Original subtitles

No, no. Down a bit. Down.

No, it has to be at head height. Erm, I find that term offensive.

Down! Is symmetry too much to ask? Where's the tinsel?

Guys, please! Whoa!

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Ooh. Guys, what did I miss?

Is it a good thing?

TOY PLAYS JINGLE BELLS TUNE

Yes, I'm sure that's how St Nicholas would wish to be remembered!

What the heck is that? Oh, I know, I know.

Kitty spotted it when I was looking for lights and she was like,

"Please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please, please, please."

OK, I get it. I get it.

TOY CONTINUES TO PLAY TUNE

MAN WHISTLES TUNE

It's him!

Catherine, I assure you that Father Christmas

is not re-e-e-e-ally

in the habit

of appearing before Christmas Eve.

I mean, I think what you saw was one of his elves

on a reconnaissance mission

to...to...to recce the terrain before the primary operation.

I think you might be letting your imagination run away with you.

Lucky Fanny, to be touched up by such a hand.

I'll do you next!

Me? A portrait?

Oh, how I longed to be painted in life.

What a Christmas gift that will be! Thank you, Alison.

No, I... So, what with Mike's family not coming this year,

I thought maybe you'd like to get involved

with one of our festive traditions.

The Button House Christmas quiz!

Yes, yes.

To be honest, we just really want a nice, quiet Christmas this year.

Just me and Mike, without...

Oh, I'll keep the questions light.

It could be something as easy as what's the Captain's name?

We can revise. It's fine.

But for the record, his name is...

What on earth?!

Yeah... Oooh!

What the...?

Hm.

Mm. Who put that there?

Erm, excuse me...

Dog!

Alison! Dog in a tent!

That's a tent. Yeah. And that's a dog.

Yeah, I get it.

Do we knock? How do you knock a tent?

DOG BARKS

What are you doing? What are YOU doing?

I'm listening to Talk Sport.

No, what are you doing in our garden?

Is this is not a field? It's a wheat...

That's not the point. You're trespassing. Mike...

Right, yeah. OK. Well, don't tell the...

you know, anyone. Yeah, all right, I'll go.

Have you got somewhere to go to, or...?

Well, not really. Yeah, no. Yeah, of course. Sorry.

Erm...

Well, you don't have to go, like, this minute. No?

You can... you could, like, stay for tonight.

Yeah? Just one night. Or two.

Well, that would be... Thank you. Yeah.

Well, I'm Alison, by the way. Sorry. This is Mike. Nicholas.

Of course it is! No, no, no, no, no.

I stay. If I here before house, then house on my land.

Ooh! So it's Mike and Alison would be the dress baskets!

Dress baskets. You see? Exactly.

Yeah. Interesting. Mm.

Look, you can't even see it. Yeah.

But we still know it's there. On your land. My land.

Our land. My land!

Look, I don't want to sound all "not in my back yard,"

but you really don't want one in your back yard.

Or front yard. Or stable yard. Or on any other land you own.

Quite right. Layabout. I mean, where's the discipline?

Where's the pride?

We had one behind Rumbelows back in the day. Yeah.

Right potty mouth.

Chalky dog poos everywhere.

That's typical, I'm afraid.

Well, if you want my opinion... Oh, here we go.

I think you're all being very unfair and judgmental.

What? Well, we have absolutely no idea of the circumstances

that have led this gentleman to his current situation.

Ha!

Did I mention that I happened to cross paths with Adelaide Pembroke

and her delightful daughter, Felicity Wednesday last?

And... Mother...

Well, there's no need to take that tone.

You had no idea what I was about to say.

Felicity's getting married.

No, actually.

But, yes, as it happens. Mother. I refuse to be drawn into...

Seven years your junior,

and Gladys just strides into matrimony with a lord.

..the same conversation... Lord!

I am utterly delighted for Felicity Pembroke and her mother.

May their smiles be as bright as their minds are dim.

Fanny! How fortunate that the topic of formal education never arose

in that household, since no Pembroke woman in five generations

has had the mental capacity to count the fingers on one hand!

Stephanie, the field of mathematics is well served already by men.

I could help Father with the business!

Your father is perfectly capable of managing his own financial affairs.

SHE COUGHS

Messrs Broadwick and Son are at the door, Ma'am.

Ooh! Son...

Bailiffs, Ma'am.

See? You can see it from the house. Barely.

We don't even use this room.

What even is this room?

It is my room!

Oh... I suppose you're right.

A couple of days there. Yeah, exactly. A couple of days.

And then we'll be back to our cosy Cooper Christmas, just snuggling

by the fire with mistletoe, mulled wine.

You and me...

DOG BARKS

Still here!

Yep.

Is that...? Right, that's it.

Oh, my God! Mike...

What was it?

Morning! Morning. No!

Excuse me! Excuse me, where has that come from?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say... a bottom?

Well, I hope you're not suggesting that I...

No! I mean, your dog. Actually, where do you...?

No, I mean your dog. But why MY dog?

Haven't any of your other neighbours got dogs?

Oh! Well, yes, actually. It's got loads.

But that's not the point. Well, there you go.

Cos let me assure you, I always bag it and bin it.

I keep a very tight leash on...

Rudy?

Rudy!

DOG BARKS

Rudy? Rudolph!

Alison! Captain!

Anyone!

Just... Erm, just roughly speaking, how much longer do you...?

Thomas, I told you not to choose that pose.

Oh, no, I'm comfortable. Too comfortable, if anything!

I was just wondering if YOU needed a break.

No, I've actually found it quite relaxing.

Question 89.

Usually... We all love The Beatles, but which one is Robin's favourite?

Is it A, Stag?

B, dung? Pat...

Do you think maybe this revision is like taking some of the fun

out of the quiz? Oh, not at all.

It should be fun. But go up against Fanny unprepared,

and she'll eat you alive.

OK. Question 90.

Yeah, I think I might just give this a bit of a rest. Yes.

Aahhh! Yes, you clearly needed a little break! Yeah.

CLEARS THROAT

Mrs Cooper, I've been to talk to my lawyer about how long

house been on my land.

And she tell me I's gots rights. He's got rights, Alison.

Me cut to chase. We do munch the numbers,

and by my calculators, you owe me back rent of...

It's a quazillion pounds and five shillings.

Well, you've just made that number up and you can't spend money.

So...

THEY MUTTER

Right, well, we'll get back to you, then!

HE GASPS

HE MUTTERS

What are you doing? What we should have done two weeks ago.

Telling the council.

There's systems in place to help people who've got...

No, I don't know about this. Quite right.

That sort, you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. More!

HE JIBBERS

You know, we had a similar problem with some "Right to Roam" types

at the Bramptons. I mean, 700 years is a good innings

for a public footpath.

High time it became something else. Like my swimming pool.

Ah, well.... Good to send.

Ready to send. Just press send.

Want to press send?

Look, you said a couple of days, and it became a couple of weeks.

And now it's nearly Christmas. Oh, well, exactly. It's Christmas.

I just... I don't think we can do this now.

It doesn't feel right. All right.

Don't make me feel like, what's his face? You, boy! What day is it?

Michael Caine. You do know there's a non Muppet version of that story?

Yeah, but it's not as good. That's true.

DOG BARKS

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no. It's bad, isn't it? It's really, really bad.

I mean, the nose is just weird.

What will I say when she gifts me this upon Christmas morn?

I suppose you'll just have to pretend you like it.

Like I did when Carol bought me that creative Newkie Brown,

when she knows I like Watney's!

"Thank you, Alison,

"so much for this...

"..magnificent..."

Yeah. Yeah, no, I think...

I think she'd know it's not Watney's...wanted.

Ah, but the truth would break her. My opinion means so much to her.

Well, I'm not much of a fibber, but if it's bare faced lies

you're after, you know who you should talk to?

Yes?

So what, we should just ignore him?

No, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying,

don't get too involved.

Oh, come on, it's just a hot meal.

It's not moving in.

Although... No. It's a security risk.

We don't know anything about him.

I mean, the meal's a nice idea, but... No! My cottage pie!

Mm! Mm! Lovely.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

We've done some thoughts, and there be a new offer on the table.

See, land is mine.

So we take bit of house that actual touch the land,

and the bit that float in the sky... The ups the stairs.

..yours. So, deal? OK, so how will we get to upstairs

without using downstairs?

We'll be in touch.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hello. I was just making some...

No, I'm sorry. That's a lie. I was...

I brought you a cottage pie. I don't know if you...

Oh! Oh, thank you. That's very... Thank you.

Oh, no, thank YOU.

DOG BARKS

OK. Calm...

Calm. Calm. Alison?

Calm, yeah? Enjoy the meal?

Oh, er, yeah, yes. I was talking to the dog.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Erm... Look, truth be told, I'm just not really a fan

of that kind of thing. I mean, I appreciate...

Beggars can't be choosers! Who do really think you are?

You're a liar. I had my fill of that kind of stuff

when I was in the forces.

Salt of the Earth. Pride of the nation.

We owe him our thanks, actually. I'm sorry,

I don't know why I assumed you'd eat...everything.

Happens all the time. I lost my house, not my taste buds.

Ha-ha, ha-ha! OK, but that is a great cottage pie.

Oh, it's really...

Right, just, wait there. Wait there.

There is nothing. No-o-o-thing that cannot be lied about.

Or rather, there is no truth that cannot be avoided.

For example, if someone asks you an incriminating question,

simply answer with another question.

Does that actually work? With respect,

The question is, do you want it to work?

You see? Oooh. Give it a go, shall we?

Hi, Thomas. The lovely Alison here. Little dress. Peck on the cheek,

maybe? I don't know.

Do you like the lovely painting I've done of you?

How could one not like the effort

you put into creating...

..those beady eyes and wonky chin and the nose!

It's.... OK, OK. OK, we've run before we can walk.

Let's try another approach, shall we?

Mm. Very resourceful.

I mean, more of a commis chef, really.

But, you know, shown me the ropes.

And when I got demobbed, got myself a van,

turned it into a pizza truck. And that led to the restaurant.

Try a bit of that.

Oh, man! That beats cottage pie!

DOG BARKS

He's got a very unrefined palate. So if you don't mind me asking,

how did you end up...?

Ah. That question.

Well, that's another thing I learnt in the forces.

When things go south, you very rarely see it coming.

You cannot do this! Come on, now.

Unhand it! Let it go. Unhand it! Oh, no, it's valuable.

Come on. There you go.

Father, what in heaven's name is going on?

Now, now, now. There's no need for histrionics.

But they're taking away the furniture!

It's just a storm in a teacup! Oh, the tree!

It seems that I... I mean, the business,

has accrued a certain amount of minor debt,

so I have facilitated a means to recoup those losses by investment.

Sellways of Brentford. Bookmaker.

Nebworth and Son. Bookmaker.

Yes, ignore those. Those numbers are wrong.

Trust me, my darling.

None of this adds up.

Yes, it does.

It adds up perfectly.

We have got to get some of those Haribo beans.

Haricot. They are nice.

HE is nice.

I'll tell you what he is. He's wise.

He's a wise man. Yeah.

And I don't use that term...

No! You're kidding me! What?

There's another one. Hey!

Hey! What's all the rumpus?

Oh, I can't believe it!

Ha! Told you. You give them an inch...

That's it. I'm reporting him. Wait. No...

No, he had his chance, he's taken us for mugs. I agree, I agree...

We let him stay, we gave him food... Let him have one more night,

and if he's still there...

One more night, and then in the morning...

We've said you said one more night so many times...

And then we can at least...

You pressed send! I didn't press send. YOU pressed send.

I did not press send. Well, someone pressed send.

How dare you?!

I'm no liberal, but ejecting a vagrant at Christmas?

I would never, ever, stoop so low.

See? Fibbing's easy.

THEY CONTINUE ARGUING

And he's only got himself to blame.

We've been understanding. Very understanding.

Yeah. He forced our hand. Yeah. Well, your hand.

Let's not get into that again.

Point is, it's been dealt with and cosy Cooper Christmas is back on.

We can sleep soundly in our...

Did you sleep? Nope. Me neither.

CLEARS THROAT

Mrs Cooper... I'll say it.

There be a field yonder that does lie fallow.

But it's nice. Is very nice.

Guys, please.

We is proposing that you and the him one go live on it

and we has the house.

Fine. What?

OK, right, then.

We have building stuff in order of urgency.

Or the walls will fall down.

Then we have utilities, because I assume you want your lights on?

TV licence.

Cos you'd be lost without Loose Women, Mary. And gas bill.

So... Erm...

It's gone. The other tent.

Ooh.

GENTLE KNOCK

Morning. Oh, very Christmassy.

Just to say I had a friend come by last night, last minute thing,

quite late. So he stayed over in the field... in the garden.

But he's gone now. Just in case you've spotted him

and you were... you know.

And, well, I'll be gone soon too, I promise.

I'm sorry, it's taken so long.

You know, I've been trying to sort something out,

but it's a tricky time of year.

Oh, I fixed the outside tap.

There was a drip, so I wrapped some...

DISTANT VOICES

Some... Are they here for me?

We... thought...

Er, well, if you can't...

No, no, no. I understand.

Nicholas, I...

Uhh.

Well, that's it, then. I mean...

..this is what we wanted, right?

He's gone.

Gone where? To get his reindeer, of course!

And the presents. It's Christmas Eve!

I feel bad. I feel bad. There but for the grace of God...

What can we do? Yeah. What can we do?

And Simeon is in continual dialogue with his creditors,

and now that the dyke has been dammed, I have no doubt at all

that we will bounce back.

But with the banks refusing us credit,

my hope was that you, dear sister, might...

Lavinia...

We wish to help, of course.

Money is not the issue.

I fear only that were such a loan to become public knowledge,

somehow, the damage to your family reputation would be irreparable.

So, for your benefit entirely, I'm afraid we must decline.

I understand.

Quite right.

So sorry.

SHE GIBBERS

Cast out on the street and in such a season!

Lavinia,

may I inquire as to the current circumstances of young Stephanie?

You see, I have a cousin, a wealthy family,

who has this somewhat wayward son...

Do you know the Buttons at all?

He's got like a white beard and looks a lot like... Yeah.

Nick. Used to come round here from time to time.

Not for ages, though. Have you tried St Lawrence's?

Yeah. And Millside. Yeah.

Well, if you do see him, could you give him this, please? Sure.

I mean, if I see him. But people drop off the radar, you know?

Plenty do need help, though, this time of the year.

So... It was specifically him we were...

Nah. It's shot. The filament's gone.

Perfect timing.

I don't suppose you've got a spare oven knocking around, by any chance?

Sorry, man. Yeah.

It was a long shot. No Christmas lunch tomorrow.

Although... What?

Yeah, of course, man. Yeah, come on in.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, man.

Hey.

Question 219.

What's Pat's favourite sauce?

Is it gravy? It is gravy, yeah.

Well, it was.

You are a terrible cook!

Hey! Nicholas!

I'm so sorry, we're so... I know.

I guess we can all be a bit quick to judge, eh?

I thought you were rich, but this place is an absolute...

Well, we're working on it. Come on, shift over.

There's some gravy there that needs rescuing.

Ha-ha! Yes, of course. Parachuting in to save the day!

Take the man out of the Army... I'll teach you a little trick

I picked up in the Navy. Navy? Oh, good lord, no.

No, Alison, he's not to be trusted. They're barely even trained.

I mean, it's essentially civilians with fancy hats.

I don't want to wear it. I feel... Nicholas! I'm so sorry.

We're so sorry. I know, I know. Looking good.

Oh, don't. They're grown ups, it's embarrassing.

Rubbish. They love it.

It's easy for you to say. Well, what size are the boots?

I'm telling you - he's in the kitchen.

He's all dressed in red and white...

Oh, Kitty, you dear, sweet thing.

The simple fact is...

Ho, ho, ho!

See? He came!

He always does.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Right. I think we are good, to... Oh, the Yorkshire puds.

Oh, got it!

Oh, they look great.

Are they enough? Should be.

There's 36 of them and 23 people so that's...

..everyone gets... 1.5652.

One and a half ish.

Well, then dinner is served.

OK.

It's so exciting. Let's... Don't fuss, Mother.

This isn't fussing. It's standards!

These people have standards.

I mean, have you seen this place, Fanny?

They've got a ballroom.

A ballroom!

Chin up, chin up. Crushing the collar.

Oh, and that's what's important?

Please, just...

Yeah.

I'm not a stuffed dress, Mother. I have a mind, ambition.

There are other ways out of this. I could learn, I could help Father.

This is how you can help your father.

This is how you can help us all!

M'ladies... Mr George Button.

Oh, good evening. Welcome to Button House.

Oh, this one is for you, Humphrey.

Merry Christmas. Oh, thank you!

Ha-ha ha!

And click it. Come on!

Click-click!

SNORING

Ah. Asleep on the job, eh?

Typical Navy man.

Who's a good boy? You wouldn't catch someone in the army doing that.

Who's a good boy? You are. You!

Just getting the tea, Mike.

CLEARS THROAT

Mrs Cooper. Alison.

Given the season, which is ridiculous anyway,

we've got tree in the front room and the guy with the beard

come down the chimney...

We have decided to gift the land and house thereon,

to you and the man one, on a long term loan.

For a period of...

..as long as you likes.

So you're going to give a house that you don't have,

to the people who already own it?

Exactly. OK. Yeah. Deal.

THEY SPLUTTER AND RETCH

Pleasure doing business with you.

Well, we showed her! Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah...

I-I should have got someone in, and I think I used the wrong paint

and it's quite hard to... It doesn't matter.

It's still the same girl underneath.

Right. Last present.

OK, I know, I know you're excited, Thomas.

But please bear in mind that I am not a professional.

I hate it. I've seen it, and I hate it. OK.

And I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did.

And now I can't unsee it, because it's the worst thing

I've ever seen! Not just the worst painting,

but the worst conceivable thing and I cannot pretend otherwise,

as I just respect you too damn much, Alison!

Right. I see.

I wish you'd said before I did the finishing touches.

Wait! It's brilliant! OK, yeah. Don't patronise me.

No, no, no, no, no. Now that it's complete.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've said your piece.

So I'll just... I'll make sure it never sees the light of day.

But, but...

Ooh!

ALL: Oooh!

Merry Christmas to me!

CONVERSATION CONTINUES

Right! Time for the Christmas quiz!

ALL GROAN

Oh, come on, guys.

Oh, shush, shush, shush. Come on, it's Christmas Day.

Yes! Yes!

Question one.

One of us in this room has a third nipple.

A, who is it? And B, where is it?

Oh, no! Well, I don't want to know!