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1
00:00:00,740 --> 00:00:04,820
Whilst Spike Milligan gave us a
wonderful turn in our episode 5,
2
00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:07,020
it is very good to have
the team back together.
3
00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:11,420
And I thought we should
take a moment to congratulate
4
00:00:11,455 --> 00:00:13,940
Clive and Sophie
on their engagement.
5
00:00:13,975 --> 00:00:17,025
A little celebration
is in order.
6
00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:20,745
Eunice? Bring in
the chocolate fingers.
7
00:00:20,780 --> 00:00:24,060
l�m afraid �Songs of Praise�
soaked up our booze budget.
8
00:00:24,095 --> 00:00:27,700
No, l�m joking of
course. l�m teetotal.
9
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:33,105
Dennis - I'm very glad
you decided to re-join us.
10
00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:36,100
Decided? We had to drag
him back kicking and screaming.
11
00:00:36,135 --> 00:00:37,625
In a good way.
12
00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:40,100
l�m glad to see the
series through to the end.
13
00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:45,220
Well, then we should talk
about how things are going to run
14
00:00:45,255 --> 00:00:47,305
with this final show.
15
00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:53,580
Mr Richardson and Miss Straw
you are, of course, at all times,
16
00:00:53,615 --> 00:00:55,700
representing the Network
both on screen and off.
17
00:00:55,735 --> 00:00:56,985
Is that clear?
18
00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:59,865
You are engaged,
not yet married.
19
00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:03,320
The viewing public don�t want
to see their stars messy lives
20
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:06,740
splashed across papers - just
look at the detrimental effect
21
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,745
it�s having on Tony Hancock.
22
00:01:08,780 --> 00:01:11,020
Yes Ted. All above
board. You have our word.
23
00:01:11,055 --> 00:01:12,500
Mine too.
24
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,745
Too much? I'm sorry.
25
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:19,660
We all want to see the adventures
of �Jim and Barbara� return
26
00:01:19,695 --> 00:01:25,540
for another series, so
let�s go out with a bang!
27
00:01:27,540 --> 00:01:30,480
Oh please. Do grow up.
28
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:18,460
Jim? Oh, yeah.
29
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:28,105
Um, Sophie darling,
what did you just do there?
30
00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:32,020
I'm having a scratch. Men are
always having a scratch down there.
31
00:02:32,055 --> 00:02:34,105
It's liberating.
32
00:02:34,140 --> 00:02:35,380
I do not scratch my balls.
33
00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:45,300
End of Sophie�s Dream Sequence.
34
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,460
What the bloody
hell is that Bill?
35
00:02:50,495 --> 00:02:51,665
Rusty plumbing.
36
00:02:51,700 --> 00:02:54,500
Rusty Plumbing? I think I
saw him at the Palladium.
37
00:02:56,860 --> 00:02:58,945
And action.
38
00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:03,260
Jim! Wake up l�ve just had the
most amazing dream about a world
39
00:03:03,295 --> 00:03:05,220
where women can do
everything men can do.
40
00:03:05,255 --> 00:03:08,380
Except piss standing up.
41
00:03:08,415 --> 00:03:09,665
Green book!
42
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:12,260
Oh don't! You'll have to
come up with something else.
43
00:03:12,295 --> 00:03:13,897
Wee standing up. Tinkle?
44
00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:15,465
Tinkle! Tinkle standing up.
45
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,860
And then do I go to
the bathroom? Yes.
46
00:03:19,940 --> 00:03:23,180
Ooh and then, then the camera
can stay on me and I can deliver
47
00:03:23,215 --> 00:03:24,625
a killer punch-line, yes?
48
00:03:24,660 --> 00:03:28,060
Actually, in this episode
Sophie gets the punchlines.
49
00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,980
Yes, very good. Very good.
50
00:03:32,015 --> 00:03:33,340
Good.
51
00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:46,345
See you at mine later.
52
00:03:46,380 --> 00:03:48,505
Ooh. We�re gonna
tell Ted Sargent!
53
00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:52,360
Oh, give over. He�s being
taken to dinner with his agent.
54
00:03:52,395 --> 00:03:56,180
The only thing my agent�s
ever given me is an invoice.
55
00:03:56,215 --> 00:03:58,620
So it�s going well
with Captain Cuddles?
56
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,385
It�s going great thanks.
57
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:03,065
So come on, tell me
what you been up to then?
58
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:08,340
...well I come home the other night
when suddenly tap tap tap at the
59
00:04:08,375 --> 00:04:09,745
bloody window pane.
60
00:04:09,780 --> 00:04:12,580
I looked out - you
know who it was?
61
00:04:12,615 --> 00:04:15,265
Bloody Greta Garbo!
62
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:19,620
I love Pete and Dud. You know
what they do, is it all improvised?
63
00:04:19,655 --> 00:04:23,105
Most of the time, it is.
Why don't we do that then?
64
00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:26,580
The next series, why don't we
improvise? l�d love to have a go.
65
00:04:26,615 --> 00:04:28,425
Why not. I think you�d
be really good at it.
66
00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:32,260
Don�t do us out of a job
though... Come on, give us a line.
67
00:04:32,295 --> 00:04:35,140
Oh, Edith! l�m late for dinner.
68
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:37,665
Don�t worry darling.
69
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:41,060
My boss will be talking about
himself for at least another hour...
70
00:04:41,095 --> 00:04:43,260
I'm joking, I'm joking.
Soph? What you doing?
71
00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,425
Well I'm improvising!
72
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:48,825
I thought you wanted
me to be Edith?
73
00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:54,460
Uh... no. No improvising. l�m-
I'm late for dinner with Edith.
74
00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:00,180
See you tomorrow.
75
00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:06,380
Well that wasn�t
at all embarrassing.
76
00:05:06,415 --> 00:05:07,985
What�s going on?
77
00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:10,585
Edith and Dan are
getting divorced.
78
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:13,220
She�s shacking up
with Vernon Whitebait.
79
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:33,425
Darling you�ve been
inundated with invitations.
80
00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:37,640
The Mary Quant people want
you to model the new collection and
81
00:05:37,675 --> 00:05:41,820
you are tippermost at the
toppermost of the VIP list for the
82
00:05:41,855 --> 00:05:43,745
Terry Clarke
photographic exhibition.
83
00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:46,300
Better think of something
to wear. And make it snazzy.
84
00:05:46,335 --> 00:05:48,145
Oh yes, anybody who's
anybody will be there.
85
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:51,705
It�s such an accolade being
photographed by Terry Clarke.
86
00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:55,380
Perhaps you could persuade him
to take the pictures for your wedding!
87
00:05:55,415 --> 00:05:57,865
Clive would love that.
88
00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:01,140
Why you so concerned with
what Clive wants all the time?
89
00:06:01,175 --> 00:06:02,585
You�re not his agent.
90
00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:07,000
In your absence darling
our boys got together and
91
00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:11,345
commiserated over a
couple of Dirty Martini�s.
92
00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:17,020
Why? Why would you be having a
couple of... mucky martini�s with Clive?
93
00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:21,265
It really isn't a thing.
94
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,357
Patsy was there a
little extra filing to do?
95
00:06:23,363 --> 00:06:25,380
We're a bit behind
with all that aren't we?
96
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,260
There�s a good girl.
97
00:06:31,580 --> 00:06:34,980
Poor Patsy. She's a little bit
confused at the moment, see,
98
00:06:35,015 --> 00:06:37,100
she's going through the change.
99
00:06:40,740 --> 00:06:44,700
Right! I better get to
rehearsals. Absolutely.
100
00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:49,660
Lovely to see you as usual.
101
00:06:55,620 --> 00:07:01,580
Well I think it�s grubby. Poor girl
has no idea Clive was coerced.
102
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:07,100
Nobody�s been
coerced into anything!
103
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:12,420
But the papers want what they
want - and they won�t wait forever.
104
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:41,060
Blimey! I didn�t know
you could actually type!
105
00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:50,065
So, you finished
the script then?
106
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:53,460
Oh! Bill mate?
What�s the big secret?
107
00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:57,660
Alright.
108
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,345
Wait wait, no no no.
109
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:05,900
No, no! Let me have a gander.
110
00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:12,540
Fuckin' hell,
Bill. Yeah, alright.
111
00:08:18,260 --> 00:08:19,500
What d�you think?
112
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:24,820
I think you�ll be arrested
if anyone else reads this.
113
00:08:24,855 --> 00:08:27,580
What is it, like a diary?
114
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:33,580
A novel maybe.
115
00:08:36,060 --> 00:08:41,820
It�s good. Actually
it�s brilliant.
116
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:42,940
And I fucking hate you.
117
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:49,200
I love writing comedy
with you, Tone...
118
00:08:49,235 --> 00:08:51,420
Feeling�s mutual.
Best job in the world.
119
00:08:51,455 --> 00:08:53,105
You make me laugh
every fucking day.
120
00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:56,740
...but I want to write
different stuff too.
121
00:08:58,620 --> 00:08:59,620
About...
122
00:09:02,380 --> 00:09:05,340
The other part of my life.
123
00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:10,940
I need to write about it.
124
00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:18,460
l�m scared, Bill.
125
00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:22,140
�Cos I'm only really myself
when l�m writing with you.
126
00:09:31,340 --> 00:09:33,465
Oh hello! We
interrupting something?
127
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,700
Just don't leave it lying
around on a bus seat.
128
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:41,620
Chaps can you set up for the
bathroom plumbing scene please?
129
00:09:41,655 --> 00:09:45,820
Don't mind me. No- come
on, mate. Bill, help me.
130
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:57,380
Den? l�m sorry
about you and Edith.
131
00:09:58,820 --> 00:10:04,260
Oh well. We�re being very grown
up and sophisticated about it all.
132
00:10:04,295 --> 00:10:06,820
So you are really
getting a divorcing her?
133
00:10:06,855 --> 00:10:07,860
Yes.
134
00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:16,060
Well, actually, she
wants to divorce me.
135
00:10:16,095 --> 00:10:19,020
On what grounds? Adultery.
136
00:10:19,055 --> 00:10:22,260
Oh. Crikey.
137
00:10:26,540 --> 00:10:30,380
So, have you been
having a... dingaling?
138
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:37,460
Absolutely not. No, gosh no.
139
00:10:37,495 --> 00:10:40,580
No, that�s the point.
140
00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:43,340
It�s actually quite
funny in a way.
141
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:48,820
Edith who very much has been
having a �dingaling� has now
142
00:10:48,855 --> 00:10:53,180
decided that I uh should have
one too so that she can save face
143
00:10:53,215 --> 00:10:55,545
and divorce me.
144
00:10:55,580 --> 00:10:59,660
Not that I would ever, but for a
woman in her position it could
145
00:10:59,695 --> 00:11:01,997
ruin her career. Hello?
146
00:11:02,032 --> 00:11:04,265
Writers in the room...
147
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,460
Rehearsal sometime
this year would be great.
148
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:17,145
What�s cooking?
Probably Marj�s pants.
149
00:11:17,180 --> 00:11:20,400
No actually - l�m going
to make a pasta dish.
150
00:11:20,435 --> 00:11:23,620
One of the girls at my
group gave me the recipe.
151
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:28,385
Tastes like cardboard.
Has it gone off?
152
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:32,980
It�ll taste nice once it
cooked. Yeah, we know that.
153
00:11:33,015 --> 00:11:35,657
This is lovely, just
hanging out for once.
154
00:11:35,692 --> 00:11:38,265
Yeah, how come you
got a day off work?
155
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,945
They changed my rota.
l�m in tomorrow instead.
156
00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:44,940
Let�s stick it on anyway, yeah?
I quite fancy that Andy O�Shea.
157
00:11:44,975 --> 00:11:48,545
Oooh Marjorie! I say.
158
00:11:48,580 --> 00:11:51,300
Diane maybe you
could fix her up?
159
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:52,340
Get in line!
160
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:56,225
BOTH: Now we know.
161
00:11:56,260 --> 00:11:59,265
It�s just a flirtation.
Who�s she?
162
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,700
Uh, good question. They
must be trying her out.
163
00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:07,580
Oh it�s him.
Banging on as usual.
164
00:12:07,615 --> 00:12:10,225
He looks like a panto villain.
165
00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:12,340
There�s nothing
pantomime about that man.
166
00:12:12,780 --> 00:12:15,049
If it was down to him, me and
my family would be on a boat,
167
00:12:15,055 --> 00:12:18,140
back to wherever the fuck
he thinks we came from...
168
00:12:18,175 --> 00:12:20,460
Is there a boat to Cobham?
169
00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:24,665
They might argue
this is their home.
170
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:27,142
The majority of
them regard India or
171
00:12:27,148 --> 00:12:30,140
Jamacia or wherever
it may be as their home.
172
00:12:30,175 --> 00:12:33,620
Of course that's a
valid opinion. Not it isn't!
173
00:12:33,655 --> 00:12:36,305
Take him on,
Andy, challenge him!
174
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:40,465
On the other side
there is a certain evil.
175
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:44,380
You make a very interesting
point. Don't just let him off the hook!
176
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:47,060
TV: Two, three days
before the conservative...
177
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:07,900
This is mad! Who
are all these people?
178
00:13:07,935 --> 00:13:11,905
Do you know them?
179
00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:14,260
We are in with the
'In crowd� now darling.
180
00:13:14,295 --> 00:13:15,425
The Famous Club.
181
00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:17,860
All of these are our
friends here. Cheers.
182
00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:20,065
Wotcha fuckers.
183
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,300
Terry! Good to see you
again. Alright geezer.
184
00:13:24,460 --> 00:13:28,260
Why don't we have a
look at your snapshot.
185
00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:32,500
I mean wow, great
shot, mate. Great shot.
186
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:41,940
I look dead serious...
I look a bit like Brando.
187
00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:47,905
Michael? Mike? Darling
it�s Michael Caine.
188
00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:50,100
I haven�t seen him since
�Zulu�. Do you mind?
189
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:59,025
What d�you think Sexy Sophie?
190
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:04,700
I think it�s a lovely picture but
I'm not sure if it's the real me.
191
00:14:04,735 --> 00:14:06,505
Oh nevermind that.
192
00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:09,380
Come on blondie, let�s get a
couple of snaps here in front of it.
193
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:19,540
Your lips. Just make
them... Like two slugs fucking.
194
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,580
That�s more like a
duck taking a shit.
195
00:14:30,615 --> 00:14:32,620
That is the real me.
196
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,500
D�you want to go to bed with me?
197
00:14:37,535 --> 00:14:39,585
Oh my god!
198
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:42,860
Shall I ask my fiancee to hold
your camera while we do it?
199
00:14:42,895 --> 00:14:44,500
Suit yourself. I
won�t ask again.
200
00:14:45,540 --> 00:14:47,340
That�s probably a
lie I probably will.
201
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,720
Is your life always like this?
202
00:14:50,755 --> 00:14:53,185
Soph, it�s all just a game.
203
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:57,580
Sit back and enjoy the ride.
I've turned you into an icon.
204
00:14:57,615 --> 00:14:58,620
Make the most of it.
205
00:15:40,460 --> 00:15:42,580
Turn back Sophie,
give us one more!
206
00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:47,340
Over here you fuckin� bitch!
207
00:15:47,375 --> 00:15:48,380
Got ya.
208
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,500
Hello darling. Hello.
209
00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:05,865
You should have stayed at
the party last night, it was a blast.
210
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:09,260
The Rolling Stones turned up and
everyone went dancing at Annabel's.
211
00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:13,620
I hope she didn�t mind.
Annabel�s is a Club, darling.
212
00:16:13,655 --> 00:16:15,585
I know that, darling.
213
00:16:15,620 --> 00:16:19,540
So, Mick and Marianne invited
us to Keith Richards� country
214
00:16:19,575 --> 00:16:21,225
house for the weekend!
215
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:26,300
Keith Richards? Blimey. I
wouldn�t know what to say.
216
00:16:26,335 --> 00:16:29,420
I don�t think Keith�s
big into small talk.
217
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:31,825
Nothing you'd
understand, anyway.
218
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:37,980
You know, just, relax,
tune in, let yourself go.
219
00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:40,017
Enjoy the perks of the job.
220
00:16:40,052 --> 00:16:42,020
I think I mainly enjoy the job.
221
00:16:43,220 --> 00:16:47,620
I love being in the
rehearsal room. It feels safe.
222
00:16:47,655 --> 00:16:49,700
I can be myself.
223
00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:53,260
You know, darling...
224
00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:58,185
The rehearsal
room isn�t real life.
225
00:16:58,220 --> 00:17:01,500
Nor is hanging around
with the Rolling Stones.
226
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:09,140
The Powell interview
was interesting.
227
00:17:09,175 --> 00:17:10,717
God, what a piece of work.
228
00:17:10,752 --> 00:17:12,225
You let him off lightly.
229
00:17:12,260 --> 00:17:14,420
If l�d been there l�d
have gone for the jugular.
230
00:17:14,455 --> 00:17:15,980
He made sure that didn�t happen.
231
00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:19,705
l�m sorry?
232
00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:23,620
All I know is they suddenly
changed the rota. Is there more?
233
00:17:23,655 --> 00:17:26,180
Okay, this is awkward.
Someone should have told you.
234
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:31,020
He refused to be interviewed
if you were in the vicinity.
235
00:17:34,340 --> 00:17:37,420
And you thought that
was alright? Of course not.
236
00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:40,500
But the powers that
be felt it would be best.
237
00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:43,037
And you didn�t say anything?
238
00:17:43,072 --> 00:17:45,505
Diane. It was out of my hands.
239
00:17:45,540 --> 00:17:47,400
What would you have
done in my position?
240
00:17:47,435 --> 00:17:49,260
Alright, here we are
ladies and gentlemen.
241
00:17:49,295 --> 00:17:50,900
Where's that microphone please?
242
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,820
That's just the thing, isn't it?
243
00:17:54,855 --> 00:17:56,740
I never will be
in your position.
244
00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:01,780
...so Diane we�re looking at how
many tools the average woman
245
00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:03,065
can identify...
246
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:06,380
Well l�d certainly like to know
the name of the tool who decided
247
00:18:06,415 --> 00:18:09,300
not to have me in
the studio yesterday.
248
00:18:09,335 --> 00:18:11,825
Haha... l�m not quite uh sure...
249
00:18:11,860 --> 00:18:15,780
Only a very big Spanner
would made that sort of decision,
250
00:18:15,815 --> 00:18:17,105
surely. Crikey.
251
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,345
Well luckily you�re
with us today.
252
00:18:19,380 --> 00:18:24,820
But unluckily - you�re just a very
small cog in the machine, Andy.
253
00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:27,020
Otherwise perhaps
you�d have spoken out.
254
00:18:27,055 --> 00:18:29,185
I think we�re ready-
255
00:18:29,220 --> 00:18:31,660
Actually, I don�t think
you�re quite ready for me.
256
00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:34,220
Go on Diane.
257
00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:40,420
Cocking hell.
258
00:18:42,780 --> 00:18:47,820
Dearly beloved we are gathered
here today for the final episode
259
00:18:47,855 --> 00:18:51,060
of Jim and Barbara.
260
00:18:51,095 --> 00:18:52,100
Yes, it�s sad.
261
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:58,260
Honey, can you move over
please? I want to do my makeup.
262
00:18:58,295 --> 00:19:00,657
spend a few more
minutes admiring yourself?
263
00:19:00,692 --> 00:19:02,985
I was going over my
lines. Want to run things?
264
00:19:03,020 --> 00:19:07,420
Actually, there's got to be a better
joke for the end of the bathroom scene.
265
00:19:07,455 --> 00:19:10,300
Maybe we could call Golden
and Simpson, ask them to write it.
266
00:19:10,335 --> 00:19:11,785
BOTH: Oh!
267
00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:14,620
Seriously though,
lads. Any new lines?
268
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:17,585
Just a couple.
269
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:21,300
It's as big as you, Tony!
270
00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:27,985
Well, the old
jokes are the best.
271
00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:30,220
Shall we give Sophie a moment?
272
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:37,380
Break a leg. Break a leg.
273
00:19:39,740 --> 00:19:40,740
Clive.
274
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,100
After you, Dennis.
275
00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:53,580
Deja vu.
276
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,305
What do you mean?
277
00:19:56,340 --> 00:20:00,100
Deja vu? It's French,
darling. I know what it means.
278
00:20:00,135 --> 00:20:01,140
What did you mean?
279
00:20:02,820 --> 00:20:06,380
Oh, uh. Nothing. Nothing at all.
280
00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:08,620
Clive.
281
00:20:11,740 --> 00:20:15,520
There was a...
moment. In Blackpool.
282
00:20:15,555 --> 00:20:19,300
Blackpool? He was
at the train station.
283
00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:21,940
With roses.
284
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:24,460
Roses?
285
00:20:24,495 --> 00:20:25,900
Who for?
286
00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:29,420
Uh. Soph.
287
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:33,940
For you.
288
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:45,100
Yeah anyway, the
best man won, so.
289
00:20:45,135 --> 00:20:47,625
Hmm.
290
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:50,380
Lady and gentleman?
It's show time.
291
00:21:55,260 --> 00:21:58,105
Jim! Jim, Jim, wake up!
292
00:21:58,140 --> 00:22:00,340
l�ve just had the most
amazing dream about a world
293
00:22:00,375 --> 00:22:02,660
where women could do
everything men can do.
294
00:22:02,695 --> 00:22:04,817
Except tinkle standing up.
295
00:22:04,852 --> 00:22:06,940
It�s all a fantasy, darling.
296
00:22:06,975 --> 00:22:08,625
It�s the future!
297
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,540
There�s no reason a woman
can�t do what a man can do!
298
00:22:11,575 --> 00:22:14,940
Hmm. What, even the
toughest, dirtiest jobs?
299
00:22:14,975 --> 00:22:16,825
Even the toughest jobs.
300
00:22:16,860 --> 00:22:21,460
Alright then - in that case can you
sort out the plumbing in the toilet?
301
00:22:21,495 --> 00:22:23,980
The pipes are
making an awful din.
302
00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:30,145
Rather risque, but a fun idea.
303
00:22:30,180 --> 00:22:32,425
The boys do write
very well for women.
304
00:22:32,460 --> 00:22:36,180
Um, actually Sophie
came up with a lot of it.
305
00:22:36,215 --> 00:22:38,705
Is FX set for the water? Set.
306
00:22:38,740 --> 00:22:42,740
Right. Well, we only sort
of have one go with this.
307
00:22:42,775 --> 00:22:47,220
Good luck. Ready
to roll. And, action!
308
00:22:53,620 --> 00:22:56,540
Right. Let's be having you.
309
00:23:47,180 --> 00:23:48,545
What is all this racket?
310
00:23:48,580 --> 00:23:52,265
Jim! I've done it!
I fixed the pipes!
311
00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:56,785
Oh, darling, well
done. Clever little thing.
312
00:23:56,820 --> 00:23:59,820
You know you could have just
turned all the water off with this.
313
00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:14,540
Get down you beast!
314
00:24:16,860 --> 00:24:19,340
It's coming out of every hole!
315
00:24:22,580 --> 00:24:26,220
You men. Always fiddling
with your stop-clocks!
316
00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:36,780
Cut. Very good. Spot
check that please.
317
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:41,720
He says we�re just
checking the tape.
318
00:24:41,755 --> 00:24:44,105
I hope it's alright,
or we'll be back
319
00:24:44,140 --> 00:24:47,020
in the bedroom doing
another tinkle standing up!
320
00:24:47,055 --> 00:24:49,740
Oh, you know what I mean.
321
00:24:51,180 --> 00:24:56,620
Although, has anyone here
ever tried a �standy uppy�? Girls?
322
00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:03,540
Does the phrase �fill
yer boots� come to mind?
323
00:25:06,060 --> 00:25:11,025
When I was little I
thought I could do anything.
324
00:25:11,060 --> 00:25:15,740
I thought I could be a
Footballer or a Racing driver...
325
00:25:15,775 --> 00:25:19,545
An, a pilot, or a...
326
00:25:19,580 --> 00:25:25,320
Camera Person, Boom operator
or a TV Director - alright I didn�t even
327
00:25:25,355 --> 00:25:31,060
really know what half those jobs
were - but l�d have wanted to do them.
328
00:25:36,980 --> 00:25:42,420
I asked my Dad why it was
that girls didn�t do jobs like that,
329
00:25:42,455 --> 00:25:47,860
and he said �because they
can�t do a tinkle standing up. �
330
00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:57,060
I thought he was joking, but
as I grew up I realised that if
331
00:25:57,095 --> 00:25:59,385
you�re a girl
332
00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:03,900
there are an awful lot of
people saying �you can�t�.
333
00:26:03,935 --> 00:26:07,877
And they said this was
no job for a woman -
334
00:26:07,912 --> 00:26:11,820
but here I am, doing
jokes for a living.
335
00:26:16,380 --> 00:26:21,360
So, you have to stand up for
yourself and don't ever let anyone
336
00:26:21,395 --> 00:26:26,340
tell you you can't do what you
want to do just �cos of where your
337
00:26:26,375 --> 00:26:29,060
wee comes out.
338
00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:45,340
Okay, thank you! The
tape's okay apparently.
339
00:26:45,375 --> 00:26:49,060
Well that's the end
of Jim and Barbara.
340
00:26:52,420 --> 00:26:55,460
Come on, come on Clive.
341
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:03,100
Our writers, Bill Gardener,
and Tony Holmes.
342
00:27:19,620 --> 00:27:22,340
And the 5th Beatle. Our
fearless leader Dennis Mahindra!
343
00:28:03,060 --> 00:28:05,340
Here we are. Thank you.
344
00:28:05,375 --> 00:28:09,145
From him. Cheers.
345
00:28:09,180 --> 00:28:12,980
So that was that. That Was
The Show That Was. That was it.
346
00:28:13,015 --> 00:28:17,180
Well, not �it� it. Just
the end of Series One.
347
00:28:17,215 --> 00:28:19,305
You could see it as
the start of Series Two.
348
00:28:19,340 --> 00:28:23,740
We don�t know that we�re going
to get a Series Two, though do we?
349
00:28:23,775 --> 00:28:28,140
Well l�m banking on it, now l�m
going to have another mouth to feed.
350
00:28:31,180 --> 00:28:36,180
Well I never. June�s
got a bun up her jumper?
351
00:28:37,580 --> 00:28:38,705
Who�s the Daddy?
352
00:28:38,740 --> 00:28:41,900
Fuck off. Congratulations.
353
00:28:46,140 --> 00:28:47,460
Are you happy?
354
00:28:47,495 --> 00:28:48,780
Terrified.
355
00:28:50,180 --> 00:28:54,020
Bye Jo, by Serena.
356
00:28:54,055 --> 00:28:55,465
You came!
357
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,985
And? What did you think?
358
00:28:58,020 --> 00:29:01,380
The seats were
bloody uncomfortable.
359
00:29:04,180 --> 00:29:07,420
But um, you weren't half bad.
360
00:29:07,455 --> 00:29:09,580
Come here. Aw!
361
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:13,680
You're coming to
the party, aren't you?
362
00:29:13,715 --> 00:29:14,720
Yes. Yes.
363
00:29:14,755 --> 00:29:15,760
Good.
364
00:29:17,180 --> 00:29:18,180
See you there.
365
00:29:21,620 --> 00:29:23,500
I wondered when you'd turn up.
366
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:28,160
What do you want?
367
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:34,720
I hoped you'd understand...
Oh, I understand. Money is it?
368
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:38,925
What? No... Oh come on.
369
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,440
Everybody wants something.
I don�t want anything.
370
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,605
Fine. Good.
371
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:51,400
It was just- seeing
you up there tonight...
372
00:29:51,435 --> 00:29:52,965
I felt so proud.
373
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:57,240
What gives you the right?
To feel anything about me.
374
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:01,325
I always knew you
were something special.
375
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:05,560
Oh I was special. I was
the kid who had no mother.
376
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:13,280
I didn�t mean to
hurt anyone Barbara.
377
00:30:13,315 --> 00:30:18,960
l�m not Barbara.
l�m Sophie Straw.
378
00:30:18,995 --> 00:30:24,085
And you did. Hurt us.
379
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:28,080
That wasn�t part of my plan.
Oh there was a plan was there?
380
00:30:28,115 --> 00:30:30,777
It wasn�t just a
random act of cruelty?
381
00:30:30,812 --> 00:30:33,440
How could you never
even try to get in touch?
382
00:30:33,475 --> 00:30:35,285
How could you... I
did. I wrote to you.
383
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:38,340
Of course I did. Oh
please don�t lie to my face-
384
00:30:38,375 --> 00:30:41,360
I was just a little kid. All
I wanted was me mum!
385
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,400
What were you looking for?
386
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,040
What was so wrong with me
and dad that you had to go off
387
00:30:54,075 --> 00:30:57,245
searching for something better?
388
00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:01,040
So, go on then. Who�s
wife did you end up being?
389
00:31:01,075 --> 00:31:02,080
No-one�s.
390
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:05,560
No-one�s wife.
391
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:11,200
He was already married.
He was happy as we were.
392
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,720
Happy for a while.
393
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,605
And now suddenly here you are.
394
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:23,560
You were my baby, I
wanted to look at you.
395
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:27,960
Have you look back at me.
396
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:30,280
You're so beautiful.
397
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:44,940
Well that�s that sorted
then. I hope it was all worth it.
398
00:31:44,975 --> 00:31:49,080
Because when you went,
the bottom fell out of my world.
399
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,000
Oh, I'm sorry.
400
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,420
What you drinking?
401
00:32:04,455 --> 00:32:05,760
No, l�m fine.
402
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:17,120
What's that? Weird.
403
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:25,160
I see no reason why you
shouldn't be the next Sophie Straw.
404
00:32:25,195 --> 00:32:27,800
Here's my card. Come and see me.
405
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:36,400
Well played tonight.
406
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:39,560
Thanks.
407
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:53,420
Back off Dennis.
408
00:32:53,455 --> 00:32:55,565
She made her choice.
409
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,440
She didn�t know
there was a choice.
410
00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:31,920
Well, that was interesting
tonight. You deciding to go off book.
411
00:33:31,955 --> 00:33:33,365
Well I had a few things to say.
412
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,560
Yes, the problem with you,
Sophie Straw is that you always say
413
00:33:36,595 --> 00:33:39,720
too much. Don�t forget, you
were just a girl from nowhere.
414
00:33:39,755 --> 00:33:41,085
I put you on Television.
415
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:44,680
It�s up to me what you say
and when you get to say it.
416
00:33:44,715 --> 00:33:46,285
Those days are over Ted.
417
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:50,720
Times are changing. So either get
with it or get the fuck out of my way.
418
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,960
You're flying too high, ladybird,
your wings are gonna snap.
419
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,840
Ted Sargent is not a
waiter in some greasy spoon,
420
00:34:15,875 --> 00:34:17,680
he's the head of
light entertainment!
421
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:20,245
I'm worried about you.
422
00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,880
Well you can stop worrying.
Because l�m not doing this anymore.
423
00:34:22,915 --> 00:34:24,920
Oh, so you're giving up
on showbusiness are you?
424
00:34:24,955 --> 00:34:27,080
No. l�m giving up on you.
425
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:50,280
Eventful night.
426
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:52,680
I didn�t know you smoked.
427
00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:55,840
Nor did I.
428
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:09,240
I think l�ve screwed
things up with Ted Sargent.
429
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:13,160
l�d expect nothing less.
430
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:17,320
Den.
431
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:27,280
I think l�m a bit drunk.
432
00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:36,520
Where to miss? Hampstead please.
433
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:40,400
Goodnight, Sophie Straw.
434
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:19,080
Oh. l�m sorry I bailed;
l�m crap at goodbyes.
435
00:36:19,115 --> 00:36:21,240
l�ll fetch you a drink.
436
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,045
Why did you do that?
437
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:26,920
Do what? You shut
the bedroom door.
438
00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:31,240
Are you hiding someone? Soph!
439
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:47,320
I...
440
00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:52,400
l�ve been offered
a job in America.
441
00:36:54,240 --> 00:36:55,285
What?
442
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:59,880
They�re creating a new drama
and they want me for the lead.
443
00:37:02,820 --> 00:37:04,905
How could you not tell me that?
444
00:37:04,940 --> 00:37:08,500
I just didn�t want to spoil
the last show for everyone.
445
00:37:08,535 --> 00:37:10,140
Thoughtful. Darling.
446
00:37:11,940 --> 00:37:14,585
l�d be crazy to turn this down.
447
00:37:14,620 --> 00:37:18,220
Finley and O�Toole are both
working out there. They love it.
448
00:37:18,255 --> 00:37:20,265
This could be
great for both of us.
449
00:37:20,300 --> 00:37:25,940
Both of us? What? I just drop
everything and come with you?
450
00:37:25,975 --> 00:37:28,220
This is an amazing opportunity.
451
00:37:28,255 --> 00:37:31,420
For you. Not for me.
452
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:35,460
l�m here doing what I
always wanted to do.
453
00:37:35,495 --> 00:37:36,465
Sophie please... No!
454
00:37:36,500 --> 00:37:42,140
I don�t want to drop everything and
start again in America as just some
455
00:37:42,175 --> 00:37:44,660
anonymous blonde on your arm.
456
00:37:50,340 --> 00:37:54,625
You're the most ambitious
person I've ever met.
457
00:37:54,660 --> 00:37:57,900
You're the one who's leaving
for Hollywood in the morning
458
00:38:01,100 --> 00:38:05,105
Soph, do you remember,
I once said to you,
459
00:38:05,140 --> 00:38:07,940
that l�d never met
anyone like you. I meant it.
460
00:38:09,380 --> 00:38:12,540
You�re amazing. A one off.
461
00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:15,300
But if I stay...
462
00:38:16,820 --> 00:38:21,820
I'll just end up as a bit player
in the �Sophie Straw Show'.
463
00:39:10,860 --> 00:39:13,380
Yeah, did you end with a
wallop? Big party and all that?
464
00:39:13,980 --> 00:39:17,145
It was alright. Any
celebrities turn up?
465
00:39:17,180 --> 00:39:20,740
No celebrities but we did
have one unexpected visitor.
466
00:39:22,140 --> 00:39:24,460
Oh yeah? Do tell?
467
00:39:28,340 --> 00:39:29,340
Are you alright?
468
00:39:32,740 --> 00:39:35,940
Dad. Have you always told
me the truth about Mum?
469
00:39:38,260 --> 00:39:40,220
Did she ever try
to get in touch?
470
00:39:40,255 --> 00:39:41,820
Why�re you asking?
471
00:39:45,580 --> 00:39:49,300
I can�t talk now,
Dad, l�ve got to go.
472
00:39:49,335 --> 00:39:53,540
Oh uh - Ying Tong iddle i...
473
00:39:57,940 --> 00:40:02,020
My long lost mother turns
up and everything turns to shit.
474
00:40:04,460 --> 00:40:07,305
l�m so confused.
475
00:40:07,340 --> 00:40:12,620
All the anger, and the
hurt, the years of hate,
476
00:40:12,655 --> 00:40:15,185
it just feels like such a waste.
477
00:40:15,220 --> 00:40:20,080
The thing is though, without
her going off there would have
478
00:40:20,115 --> 00:40:24,940
been no rage, no fire in
your belly, no move to London.
479
00:40:26,340 --> 00:40:29,185
You�d have been crowned
Miss Blackpool and yer mum
480
00:40:29,220 --> 00:40:32,580
might have been sat there in
a deckchair, cheering you on.
481
00:40:32,615 --> 00:40:35,620
But that would've been
all that wouldn't happened.
482
00:40:37,340 --> 00:40:40,860
So I owe her
everything and nothing.
483
00:40:44,500 --> 00:40:46,705
But now what?
484
00:40:46,740 --> 00:40:51,060
l�ve finally found what l�m
good at - and where�s it got me?
485
00:40:52,260 --> 00:40:57,780
I've no agent, no boyfriend no
job - l�m right back where I started.
486
00:40:57,815 --> 00:41:00,340
No. You�re not
though. You're not.
487
00:41:02,700 --> 00:41:09,860
My Group would say that this is
you on the cusp of your next chapter.
488
00:41:11,620 --> 00:41:16,700
Sophie strikes out! The
future�s in your hands, Barb.
489
00:41:18,540 --> 00:41:19,620
You got to grab it.
490
00:41:20,700 --> 00:41:22,660
You think?
491
00:41:23,620 --> 00:41:26,780
I mean I dunno do I - but it
sounded really good, didn't it?
492
00:41:29,260 --> 00:41:30,660
What a wanker.
493
00:41:32,420 --> 00:41:34,025
Couldn�t he have
told us to our faces?
494
00:41:34,060 --> 00:41:37,140
I don�t blame Clive. He was
always slumming it with us in sitcom.
495
00:41:37,175 --> 00:41:41,540
Don�t defend him Den.
He is an arsing pisscock.
496
00:41:41,575 --> 00:41:43,625
What did Ted Sargent say?
497
00:41:43,660 --> 00:41:47,220
That without it�s lead Jim and
Barbara faces an uncertain future.
498
00:41:47,255 --> 00:41:50,260
Which translates
as? We�re fucked.
499
00:41:52,460 --> 00:41:56,660
Den, you�re freaking me
out. Why�re you smiling?
500
00:41:56,695 --> 00:41:58,705
God he's finally lost
it. Hide the knives.
501
00:41:58,740 --> 00:42:02,145
Ted Sargent is not the
only comedy shop in town.
502
00:42:02,180 --> 00:42:04,905
There�s a comedy shop in town?
Good, we can buy some new jokes.
503
00:42:04,940 --> 00:42:07,852
Tony, grab some
mugs. I just had a rather
504
00:42:07,858 --> 00:42:11,060
interesting conversation
with The Other Side.
505
00:42:12,580 --> 00:42:14,985
A deal? Are you
absolutely sure about this?
506
00:42:15,020 --> 00:42:17,580
My sister Euphemia works in
the Chief Executive�s office over
507
00:42:17,615 --> 00:42:20,185
at the Other Side. They�ve
made a very handsome offer.
508
00:42:20,220 --> 00:42:24,380
Really? Dennis is a corporation
man down to his woollen socks.
509
00:42:24,415 --> 00:42:26,660
Well Euphemia says
they�re drawing up contracts.
510
00:42:26,695 --> 00:42:28,505
Already? That was quick.
511
00:42:28,540 --> 00:42:31,300
Move with the times Ted.
They�re a commercial channel.
512
00:42:31,335 --> 00:42:32,785
They pounce!
513
00:42:32,820 --> 00:42:35,120
Get me Sophie Straw�s
appalling Agent on the phone.
514
00:42:35,155 --> 00:42:37,420
She sacked him
at the wrap party.
515
00:42:37,455 --> 00:42:40,100
Eunice, is there
anything you don�t know?
516
00:42:40,135 --> 00:42:41,465
When l�m getting a payrise?
517
00:42:41,500 --> 00:42:44,180
Find out where Sophie Straw
is and l�ll give you one now.
518
00:42:44,215 --> 00:42:47,180
Mr Sargent! Oh, I didn't mean-
519
00:42:49,220 --> 00:42:50,860
She�s on her way up.
520
00:42:53,820 --> 00:42:55,940
Do- come in...
521
00:42:58,660 --> 00:43:01,425
I'll call Sophie and
give her the good news.
522
00:43:01,460 --> 00:43:04,860
Once the cash rolls in we�ll
be bathing in champagne.
523
00:43:04,895 --> 00:43:06,745
Ooh no mate.
It�d sting your nuts.
524
00:43:06,780 --> 00:43:08,740
Soph�s going to
fucking love us forever!
525
00:43:11,620 --> 00:43:14,180
Hello? Hello Marjorie,
this is Dennis.
526
00:43:14,215 --> 00:43:16,625
May I please speak to Sophie?
527
00:43:16,660 --> 00:43:19,940
She�s gone to see that Ted
Sargent. I thought you�d be with her?
528
00:43:19,975 --> 00:43:20,980
Right.
529
00:43:22,620 --> 00:43:25,545
Den? Den?
530
00:43:25,580 --> 00:43:27,740
Den? Den what's up?
531
00:43:36,860 --> 00:43:39,545
l�m sorry if after the
show I was a little...
532
00:43:39,580 --> 00:43:44,740
Condescending? Rude. Though
to be fair I did tell you to ff...
533
00:43:44,775 --> 00:43:45,780
Well, quite.
534
00:43:47,500 --> 00:43:50,380
We�d like to find
you a new �Jim�!
535
00:43:52,060 --> 00:43:54,700
I don�t want to make
Jim and Barbara.
536
00:43:54,735 --> 00:43:56,180
No Jim and Barbara?
537
00:43:56,215 --> 00:43:58,780
No. No Jim.
538
00:43:59,820 --> 00:44:02,385
Just Barbara?
539
00:44:02,420 --> 00:44:05,220
That�s a great
name for the show!
540
00:44:05,255 --> 00:44:06,740
Where do I sign?
541
00:44:10,540 --> 00:44:12,220
Earls Court please!
542
00:44:18,540 --> 00:44:19,540
Dennis!
543
00:44:21,740 --> 00:44:25,180
I just got us a show!
We start straight away!
544
00:44:25,215 --> 00:44:27,837
What? No, we�ve got a show!
545
00:44:27,872 --> 00:44:30,425
Who with? The Other Side.
546
00:44:30,460 --> 00:44:33,425
What? Why didn�t you tell me?
547
00:44:33,460 --> 00:44:36,300
l�ve just signed a
contract with Ted Sargent.
548
00:44:50,740 --> 00:44:52,420
So what do we do now?
549
00:44:57,740 --> 00:44:58,740
Dennis.
550
00:45:05,740 --> 00:45:08,980
What would you have
said to me in Blackpool?
551
00:45:09,015 --> 00:45:10,460
If you�d had the chance?
552
00:45:12,620 --> 00:45:16,740
I would have said, Sophie Straw.
553
00:45:18,460 --> 00:45:19,460
I love you.
554
00:45:19,510 --> 00:45:24,060
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