All language subtitles for Funny Woman s01e04.eng

It's Knight Time with
your host... Jason Knight!

Keep up with me, boys.

Please welcome the two
young stars of Jim and Barbara,

it's Clive Richardson
and Sophie Straw.

Someone's popular.

Clive, honey, let's be honest.

You've got what every man wants.

The career is going pretty
well. I'm talking about Sophie.

What every man wants?

You make me sound like a
Black and Decker power drill.

The accent is real.
I think I'm in love.

Oh, well, join the queue,
mate. Sophie, come on,

what's old Clive got that - I haven't?
- Bigger car.

Bigger car. It's not
the size that - counts.

- I'll be the judge of that.

Oh.

She's got it. She's got
it. And I want to catch it.

? Something's got
a hold on me, yeah

? Oh, it must be love

? Oh, something's got a
hold on me right now, child

? Oh, it must be love

? Let me tell you now

? I've got a feeling,
I feel so strange

? Everything about me
seems to have changed

? Step by step, I
got a brand new walk

? I even sound
sweeter when I talk

? I said, oh ? Oh

? Oh ? Oh

? Oh, oh, yeah,
it must be love...

Alright, I've had enough.

You've had enough?
Alright, she's had enough.

Oh!

? Oh, it must be love

? Something's got
a hold of me right now

? Oh, it must be love

? Let me tell you now

? I've never felt
like this before

? Something's got a hold
on me that won't let go...

? I feel so strange
but it sure is good

? I said oh ? Oh

? Oh ? Oh

? Oh, hey, yeah

? Oh, it must be love
? Oh, it must be love...

Work was absolutely
bloody. What's for supper?

Well, I thought you were - buying fish.
- I thought you were.

I was flat out.

Well, we were flat
- out, too. I'm sorry.

- Were you?

Right.

Well, I know it seems like
all we do is lark around.

It certainly looked that way
when I saw you all in the club room.

Well, yeah, fair point.

That was very
much larking around.

I felt rather left out.

I sometimes wonder if you
should be with someone more fun,

more like, I don't
know, Sophie Straw.

She's not available.

Wow. So now we know.

Well, that couldn't have
come out anymore wrong.

I was just stating a fact.

It's in all the papers.
Sophie's with Clive.

I thought you said
she was bright.

Now, you see, that's funny.

Well, as it happens
I've been reading...

A joke, I know it.

It's a selection philosophical
essays about comedy.

Yes, I've read
it. It's hilarious.

Well, perhaps I could come
along to the Pipe Smoke Studio

and see you in action. We're
an arts and culture show.

You're aware there
won't be any laughs.

I'm cultured. Try me.

Who are you doing
a profile of this week?

Solzhenitsyn. The ballet dancer?

Dennis, you're...

I'm joking. I'm well aware of
Russia's most famous dissident.

Alright then, it's a date! I'll
have a word with my boss,

though he's sometimes a bit funny
about guests in the control room.

Burnham Whitfield being
funny. This I have to see.

And I'm not a guest,
I'm your husband.

Shall we just nip out
for - fish and chips?

- Might be best.

- Clive, wake up.
- Hmm? - Your mum's here.

- What?
- Your mum. Your mum's here.

Your mum.

Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, quick, quick,

- hide, hide.
- Where?

In the cupboard.
I'm fucking serious.

My mum will have a heart
attack if she sees you.

Mother, what a lovely surprise.

Well, I found your
fusebox, mate.

You need a new circuit
for your bracket valve.

Oh, right. Oh, how rude.
Sophie, this is Gladis.

- Morning.
- Whatcha.

She cleans on
Tuesday and Fridays.

I'll leave you to it.
Thank you, Gladis.

I hate you. You knew
and you didn't say.

Of course I did. Oh, and by the way,
my mother grew up with the Mitfords.

She'd be shocked if I
didn't have someone in bed.

Oh, no, no, no.

Gosh, is it wrong

that I find you rather
attractive dressed like this?

Oh, do the voice.

- You're weird.
- Come on, do it, do the voice.

Alright, mate. Oh.

I've come to check
your sprockets.

Oh, sprockets, hey?

? At last

? My love has come along

? My lonely days are over...

Morning, Marjorie.
You dirty stop-out.

Sausage sarnie alright?

Oh, doesn't he ever feed you?

Breakfast at Clive's is a
bloody Mary with an egg in.

Mm. How very James Bond.

Right, better get my skates on.

Got a union meeting first thing

and they're making us do a fire
drill. They've set up muster points.

I said, "Muster point?
What's the point, more like. "

If I heard a fire alarm going
on, I'm not hanging about

waiting to burst into
flames in an orderly fashion.

I'm squeezing me arse
out the basement window.

Are you sure you don't want a
ticket to see the show this week?

Why don't you take your dad?
Put him up in a swanky hotel

like you always said
you would. Maybe I will.

Introduce him to his
future - son-in-law.

- Give over.

Anyway, I'm really
busy this week.

I've decided to
spread my wings a bit.

What? I booked
myself in for yoga class.

So you'll be spreading your
wings and your bum cheeks.

What? Oh, God.

Oh, Marjorie,
that is disgusting.

You have no manners at all.

Ooh, that's a good one.

Alright, night.

I knew it was coming.

Life appears to
be imitating art.

Well, it's good publicity for the
show. The ratings are very buoyant.

Well, that's what maybe, but now
we've got this Mary Whitehouse woman

breathing down our neck
with her clean up TV manifesto.

Yes, but does anyone
really take her seriously?

Just the 500,000 people
who signed a petition.

Oh, allow me to read you
her appraisal of our output.

"This organisation spreads the
propaganda of dirt, promiscuity,

infidelity and drinking. " And
apparently we are also responsible

for the moral collapse of the - country.
- Well done, us.

The director general wants
all our shows to rein it in.

Jim and Barbara is quite racy
enough without out stars upping the ante

- off screen.
- Yes, well I'm sure Jim and Barbara

having the odd off-screen cuddle
won't bring down the network.

It's none of our business.

It will be your business if any
reports of personal misconduct

go public. I am trusting you,
keep an eye on your stars.

No cohabiting, and please,
no more pictures in the press.

Does my wife need
to buy a new hat?

I don't know, is she
going somewhere chilly?

An engagement would
be marvellous publicity.

You and Clive are as cute
as two kitties in a basket.

You could be the next Peter
Sellers and Britt Ekland, hey?

Brian, why do you have
their photo on the wall?

You don't even
represent them. Not yet.

Well, there won't be
any engagements, Brian,

not unless you got a proposal
there from young Prince Charles.

I hear he's quite partial
to a bit - of comedy.

- Nothing royal, darling,

but you do have a letter from your
old school PE teacher, Miss Liney.

Oh, my God, Miss Liney?
We used to call her Mussoliney.

She made us do cross
country in our pants.

Oh, God, anyone can track
you down when you're on TV.

Never mind the fan mail.
- We have news. - Big news.

You have been-Thank you, Patsy.

Sorry.

You have been offered a
plum role in a Carry On film.

An actual film,
darling, in cinemas.

- Hollywood, here we come.
- Oh, my God! I love the Carry On films.

My great friend Gerald
Thomas, the director, reached out

to me personally. We start
shooting as soon as we finish

the sitcom. Shall
I do the honours?

OK, how about this? Jim's working
from home and Barb's gone off

to see her mum.

Somewhere up north,
but Jim's being a bit cagey

about his new secretary.

So Barbs jumps to
conclusion it must be

because this new
secretary is sex on a stick.

Yes, but just to flag, why
would Barbara be worried?

I mean, forgive me, but we
have an absolute bombshell

playing our leading character.

- What?
- BOTH: Nothing, Dennis.

I didn't quite catch that, Dennis.
Did you say "lead character"?

Leading female character, I
meant. No, no, I don't think you did.

Ha-ha, I got you,
didn't I? I'm only kidding.

I honestly couldn't care
less. Can we finish telling you

our fucking great idea?

So, Barbara's very
worried and jealous.

So she beats a hasty
retreat back to the flat.

To surprise Jim and maybe catch
him in the act with his new secretary,

so to speak.
- Yes, go on chaps. I'm - with you.

But-No, let me guess.

She marches in and,
oops a diddly dandy,

the new secretary is a
fat Sunday school teacher

with a big hairy mole
and three-inch specs?

Well, thank you for assuming we'd
write something so deeply ordinary

and predicable, Clive. But no,
Jim's new secretary is a man.

Are men secretaries?
Secretary of State.

Private Secretary. Secretary - General.
- No, no, but I mean

usual-take-dictation,
Miss Jones, type secretary.

Of course men can be secretaries.
The job doesn't actually require

a vagina.

Yes, but sorry to be
Sir Lawrence Logic,

but surely, at some
point, Jim would say

the secretary's name and
Barbara would twig it was a man.

BOTH: Not necessarily.

Good.

Good, just good.

INSTRUCTOR: And
into the tree pose,

wave your branches
in the breeze.

Beautiful.

Steady.

Clasping that right ankle,

pushing the foot back
so we go to dancer pose.

Reaching forwards.

Lift the foot. Fuck!

Sorry. Sorry.

Beautiful.

Don't do yourself a mischief
before you've even gone in.

The mischief's already been
done. I'm not sure if I've snapped

my hamstring or
my knicker elastic.

you should have
come in - with our lot.

- What?

So what do you make in a
women's workshop, then?

Trouble.

Going to the pub, Sal.

You wanna come? Oh, to...? Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, my God, what are
you doing having a bath

at half past seven in the
morning? We haven't got a shower.

Sorry, I'm desperate.

Oh.

Relief.

I must have about a
gallon of lager in me.

I didn't think yoga types drank - beer.
- I couldn't handle yoga.

- I went to the pub.
- Who with?

I met some girls at
a women's workshop.

Yeah, nice bunch. Interesting.
One of them's a plumber.

Blimey. Maybe she could
take a look at your leaky pipes.

Haven't you finished
yet? Stop looking.

You're making me nervous
and making it worse.

How come Clive hasn't
asked you to move in, then?

Save you running back
here every morning.

We haven't really discussed it,

and Dennis says that Ted
Sargent wouldn't stand for it.

I suppose it'd mean we'd
have to get married for real.

Why doesn't he
just propose, then?

Everyone at work keeps asking.

Tell everyone at work to keep
their beaks out of my business.

God. You can't do anything these
days without everyone watching us

or writing it up in the paper.
We have to be really careful.

Well, you need to be
careful you don't get stuck

with all these blokes telling
you what to do with your life.

Last night, me and the girls
were talking about poor old

Cynthia Lennon.
- Poor? I don't think - so.

She's got a baby with a Beatle

and she's still made to
walk ten paces behind him,

so that he can look
sexy and available.

Christ, you're a bit
argy-bargy today, Maj.

What was in that beer?
Was it a pint of courage?

No, as women we've gotta stand
up for ourselves, Barb, you know.

Not put up with
all of their pat...

er... patriarcal bullshit.

Diane Lewis. Today
with Andrew O'Shea.

So, at this point do I know
the secretary is in the kitchen?

No, no, he could be anywhere.

Bedroom, bathroom,
hiding in a cupboard.

Oh, so could I
be an electrician?

An electrician come
to check his sprockets.

Yeah, yeah, alright.

- Alright. Hey, put this on.
- Perfect.

We take it back to the entrance?
- Oh, yes. - Very good.

So, obviously I, Jim,
knows that it's Barbara

from the moment she comes in the - door.
- Right, but you don't want her

- to know you know.
- Why not?

Cos that's how we
wrote it. It's a double bluff.

- You've got the upper hand.
- OK. No, OK. Good, good. Thank you.

So, thanks for coming around.

It's Charlie,
isn't it? Yes, sir.

My parents named
me after Charlie Chaplin

on account of my
moustache. I can see.

It is very good, but
it's not gonna work.

I mean, you have to play with
that. Babies don't have moustaches.

Er... I was an
unusually hairy baby.

Shaving at the age of three.

Alright, very good. OK, so...

Well, Charlie, my old mucker,
can I interest you in a cup of tea?

Oh, yeah, a cup of
Rosie Lee would be lovely.

I'm sorry, Dennis, - blame her.
- Sorry.

If it's no trouble, sir.
Oh, no, no trouble at all.

My secretary's just put
another pot on. Hilary,

- another cup of tea, please.
- Bill, could you play Hilary for now?

Why can't I just...

Bill, I had a great
idea. What if Hilary

was a touch
light in the loafers.

I think that would be hilarious.
Yeah, well we did actually imagine

that Hilary was homosexual,
Clive, but not so we could-

No, no.

Oh, come on, Dennis, not
the dreaded green book.

Yes, handed to me by Ted Sargent.
Sure he has a drawer full of them.

"Jokes about effeminacy
in men are banned. "

Yep, right, but Hilary
is not effeminate.

That's the whole point.

We are trying to present
a homosexual character

that is not some
fucking ridiculous parody.

Den, radio's more
cutting edge than us.

Round the Horn has got
two blokes speaking Polari.

What's Polari?

You're the one that
said that we should be

- pushing boundaries.
- We do need to be pushing boundaries,

but I'm not convinced that
throwing in a coded language

for the few that know it is
the best way to give voice

to the community
we're trying to represent.

Sophie, what would - Barbara think?
- About?

About Jim's
secretary liking men.

About men having
sex with other men.

Crikey.

I don't know if I
know any men who...

Well, there were rumours
about our milkman.

But would it bother her?

Um...

Well, the show's about
modern love, isn't it?

Would be boring if
we were all the same.

Each to his own, I say.

Isn't she remarkable?

- - Hi. - Hi.
- Sorry to butt in.

Can I grab Clive for a fitting?

There's a hilarious joke in there
somewhere about butts and fitting.

I thought I might take us all out
to the Opposition Club tonight.

Oh, cool.

Only if you finish
the script, of course.

Oh. Dennis.

Diane! What you
doing here? Working.

Doing a piece for Nova Magazine?

Nova's over, baby.

You are looking at
the new on-air reporter

for Today with Andrew O'Shea.

You didn't tell me
you were up for that!

- I didn't want to jinx it.
- Wow.

How do you even audition
for a show like that?

I had to present a piece to
camera. Did you write it yourself?

Of course, I'm a journalist.
- That's the job. - Oh, my.

Well, come on,
let's have a drink.

I've got a bit of good
news myself. What?

I've been offered a role
in the next Carry On film!

Hey, great.

What? Have you not
seen the Carry On - films?

- Oh, I've seen them

and they're funny. It's the girls
in them are always just a bit...

What?

Nubile nurse or
frumpy old battle axe.

They're never the funny
doctor or wacky scientist.

Oh, right.

Oh. Well, me and me
dad liked them because

they're not just all posh
people with fancy jobs

talking like her off
Brief Encounter.

You know what, you're right.

And they probably written
you something great.

What part are you playing?

A stripper called Tina Tittley.

? In the cool of the evening

? Everything is
getting kinda groovy...

What exactly does Ted
Sargent - mean by cohabiting?

- Living in sin.

Well, what about if two people
are living together, but not doing it?

I mean, is that a sin?
Wait, how old are you?

Would Ted Sargent object to - that then?
- Yeah.

How would he even know if
Soph and Clive were doing it?

He's probably hiding in a
bush outside Clive's place

with a pair of binoculars and
his trousers round his ankles.

Can everyone shut up about my
sleeping arrangements, please?

So, we're saying that Ted
Sargent doesn't believe in sex

- before marriage?
- Or during, by the looks of it.

I think I've died and
gone to comedy heaven.

Is that actual Peter Cook up
there? And that's your cuddly Dudley

- right there.
- Oh, my God! Do you know them?

He gave some of this
lot their first job in radio.

Dennis, does that mean
that you're part of the...

what's it called,
the Oxfam Mafia?

- The Oxbridge Mafia.
- Oh. Does that really exist?

It does if you're in
it. Evening, ladies.

Dennis, always a pleasure.

Pleasure's all mine, Frankie.

Well it could be, if you
only give it a go, dear.

Oh, Anthony, William.
I'm ignoring you.

I'm sorry we don't have time to
work for you anymore, Frankie.

I hope you will soon
find another writer.

And I hope you'll soon get
another cock up your arse.

Well, that's unlikely
with that hairdo, dear.

He doesn't show up for deli
boys - these days, Frankie.

- What's that?

TONY: Just
nothing. Just fuck off.

Clive's bought a round.
Take a picture, someone.

Well, I just didn't want to
wait for you to look old enough

to get served at the bar,
Bill. Cooey, who's the dolly?

He's asking who's the
pretty face? Oh, Mr Howard.

- I'm such a big fan.
- Oh, nice to meet you, big fanny,

but I was talking about that one.
No, he doesn't play cards either,

ducks. He's with the boney
palone. This is Sophie Straw.

- They're the leads in our sitcom.
- Oh, I don't watch other comedy, dear,

unless I'm nicking material.

Thief of bad gags, me.

Mr Howard, I've got a - question.
- What is it?

How did you learn to be funny?
Oh, you can't teach it, dear.

It takes years of failure,
but if you've got it inside

it pops out like a

cartes and quongs from a
Trade's kaffies in a cottage.

What does he mean?

Go on, Dennis dear.

Well, he says that...

if it's in you the
comedy will pop out

like a gentleman's...

- Dick, dear.
- Oh!

- Thank you, Frankie.
- Polari.

ELEANOR: Darling, do you
want to see my wedding dress?

I'm going to try it on. Hey, I
thought it was supposed to be

unlucky to see the
bride in her dress.

Silly, that only
applies to the groom.

That's Eleanor Bron
and that's John Fortune.

Yes, they're brilliant at - improvising.
- You what?

Well, they basically make
it up as they go along.

What, even the lass?
Especially the lass.

For the best man.

Yes, I know, you've
been after me for years.

Morning.

You had a late one last
night. Well, I promised the team

I'd take them out to
the Opposition Club.

Hmm, we all know
you're a man of your word.

I completely forgot. I had
it in my diary for tonight.

You completely forgot or you
had it in your diary for tonight?

Both. I think.

Sorry.

Vernon is beginning
to think you don't exist.

Well, you can tell him
I very much do exist.

Well, as it happens, my profile
on Solzhenitsyn was postponed.

Great. I mean, that's
a shame for you.

Was the whole show cancelled?

Actually, we brought forward a
live interview with Tony Hancock.

Oh, he was fascinating
about comedy.

You might have enjoyed it.

The Carry On people
have been on the phone

and they are eager
to confirm some dates.

So, if you would just
sign on the dotted line.

I don't know if I want
to do the film, Brian.

Patsy... Yes, darling?
Would you arrange for me

to have a hearing test, please.

You - heard me.
- The script's hilarious.

Sophie Straw,
what's got into you?

I just don't think I want everything
to be about my knockers.

Oh.

They don't make me
do it on Jim and Barbara.

It'd be a step
back. And last night

Dennis took us to a comedy club
and I saw this girl in a double act

making up her own lines.
- Eleanor something. - Eleanor Bron?

She's a completely different
thing. She went to Cambridge,

for God's sake.

All I know is that nobody
was laughing at her bust.

Maybe I could make
up my own lines.

Now, look here, young lady, you need
to learn to walk before you can run.

Before you met me you
didn't have a shilling for a cab.

Look, this will
not last forever.

My advice to you is to make
the best of what you've got

while you've got it cos God knows
there soon be another young girl

coming up behind you, better,
funnier, prettier and bigger.

And she'll be only too
happy to fill your kinky boots.

Sophie Straw, come back here!

- She's gone completely mad.
- Hmm.

Hilary always takes care
of me while my wife's away.

Takes care of you, does she?

Yes, my secretary
is very obliging.

- Obliging!
- Hilary, where are we with that tea?

At which point, Hilary
enters with the tea.

Oh, Den, how about
when I twig it's a fella,

I give a little glance
direct to camera?

Oh, sorry, Soph, I'm afraid
that breaks the fourth wall.

Ah, darling, the fourth
wall is an imaginary wall

and if we look into the
cameras then we break it

and we establish we're in
a television show, you see?

Frankie Howard does
it, and Lucille Ball.

And that first time when
I bumped into a camera,

I did it and it got a big laugh.

Yes, but is it the
wrong sort of - laugh?

- Is there a wrong

sort of laugh?

Yeah, it was a good question.
Bill, you might disagree

with me, but in my-I think
we should give it a go.

I'll be the camera.
BILL: I'll be Hilary.

From?

So, go back to the first
bit of ladder business.

Very good. Cup of tea. Hilary,
where are we with that tea?

Here you are. I hope
you like it strong.

Hilary, meet... my wife.

It takes all sorts to
create a modern world.

Any good?

What do you think?

Sold.

? Everybody falls
in love somehow...

Ah. ? Something in your kiss...

Edith, I'm so sorry.

- Peace offering?
- Yes.

Thanks.

? There's no telling
where may love appear...

Gosh, I can see why they
call the show Pipe Smoke.

You haven't started smoking
a meerschaum, have you?

I don't suppose you fancy coming
to see the show tomorrow night?

Actually, feel free to say
yes and then not turn up.

That would serve me right.
Um... it's been a long day.

I'm going to run a bath.

London's took such
a hit during the war

and it's coming up
roses now though, isn't it?

Oh, now keep your money
in your top pocket, George.

You can't trust anyone,
even the kiddies.

It's a fun piece,

but I don't just want
to do the fluffy stuff.

I did a piece on birth
control for Nova Magazine.

OK.But I'll build up to that.

It's fine. I'll use my own.

ANDREW: And now, let's meet
the newest addition to our team,

Diane Lewis. Welcome, Diane.

Thank you, Andrew.

Why don't you tell us
what you've been up to.

Well, Andrew, I have been
out and about on Carnaby Street

looking at the latest gear
for groovy chicks and guys.

These days it's quite
hard to tell the difference.

Well there's a whole new scene
they're calling Unisex Fashion.

I'm intrigued. Let's have
a look at Diane in action.

You're just what this show
needs, people are gonna love you.

This must be
costing you a fortune.

Dad, just enjoy
it while I've got it.

We did alright,
didn't we, my love.

You and me.

Wait for me.

- Stone me.
- What?

You look lovely, Aunty Mar.

Thank you.

I wouldn't want Clive to
think we were provincial.

Provincial.
Perfection, more like.

Mr Parker.

- Clive, how are you?
- May I?

Thank you.

It's right this way.
Thank you very much.

I am safe in assuming that
nobody here hates champagne?

Mario?

Oh, he's much funnier
in real life, isn't he?

Well, try telling that to our - writers.
- I didn't think you'd

do better than Aiden,
but this one's a keeper.

You know, it is actually
rude to whisper, girls.

Unless you're saying
something - rather nice about me.

- We are.

I think we require...

There's no prices - on the menu.
- Oh, no, please,

I've taken care of it.

- - Oh. - Please.
- Thank you.

But are you looking forward to
seeing the show recording, hmm?

Well, I'm more worried about how
we're going to get back to the hotel

- afterwards.
- Oh.

Oh, no, we'll get
production to organise a car

from the after party, no?
There's an after party?

Oh, Barb didn't say.
It might be late, Marie.

On VE day I stayed up dancing
until 4:30 in the morning, Clive.

So you are a tear away really.

Will there be
famous people there?

Get to see a Beatle. I'd
rather have Acker Bilk any day.

Right, well let's drink to that.

To Acker Bilk.
ALL: To Acker Bilk.

No, no, we have to sleep.

Show day tomorrow.

I have to go home and
change in about four hours.

Soph, Soph, Soph, I've
actually been thinking.

It is crazy that you have to rush
backwards and forwards every time,

so...

...Sophie Straw, would you do me
the honour of moving in with me?

But... what about Ted Sargent?

Yes, so I don't think
there's room for him, too.

No, what if he finds out?

I'll get in loads of trouble.
We're consenting adults.

It's different for girls.
Sophie, come on,

what could possibly go wrong?

Those brown sheets
would have to go.

Feels like I'm
sleeping in an oil slick.

Well, I guess we do
know who's in charge here.

You are.

You know that always gets me.

- Miss Straw.
- How did you get in here?

- Can I have an autograph?
- OK.

- Who shall I make it out to?
- Sidney.

She even looks a bit like you.

Sidney Vast, reporter
with the Sun Newspaper.

How does it feel to
be the last to know?

? If you want

? Something to play with

? Go and find yourself a toy

? My time is too expensive

? Anyway, you're
not a little boy

? But if you

? Baby, if you're serious

? Don't play with my heart

? You make me furious

? But if you want me

? If you want me to love you...

Hi. Tea.

You know, don't you?

I thought we were friends, - Polly.
- We are.

I never would have done it if
I thought you were exclusive.

- What you mean?
- Clive said it was no big deal.

That you were both into the
whole permissive society thing.

We didn't mean to hurt you.

? If you wanna play, boy

? Go and find yourself a toy...

Soph, we've just got a
couple of script changes.

- Hello.
- Oh, hello.

Are you guests of - Sophie Straw?
- Yes.

- Would you like to come with me?
- Is this for the very important people?

Come with me, I'll
get you - to the front.

- Come along, George.

Excuse me.

Norris, at the top of the scene
can you give me a deep two shot

when Barbara enters, please?
Den, mate, we got a problem.

She won't answer us. We could
hear her all teary in the dressing room.

Sounded like a wounded animal.

What wounded animal
sound like a fully-grown woman

crying her eyes
out? A panda, maybe.

Maybe, I don't know.

- Oh, hello.
- Thank you.

Are these the
important people seats?

You have a choice, you can
stay in here and not do the show.

No, I am not not doing the show.

I can't do the show, Dennis.

Sophie, you love being in front
of an audience. They love you.

Look, I know what you're trying
to do, Dennis, but there is no way

I'm gonna stand in front of that
audience and act like I'm in love

with Clive Richardson
when right now

all I wanna do is
wring his bastard neck!

You don't have to
be in love with Clive.

You have to be in love with Jim.

When Lucille Ball found
out that Desi Arnaz was

playing away, she fought back.

She became the first woman
to run a major television studio.

Oh, yeah, cos I can
do that with my wages.

Success is the sweetest revenge.

The point is, you
can fight back...

...by going out there
and being funny.

MAN: And Barbara
isn't very happy about it.

She's told Jim that she's
away at her mother's

up north, but really "wink-wink,"
she's come around to spy on Jim,

who she thinks is having
an affair with his secretary.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Anybody here been a secretary?

Oh, yes, madam, what
is your short hand like?

Not as big as my long hand.
Not as big as your long hand.

Now then, are we
ready? AUDIENCE: Yeah!

We're rolling in five, four...

Oh, thanks for
coming. Charlie, isn't it?

That's right, sir. Named
after Charlie Chaplin

- on account of my moustache.
- I'm sorry, how does that work exactly?

I was an unusually hairy baby.

Shaving since the age of three.

Well, Charlie, me old mucker,
can I interest you in a cup of tea?

Oh, I could kill a cup of
Rosie Lee would be lovely,

if it's no trouble.
Oh, no trouble at all.

My secretary has - just made a pot.
- Secretary, is it?

Hilary, another
cup of tea, please.

- Hilary, is it?
- Hmm.

Oh, yes, Hilary always takes
care of me while my wife's away.

My secretary is very obliging.

Obliging. I bet she's been
obliging you all over the place.

At work, in your
office, or here at home.

On your snazzy flipping sofa.

Hilary, where is that
tea? Shot 62, camera 4.

Here we are. You like it strong?

Umm, Hilary, meet my wife.

- Huh, whatcha?
- Your wife?

Each to his own, I say.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh! Well, Hilary,

it takes all sorts to
make a modern world.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Good work, studio.
Right, well done, Den.

Well done.

Congratulations, darling.

I'm proud of you.

A bit near the knuckle for me,
but it was very professional.

Well done, everyone.
Excellent show.

Drinks in the club
bar, everyone.

- She'll come and find us.
- Yeah.

What the hell was that?

Couldn't you just
keep it in your trousers

for once?
- What are you talking - about?

Oh, you know damn well

what I'm on about. You and
Polly. Me and Polly, oh, my, what?

Can the sound department
please turn off the microphones?

Sound department, where
are you? Don't make it worse,

you lying arsehole.
I've seen photographs.

Is this part of the
show? I don't know.

- It wasn't me.
- I'd recognise that body part anywhere.

Did we ever say that
we're actually exclusive?

It's the '60s. Everyone's
- screwing around.

- I'm not.

The only person
I'm screwing is you.

You even asked me to move in with - you.
- Yeah, and I meant it.

Then why are you such a...
- Such a what? Go on. - Such a...

What, what? Go on, say it.
Oh, dear God, please don't.

- Go on.
- Such a lying, cheating cunt!

Wow.

? Magic moments

? When two hearts are caring

? Magic moments

? Memories we've been sharing

? I'll never forget
the moment we kissed

? The night of the hay ride

? The way that we
hugged to try to keep warm

? While taking a sleigh ride

? Magic moments

? Memories we've been sharing

? Magic moments

? When two hearts are caring

? Time can't erase

? The memory of

? These magic moments

? Filled with love ?

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