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The following programme
contains strong language.
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00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,765
? Sunshine,
lollipops and rainbows
3
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:11,800
? Everything that's wonderful
is what I feel when we're together
4
00:00:11,835 --> 00:00:14,685
? Brighter than a lucky penny
5
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,880
? When you're near the
rain goes, disappears, dear
6
00:00:17,915 --> 00:00:20,005
? And I feel so fine
7
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,965
? Just to know that you are mine
8
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,680
? My life is sunshine,
lollipops and rainbows
9
00:00:26,715 --> 00:00:29,197
? That's how this refrain goes
10
00:00:29,232 --> 00:00:31,680
? So, come on,
join in, everybody
11
00:00:31,715 --> 00:00:33,725
? Sunshine, lollipops and...
12
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,440
I drew you in the sweepstake
for the beauty contest, Barb.
13
00:00:36,475 --> 00:00:38,280
So, pull out all
the stops, will ya?
14
00:00:38,315 --> 00:00:41,325
Oh, it's just a lark, Pat.
15
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:45,720
My money's on Janice Allsthrop.
she's got a bigger beehive.
16
00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,485
? Sunshine, lollipops...
17
00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,760
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
? Everything that's wonderful
18
00:00:50,795 --> 00:00:53,400
? Is what I feel
when we're together...
19
00:00:53,435 --> 00:00:55,680
And what a feast for the eyes.
20
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:01,080
You lucky girls, my good lady wife
was going to enter the competition.
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00:01:01,115 --> 00:01:04,565
Mm! (LAUGHS) Pulled
out because of her bunions.
22
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:08,120
(LAUGHTER) I jest. A
former Miss Blackpool herself,
23
00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:10,045
believe it or believe it not,
24
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:16,120
girls, be warned, kiddies and
cream buns, that's what happened.
25
00:01:16,155 --> 00:01:18,045
You're no oil painting yourself.
26
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,960
But you didn't marry me because
I was an oil painting, my love.
27
00:01:20,995 --> 00:01:23,760
Whereas... Well, that
was the whole point of you.
28
00:01:23,795 --> 00:01:27,045
(LAUGHS) Go on,
give us a smile, love.
29
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:30,240
Oh, it looks like we have
a decision.(LAUGHS)
30
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,920
(FEEDBACK) In third place...
31
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,965
...Sandra Holt!
32
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,285
(APPLAUSE) (FANFARE PLAYS)
33
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:42,480
(LAUGHS) Well done.
- Well done, Sandra. - Well done.
34
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,600
Applause please for our
runner-up. Well, hopefully,
35
00:01:49,635 --> 00:01:53,320
she won't be running anywhere
in those heels. (LAUGHS)
36
00:01:53,355 --> 00:01:56,725
Janice Allsthrop. (APPLAUSE)
37
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,800
(FANFARE) Yeah,
well done. Janice.
38
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:07,440
And now the moment we've all
been waiting for. (CLEARS THROAT)
39
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:10,537
Oh, crikey Mr Parker,
it's down to the wire.
40
00:02:10,572 --> 00:02:14,786
Hold your nerve,
Aiden, hold your nerve.
41
00:02:14,821 --> 00:02:19,000
In first place, the
Belle of Blackpool 1964,
42
00:02:19,035 --> 00:02:21,685
is Barbara Parker.
43
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,085
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
? Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
44
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,800
? Everything that's wonderful
is what I feel when we're together
45
00:02:29,835 --> 00:02:33,085
? Brighter than a lucky penny
46
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,560
? When you're near the
rain goes, disappears, dear
47
00:02:36,595 --> 00:02:38,757
? And I feel so fine
48
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,476
#Because you're in love
49
00:02:40,511 --> 00:02:42,125
? You're in love...
50
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,685
(LAUGHS) ? And
love is here to stay
51
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,400
Barbara Parker, ladies
and gentlemen. Very good.
52
00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:52,405
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)
53
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,965
Well done, love. (LAUGHS)
54
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,600
Len Phillips, Evening Gazette.
So, are we the immediate family?
55
00:02:59,635 --> 00:03:01,765
I'm her father, George Parker.
56
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,000
Excuse me. Coming through.
P- A-R-K-E-R.Excuse me.
57
00:03:04,035 --> 00:03:06,597
I'm related too,
thank you very much.
58
00:03:06,632 --> 00:03:09,125
Who's this then?
The Queen Mother?
59
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,445
I am most certainly not her
mother, I'm her Aunt Marie.
60
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,064
This young buck is Aiden.
61
00:03:14,070 --> 00:03:16,720
Barbara's - fiance.
- They won't like that.
62
00:03:16,755 --> 00:03:19,089
Don't want to break the
hearts of every lad in Blackpool.
63
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,240
(LAUGHS) I am here, if
you want to ask me anything.
64
00:03:24,275 --> 00:03:26,325
No, thanks. I just
make the rest up.
65
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:30,020
All right, then. Out the way!
Let's go for the money shot.
66
00:03:30,055 --> 00:03:33,747
Stick your chest out, love.
You could be a glamour girl.
67
00:03:33,782 --> 00:03:37,071
- The next Sabrina.
- Oh, come on, our Barbara, say cheese.
68
00:03:37,106 --> 00:03:40,360
I sometimes shout out
"knickers", just to shake things up.
69
00:03:40,395 --> 00:03:43,400
You want to get used to my
colourful sense of humour.
70
00:03:43,435 --> 00:03:46,480
Opening supermarkets,
hospitals, dog shows.
71
00:03:46,515 --> 00:03:49,320
You're gonna have
a very busy year.
72
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,840
? Open up the sky
73
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,600
? Cos I'm coming up to you
74
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,760
? So send down your wings
75
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,600
? And let 'em bring me to you
76
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,920
? You know, I'm
standing at the station
77
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,245
? Ready to go
78
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,440
? Oh, big old aeroplane
79
00:04:19,475 --> 00:04:21,565
? I'm trusting you so
80
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:28,300
? Get on up, big
bird, to my baby's love
81
00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:35,000
? Get on up, big bird,
I got to make it work
82
00:04:35,035 --> 00:04:37,040
? Get on up, big bird
83
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:48,900
? With me down here
84
00:04:48,935 --> 00:04:53,525
? And you up there
85
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,965
? Now all we know
is ? All we know is
86
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:02,485
? It ain't no fair... Dear
Dad, saying goodbye to you
87
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,120
was the toughest thing I've
done since learning long division.
88
00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:09,005
But I had to go.
It's now or never.
89
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,845
? And never coming
back, get on up...
90
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,005
Tell Aiden he's got full
permission to hate me.
91
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,080
But I've got this feeling in
my gut that life's got something
92
00:05:18,115 --> 00:05:20,880
more in store for me than
being Miss Blackpool Belle.
93
00:05:20,915 --> 00:05:22,965
And now's my chance
to find out what.
94
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,640
? Get on up, big bird
? Get on up, big bird
95
00:05:26,675 --> 00:05:30,245
? To my baby's love,
get on up, big bird. ?
96
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:35,560
Dad, it's soft to say I love
you, so I won't. But I do.
97
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,960
I'll write as soon
as I'm settled.
98
00:05:38,995 --> 00:05:41,240
Bright lights, here I come.
99
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,960
Good morning, madam.
Good morning.(CHUCKLES)
100
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,925
Mother of the bride, is it?
101
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:02,800
Er, well, perhaps this hat
might suit madam better.
102
00:06:02,835 --> 00:06:06,960
I like this one.
What do you think?
103
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:12,960
Have you ever seen a dead
badger on the side of the road?
104
00:06:12,995 --> 00:06:16,125
I beg your pardon?
Well, you did ask.
105
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,480
She did ask, didn't she? Is
there a problem, Barbara?
106
00:06:19,515 --> 00:06:22,765
No, no, Miss Sykes. I was
just explaining to madam
107
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:28,000
that this hat makes her head
look a little bit like, um... Roadkill.
108
00:06:28,035 --> 00:06:30,045
Yeah.
109
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:36,080
I'm... I'm so sorry, madam,
She's from up north.
110
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:44,240
I was just being
honest. Honest? Honest.
111
00:06:44,275 --> 00:06:48,017
The only honest
opinion madam requires
112
00:06:48,052 --> 00:06:51,760
is to be told that
the hat, any hat,
113
00:06:51,795 --> 00:06:56,045
looks absolutely perfect.
114
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,285
(COPIES ACCENT)
Absolutely perfect.
115
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,840
Sorry, Miss Sykes, it
won't happen again.
116
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,480
(LAUGHTER)
117
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,285
(LAUGHTER)
118
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,765
Whoa! Hazard warning.
119
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,320
That chicken sandwich has
been there, like, two weeks.
120
00:07:25,355 --> 00:07:27,325
Oh, it smells a bit ripe. Ripe?
121
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,760
Surprised it hasn't grown legs
and run out clucking.(LAUGHS)
122
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:37,220
Marjorie. Shoes.
123
00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:41,205
Barbara. Hats.
124
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:41,957
There you are.
125
00:07:41,963 --> 00:07:44,040
Yeah, of course, you've
got a face for hats.
126
00:07:44,075 --> 00:07:45,965
Oh, you haven't seen
me in a bobble hat,
127
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,322
I look like a boiled
egg - in a tea cosy.
128
00:07:48,328 --> 00:07:49,520
- All right, my love?
129
00:07:49,555 --> 00:07:53,685
So, do you know this lot
then? No, not personally.
130
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,160
I can tell which departments
they work in just by looking at them.
131
00:07:57,195 --> 00:07:59,965
Starting at the top.
Of the building?
132
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,565
The league table.
- Here you go, Marj. - Cheers, Julie.
133
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:08,520
Now, over here we've got ladies'
fashion and couture, first division.
134
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,680
They all went to Lucie
Clayton Modelling School,
135
00:08:10,715 --> 00:08:12,485
they all talk posh,
they all walk like
136
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:16,480
they've got a stick up their
arse. Never seen one of them eat.
137
00:08:16,515 --> 00:08:19,485
Perhaps they shovel down
the pies when they get home.
138
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,280
Oh, no, they don't go home, no.
They party all night with pop stars.
139
00:08:23,315 --> 00:08:24,262
See the redhead?
140
00:08:24,268 --> 00:08:26,440
Yeah. She went on
a date with a Beatle.
141
00:08:26,475 --> 00:08:30,120
No! Yeah.(GASPS) He's
just the drummer, though, so...
142
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,040
Next floor down,
you've got make-up.
143
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,405
So, you can be
pretty and, like, short,
144
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:43,120
but you can't have the wonky
teeth. Well, no. Who wants buy lippy
145
00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:46,960
off someone with a gob
like Ken Dodd? (LAUGHS)
146
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,765
Now, over here
we've got perfume.
147
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,920
Law unto themselves that
lot. What do you mean?
148
00:08:54,955 --> 00:08:58,005
Men come in to buy
gifts for their ladies, yeah?
149
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:02,160
They ask the girls to spritz on
themselves so they can smell it.
150
00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:06,280
That's Millie. One geezer
sniffed all the way up to her armpit.
151
00:09:06,315 --> 00:09:08,680
Then he gave it a lick. Oh!
152
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,840
And that's you, hats.
153
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,680
So, what are we in hats?
Bottom of the league table?
154
00:09:18,715 --> 00:09:21,640
No, no, that's us, in shoes.
155
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,405
Whoops! Sorry.
156
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,360
I could kill her. Now, you'll
find us in the basement,
157
00:09:28,395 --> 00:09:30,165
just follow the cheesy pong.
158
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,240
Thanks for the
rundown, Marjorie.
159
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,040
Hey, it's Marj.
160
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,480
If you want.
161
00:09:38,515 --> 00:09:40,400
Marj.
162
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,165
Where are you living
then? Bed and breakfast.
163
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,540
Just moved down from Blackpool.
- Blackpool? - Mm-hm!
164
00:09:49,575 --> 00:09:51,967
Is that why you talk funny?
From where I'm standing,
165
00:09:52,002 --> 00:09:54,360
you're the one who talks
funny. I'm from Croydon,
166
00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:57,560
we all sound like this. See you.
167
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,200
Er, look, I've... I've got
a room in Earl's Court.
168
00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:05,325
Good for you. What? No.
169
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,160
I mean, you can
move in, if you like.
170
00:10:09,195 --> 00:10:11,000
I'm looking for
a flatmate, so...
171
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,360
OK.
172
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,600
(LAUGHS)
173
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,880
? What are we here?
174
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,320
? Landlords and pressure tenants
175
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,285
? What are we here?
176
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,240
? Landlords and pressure tenants
177
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,360
? It come like everything crash
178
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,365
? Them nah want
you for use the gas
179
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,360
? Put in shilling for get a bath...
- Hiya. - All right?
180
00:10:50,395 --> 00:10:52,777
You've got so much stuff.
181
00:10:52,812 --> 00:10:55,766
It's mainly hairspray.
182
00:10:55,801 --> 00:10:58,685
OK. ? What are we here?
183
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,800
? Landlords and
pressure tenants...
184
00:11:00,835 --> 00:11:03,137
You coming? Ugh!
185
00:11:03,172 --> 00:11:05,405
This is Sandra.
186
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,310
- Hiya.
- Hi.
187
00:11:06,316 --> 00:11:09,120
All right? ? Landlords
and pressure tenants. ?
188
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,080
It's only one more flight.
You said that two flights ago.
189
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,240
Come in. Oop!
190
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,720
Welcome to Maison a la Marj.
191
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,240
Kitchen's just there.
This is the bedroom.
192
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,340
That's my bed, this is your
bed here, by the window.
193
00:11:35,375 --> 00:11:38,520
I can't sleep in a draft
because of my adenoids.
194
00:11:38,555 --> 00:11:40,565
(SNORES)
195
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,300
Mayday, mayday, London
calling. It's groovy here, Dad.
196
00:11:44,335 --> 00:11:48,000
I've landed on my feet in
a swanky penthouse flat.
197
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,880
By night, you'll find me enjoying
cocktails and witty repartee.
198
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,365
(SNORES) By day, I've
got a job in the West End,
199
00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,680
giving high-class ladies
expert advice on fancy hats.
200
00:12:00,715 --> 00:12:03,045
Absolutely perfect.
201
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,325
It's a bit different to
rolling sticks of rock.
202
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,760
But I sometimes miss the
heady pong of sugar up my nose.
203
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:11,117
Say hello to Auntie
Marie and tell her
204
00:12:11,152 --> 00:12:13,405
I've still got ideas
above my station.
205
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,900
You never know, I
could be the biggest thing
206
00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:18,360
to come out of Blackpool
since you-know-who
207
00:12:18,395 --> 00:12:20,840
and the you-know-whats.
208
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,000
Big kiss, Dad.
Ying tong iddle I po.
209
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:27,885
Lucy, ready? Hello, friends.
210
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,720
I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl.
Are you tired, run down, listless?
211
00:12:31,755 --> 00:12:34,445
Do you poop out at
parties? Are you unpopular?
212
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,760
The answer to all your
problems is in this bittle lottle.
213
00:12:37,795 --> 00:12:39,920
Er, little bottle. (LAUGHTER)
214
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,125
Good, I haven't missed it.
215
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,240
Oh, what are we having
for our tea tonight?
216
00:12:48,275 --> 00:12:50,285
Oh, it depends
what you're cooking.
217
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:54,320
Marj, would you stop using my
best saucepan to boil your pants!
218
00:12:54,355 --> 00:12:57,205
Well, how else am I
meant to get the stains out?
219
00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,540
I've just spent an hour at the
laundrette, why didn't you come?
220
00:13:00,575 --> 00:13:03,840
Because I don't want strangers
just staring at me knick-knocks.
221
00:13:03,875 --> 00:13:06,605
At least I caught
a bit of Lucille Ball.
222
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:11,005
So, that was a bonus. Hey,
maybe we should get a telly?
223
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:15,200
I'm not watching that I Love Lucy
lady, she gets me all wound up.
224
00:13:15,235 --> 00:13:18,285
Pulling funny faces and
falling on her backside.
225
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,445
What kind of job is that? That's
worse than working in shoes.
226
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:25,720
I'd love to get paid to muck about.
- What? On telly? - Yeah. Why not?
227
00:13:25,755 --> 00:13:29,245
You wanna be an actress?
Well, maybe, I don't know.
228
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,000
My dad says that actresses are
no better than common prostitutes.
229
00:13:33,035 --> 00:13:35,040
Is your dad a vicar
from Victorian times?
230
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:37,365
No, he works at the car plant.
231
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,605
- Oh! - Oh!
- Bloody hell. - Aah.
232
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,680
Never mind a telly, we haven't even
got enough money to pay the meter.
233
00:13:44,715 --> 00:13:47,880
Hey, give me some change. I
splashed out on the tumble dryer.
234
00:13:47,915 --> 00:13:49,840
- Oh.
- Oh! What are we gonna do now?
235
00:13:49,875 --> 00:13:51,880
Oh! Hang on. It's just started.
236
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:55,085
(STATIC) (THEME TUNE)
237
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:59,840
The Awkward Squad is written
by Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes.
238
00:13:59,875 --> 00:14:03,657
(THEY TALK GIBBERISH) Produced
and directed by Dennis Mohindra.
239
00:14:03,692 --> 00:14:07,440
(THEY LAUGH) That's Smythe,
played by... Smythe played by...
240
00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:09,720
...Clive Richardson!
... Clive Richardson!
241
00:14:09,755 --> 00:14:12,605
Excuse me, but
who's in charge here?
242
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:13,960
- You are!
- You are!
243
00:14:13,966 --> 00:14:17,080
A family of six are moving
in from Glasgow tomorrow.
244
00:14:17,115 --> 00:14:20,160
I haven't got time to be cooking
and cleaning up after you.
245
00:14:20,195 --> 00:14:22,285
Oh, Marie, just
leave it, you know,
246
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,040
go and see to your
guests at Seagull's Hall.
247
00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:27,045
Nook, Seagull's Nook.
248
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,669
And you'll do your washing and
run a vacuum round too, will you?
249
00:14:29,675 --> 00:14:33,000
(SCOFFS) I'd like to see
that. Well, I'll just do it later.
250
00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:37,045
Just leave it. It may
have escaped your notice
251
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,320
but she's the same age
as her mother when she left.
252
00:14:39,355 --> 00:14:41,845
She's not gonna
disappear like Gloria.
253
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,205
She just needs to spread
her wings, that's all.
254
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,840
Well, might not be all she's
spreading if she's not careful.
255
00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:49,997
Marie, please. She...
She can handle herself.
256
00:14:50,032 --> 00:14:53,120
Listen, just because we
didn't get any chances,
257
00:14:53,155 --> 00:14:55,165
doesn't mean to
say she shouldn't.
258
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,149
You made her think
she's - something special.
259
00:14:57,155 --> 00:14:57,720
- But she is.
260
00:14:57,755 --> 00:15:00,269
She's swanned off to London...
I always told her that... like,
261
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,805
like she's above the lot of us.
262
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,469
But she doesn't mean it like that.
So, what was wrong with Aiden?
263
00:15:04,475 --> 00:15:07,245
I was in there for sausage
this morning, I was mortified.
264
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,200
If she'd played her cards right,
she could have been betrothed
265
00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:12,400
to the best-looking
butcher in Blackpool.
266
00:15:12,435 --> 00:15:14,440
Well...
267
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,445
Keep out of this
Private Private.
268
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,245
So sorry, didn't
realise it was private.
269
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,480
Excuse me, but who's in
charge here? (LAUGHS) You are!
270
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,480
? You can't despise
what you want to do...
271
00:15:36,515 --> 00:15:39,000
Absolutely perfect.
272
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:47,400
Absolutely perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
273
00:15:47,435 --> 00:15:49,957
Absolutely perfect.
274
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:53,116
Absolutely per-fect!
275
00:15:53,151 --> 00:15:56,205
Ab-so-lute-ly per-fect.
276
00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:00,460
? You've got to do
it yourself now. ?
277
00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:04,680
I love it. How do I
get from this to this?
278
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,382
You could always apply for a
promotion to the perfume counter.
279
00:16:08,395 --> 00:16:12,560
Minnie saw, um, Jimmy
Tarbuck in the London Palladium.
280
00:16:12,595 --> 00:16:15,997
Blimey. Do they get paid
loads more in perfume?
281
00:16:16,032 --> 00:16:19,336
Don't be a twerp, she
ain't got money for a ticket.
282
00:16:19,371 --> 00:16:22,640
Her gentleman friend
has. All the girls on perfume
283
00:16:22,675 --> 00:16:25,317
get taken to shows
by gentlemen friends.
284
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,960
You'd have no
trouble reeling one in.
285
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,205
Barb, darling, thanks
so much for this.
286
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:36,893
No problem.
287
00:16:36,899 --> 00:16:39,840
Need to pop to the - clinic for some clap cream.
- Yeah.
288
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,740
He looks like he
might be on the prowl.
289
00:16:45,775 --> 00:16:48,040
Go on, Barb darling,
give him an eyeful.
290
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:50,040
Right.
291
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,925
Do you know what
Marilyn Monroe said
292
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,824
when she was asked
what she - - wore in bed?
293
00:17:13,830 --> 00:17:15,200
- No.
- Chanel No. 5.
294
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,920
Oh! She'd have
got terrible chilblains
295
00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:19,960
on a nippy night in Norbreck.
296
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,605
Barbara. (GASPS)
297
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,200
I wasn't aware you'd
been transferred to parfum.
298
00:17:27,235 --> 00:17:30,760
Yep, temporarily. Millie
had to pop to the clinic.
299
00:17:30,795 --> 00:17:33,637
What for? Clap... ping.
300
00:17:33,672 --> 00:17:36,445
Clap, clap, clapping cream.
301
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,845
Er, she... she...
Ooh, she can't clap
302
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,080
because her hands are red
raw, a terrible affliction, can't clap.
303
00:17:42,115 --> 00:17:44,245
You were recommending this?
304
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:48,360
Yes. It's a lovely
eau de toilet.
305
00:17:48,395 --> 00:17:51,165
Toilette. That's the one.
306
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,360
Well, er, I'd like to
see how it smells.
307
00:17:54,395 --> 00:17:56,960
Of course. Allow me.
308
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,500
Hm. Hm.
309
00:18:09,535 --> 00:18:11,885
Hmmm!
310
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,820
Where's this Valentine
lord fella taking you then?
311
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:17,685
We're going to see Matt
Munro at the Talk Of The Town.
312
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:18,842
Ooh, fancy pants.
313
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:21,400
Next time, I'll ask
if he's got a friend.
314
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,885
What type do you fancy?
315
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,405
I like any type.
Get off! Get off!
316
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,720
(LAUGHS) What are
you gonna wear then?
317
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,685
Me smart dress.
318
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,760
Oh, nice, if you're
going to a funeral.
319
00:18:35,795 --> 00:18:38,600
Have you not got
anything sparkly?
320
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,520
Close your eyes.
321
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,885
Oh, my god! Where
did you get that?
322
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:56,360
It was me mum's, she loved a
bit of ballroom back in the day,
323
00:18:56,395 --> 00:18:58,845
so I'm told. What do you reckon?
324
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,800
You look like an explosion
at a tinsel factory. (LAUGHS)
325
00:19:02,835 --> 00:19:06,800
Oh! Well, what am
I gonna wear then?
326
00:19:06,835 --> 00:19:08,840
(SUCKS TEETH)
327
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,000
You leave this one to me.
328
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,600
Psst.
329
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,845
Hey! (GASPS)
330
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,365
What was in the other bag?
331
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,360
Diet pills, my dad sends them,
I usually flush 'em down the lav
332
00:19:58,395 --> 00:20:00,560
but, occasionally,
they come in handy.
333
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:07,725
? Downtown
334
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,920
? Things will be
great when you're
335
00:20:09,955 --> 00:20:11,885
? Downtown
336
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,840
? No finer place for sure
337
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:15,765
? Downtown
338
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:21,640
? Everything's waiting
for you ? Downtown
339
00:20:21,675 --> 00:20:25,525
? Downtown... (CHATTER)
340
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,080
? Downtown... Here ya go, love.
341
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,160
? Downtown, Downtown
342
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,400
? Downtown. ?
343
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,480
You look ravishing.
344
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,600
Campari and soda for the lady.
345
00:20:51,635 --> 00:20:53,605
Thanks.
346
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,440
Oh, do I drink it or gargle it?
347
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:01,140
Come here often, do
you? Well, let's just say
348
00:21:01,175 --> 00:21:03,885
I have the occasional
business rendezvous.
349
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,045
And what do you do after
you've done your business?
350
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:06,926
I beg your pardon?
351
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,680
Oh, sorry, that sounded
wrong. (LAUGHS)
352
00:21:08,715 --> 00:21:12,317
Um, I meant after the
show, do you go backstage
353
00:21:12,352 --> 00:21:15,885
and mingle with the
stars? Or have a cocktail?
354
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:20,760
Oh, don't you worry, I have
plans for us later.(LAUGHS)
355
00:21:20,795 --> 00:21:23,440
Valentine, is that you?
356
00:21:23,475 --> 00:21:25,400
Sidney.
357
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:30,960
And your lovely lady wife. Hello,
Audrey. What a nice surprise.
358
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,645
(CHUCKLES) Aren't
you going to introduce us?
359
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:40,520
Yes, this is Barbara, she's
my... A secretary in my office.
360
00:21:40,555 --> 00:21:43,125
Yeah, she's nuts
about Matt Munro,
361
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:47,360
and when a ticket unexpectedly
came up she jumped at the chance.
362
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:49,400
Hm!
363
00:21:49,406 --> 00:21:52,720
Well, Sidney, why don't we
get the ladies a proper drink
364
00:21:52,755 --> 00:21:55,920
and then we can discuss
business. Would you excuse us?
365
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,400
We've got a table.
366
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,360
You're welcome to my Campari,
Audrey, I haven't touched it.
367
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,280
No? I don't blame you. (LAUGHS)
It smells like toilet bleach.
368
00:22:16,315 --> 00:22:20,160
He may not be wearing a ring
but he is married, you know?
369
00:22:20,195 --> 00:22:22,240
Who? Sidney?
370
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:27,800
You know who I mean.
He's married to Joan.
371
00:22:27,835 --> 00:22:30,080
And they have two children.
372
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,120
But I don't expect your
sort care much about that.
373
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,560
What sort is that, exactly?
374
00:22:37,595 --> 00:22:39,840
A good-time girl.
375
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,520
Out for what she can get
from unsuspecting married men.
376
00:22:44,555 --> 00:22:47,320
Come along, ladies. Matt
Munro is about to begin.
377
00:22:47,355 --> 00:22:49,160
How's your wife, Valentine?
378
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,861
Um, she's a bit under
- the weather, actually.
379
00:22:53,867 --> 00:22:54,200
- Hm.
380
00:22:54,235 --> 00:22:57,005
I think I might have
caught what she's got,
381
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:00,120
a touch of having the wool
pulled over your eyes-itis.
382
00:23:00,155 --> 00:23:03,565
It was nice to meet you, Audrey.
383
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,240
Sidney. And, Valentine, send
my commiserations to Joan.
384
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,680
(CHATTER)
385
00:23:17,715 --> 00:23:19,965
(APPLAUSE)
386
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,520
Oh, you leaving
already? Don't ask.
387
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,760
I like your dress.
Borrowed from work.
388
00:23:29,795 --> 00:23:31,765
Turns out I needn't
have bothered.
389
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,285
Plus it's about as comfortable
as being sewn into a wind sock.
390
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,800
Bloody nightmare if you need a
wazz. (LAUGHS) The ladies is that way.
391
00:23:38,835 --> 00:23:42,280
Shout if you need help with
the zipper, I'll hold onto your coat.
392
00:23:42,315 --> 00:23:46,520
Soft, what light from
yonder window breaks.
393
00:23:46,555 --> 00:23:48,437
Oh, you can bugger off and all.
394
00:23:48,472 --> 00:23:50,285
Hey, you don't
remember me, do you?
395
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,520
We met at the first night of that
Arthur Askey film you were in.
396
00:23:53,555 --> 00:23:56,560
What a revelation.
I've not been in any film.
397
00:23:56,595 --> 00:23:59,845
Matt Monro! My
dear, I'm terribly sorry.
398
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,205
(LAUGHS) I could have
sworn you were Sabrina.
399
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,960
I'm not bloody Sabrina! And you
fellas might learn to tell us apart
400
00:24:05,995 --> 00:24:08,800
if you ever bothered to
look above a woman's neck.
401
00:24:08,835 --> 00:24:11,405
Might I buy you a drink
by way of apology?
402
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,601
You've got to be joking.
403
00:24:13,607 --> 00:24:17,440
I never joke, absolutely
no sense of humour.
404
00:24:17,475 --> 00:24:20,457
(LAUGHS) My name
is Brian Debenham.
405
00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:23,405
And this is my dear wife, Patsy.
406
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,334
Oh, I say, you are awfully
pretty, - Right up your street, Brian.
407
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:27,640
- Hm.
408
00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:30,285
Rather like Sabrina.
- She doesn't like to hear that. - Oh!
409
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:33,725
And I don't like it when men try
to pick me up while their wives
410
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:34,672
are watching!
411
00:24:34,678 --> 00:24:37,860
But we're not trying to
pick you up for kinky sex.
412
00:24:37,895 --> 00:24:41,960
No, my dear. What I've got planned
for you is much grubbier than that.
413
00:24:41,995 --> 00:24:44,720
(LAUGHS) Was it
something I said?
414
00:24:44,755 --> 00:24:46,840
Everything. Come on, Patsy.
415
00:24:46,875 --> 00:24:51,320
? For your sake I say
416
00:24:51,355 --> 00:24:53,360
? Walk away
417
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,240
? Just go
418
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,640
? Walk away and live
419
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,240
? A life that's full
420
00:25:07,275 --> 00:25:09,765
? With no regrets
421
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,480
? Don't look back at me
422
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,520
? Just try to forget
423
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:24,560
? Why build a dream...
424
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:30,440
Alone at last. We both
know what we're here for.
425
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,605
(WHIMPERS) What are you doing?
426
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,960
I'm gonna have what I
paid for. No! (DRESS RIPS)
427
00:25:35,995 --> 00:25:38,717
No! (CRIES)
428
00:25:38,752 --> 00:25:41,440
(CRIES) Ugh!
429
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,980
? Just run, run away
430
00:25:46,015 --> 00:25:49,040
? Mm-mm... Ugh!
431
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,040
Kick him in the cock!
432
00:25:53,075 --> 00:25:55,120
Ugh! Argh! Argh!
433
00:25:55,155 --> 00:25:56,565
Oh!
434
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,400
? My tears will fall
435
00:25:59,435 --> 00:26:02,577
? Now that you're gone
436
00:26:02,612 --> 00:26:05,720
? I can't help but cry
437
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,760
? But I must go on
438
00:26:12,795 --> 00:26:17,280
? I'm sad that I
439
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:22,480
? Have been searching so long
440
00:26:22,515 --> 00:26:25,557
? You, I love you
441
00:26:25,592 --> 00:26:28,600
? I love you. ?
442
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,685
(CLEARS THROAT)
443
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,840
Here, my business card.
444
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,965
We told you it was grubby.
445
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,205
Come and see me
in the office sometime.
446
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,640
There's a lot of
opportunity for a girl like you.
447
00:26:50,675 --> 00:26:52,440
(CHUCKLES)
448
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:58,320
Take a taxi home, darling. The
rain plays havoc with a hair piece.
449
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:16,960
(LAUGHS) Heavy night
on the Babycham, was it?
450
00:27:16,995 --> 00:27:19,277
How is our old pal, Valentine?
451
00:27:19,312 --> 00:27:21,560
Valentine was not a gentleman.
452
00:27:21,595 --> 00:27:23,605
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)
453
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,580
I think the word gentleman
in gentleman's friend
454
00:27:26,615 --> 00:27:29,520
is a bit like the word
public in public school.
455
00:27:29,555 --> 00:27:31,525
Probably should have warned you.
456
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,320
Those perfume fellas
just want it on a plate.
457
00:27:34,355 --> 00:27:36,400
Thought you'd know that.
458
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,400
Why, what's the matter?
You're not a virgin, are you?
459
00:27:41,435 --> 00:27:44,240
Are you? (LAUGHS) Shut up!
460
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,405
The point is, you
don't look like a virgin,
461
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,005
so you should probably
expect fellas to have a crack.
462
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:53,480
No, Marj, the point is, it's one
thing choosing to go with a fella,
463
00:27:53,515 --> 00:27:56,920
it's quite another thing when a
man thinks its his for the taking.
464
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,125
Right, well, come on missus,
465
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,325
get your clobber on,
we're late for work.
466
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:19,280
Actually, Marj, could you drop
the dress back with ladies' fashion,
467
00:28:19,315 --> 00:28:21,560
I'm not up to hats today.
468
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,160
(SIGHS)
469
00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,280
Sorry, I've only got enough coppers
for me weekly call with me dad.
470
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:50,925
He says patience is a virtue.
471
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,400
He's not the one that's
sitting in the freezing cold
472
00:28:53,435 --> 00:28:55,600
eating pilchards from a tin.
473
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,165
Perfect timing.
474
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:04,120
(RADIO ON) George,
look who's just dropped by
475
00:29:04,155 --> 00:29:07,117
with a lovely
bit of... tripe. Ha!
476
00:29:07,152 --> 00:29:10,045
Eh up, Mr Parker.
All right, Aiden.
477
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,005
Would you like a cuppa,
Aiden? Oh, I'd love one.
478
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:15,720
I'm absolutely parched.
George, where are your manners?
479
00:29:15,755 --> 00:29:18,920
Go and make Aiden a
nice cup of tea. No, wait.
480
00:29:18,955 --> 00:29:21,360
George? Oh!
481
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,805
(PHONE RINGS)
482
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,740
Barbara, it's me. Aiden!
What are you doing there?
483
00:29:28,775 --> 00:29:31,807
What are you doing there?
You've made your point,
484
00:29:31,842 --> 00:29:34,840
it's time to stop faffing
around and come home.
485
00:29:34,875 --> 00:29:38,565
Please, I need to
speak to me dad.
486
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,200
Here, here, there you
go. Give us the phone.
487
00:29:41,235 --> 00:29:43,680
Dad? Dad, are
you there? Barbara?
488
00:29:43,715 --> 00:29:45,685
Mayday, mayday!
489
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,760
Hey, how was Matt Munro?
490
00:29:47,795 --> 00:29:50,177
Er, Dad...
491
00:29:50,212 --> 00:29:52,560
(BEEPING)
492
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,680
Are you all right, love? Um...
493
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,560
Remember, love, if at first you
don't succeed, come home and have...
494
00:30:00,595 --> 00:30:02,600
(BEEPING)
495
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,640
(DISCONNECTED TONE) No!
496
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:14,200
? Pretend you're
happy when you're blue
497
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:20,240
? It isn't very hard to do
498
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:27,160
? And you'll find
happiness without an end
499
00:30:27,195 --> 00:30:32,960
? Whenever you pretend
500
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:39,480
? Remember anyone can dream
501
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:46,360
? And nothing's as
bad as it may seem. ?
502
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,320
I don't think we were
properly introduced.
503
00:30:50,355 --> 00:30:52,765
I'm Barbara Parker.
504
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,760
Why are you here,
Barbara Parker?
505
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,360
You gave me your business card.
506
00:30:59,395 --> 00:31:01,977
No, I mean here in London.
507
00:31:02,012 --> 00:31:04,525
Tell me all about yourself?
508
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:09,485
Hm? Oh! Um, I was
born in Blackpool.
509
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:14,760
- Hmm!
- And I came to London to be... someone.
510
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:17,880
Anyone in particular?
511
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,765
Are you tired?
Listless? Run down?
512
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:25,480
Do you poop out at parties? Are you
unpopular? Then try Vitavigavegivat.
513
00:31:25,515 --> 00:31:27,485
Goodness gracious me.
514
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,205
Do you not know Lucille Ball?
515
00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:34,840
What on earth has dear
Lucille got to do with anything?
516
00:31:34,875 --> 00:31:40,325
Wonderful legs, of
course, but, unfortunately,
517
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:44,880
she was forced to make
faces in order to pay the rent.
518
00:31:44,915 --> 00:31:49,400
No. You, you have something
different.(CLEARS THROAT)
519
00:31:49,435 --> 00:31:53,925
You have star quality.
520
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,160
Hm!(CHUCKLES)
Would you like an egg?
521
00:31:57,195 --> 00:31:59,525
No, thank you.
522
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:04,080
Um, are you the agent of
all these famous people?
523
00:32:04,115 --> 00:32:07,537
Many have sat
where you are sitting
524
00:32:07,572 --> 00:32:11,206
at some point in their careers.
525
00:32:11,241 --> 00:32:14,840
And the others I, er... (SNIFFS)
526
00:32:14,875 --> 00:32:17,757
...pin up for inspiration.
527
00:32:17,792 --> 00:32:20,605
So, let's get cracking.
528
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:25,880
(LAUGHS) We don't want the
bloom to go off the rose, do we, er,
529
00:32:25,915 --> 00:32:28,165
Barbara?
530
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:30,840
Any relevant experience?
531
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,205
Me dad says I'm
good at doing voices.
532
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,240
Well, we'll be sure to put
that on your curriculum vita.
533
00:32:37,275 --> 00:32:40,160
No experience at all.
534
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,120
Not unless you count
being Miss Blackpool Belle.
535
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:49,805
Miss Blackpool Belle?
Well, now you're talking.
536
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:54,160
That is something I can work
with. Hm, local beauty queen,
537
00:32:54,195 --> 00:32:57,205
our very own
Cinderella. I love it.
538
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,440
So, can I give up me
job at Lewis Peters?
539
00:33:00,475 --> 00:33:03,320
Well, let's not do
anything rash...
540
00:33:03,355 --> 00:33:05,005
(LAUGHS).. Barbara.
541
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,680
Barbara, what did you
say your name was?
542
00:33:07,715 --> 00:33:10,240
Parker. Barbara Parker.
543
00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:16,560
Barbara is ever so
slightly provincial, hm?
544
00:33:16,595 --> 00:33:19,445
What do you think of Sophie?
545
00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:22,560
Do I know her? No, I
mean the name Sophie.
546
00:33:22,595 --> 00:33:27,165
How about Sophie Straw? Hm?
547
00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:32,040
It's modern, it's
fresh, it's alliterative.
548
00:33:32,075 --> 00:33:34,520
Hm! It's like Sandy Shaw.
549
00:33:34,555 --> 00:33:36,525
Sophie Straw?
550
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,245
It sounds like a
type of animal feed.
551
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:43,805
Precisely. If even I, a
happily married man,
552
00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:47,440
deeply in love with his
wife, ends up thinking about
553
00:33:47,475 --> 00:33:49,565
rolls in the hay
with Sophie Straw,
554
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:53,760
imagine what all the unhappily
married men will feel like?
555
00:33:53,795 --> 00:33:57,560
Rolls in the hay? Well,
figuratively speaking.
556
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:05,680
I'll be Sophie, I suppose, if
you think it will help me get a job.
557
00:34:05,715 --> 00:34:09,597
Wonderful news. To that
end, I'll ask Patsy, my wife,
558
00:34:09,632 --> 00:34:13,480
to go out shopping with you
for a lovely gingham bikini.
559
00:34:13,515 --> 00:34:15,897
- Bikini?
- Hm. It's coming on winter.
560
00:34:15,932 --> 00:34:18,186
Yeah, you can wear
it for your auditions,
561
00:34:18,221 --> 00:34:20,630
so that everyone can
see your lovely shape.
562
00:34:20,665 --> 00:34:23,040
If I wanted to shimmy
about in me swimmers,
563
00:34:23,075 --> 00:34:24,845
I could have
stayed in Blackpool.
564
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:28,200
Are you telling me you
actually want to act?
565
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:32,845
Oh, well, hm! That's it.
566
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:37,040
Well, we'll send you out on
some auditions, with words,
567
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:40,080
and we'll call
it a trial period.
568
00:34:40,115 --> 00:34:43,640
A trial period, no bikinis.
569
00:34:43,675 --> 00:34:45,805
Yet.
570
00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:48,400
Ever. (LAUGHS)
571
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,560
Oh, Pats, will you get
me the toast, please?
572
00:34:52,595 --> 00:34:54,480
Of course, darling,
butter on both sides?
573
00:34:54,515 --> 00:34:56,400
? I can't sit still
574
00:34:57,200 --> 00:35:00,440
? With the hippy hippy shakes
575
00:35:00,475 --> 00:35:03,757
? Yeah, I get my fill now
576
00:35:03,792 --> 00:35:07,005
? With the hippy hippy shakes
577
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,040
? Yeah, it's in the bag. ?
Fancy a cuppa?
578
00:35:10,075 --> 00:35:13,417
I've got news. Oh,
I've got news too.
579
00:35:13,452 --> 00:35:16,126
Shall I go first or...?
You got the sack.
580
00:35:16,161 --> 00:35:18,800
Sykesy told me to
give you that letter
581
00:35:18,835 --> 00:35:20,840
and tell you not to come back.
582
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,485
How did she know
about the dress?
583
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,725
She saw it. Apparently,
when they took it out the bag
584
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:33,600
in ladies' fashion, it was so
crispy that it stood up on its own.
585
00:35:33,635 --> 00:35:36,845
Did you get in trouble? No.
586
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:40,125
Sykesy gave a talking
to all the girls in perfume,
587
00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,440
make-up and fashion
about loose - morals.
588
00:35:42,446 --> 00:35:43,840
- Oh, god! This is awful.
589
00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:46,317
I know, she didn't
bother with us in shoes
590
00:35:46,352 --> 00:35:48,760
cos, apparently,
we're not at risk. Rude.
591
00:35:48,795 --> 00:35:50,765
Well, in that case,
592
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:54,440
it's just as well that I got
myself a theatrical agent.
593
00:35:54,475 --> 00:35:56,480
(LAUGHS)
594
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:01,925
Whoo!
595
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:06,565
It's a brand-new farce
called Move Over, Madam,
596
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:11,000
and your character is a flighty
young debutante whom the male lead,
597
00:36:11,035 --> 00:36:12,685
Nigel, is keen to tup.
598
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:15,320
He is, of course,
prevented from doing so
599
00:36:15,355 --> 00:36:18,040
by his shrewish hag of a wife.
600
00:36:18,075 --> 00:36:20,960
Page 23, scene four.
601
00:36:20,995 --> 00:36:23,445
And action!
602
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:28,340
For extra penetration,
wash your whites in Ripples.
603
00:36:28,375 --> 00:36:33,200
Mm! Ripples, for when
things get really filthy.
604
00:36:33,235 --> 00:36:36,377
No, Nigel! We can't do it here!
605
00:36:36,412 --> 00:36:39,206
Not with your
wife upstairs. Stop!
606
00:36:39,241 --> 00:36:41,900
Her shape's all
wrong for our brand.
607
00:36:41,935 --> 00:36:44,560
I'm sorry, not
this time, darling.
608
00:36:44,595 --> 00:36:46,800
Are you trying something?
609
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:51,640
What? What do you mean am...?
I mean, that there, the accent.
610
00:36:51,675 --> 00:36:55,480
It's not an accent,
it's how I talk.
611
00:36:55,515 --> 00:36:57,760
Oh, dear.
612
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,880
Hiya.
613
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:12,360
Maybe you
shouldn't try for that.
614
00:37:12,395 --> 00:37:16,080
? If you should lose me
615
00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:19,205
? Oh, yeah
616
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:22,200
? You'll lose a good thing
617
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:30,720
? If you should lose me
618
00:37:30,755 --> 00:37:32,805
? Oh, yeah
619
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:35,605
? You'll lose a good thing. ?
620
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:40,840
I'm either the wrong type,
wrong shape, or just plain wrong.
621
00:37:40,875 --> 00:37:43,565
Perhaps our accent
is holding us back?
622
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,640
I thought kitchen-sink
drama was all the rage.
623
00:37:46,675 --> 00:37:49,325
For angry young men, dear.
624
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,560
Nobody wants an angry young woman
to come romping around the stage
625
00:37:52,595 --> 00:37:55,205
beating her breasts
like an orangutan.
626
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:58,760
I can't help feeling we've
rather run out of options
627
00:37:58,795 --> 00:38:02,837
on the, er, speaking part front.
628
00:38:02,872 --> 00:38:06,880
(PATSY TALKS ON
PHONE INDISTINCTLY)
629
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:11,605
Go to this address,
tell them I sent you.
630
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:16,400
And if you don't get this part,
I'm afraid our trial period is over.
631
00:38:16,435 --> 00:38:19,920
I'd rather be cleaning toilets.
632
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:25,080
There is a call about who you
sent for casting in The Dining In.
633
00:38:25,115 --> 00:38:27,120
Not a happy bunny.
634
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,685
And a very good
morning to you too, Beryl.
635
00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:33,269
"Why did you send to the
casting of the role of the virgin bride
636
00:38:33,275 --> 00:38:36,645
"an actress who is five
months pregnant?"Oh!
637
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,120
"I have ceased with your
services forever, Brian. "
638
00:38:39,155 --> 00:38:43,237
I'm sorry you feel that
way. (INDISTINCT) Oh!
639
00:38:43,272 --> 00:38:47,320
(SIGHS) It's just a silly
old comedy playhouse,
640
00:38:47,355 --> 00:38:50,240
no money to be
made there, darling.
641
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:55,040
Comedy playhouse? Comedy shit-house.
- Pardon my French. - Comedy playhouse?
642
00:38:55,075 --> 00:38:57,565
I'd love to do one
of those. (LAUGHS)
643
00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:00,240
Well, why didn't I think
of that, eh? Look at this,
644
00:39:00,275 --> 00:39:03,525
Cicely is well spoken,
petite, brunette,
645
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:07,205
the varsity-educated daughter
of a fucking clergyman!
646
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:11,360
Of course, you're perfect casting!
Deep breath, deep breath, darling.
647
00:39:11,395 --> 00:39:12,711
Shall I loosen this?
648
00:39:12,717 --> 00:39:15,480
Yes. I've spent my
whole life being helpful.
649
00:39:15,515 --> 00:39:19,880
(MUSIC PLAYS).. written by
Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner,
650
00:39:19,915 --> 00:39:22,320
directed and produced
by Dennis Mohindra.
651
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:54,080
Thank you so much. Marvellous
work as always. We'll be in touch.
652
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:57,607
Oh, could you show - Marcie out, please?
- Of course.
653
00:39:57,635 --> 00:40:00,057
We can catch up on
all the theatre gossip.
654
00:40:00,092 --> 00:40:02,746
I hear there's been
much ado about nothing
655
00:40:02,781 --> 00:40:05,400
over Richard Burton's
Hamlet. (LAUGHS)
656
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,120
Hello? - Oh! My goodness!
- Oh!
657
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:25,840
Um...
658
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:30,960
Sorry. I'll give you a
hand. No, sorry. Yes.
659
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,365
I haven't missed it,
have I? The audition?
660
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:40,080
I just saw Beryl in the corridor
and she said to get a wriggle on.
661
00:40:40,115 --> 00:40:42,445
Beryl said that?
662
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:44,565
Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry, Miss...
663
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,160
Um... Sorry. We weren't,
um, expecting anyone else.
664
00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:52,920
My agent definitely arranged
for me to meet you at 20 past.
665
00:40:52,955 --> 00:40:55,280
Er, Beryl said to
start without her.
666
00:40:55,315 --> 00:40:57,405
I'm Sophie Straw.
667
00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:02,680
Er, Dennis. Dennis Mohindra.
(GASPS) Mr Mohindra!
668
00:41:02,715 --> 00:41:05,400
I've listened to every
single Awkward Squad,
669
00:41:05,435 --> 00:41:09,440
it's the best thing
since... sausages.
670
00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:13,989
Sorry, I don't even
know what - that means.
671
00:41:13,995 --> 00:41:15,600
- Nice, well, thank you.
672
00:41:15,635 --> 00:41:19,960
(LAUGHS) Could you
give me just one moment?
673
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:31,445
Um, apparently, there's
one more young lady for us.
674
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:35,080
Oh, Jesus, seriously? I thought
we all decided on Marcia Bell.
675
00:41:35,115 --> 00:41:37,485
You might have decided on
Marcia Bell on the basis that
676
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:38,532
you want to fuck her.
677
00:41:38,538 --> 00:41:40,440
Oh, that ship's
already sailed, actually.
678
00:41:40,475 --> 00:41:42,685
But we haven't
decided, right, Tony?
679
00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:45,720
Well, she looks right for the part,
she's a very good classical actress
680
00:41:45,755 --> 00:41:48,520
- but is she funny?
- Er, no. She doesn't have to be funny.
681
00:41:48,555 --> 00:41:50,885
I'm funny. The script's
funny... in places.
682
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:53,520
Oh, steady on, Clive, you almost
gave the writers a compliment.
683
00:41:53,555 --> 00:41:56,697
In that case, I take it back.
Fascinating as this discussion is,
684
00:41:56,732 --> 00:41:59,840
can we hear the young lady read,
we've got to be out of here by 6pm.
685
00:41:59,875 --> 00:42:01,605
Well, bring her in,
surely she can't be
686
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:04,720
more wrong for the part
than the other 20 we've seen.
687
00:42:04,755 --> 00:42:08,645
Hi, everyone. (LAUGHS)
688
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,205
So sorry, Miss
Straw. Er, please.
689
00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:14,125
I'm joking, apologies.
For some stupid reason,
690
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:18,560
I imagined Cicely as the
well-educated, upper class,
691
00:42:18,595 --> 00:42:20,525
petite, brunette
daughter of a vicar.
692
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:22,965
I am brunette, honest.
Under the peroxide.
693
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,780
I know I don't look like
how you imagine Cicely
694
00:42:25,815 --> 00:42:28,525
but you lot don't look
like how I imagined.
695
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,240
I thought you'd all be
tweedy posh lads with pipes.
696
00:42:31,275 --> 00:42:33,845
You're Clive, aren't you?
697
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:38,160
Yes, you've seen me on the
stage. Did you catch his Coriolanus?
698
00:42:38,195 --> 00:42:40,765
No, I had the vaccine. (LAUGHS)
699
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:44,600
Sorry. No I just... I recognised
his voice from the Awkward Squad.
700
00:42:44,635 --> 00:42:47,725
Captain Smythe. Described
by one critic as having
701
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,380
the most irritating voice since
Peter Sellers played Bluebottle.
702
00:42:51,415 --> 00:42:55,000
And he's not even putting it on.
- Hmm! - Are you Bill or Tony?
703
00:42:55,035 --> 00:42:58,537
I'm Bill. That's got to be a
first. Usually nobody knows
704
00:42:58,572 --> 00:43:02,005
the writers' names until
they've read their obituary.
705
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:06,040
A- hem! Er, chaps, shall we
push on and let Miss Straw read?
706
00:43:06,075 --> 00:43:10,040
Yes, do let's hear her read.
What have you prepared?
707
00:43:10,075 --> 00:43:14,160
Prepared? Well, I
didn't really have time.
708
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:25,965
(IMITATES TRUMPET PLAYING)
709
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:30,200
The Awkward Squad was written
by Bill Gardiner, Tony Holmes
710
00:43:30,235 --> 00:43:34,057
and produced by Dennis Mohindra.
711
00:43:34,092 --> 00:43:37,880
Sparky was played
by Frank Hector.
712
00:43:37,915 --> 00:43:40,165
And... Ooh!
713
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:44,320
Private Private was played by...
(GIGGLES).. somebody private.
714
00:43:44,355 --> 00:43:48,357
And... (GASPS).. Captain Smythe
715
00:43:48,392 --> 00:43:52,360
was played by Clive Richardson!
716
00:43:52,395 --> 00:43:54,520
What the...?
717
00:43:56,880 --> 00:44:01,000
Ah, Beryl, perfect timing. We
were just auditioning Sophie.
718
00:44:01,035 --> 00:44:03,605
Who? Sophie Straw.
719
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:06,600
Spoke to her in the corridor?
I gather she's on your list?
720
00:44:06,635 --> 00:44:08,645
She most certainly is not.
721
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:12,885
We've never met.
Sophie, I thought you said...
722
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,680
Yeah, I rather think you've
been made a fool of, Dennis.
723
00:44:15,715 --> 00:44:19,240
As if we'd ever cast
someone like her.
724
00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:26,520
Sophie. Er, please, let me.
725
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:29,600
Thank you.
726
00:44:57,680 --> 00:45:00,560
(MUSIC PLAYS)
727
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:06,320
(CHATTER AND WHISTLING)
728
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:17,000
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk
729
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:22,760
? I've got some
troubles but they won't last
730
00:45:22,795 --> 00:45:26,737
? I'm gonna lay right
down here in the grass
731
00:45:26,772 --> 00:45:30,680
? And pretty soon
all my troubles will pass
732
00:45:30,715 --> 00:45:33,240
? Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo
733
00:45:33,275 --> 00:45:35,605
? Shoo-shoo-shoo
734
00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,600
? Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo,
shoo-shoo Sugar Town. ?
735
00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:48,560
You wanna be an actress? Aye
think aye left may hombug hair?
736
00:45:48,595 --> 00:45:52,600
My future lies in one man's
hands. Good looks and comic ability
737
00:45:52,635 --> 00:45:54,845
rarely go hand in hand.
738
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,060
You've got the job.
(SHOUTING IN DELIGHT)
739
00:45:57,095 --> 00:45:59,240
I wasn't sure about
'em kissing and cuddling.
740
00:45:59,275 --> 00:46:00,485
It's modern.
741
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,605
Chemistry's
particularly good tonight.
742
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:05,880
Don't let anyone tell you you
can't do what you want to do.
743
00:46:05,915 --> 00:46:09,617
It's up to me what you say
and when you get to say it.
744
00:46:09,652 --> 00:46:13,320
Times are changing. Get
with it, or get out of my way.
745
00:46:13,355 --> 00:46:15,080
Sorry I let you down.
746
00:46:15,130 --> 00:46:19,680
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