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1
00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:03,462
[Horns honk]
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:06,548
- Hey, Jack.
- Congratulations, Lemon.
3
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,966
I see you read my memo
4
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,978
about having more
catchphrases on your show.
5
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,930
- What catchphrases?
Oh, are you talking about...
6
00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:15,102
[Brooklyn accent]
- If your man leaves in boxers
7
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,350
and comes home in briefs,
8
00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:19,520
that's a deal breaker, ladies.
9
00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:22,689
If he wears an
Atlanta falcons Jersey
10
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,233
to your sister's wedding...
11
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,486
- [Imitating Jenna] "That's
a deal breaker, ladies."
12
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:28,880
This is gonna be huge for Jenna.
13
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:30,864
- And for me, 'cause
I wrote that phrase.
14
00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,741
- If you say so, Lemon.
15
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,619
- Jack, is this really what
you wanted to talk about?
16
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,746
- What else is there to discuss?
17
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,289
- Oh, really?
18
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,017
You're gonna do the
repressed Irish thing?
19
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,252
Be Italian for like one second.
20
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,671
I'm-a Jack. I don't
know who my father is.
21
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,757
I'm-a so emotional, I'm
gonna smash these barrels!
22
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,760
- We're not discussing that
because I've made a decision.
23
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,804
I don't wanna know
who my real father is.
24
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,096
- Are you kidding? Why?
25
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,945
- You know what family
means to me, Lemon?
26
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,309
Resentment, guilt, anger...
27
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,687
Easter egg hunts that
turn into knife fights.
28
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,690
Why would I wanna invite
more of it into my life?
29
00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:06,858
Why would I want more family?
30
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,944
- Because maybe he's awesome.
31
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,405
Look, why don't you just
ask your mother who it is.
32
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:12,697
- No, no. Not Colleen.
33
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,659
She had her reasons for
keeping this from me for 50 years,
34
00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:17,271
and I don't want
her to relive it.
35
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,704
Also, I want
something really juicy
36
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,706
to whisper to her
on her deathbed.
37
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,708
- Look, Jack, I don't have
38
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,668
a lot of personal
life experience,
39
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,589
but if I have learned
anything from my sims family...
40
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,674
When a child doesn't
see his father enough,
41
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:33,010
he starts to jump up and down,
42
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,721
and then his mood
level will drop...
43
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:38,181
Until he pees himself.
44
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,563
- Why don't I have
any other friends?
45
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:47,524
[Exciting jazz music]
46
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:55,699
♪ ♪
47
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,545
- Come on in, Jack,
I'm just practicing sitting.
48
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,919
- Tracy, why did you
never try to find your father?
49
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,005
- Because he's dead.
- How do you know that?
50
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,257
- Because I'm rich, and
if that man was alive,
51
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,009
he'd be living in my pool house,
52
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,054
and I'd be paying him
$200,000 a year to mow my lawn.
53
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,431
- Exactly. That's all
family is... a drain.
54
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:22,100
- I feel like you're not
tellin' me something, Jack.
55
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:25,020
Let me guess... you bought
a sidecar for your motorcycle,
56
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,064
and your dog won't stay in it.
57
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,565
- No, Tracy.
58
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,497
I found out I don't
know who my father is,
59
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,003
and I'm not sure I
ever wanna know.
60
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,655
- Why? Jack, every man
should know his father.
61
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:37,240
- That's easy for you to say.
- No, it wasn't.
62
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,076
I struggled through
that sentence.
63
00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:40,768
But I'm know what
I'm talkin' about.
64
00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:42,245
Because not long ago...
65
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:44,581
A son I didn't know
about found me.
66
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:45,499
- [Gasps] What?
67
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:48,085
- My love child tracked me down.
68
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:52,589
I was shocked, scared,
angry, like a dog in a sidecar
69
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,441
when it comes loose
from the motorcycle.
70
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:55,967
But it turned out to be
71
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,139
one of the best things
that ever happened to me.
72
00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,303
- Huh.
73
00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:01,014
Thanks, Tracy.
74
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:02,825
- And you know who
else loves deal breaker?
75
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:03,975
Bret Michaels.
76
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,352
We have the same publicist,
77
00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:07,020
and she said he'd
love to come here
78
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:08,498
and dress in the same
outfit and do it with me.
79
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,962
And also, he wants
to be on the show.
80
00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,712
- You know, they
used that catchphrase
81
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,110
on sportscenter last night.
82
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,903
- Rangers on the power play.
83
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,155
Oh, Avery! That's a
deal breaker, ladies.
84
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,282
- [Laughs] This is it!
85
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,201
This is the defining
thing of my life!
86
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,953
It's not gonna be
that hit and run!
87
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,245
- Jenna, calm down.
88
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,247
- Oh, Liz, try to imagine
how excited you would be
89
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:27,975
if something of
yours blew up like this.
90
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,669
- This is mine, Jenna. I
wrote it for you, remember?
91
00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:33,463
- Right! It's ours. That's
what I meant to say.
92
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,215
There's a reason
you're the writer.
93
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,467
[Giggling]
94
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:40,053
- Everybody, gather
up. Actor announcement.
95
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,681
- No... human announcement.
96
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:45,213
There's something I want
you all to hear directly from me
97
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,108
before you read about
it in next month's issue
98
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,980
of black entrepreneur
and butts magazine.
99
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,815
I have a illegitimate son.
100
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:54,109
- [Gasps]
- Oh! Feigned surprise.
101
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,641
- Obviously, my family and I
wanted to keep this private,
102
00:03:56,778 --> 00:04:00,407
but somehow, those vultures
in the media found out about it.
103
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:01,992
Like a dog in the sidecar
104
00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:03,994
when it comes loose
from the motorcycle.
105
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:04,786
But it turned out to be
106
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,997
one of the best things
that ever happened to me.
107
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,875
- Huh. Thanks, Tracy.
108
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,505
- So... should we
continue our interview?
109
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,507
- Oh, no!
110
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,218
Now, I didn't know about this
boy up until three years ago.
111
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,138
But I've been supporting
him financially ever since.
112
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,432
And I want you all to meet him.
- He's here?
113
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,350
- I want you bastards
to meet my bastard.
114
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:30,061
My baby boy, Donald Jordan.
115
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,064
- Hey, how's it goin', y'all?
116
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,442
Pop, can I have $1,000
for something I need?
117
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:39,946
- Well, as long as it's
for something you need.
118
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:43,742
I love you, man.
- I love you, daddy.
119
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,083
- Oh, len, come in.
120
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,085
- Thanks for meeting me here.
121
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,546
- This is my office.
- I know.
122
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,341
But once I'm in the building,
I can get into the cafeteria,
123
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,218
and that means free ice.
124
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,638
- Right. So what did
you dig up for me?
125
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,407
- Well, I was surprised
when you called me
126
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:07,471
about finding your father.
127
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:10,143
Especially since you
called on the old home line.
128
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,646
Hasn't been ringing
much since marcia left.
129
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,272
I guess in the
divorce settlement,
130
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,441
she got all our friends.
131
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:17,794
I gave my gun to my pastor.
132
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,403
You know, in case I get
the old gloomies again.
133
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:24,407
- So do you have
anything for me, len?
134
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,576
- Your father's name
and contact information
135
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,830
is in this envelope.
136
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:33,375
I'm sorry. I'll give
ya some privacy.
137
00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:42,050
[Dramatic jazzy music]
138
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,971
- Oh, god.
139
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,098
- There's no way
that's Tracy's son, right?
140
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:49,390
That guy is scamming him!
141
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:50,868
- May be. Donald
did look pretty old.
142
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,143
- I know.
143
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:55,564
But I do have a hard time
telling ages with black...
144
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:59,317
Shoes are the
best kind of shoes.
145
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:00,902
- How old do you think I am?
146
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,529
- 25.
- 50.
147
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,239
- I am 33.
148
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,449
How old do you think
Samuel L. Jackson is?
149
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,577
- 50.
- 25.
150
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,453
- Mr. Jackson is 61.
151
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,206
- Wow! Okay, what about this?
152
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,668
Maybe Donald's is Tracy's
son because maybe Tracy is 60.
153
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,563
- No. That's ridiculous.
- Think about it.
154
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:19,921
- He can't rap. He has diabetes.
155
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,548
A lot of his friends are dead.
156
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:22,465
- He falls asleep in chairs.
157
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,068
He doesn't know how
to use a computer.
158
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,012
He's always mad at the TV!
- His favorite show is NCIS.
159
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,389
- He might be 70!
- Or he's getting scammed.
160
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:30,682
- Lemon.
161
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,559
[Snapping]
162
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:34,895
- I don't get it. There's
three names on here.
163
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:37,188
- Without hard DNA evidence,
164
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,360
len was only able to
narrow my father's identity
165
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:40,649
down to these three men.
166
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:43,236
- Mamma Mia! It's a mamma Mia!
167
00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,196
- What?
- Nothing!
168
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:46,632
Don't push it,
Liz. Let it happen.
169
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:47,816
There's gonna be a mamma Mia!
170
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:48,948
- See what happens, Lemon?
171
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,286
See how complicated
family always is?
172
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,680
What am I supposed to
do, fly around the country
173
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,424
trying to figure out
which one is my father?
174
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,664
- They could come to you.
175
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,230
We could trick them
into coming here,
176
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,728
and then we'll sing on the dock!
177
00:06:58,752 --> 00:06:59,854
- What are you talking about?
178
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,546
- It's mamma Mia!
179
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,299
The international
film songsation?
180
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,636
Based on the jukebox
musical? The songs of abba?
181
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,262
It's a movie, Jack!
182
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,181
Should we just
watch it real quick?
183
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,242
- This was too much trouble
when it was just one person.
184
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,559
I'm out.
- No, it's perfect!
185
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,519
We mamma Mia these guys.
186
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,438
We get them here
under some pretense,
187
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,190
figure out which
one is your dad,
188
00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:22,501
and then if it's someone
you don't want in your life,
189
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,525
you walk away.
190
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:24,754
- How do we even get them here?
191
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,363
- They won a contest...
192
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,323
A trip to New York
and tickets to TGS.
193
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,909
- All right... you
get them here.
194
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:34,120
I'll meet with them. But
that's all I'm promising.
195
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:35,412
- And all I'm promising
196
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,098
is a madcap musical
romp, Dot, Dot, Dot,
197
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:39,167
fun, Dot, Dot, Dot.
198
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,919
Good!
199
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,254
That was on the poster.
200
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,012
- Why won't this stupid
gizmo do what I want?
201
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,224
I'm gonna miss
the lotto drawing.
202
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,353
- Ahem. Hey, Tracy...
203
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,480
You're 39, right?
204
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,166
- Of course. Why
would I lie about my age?
205
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,566
I'm in the
entertainment industry.
206
00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,098
- Right. Hey, you know, Liz
and I were just talking about
207
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,071
that old Rob base
song... It takes two.
208
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:12,033
- Yeah, everybody our
age knows that song, right?
209
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,994
♪ Ladies love me,
girls adore me ♪
210
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:15,885
♪ I mean even the ones
who never saw me ♪
211
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,848
[Together] ♪ like the way
that I rhyme at a show ♪
212
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,225
♪ the reason why,
man, I don't know ♪
213
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,375
♪ so let's go, 'cause ♪
214
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:21,727
- [Falsetto] ♪ it takes two ♪
215
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,128
♪ to make a thing go right ♪
216
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:26,673
♪ it takes two to
make it outta sight ♪
217
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,509
- Not familiar. But
what about this song?
218
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,637
♪ Gee, it's great
after being out late ♪
219
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,431
♪ walkin' my baby back... ♪
220
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,641
- How old are you?
- 39.
221
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,854
- Well, if you're 39, how
old do you think Donald is?
222
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:44,107
> I'm 21, right, dad?
- Yes, you are, son.
223
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:45,626
That's what that
birth certificate
224
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,028
you printed out for me said.
225
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,697
- Hey, you got
that check for me?
226
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,629
- Of course... and I
left the amount blank
227
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:53,741
just like you asked.
228
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,577
Donald's openin' a dojo.
229
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,120
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
230
00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,957
I'm-a teach karate
and whatnot to kids...
231
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,542
Or whatever.
232
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,961
Startin' a small
business is expensive!
233
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:09,299
- I bet it is.
- Hey, remember this song?
234
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,927
♪ If e'er a fair maiden a
Knight chanced to see ♪
235
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:16,931
- ♪ astride his
fair steed to spy ♪
236
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,492
Miss Lemon, the
contest winners are here.
237
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:21,978
- [Gasps] My three dads!
238
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:23,646
[Knocking]
239
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,649
- Are you ready to meet them?
- [Whispers] Yeah.
240
00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:31,154
- Jack, this is George park.
241
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:32,906
He's Korean.
242
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,324
- Oh! Okay.
243
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,951
Welcome, Mr. Park.
244
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,661
- And, uh, this is Fred o'dwyer.
245
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,233
Mr. O'dwyer, tell Jack the story
246
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:41,777
you were telling
in the elevator.
247
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:42,999
- In world war ll,
248
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,043
a kraut grenade
exploded my genitals.
249
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,335
[Mouthing "pop"]
250
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:49,297
- Oh. So... no children, right?
251
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:50,673
- No chance.
252
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:54,928
Looks like a bowl of
spaghettios down there.
253
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:55,887
[Mouthing words]
254
00:09:56,179 --> 00:10:00,934
- And Jack, this is
professor Milton Greene.
255
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,393
- Nice to meet you.
256
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,622
- [Husky Jack voice] And
it's nice to meet you, Jack.
257
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,272
[Clearing throat]
258
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,459
[Normal voice] Sorry. There
was something in my throat.
259
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,360
I'm Milton Greene.
260
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,362
- Have a seat.
261
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,073
[Mouthing words]
262
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:20,537
- Oh, Jenna has a photo
shoot for time out magazine.
263
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,205
- For what?
- Um... nothing.
264
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,617
They're gonna name her the
funniest woman in New York.
265
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,893
- Oh. What time do
they need me there
266
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,377
to make her seem funny?
267
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,963
- Look, I know you're upset,
but Jenna fully acknowledges
268
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,215
that you write the deal
breaker sketches together.
269
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,217
- Yeah, we write them together.
270
00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:37,053
She texts her gay friends while
I write till 4:00 in the morning
271
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,973
eating dry fistfuls of
raisin bran to stay awake.
272
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,265
Which, by the way,
273
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,631
is how I'm able to ride the
fart train to work every day.
274
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,520
- Liz... hey.
275
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,063
This is your job.
276
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,232
This is what you signed up for.
277
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,359
- I know.
278
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,712
I like it when you use your
calm, reasonable dad voice.
279
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,990
That's the voice you should
use when you tell Jenna
280
00:10:57,282 --> 00:11:00,410
that I'm gonna be in
that magazine with her.
281
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:03,705
- I'm-a save this for later.
282
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,415
- Look at that scammer.
283
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:09,544
What 21 -year-old
wraps up half a muffin?
284
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,254
- Hey...
285
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:12,589
Kenny.
286
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,258
- Well, hello, stranger.
287
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,469
- Do you like magazines?
- I sure like s&m magazines.
288
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:22,056
S&m is my abbreviation
for super and magical.
289
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,558
- [Chuckles] Yeah, well,
290
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,602
I'm selling magazine
subscriptions
291
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,521
to benefit the, uh,
community center.
292
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,107
How many you want?
- Four?
293
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,402
- Great! That's like... $80!
294
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,366
- I'm-a get your
address from my daddy.
295
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,453
- Oh, instead of doing
it now. Good plan!
296
00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,413
- We gotta stop that guy.
297
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,391
How can we prove to
Tracy that Donald's lying?
298
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,583
- Well, I've asked Cerie
299
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,561
to look into getting a
copy of his birth certificate.
300
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,604
- No. You can't get someone
else's birth certificate.
301
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,296
I know, because I've
been trying to steal
302
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,668
my dead neighbor's identity
303
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:55,900
because sometimes
it feels like too much,
304
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,635
and maybe daddy just needs
to get in the car and drive.
305
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,261
- We gotta catch
Donald in a lie.
306
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,697
What else do we know about him?
307
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,431
- Well, he claims
to know karate.
308
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,058
- That's gotta be bogus.
309
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,286
But how do you test
someone's knowledge of karate?
310
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,479
- I know karate.
311
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,196
- Um, so gentlemen,
312
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,608
is there any history of
mental illness in your family?
313
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,533
- [Laughs] Oh,
don't get me started.
314
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,578
My cousin killed
everyone at his job.
315
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,372
- How 'bout you, Milton?
316
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,624
- No, no, the Greenes
are sharp as a tack,
317
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,167
right to the end.
318
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,419
Which makes the end all
that much more terrifying.
319
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,586
My father died screaming.
320
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:38,174
- Oh. Greene... that's
sort of a vague name.
321
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:43,012
You meet a lot of other
Greenes at your... church?
322
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,304
Christmas?
323
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,974
- We're agnostic
secular humanists.
324
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,546
- Sure, but if
you had to pick...
325
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,519
- Is that you and Tom delay?
326
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,272
- Uh, yes. "The hammer"
is a hero of mine.
327
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,563
- [Snorts]
- I-I'm sorry.
328
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:56,693
Did you just snort at our
former house majority leader?
329
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:58,545
- He was never my
house majority leader.
330
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,238
- You've got to be kidding me.
331
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,283
- Here's Tom delay's
legacy to the United States:
332
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:06,327
Raping the environment,
waging an illegal war...
333
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,122
- History will validate
the liberation of Iraq.
334
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:10,641
- I was talking about
the war on drugs.
335
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:14,627
Not to mention the hypocrisy
of espousing family values
336
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,963
while demonizing single mothers.
337
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:18,732
- What would you know
about single mothers?
338
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,174
What would you
know about families?
339
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,385
- I will not be
spoken to this way.
340
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,470
I'm a contest winner.
341
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,198
And a professor at
bennington college.
342
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,558
- [Laughing] Oh... bennington!
343
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,202
How's that going,
teaching all those kids
344
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,546
that couldn't get
into middlebury?
345
00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:32,886
- How dare you!
- How dare you.
346
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,439
You are a huge
disappointment to me.
347
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,275
- I do not understand why
we're yelling at each other,
348
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,652
but I am not accustomed
to losing an argument.
349
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,613
So you know what? Screw you.
350
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,366
And your fakakte contest.
351
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,658
[Door slams]
352
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,870
- [Whispers] Oh, god, no.
353
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,497
- Looking beautiful.
354
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,834
- Uh... I'm gonna get some tape.
355
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,126
- Oh, my god, Liz.
356
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,254
I'm so glad that you've
insisted on doing this.
357
00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:01,507
- Yay! Well, thank you for
so graciously including me.
358
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:04,159
I know this kind of thing is
all that you have in your life.
359
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:05,428
- Aw!
360
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,513
Wait... what is that?
361
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,682
Bellafonte, what is that stuff?
362
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,702
- I just thought that for
some of the pictures,
363
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,644
it'd be fun if we
got a little wacky.
364
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:14,562
- [Giggles] Okay, look.
365
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,522
I know you've never
done this before,
366
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,917
but I had to learn the hard
way... don't use the props.
367
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,235
They always try to get
you to take one funny photo.
368
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,847
That's always the one they
use, and you look like an idiot.
369
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,823
- That's always the
one they use, huh?
370
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:26,657
- Don't do it.
371
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,117
Just open your mouth a little
372
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,769
and try to look
like Lindsay Lohan.
373
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,496
- Great. Fabulous, ladies.
374
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:32,788
You look beautiful.
375
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,708
Now, Jenna, catch the chicken.
376
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,418
- Nice try, pal.
377
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,550
Not my first time on the
merry-go-round, chief.
378
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:40,587
Not gonna do it.
379
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:42,316
Staying like this...
Serious and horny.
380
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,340
- I don't know.
381
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,136
With the chicken, it
could make a great cover.
382
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,764
- I'll hold the chicken.
383
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:53,601
- [Laughing]
Great. That's great.
384
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:54,977
That's so great.
385
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,230
Now act like the chicken farted.
386
00:14:57,522 --> 00:15:00,608
- Yes, yes. You're
the funny one.
387
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,403
Great! That's so great.
388
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,490
- I am Lutz.
389
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:10,535
I understand you study
the art of the empty hand.
390
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:14,163
I challenge you to kumite!
391
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,749
- Hah! Whhhh! Eeee! Whooo.
392
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,461
- Front kick. Front kick!
393
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,588
Uh, uh, escape kata!
394
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,715
Ow!
395
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,467
Pete, Liz, I see you!
396
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,759
Help mommy's baby!
397
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:30,763
[Sobbing] Help mommy's baby!
398
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,434
- Jack, what did
you say to Milton?
399
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,870
If Cornel West weren't speaking
at the new school tonight,
400
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,146
I think he would have left.
401
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,647
- He should leave.
402
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,259
It's exactly what
I was afraid of.
403
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,682
More family, more aggravation.
404
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,361
I'm walking away.
- Why? He's just like you.
405
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,196
He's smart and worldly,
406
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:50,199
and he's really good at
making fun of my shoes.
407
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,491
When he saw these,
408
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,619
he asked me when my
cult was committing suicide.
409
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,121
- Okay, that's pretty good.
410
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:56,974
But Milton Greene
and I are nothing alike.
411
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,624
I have one scotch with the guy,
412
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,076
and it devolves into a screaming
match about Tom delay.
413
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,379
- So you have a couple
drinks, fight about politics,
414
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,151
and then you take it personally
when he doesn't agree with you?
415
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,593
That's called
having a dad, Jack.
416
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:09,469
Don't walk away.
417
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,220
I think you'll
regret it if you do.
418
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,347
- Or I could regret telling him.
419
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:16,225
Why would a man like
that want me as a son?
420
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:17,757
- Maybe he won't. I don't know.
421
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:18,977
But so what?
422
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,396
Yeah, it'd hurt,
423
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,648
but then you'd just go
back to being Jack Donaghy,
424
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:23,399
which is pretty cool.
425
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,819
- Thank you. My
hair just dries like this.
426
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:30,531
- Exactly. Or you tell
him, and he starts crying
427
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,575
and you hug, and
then you have a dad.
428
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:34,368
Which is pretty cool too.
429
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:35,762
- Maybe you're right.
- I am right.
430
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,538
Either way, you're
gonna be okay.
431
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,082
One of those two
things is gonna happen.
432
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:42,585
There's no weird third thing.
433
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,587
- Thank you, Liz.
434
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,006
By the way, did the
medical supply store
435
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:50,551
where you bought those
shoes have any... women's stuff?
436
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,513
- [Chuckles]
437
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,019
- Well, Donald
obviously knows karate.
438
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,980
We still don't know how old
any African-Americans are.
439
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,899
- Oh, that reminds me.
440
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:07,235
I got the birth certificate
that you asked for.
441
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,527
- You did? How?
442
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,047
- The guy at the
place just gave it to me.
443
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:14,116
- You will get old someday.
444
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:16,244
[Gasps]
445
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,912
Tracy, stop writing that check.
446
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,373
He's 40. Don't sign that.
447
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:25,336
- Okay. That was to put
in Dotcom's birthday card.
448
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,172
But you're right...
The card is enough.
449
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:32,009
- Tracy... Donald is
older than you are.
450
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,679
He's scamming you!
451
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,056
- I know.
452
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,391
- I'm sorry, what?
453
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,351
- Liz Lemon, I may
hug people too hard
454
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:43,729
and get lost at malls...
But I'm not an idiot.
455
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,666
- Then why are you
giving him all this money?
456
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:46,148
- When Donald came to me,
457
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,608
he was a fast-talking charmer
458
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,485
from the wrong
side of the track.
459
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,320
He reminded me of
someone, Liz Lemon...
460
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:54,574
John Travolta's
character from grease!
461
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:55,324
And me.
462
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,369
- So giving Donald
money is what... charity?
463
00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,661
- Call it what you want.
464
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,581
But in the last three years,
465
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,624
Donald has gone from
scamming celebrities
466
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,626
to being a small business owner.
467
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,503
- The dojo is real?
468
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,880
- And the community
center is thriving.
469
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,341
You know Kenneth's
$80 bought a chess set
470
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,926
and a crate of condoms?
471
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,886
- Those kids are really lucky.
472
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,178
[Knocking]
473
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:18,347
- Hey.
474
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:21,892
Daddy, do you wanna go
uptown and see the dojo?
475
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:25,062
Or should I say the Tracy
Jordan institute for black karate?
476
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:26,397
- [Whimpers]
477
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:29,317
That's what y'all namin' it?
478
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:33,904
- Thank you, son.
479
00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:36,449
Thank you.
480
00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:46,125
- Well, I hope you're
happy with your cover.
481
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:47,417
- Oh, boy.
482
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,461
They went with birthing
the chicken on the toilet.
483
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,422
- Why didn't you listen to me?
484
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:52,816
- Because I thought
you were just trying
485
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,342
to keep me from
being in the magazine.
486
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,570
- I was just trying to keep you
from embarrassing both of us.
487
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:58,638
Well, you wanted
attention. You got it.
488
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,599
I hope you're happy.
489
00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,562
- I'm on the cover!
490
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,564
- And this is the
backstage area.
491
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:11,137
- Kenneth, I'd like to speak
with Mr. Greene for a moment.
492
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,070
- And as head of this tour,
I'm going to deny your request.
493
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,197
- Uh, Milton...
494
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,949
Do you remember a woman
named Colleen Donaghy?
495
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,077
- Sure.
496
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:23,245
[Laughs] That takes
me back a few years.
497
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:26,999
- 1958?
- Yeah, right.
498
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,418
She rented me a room when
I was a graduate student.
499
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,254
One month I couldn't pay,
500
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:36,300
so she said maybe there was
something else I could give her.
501
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,095
So I gave her my radio.
- [Softly] Oh.
502
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:42,348
- And a couple of weeks
later, we got drunk and had sex.
503
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,641
- Uh... okay.
504
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:47,436
I'm Jack Donaghy, Colleen's son.
505
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:50,356
I was born around
nine months after that.
506
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,008
- Oh, my god.
Wha... wait a minute.
507
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:54,944
I-Is this contest some
mamma Mia thing?
508
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:58,572
- Milton...
509
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,492
I'm your son.
510
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,373
- Oh... of course you are.
511
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:11,043
I should have known
the minute I saw you.
512
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,712
I have a son!
513
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:14,547
A beautiful son!
514
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,382
- And I have a dad!
515
00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:18,217
- Fate has brought
us together, Jack.
516
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:21,178
You opened a whole
new chapter in my life!
517
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,013
- Yeah. Isn't it amazing?
518
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:25,057
- Oh, you don't
know the half of it!
519
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:28,144
I need a kidney!
520
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,438
[Laughing] Oh, god!
521
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,566
This is so great! [Laughing]
38668
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