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1
00:00:04,463 --> 00:00:06,423
- How late is Tracy now?
- 2 1/2 hours.
2
00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,133
- [Buzzes] This is outrageous.
3
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,625
Especially after I was told
I can't leave during the day
4
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,722
for my ridiculous anger
management stupid piece of crap!
5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,098
- How did this happen?
6
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:16,990
I had Grizz call him
at 8:00 this morning
7
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,477
and pretend it was 11:00.
8
00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,371
- I printed up that fake
rehearsal schedule for him,
9
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,314
saying we were starting
at 9:00 instead of noon.
10
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:23,273
- Oh, and I set all his
watches and clocks
11
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,192
to say P.M. when
it's really A.M.
12
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:26,985
- Oh, boy. We may
have overdone it.
13
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,987
- What the hell time is it?
14
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:31,156
- Hey, you're here!
Let's rehearse!
15
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,159
- No! I took my son to his
cello recital this morning
16
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,745
at what turned out to
be midnight yesterday!
17
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,872
White oppressors,
answer my question.
18
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,332
What time is it, really?
19
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,709
- 2:45 P.M.
- you're a bunch of racists.
20
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,670
- What? How did we
jump to that already?
21
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:47,339
- You treat me like a
child! No... worse than that!
22
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:50,259
You treat me like one of
those little pageant girls
23
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,135
with the clip-on teeth.
24
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:55,138
- No, no, Oprah says that you
teach people how to treat you,
25
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:56,616
and this is what
you've taught us,
26
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:57,659
because you're always late
27
00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,563
and you take no
responsibility for your actions.
28
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:00,602
- Irregardless!
29
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,229
You know what? Race card.
30
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,982
- No, don't accept it!
31
00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,694
- Hey, Jack, just a heads-up.
32
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,404
Tracy knows what time it is.
33
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,155
- Damn it.
- Sir.
34
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:14,133
Your mother would like
to have breakfast with you
35
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,409
at the hotel tomorrow,
36
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,554
and she had me make
dinner reservations for tonight.
37
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,038
And by night, I mean
4:30 this afternoon.
38
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,330
- Colleen's in town?
39
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,792
If you need a break, I'd
be happy to take her out.
40
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,444
There's a restaurant hostess
in midtown I'd like to see cry.
41
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,907
- Thank you, but I need to
be the attentive son this visit.
42
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,216
This Thursday marks an
anniversary for my mother,
43
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,926
an unpleasant one.
44
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,970
35 years ago, my
father, Jimmy Donaghy,
45
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,722
went out for a
pack of cigarettes,
46
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,348
came back, smoked one,
47
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,120
told my mother he
was leaving forever,
48
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,393
and walked out the door.
49
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:44,187
- Oh, boy, that must
be hard... for both of you.
50
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:46,159
- He treated her like
dirt all those years,
51
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:48,191
coming and going, taking
up with other women,
52
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,235
including more
than one unitarian!
53
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:51,194
Every time he came back,
54
00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,363
I promised myself
I would tell him off.
55
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,906
I had my speech all planned.
56
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,783
But I always chickened out.
57
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,244
It's the biggest regret
of my life, Lemon...
58
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,246
And I once made
love to Kathy Hilton.
59
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:03,832
- Do you... want a hug?
60
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,643
- What is this, the
Italian parliament?
61
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,085
No, thank you, Lemon.
62
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,880
- Well, you're a good
son. I know she's not easy.
63
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,066
- Sir, your mother had me
move her from the Plaza
64
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,425
to the Carlyle.
65
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,260
Evidently, the
concierge at the Plaza
66
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:19,640
"has a beard," and
she'd rather not get raped.
67
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,269
- Please, tell me we've started.
68
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,481
- Yes, actually, we're on
our second run-through.
69
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,190
- What is this?
- [Buzz]
70
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,642
- Tracy hasn't come back yet,
71
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,628
but he did sent a gibbon
to rehearse in his place.
72
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,655
[Laughs] He's pretty good.
73
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,031
- Hey.
74
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,908
Did you guys know about this?
75
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,827
- Tracy has asked us to
read this prepared statement.
76
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:43,372
"Dear racist Liz Lemon..."
- Oh!
77
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,290
- "This is how you treat me,
78
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,209
"like a white-whiskered gibbon
79
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,378
"put on this earth to do nothing
80
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,338
"but dance around
for your amusement
81
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,383
and reduce the insect
population of Malaysia."
82
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,300
- Okay, I don't know
83
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:58,053
which of these five cell
numbers he answers,
84
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,305
but you get Tracy
down here right now.
85
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,533
- Why? The gibbon is on
time, he knows his blocking,
86
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:06,019
and he doesn't try
to bite the dancers!
87
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,857
- I think I've proven my point.
88
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:13,819
- Oh, my god!
89
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,391
Like we really have time for you
90
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,012
to walk down the
stairs that slowly!
91
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,490
Time jump!
92
00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:20,867
Tracy, it costs the
show a lot of money
93
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,286
when you pull these shenanigans.
94
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:26,373
- Don't patronize me with
your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.
95
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,333
We have a black president now.
96
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,335
- What do you care?
You voted for Nader!
97
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,087
- This is post-racial america,
98
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,965
and I demand to be
treated like everyone else.
99
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:35,882
- You wanna be treated
like everybody else?
100
00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:37,300
Fantastic.
101
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:40,262
Then tomorrow, I'm sending
a regular town car for you
102
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,180
instead of one of
those duck tour boats.
103
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,724
- Fine.
104
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,618
- And you're no longer
allowed to point at women
105
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:47,811
in the cafeteria and yell, "I
wanna get that pregnant!"
106
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:50,188
- Fine, I'll bring my
lunch from home.
107
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,442
- And be here tomorrow at
10:00 A.M. and know your lines.
108
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,027
[Commotion, murmuring]
109
00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,029
- You don't think
I could do that?
110
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:01,074
- We'll find out
tomorrow at 10:00 A.M.
111
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,034
- Fine, but I'll
have the last laugh.
112
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,494
Ha ha ha ha ha!
113
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,705
- Ah ha ha ha ha!
114
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:12,252
[Overlapping laughter]
115
00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,379
- Hoo hah hah hah hah!
116
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,465
- Ah ha ha ha ha!
117
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,009
[Exciting jazz music]
118
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:27,301
♪ ♪
119
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,991
- Beth, that was a
big mistake you made.
120
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,160
- Grizz, it was a year
ago. You're engaged now.
121
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,828
Just drop it, okay...
122
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,120
Oh, hey, Dotcom.
123
00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:49,890
- Yelling at Tracy
in front of everybody
124
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,249
was a bad move, Liz.
125
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,877
- Yeah, well, it's not my
job to protect his feelings.
126
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:55,396
- I told you she
would turn cold.
127
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,420
She's an ice queen.
128
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,256
- Grizz.
- I'm just sayin'.
129
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,134
You humiliate Tracy in
front of everybody like that,
130
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,095
you give him two choices...
One, he won't show up tomorrow,
131
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,157
and you'll look like a
fool in front of your crew.
132
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:09,684
Or two, he will show up...
133
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,776
- And he'll find an even
worse way to act out.
134
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,231
- Exactly.
135
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,361
- Jack!
136
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:20,654
What are you doing here?
137
00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:22,386
- I'm here to pick
you up for dinner.
138
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,489
- No dinner.
139
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,116
We're having
breakfast in the morning.
140
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,034
I told your girl.
141
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,911
- My assistant is
named Jonathan.
142
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,288
- Yes, I know. I met him.
143
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,900
- And he also said we had a
reservation for dinner tonight.
144
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,060
- Well, Jack, there's
been a misunderstanding.
145
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,919
I have a previous
engagement with a friend.
146
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,964
- Colleen, can I
borrow one of your ties?
147
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:40,256
- Oh, brother.
148
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:41,842
Paul, this is Jack, my son.
149
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,636
Jack, this is Paul Brett.
150
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:45,968
- Mother, I didn't realize
151
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,240
you were bringing
a companion along.
152
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,975
- Companion? Ha! How fancy.
153
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,643
Paul lives in Florida.
154
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,937
He paints landscapes and
he makes his own soda.
155
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,022
- Jack, why don't
you join us for dinner?
156
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,400
- Great! I'll call
the restaurant.
157
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,987
See if they can
seat a third wheel.
158
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,114
- Ah. Another day done.
159
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,991
Now let's get outta here
160
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:10,829
before we realize we've
forgotten about something.
161
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:19,713
- I feel like we're
half-assing this.
162
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,274
- Oh, I didn't know
anyone was here.
163
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,898
That wasn't me
screaming in the bathroom.
164
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,151
What are you doing with him?
165
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,095
- Oh, Mr. Jordan says he
doesn't need it anymore.
166
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,888
- So you're just letting him go?
167
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,179
- Well, don't worry.
168
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:30,891
Once it tries to
mate with a child,
169
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,934
I'm sure animal
control will just shoot it.
170
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,687
- No! He's not an
animal. Look at him!
171
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:36,979
He's a little person!
172
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,690
[Giggling]
173
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,150
Oh, he loves me!
174
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,986
Somebody loves me.
175
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:44,988
I'm gonna name him little Jenna
176
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,825
and let him live in
my dressing room.
177
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,042
- Lemon, Colleen
brought her boyfriend.
178
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,334
His name is Paul.
179
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,170
- What? Really?
- I don't like this guy.
180
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:01,462
I don't trust him.
181
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,632
I mean, he's four years
younger than my mother.
182
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:04,924
He wears a pinkie ring.
183
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,886
When the waiter brought over
the food, he said, "abbondanza."
184
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,614
- Okay, Jack, I know
this is a stressful time
185
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:10,931
for you and your mother...
186
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,159
- You're right... I don't
like the timing of this at all.
187
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,623
Colleen is very
vulnerable right now,
188
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,037
and scam artists can
smell that sort of thing.
189
00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,687
Have you ever been to Florida?
190
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,332
It's basically a
criminal population.
191
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,356
It's america's Australia.
192
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,359
- Come on, maybe
he just likes her.
193
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,694
You know, some
men like older women.
194
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:27,155
- Let's... not make
this about you, okay?
195
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,659
I've gotta call my
private investigator.
196
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,911
- Liz, they want you
onstage for rehearsal.
197
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,871
- Tracy's here already?
- I guess so.
198
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,163
You know, this food area
199
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,558
is always the first place
I go to look for you...
200
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,710
- Thank you, Cerie.
201
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,965
- Tracy, you're here already.
202
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,884
- Professional is
my middle name.
203
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:52,055
- No need. I've
got it memorized.
204
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,350
I'm going to do
a Valentino cross,
205
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:57,769
camera right, then
dump the laugh.
206
00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,771
So stay on your fours, guys!
207
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,273
- One, two, three,
jump and pose!
208
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,943
3:15. Time for union break.
209
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,862
[Applause]
210
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:11,241
- Thank you, Tracy! That
is so great for morale.
211
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:12,784
Listen, about yesterday...
212
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,786
- No. Do not apologize.
213
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,180
In fact... everyone
gather around.
214
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,831
Actor announcement.
215
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,000
I want to publicly
thank you, Liz Lemon,
216
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,211
for you have shown
me that in today's world
217
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,798
everyone should be
treated exactly the same.
218
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,259
No one should get
preferential treatment.
219
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,386
- I agree. Exactly.
220
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,639
- Not black comedy
superstars. Not hispanics.
221
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:38,018
Not Indians. Not
whatever this guy is.
222
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,894
And not women, Liz Lemon.
223
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,105
- I'm right there
with you, Tracy.
224
00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:45,233
- Good. I feel parched
from being so professional.
225
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,027
Could I trouble
you for some water?
226
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:50,071
- Yeah, of course.
227
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,786
Brian, would you
help me out with this?
228
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,246
- No! No!
229
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,832
Equality.
- What?
230
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,324
- Everyone should be treated
the same, right, Liz Lemon?
231
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,420
You should change it.
232
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:09,382
- Yeah, okay. I
know how to do this.
233
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,770
- No one help her!
234
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,155
- I got it. That's good.
235
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:36,576
Just gotta get my hammies
in the handles so I...
236
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,164
Hold on.
237
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,458
Oof!
238
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,842
[Panting]
239
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,391
All right!
240
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,061
Let's... take it from the top.
241
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,654
[Clicking]
242
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:16,908
- Hello, len.
243
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,202
- Oh. Thanks for meeting
me here, Mr. Donaghy.
244
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,413
- You, uh... staking
out a cheating husband?
245
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,916
- No. I'm taking a
photography class.
246
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,085
Look at the way the
sunlight hits that cobweb.
247
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:28,377
[Clicking]
248
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,755
- So, uh, what
have you got for me?
249
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,608
- Well, I looked into
this Paul Brett guy,
250
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,758
and I gotta tell you,
251
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,094
this is the weirdest
case I've ever worked.
252
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,946
- I knew it. What is
he, a check forger?
253
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,223
Real estate
swindler? Bird owner?
254
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,933
- No, he's clean.
- What?
255
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,536
- I've never seen
anything like it.
256
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,103
Everyone's got
something to hide.
257
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,373
For instance, I'm wearing
a child's Halloween costume
258
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:48,397
under this.
259
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,276
But this guy... no
priors, no debts.
260
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,528
He's been married to his
wife Louise for 35 years.
261
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,446
- He's married?
- Yeah.
262
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,782
I wish I had more to give you.
263
00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,909
But this Paul Brett
guy, he's, uh...
264
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:01,369
He's like a boy scout.
265
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,788
I'm sorry, Mr. Donaghy.
266
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,547
- Miss Maroney, I have
the ukulele you asked for.
267
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:13,839
- Oh, it's not for me.
268
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:16,843
Someone's in a little
mariachi band today.
269
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,553
- Ma'am, this is a wild animal.
270
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,125
You can't treat
it like a person.
271
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,388
- No, he's happy.
272
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,224
His costume is
hiding his erection.
273
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,956
- Well, as a child,
I had a prize pig
274
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,769
that I thought
was my best friend.
275
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,856
But then one day, I
picked up one of her piglets.
276
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,816
She went crazy!
277
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,860
She bit off my nut sack
278
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,696
that I kept tied around
my belt to feed squirrels.
279
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,824
Please be careful, miss Maroney.
280
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,872
- Tracy did that thing
with the water on purpose.
281
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:47,884
Grizz and Dotcom warned
me he would act out.
282
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:50,168
- Look, if Tracy's revenge plan
283
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,128
involves him being
good at his job,
284
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,173
you might have to just take it.
285
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,135
- Hello, Liz Lemon.
286
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,678
I was just telling these fellas
287
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,056
about how you don't wanna
be treated any differently
288
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,266
because you're a woman.
289
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,998
- Well, thank you.
Of course I don't.
290
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,063
- Really. You don't want
us to hold back anymore.
291
00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,481
- I'm sorry... were you guys
holding back something?
292
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,191
- Our farts, to start with.
293
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:16,236
- Also, we didn't invite you
to Lutz's fake bachelor party.
294
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:17,695
- Lutz's what?
295
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,340
- I realize I'm never
getting married
296
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,484
because of my gland thing...
297
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:21,800
But I wanna have
a bachelor party.
298
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,202
- Well, you should
have invited me.
299
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,496
It's not fair...
That you didn't.
300
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,373
- We're goin' to a strip club.
301
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:31,918
- I'm glad that we're
having this conversation,
302
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,045
because we live in a world
303
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:35,797
where a lot of the old divisions
304
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,715
are starting to disappear.
305
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,218
And I hope to have
a daughter someday,
306
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,428
and I want her to...
307
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,138
Aghh. Oh, god,
what is that smell?
308
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,224
Oh, dear lord, Frank!
309
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:49,060
It's like orange-flavored
egg! It's in my mouth!
310
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:50,937
- Good. We're learning.
311
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,563
- This next one's me.
312
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,066
- Ohh!
313
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,325
- Hey, Jack, do you
treat me any differently
314
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,910
because I'm a woman?
315
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,913
- Well, I pay you
a little less, yes.
316
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,205
- No, I mean day-to-day.
317
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,958
Do you coddle me?
- In some ways.
318
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,876
With a man, I can
be more direct,
319
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:16,796
but with you, uh, I have
to have a conversation,
320
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,256
talk things through more.
321
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,133
- Gimme an example.
322
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:23,636
- Well, uh... right
now comes to mind.
323
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,930
Are we through
listening and sharing,
324
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:29,350
because I have something
I want you to look at.
325
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,893
- It's a marriage certificate.
326
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,812
- It's Paul's
marriage certificate.
327
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,230
My mother's boyfriend.
328
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,149
He's married.
- What?
329
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:39,319
- I knew I was right.
That guy is shady!
330
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,010
- Oh, my god. Have
you told Colleen?
331
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,070
- No Colleen.
332
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,516
I have an opportunity
here, Lemon,
333
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:47,035
a chance to go back to
the past to put things right
334
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,327
that once went wrong.
335
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,330
- That's the quantum leap intro.
336
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:51,621
- Be that as it may,
337
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:54,125
I'm finally going to
stand up for Colleen.
338
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,128
The small part of her that
is still human deserves it.
339
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,880
I'll see Paul,
340
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,332
and I'll give him the speech
I wrote for Jimmy Donaghy.
341
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,843
- Paul's not your dad, Jack.
- But Paul's here.
342
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,304
And he's taking
advantage of my mother.
343
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,681
Now, what I originally
wrote for my father
344
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:09,973
may be dated.
345
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,643
Who would be our
current nikita khrushchev?
346
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,062
- Mm... Simon Cowell?
347
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,063
- [Gasps]
348
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,856
- Now you're standing
on the very spot
349
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:19,776
where Gracie Allen
took Jack Paar's virginity.
350
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,148
- I thought I heard a tour.
351
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,487
Boy, people are
not gonna believe
352
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,197
that you saw this.
353
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,324
So take a lot of pictures.
- Miss Maroney.
354
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:29,410
No good will come of
this. This is unnatural.
355
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,289
- It is unnatural... for a
grandmother to look this good!
356
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,041
Little Jenna had
a baby last night.
357
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:36,918
Crowd: Ooh!
358
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,378
- Thank you.
359
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:46,386
- Good job with the water, Liz.
360
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:49,013
- Ow, Frank! What the hell?
361
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,075
- What? I'm trying to
treat you like one of us.
362
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,017
- Hello, Elizabeth.
363
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:56,020
- Tracy, shouldn't you be
working down on Stage?
364
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,273
- I'm done with my work.
I was very professional.
365
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,001
- Hmm. That must
have been hard for you.
366
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,025
- It was.
367
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:05,321
- All right, Tracy's here.
Let's do this bachelor party.
368
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,865
- Yeah!
- You coming, Liz Lemon?
369
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,426
Because a dude
boss would be a jerk
370
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,702
if he didn't come to
Lutz's bachelor party.
371
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,914
Also a dude boss
would pay for it.
372
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:20,211
- Yeah, I'm coming.
Of course I'm coming.
373
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:23,089
But you're not.
- Twist!
374
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:24,757
- You have to stay here.
375
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,260
I haven't gotten your
notes on the rewrite,
376
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:29,762
and your input is
invaluable to the process...
377
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,348
Since we're all equal now.
378
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,853
Let's go see some naked
daughters and moms!
379
00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:38,312
- All right!
- Whoo hoo!
380
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,357
[Indistinct cheering]
381
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,321
- Oh. Hello, Jack.
382
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,699
I'm sorry. Your
mom's out shopping.
383
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:50,991
- I know.
384
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,469
My credit card company
called to confirm
385
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:55,705
my purchase of a book entitled
intercourse after hip surgery
386
00:15:55,997 --> 00:16:00,251
- well... why don't
you come on in?
387
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,045
I'm just watching
the hotel channel.
388
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,089
You can check out on the TV.
389
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,008
- I bet you can,
you son of a bitch.
390
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,300
- I beg your pardon?
391
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,095
- I am tired of watching
you treat my mother like this.
392
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,931
I am not afraid of you.
You're just a big bully.
393
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,100
Like Simon Cowell. That's right.
394
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:17,935
I just called you a communist.
395
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,937
I want you out of
our lives forever,
396
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:22,106
[door opens] And
I want you to know
397
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:22,899
that I am never going to be
398
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,109
anything like you
when I grow up.
399
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,945
- What in god's name
is going on here?
400
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:31,699
- Paul is leaving, mother. And
I think you should know why.
401
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:32,991
He's married.
402
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,702
- Oh, my...
403
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,245
I know that!
404
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,206
[Sighs] Paul...
405
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,938
Find something to
do in the bathroom.
406
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,126
I have to talk to my son.
407
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,296
Okay.
408
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,088
Shoot.
409
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,965
- You knew?
410
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,967
- It's Florida, Jack!
411
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,304
It's like it never stopped
being the '70s down there.
412
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:56,265
And a guy like Paul,
who can drive at night,
413
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,309
you just don't say no to that!
414
00:16:58,601 --> 00:16:59,601
- Well, I apologize then.
415
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:01,938
I thought we were going
to get through this together.
416
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,940
I guess your coping mechanism
417
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,192
is to bring a married man
back to your hotel room!
418
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:07,652
- Coping?
419
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:10,071
What am I supposed
to be coping with?
420
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,157
- It's the 35th
anniversary of dad leaving!
421
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,785
- Which time, Jack?
422
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,829
That man left and came
back so many times
423
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,623
that I totally lost count!
424
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:23,668
One night, he went
out to move the car,
425
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,044
and he was gone...
426
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,005
From the spring of '57 until...
427
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,925
One night he just
showed up out of the Blue!
428
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,297
"Put your shoes on, collie.
429
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,095
We're goin' to see
some like it hot."
430
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,847
- Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm not kidding you!
431
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,183
- You honestly don't
remember when he left for good,
432
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,144
because I sure as hell do.
433
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:45,147
- Oh, my god. Is that
what this is all about?
434
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,985
Is that what you've been
holding onto all these years?
435
00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:53,322
Jack, stop wasting your
time thinking about that man!
436
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,032
You're nothing
like him, you know.
437
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,159
No way you ever could be.
438
00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,161
- What does that mean?
- I don't know.
439
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:01,664
I'm old, Jack, you know?
440
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:04,333
And I don't know what I'm
thinking about half the time.
441
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,253
I do know this:
442
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,256
You're my good boy.
443
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:13,884
[Voice breaking] I
just love ya to death.
444
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,724
- Thank you, mother.
And I love you too.
445
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,225
- Paul!
446
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,227
You're on your own tonight.
447
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,271
I have a date with my son.
448
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,898
He's taking me
out to a late dinner.
449
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,942
- It's, uh, 6:00.
450
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,405
- Whoops!
451
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:39,076
- Say you like my body.
452
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,268
- [Crying] I don't
wanna be here!
453
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,919
I don't like it here!
Who's this guy?
454
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,254
[Sobbing]
455
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,222
- Okay, which one of
us is gonna give up first?
456
00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,026
- The black one. I
can't take it anymore!
457
00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:58,261
I hate it!
458
00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:00,146
- One of those strippers
took of Lutz's shirt.
459
00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:01,384
That gland thing is no joke!
460
00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,768
- Everything is upside down!
461
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:04,769
- We need to go back
to the way things were
462
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:07,313
with both of us getting
preferential treatment.
463
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,106
- Yes. We upset
the natural order.
464
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,068
You're going to strip
clubs. I'm up writing all night.
465
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,195
- Look who's a sailor!
466
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,030
- We're dressing
monkeys up as people,
467
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,616
and monkeys are playing
with people as toys!
468
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:20,034
- It's not a toy, Tracy.
469
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,120
Little Jenna thinks
that this is her baby.
470
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,039
[Screeching]
471
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,958
- Oh, no!
- You said you loved me!
472
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,710
Your foot fingers are so strong!
473
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,522
- We don't wanna
end up like those two.
474
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:35,675
- You're so right.
[Jenna laughing]
475
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:36,966
- We're okay!
476
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,719
He's just expressing himself!
477
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,011
[Monkey chittering]
478
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:44,350
- Hey, before you hear crazy
rumors and start believing them,
479
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,060
the gibbon did not attack Jenna.
480
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,145
He was trying to
mate with her face.
481
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,856
- What?
- Nothing. Everyone's fine.
482
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,359
Hey! Some like it
hot. I love this movie.
483
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,194
- My mother told
me she and my dad
484
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,697
went to see it together,
485
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,216
and if that's the
stuff she remembers,
486
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,075
maybe that's how I
should remember him too...
487
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,328
On a date with my mom
instead of walking out the door.
488
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,665
- 1959. Boy, it would have
been fun to write back then.
489
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,084
You could get away
with crazy plot twists
490
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,420
because audiences were
so much less sophisticated.
491
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,879
- Wait a minute.
492
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,757
This movie came out in 1959?
493
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,009
How could my father
have been gone
494
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:22,096
from the spring
of '57 until 1959
495
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:26,183
if I was conceived in '58...
496
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:29,979
Jimmy Donaghy's not my father.
497
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,106
- [Gasps] Twist!
36562
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