Original subtitles

[Cheers]

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- Okay, guys, I just want to say congratulations

on our 50th show!

[Cheers]

That's 50 hours of comedy, over 300 sketches,

one unsolved crew death, and an Emmy magazine cover story.

- Hey, and someone got us booze gifts.

- Oh, sweet.

- They're all empty. What the hell?

- Congratulations on 50 shows, everyone.

Enjoy your decorative air holders.

You deserve them. Lemon, a word.

- It's a pretty lame present, Jack.

- Cutbacks. Our parent company Sheinhardt wigs

is announcing losses this quarter

for the first time since the civil war.

And even I am not immune.

I had to let Jonathan go today.

- Oh, my god. How did he take it?

- Better than I expected. - ♪ can't live ♪

♪ if living is without you ♪ - okay, last verse, Jonathan.

- ♪ I can't live! ♪

- I'm warning you now that the entertainment division

is gonna come under some very close scrutiny.

The days of your wild coke parties are over.

- Well, if by "coke," you mean "sodas"...

- I do. It's really bad.

It's so bad, the sheinhardts are hiring

an outside consulting firm.

- What does that mean?

- It means they're bringing in hatchet men to trim the fat.

And on Monday, you will have to present and justify

your budget to them.

Can you handle that?

- Handle a presentation?

Jack, I put on a live show every week

unless there's wrestling.

I'm on it. - Good.

I've got some more downsizing to do upstairs

so I've got no time for hand-holding.

Let's get this right.

- I've got some tricks up my sleeve.

- That's my girl. - No, Trix, the cereal.

Some fell in my sleeve. It's sticking to the fibers.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- [Knock at door] You wanted to see me, sir.

- Kenneth, as you may have heard,

Jonathan no longer works here.

- Yeah. The assistants talked about it last night

at Finnegan's, the bar we all go to after work...

In my dreams.

- Yes, uh, well, obviously, I'm going to need an assistant.

And I'm going to have to ask you to fill in.

- But what about my page duties?

- Oh, don't worry. I've taken care of that.

You'll do both jobs.

This is a very difficult time, Kenneth.

I'm gonna be counting on you.

You'll do fine so long as you follow my three ds:

Discretion, docility, and don't use my bathroom.

[Phone rings]

- Mr. Donaghy's office. This is Kenneth.

How may I help you?

It's Greg windham from aviation.

- I'm not here. - But you are here.

I can see you. - I don't want to talk to him.

- Oh, corporate intrigue.

He's not in right now. I'll tell him you called.

I feel like I'm in the pelican brief!

Do I already know too much?

- Liz. Brad Halster. The Himler group.

A division of Advantrix Consulting.

- Liz Lemon. This is my associate, Peter Hornberger.

- Liz, is there a conference room where we can sit down

and get started?

- Actually, I thought we'd do this outside the box.

I'd like to tell you about three television programs.

A comedy show, a musical variety show,

and a live television event.

Comedy, music show, live show.

Comedy, music, live. Are you getting it? Yeah.

They're all the same show. They're all TGS.

Now I could stand here, Brad,

and I could bore you with numbers.

I could tell you that we are the number one late night show

among men 9-13 and the morbidly obese.

I could tell you that we're in final negotiations

to create exclusive content for america's jails.

But I'm not the one being judged here.

So I thought I'd let the show speak for herself.

- [As star Jones] Dessert!

- Someone put too many farts in this engine!

It's about to explode!

I'm flavor Obama and I'd like to introduce

the under secretary of housing and crystal meth, boy!

- It's the bear and robot talk show!

- My name is Suri Cruise. Put your hands in the air.

I came out of the womb with a full head of hair.

- It's farting! It's farting!

That's our show for tonight. See you next week!

- Good night!

- This is TGS!

- So where's that conference room?

- Oh. Golly. - Whoa, k.

- I am sorry, Mr. Jordan. I'm just overworked.

With my page duties and being Mr. Donaghy's assistant,

there's not enough hours in the day.

- I'm sorry about that.

But just let me know if there's any way I can help.

- Actually, there is one thing.

- No. I was just saying that.

Why can't you read human facial queues?

All right, what is it?

- Well, with both these jobs,

I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get home.

I'm worried about my bird, Sonny Crockett.

Would you mind going to my apartment and feeding him?

- Yeah, okay.

Birds are like little dinosaurs.

So what I'll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave.

- Thank you, sir. Here are my keys.

Oh, and one thing, don't go into my bedroom.

- What? - Do not go into my bedroom.

- 25%? How am I supposed to cut a quarter of our budget?

- Well, there is some fat. What about Sid?

- Sid? I can't fire our announcer.

He'll lose his insurance.

You know, he has a lot of health problems.

- Yeah, because he was hit by lightning

and can't really talk anymore.

- It's tergis with tracky jong-jong

and Jimmy moop!

- No. Sid is off the table.

I'm not firing any of my people.

I'm not doing that to their families.

Or in Sid's case, their much younger wife

with whom they have an open relationship.

- All right, we'll find the money somewhere else.

The food budget... - No!

- All right, what about straws?

We spend $1,200 a year on straws.

- Okay, fine. No more straws.

Everyone drinks from the can from now on.

- Oh, no, we need straws. - Oh, god! That's its bathroom!

- Listen, Liz, I'm gonna need your revised budget

by the end of today.

- I don't know, Brad. TGS is a complicated machine.

Every part's important. - I get it.

You don't want to be the bad guy.

But if you don't make the cuts, I will.

And I don't give a crap about anyone here.

- Matthew, I know this isn't easy,

but the company's facing cutbacks.

And you have to admit your boom box division

is a little bit behind the times.

- We're not behind the times, we're groovy!

- I can offer you two weeks severance.

- Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you

if it was very important,

but Tashonda from time Warner cable

is on the phone

and she's offering three free months of showtime.

But we have to act now.

- Kenneth, this does not qualify

as something important.

I do not want showtime.

- Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

I just didn't want you to miss out

on this exciting opportunity...

- Thank you, Kenneth.

Take your time.

- Hey, little guy.

- [Squawks] Don't go in the bedroom.

Don't go in the bedroom.

- I wasn't going to! I wasn't going to! Bye!

- Hello, miss Lemon.

Are you here to see Kenneth the page

or Kenneth the Mr. Donaghy's assistant?

- Well, I need to see Jack.

- Hello, miss Lemon.

Mr. Donaghy is in an important meeting.

And I've been told not to interrupt him.

What is this pertaining to? - The TGS budget.

- Oh, my. That sounds very important.

- [Crying] I've worked here 20 years.

- Mr. Donaghy. - Kenneth!

- I was wrong. That was not important enough.

It's me, Kenneth the page, this job is hard.

Please have a seat.

Mr. Donaghy will be right with you.

- Do you know what these meetings are about?

I hear people are getting fired.

- Yeah. I don't know.

- Do you know Jack Donaghy well?

- Pretty well.

- Do you happen to know

if he's a boob man or a butt man?

- What? Why would you ask that?

- Because I don't want to get fired.

So I'm gonna have to go in there

and boink my way out of this one.

I'm Cheryl, by the way.

- You're gonna try to have sex with Jack?

- I have to. I have 15 employees.

I'm responsible for them.

Do you have any idea what that's like?

- Well, yeah, I have 200 people under me, but...

- Wow. Maybe we could team up,

go in there together, lez out, give him a show.

- No. Cheryl, get a grip. Oh, boy.

- Miss Lemon, Mr. Donaghy will see you now.

- Make it quick, Lemon.

I'm in the middle of a very unpleasant day.

- Okay, well, so am I.

- I know this cutback stuff is difficult.

- I don't want to fire anyone.

And I don't want to take anything away from my crew.

And I want to keep making free, long-distance prank calls

to people like Seattle's Richard Sacmuncher.

And I think that's reasonable.

So what do I do to get out of this?

- The only thing to do is make your cuts

and live to fight another day.

- What? That's it?

I thought you'd tell me to cook the numbers

or shred something or do some pelican brief stuff.

- Why is everyone talking about that movie?

- It's been playing on showtime.

- Kenneth, get me showtime. - What? Why now?

- I'm sorry.

I know this is hard, but there's no way out of it.

- Well, little heads up,

your next meeting might disagree.

She's planning to change your mind

by hitting... that.

- Oh, no, not again.

This last guy tried to take my belt off.

But the sad thing is, it sometimes works.

Sexual bartering pays off.

Salome. Mata hari. Deborah Norville.

Well, good luck downstairs. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Oh, and one more thing, uh, don't cut the straw budget

'cause I've already cut the exterminators.

- Jenna, something weird is going on.

- You mean this budget stuff? Don't worry about it, Tracy.

It's just gonna affect the non-specials.

- No, it's not that.

Jenna, you're the smartest person I know.

You think Kenneth could be a murderer?

- What? Why would you think that?

- Well, I might be crazy,

but neither he Nor his bird would let me into his bedroom.

And why wouldn't you want to let Tracy Jordan

into your bedroom unless you got a bunch

of dead nurses in there?

- Well, I had to study serial killers

to prepare for my role as criminal profiler

Jill St. Ferrari in the lifetime original miniseries

hushed rapings.

And all masked murderers share three characteristics:

Cruelty to animals...

- He grew up killing pigs! - Bedwetting.

- No wonder he's fascinated when I do that!

- And an inability to read human facial queues!

- I admonished him for that earlier!

Three for three. He's a monster!

- Okay, we've gotta go tell Jack.

You know, if Kenneth is actually a killer,

we're gonna be heroes.

- Liz, our food is gone. They took it.

It happened this morning. Do you have a cookie?

Mommy's baby needs his yum-yums.

- Oh, my god. Sid, did you get fired?

- Good-bye, Lerz.

- Liz, it's a massacre! - What is going on?

- Brad came in this morning and started making cuts.

I can't go back to teaching high school math.

Those girls pretend they're not women yet,

but they are.

- Do something, Liz. - You're our only hope.

- Halster, you look hot in those trousers.

How about we grab drinks tonight?

- Marissa, update my sched.

[Elevator dings]

- Good morning, sir.

- Kenneth, I know there's a learning curve here,

but I need you to focus.

No mistakes now. Think before you speak.

Understand?

- Yes.

- [Gasps] Oh. - Hey, k.

Where's Jonathan?

- Jonathan's not here anymore.

How may I help you? - Um, we need to see Jack.

- I don't know if I can allow that.

I've made some mistakes lately.

Terrible mistakes. - Uh-huh.

- So I need to know what this is about.

I can't have you getting me into trouble.

- It's not about you.

- Yeah, it's about someone else.

I'm afraid this guy I know in Canada

might be a serial killer.

- And what is his name? - Kenneth.

I mean... I'll tell you his name. It's Kenneth.

- Excellent. I will be sure to let him know

as soon as he's done firing Steven Lee from microwaves.

- What? - Oh, Mr. Lee, I forgot.

He's ready for you now.

- I've got chills. He's evil.

- If I had any doubts about this before,

and I don't think I did, they're gone now.

- We gotta go to his apartment and save who we can.

We're definitely gonna be heroes.

- Yeah, like Julia and Denzel in the pelican brief!

- Lee, I need that dress Jenna wore for the hooker sketch,

the heels Tracy wears when he plays Michelle Obama,

and double... Wait... triple Spanx.

I need a makeup artist! No, the sluttier one.

- Thanks, Liz. - You're our hero.

[Hesitant applause]

[Enthusiastic applause]

- They may take my dignity,

but they will never take our straws!

- Yeah! [Cheers and applause]

- Oh, my god.

Why does he have a rolled up towel

against the bottom of the door?

It's so creepy!

- Jenna, I just want you to know that if we find

any human remains in there,

I'm gonna throw up all over your face.

[Door creaks]

[Can pops, hisses]

- Oh, no! Kenneth's a murderer and the Riddler's coming!

- No. It's a bug bomb. Get out. Get out.

It's poisonous. - Ah!

- Ah!

- [Squawks, chokes]

- So thanks for dinner. You sure know a lot about Sushi.

- Well, you gotta be careful.

They try to up-sell you the real crab.

- So... - So...

- [Laughs] - [Laughs]

Listen, I gotta get going. I got a lotta work tomorrow.

- All right, listen, we're both adults here.

We know the deal. Let's cut to the chase.

- That's certainly direct. - We go upstairs.

20 minutes. Open mouth. I will work your ears.

- I don't know, Liz.

What you're asking me to do is a big deal.

If I go through with this, I need to know it's worth it.

- Fine. 30 minutes. I'll make some sounds.

And you can say one weird thing to me.

All right, hardball. 30 minutes. Sounds.

Top front of my body is now in play. Deal?

- Deal.

- Lemon, I heard a rumor that you went out

with one of the consultants last night.

- Well, I had no choice.

I had to give him a little taste of the Lemon.

And it was not sour, my friend. Not sour.

- It's interesting you put it that way

because your writers' room is now the headquarters

for telemundo's coverage of world cup soccer qualifying.

- Equador tiene que ganar o atar contra Peru

para avanzar en los finales.

- What the what?! - Ssh.

- Brad and I had a deal. I gave him top front.

Top front? Good lord, Lemon, that's your worst quadrant.

- [Scoffs]

- Kenneth, you know how you told Tracy

not to go into your bedroom?

Well, naturally, we assumed you were a serial killer.

And as you can imagine, your bird is dead.

- Yeah, but on the Bright side,

you've been downgraded

from "suspect" to "person of interest."

- Some day, we're gonna look back on this and laugh.

- [Laughs] Time does heal all wounds!

- [Sighs] - Now you wait just one minute.

I am sorry to be using my barn voice

in front of a lady, but I am riled up.

It is not enough that you killed the bird

I've had for almost 60 years.

But the fact that you didn't trust me is unforgivable.

But what should I expect?

Look at you two walking around without a care in the world

as budgets are slashed

and people keep getting called into Mr. Donaghy's office

to be fired.

I may just be a non-special,

but what you two did is inexcusable.

Good day.

- I'm out of letters.

- I have to return my kids' braces.

- What did you do? We trusted you!

- You ruined it with your talking, didn't you?

- Hey! Why are you still messing with my show?

What about last night?

- Liz, last night was what it was,

but business is business.

- Right. And last night, I gave you the business.

We had an agreement.

Top front and some light ear work!

You got your quid, Halster. Where's my quo?

- Oh, my god. Last night was about the show?

- Oh, please, you know it was.

You were all, oh, it's gotta be worth it

and what you're asking me to do is such a big deal.

- It was a big deal.

Being with a woman for the first time

[voice cracks] Since my wife died.

- Ah, snap. - It was just a transaction?

What kind of person are you?!

- Does it help if I tell you

I thought we were doing sexual espionage?

- Oh, god. Sharon! Angel!

I swore to you the next one would be worthy,

but she's not!

[Crying] She's a monster!

Marissa, add Dr. Walters to my sched.

[Crying]

- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

- Okay, so Mr. Halster has filed a complaint against you

with human resources.

Specifically, his claim suggests that you tried to barter sex

in exchange for professional consideration.

In the human resource world,

we refer to that as "being a filthy prostitute."

Now, since this is your first incident

and, uh, Mr. Donaghy has explained

the mitigating circumstances...

- I'm convinced that this sexual outburst

was brought on by menopause.

- We are recommending only a two-week suspension

without pay.

- Okay. That's fair.

- And obviously Mr. Halster cannot function

in this hostile work environment.

His company has reassigned him.

And your budget review process will start over again

under my supervision.

- Really. - Yes, really.

I hope you've learned your lesson, miss Lemon.

When you harass sexually in the workplace,

things do not somehow just work out in the end.

- Mr. Donaghy, I thought you'd like to know

that there's a spider on the printer.

Oh, no. Am I interrupting?

Is this another firing meeting? - It is now.

Kenneth, have a seat.

- Ken, we feel bad that we... but mostly Jenna...

Gassed your bird.

- I agree.

Not to name names, but it's so sad

that a certain black individual

found it necessary to trick someone so pretty

into believing you were a murderer.

- I'm sorry, is there a point to all this?

I've had a bad couple of days.

- Well, we feel terrible about what happened,

so we did a little something to make it up to you.

[Birds chirping]

- [Laughs] Looks like I've got some naming to do.

Pat. Balthazar. Donna.

Lorne. Michael.