Original subtitles

- Are you sure you don't want to go to a real restaurant?

- No, this food cart is great.

[Baby crying]

- Look at this guy.

He used to be a man once.

- What is that supposed to mean?

Don't you want what he has someday...

Family, wife, children?

- Lemon, you're a woman. - Of course I am!

That doctor was a quack.

I don't even know why my parents listened to him.

- I need advice.

Elisa is coming by this afternoon

to, uh, talk about us.

- Ugh, ladies are such a bummer.

- Where is this going? How serious are we?

[As Elisa] Why don't you listen to my story about my friend?

- Well, where is it going?

Ladies like to know what that next step is.

They... we can't help ourselves.

- Oh, believe me, Lemon, I want to take that next step.

- You mean, like, marriage?

- No, the one before that.

- Moving in together? That's huge.

- No, the thing you do before that.

Think you in the mid-'90s.

- You haven't had sex?! - Shh.

Elisa had a very strict, very religious upbringing.

She does not take that step lightly.

We have, of course...

Pleasured one another.

- No, stop! I will leave.

- But she wants me to make some kind of commitment

before we go forward.

Obviously, I care about her a lot.

But she keeps confusing me with this ridiculous notion

that sex and love are somehow connected.

- Okay, two things. One, be honest.

If this is a big deal to her, do not take that next step

unless you are sure.

And second, and more importantly,

in 2009, I have done it two more times than you!

Give it up. What, what?!

Whoo!

Do not leave a brother hanging.

Whoo!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, uh, you ready for Larry King live tonight?

- You know it.

I cursed for three hours straight

just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch!

Oh...

- No, listen, we have a request.

Can you please try to remember to talk about TGS tonight?

- You only have to plug it once.

TGS, Fridays at 10:30 on NBC.

- You got it. NGS, Fridays at C30 on TB10.

- Thank you.

[Cell phone rings]

- Oh...

This says you're calling me. How is that possible?

Hello?

- This phone was left in my cab

by a woman wearing the shirt of a man.

- Oh, you left your phone in his car.

- Oh. Hi, I'm Liz. You have my phone?

- Yes. This is Asif.

I am in queens taxi dispatch in long island city.

You come. - Yes, I will, thank you.

- Hey, why do you have Tracy Jordan's phone number

in your address book?

- I work with him.

If you want, I could bring a signed photo.

- You bring $800, rich lady,

or I throw the phone away!

- What?! Oh, yeah, I'll definitely do that.

On opposite day!

- I'm new to this country. Is that a real thing?

- Hi, baby.

I got you something to remember me

while I'm in Puerto Rico.

It's a caricature of me on a skateboard.

- So I guess you're still planning on taking your trip?

- Well, I've been going home every winter

for the last 15 years.

I guess I could consider staying,

if I knew where this was going.

- And the woman talk begins. Well played.

Look, you know I'm serious about us.

We're great together. We're Jack and Elisa.

"Jalisa."

- That's really lame, Jack.

- Yeah, that was just a joke.

- I don't wanna get all Mark Anthony on you,

but I need to know how you feel.

- I love you.

I love you.

- I love you too, Jack Donaghy.

- Then you'll stay?

- Okay, I'll stay.

But if I have to give up my trip,

then I want us to spend that time together.

Just us... Jalisa.

Jonathan, clear my schedule for the next week,

starting with tonight.

- You won't be coming in at all?

But what about Jackonathan?

- I think tonight is going to be

a very special night, if you know what I mean.

- I think I do. Don't forget your skateboard.

- But then he scores a basket,

even though he's not a wolf anymore.

- We're here with Tracy Jordan,

who just recounted, by the way,

the entire plot of the movie teen wolf.

What? Oh, hold on, Tracy.

My producers are telling me there is breaking news.

The Asian financial markets have just opened

to a huge sell-off.

And we're gonna switch to that story right now.

- Good. I'm glad I'm here.

- Your thoughts, Tracy Jordan,

on how this is gonna impact Wall Street.

- Larry, I'm not an expert, but I do have a strong opinion.

New York, as we know it,

will no longer exist tomorrow.

- Expand on that.

- Look, I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbuck.

And if Wall Street crashes,

it'll be the 1970s all over again.

People will get mean. The streets won't be safe.

It'll be graffiti everywhere.

And the movies will only cost $3.

- Tracy Jordan, saying three serious things,

and then a joke.

[Ding]

- Oh, Jack, have you taken a gander

at the Asian markets?

The chuffa volatility index is off the charts.

- Well, good luck with that, jorgenson,

but I'm on vacation now. [Ding]

- But I have these papers.

- Hey, Jack. You you doing?

- Like a lion, ready to take its mate.

[Cell phone rings]

How are you calling me?

- Oh, I lost my phone, and this jagweed cabbie has it.

- Hey, stop harassing my friends, Asif.

- Hey, Liz...

I just wanted to let you know that

I found that special picture that you took with your phone.

- What picture? Oh, my god!

- Yes. That one.

- There's a picture on my phone.

An adult picture of me!

- What?! - Drew took it as a joke.

I'm making a face like this, like...

Why am I telling you this?!

- Top and bottom? May I speak with Asif?

- No. Okay, what do you want?

- 2,000 in cash,

or I email the picture to everyone in your address book.

- Have you been to Asia, Tracy?

- My work has taken me there.

I was supposed to be in that movie rush hour,

but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie chan.

- Okay, I'm going to get my phone.

- You're gonna pay that guy?

- Well, you know, I need my address book and stuff.

But I'm not going alone to meet some creep at a taxi garage.

Will one of you guys go with me?

- No, ma'am... good luck. - I would, but I don't want to.

- I will escort you, miss Lemon.

We pages are accustomed to danger.

- Thank you, Kenneth. Can you leave now?

This place is in queens.

- Oh, miss Lemon, I can't leave Manhattan

on page business.

NBC's insurance doesn't cover it.

I'll have to do this as a friend.

- Okay, fine. - Say it.

Say I'm your friend.

- Fine.

You're my friend, Kenneth. Let's go.

- The Mumbai stock exchange is now down

in early trading.

Is this panic becoming global?

Tracy Jordan, talk us through this.

- Larry, what everyone needs to do

is just take a deep breath, calm down,

and start preparing their bodies for the thunderdome.

That is the new law.

- That's my TV!

- This is as far as we can get by subway.

We need to find a cab.

- Oh, miss Lemon, this is a pretty bad neighborhood.

AAA...

Aah! Aah!

Oh, I just got tagged! Unh!

Mr. Jordan and Mr. Larry King are right.

New York isn't that safe anymore.

And I am not risking your life for a cell phone.

- It's not just the phone, Kenneth, it's what's on it.

- I don't understand.

What could be so important? [Gasps]

It wasn't something of sentimental value, was it?

- Yes, very sentimental.

It's a song... a lullaby that my Nana Lemon

used to sing to me every night.

- Oh, was it "the day is done, my sweet,

for the lambs have been decapitated"?

- No, it was a German song. She was German.

And my Nana got very sick recently,

and I went to visit her,

and I had her sing it for me one final time.

I recorded that song on my phone.

And I'm glad that I did because she died

a few hours later.

It was my birthday.

- Miss Lemon, I am so sorry.

Would you sing it for me?

- [Singing 99 luftballons in German]

- Stop.

Now that I know the reason we are doing this

is not only moral, but beautiful,

then I will not rest until I get my friend her phone.

- Okay, come on.

- That was amazing.

- Thank you.

I watched an American masters last night about Barishnikov.

I picked up a couple of ideas.

[Buzzer rings]

- Our Sushi.

No, no, no, no, no. I'll get it.

You'll need your rest. We're going again in 15.

Jack, you've got company.

- Jack, why aren't you answering your phone?

- What are you doing here? - People are freaking out

about this Asia thing, and we can't find Geiss.

- He's awol. Now everyone's looking to you, Jack.

- I don't care what's going on out there.

I'm staying here.

There are some things more important

than a stock quote crawling across a screen.

I am in love with this magnificent woman,

and there is no amount of money this company could lose

that would cause me to... yes, that's the amount.

I'll get dressed right now.

- Bill Hewitt, under secretary of the treasury,

what advice can you give our viewers

in these uncertain times?

- The worst thing you can do at a time like this

is to pull out your investments.

Don't panic because... - Devil's avocado here, Larry.

I think people should freak the geek out!

Withdraw all your money and hide it.

- Interesting strategy.

- It's what I've always done.

I hide cash everywhere.

At home, at church. Even at work.

In fact, I've hidden so much money

that if some of it was gone, I probably wouldn't even notice.

- Now, why would you say that?

- I don't know.

- Don't worry, miss Lemon, I'll protect you.

Ah... it's just...

No! Aah! Aah! [Crash]

Bad young men! Shame on you!

- What is going on with people?!

They took my wallet.

- Aww, is this your Nana Lemon?

- Yeah, she's the one we're doing this for.

She's dead. Come on.

- Wait, why is she wearing these glasses?

This is from new years,

but you said she died on your birthday.

That's in November.

- No, that's not a new year's thing.

That's the year she wanted to live to.

And she didn't make it.

- Sing that lullaby again.

- [99 luftballons in German]

- Keep going.

- ♪ Von 99 luftballons ♪ - I knew it!

That's 99 red balloons.

Nena's famous anti-balloon protest song.

You lied to me.

- Yeah, all right, I lied. So what!

You want the truth, Kenneth? You want the truth?!

- I can't handle the truth.

- There is an adult picture of me on that phone.

- Adult? You mean, like, you're driving a car

or wearing a suit?

- It's a boobies picture, Kenneth!

And I only kept it because for once

they were both pointing in the same direction!

I knew you wouldn't help me if I told you the truth.

- So you lied to me?

That's not something that friends do to each other.

- Well, then, maybe we're not friends.

- But we are. You said so before we left.

- You made me say that.

- Oh.

Well, then, I guess I'm here as a page,

and in violation of NBC's insurance policy.

I should probably head back to Manhattan.

- Good.

I don't need you...

Co-worker.

[Grumbles]

[Sighs]

- [Whispering] Did you get a hold of Geiss?

- No. - Did you try his mistress?

- Not there. - How 'bout his manstress?

- Nothing.

I think we should listen to Tracy Jordan

and panic, sir. - What?

- I'm saying the disneyfication of New York is over, everyone.

At the stroke of midnight,

your Lexus is gonna turn back into a high pile of rats

fighting over a human finger.

- Joining us on the phone is G.E. vice president

Jack Donaghy.

Jack, what's your outlook on all of this?

- I just want to preach caution, Larry.

If there were anything to worry about,

I would be at my office, instead of at home right now

with my beautiful girlfriend.

She's Latin.

- Expand on that.

- Look, my point is is that

some of the things that Tracy is saying

are just fanning the flames.

- Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy.

And that is an imposter.

Hang up. Hang up on him, Larry!

- I'm going to, but not because you told me.

Lincoln, Nebraska, you are on the air.

- So is this what you'd rather be doing

instead of spending time with me?

It smells like dude in here!

- I tried to call you. Why didn't you pick up?

- Because I'm sick of listening to you.

"Oh, I love you, Elisa."

This was all just another Jack Donaghy lie!

Like when you said you could dunk a basketball.

- I can on a regulation hoop.

Look, this is an emergency.

If I'm not here tonight...

- What? What's gonna happen?

People are gonna die? No.

You'll all just get poor, like the rest of us.

You'll eat cereal that comes in a bag,

and you'll keep the free hand wipes from the casino.

You might even have to spend some time with your children.

- Who is this woman?

Why isn't someone shutting her up?

- Why don't you just go back to my apartment,

and I will meet you there eventually.

- Don't worry about it.

I'm going to Puerto Rico!

- Elisa, don't do that. You don't understand.

What's happening here is a once in a lifetime thing.

- So am I.

- Boy, that was kind of neat how she just whoop...

Flipped your words around on you there.

Sorry.

- Forget it.

We're never gonna find Tracy's money.

- There's something under here.

Ha ha ha ha.

Aw, it's nothing but a bunch of tarantula food.

- What... I didn't Eve know Tracy had a tarantula.

- You know what, there's an easier way to do this.

- Our next caller is Pete from Manhattan.

Pete, what's your question? - Hey, Larry.

First-time caller. Adore the show.

- Hey, I'd recognize that voice anywhere, Larry.

That's my friend Peter frampton on the phone.

- Uh, sure. Listen, Tracy,

I love the idea of hiding cash at work.

Can you be more specific about where you hid your money?

- Of course, Pete.

I hid my money in the safest place at 30 rock.

Without giving it away,

the place I picked is very dry and warm.

Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft.

And although the location changes all the time,

the money stays in the same place.

- If you are just joining us, we're with Tracy Jordan,

who is giving guitar icon Peter frampton

enigmatic clues about a secret treasure.

Stay with us.

- Mr. Donaghy, this just arrived.

It's from Mr. Geiss.

- Everything's gonna be all right.

Geiss is back.

Jonathan, can we even play this thing?

Oh, yes. I keep a VCR

so I can watch your old football tapes.

- Jonathan, what is that camcorder for?

- Nothing. I don't know.

- Hello. If you're watching this,

you are an executive of the general electric corporation,

and the unthinkable is happening.

Capitalism is ending,

either because of the Soviets or something ridiculous,

like a woman president.

- God, he looks so young.

- I'm speaking to you in the year 1987,

but my message is timeless.

Avoid... the noid.

We've all worked hard, but now it's over.

There's only one thing for you to do.

Go to your loved ones.

Hold them close.

Because in the end, and if you're watching this,

it is the end.

Love is all that matters.

[Mumbling] Now, how the hell am I gonna

turn this damn thing off?

What's that gizmo?

[White noise static]

- Elisa?

I was about to do the whole run to the airport thing,

like Ross did on friends,

and Liz Lemon did in real life.

What are you doing here?

- The taxis want 500 bucks to go to JFK,

and the buses are worse!

Everything's gone cocoa for cuckoo-poops!

Is that right?

- Elisa, listen to me.

I meant everything I said, but I know that that's just words.

You want commitment? Here it is.

Let's get married.

- Jack... - I love you, Elisa.

And I don't want to be with anyone else.

Okay.

But I want a ring so big

that it gives me back problems.

- That's my phone. I'm Liz Lemon.

- Where is the $2,000? - I don't have it.

I lost all my money and my bank cards

and my retainer! Jeez!

Please, Asif, give me my phone.

- Maybe you could call a friend to get the money.

Or, wait.

Every number in the address book is a work number.

Work number, work number, work number.

You have no friends.

- Yes... I... am.

- Okay.

You have $2,000? - No.

- I'm gonna watch TV until you come up with my money.

Maybe you get it through sex trade.

You very pretty young thing.

- You're disgusting.

- I'm not talking to you.

- Frank, calm down! - Ugh!

- It's not in here.

- Ugh! Aah!

This isn't about the money!

This is about my own issues with Liz!

- Stop it!

- We have Peter frampton on the phone again.

- Come on, Tracy, just tell us where the money is!

Where's the safest place in 30 rock?

- Is that Pete? - I already told you.

It's dry and warm.

Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft.

And although the location changes,

it's always in the same place.

- There's nothing like that in 30 rock!

Nothing!

- I never said it was a thing.

- It's me.

I am the safest place in 30 rock.

I would thank you to give the lady

its cell phone back.

- Oh, thank you for coming back, Kenneth.

You're a good friend.

- You mean it? - Yes.

- Because I'm having an asbestos removal party

at my apartment on Sunday...

- Yeah, I'm in!

- Now that the U.S. markets have opened,

unaffected by the Asian meltdown,

many people are blaming the panic in New York last night

on one man... Tracy Jordan.

He is here with me now.

Tracy, a lot of people are calling you a fear monger,

and I am quoting here, "an idiot."

What do you have to say for yourself?

- Watch TGS, Fridays at 10:30 on NBC! Word!

- Good morning, Jonathan. - Good morning, sir.

Crazy night last night. Lots of emotions.

People getting carried away.

- Yes, it was a crazy night.

Is Elisa here? We're having a couples spa day.

- She came by earlier. She asked me to give you this.

She said to just press play.

- Hi, Jack. I'm on my way to Puerto Rico.

I'm sorry.

Yesterday was crazy. Lots of emotion.

I think maybe you asked me what you asked me

out of panic.

So I'm gonna go see my family,

and give us both a chance to think about everything.

Okay, I'll call you.

Adios, mi amor.

Now, how do you turn this damn thing off?

[Flute music]

- No!

That's personal!