All language subtitles for 30 Rock (2005) - S03E09 - Retreat to Move Forward.eng

Which of these pictures
do you like better?

Um,the one on the left?

So the wacky one.

Sure. What's the picture for?

I'm giving the keynote address at the company's six
sigma retreat to move forward in croton-on-hudson.

Is that like a corporate retreat?

I used to have to perform at those all the time
back when jenna and i were in that improv troupe.

The audience suggestion is
sling blade and oprah on a date.

I sure do like them french fried paters.

no,you don't,oprah.

Jenna is not a great improviser.

To be honest,lemon,uh, i'm a little
apprehensive about going to this thing.

I haven't seen a lot of these people
since the ceo debacle and my...

Time in the... Bush administration.

Yeah,jack,you never really told
me what happened in washington.

Please be gentle.

The point is a lot has happened
to me since the retreat last year.

So i hope that when i return, they
still think of me as the same guy.

- You've got camp jitters.
- What?

You haven't seen your little
business camp friends in a year,

And now you're afraid everybody's
gonna think you got weird.

Uh,lemon,the retreat to move forward is a
global meeting of ge's best and brightest.

Careers are made there.

It would be helpful to have
someone with me who's got my back.

Ugh,no. Don't make me
be your camp friend.

I hate those corporate things.

Bunch of drunk people
talking about synergy.

First of all, never badmouth synergy.

And i'm asking you
to do this as a favor.

Oh,fine! I'll go. For you.

- As long as this place has a spa...
- They do.

Where you are allowed
to eat in the sauna.

Because at some places, they get mad.

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30 Rock
Season03 Episode09

Writers,we need to gather
for an actor announcement.

As you probably know, i have been
cast in an upcoming feature film.

Is it a movie where you swap
brains with your granddaughter?

No,frank.

I will be plinocgk janis joplin.

Or depending on how some
legal matters pan out,

A janis joplin-type character
named janet jopler or janie jimplin.

Why are you telling us this?

Because i will be employing
the "method" method of acting.

So for the next few weeks, i will
only reon to "janis" or "miss joplin."

If you're nasty.

If anyone has anything to say to
me,jenna, now would be your last chance.

Oh,your hands are weird.

I don't think you went to high school.

I'm not busy friday. I just said i was.

Okay. I am janis now.

You are all saying those
things to janis joplin.

The veil is drawn.

You should do your janis
research on wikipedia.

It's online, so anyone can update it.

You know,'cause people are finding out
new things about janis joplin every day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh,thank you,frank. Wikipedia.

I'm gonna check that out.

Okay,i'm on wikipedia. Edit page.

Did you know that janis joplin speed
walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets?

I ve heard that. Yes.

Was she really?

So how am i lookin', dr. Spaceman?

Well,tracy,i-i don't
know how to say this.

Well,now we know what
we're dealing with.

Unless you make some
serious lifestyle changes,

You're in danger of becoming diabetic.

So how bad is diabetes, really?

It's quite serious.

If left untreated,
you could lose a foot.

Could i replace it with a wheel,
like rosie fromthe jetsons?

I suppose.

But then you'd have to
register as a motor vehicle.

Well,buddy,here we go. Bases
loaded. Bottom of thninth.

Are you gonna step up? Oh,yeah.

Because it's winning time,
you magnificent son of a bitch!

You go in there and show them.

Make mommy proud of her big
boy because he's the best.

Just do it. Is it in you? I'm loving it!

Are you okay?

Oh,i'm sorry, i was just,uh...

Were you psyching
yourself up in the mirror?

I do that sometimes before i go to a
party where i don't know a lot of people.

Stop sweating,you idiot.

What is wrong with
you, you stupid bitch!

I wish you hadn't sn that.

It's okay. Now you're ready to
get in there. You're psyched up.

You got your camp buddy. Just do it.

You are a lion. Take what's yours.

There they are the
six sigmas themselves.

They're dudes?

Each of them embodies a pillar of
the six sigma business philosophy.

Teamwork.

Insight.

Brutality.

Male enhancement.

Handshakefulness.

And play hard.

Wish me luck.

Men,if i'd known your wives were
alone, i would've stayed in new york.

Jack donaghy. We've been waiting
all day for you to show up.

- Uh,this is my friend-- - guys over in
war machines have been dying to see you.

The finulus data sugst r ocwe should be
leveraging disintermediation paradigms.

Well,obviously, the finular analysis will concur
with any synergized mindshare classifications.

Bladorian frankles.

I'm liz.

I'm prashant. This is joan.
We're m-7s. What level are you?

Ohno i'm just here with
my friend. Or i was.

So you're like a g or an h?

No,i'm not part of
this. I'm not any letter.

J?

Morning,mr. Jordan. What's
that on your foot,sir?

It's a practice wheel for when
i lose my foot to diabetes.

You can't eat candy
if you have diabetes.

There's no link between
diabetes and diet.

That's a white myth,ken.

Like larry bird or colorado.

It's not a myth.

Gentlemen, back me up here.

I don't know.

My dad had diabetes, and he ate whatever he
wanted until he died on the day i was born.

How do you not see the connection?

You know, there's a conspiracy
theory that after the civil war,

the u.s.government spread false
information about diabetes--

- Word. - To keep the newly-freed
slaves sluggish and docile.

- And i heard that from yusef jackson.
- Which is why to this day,

most african americans don't understand that
diabetes is caused by sleeping on your back.

I don't think that's right.

Diabetes and diet.

Next you'll be telling me that leasi
a sports car is a bad investment!

Hey,nice suit, squaresville.
Where's the bank?

What can i do for you miss... Jimplin?

Well,according to my wikipedia
page, i'm gonna need some crrjuice,

Buttermilk,and tequila to make my signature
janis joplin cocktail, the frankschlong.

Good grief.

Hey,jack, where you been hiding?

Oh,lemon,there you are.
I'm sorry i got distracted.

Yeah. Se your camp buddy.

I know. It's going great. I'm actually
joining the six sigmas for lunch.

Oh,okay. I like lunch.

Right. Yes. Well... Join us.

Okay.

What is this?

It's l.u.n.c.h.lego utilization
for negating cris hierarchies.

It's a competive teambuilding exercise

where one person directs his teammates
in the construction of a lego model

That only he can see.

Lemon,why don't you join team donaghy?

We'll win this thing, and
then we'll go to c.l.a.s.

I don't want to go to a class.

No,lemon,c.l.a.s. It's an acronym for
"consuming lunch and simple socializing."

now that just seems
intentionally confusing.

K.

What's up with this disgusting stuff?

Mr. Jordan, i've seen too many folks back
home die of diabetes and go-kart accidents

to sit idly By while
you ruin your health.

You need teat better.

N- o-e.
No. E.

Okay,mr. Jordan. Whatever you like.

I just hope don't you get
eaten by the hill witch.

Hmm? What's that?

I didn't say anything.

Oh,you want to hear
tell of the hill witch?

My meemaw saw her once taking away a
boy who wouldn't eat his vegetables.

She's a shriveled
crone, 1,000 years old.

One look turns you to stone, and
then she gorges your living brain.

Through the stone?

Really,ken? That was your plan.

Doubt me if you dare.

But beware the omens of her coming.

Crops will fail.

Animals will run wild.

And my page desk will
be turned sideways.

frank,you have got to check out maroney.

Ur wikipedia prank is inspired.

Okay,janis did it.

You can do it.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna eat this cat.

Janis,don't! That's
fromalf. Alf ate cats.

What?

I put all that stuff on wikipedia.

None of it's true.

W-- why would
you do that?

I'm sorry. I didn't know you
were gonna take it so seriously.

Well,of course i'm taking it seriously.

This is my chance to win an oscar.

The academy loves dead singers and
the handicapped, and janis was both.

No,she wasn't. Her
legs bent the right way.

What?

I speed walked home on these.

You pathetic load!

You mess with me because
your life is miserable.

Because you're disgusting!

What?

Nothing. Just,you're
yellin' at me. You're a mess.

You're joplined out on tequila.
It's kinda workin' for me.

Are you turned on right
now? What is wrong with you?

I've got a thing for damaged goods.

But if you can get this raw
in the movie, you are gonna win

really?

Two minutes.

Don't stop talking,
jack. Always be talking!

Hands in pockets,joan.
Prashant,your job is to watch joan.

Say something,haircut.

Well,you can't have more wheels
on one side than the other.

Uh-doyee!

It goes on top. It's a smokestack.

Yeah!

Suck it,nerds!

- What happened to you, donaghy?
- What do you mean?

That woman is a subordinate of yours.

Her behavior is totally inappropriate.

Familiarity. Nicknameification.

And you seem to encourage it.

Well,lemon is unique.

Okay.

But the old jack donaghy
wouldn't have stood for that.

Sorry! I dropped it when i
was pretending it was my penis!

Robot penis.

We won!

Oh,hey,jenna.

Um,about last night...

Oh,god.

I just want to make sure you
haven't told anyone what happened.

I have a lot of irons
in the fire around he.

You'll keep it to yourself, right?

Oh,yes. Of course. Thank you.

Yeah.

Wait. I'm sorry. You don't
want people to know about us?

Oh,god,no. I mean, it's so embarrassing.

Yeah,for me. You should
want to brag about it.

Don't worry about that. Last
night was stupid. Stupid,frank!

No,last night was the best thing
that's ever happened to you.

It was my mistake, not yours.

I'm the one who had to take the
silkwood shower this morning.

Okay,fine. Whatever. But
you'll be cool about this?

You... The one... Who cool... Should be.

Oh,all right. Cool.

Wha-- what the
hell was that?

First of all, ere's an
omelet bar downstairs.

So you should probably
go get yourself an omelet.

Second,i want to see if your
room is bigger than mine.

Oh,you have a sitting area? You jag.

Uh,please come in.

Lemon,i give u a certain
amount of leeway at work.

But while we're here, i need
you to behave appropriately.

What are you talking about?

Well,the,uh,nicknames, the
arm punching, the familiarity.

The way you were behaving at l.u.n.c.h.

You can't say "uh-doyee"
to me in mixed company.

Okay.

So when i helped you win that lego thing--
when i thought we were having fun together,

I was actually embarrassing
you, is that right,jack?

While we're here,i need
you to call me mr. Donaghy.

I get it.

You broughme here in case you need me.

But now that you have your
cool six sigma friends,

I can go back to the lake with
the fat kids and make bracelets.

Lemon,you know how important this
is to me. I've got my speech tonight.

Yeah,don't worry. I get boundaries.

Ooh,sorry,liz,my parent's basement
only has room for five sleeping bags.

Or,no,i'll come over after prom
and we'll make nachos together.

Lemon,this is a part of our problem.

I give you a simple managerial
suggestion in a professional context,

And i get back the second
half of a judy blume novel.

Whatever. This place is dumb.

We're gonna be back at work tomorrow.

Let's not make this bigger than it is.

Too late. Friendship over.

Good lor

like a waitress.

Mr. Jordan,i am begging you,
as a friend,to eat better.

I just don't want to see
anything bad happen to you.

I'm fine,ken.

I have so much energy,
my hand keeps dancin'.

I just don't know what has
to happen for you to start--

oh,no!The signs!

Myesk is sideways!

The hill witch approaches.

Dudes,the craziest thing
happened to me last night.

You're not gonna believe it.

But i found the secret skate
park ingrand theft auto iv!

Ce.

Are you seriously
talking about video games?

Oh,hey,jenna. What's up?

How dare you? How dare
you be cool about this.

Frank and i hooked up last night,okay?

Oh,stop acting like you're ashamed.

I'm the one who's ashamed.
It dgusting, right?

I slutted it up on this dirtbag.

It is disgusting.

Thank you,lutz.

Jenna,this is a mistake.

No. Last night was a mistake.

This is a victory for
hot women everywhere.

So what are we doin' after this?

Uh,prashant and i have plans.

Did you guys hook up?

What happens in croton-on-hudson
stays in croton-on-hudson.

Uh,mi i do still have a
seat at my table up front.

No,thank you, mr.
Donaghy. I'm happier here.

- Prashant,that is my foot.
- My wrongness.

'Scuse me,mr. Donaghy.

I need to put a microphone
on you for your speech.

I can't believe you don't
want to sit with jack donaghy.

He's not that great.
You guys are my friends.

We should start calling
ourselves the three musketeers.

Not.

That's a good one, prashant.

So i heard about you and frank.

Ugh,i know. It's hard to believe.

Now dog the bounty hunter's the
second grossest guy i've been with.

You shouldn't have done
that with frank,jenna.

Tell me about it.

Because he'smine!

Wait,what are you doing?

Why is my scalp burning more than usual?

I told you not to tell anyone!

Ow,what are you doing to my hair?

You stay away from mfrocankk!

Who is with my frank?

Katie. Euzebia. Please,let me explain.

What is this?

Eat your vegetables.

Damn,k,that is weak!

I'm a
40-year-old man!

You think i'm gonna be scared into
eating some stuff because of some--

Look at me! I'm a monster!

Oh,hill witch, i renounce everything!

Cover your brain!

Oh,come on,guys.

Okay,uh,your microphone is all set.

I'll come back right before
your speech to turn it on.

And thanks for being so cool with me.

This is my first day.

No problem.

Well,buddy,here we go. Bottom
of the ninth. Bases loaded.

Oh,yeah. It's winning time,
you magnificent son of a bitch!

What is that?

It's his psych-up speech.

He doesn't know his microphone is on.

- We gotta tell him.
- Why would we?

When a big one falls,
four littlones move up.

You go in there and show
those turds who's boss.

Make mommy proud of her big
boy because he's the best!

Just do it. Is it in you? I'm loving it!

Just don't say your name, jack.
Please don't say your name.

You are jack donaghy.
Titan. Maverick. Lover.

'Scuse me. Where is the bathroom?

Your mic is on in the ballroom.

What?

- How much did they hear?
- Everything.

Oh,god,i'm ruined.

I'm never gonna live this down.

They're gonna talk about this forever.

No,no,no. I'll help
you. It's gonna be okay.

I got nothin'.

What's up,s sigma?

It's liz lemon from the
entertainment division.

I just fooled y'all with
my jack donaghy impression,

Where i say crazy things
that he would never say.

So let's maximize our
fun quadrant tonight.

Shout out any other prsion you want
to hear and i-- i'll do it. I dare ya.

- Do jack donaghy again!
- No. What else?

- How about cher? Do cher!
- Al pacino!

I believe i heard sling blade!

Mm,i love them french fried pataters.

Get off!

What's that? Mrs.
Cunningm fromhappy days?

Oh,howard. Oh,arthur.

What's your name,guy?

Dave.

And what's the craziest thing that's
happened to you this weekend,dave?

Hearing jack donaghy
talk on that microphone.

Well,uh,not anymore,
'cause check this out.

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

lemon,that was heroic.

And i think it actually worked.

A lot of people from the conference emailed me to
ask if i was there when the bra lady went crazy.

They completely forgot
about me, so thank you.

Sure.

And i think it goes without saying that
you are banned from any future retreats

i can't believe you did that for me.

That's what friends do, jack.

Uh-doyee!