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1
00:00:06,295 --> 00:00:07,353
Good morning, Jack.
2
00:00:07,497 --> 00:00:09,658
Lemon, I'm helping to organize
a little fund-raising dinner
3
00:00:09,803 --> 00:00:11,031
for John McCain
this weekend,
4
00:00:11,172 --> 00:00:12,662
and I need
some women to attend
5
00:00:12,809 --> 00:00:15,107
so it doesn't turn into
another giant sausagefest.
6
00:00:15,247 --> 00:00:16,407
Well, I don't kno...
7
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:19,110
What's the Committee
to Re-lnvade Vietnam?
8
00:00:19,255 --> 00:00:20,347
Just say you'll come.
9
00:00:20,491 --> 00:00:21,458
Jonathan's going
to round up
10
00:00:21,593 --> 00:00:23,060
all the cool
Republican celebrities.
11
00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:25,392
Like who? Chuck Norris?
12
00:00:25,535 --> 00:00:26,729
No, C-Nor and I
had a falling-out
13
00:00:26,871 --> 00:00:28,532
after I switched
to another dojo.
14
00:00:28,675 --> 00:00:30,870
Ah, well, sorry,
but I'm not giving anybody money
15
00:00:31,014 --> 00:00:32,743
until there's
campaign finance reform.
16
00:00:32,884 --> 00:00:34,977
Also, I'm saving up money
for a new humidifier.
17
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,147
It's the same model
that's keeping Larry King alive.
18
00:00:37,292 --> 00:00:39,317
Oh, and I want you to book
the Subway Hero onto the show.
19
00:00:39,464 --> 00:00:42,058
Who?
The Subway Hero.
20
00:00:42,203 --> 00:00:43,363
Do you not watch the news?
21
00:00:43,506 --> 00:00:45,565
Food Network doesn't have
a news show.
22
00:00:45,710 --> 00:00:47,473
This guy
stepped in front of a train
23
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,913
to save a total stranger
who had fallen on the tracks.
24
00:00:50,053 --> 00:00:51,145
He pulled him
between the rails,
25
00:00:51,288 --> 00:00:52,687
and the train missed
their heads by inches.
26
00:00:52,825 --> 00:00:54,349
Wow!
That's amazing.
I know.
27
00:00:54,495 --> 00:00:56,895
Every show wants a guest
appearance by the Subway Hero.
28
00:00:57,034 --> 00:00:59,264
But...
we have an advantage.
29
00:00:59,405 --> 00:01:00,133
We do?
30
00:01:01,176 --> 00:01:02,905
For his exceptional courage,
31
00:01:03,046 --> 00:01:07,005
the city of New York bestows
the Bronze Medallion
32
00:01:07,155 --> 00:01:08,952
on Dennis Duffy.
33
00:01:09,093 --> 00:01:10,287
Oh, no.
34
00:01:11,464 --> 00:01:12,453
Thank you,
Mayor Bloomberger.
35
00:01:12,599 --> 00:01:15,432
I accept this honor
on behalf of every...
36
00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:17,564
Stern rules!
Baba Booey!
37
00:01:17,710 --> 00:01:19,405
No, no.
No, no, no.
38
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:20,514
Oh, yes.
39
00:01:20,649 --> 00:01:23,743
Dennis Duffy... beeper salesman
and your ex-boyfriend.
40
00:01:23,890 --> 00:01:25,585
And "Dateline" predator.
41
00:01:25,727 --> 00:01:27,126
Exonerated
"Dateline" predator.
42
00:01:27,263 --> 00:01:29,163
The whole thing was one big,
silly misunderstanding,
43
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:30,824
like the Giuliani campaign.
44
00:01:30,971 --> 00:01:32,461
No way!
Forget about it!
45
00:01:32,608 --> 00:01:33,575
Lemon, be professional.
46
00:01:33,710 --> 00:01:35,678
We all have to work with people
we hate sometimes.
47
00:01:35,814 --> 00:01:39,272
Jonathan, why don't you
put on more of that cologne?
48
00:01:39,421 --> 00:01:41,412
When I say "subway,"
you say "hero"!
49
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,458
Subway!
50
00:01:42,595 --> 00:01:43,823
Hero?
51
00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:06,974
I now declare this store open
for all mankind.
52
00:02:07,112 --> 00:02:08,079
Dennis!
53
00:02:10,853 --> 00:02:12,115
Hey, dummy.
54
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:14,384
Dennis.
I knew you'd be back.
55
00:02:14,528 --> 00:02:15,859
Yeah, I'm not back.
56
00:02:15,998 --> 00:02:18,193
Jack sent me
because he wants you on "TGS."
57
00:02:18,336 --> 00:02:19,530
No way.
This is fate.
58
00:02:19,672 --> 00:02:22,072
You swore to me that you
would never see me again.
59
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:24,940
But this whole crazy, on-again,
off-again Dennis-Liz thing...
60
00:02:25,084 --> 00:02:26,051
It just
can't be stopped.
61
00:02:26,186 --> 00:02:29,178
No, we don't have
a crazy thing.
62
00:02:29,325 --> 00:02:31,759
Yeah, we do. We're like Ross
and Rachel but just not gay.
63
00:02:31,897 --> 00:02:34,195
Can I borrow
those giant scissors?
64
00:02:34,336 --> 00:02:35,496
We always knew this would
happen, didn't we?
65
00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:36,799
I mean,
that I would be somebody.
66
00:02:36,941 --> 00:02:39,068
I just can't believe
it's happening because of this
67
00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:40,441
and not because
of my band.
68
00:02:40,582 --> 00:02:43,346
I-I-I just wanna rock?
69
00:02:43,488 --> 00:02:45,251
Yeah, well, you have had
some fame before.
70
00:02:45,392 --> 00:02:46,416
You were on "Dateline."
71
00:02:46,561 --> 00:02:48,756
Whoa, hey!
I knew you were gonna say that.
72
00:02:48,899 --> 00:02:51,629
That is so unfair!
I knew that girl was 18.
73
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,899
She told me that
her last boyfriend was Asian,
74
00:02:54,044 --> 00:02:56,103
and that crap doesn't start
until college.
75
00:02:56,248 --> 00:02:58,375
Do you want
to do the show or not?
76
00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:01,421
I don't know.
You know?
77
00:03:01,559 --> 00:03:03,993
Getting lots of offers
from news and dancing programs.
78
00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:06,998
But how can I say no to you,
right?
79
00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:10,231
I mean, maybe we should just see
where this crazy
80
00:03:10,377 --> 00:03:13,540
Dennis-Liz roller-coaster ride
takes us, huh?
81
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,835
Jonathan?
82
00:03:23,972 --> 00:03:24,961
Who is this?
83
00:03:25,108 --> 00:03:27,406
Oh!
It's Bucky Bright, sir.
84
00:03:27,546 --> 00:03:30,276
He was a major TV star
in the '40s, '50s,
85
00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:31,681
and the fall of 1972,
86
00:03:31,821 --> 00:03:33,914
and he's your
Republican celebrity
87
00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:35,027
for the McCain dinner.
88
00:03:35,162 --> 00:03:36,220
Uh-huh.
Good to see you.
89
00:03:36,364 --> 00:03:37,661
What happened
to Bruce Willis?
90
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,768
He insists on singing.
91
00:03:38,903 --> 00:03:40,336
Jim Belushi?
He insists on singing.
92
00:03:40,473 --> 00:03:42,532
Good God, when did the party
become so boring?
93
00:03:42,677 --> 00:03:44,338
The Democrats have
all the good celebrities.
94
00:03:44,481 --> 00:03:46,676
Mr. Donaghy,
this was delivered to...
95
00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:49,220
Son of a married couple!
Bucky Bright!
96
00:03:49,358 --> 00:03:50,825
You know who this is?
97
00:03:50,961 --> 00:03:51,928
Who doesn't?
98
00:03:52,063 --> 00:03:54,258
Most people. But let me
ask you a question, Kenneth.
99
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:57,200
If Mr. Bright here
told you to vote Republican,
would you do it?
100
00:03:57,341 --> 00:03:58,365
Oh, uh, no, sir.
101
00:03:58,510 --> 00:04:00,307
I don't vote Republican
or Democrat.
102
00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:03,349
Choosing is a sin, so I always
just write in the Lord's name.
103
00:04:03,488 --> 00:04:05,513
That's Republican.
We count those.
104
00:04:05,659 --> 00:04:07,320
Well, I don't know whether
you know it or not,
105
00:04:07,463 --> 00:04:08,930
but I used to do
the old soft-shoe
106
00:04:09,066 --> 00:04:10,761
at all
the Eisenhower rallies.
107
00:04:11,805 --> 00:04:13,102
1, 2...
108
00:04:13,241 --> 00:04:15,141
I'm sorry to have wasted
your time, Mr. Bright.
109
00:04:15,278 --> 00:04:16,540
Kenneth here
will show you out.
Oh.
110
00:04:16,682 --> 00:04:17,979
Thank you.
111
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,798
Boy, 30 Rock.
Mm.
112
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:28,425
Stories I could tell
about this place.
113
00:04:28,573 --> 00:04:30,803
Eh, nobody wants to listen
to me anymore.
114
00:04:30,944 --> 00:04:35,347
Oh, Mr. Bright, I would love
to hear about the good old days.
115
00:04:35,487 --> 00:04:36,954
Well, it was different
back then, I'll tell you.
116
00:04:37,091 --> 00:04:38,854
Yes, sir, boy,
they were classy.
117
00:04:38,995 --> 00:04:40,690
Yeah.
Yeah, it was.
118
00:04:40,832 --> 00:04:43,824
We didn't have any of those
shirts with words on them
119
00:04:43,971 --> 00:04:45,802
or dungarees
or anything like that.
120
00:04:45,942 --> 00:04:47,102
No, sirree.
121
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,770
Men came to work...
ties and hats.
122
00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:51,351
That's so elegant.
Yeah.
123
00:04:51,487 --> 00:04:53,751
And you had tailor-made suits
and a little place here
124
00:04:53,892 --> 00:04:56,383
for a little carnation
in your lapel.
125
00:04:56,531 --> 00:04:58,499
And an inside
monogrammed pocket, you know,
126
00:04:58,635 --> 00:05:01,069
for your opium pipe
and your switchblade.
127
00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:03,870
I'm sorry... what, now?
128
00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:06,072
Say, why don't you show me
around the old studio?
129
00:05:06,217 --> 00:05:07,684
Okay.
130
00:05:08,389 --> 00:05:11,119
These things
are so bad for me.
131
00:05:11,262 --> 00:05:14,754
400% of my sodium?
I should not be eating these.
132
00:05:14,903 --> 00:05:16,495
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you
133
00:05:16,639 --> 00:05:18,072
the bravest New Yorker
since Bernie Goetz,
134
00:05:18,209 --> 00:05:19,540
Mr. Dennis Duffy.
135
00:05:19,679 --> 00:05:21,704
Yeah!
136
00:05:23,988 --> 00:05:24,920
What's with the trophy?
137
00:05:25,056 --> 00:05:27,388
It's the Stanley Cup, honey.
It's hockey's ultimate prize.
138
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:30,122
And me and it... We're teaming
up to fight illiteracy.
139
00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:33,634
Wow. I never would
have had the guts to
do what that dude did.
140
00:05:33,775 --> 00:05:35,140
You don't know that.
I do know.
141
00:05:35,277 --> 00:05:37,370
I've watched seven different
people die in subway stations.
142
00:05:37,516 --> 00:05:39,313
So, Dennis, tell us what
it was like in the moment.
143
00:05:39,453 --> 00:05:40,420
What was going
through your mind?
144
00:05:40,555 --> 00:05:42,045
You know,
it was all instinct, Jack?
145
00:05:42,192 --> 00:05:43,159
My mind, it was so clear.
146
00:05:43,294 --> 00:05:44,921
All I could think about
was Derek Jeter.
147
00:05:45,065 --> 00:05:46,555
And it was like,
"Check this out, Jeter.
148
00:05:46,702 --> 00:05:47,930
You think
you're better than me?
149
00:05:48,071 --> 00:05:49,060
Huh?"
150
00:05:49,206 --> 00:05:50,104
Ahh! Ahh!?
151
00:05:50,243 --> 00:05:51,642
Oh, yeah!
152
00:05:51,779 --> 00:05:53,041
Yeah!
153
00:05:55,653 --> 00:05:58,144
Wow.
So you brought Dennis back.
154
00:05:58,292 --> 00:05:59,589
Only 'cause Jack made me.
155
00:05:59,729 --> 00:06:02,698
It's just that you said,
"Never again," but here he is.
156
00:06:02,835 --> 00:06:04,894
You said, "I don't know
what I see in that guy."
157
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,530
But I was there
when you two met.
158
00:06:06,676 --> 00:06:09,201
You do have
this weird connection.
159
00:06:09,348 --> 00:06:11,578
Ugh, why is this movie
called "The Hours"
160
00:06:11,721 --> 00:06:13,621
when it feels
so much longer?
161
00:06:13,758 --> 00:06:15,385
They should call
this thing "The Weeks."
162
00:06:15,528 --> 00:06:17,393
Shh. Shh.
Shh. Shh.
163
00:06:17,532 --> 00:06:18,760
Hi.
164
00:06:20,705 --> 00:06:22,639
"The Weeks."
165
00:06:22,777 --> 00:06:24,244
Liz, listen to me.
166
00:06:24,379 --> 00:06:26,870
Dennis is like those
off-brand Mexican cheetos.
167
00:06:27,018 --> 00:06:28,485
My Sabor De Soledad?
168
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:30,886
I only have Spanish delis
in my neighborhood.
169
00:06:31,027 --> 00:06:32,392
You know
those are bad for you,
170
00:06:32,530 --> 00:06:34,054
but you keep stuffing them
in your mouth
171
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,394
because it's easier
to do that
172
00:06:35,536 --> 00:06:36,867
than to bother
to eat well.
173
00:06:37,006 --> 00:06:38,564
That's a weak metaphor.
174
00:06:38,710 --> 00:06:41,873
You deserve a good meal,
Liz.
175
00:06:42,016 --> 00:06:43,813
Subway Hero!
176
00:06:45,123 --> 00:06:46,351
Subway Hero!
177
00:06:48,062 --> 00:06:49,120
Subway Hero!
178
00:06:49,265 --> 00:06:51,256
Tracy!
My friend.
179
00:06:51,403 --> 00:06:52,870
Have you ever considered
180
00:06:53,006 --> 00:06:55,133
becoming the celebrity face
of the Republican Party?
181
00:06:55,278 --> 00:06:57,712
What?!
Hell, no!
182
00:06:57,849 --> 00:07:00,044
Black people
supporting Republicans?
183
00:07:00,188 --> 00:07:03,817
Does hot support cold?
Does rain support the Earth?
184
00:07:03,962 --> 00:07:05,293
Now, that misperception
185
00:07:05,432 --> 00:07:08,424
is precisely why the GOP needs
better celebrities.
186
00:07:08,572 --> 00:07:10,472
And a black celebrity,
such as yourself,
187
00:07:10,609 --> 00:07:12,099
would really make us
look good.
188
00:07:12,246 --> 00:07:14,077
Now, do you like
lower taxes?
189
00:07:14,217 --> 00:07:15,650
If I paid taxes,
I sure would.
190
00:07:15,787 --> 00:07:17,414
How about gun ownership?
Go on.
191
00:07:17,557 --> 00:07:19,491
States' rights?
I love states' rights!
192
00:07:19,628 --> 00:07:23,086
And let none of us forget that
the GOP is the party of Lincoln.
193
00:07:23,236 --> 00:07:24,533
Lincoln was
a Republican?
194
00:07:24,671 --> 00:07:26,730
Actually,
today's Republican Party
195
00:07:26,877 --> 00:07:28,139
would be unrecognizable
to Lincoln.
196
00:07:28,279 --> 00:07:29,371
He fought a war
197
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,380
to preserve federal authority
over the states.
198
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,952
That's not exactly
small government.
199
00:07:33,089 --> 00:07:35,114
Dot Com,
this need you have
200
00:07:35,261 --> 00:07:37,388
to be the smartest guy
in the room is...
201
00:07:37,531 --> 00:07:39,226
Off-putting.
202
00:07:39,369 --> 00:07:42,236
I guess that's why
I'm still single.
203
00:07:43,711 --> 00:07:44,575
Damn.
204
00:07:44,713 --> 00:07:46,772
The Republican Party sounds
pretty attuned
205
00:07:46,918 --> 00:07:48,249
to my unique way of life.
206
00:07:48,388 --> 00:07:51,323
But I'd be turning my back
on my people to support it.
207
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:55,328
You put me in a quandary,
Jack Donaghy.
208
00:07:55,469 --> 00:07:56,868
A quandary.
209
00:07:59,711 --> 00:08:02,009
Back then we didn't have pages,
you know.
210
00:08:02,150 --> 00:08:03,879
We had what we called
"sandwich girls."
211
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,647
Oh, because they got
you sandwiches?
212
00:08:05,791 --> 00:08:07,850
No, no, no.
Two guys would get...
213
00:08:07,995 --> 00:08:09,690
Hey, my old dressing room.
214
00:08:09,832 --> 00:08:11,595
You know,
that reminds me...
215
00:08:11,736 --> 00:08:12,896
"For 5 bucks, I will."
216
00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:19,212
Hey, dummy,
I was just telling these dummies
217
00:08:19,352 --> 00:08:21,912
how we used to go to the park
and make fun of all the joggers.
218
00:08:22,057 --> 00:08:24,548
Oh, yeah.
"I'm gonna run in a circle
so I can live longer!"
219
00:08:24,696 --> 00:08:25,788
Hold on a second.
220
00:08:25,932 --> 00:08:27,456
Who orders a salad
from a burger joint?
221
00:08:27,602 --> 00:08:29,695
You watching your figure,
there, sweetheart?
222
00:08:29,841 --> 00:08:31,570
What, are you gearing up
for swimsuit season?
223
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:32,735
Very funny.
224
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,211
"Very funny"?
How would you know?
225
00:08:37,256 --> 00:08:39,417
We used to call this
the Jew Room.
226
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,255
Here. Here's some lettuce
from my burger.
227
00:08:43,568 --> 00:08:45,126
Hey, chief,
the kid's birthday party
228
00:08:45,272 --> 00:08:46,739
that hired
the Urkel impersonator
229
00:08:46,876 --> 00:08:47,843
is down around the hall.
230
00:08:48,813 --> 00:08:51,213
Are you gonna cry?
Yeah, she's gonna cry.
231
00:08:52,754 --> 00:08:56,121
Hey. Hey, Frank...
Give her some lettuce.
232
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,809
Elizabeth Conworthy Lemon.
233
00:09:04,946 --> 00:09:06,311
Okay, that's not
my middle name.
234
00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:07,439
Explain this.
235
00:09:07,585 --> 00:09:11,021
"Subway Hero Dennis Duffy
and actress Sally Field"?
236
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:13,992
Entertaining a guest of the show
is called being professional.
237
00:09:14,132 --> 00:09:16,965
It wasn't a date or whatever.
I paid for dinner.
238
00:09:17,106 --> 00:09:18,573
You always paid
for Dennis.
239
00:09:18,708 --> 00:09:21,268
He can't get credit cards,
Jenna,
240
00:09:21,414 --> 00:09:23,974
because his cousin Teddy
used Dennis' Social
241
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,247
to get a cellphone
that Teddy then couldn't pay for
242
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,586
because this Indian guy
that he was working for...
243
00:09:28,729 --> 00:09:29,627
You know what?
244
00:09:29,764 --> 00:09:31,629
I don't have to explain myself
to you.
245
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:34,705
Oh. Sir.
Hmm?
246
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:35,774
You're back.
247
00:09:35,911 --> 00:09:36,775
Well, I never left.
248
00:09:36,913 --> 00:09:38,039
Uh, actually,
249
00:09:38,182 --> 00:09:40,582
I just wandered
around the building all night.
250
00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:43,212
I didn't run into another
single living soul.
251
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:47,421
Except one
gigantic lesbian.
252
00:09:48,336 --> 00:09:51,772
Who is Conan O'Brien, and...
why is she so sad?
253
00:09:53,046 --> 00:09:56,140
We didn't light it,
but we tried to fight it?
254
00:09:56,287 --> 00:09:59,723
Birth control, Ho Chi Minh,
Richard Nixon... Nixon...?
255
00:09:59,861 --> 00:10:01,761
Nixon... Nixon... Nixon...
Nixon... Nixon... Nixon...?
256
00:10:01,898 --> 00:10:03,832
Nixon... Nixon... Nixon...
Nixon... Nixon... Nixon...?
257
00:10:03,969 --> 00:10:05,698
Nixon... Nixon... Nixon...
Nixon... Nixon...?
258
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:16,453
What is this place?
259
00:10:16,596 --> 00:10:19,326
It's... purgatory, Tracy.
260
00:10:19,468 --> 00:10:20,332
Richard Nixon?
261
00:10:20,470 --> 00:10:21,596
Oh.
262
00:10:21,739 --> 00:10:23,604
I can't believe
I'm dead.
263
00:10:23,743 --> 00:10:26,473
There was still so much left
on my bucket list.
264
00:10:26,616 --> 00:10:29,414
So many different kind of
buckets I wanted to own.
265
00:10:29,556 --> 00:10:30,750
Buckets.
266
00:10:30,891 --> 00:10:32,324
It's never too late,
Tracy.
267
00:10:32,462 --> 00:10:35,090
You can't die now.
Your party needs you.
268
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:38,203
We've lost some prestige because
of the Bush administration.
269
00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:40,035
And Watergate.
Uh-bup-bup-bup-bup.
270
00:10:40,177 --> 00:10:43,578
I'm trying to keep that
on the DL around here.
271
00:10:43,718 --> 00:10:45,948
Look, I know you're
worried about this.
272
00:10:46,089 --> 00:10:48,455
But there's a long history
of black entertainers
273
00:10:48,595 --> 00:10:49,823
supporting the GOP.
274
00:10:49,965 --> 00:10:52,934
Just ask my old friend
Sammy Davis Jr.
275
00:10:53,071 --> 00:10:54,629
Oh, Sam. Sammy!
276
00:10:55,977 --> 00:10:57,808
Tracy. Babe.
277
00:10:57,947 --> 00:11:01,280
You got to help the party
get back to its groovy roots.
278
00:11:01,422 --> 00:11:04,118
Wow.
You were a Republican?
279
00:11:04,261 --> 00:11:08,891
He sure was. Black. Jewish.
One eye. A white wife.
280
00:11:09,037 --> 00:11:11,267
It was a big tent back then,
Tracy.
281
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:13,036
Help us...
282
00:11:13,180 --> 00:11:15,273
to make it a big tent
once again.
283
00:11:15,417 --> 00:11:18,409
...Nixon... Nixon... Nixon...
Nixon... Nixon... Nixon...?
284
00:11:18,557 --> 00:11:21,321
I got a mission!
285
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:23,055
Dennis.
Hey, Jack.
286
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,224
What are your politics?
287
00:11:24,370 --> 00:11:25,997
Social conservative,
fiscal liberal.
288
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:29,303
You see, the GOP is trying
to raise its celebrity profile,
289
00:11:29,446 --> 00:11:32,347
and we would love it if the
Subway Hero could help us out.
290
00:11:32,486 --> 00:11:33,783
Aw, no can do, pally.
291
00:11:33,922 --> 00:11:36,322
I can't help McCain.
He's a Navy man.
292
00:11:36,461 --> 00:11:37,894
I almost joined
the Marines once.
293
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,862
All right, fine.
I admit it.
294
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:43,199
Dinner with Dennis last night
was fun.
295
00:11:43,342 --> 00:11:44,934
Oh, God. Liz!
296
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,070
What? I don't like
a lot of people, Jenna,
297
00:11:47,216 --> 00:11:49,047
but that dumb creep
makes me laugh.
298
00:11:49,187 --> 00:11:50,211
But you know better.
299
00:11:50,357 --> 00:11:52,621
Do I?
I might be an idiot.
300
00:11:52,761 --> 00:11:55,787
I know I'm supposed to
make myself nice meals
instead of eating junk.
301
00:11:55,935 --> 00:11:57,630
Do you know what
I use my oven for?
302
00:11:57,772 --> 00:11:59,137
Warming your jeans
in the morning?
303
00:11:59,275 --> 00:12:01,072
That's right.
And it feels good.
304
00:12:01,212 --> 00:12:02,679
Know what that subway thing
taught me, Jack?
305
00:12:02,816 --> 00:12:04,909
It taught me to
follow my instincts more.
That's how you get ahead.
306
00:12:05,053 --> 00:12:07,749
You must know
what I'm talking about...
You smell rich.
Thank you.
307
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,053
My cologne is distilled
308
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:10,720
from the bilge water
of Rupert Murdoch's yacht.
309
00:12:10,866 --> 00:12:13,164
My point is, Jack, you got to be
a man of action in this world.
310
00:12:13,304 --> 00:12:14,703
You know,
you can't overthink stuff.
311
00:12:14,841 --> 00:12:17,207
I agree. Not thinking
is what makes America great.
312
00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:19,409
That wardrobe is wack.
313
00:12:19,550 --> 00:12:20,539
I want a leather jacket
314
00:12:20,686 --> 00:12:22,210
with a glow-in-the-dark
skeleton T-shirt
315
00:12:22,356 --> 00:12:23,482
and a porkpie hat
for my head.
316
00:12:23,625 --> 00:12:24,751
All right?
Pronto.
317
00:12:24,895 --> 00:12:26,362
This photo shoot's
got to be phenomenal.
318
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:29,024
You seem like a man who knows
exactly what he wants.
319
00:12:29,170 --> 00:12:30,228
Yeah, I do.
320
00:12:30,373 --> 00:12:32,068
You don't know
what I'm going through.
Lemon?
321
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,371
Good luck with that, Dennis.
322
00:12:34,515 --> 00:12:36,608
No luck needed, Jack.
She bought me dinner last night.
323
00:12:36,753 --> 00:12:38,220
Really?
Yeah.
324
00:12:38,356 --> 00:12:39,345
I'm in.
325
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,551
And when I grab on,
I do not let go.
326
00:12:41,696 --> 00:12:44,995
Like a killer whale going nuts
on his trainer at SeaWorld.
327
00:12:45,137 --> 00:12:46,661
Everything in my life
is work.
328
00:12:46,806 --> 00:12:47,898
But not Dennis Duffy.
329
00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:50,136
I don't have to shave.
I don't have to bathe.
330
00:12:50,281 --> 00:12:51,908
I don't have to be clever
or nice.
331
00:12:52,051 --> 00:12:54,849
You know, I can just be myself.
Isn't that what love really is?
332
00:12:54,990 --> 00:12:58,858
No. Love is hiding who
you really are at all times,
333
00:12:58,999 --> 00:13:00,660
even when
you're sleeping.
334
00:13:00,803 --> 00:13:02,168
Love is
wearing makeup to bed
335
00:13:02,306 --> 00:13:04,433
and going downstairs
to the Burger King to poop
336
00:13:04,578 --> 00:13:06,341
and hiding alcohol
in perfume bottles.
337
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:07,379
That's love.
338
00:13:07,517 --> 00:13:09,417
Ugh.
That just sounds hard.
339
00:13:09,554 --> 00:13:11,044
Being with Dennis is easy.
340
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,351
If you give in to it,
341
00:13:12,493 --> 00:13:15,360
you just start to feel
kind of numb and warm, and...
342
00:13:15,499 --> 00:13:16,761
then you just get sleepy.
343
00:13:16,903 --> 00:13:17,870
It's not that bad.
344
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:19,336
That's exactly
what they say it's like
345
00:13:19,475 --> 00:13:20,533
when you freeze to death.
346
00:13:22,013 --> 00:13:24,243
Blurgh.
347
00:13:25,821 --> 00:13:29,052
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Look at... There I am.
348
00:13:29,195 --> 00:13:30,890
Oh.
Is that really you?
349
00:13:31,032 --> 00:13:33,523
Yeah, me and the boys.
Yeah.
350
00:13:33,671 --> 00:13:34,865
Boy.
351
00:13:35,007 --> 00:13:36,872
Men were men back then,
I'll tell ya.
352
00:13:37,012 --> 00:13:39,913
If you wanted to do something
private with another man...
353
00:13:40,051 --> 00:13:41,075
it wasn't gay.
354
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:42,847
No.
355
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,288
It was just two men...
356
00:13:45,429 --> 00:13:48,057
celebrating
each other's strength.
357
00:13:53,512 --> 00:13:54,376
I'm in!
358
00:13:54,514 --> 00:13:55,879
Jackie D!
359
00:13:56,017 --> 00:13:58,315
Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost
to help the GOP.
360
00:13:58,456 --> 00:14:01,220
God bless that
wiretapping bastard!
This is great!
361
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,125
We've got to shoot a couple
of commercials right away.
362
00:14:03,266 --> 00:14:04,290
The McCain dinner
is Saturday!
363
00:14:04,435 --> 00:14:05,732
Sounds good,
but I can't talk now.
364
00:14:05,871 --> 00:14:08,271
I've got to get my wallet
out of the toaster.
Okay.
365
00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:12,447
Yeah?
You like that?
366
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:14,576
Maybe a couple photos where
you don't give the thumbs-up?
367
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:15,917
No, that's my thing,
dummy.
368
00:14:16,059 --> 00:14:18,323
Know what? Doesn't matter.
Just getting through the week.
369
00:14:18,464 --> 00:14:20,261
You know, it's all
really happening for me.
370
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,164
My people.
My city.
371
00:14:22,305 --> 00:14:23,602
My woman.
Huh?
372
00:14:23,742 --> 00:14:25,539
I tell you, everything is
starting to go my way, Liz,
373
00:14:25,679 --> 00:14:26,907
'cause I'm a man of action.
374
00:14:27,048 --> 00:14:30,643
Yeah, I got to stop overthinking
everything like I used to.
375
00:14:30,789 --> 00:14:32,051
That was
never your problem.
376
00:14:33,528 --> 00:14:34,495
Aww! Aww!
Aww! Aww!
377
00:14:34,631 --> 00:14:35,825
Elizabeth Sarah Lemon...
378
00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:37,161
That's not my middle name.
379
00:14:37,303 --> 00:14:39,066
...will you marry me?
380
00:14:39,207 --> 00:14:41,141
Oh, God.
381
00:14:49,929 --> 00:14:51,590
Wake up, dummy.
382
00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:53,098
Hey, space cadet.
Down here.
383
00:14:53,236 --> 00:14:54,225
Will you marry me
or what?
384
00:14:54,372 --> 00:14:55,896
No! No way!
385
00:14:56,042 --> 00:14:58,067
You don't know this guy!
386
00:14:58,213 --> 00:15:00,238
He is not the man
you think he is!
387
00:15:00,384 --> 00:15:02,113
Hey, what is
your problem, Liz?
388
00:15:02,254 --> 00:15:03,915
I could get any girl here
I want.
389
00:15:04,058 --> 00:15:06,288
And not just the fatties
and the butter-faces.
390
00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:08,558
Shut up, crowd!
391
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:11,795
I command you,
as the Subway Hero, shut up!
392
00:15:11,942 --> 00:15:12,931
Unbelievable, Liz.
Hey.
393
00:15:13,077 --> 00:15:14,101
You know,
I don't need this.
394
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:15,474
You know
a stripper offered
395
00:15:15,616 --> 00:15:17,481
to give me a squeezer
last night... a white stripper.
396
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:19,485
Ugh! Thank God
I didn't fall for this.
397
00:15:19,624 --> 00:15:21,353
You are not a hero.
You're a loser.
398
00:15:21,494 --> 00:15:23,052
And you will always be
a loser!
399
00:15:23,198 --> 00:15:24,062
Oh, I'm the loser.
400
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,997
I guess I'm the one who totally
missed catching the puck
401
00:15:26,137 --> 00:15:27,069
at that Islanders game.
402
00:15:27,206 --> 00:15:27,900
You suck!
403
00:15:28,041 --> 00:15:29,008
No, you suck!
404
00:15:29,143 --> 00:15:31,407
And so do
all New York-based sports teams!
405
00:15:31,549 --> 00:15:33,608
Liz, don't say anything
you can't take back!
406
00:15:34,655 --> 00:15:37,215
My fellow Blackmericans...
407
00:15:38,731 --> 00:15:42,030
Hey, Jack... can I just
say "black Americans"?
408
00:15:42,170 --> 00:15:44,502
There's no such thing
as Blackmericans.
409
00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:46,668
That's great.
That's why you're here.
410
00:15:48,517 --> 00:15:50,280
My fellow black Americans,
411
00:15:50,421 --> 00:15:54,357
Dr. King once had a dream...
a dream that we all share...
412
00:15:54,497 --> 00:15:57,398
to build a 200-foot-high wall
to keep Mexico out.
413
00:15:57,536 --> 00:16:00,198
And he also hated
the estate tax.
414
00:16:01,611 --> 00:16:02,771
Unbelievable.
415
00:16:08,559 --> 00:16:10,754
Jack, I don't know
about this.
What's wrong?
416
00:16:10,897 --> 00:16:13,058
I get it...
The Republican Party means
417
00:16:13,202 --> 00:16:16,103
less taxes, more guns,
and the end of the gun tax.
418
00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:16,798
Go on.
419
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:19,673
But everybody isn't
forward-thinking like I am.
420
00:16:19,816 --> 00:16:21,306
No matter what,
421
00:16:21,453 --> 00:16:24,286
Blackmericans are gonna
always vote Democrat.
422
00:16:24,425 --> 00:16:26,017
They will, won't they?
423
00:16:26,162 --> 00:16:26,958
Mm-hmm.
424
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:29,558
Unless...
425
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:32,570
Black people, don't vote!
426
00:16:32,709 --> 00:16:34,404
Just don't do it!
427
00:16:34,546 --> 00:16:36,411
In the amount of time
it takes for you to vote,
428
00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:38,177
you could play three games
of pool.
429
00:16:38,321 --> 00:16:39,413
Three!
430
00:16:39,556 --> 00:16:40,784
Now, that's fresh.
431
00:16:40,926 --> 00:16:43,827
I'm Tracy Jordan,
and I improved this message.
432
00:16:43,966 --> 00:16:46,093
Paid for by the Committee
to Re- lnvade Vietnam.
433
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:50,071
Sure feels good to make
a difference, doesn't it?
434
00:16:50,212 --> 00:16:51,304
Yes, it does.
435
00:16:51,448 --> 00:16:53,382
Now, if you'll excuse me,
436
00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:57,455
Nixon asked me to take some
stuff out of his Wikipedia page.
437
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,299
Hey, Jack, I'm sorry.
438
00:17:01,436 --> 00:17:02,835
This Dennis thing
is not gonna work.
439
00:17:02,971 --> 00:17:04,768
I can't even be in the same room
as that idiot.
440
00:17:04,910 --> 00:17:06,502
Save it for your iVillage blog,
Lemon.
441
00:17:06,646 --> 00:17:08,511
Dennis is off the show.
I booked the 911 Bird.
442
00:17:08,651 --> 00:17:11,950
Winston here dialed 911
with his beak and said "fire,"
443
00:17:12,091 --> 00:17:13,558
but only because he didn't know
the word for "rape."
444
00:17:13,694 --> 00:17:14,683
Well, it's fine with me,
445
00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:16,661
but we've been promoting
the Subway Hero.
446
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,290
The Subway Hero's 15 minutes
are up.
447
00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:20,132
Now, if you could let him know
that, that would be great.
448
00:17:20,274 --> 00:17:23,209
Hey, you're not bumping Dennis
for my benefit, are you?
449
00:17:23,347 --> 00:17:24,314
Of course I am.
450
00:17:24,450 --> 00:17:26,509
I base all my business decisions
on your needs.
451
00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:27,882
That's why
GE's gonna be introducing
452
00:17:28,023 --> 00:17:29,547
the Pocket Deep Fryer.
453
00:17:29,694 --> 00:17:32,185
That would sell, by the way.
454
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:37,168
Well,
when we sobered up,
455
00:17:37,309 --> 00:17:38,901
we realized
we'd eaten the peacock
456
00:17:39,046 --> 00:17:41,776
and we put the ham
in Pat Weaver's office.
457
00:17:41,919 --> 00:17:43,147
I'll tell ya...
458
00:17:43,289 --> 00:17:45,052
Mr. Bright?
Huh?
459
00:17:45,193 --> 00:17:49,755
With all due respect,
I can't listen to this anymore.
460
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:53,134
I love television, sir,
and you are ruining it.
461
00:17:53,277 --> 00:17:54,710
I love television, too.
462
00:17:54,846 --> 00:17:55,972
But I want to tell you
something.
463
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,175
If you're gonna make
something beautiful,
464
00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,787
you got to make
a mess of it first.
465
00:17:59,924 --> 00:18:02,415
I don't care whether
you're making an omelet, a baby,
466
00:18:02,563 --> 00:18:04,121
or... or a television show.
467
00:18:04,266 --> 00:18:06,291
Things are
gonna get weird.
468
00:18:06,437 --> 00:18:10,100
Well, I'm afraid the biz
has changed since your time.
469
00:18:10,245 --> 00:18:12,008
Now, if you'll excuse me,
470
00:18:12,149 --> 00:18:14,674
I'm off to Chinatown to pick up
some human growth hormone
471
00:18:14,821 --> 00:18:16,618
so that Mr. Jordan's tigers
don't realize
472
00:18:16,758 --> 00:18:18,020
that he's aging and...
473
00:18:18,161 --> 00:18:21,426
Ohhh, my.
474
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:24,298
See?
There's your weird.
475
00:18:24,441 --> 00:18:25,271
A bird?!
476
00:18:25,409 --> 00:18:27,070
Dennis,
I'm very sorry.
477
00:18:27,213 --> 00:18:28,703
Oh, really?
Why?
478
00:18:28,850 --> 00:18:30,715
It seems like all that stuff
you said came true.
479
00:18:30,854 --> 00:18:31,718
I am a loser.
480
00:18:31,856 --> 00:18:33,153
My mall appearance
got canceled,
481
00:18:33,293 --> 00:18:34,920
the... the Mighty Ducks
are mad at me
482
00:18:35,063 --> 00:18:36,690
'cause I left the Stanley Cup
on a water taxi.
483
00:18:36,834 --> 00:18:38,199
You know,
I thought I'd done
484
00:18:38,336 --> 00:18:40,167
something good enough
to get you back.
485
00:18:41,543 --> 00:18:43,943
I can only imagine
the classic song
486
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,174
I'm gonna write
after this.
487
00:18:50,328 --> 00:18:52,819
That is
a very disturbing story.
488
00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:54,400
Aw, you're just
saying that.
489
00:18:54,537 --> 00:18:55,504
No, no, no, no.
490
00:18:55,639 --> 00:18:57,698
No, you've seen some stuff,
I'll tell you.
491
00:18:57,843 --> 00:19:00,403
Oh. Well, this one's dating
a "Dateline" predator.
492
00:19:00,549 --> 00:19:02,779
Exonerated.
And we're not dating.
493
00:19:02,921 --> 00:19:04,513
You don't know what
you're talking about, Kenneth.
494
00:19:04,658 --> 00:19:08,458
Boy, that's one mouthy
sandwich girl, isn't it?
495
00:19:18,687 --> 00:19:22,123
It was on a subway platform
just like this.
496
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,752
On a night...
just like this.
497
00:19:24,899 --> 00:19:27,265
It's still daytime.
We're inside.
498
00:19:27,405 --> 00:19:29,873
Know what the worst thing about
this whole hero thing has been?
499
00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:31,272
It's that I got a chance
to see
500
00:19:31,413 --> 00:19:33,074
what my life could have
really been like.
501
00:19:33,217 --> 00:19:35,310
You know, like, if the
beeper business had taken off
502
00:19:35,455 --> 00:19:37,082
or I hadn't failed
the firefighter exam.
503
00:19:37,226 --> 00:19:38,659
You failed
the firefighter exam?
504
00:19:38,795 --> 00:19:40,626
Yeah, it's totally biased
against the Irish, you know.
505
00:19:42,436 --> 00:19:45,803
You know, Liz, being with you
and being a hero
506
00:19:45,943 --> 00:19:48,468
are the two greatest things
that's ever happened to me.
507
00:19:48,616 --> 00:19:52,985
And I just, uh...
I just wish I could get it back.
508
00:19:57,668 --> 00:19:59,295
You're gonna be fine.
509
00:19:59,439 --> 00:20:01,600
If reality TV
has taught us anything,
510
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:04,576
it's that you can't keep people
with no shame down.
511
00:20:04,715 --> 00:20:07,445
I really believe
that you are gonna do
512
00:20:07,588 --> 00:20:10,682
something else great
in your life.
513
00:20:15,405 --> 00:20:17,339
Dennis Duffy,
don't you dare.
No, no. Just work with me here.
514
00:20:17,476 --> 00:20:19,535
Just go limp.
It'll be phenomenal.
You can't do this twice.
515
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,875
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Come on, Liz!
516
00:20:22,018 --> 00:20:23,952
Aw, damn!
It's the wrong track.
517
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:25,420
Stupid express!
518
00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:27,459
You thought it was this track,
too, didn't you?
Jackass!
519
00:20:27,597 --> 00:20:29,189
Wow! Come on!
It was just a goof!
520
00:20:29,334 --> 00:20:31,097
Never again!
Never!
521
00:20:31,238 --> 00:20:33,433
You'll be back, Liz Lemon.
You'll be back.
522
00:20:33,575 --> 00:20:34,837
Ugh.
523
00:20:36,916 --> 00:20:38,645
You'll be back, dummy.
38939
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