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1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,503
Are you makin' waffles?
2
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:04,671
No, quiet.
3
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:06,089
Somebody is,
4
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:07,734
and the maple syrup
smells delicious.
5
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:08,985
Jack Russell terrier?
6
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,361
No, I can't get a dog.
7
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:11,720
You should.
8
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,052
A dog'll change your life.
9
00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,765
Hey, I just wanted to make sure
10
00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:16,377
you're practicing
your rerun dance
11
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,018
for the what's happening sketch.
12
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:19,310
I'm trying, Liz Lemon,
13
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,646
but I can't concentrate.
14
00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,898
Somebody on my
block is making waffles,
15
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,441
and it's makin' me horny!
16
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,013
Wait, you smell maple syrup too?
17
00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:27,475
You live all the way in Jersey.
18
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:28,820
That's weird. Hold on.
19
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:32,407
Hello? Do you smell maple syrup?
20
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:33,408
Yes!
21
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:34,700
Don't panic, Lemon.
22
00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,352
It's probably not
a chemical attack.
23
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:37,788
What do you mean "probably"?
24
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,680
It's probably just a
strange wind pattern
25
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,468
coming off those
factories in staten island,
26
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,043
where food flavors are made.
27
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:44,628
I don't think it's Northrax.
28
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,505
What's Northrax?
29
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,233
It's a chemical agent
we sold to the Saudis
30
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,257
in the 1980s.
31
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,884
It smells exactly
like maple syrup.
32
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:52,636
But I don't think this is it.
33
00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,012
Well, how do you know?
34
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:57,057
Because Northrax kills
you within ten seconds.
35
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,023
Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
36
00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:17,703
♪ ♪
37
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,715
Make me look like this.
38
00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,550
Right, like that's a stretch.
39
00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:33,677
Hey, Jack, thanks
for that call last night.
40
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:34,970
I get really nut burgers
41
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,597
over this homeland
security stuff.
42
00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,223
Always check with
me first, Lemon.
43
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,516
I have NSA connections.
44
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:42,644
Good. Didn't you just get
a haircut two days ago?
45
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,229
I get my haircut every two days.
46
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,440
After all, your hair
is your head suit.
47
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,732
I'm going to a party tonight
honoring Robert novak.
48
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,822
It's being thrown by John
McCain and John Bauer.
49
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,446
Um, I don't think he's real.
50
00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:55,574
Oh, I assure you, Lemon,
John McCain is very real.
51
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:56,450
I have to look perfect.
52
00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:57,742
When it comes to hair,
53
00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,037
no one is more bitchy
than conservative males.
54
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:01,622
Good lord, Donaghy
55
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,999
did you comb your hair
with a chicken bone?
56
00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,044
They can be brutal.
57
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:09,588
Well, have fun.
58
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,507
Don't get peer pressured
into invading Iran.
59
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,551
Oh, uh, before you go,
60
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:15,963
I'd like you to put this on.
61
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,138
Sheinhardt wig
company? What's this?
62
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,599
A way to show support
for our parent company,
63
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:23,101
which is having a little
P.R. hiccup right now.
64
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,103
All right. Thanks.
65
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,475
Picked up your tuxedo from
the cleaners, Mr. Donaghy.
66
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,564
Just like you asked.
67
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,149
Thank you, Kenneth.
68
00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,485
Let me just take
this plastic off.
69
00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:32,962
'Cause I saw on Martha Stewart
70
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,088
how we're all doing
everything wrong.
71
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,112
Where are the pants?
72
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,407
Sweet peaches!
73
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:38,742
What have I done?
74
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:39,576
Somewhere along the way,
75
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,012
they must have
slipped out the bottom.
76
00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:42,036
It's all right, Kenneth.
77
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,330
These things happen.
78
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:44,822
Uncle butch was right.
79
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,320
I'm just a stupid
country bumpkin
80
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,210
with great skin and soft hands.
81
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,229
I'll just have Jonathan
bring over another pair.
82
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,672
No, sir. This is my mistake.
83
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,715
I will replace your pants.
84
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,634
They cost $2,500.
85
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,719
I will find your pants!
86
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:00,764
All right!
87
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,808
My prescription shampoo!
88
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,478
Oh.
89
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,107
Who is it?
90
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,234
Hi, I have your mail.
91
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,778
I live across the hall.
92
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:17,531
H-Hi, I didn't even realize
anyone had moved in over here.
93
00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,574
Welcome.
94
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:27,332
I'm... Liz. What's your name?
95
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,000
Raheem.
96
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,461
Raheem. That's...
That's my mother's name.
97
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:32,939
No, it... no, I'm just kidding.
98
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,089
Give me my package, please.
99
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,841
Oh... okay.
100
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,718
Well, it was nice to meet...
101
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,659
Coming up next,
Candace Van Der Shark,
102
00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,309
a lifetime intimate portrait.
103
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,103
Have you met the
guy across the hall?
104
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,595
Raheem? Yeah, he's a good egg.
105
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,690
He's weird. He
wouldn't shake my hand.
106
00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,817
And I think it's
because I'm a woman.
107
00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:56,778
And get this... he's got
maps all over his walls.
108
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:57,654
Maps.
109
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,239
Maps?
110
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,199
You mean like that one?
111
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,326
That's different, that's...
That's an antique.
112
00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:04,618
And I'm a white lady.
113
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,013
What are you saying there, Liz?
114
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,998
Pete, you know me.
115
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,250
I never make
assumptions about race.
116
00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:11,822
Remember, I asked that black guy
117
00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:13,044
if he had seen sideways?
118
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:14,336
But this guy..
119
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:15,504
I don't like him.
120
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:16,381
You're being paranoid.
121
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:17,793
Raheem is a really nice guy.
122
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,008
And he's always helping.
123
00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:20,677
He rewired the toaster oven,
124
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,769
and... he showed me a
back way to the airport.
125
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,014
Listen to yourself, Pete.
126
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,466
I don't want to sound racist,
127
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,809
but that pita pocket
might be a terrorist.
128
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,270
That sound racist?
129
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,856
This rich Chestnut
color is natural?
130
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:35,524
Excuse me.
131
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,320
Whiskey, straight up.
132
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,447
I'll have a white rum
with diet ginger ale
133
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:41,239
and a splash of lime.
134
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,241
Wow, I never would
have pegged you
135
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,410
for a university of
Tennessee sorority girl.
136
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,221
Well, you've got to pace
yourself with these things.
137
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:47,954
We go all night.
138
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,246
That's good advice.
139
00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:50,898
Unfortunately, I
promised bill Frist
140
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:51,999
the next slow dance.
141
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:55,044
I'm C.C.
142
00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:56,253
Jack.
143
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,256
Nice haircut.
144
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,346
Sir, here's your Nancy Drew.
145
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,974
For men, it's
called a Hardy boy.
146
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:18,902
Hey, KK, how's it hangin'?
147
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,362
Very low, sir.
148
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,654
Very low.
149
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,049
I lost something real important.
150
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,741
You know what I do
when I lose something?
151
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,785
I yell real loud
until I find it.
152
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,095
So what is it that you lost?
153
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,789
Pants. Pants! Pants! Pants!
154
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,834
Pants! Pants! Pants!
155
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:37,087
How 'bout the Sean Johns?
Were you chafing again, tray?
156
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,898
I don't think that's
gonna help me find
157
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:39,922
Mr. Donaghy's pants.
158
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,633
Well, did you
retrace your steps?
159
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:42,592
Or go back to the drycleaners?
160
00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:44,302
Yes, obvious twins.
161
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,137
And I tried looking
in the last place
162
00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:47,597
you'd ever expect.
163
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,089
And, no, Mr. Donaghy's
pants are not in the ladies' room
164
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,703
at that laser tag
place on 12th Avenue.
165
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,186
It's no use.
166
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,313
I'm just gonna
have to replace 'em.
167
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,399
But where am I ever
gonna get $2,500?
168
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,131
Well, why don't
you just do like I do
169
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,027
and sell your autograph
at the car show?
170
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:08,368
♪ What the world needs now ♪
171
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:12,080
♪ is love, sweet love ♪
172
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,624
♪ it's the only thing ♪
173
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:18,753
♪ that there's
just too little of ♪
174
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,590
♪ what the world needs now ♪
175
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,968
♪ ♪
176
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,721
Ahh! Go! Come on, go!
177
00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,180
Go, go!
178
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,308
Go! Come on!
179
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,600
Gah!
180
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,687
What the what?!
181
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,862
Oh, my god.
182
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,807
Thank you for an
incredible night.
183
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,643
Really? Did you
have a good time?
184
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:15,393
'Cause I really did.
185
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:16,770
Unbelievably good.
186
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,915
And thank you for letting
me try the thing I tried.
187
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,565
I'm... sorry I dropped you.
188
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,484
Oh, no, it was great.
189
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,736
I mean, who knew that
ottoman had wheels, right?
190
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,657
Well, I gotta get to work.
191
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,706
Uh, when can I see you again?
192
00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,917
Anytime. You name it.
193
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,689
Congressman Cunningham,
194
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,274
it is a pleasure to have
you on our program.
195
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,883
Hi, Dan. Thank
you for having me.
196
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:50,053
Celeste Cunningham.
197
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,514
C.C.
198
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,446
You didn't tell me
you're a congresswoman!
199
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,310
I just ended my first year.
200
00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,229
Of your constituents.
201
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:00,981
"D"?
202
00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:02,565
Vermont?
203
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,818
Big business is
out to get us again.
204
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,737
The Sheinhardt Wig Company
has dumped thousands of gallons
205
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:11,366
of auburn fantasy dye #260
into the Chickotagua river,
206
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,703
turning the children
of Chickotagua orange.
207
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,496
And I will not rest
until this company
208
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,039
and all of its subsidiaries
209
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,624
are held financially
responsible!
210
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:22,627
Why do you have this?
211
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,672
I run a Sheinhardt wig
subsidiary called NBC.
212
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,007
Oh, my god.
213
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:28,717
You're Jack Donaghy?
214
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,177
What were you even
doing at that party last night?
215
00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,013
Oh, my god. This was a mistake.
216
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,305
Forget about what I said.
217
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,950
I can never be
seen with you again.
218
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:37,058
You're right.
219
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,036
We have to pretend
that this never happened.
220
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,770
Yeah, I have to get out of here.
221
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,690
Damn it, the worst part is...
222
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,817
I really liked you a lot.
223
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:53,908
I gave her the ottoman,
and she walked out.
224
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,823
Sir, I typed up that letter.
225
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:58,455
Hey, uh...
226
00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,747
What do you need, Lemon?
227
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,624
Nothing, I just, uh...
228
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:02,916
It can wait.
229
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,641
Lemon, there's nothing
you could say to me
230
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,355
that you can't say
in front of Jonathan.
231
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:09,132
I think my middle eastern
neighbor is a terrorist,
232
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:10,443
and I don't know what to do.
233
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,176
That's ridiculous, Lemon.
234
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,628
Some of our greatest patriots
235
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,113
have been of middle
eastern descent.
236
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,388
And I'm appalled to hear you
237
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,182
engage in racial
profiling like that.
238
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:23,563
I'm kidding. Be an
American... call it in.
239
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:24,915
This is the number
of a friend of mine
240
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,442
in a very high-level position
at homeland security.
241
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,014
Oh, no, not... now I don't know.
242
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,320
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
243
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,893
If a bleeding heart liberal
like you has any suspicions...
244
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,114
I know, right?
245
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,911
Nice ring tone, Jack.
246
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,203
That's not my ring tone.
247
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,039
I hate that San Francisco sound.
248
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,083
How am I calling myself?
249
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,627
This isn't even my phone.
250
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:46,461
Jack?
251
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,338
C.C.? I think I have your phone.
252
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,591
Yeah, you must have
grabbed it by accident.
253
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,968
After our night of doing it.
254
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,762
Take the freight elevator
255
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:57,656
to the sixth floor,
and I'll be right down.
256
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:58,807
Uh...
257
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,225
Are you all right?
258
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,560
Well, last night I...
259
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:03,561
Never mind.
260
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,272
These verizon wireless
phones are just so popular.
261
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,150
I accidentally grabbed one
belonging to an acquaintance.
262
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,322
Well, sure, 'cause that
verizon wireless service
263
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,195
is just unbeatable.
264
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,087
I mean, if I saw a
phone like that on TV,
265
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,914
I would be like, "where
is my nearest retailer
266
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,951
so I can... get one?"
267
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,078
Can we have our money now?
268
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,081
Come on... big money.
269
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,378
Whoa.
270
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,922
This ketchup expired
two years ago.
271
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,214
Hmm.
272
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,651
Dude, how much
would I have to pay you
273
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:34,675
to eat this whole bottle?
274
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:35,759
Honestly?
275
00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,262
$1,000.
276
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,847
$400.
277
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:47,748
I got all the way to Harlem
278
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,372
when I heard Wagner
coming from my phone.
279
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,440
Harlem?
280
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,627
I'm working out of
the Clinton offices
281
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:52,360
for a few weeks.
282
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,278
I'm helping Hillary
283
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,210
retool her universal
health care platform.
284
00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:56,558
God, I wanna kiss
you on the mouth
285
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,454
to stop you from saying
such ridiculous things.
286
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,118
Here's your phone.
287
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,250
Obviously, we can never
be seen together again.
288
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,014
Obviously... I'm up
for the chairmanship,
289
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:04,664
and I don't wanna risk that.
290
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,350
They give you a
helicopter, you know.
291
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,374
What about me?
292
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,520
How can I look those little
orange children in the eye?
293
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:12,213
They have no other documented
health problems, you know.
294
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,131
They're orange!
295
00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,508
This is why I
got into politics...
296
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,760
To stop big companies
from hurting the little guy.
297
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,721
What happened to you
that made you this way?
298
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:21,972
In 1998,
299
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,943
I got shot in the face
by my neighbor's dog.
300
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,727
Oh, C.C., I'm so...
301
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,270
Wait, what?
302
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:28,706
My neighbor had a
riverton hunting rifle
303
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,440
with a faulty trigger safety.
304
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,192
One day, his
Jack Russell terrier
305
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:33,483
started chewing the area,
306
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,333
the gun went off, and
shot me in the face.
307
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,362
No.
308
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:37,697
A terrier?
309
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,199
So I did what was right:
310
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,201
I sued riverton, my
neighbor, and the dog.
311
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:42,660
C.C., I'm so sorry.
312
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:43,453
Well, don't be.
313
00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,455
After six reconstructive
surgeries,
314
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,547
I'm much better-looking
now than I used to be.
315
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,389
Plus, they made a
lifetime movie about me.
316
00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:50,728
Tonight on lifetime,
317
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,630
Candace Van Der Shark
stars as Celeste Cunningham in:
318
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,347
You know, I thought you
made love like an ugly girl.
319
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,682
So present, so grateful.
320
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,082
Who's that?!
321
00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,167
Nobody. Don't lie to me, Jack.
322
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,670
I've had plenty of women
mad at me the morning after.
323
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,648
Just don't let her light
your sneakers on fire
324
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,756
in the bathtub.
325
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,408
Oh, she would
never do that, Tracy.
326
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,676
She's a very special woman.
327
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,552
So then what's the problem?
328
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:44,347
Well, we're just on
opposite sides of a feud.
329
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,891
Oh, I get it: Romeo and Juliet.
330
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,434
Capulets and romulans.
331
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:49,936
Mm-hmm, I've been there.
332
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,396
I'm black, she's white.
333
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,314
I'm black, she's
light-skinned black.
334
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,066
I'm black, she's 17.
335
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:56,359
Hey, listen,
336
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:57,694
if she's your soul mate,
337
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:58,986
you go for it.
338
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,593
Tracy, I don't
believe in soul mates.
339
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,924
I worked too hard
to get where I am
340
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,533
to sacrifice it for some woman.
341
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,545
I don't care if she
is beautiful, brilliant,
342
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,578
and she does it like
her dad's a minister.
343
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,502
Sir, that was impressive!
344
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,297
Ugh. My feet are
puffed up real bad.
345
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,340
Dude, let us give you
the rest of the money
346
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,632
for Donaghy's pants.
347
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,093
No, Mr. Rossitano.
348
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,929
We Parcells are neither
wealthy Nor circumcised,
349
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,556
but we are proud.
350
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,516
I have to earn that money.
351
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,351
All right, I got a job for you.
352
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,687
Every night after
dinner, Lutz falls asleep
353
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,397
on the couch in our office.
354
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,566
Mm-hmm.
355
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,909
Can I help you?
356
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:50,621
Pete! Pete! Pete!
357
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,665
Raheem!
358
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:53,416
Ready to go?
359
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:54,708
You guys are going out?
360
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:55,501
Yeah.
361
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,337
My buddy, Raheem,
362
00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,068
invited me out with
him to celebrate.
363
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,455
He just completed some big
project he's been working on.
364
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,719
Soon everyone will know
the name Raheem Haddad.
365
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,159
Hi, I'm not sure, but...
366
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:31,329
Who is he, and
where can we find him?
367
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,875
Hey, C.C.
368
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,227
We're having a barbecue tonight.
369
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:37,960
You're welcome to come.
370
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,670
Thanks. Maybe I will.
371
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,925
Get the gun away from the dog.
372
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,135
Hey, hon, have you
seen my hunting rifle?
373
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,846
Last time I saw
it... the dog had it.
374
00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,338
What is wrong with you people?
375
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,020
I'm going to get into politics!
376
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,825
Aaaargh!
377
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,117
Aah! Aah!
378
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,202
Aaaah!
379
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,081
Aah!
380
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,333
Got him!
381
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,835
Gah!
382
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:24,882
Oh, god, oh!
383
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,174
Whoa! Whoa!
384
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,218
Ape attack!
385
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,510
Ape attack.
386
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,595
Smarts!
387
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:31,389
Are you okay?
388
00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,850
Okay, that went too far.
389
00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,144
I still need $700.
390
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,728
What's next?
391
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,668
You know that old
lady in accounting...
392
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,193
Who thinks you're her
husband who died in the war?
393
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,987
What about her?
394
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,491
I do believe in destiny
395
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,411
and I know that I should
hate you, but I can't.
396
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:54,703
I love you.
397
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:56,014
And I don't care
what people sa y
398
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:59,917
we were meant to be
in each other's lives.
399
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:06,090
You're right, C.C.
400
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,142
Some dudes took
Raheem last night.
401
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,747
Huh... sounds like
an American hero
402
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,057
saw something
and said something.
403
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,935
Elizabeth Lemon, I
can't believe you did that.
404
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,520
Raheem is a good guy!
405
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,647
You seem to be defending
Raheem an awful lot.
406
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,774
I'd hate to have to
make another phone call.
407
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,109
No, we're cool.
408
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,401
Uh, I renounce Raheem.
409
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,529
Raheem's a bad guy.
410
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,823
Usa number one!
411
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,203
Tracy, I need your help.
412
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,680
I've gotta go somewhere,
and I can't be seen,
413
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:37,704
and cabs don't go there.
414
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:38,956
Sure, where is it?
415
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,750
Clinton's office in Harlem.
416
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,242
I know where that building is.
417
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:43,920
I get my Jamaican
meat pies there.
418
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,549
Finally, my scalp RX.
419
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,180
Oh, my god.
420
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,853
I am Raheem Haddad.
421
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,480
And this is my brother Hakim.
422
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,148
And these are the reasons
423
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,608
you should choose us
424
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,694
to be the next contestants
on the amazing race!
425
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:09,986
Amazing what?
426
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,326
Uh-oh.
427
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:16,953
We love to travel.
428
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:19,121
Look at all the
places we have been:
429
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:22,917
Toronto, Munich,
London, the hoover dam,
430
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:24,627
the cleve.
431
00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,504
Oh, boy.
432
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:29,632
We are in good shape for
the road blocks and detours.
433
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:32,009
Come on! Come on, go!
434
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:33,301
Oh, no, oh, no.
435
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:34,511
We love america!
436
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,516
Oh, no.
437
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,601
Oh, no.
438
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:44,271
Jonathan...
439
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,940
I purchased a replacement pair
440
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,316
of Mr. Donaghy's pants.
441
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:50,570
Wow. You must love
him as much as I do.
442
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:09,463
C.C., look out the
window onto 125th street.
443
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,050
You shouldn't be here.
444
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:14,695
I know I shouldn't.
I can't help myself.
445
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:15,719
I wanna be with you!
446
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,656
Tell her you want your
privates and her privates
447
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,680
to do a high-five.
448
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,433
Oka y, tray, I got this.
449
00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:21,743
Jack, we hardly know each other.
450
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,603
This could be career
suicide for both of us,
451
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:24,894
and you know it!
452
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:25,646
I don't care anymore.
453
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,698
I saw your movie...
What you said to that dog
454
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,275
about soul mates.
455
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,652
I think I might be the dog.
456
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,088
Tell her her butt
look like a apple
457
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,655
and you wanna take a bite.
458
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,074
Buzz me in, okay?
459
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:38,552
Tell her she got
some tig ol' biddies
460
00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:40,369
like the Dallas
cowboy cheerleaders.
461
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,264
Tell her you want her to
donate her body to science,
462
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:42,997
and you science.
463
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,289
Tell her, Jack!
464
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,182
I've been going crazy
these last few days,
465
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,614
thinking about
our night together.
466
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,048
How you wanted to
brush my hair as foreplay.
467
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,967
How you made me that
western omelet at 4:00 A.M.
468
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:56,886
I never met anyone
like you, Jack.
469
00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,262
Be with me, C.C.
470
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,556
We'll ignore our differences
till the sex goes bad,
471
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,184
then we'll... walk
away bitter and angry.
472
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,894
Ohh.
473
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,426
Nobody can know we're together.
474
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,272
Not even your friend
Tracy Jordan out there.
475
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,284
I don't think you have
to worry about Tracy.
476
00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:12,360
Stop eatin' people's
old French fries, pigeon.
477
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:13,652
Have some self-respect.
478
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,112
Don't you know you can fly?
479
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,202
I don't...
480
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,120
I've never had a
secret affair before.
481
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:31,379
What do you say we go find
a spot and defile this place?
482
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:43,391
Raheem.
483
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:44,684
Hey, buddy!
484
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,102
Where ya been all week?
485
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,938
They put electrodes
on my testicles, Liz.
486
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,230
Who did?
487
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,650
Oh, you... remembered my name.
488
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,486
America's government
shocked my nuts.
489
00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:57,488
No, I'm pretty sure
they're not allowed
490
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:58,906
to do that type of thing.
491
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,533
"They say," Raheem...
492
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:01,909
Why you no shake hands?"
493
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,578
I say, "because I don't want
sickness before amazing race."
494
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,248
They say, "Raheem, why
all the trips to the airport?"
495
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,476
I say, "because I'm practicing
for the amazing race!"
496
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:10,500
Sure.
497
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:11,293
And then, "zzt! Zzt!"
498
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,670
In my underpanties!
499
00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:15,548
Do you have any idea
who... turned you in?
500
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,593
No... but I am
just so angry now.
501
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,637
I have so much anger inside.
502
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:25,307
I want to do something
spectacular with it.
503
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,604
Northrax.
504
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,482
Hey! I made waffles.
505
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:34,817
Ohh, thank god.
506
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:36,986
Yeah.
34733
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