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1
00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:03,795
One day, sir,
2
00:00:04,087 --> 00:00:07,174
this whole city will be yours.
3
00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:09,426
Oh, hey, can I talk to you?
4
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,762
You always ruin everything.
5
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,934
I have to apologize for him.
6
00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:18,620
He's been a bit
tense since we found
7
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,187
that I'm up for the
G.E. chairmanship.
8
00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:21,563
Yeah, that's why I'm here.
9
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,524
I got a call from
some lawyer today
10
00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,859
who was asking me
what kind of boss you are,
11
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,271
and who long I've known you,
12
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,155
and what animal
best describes you.
13
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,490
What did you say?
14
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,409
An eagle with
the head of a bear.
15
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,701
Thank you.
16
00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,426
Your respect means
the world to me, Lemon.
17
00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:39,331
I can't believe it's
starting already.
18
00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:40,332
What is?
19
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:41,917
G.E. is vetting me.
20
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,210
They're trying to see
21
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:44,854
if I have any
skeletons in my closet.
22
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,648
It's what they do with all
the presidential candidates.
23
00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,215
Do you think
they'll find anything?
24
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,759
Oh, yeah.
25
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,887
I've done some things, Lemon.
26
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,365
That's why I hired
a private investigator
27
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,391
to look into my own background.
28
00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,685
He'll spot any red
flags before G.E. does,
29
00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,663
and that way I should be
able to stay ahead of this.
30
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:04,815
You hired someone
to investigate yourself?
31
00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:05,732
That's weird.
32
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,104
Well, you do the same thing
33
00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,876
with you therapist
every week, don't you?
34
00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:11,530
I had an amazing breakthrough
with my therapist this week.
35
00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:13,574
I was talking about
that dream... ring ring!
36
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,368
That I have all the time
where you find... hello.
37
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,900
I'm sorry, I have to take this.
38
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,038
Yes. Why she's right here.
39
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,690
Wait a minute.
That's a fake phone.
40
00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,041
She'll be right down.
41
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,418
What else is going on?
42
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:35,679
♪ ♪
43
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:51,445
What's going on in here?
You're on time for work.
44
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,697
The woman in your
dressing room is your wife
45
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,407
sorry, Angie, that...
46
00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:57,093
I let Tracy back in my
life on two conditions.
47
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,785
One, this.
48
00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:00,557
Bling, bling! That
is ghetto fabulous.
49
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,164
This belonged to Brooke astor.
50
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,124
It's very nice. And
the other condition,
51
00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:05,792
I'm with him all the time.
52
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,502
All he gets to do is work,
53
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:08,879
eat, love on me,
54
00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:10,505
and sleep.
55
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,507
Isn't that right,
baby? I'm whipped.
56
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,801
Angie got me up at 7:30 today.
57
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:16,173
Did you know in the morning
58
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,138
they have food, TV,
almost everything.
59
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,430
It's pretty good.
60
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,433
I did know that, yeah.
61
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,477
Liz, I need your help.
62
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:24,769
I can't do this alone.
63
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:26,605
Tracy's like a horny child.
64
00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,815
He needs constant
adult supervision.
65
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,627
Will you help me out
when I'm not here?
66
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,527
If it keeps him like this, yes.
67
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:33,320
Will you be able to do that
68
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:34,892
without falling
in love with him?
69
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,239
Also yes.
70
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:37,884
I think this is gonna
be great, Angie.
71
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,160
I think you and me are
gonna make a great team.
72
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,162
Oh, you looking for
a sassy, black friend?
73
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:42,871
Oh, no, I didn't mean...
74
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,432
Well, you got one
now, girlfriend.
75
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:45,499
Go on... rowr!
76
00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:50,796
Oh, Ms. Moroney,
here's today's fan mail.
77
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,255
Are there any from prisons?
78
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,256
Are there?
79
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,675
Federal!
80
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,593
Oh! God!
81
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:57,885
Putting on this weight
82
00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,816
is the best thing that
ever happened to me.
83
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,390
People actually like me now.
84
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,226
There she is. There's my star.
85
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,037
And to think I wanted
you to lose this weight.
86
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,437
It sounds so crazy now.
87
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,564
I know!
88
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,542
Oh, and I saw your Enorme
commercial... it's fabulous.
89
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,567
What's Enorme?
90
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:13,878
It's the number one fragrance
91
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:14,902
for plus size women.
92
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:21,410
♪ ♪
93
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,370
Enorme.
94
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,664
Make him chase the chunk.
95
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:28,434
Available exclusively
at your local drug store.
96
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:29,960
Do not use if menstruating.
97
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,212
Can't plus size women
wear regular perfume?
98
00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,756
Jenna, your career
is really taking off now.
99
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,049
And on a personal level,
100
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:37,568
I just like you more
when you're fat.
101
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,219
Oh, thank you.
102
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:40,762
It's all happening.
103
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,807
Okay, let's shoot these promos.
104
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,659
Can I get some makeup
for Tracy, please?
105
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,728
Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
106
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:49,019
Hey. Let's see.
107
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,772
Oh, hell no!
108
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,066
Actually, he looks
great. Thank you.
109
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:00,866
You Lenny wozniak?
110
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,718
Thanks for meeting
me here, Mr. Donaghy.
111
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,120
Yeah, I get it. Discretion.
112
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,597
I wouldn't want
to talk about this
113
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:07,664
in my office anyway.
114
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,666
Yeah.
115
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:11,835
Also my gym is right over there.
116
00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:16,089
So, uh... how does this work?
117
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,799
It's pretty simple, really.
118
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,218
I'm gonna go through your
life with a fine tooth comb.
119
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,790
And the more information I have,
120
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,221
the easier this is gonna be.
121
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,973
Now, have you
ever been arrested?
122
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,100
I have.
123
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,269
The 1976 Democratic
national convention.
124
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,688
But it's okay, I was
there beating up hippies.
125
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,168
And what about your
family? Any skeletons there?
126
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:37,032
My brother Eddie sells
faulty sprinkler systems
127
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,236
to elementary schools.
128
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,906
My cousin Tim fixes NBA games.
129
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,949
My mother's an
olympic level racist.
130
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:43,867
But as for the rest,
131
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,720
they're too drunk to
do much of anything.
132
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:48,038
Unless getting thrown
out of a chili's is a crime.
133
00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,291
Any weird sex stuff I
should know about?
134
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:52,727
You know what? Don't tell me.
135
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,544
I like to find that
out on my own.
136
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,505
I'm a watcher.
137
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,466
Okay, I'll get started on
my end of the process.
138
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,778
Now, is there anything
else you want to tell me now?
139
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:02,385
Nope.
140
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,555
That's pretty much it.
141
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,724
That's what they all
say, Mr. Donaghy.
142
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,230
I'll be in touch.
143
00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:14,522
Hmm, one more thing.
144
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,792
If I sign a friend up at my gym,
145
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,527
I get a free hat, so...
146
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,487
Think about it.
147
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:30,580
I'm losing weight.
148
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,666
What? Look at my belt.
149
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:35,210
This is the notch I
had to make last week.
150
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,254
This is the notch I'm using now.
151
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,130
I'm back to the
factory-made notches.
152
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,799
Jenna, calm down.
153
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:42,259
No, I won't calm down.
154
00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:43,718
This can't be happening.
155
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,428
Everything is based on the fat.
156
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:46,720
Enorme.
157
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,515
The offer to play Ms. Pac-man
158
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,100
in the live action atari movie.
159
00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:51,434
What?
160
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:52,726
And worst of all,
161
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,104
Jack won't like me anymore.
162
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,730
We have a secret ritual now
163
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,291
where we slap our palms together
164
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,525
when we walk by each other.
165
00:05:58,817 --> 00:05:59,817
A high five.
166
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,320
It was our special thing.
167
00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,447
Hey, Liz Lemon.
168
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:06,884
I've been reading the newspaper
169
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:07,948
to come up with some ideas
170
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,327
for some topical sketches.
171
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,663
So this week can we
do "business section?'!"
172
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,165
Tracy, I love it that
you're trying to help.
173
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,584
Everything is great.
174
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:16,876
Thanks to Angie.
175
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,962
Word. Where is my lovely wife?
176
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,940
Oh, she had to step out.
She had a hair appointment.
177
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,924
Oh, I'm going to
a strip club now.
178
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,843
What? No, I can't
let you do that!
179
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,138
I'm sorry, Liz.
This is who I am.
180
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,348
You can't ask a bird not to fly.
181
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,934
You can't ask a
fish not to swim.
182
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,811
You can't ask a
tiger not to turn back
183
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,565
into a Chinese dude at midnight.
184
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,275
Angie is gonna kill us.
185
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,486
I feel bad about doing
this to you, Liz Lemon.
186
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:44,779
I really do.
187
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,591
And the only way I could
feel better about myself
188
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,741
is to get booby-slapped
189
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,827
by a coked-out Russian stripper.
190
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,370
I'm out.
191
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,039
Ooh!
192
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:57,667
Is there something
we need to discuss?
193
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,920
No, Jack, everything's great!
194
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,505
Look... it's come
to my attention
195
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,317
that you no longer
have an eating problem.
196
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,134
That's ridiculous! Is it?
197
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,762
You're not breathing heavily.
Your skin has cleared up.
198
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,854
I even find you slightly
attractive right now.
199
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:13,016
Don't say that, Jack!
200
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,061
Come on. Me want food, right?
201
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,939
Do you want food, Jenna? Do you?
202
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,941
I don't know anymore!
203
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,442
I have no appetite!
204
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:23,777
It's okay.
205
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,069
Kenneth!
206
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:26,589
Kenneth here is
gonna be with you 24/7
207
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,613
to keep you fat.
208
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,144
Keep Jenna fat,
keep Jenna funny.
209
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:29,908
Am I right, Kenneth?
210
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,802
It'll be just like back
home on the pig farm.
211
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,495
I'm gonna fatten you
up, grow to love you,
212
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,664
and then my uncles'll
slit your throat.
213
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,938
So what have you
got for me, len?
214
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,464
Well, Mr. Donaghy,
you're pretty clean.
215
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,925
And your sex life
checks out real nice.
216
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,217
Thank you.
217
00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,570
There are a couple
of things though
218
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:51,388
that could get in the
way of this promotion.
219
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,366
Like you should probably
give up your membership
220
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,183
to the all-white
Woodvale country club.
221
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,810
That is not an all-white club.
222
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,687
What about Johnny
Carlos? He's ethnic.
223
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,082
He's the King of Spain,
Jack. I don't think that counts.
224
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,149
All right, I'll resign.
225
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,752
Okay, you also have
an undocumented
226
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:05,944
domestic employee.
227
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,029
Manuelo? No, I need Manuelo.
228
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:08,905
I could never pay
229
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,717
an English-speaking
person that little.
230
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,034
They'd starve.
231
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,886
All right, I'll send him home.
232
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:16,162
Well, that's it.
233
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,164
Unless you think I
missed something.
234
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,208
No, I think you've
been very thorough.
235
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,462
It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.
236
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,048
Oh, aack.
237
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,134
One last thing.
238
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,786
You don't have a
massive collection
239
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,387
of cookie jars, do you?
240
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,267
♪ ♪
241
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,645
How did you find out about that?
242
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,106
Collector of the year.
243
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,775
Congratulations,
Victor nightingale.
244
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:49,946
Thank you. Yes,
I'm Victor nightingale.
245
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,823
This is bad.
246
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,534
CEOs don't have
thousands of cookie jars.
247
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,106
Weird little guys
in bow ties do.
248
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,529
You hear what I'm getting at?
249
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:58,662
What?
250
00:08:58,830 --> 00:08:59,956
You saying it's a gay thing?
251
00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:01,875
You wish it was a gay thing.
252
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,847
This is worse. You've
gotta get rid of 'em.
253
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,211
No, I'm not doing that.
254
00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,212
I've already made
enough sacrifices
255
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:07,504
for this company.
256
00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,841
They're not gonna get this!
257
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,971
This is Rudolph Giuliani in 1987
258
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,515
with this collection of
antique wooden dolls.
259
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,184
That's a fake!
260
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,436
Giuliani doesn't collect dolls.
261
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:22,830
Yeah, you're right. He doesn't.
262
00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,397
Because he incinerated them!
263
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,608
In 1989, the year
he ran for mayor.
264
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,359
He looks so happy.
265
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,445
Oh, Jack, the choice is yours.
266
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,741
You can either be the head
267
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,513
of the largest
corporation in america,
268
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:41,039
or get buried in a bow tie
with a bunch of cookie jars.
269
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,047
Liz Lemon, where's Tracy?
270
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,716
He went to the vet.
271
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,008
His cobra got sick.
272
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,220
Okay. Hey, everybody.
273
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,806
I'm back from doing
whatever Liz Lemon said.
274
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,934
And what was that exactly?
275
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,644
Uh, my cobra, ramses.
276
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,187
He had got sick.
277
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,314
So I took him to the vet.
278
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,358
Then my thumb got
caught in my butt,
279
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,193
so I nodded my
head until it came out.
280
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:13,487
Come here, you.
281
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,992
You smell like Enorme
and brass Polish.
282
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,284
You were at a strip club.
283
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,696
It was all Liz Lemon's fault!
284
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,206
The whole plan was
hers. Oh, come on, man!
285
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:26,501
Tracy Jordan, you are
in for a world of hurt.
286
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,002
But you're worse.
287
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,546
I trusted you.
288
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,881
You wear glasses.
289
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,693
Your access to
Tracy Jordan is cut off.
290
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,344
You can't cut me
off. This I my show!
291
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,636
Not anymore.
292
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,430
Everything goes
through me now... come!
293
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:40,882
Good. Bye forever, Liz Lemon.
294
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,601
Thank you for
being my secretary!
295
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,189
Normally I would tell
Tracy our sketch ideas.
296
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:53,945
Okay.
297
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,655
In the opening sketch this week,
298
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:56,947
Tracy is a bank robber...
299
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,158
No.
300
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,410
I don't want to perpetuate
any black stereotypes.
301
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:01,702
Next.
302
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,538
Okay, well...
303
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,790
In this one, Tracy plays
304
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,668
a gentleman who wears
305
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,003
flamboyant clothes
306
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,297
and lives uptown.
307
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:13,909
He's a pimp. He's
an entrepreneur.
308
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,508
What's the character's name?
309
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,302
Slick-back Lamar.
310
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:20,555
He's also playing Barack Obama.
311
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,765
No. We support Kucinich.
312
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,602
Listen, Angie, I'm sorry I lied,
313
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,730
but you gotta give me
another chance... excuse me.
314
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,262
Did you just try to control
my body with your white hand?
315
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,861
Uh... don't make me
contact reverend Sharpton.
316
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,153
I can't deal with you.
317
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,364
I want new writers for Tracy,
318
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:39,696
or he doesn't do the show.
319
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,159
Grizz, Dotcom,
320
00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:42,660
start coming up with ideas.
321
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,666
We open on a lone soldier
walking through the desert.
322
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:53,379
The year: 1861. The place: Mars.
323
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,550
This stuff will make you
real fat, Ms. Moroney.
324
00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:00,053
It made my dad's heart
just up and give out.
325
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,014
And that's what made my
mom's friend Ron move in.
326
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:04,349
Hmm!
327
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:05,683
Mm.
328
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,644
Mm. Mm-hmm!
329
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:10,063
♪ Coming in for a landing ♪
330
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,024
Uh-oh! There's turbulence.
331
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,531
And now an Indian guy
got up to use the bathroom
332
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:17,731
and an air marshal shot him.
333
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:21,324
No, no, I can't.
334
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:25,161
Boy, I wish I had some
pig sedative right now.
335
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,289
Good-bye, cookie jars.
336
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,375
Thank you for taking
care of this for me.
337
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,001
No problem, Mr. Donaghy.
338
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,088
Oh, this is for the best.
339
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,258
No more secrets, nothing
standing in my way now.
340
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:39,549
Just out of curiosity,
341
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:42,178
what exactly are you
going to do with all of these?
342
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:43,614
They'll be taken to Jersey city
343
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,638
and incinerated.
344
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,516
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
345
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,244
I can't have that...
Give that to me.
346
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,348
It's your funeral, Donaghy.
347
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,645
I can't destroy them.
348
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,147
I'll give them to someone.
A fellow ceramophile.
349
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,692
You're like John kerry
with his wind surfing.
350
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:58,611
I warned him too.
351
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,701
Hey, how'd it go
with Angie? Terrible.
352
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,619
She hates me. She's
hijacking the show.
353
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:07,911
I've gotta talk to Jack.
354
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,765
Oh, you want a scary
black lady to be nice to you?
355
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:10,999
Tell her you like her nails.
356
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,001
Always works for me at the bank.
357
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,377
Hmm.
358
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:15,949
Ms. Lemon, may I speak with you?
359
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,006
Sure, can you walk and talk?
360
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,883
Uh, usually, but now you
got me thinking about it.
361
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:24,846
Jenna with problem I have...
362
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,347
There it is.
363
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,450
I'm supposed to be helping
Ms. Moroney stay fat,
364
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,474
but it's not working.
365
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:30,685
How do I get her to eat?
366
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,186
Well, a lot of women over-eat
367
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,998
because they feel
bad about themselves.
368
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,648
Maybe that's the problem.
369
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,020
Everything's going so well
for Ms. Moroney right now.
370
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,236
Yeah, so be mean to her.
371
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,363
Women with low
self-esteem take refuge
372
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,157
in either food or sex.
373
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,783
Not me, of course.
374
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,261
Hi, I just wanted to
meet you, Mr. Mason.
375
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:51,538
I'm a really big fan.
376
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,666
Who picked out your
outfit? Stevie wonder?
377
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,463
Hey! Hey!
378
00:13:58,755 --> 00:13:59,755
Ugh.
379
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,050
So you gotta be mean, Kenneth.
380
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,142
I guess I could wait for
her to drop something
381
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,804
and then say,
"smooth move, ex-lax."
382
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,696
That's what my mom's
friend Ron would do.
383
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:09,307
Oh, brother.
384
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,684
All right, Jenna
really wants this, huh?
385
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:12,976
Her career depends on it.
386
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,227
Please help.
387
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:15,914
Okay, do you have
something to write on?
388
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,441
Oh.
389
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,985
Oh, I got one.
390
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,366
Sir, someone else called
391
00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:27,937
about purchasing
your collection.
392
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,869
A Mr. Gary Heingarten.
393
00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:31,746
No, Jonathan,
he lives in Albany.
394
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,665
The temperature
fluctuations alone would...
395
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,293
These things
expand and contract.
396
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,253
They're alive, Jonathan.
397
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:43,132
Hey, do you have a
minute? Tracy's wife is...
398
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,504
What's with the cookie jar?
399
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:45,760
I collect them.
400
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:46,552
Really?
401
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,724
Is that some sort of
unresolved childhood thing?
402
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:49,931
Nice try.
403
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,766
We never had any
cookie jars in my home
404
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,702
because my mother
never baked us any cookies
405
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,566
because she never felt
we deserved any cookies.
406
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,643
So obviously it has nothing
to do with my childhood.
407
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,233
But that cookie jar
says "mom" on it.
408
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:01,776
I don't think so.
409
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,945
I've always viewed it
as an upside down wow.
410
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,405
But it doesn't matter now,
411
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:08,074
because I have to, um,
412
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,534
get rid of them all.
413
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:10,326
Why?
414
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:11,804
Because the guy
with the weird hobby
415
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,372
never gets the corner office.
416
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,125
Lemon, what is going on
on your Stage right now?
417
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,170
Ugh!
418
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:22,856
This is what I came
to talk to you about.
419
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,132
Tracy's wife is out of control.
420
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,943
Did you tell her you
like her fingernails?
421
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,218
No.
422
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:30,888
But I thought that we could
give her a consultant credit.
423
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,940
It's meaningless, but
it might calm her down.
424
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:33,641
Lemon, I'm impressed.
425
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,661
You're beginning to
think like a businessman.
426
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:38,646
A businesswoman. I
don't think that's a word.
427
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,541
Unfortunately, what
you've gotten yourself into
428
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,525
is not a business situation
but a family conflict,
429
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:43,151
so it's tricky
430
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,944
so what do I do about Angie?
431
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,174
I think you're gonna
have to fight her.
432
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,283
What? Yeah.
433
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,075
You throw her out.
434
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,453
She'll probably
punch you in the face.
435
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,013
Then we eject her
from the building
436
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,037
and we bar her for life.
437
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,567
Now, I think
Angie's right-handed,
438
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:58,124
so you have to
work her clockwise.
439
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,543
Wait, you've already
thought about fighting her?
440
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,035
Every time I meet a new person
441
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,355
I figure out how
I'm gonna fight 'em.
442
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,088
You have a gimpy
left knee, right?
443
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:04,881
No, I'm not gonna
fight anybody, Jack.
444
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,483
I'm just gonna give
her the stupid title
445
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:07,507
and she'll back off.
446
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:09,194
Lemon, you're gonna
get hit in the face,
447
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:10,418
and it's gonna hurt like hell.
448
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,391
You want to lean in to
take away their momentum.
449
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,056
Hands up, come
on! I don't want to.
450
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,142
Lean in, come on.
Oh, Jack, stop it!
451
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:20,313
Hello, Jenna.
452
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:21,765
"Still failing at over-eating
453
00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:23,584
just like you fail at
everything in your life?"
454
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,193
What? "You quitter."
455
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,445
"You gonna quit this like
you quit fashion school?
456
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:28,905
"Give up like you gave up
457
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,757
on your relationship
with David Blaine?"
458
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,284
He's the one who drove
the wedge with his magic.
459
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,578
Also, "you've got so
many daddy issues",
460
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,910
"the only thing keeping
you from being a stripper...
461
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:38,623
Is your weird mole."
462
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:42,710
Kenneth, that's very hurtful.
463
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,504
"You lied about
your brother drowning
464
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,797
so people would come
to your one-woman show."
465
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,967
Kenneth, I've never
heard you talk this way.
466
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,779
"Your toes look like
dried up shrimps."
467
00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,971
Ohh! Mm!
468
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,308
Oh, daddy!
469
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,809
Go on, keep talking.
470
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,895
What else don't
you like about me?
471
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,187
Uhh!
472
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,565
Can I help you?
473
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,860
Yes, uh, Angie, I know
474
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,946
you and I got off on
the wrong foot here.
475
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,615
But I want you to
know that I appreciate
476
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,951
your contribution to the show.
477
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:19,205
And so I want to offer
you a consultant credit.
478
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,165
I don't want that crap title.
479
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:21,958
You think you're
gonna buy me off
480
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,250
so I'll play nice?
481
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,211
Heh! It's never gonna happen.
482
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,798
Okay.
483
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,841
I'm ordering you to leave.
484
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,510
Excuse me?
485
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,262
Get your stuff and get out.
486
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,305
Don't make me say it again.
487
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:37,098
No, Liz Lemon, don't do it.
488
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,100
Are you stepping up on me?
489
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,152
So what if I am? Also,
your nails look tacky.
490
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,354
Oh, wait a minute!
491
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,398
Enough, damn it, enough!
492
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,984
Do I have to fix this situation?
493
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,735
I am the immature one.
494
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,279
But the both of you,
495
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,531
you're forcing me
to act like an adult.
496
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:54,907
An adult!
497
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,951
And even worse,
498
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,954
you're making me stop
two ladies from going at it.
499
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,373
But I don't care.
500
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,000
'Cause I'm putting my foot down.
501
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:05,772
You're putting your
foot down with me?
502
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:06,544
Uh-huh.
503
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,838
Baby, you got to go!
504
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:09,630
You're controlling.
505
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,966
You're manipulative.
You're loud...
506
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:12,758
Tracy... huh?
507
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,678
I've never heard you
talk like that before.
508
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,639
Wait, let me get the shirt off.
509
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,850
Get it off. Ooh!
510
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,226
Okay, so just to be clear,
511
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,854
does this mean
Angie is leaving or...
512
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,065
Oh, no! You guys
start with that?
513
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,735
That... wow! That is...
514
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,492
Mr. Donaghy, I've
got some bad news.
515
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,745
I wasn't able to get
Ms. Moroney to eat.
516
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,663
I'm so sorry. What happened?
517
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,583
Well, it turns out she's
the wrong kind of crazy.
518
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,418
And I guess we have
to get married now.
519
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,754
Apology accepted, Kenneth.
520
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,215
I suppose we're both
having a pretty bad day.
521
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:56,802
Ah, look at that
kooky old cookie jar.
522
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,971
I like the upside
down "wow" on it.
523
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,144
You like cookie jars, Kenneth?
524
00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:08,481
Well, I guess I never
thought about it that much.
525
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,650
We had a nice one
back home in Georgia.
526
00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,777
Had a bear on it.
527
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:17,448
I remember when my mom's
friend Ron would come over.
528
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:20,534
They'd go into the bedroom
to sort out their paperwork,
529
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:24,330
and I'd just go ahead
and stare at that cookie jar.
530
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,082
It was almost as if
531
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:29,377
I took every problem
that I ever had
532
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,672
and I put inside
that cookie jar.
533
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,465
And I sealed it up so tight
534
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:38,803
that nothing would
never, ever, ever get out.
535
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,516
So I guess to
answer your question,
536
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:46,644
I'd give cookie
jars about a "b."
537
00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,312
Some people have
so many problems
538
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,106
that there aren't
enough cookie jars
539
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,649
in the world to contain them.
540
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:54,068
Oh, well, that just
makes me sad.
541
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:59,490
Kenneth, I have a
cookie jar collection.
542
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,200
Would you like to have it?
543
00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:03,244
Of course, sir, I'd love to!
544
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,413
Always hold them
squarely at the base,
545
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,705
never by the lid.
546
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:07,872
And should you ever go
547
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:09,583
to the convention in sarasota,
548
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,044
please tell Patty and
Beth and all of them
549
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:15,005
that, uh, Vic
nightingale says hello.
550
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,297
Uh, okay, sir.
551
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,855
Are you happy now,
you son of a bitch?
552
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,944
You son of a bitch.
38727
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