All language subtitles for hbhbvg

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[wind blowing]

[far-off rock music playing]

["Eyes" by Wine Lips]

♪ Just trying to make it
Till the weekend ♪

♪ So I can close my eyes ♪

♪ So stuck
I hit another dead end ♪

♪ What a big surprise♪♪

- GPS: In 0.3 miles, turn right.

- I get it.

[turns music louder]

[phone ringing]

- [beep]
- Hey, Mom.

[Mom speaks native language]

- In 0.3 miles, turn right.
- Goddamn it, shut up.

- Mom, I'm not talking to you.
It's the GPS.

- I don't know.
I'm not there yet.

- Mom, I'm pretty sure
that's illegal.

- It's not illegal.
I look it up.

- [laughs] Okay. Bleach, got it.

- [phone beeps]
- Anything else?

Oh, Mom, it's Zack.
One second.

- Who's Z--
- Hi, baby.

I miss you.
My mom says hi.

ZACK: Hello?

- [Zack cuts in and out]
- Zack?

- Can you hear me, babe?
- Can you hear me?

- [static]...the road?

- Yeah, but I might lose you,

'cause I'm about to
make the turnoff.

[truck horn wails]

Yep. Just missed it.

- ZACK: I don't know
if you can hear me,

but like, um, it's really...

so I'm probably
going to close up... five.

[birds cawing]

- Want to come visit me later?

Got a new bikini.

[crunching]

Zack? Dude,
we can have sex in the jacuzzi.

Hello?

[whimpers]
Okay, if you can hear me,

please come visit me later

because I love you
and I miss you

and I hate being alone.

Okay? Bye.

Mom?

- Mom. I--

- In English, please?
Mom, all right--

Uh--oh...
- [speaking native language]

- Can't... out... desert.
- [speaking native language]

- Bye.
- [beep]

[rock music resumes]

[music ends]

[eerie theme music]

[muffled rock music]

[heavy breathing]

- ♪ Did he say to me ♪
- Oh...

...fuck.

♪ Before he walked away ♪

♪ Oh, on that summer day

♪ I sighed sweetly ♪

- Poor guy.

♪ When he recalled my name ♪

♪ I knew he felt the same ♪

- [whistle trills]
- ♪ Singing ♪

♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la-aa ♪

[buzzes]

- ♪ Did he notice ♪
- ♪ Ooh, la, ooh ♪

♪ When I looked back at him ♪

- ♪ My heart was fluttering ♪
- ♪ Na-na, na-na ♪

♪ Does he, does he ♪

♪ Although I'm such a fool ♪

♪ I let him
Break my heart in two ♪

♪ Singing
Ooh, la, la, la, la-aa♪♪

[music continues on radio]

- ♪ I know it's a fling ♪
- ♪ Doo wah wah ♪

♪ But he makes my smile sing ♪

[metal object drags ground]

♪ I'm waiting-- ♪

[music sting]

♪ Ooh, wah wah ♪

♪ To realize what he's missing ♪

- ♪ Ooh, wah wah ♪
- ♪ Oh! ♪

[loud chewing]
- Officer Miller.

- You should really start
calling me Officer Klein.

- But your name tag says Miller,
just like mine.

- Hey, Charlie?

Can you order me
a new nameplate?

CHARLIE: [radio static]
Copy that.

- With my maiden name on it.
- CHARLIE: Copy that.

Hey, does that, uh,
mean, you know,

Bob signed the papers?

- None of your goddamn business,
Dispatch.

- Hey, Bob.
Blake, we still hanging out

after your shift tonight?

- Charlie--
- Shut the fuck up, guy.

- Bobby, we were just gonna
go for breakfast, man.

You can come, too.

[sighs]

- Ricky, I can hear you.
You're late.

- I was cashing out.

- What time are we leaving?

- [sighs] Sam and Dwayne
left two hours ago.

- Okay, I guess we'll hurry up.

- If I'd have known
you'd be this late,

I would have rode with them.

- Wait, I wasn't going to
drive to the desert by myself.

And why are we
spending the weekend

with people we don't like?

- I like you.

And Sam and Dwayne.
Can you get the bags?

- Wayne's a piece of shit.

- Okay, well, you like Sam.

- No, I feel bad for Sam.

- She's just having fun.

- Bruh, she's gonna be on
her phone the entire weekend.

- Yeah, she has half a million
followers to entertain.

- Then just admit--

this is for networking
and not a vacation.

- Can't it be both?

- You're a legit actress.
She's a salesperson.

- Yeah, I'm also trying
to be a product.

[speaks Spanish]

- Ricky, we are
going to the desert

to stay in a beautiful house,

and if you play
your cards right,

you might get laid.

- Okay, that's fine,

but I need to take a shower,
'cause I smell like balls.

- Oh, my God.
Yes, please, hurry up.

- Thank you.
- [sighs]

Get the bags.

[ominous music]

- [phone chimes]
- SAM: Hey, guys.

We are getting ready to head to

our really high vibe
destination for this weekend,

me and my man.

Dwayne, say hey, babe.

- DWAYNE: Hey, babe.
- [Sam chuckles]

SAM: He's so funny. We love him.

Anyway, just check back in.

I'm so excited
for you guys to walk with me

on my journey this weekend,
really taking the next steps.

Anyway, I'm going to
be sharing a lot

of heart-centered, um...

announceme--
I'm gonna start again.

Well, no, we can't.
Fuck me. Goddamn it.

Do this one perfect.
[phone chimes]

Hey guys,
we are getting ready to head

to our really high vibe
destination for this weekend,

me and my man.

Dwayne, say hey, babe.

- DWAYNE: Hey, babe.
- [Sam laughs]

We love him. He's so funny.

Anyway, I am really
excited to share with you

some really
heart-centered updates

as you walk with me
on this journey this weekend.

[chuckles]

Don't forget to like
and comment below

and what you think about,
you bring about.

[sniffles]

- Hey, guys.

Hey. [sniffles]

Hey, guys.

- [phone chimes]
- Hey, guys.

We are getting ready to head to

our really high vibe
destination for this weekend,

me and my man.
Dwayne, say hey, babe.

- Hey, babe.
- [laughs]

We love him. He's so funny.

Anyway, I am really
excited to share with you,

um, some really
heart-centered updates

as you walk with me
on this journey this weekend.

Anyway, don't forget
to like and comment below

and what you think about,
you bring about.

[phone chimes]

You're not wearing that,
are you?

- Yeah, that's why I put it on.

- Well, where's the shirt
I got for you?

- Dirty.
- Babe!

- Babe.

- No, I told you that
a sponsor sent that to me

and we have to post about it.

- That doesn't mean
that it doesn't get dirty.

[groans]

- I need you to
be present this weekend.

- Okay.
- I'm in the middle of
a re-brand

and I'm in negotiations with
a new sponsor, okay?

Here.

Chew this.

It's CBD gum.
It's supposed to help with PMS.

Tell me if you like it.

What time are Carrie and Ricky
leaving for the desert?

- I don't know.
- But they're coming, right?

- Yeah, they're coming.

- Do you think Carrie likes me?

- Yes, Carrie likes you.
Ricky likes you.

- Ricky hates me.
- [Dwayne chuckles]

No, Ricky hates me.
He likes you.

- Are you lying to me?

- To shut you up?

Would that work?

- No.

No, it wouldn't.

- They're coming to your party.
Who cares?

- It's not a party.
It's a big--

- Big announcement.

- You're such a dick.

Can you get the bags?

- Hey, I got a question.

Does Sam know
that you used to date Dwayne?

- [chuckles]

That wasn't dating.

- Okay, I'll make sure
to mention that to her.

- She has no reason
to be jealous.

- [singsongs] But you do.

- Why would I be jealous of Sam?

- Well, Dwayne got himself
a younger version of you.

- She's not that much younger.

- Five years
and more "successful."

- Okay, well, at least
I don't convince teenagers...

...to bedazzle their vaginas.

- Shit,
maybe I should be jealous.

- Mm. Maybe if you had
a six-pack like Dwayne.

- Fuck you.
- I said might.

["I Lie When I Drink"
by Dale Watson, ]

[music continues on stereo,
muffled]

- Top off?

- Sure.

Say, didn't I
see you this morning?

- Didn't I see you this morning?

- Guilty.

But, uh, I left and came back.

You ever leave?

- Been working double
since December.

- Ah.
'Cause the theater closed.

- Big no.
You ordering food?

- Yeah, I'll just take uh,
white toast, dry.

[Bobby sighs]

- So how long
you been fucking Dispatch?

- How long you been
drinking on the job?

- I asked you first.

- Charlie and I are friends.

- You couldn't wait to be
friends till we were divorced?

- You won't sign the papers.

- Is that what you really want?

- Jesus, Bobby,
you know the answer.

- Then why can't you
say it out loud?

- Bobby Miller,
I need a divorce. So do you.

- No, I don't need the divorce.
I'm fine.

- Then why'd you fuck Gwen?

[chokes]

- Thank you, Patty.
- Thank you, Patty.

- Okay, I want to know where
did you hear that bullshit.

- From Gwen.

- [radio static]
- Dispatch for Klein.

Yo, Blake, you there?

- Go for Klein.
- Hey, we just got a call.

Lady was screaming
in the background,

but reception was
kind of all over the place.

- Where at?
- That old ranch,

the rental property,
you know, off Albee Road.

- Yeah, I know it.
We'll be there in five.

Gah!

- Not that it's
any of my business...

...but you shouldn't
be drinking on the job.

- That's what I said.

- Yeah, you're right, Patty.

It's none of your business.

- I'm worried about you two.

[tense music plays]

- DWAYNE: So we're still
a few miles out.

Traffic was no joke.

We'll be there right about 6:00,

so we'll see you later, 'kay?

Bye, kiddo.

- [electronic music on radio]
- "Kiddo"? Really?

♪ Lookin' up to see
That she is not there ♪

- Want me to start
calling you kiddo?

- Ew, no.
- Role playing thing?

- Ew! Babe, that's gross!
- [chuckles]

- Kiddo?
- [chuckles]

[electronic music continues]

- Ugh. It's too loud.

- [volume blares]
- MAN: Weather on the way

from SoCal's...
- Wait, what's your passcode?

- Why do you want to
get on my phone?

- Well, why don't you want me
to get in your phone?

- I just want to know why.

- Because I want to
get into your settings

and I want to
change your video to 4K

so you can record
my announcement tonight.

Is that all right?
- 6536.

- Do you want to know mine?
- Nope.

- Why not?

- I don't need it.

- Well, for your information,
I don't have one because

I have nothing to hide.

- Neither do I.
- Mm-hmm. Kiddo.

["Vroom" by Vic Sage]
♪ Hop in the car
Watch it go vroom ♪

♪ Vroom ♪

♪ I told em all
That I'd blow soon ♪

[muffled hip-hop music plays]

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Shit. Shit.

- [phone alarm chirps]
- Get it out.

- [chuckles] Oh, my gosh.
- [phone chirps]

- [phone chimes]

- RICKY: There you go. Okay.

- DWAYNE ON VOICEMAIL:
Hey, Care Bear.

We're a few miles out.
Traffic was no joke.

We'll be there
right about 6:00, 'kay?

See you. Bye, kiddo.

[whistling]

- Can you hurry up?

We have 80 miles to go.

Shake, shake.

- Well, you know it's unhealthy
to hold a piss, right?

- Did your mommy tell you that?

- That's cute.

- SAM ON VIDEO: Hey, guys,
we are getting ready to head

to our really high vibe
destination this weekend.

- So.
- Me and my man.

- What are you doing there?
- Dwayne, say hey, babe.

- I'm watching Sam's story.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- What's so funny?

- It's Dwayne.
He has his shirt off, see?

-...excited to share with you

some really
heart-centered updates

as you walk with me
on this journey this weekend.

[chuckles]

Anyway, don't forget
to like and comment below

and what you think about,
you bring about.

[suspenseful music plays]

- Goddamn it!
Where is this fucking house?

- I thought you knew.
- I--I lied.

- [scoffs]
- [siren wails]

- [siren winds down]
- What are you doing?

- We don't need the cherries.

It's probably just
some fucking dry humpers.

- You know what?
This is a 911 call, okay?

So this could be
a matter of life or death.

- [drink can pops open]
- The fuck is that?

[gulps]
It's a cry for help or a--

or a desperate coping mechanism.

Okay,
here come the party police.

[siren blaring]

- [gulps beer]
- Just give this to me.

- BOBBY: Jesus! Goddamn it.

- Fucking stop driving
like an asshole.

- I am an asshole.

- You are on the job.

[siren stops]

[suspenseful music plays]

[muffled hip-hop music]

- DWAYNE: So isolated.

- SAM: Yeah, that's sort
of the point, babe.

- Whose Jeep is that?
- I don't know.

- It's too nice to be Ricky's.

- SAM: Oh, my God.
Be nice, babe.

♪ Then I take offense ♪

♪ When I see you
Share some with-- ♪

You guys, we made it.

I wish...

...you could feel
the energy out here.

It's literally magic.

My heart chakras
never felt so open.

Hey, babe,
can you take this?

Can you take the champagne?

Thanks.

- I don't drink champagne.
- Did I ask you to drink it?

[sighs] Okay, but you
have to... turn the label.

Babe?

Babe, like-- just, like, relax.
Do that pose I taught you.

No, but, like,
you have to get in frame

and just like...[sighs]

Babe, you're not
your highest self right now.

Can you please--
can you do this for me?

You're vibrating at
a really low frequency.

Just-- just smile.

- Oh, fuck.
- [phone chimes]

- Are you pregnant?
- What?

Would I bring
a giant bottle of champagne

if I were pregnant?

- You tell me.

- What if I was?

- Depends.
Who's the father?

- Fuck you.

- Don't come at me
all of a sudden

like you want to have a baby
because we both know you don't.

- Don't tell me what I want.

Maybe I changed my mind.

- You don't want a baby.

You could never
share the spotlight.

- You are such a dick.

- And you are not pregnant.

So why did you drag me
out into the desert

in the middle of nowhere?

What is up
with that ridiculous scarf?

- It's vintage.

And you'll find out
when everybody else does.

- I don't follow you
on Instagram.

[suspenseful music builds]

- What?!

[muffled smooth R&B plays]

- CARRIE: Who drives the Jeep?

- RICKY: Sam probably brought
a camera crew.

[music continues]

- She's not that bad.

[music turns off]

Okay, she's exactly that bad.
- Thank you.

- [sighs] What do you think
the big announcement is?

- I was sworn to secrecy.

- By who?

By Sam?

Fine. Fuck it.
I don't want to know.

- Sam has breast cancer.
That's it.

- What did you say?

- I don't mean that's it
like "That's it."

- Did you say Sam has cancer?

- Yeah,
she's making some big old

social media event
bullshit out of it.

- How do you know all this?

- She told me at Jens' party.

She said she wasn't
telling anybody, so.

- Wait, that party
was this past Sunday.

- You've known all week
and you didn't say anything?

- Sam's keeping it a secret.

- No, you are.

- Look, I don't want
to talk about it, okay?

- Why? Because my mother?

Because you knew this
could ruin my entire weekend?

- Yeah, yeah.
- But you did tell me.

Just not soon enough for me
to decide if I was ready

to deal with this shit or not.

I'm not going to
stand there and cry

for half a million followers.

Fuck that.

- RICKY: Seriously?

Hey, it's not too late.
We can still leave.

- Babe! Are you serious?

- Oh, yeah, I'm serious.

- Did you unfollow me
or did you just never follow me?

- I don't know.

- I can't wait to see inside.

Okay, there's my rock,
holding a rock.

He keeps me grounded.
[chuckles]

- There's no key.
- Did you try the door?

- No.

- Good thing it's unlocked.

- That's weird.

- Babe, don't forget
the champagne. Come on.

[to camera] We made it!
There's a pool table.

- Hello?
- Oh, my gosh.

I'm so excited to
take you guys along with us

on this weekend journey.

Oh, look,
there's a record player.

- DWAYNE: Hello?

- Babe, I hope they have
Johnny Cash. Jesus!

- WOMAN: Oh, my God.
- Are you the property manager?

- WOMAN: Oh, my God.
Don't hurt me, please!

I'll give you whatever you want!

- Nobody's going to hurt you.
- WOMAN: Richard!

- We're not gonna do
anything to you, lady.
- WOMAN: Don't touch me!

- DWAYNE: Calm down.
- No, don't come near me!

Richard. Richard!

- Put your hands down, Liz.

And apologize for the theatrics.

- [laughing]

I'm sorry.

- RICHARD: Now,
what can we do for you?

- Sir, checkout was at noon.

- Lucky for me,
I don't own a watch.

- How about if I take that
and put it in the fridge?

I can show you
where the kitchen is.

It's really beautiful.

- Okay.

- Sir, you and your wife
seem like lovely people,

but you need to leave.

- Don't call me sir.

- Okay.

- [phone chimes]
- SAM: Oh, my gosh.

You guys will not believe

who the universe
sent into my journey.

We have my new soul sister,

- Liz.
- Liz. Say hi.

- Hi.
- [overlapping chatter]

- SAM: Fuck.
- Turn that shit off.

LIZ: Richard, relax.
It is just a phone.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just a bit of a technophobe.

- He hates being recorded.
- I wasn't talking to you.

- SAM: Yeah, I'm fine.

- By the way, I love your scarf.

- Thank you. It's vintage.

- What do you like about me?

- Can we talk?
- RICHARD: Liz, stop that.

- Seriously.
What do you like about me?

- You have nice hair.

- That's true.

- Can we talk?
- RICHARD: Liz.

- What, you don't agree?

- Liz gets hung up on worth.

- Richard jerks off to
pornographic cave paintings.

[Richard laughs suddenly]

- She's not wrong.
- Ew.

- You done?
- What?

- You done with your
little song and dance?

- So I guess you
were expecting someone else

to answer the door.

- Yeah, we're meeting
our friends here, so--

- Of course.

Friendship is
so important at your age.

- Fuck that.
Fuck her and fuck you.

- Excuse me.
Can I help you?

- I'm sorry.
That was for him, not for you.

Who are you?

- I was just about to
ask you the same question.

- RICHARD: Who's here?
- I'm not sure,
but she's feisty.

- Hey, hey, hey,
nobody's being feisty, relax.

We just don't know who you are
and you're in our house.

- Hold on, sweetie.
This is my house.

- No, actually,

we're staying here with
our friends this weekend.

- Do I look like your friend?

- What's going on, dear?

- These folks are
looking for their friends.

- You staying around here?
- No, we're staying here.

- Sorry. Must have the wrong
place or the wrong day.

- No, we have the right place
and it's the right night.

- Well, maybe we made a mistake.

Either way, come inside
while we figure this out.

We don't want to
tease the coyotes.

- No, hey. Nia, hey, psst.

- DWAYNE: Checkout was at noon.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, I might ask you
the same question, Mr. Man.

Barging in here
without knocking.

You scared the shit out of me.

- We were looking
for our friends.

- They're meeting us here.

- Well, what do they look like?
Maybe we've seen them.

- Ricky's Cuban.
He has long hair.

- Carrie is a pretty redhead.
- What, like me?

- Liz hasn't been a real redhead
since the proof was fashionable.

- Does Carrie have proof
or does she wax?

- I hate to change the subject,

but we haven't seen anyone
all day, have we, hon?

- No, we haven't seen
any redheaded Latinos.

All we've seen is one big...

beautiful...

black man.

- And his bald girlfriend.
- [gasps]

- Hey, dude!
- The fuck?

- My mistake.
- Got that right.

- Look, we rented
this house a week ago.

- LIZ: How was your stay?

- That's not what I meant.

- You liked it so much
you just wanted to come back up

and share a weekend with us?

- No, what I mean is
you're not supposed to be here.

We rented this house for
the weekend. We can prove it.

Can't we, babe?
- My pleasure.

- Babe, just open the app.

- Can't open the app
without Wi-Fi.

- Well, what's the Wi-Fi code?

- Wi-Fi code
is embedded in the PDF,

which I can't open
'cause there's no signal.

- Catch-22.

- I told you to
take a screenshot.

What's the Wi-Fi code?

- Sorry,
we don't own a computer.

- There's got to be a way.
- There's not.

- The fuck?

- Don't be so hard on yourself,
sweetie.

We all make mistakes.

- [sighs] Jesus.

- You know what?
I'm going to call Carrie.

- The sexy redhead with no bush?

- Men. You can't live with them,

but what else
are you gonna fuck?

[both laugh]

- Hey, Care Bear, we're here.

You guys will
probably be late

'cause of some Ricky bullshit,

but there's some weird
old white couple here that--

Just get here.

["Doo Wop Does He"
by Grace Mesa resumes]

- ♪ Did he notice ♪
- [screams]

♪ Ooh, la ♪

♪ When I looked back at him ♪

♪ My heart was fluttering ♪
♪ Na na, na na ♪

♪ Does he, does he ♪

- ♪ Ooh, la ♪
- [shrieks]

[distorted music continues]

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ I know it's... ♪

[Jesse gasps]

- Looking for these?

[Jesse screams]

- No.

- [crying]

[Jesse screams]

- [screaming continues]
- [shower curtain ripping]

[on voicemail]
- Hey, you've reached Dwayne.

It's that busy season.

I'm either with a--another call.

Please leave your num--

Get back--you
just as soon as I c--

Thanks.

- Hey Dee, it's me.

Um, so there is this really
weird old couple here

and they say that they rented
the place instead of us.

Any chance you could just
forward me the confirmation?

Do even have the right weekend?

[clattering, door closes]

- Any luck with Sam?

- I can't get ahold of her.
There's barely any service.

- So what are we going to
do about these two?

- Hey, dudes.

- We could kill him.

Follow my lead.

[jazz music plays on stereo]

- Look what I found.

- No man, we're good.

- Oh, more for me.

- RICHARD: Oh. Now I understand.

- I'd offer you some,

but this would
probably melt your face off.

- This might be laced with PCP.

- Any luck
reaching your friends?

- They're on their way.

They got a flat
a few miles back.

- Oh, that's unfortunate.

- [chuckles]

So they confirmed
this is the house you rented?

- Yeah, they said Albee Road.

- LIZ: Richard,
maybe we should leave.

- Don't you want to
meet their fun friends?

- Only if they're
bringing more booze.

- Wait, so you guys
drank that all by yourselves?

- So what if we did, Mr. Man?

It's our anniversary.

[jazz music continues]

- Another deceased
caucasian female in there,

two in the bedroom,
one in the bathroom,

and this guy.

You can put that down.
He's already dead.

- That's five.

- I'm calling it in.
- Hold on. Wait a second.

Don't call yet.

- What are you talking about?

- Our town has never
seen anything like this.

- Yeah, which is why
I'm calling the state police.

- Yeah,
but this is our crime scene.

It should be our jurisdiction.
It's our case.

- Klein for Dispatch.
I need the state police...

and a shit ton of body bags.

[door closes]

- You okay?

- Did you call the Staties?

- Yeah.

But...

...we could still solve this.

- That's not funny.

- Not a joke.

- I don't know what you mean.

- Well, till they get here,
this is still our crime scene.

- Ah, there's no time.

- We got, like, 20 minutes.

- You and me,
we're gonna solve the...

biggest homicide
in Chester County in 20 minutes?

- Yep.

- All right? Done.

[jazz music continues]

- Where's my girlfriend?

- Any luck
getting ahold of your friends?

- They're not picking up.
Where is Sam?

- I think she's in
the bathroom making videos.

- LIZ: What time
did they leave LA?
- About an hour ago. Sam!

- Well, good.
That gives us some time

to get to know each other
before we toss your asses

out to the coyotes.

[Liz and Richard laugh]

- Where's the fucking bathroom?

- It's through there.

- Sam.

Sam.
- Hey.

- [gasps]
- Sorry.
I think we should leave.

These people are
really fucking freaking me out.

They're really weird.

- Hey, this is your weekend.

Nothing's going to
happen to you while I'm here.

These people are harmless.
They just want attention.

- You promise?

- Let's get you those sponsors.

- Champagne?
- Jesus.

- A toast.

- Mmm.

To new friends.

- [chuckles]
- [chuckles] Oh, what?

Mmm.

The good stuff.
- Mm-hmm.

- This is some of the
best Scotch money can buy.

- This shit?

- They only sell this
to connoisseurs...

and douchebags.

So...

which one are you?

- RICHARD: Hmm.

Hard to say.

I just found this
in the cupboard.

- LIZ: What a beautiful night.

- You come out here a lot?

- Every chance we get.

We love the seclusion.

- Even the Mormons
leave us alone.

- It's too bad.
Those boys give great head.

- So are you two swinger
or something?

Because you should know,
we are not interested.

- No, dear.

We're just two
out-of-work actors

not afraid to research a role,
to dig deep.

- Film or television?

- Oh, we prefer the "thea-tah."

- We're actors.

- Richard used to be a mime.
- Low blow.

But I was the best mime
in the square.

- So you don't like movies?

- No, I like a good film.

But when
the house lights come up,

I'd like a fair shot
at banging the lead.

- Is that how you two met?

- That's how I meet
a lot of men.

- Samantha,
what's your favorite movie?

- I don't want to say.
- Oh, let me guess.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's."

- SAM: Nope.

[mockingly]
- "An Affair to Remember."

- RICHARD: I know.

"Guess Who's Coming to Dinner."

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It was a joke.

- A bad joke

from 50 years ago.

- Relax, bro.

- Uh, it's "Jaws."
- Really?

- Yeah. When I was little,

it was the only
VHS tape my dad had

and my brother and I
would watch it all the time.

- Did you hear that, Richard?

What's the matter with "Jaws"?

- Hollywood used to
come to the theaters

looking for talent,

but after "Jaws".

they just hire
a special effects guy

to fist-fuck a puppet through
a rehashed morality tale.

- [whispers] They say profanity
is a sign of intelligence.

- [also whispers]
Do they say that?

- Fuck superheroes,
fuck George Lucas

and fuck "Jaws."

- [sings Jaws theme] Doo doot.

Doo doot. Doo doot.

Doo doot, doo doot,
doo doot, doo doot, doot do.

[claps]

- We're going to need
a bigger boat.

- The actual line is "You're
going to need a big boat."

- RICHARD: I'm sorry,
you don't get it.

Our memories
are flawed to protect us

and to make
our lives seem meaningful.

- More champagne?

- Dwayne doesn't like champagne.
- [chuckles]

- That's right.

I prefer scotch.

A toast.

- Do you know that Liz

drank an entire
bottle of champagne

on our wedding night?

- What happened?
- I don't know if I should say.

Have they legalized sodomy yet?

- Richard! Jesus.
- [chuckles]

- Dwayne was about to
make a toast.

- A toast.

To putting
all our cards on the table.

- RICHARD: What does that mean?

- I'd like to see
your email confirmation.

- I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.

- Can't open the confirmation
without the Wi-Fi code.

- Because you didn't
take a screenshot.
- Exactly.

- It's getting
kind of cold out here.

I think I'll go inside.

- RICHARD: What did I say?

Was it the sodomy thing?

[Liz playing piano]
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah

- There you go.
You forgot this.

[singing continues]

- When do you think
this place was built?

- I would say the late '40s.

But why do you care about
a building's birthday?

- I don't care, man.
I'm just making small talk.

- A building's just
a container, right?

- I guess.

- You like the Beatles?
- Of course.

- Which one's your favorite?

- That's-- That's a tough one.

- Gun to your head.
Who's your favorite?

- I'd say John.

- He's great, right?
- Yeah.

- But nobody gives a shit
about John Lennon's mother

or her fucking birthday.
[chuckles]

[plays discordant notes]

- Richard has some issues with

[low voiced]
women.

- Don't all men?

- What's Ricky's issue?

- Wait. I don't have
any problems with women.

- Your girlfriend says you do.

- No, that's not what I said.

- Yeah, you did.
You said, "Don't all men?"

- What? No.
- Yeah.

You said, "Don't all men"
have issues with women.

- I-- I didn't mean what I said.

- Well, does Ricky
know the difference?

- Between what?

- Between what a woman says
and what a woman means.

[discordant tones play]

- Wait. I support women
as much as the next guy.

- More than most.

- What year...
did women get the right to vote?

- He doesn't know
the answer to that.

- I might.

- You don't.

- LIZ: It was a trick question.
We've always had the right.

- RICHARD: Even I knew that.

- Well, Carrie, let me ask you,

on what day were women
actually allowed to vote?

- I don't know. You tell me.

- I'm sorry. Is that offensive?

- Is what offensive?
- Allowed.

I used the word "allowed"

as if it wasn't
something you fought for

or, I mean, they fought for.

- I'm not offended.
Maybe just a little confused.

- I mean, you didn't actually
fight for anything, right?

I mean,
I don't mean you exactly,

but I am including you.

- What she means
is your generation

really hasn't furthered
the women's movement.

- She understands me, Richard.
- Of course I do.

I just don't think
I deserve to be lumped in

with my entire generation.

- Well, maybe you have
a problem with women.

[Richard chuckling]

I know I do.

- [whispering] Thanks
for defending me, asshole.

[1920's swing jazz playing]

- Mind if I join you?

- Sure.

Five bucks a game.

- Make it 20.

Rack 'em.

- LIZ: No matter what
the occasion,

women always
migrate to the kitchen.

- We're well trained.

- When we were newlyweds,
I gave Richard food poisoning.

Now he won't even
let me near the microwave.

- [chuckles] You're funny.

- So, when did you find out
you were sick?

- What do you mean?

- It's okay, dear.
You can say it.

- Say what?

- Just say the word.
It'll help. Trust me.

- What word?

- Sam, just say it.

- Cancer?

- But without the question mark.

- [sighs] Cancer.

- There you go.

You feel better?

Well, probably not.

But you can't
break out of a cage

if you don't know you're in it.

- How could you tell?

- I can see it in your eyes.

So, when did you find out?

- About a week ago.

- Are you scared?

- A little.

Okay. A lot.

- I was, too.

But with a cheap oncologist
and an expensive wig,

you'll be fine.

- You had cancer?

- I still do.

I'm in remission.

Six months.

And that's why
we're out here celebrating.

- Did you lose your hair?
- Ah, it's hard to tell, huh?

Don't look too close.
[chuckles]

- I was gonna
shave my head last night,

but I didn't want
Dwayne to freak out.

- Smart girl.

How's he taking it?

- I haven't told him yet.

I was, um-- I was gonna
tell everybody tonight.

- Over a big expensive bottle
of champagne, and I opened it.

- It's okay.

At least I had somebody here
to help me drink it.

- We sure were.

- [laughs] I was gonna
throw this... party

to celebrate my inevitable
victory over cancer.

God, it sounds so stupid
when I say it out loud.

- It's not stupid, darling.
You're an optimist.

- No, I just really--
I just really like parties,

especially if they're for me,
you know.

- It's not a very big party for
a girl with a million friends.

- It's only half a million,
and they're just followers.

I don't have
that many friends actually.

- Oh, come on.
A pretty girl like you?

- And I'm just not ready
for any of this to be real.

- Let me tell you,
the cancer is real.

But don't just sit around
waiting for it to kill you.

- BLAKE: Master bedroom.
Two deceased.

Black male, mid-to-late 30s.

Stab wound
to the upper right abdomen.

Does not look self-inflicted.

- BOBBY: Female,
early 30s, Caucasian.

Ligatures around the neck
and a garotte...

from a scarf.

That's kinky.

So, what do you thinking,
an orgy?

I bet an orgy gone
horribly wrong obviously.

This could be like a...

autoerotic asphyxiation
kind of thing. Right?

- With a little knife play?

- Yeah. But who
staged them like this?

["The Flower Duet"
by Lo Delibes]

[billiard balls clacking]

- So, you're new to acting?

- Started in college
after I broke my shoulder.

- Oh.

Football?

- Pole vaulting.

Pole snapped,
and I missed the pad.

- So, how did that
lead to acting?

- My therapist thought
it might help take my mind off

of my lost scholarship
and failed athletic career.

- So, you gave up your own life
to live someone else's.

- Yeah.

Sounds corny,
but it helped a lot.

- Makes this all seem silly,
right?

- What?

This? Tonight?

- Yeah.

Four people...

arguing over which couple
gets to stay in the house

with four bedrooms.

- You have a point.

- Well, there you are.
- I'm not hiding.

- Yeah, then what is it
exactly that you're doing?

- I'm being on vacation.
You should try it.

- I don't think you fully
appreciate this situation.

- And what's that?

- The weekend's a bust.

Your friends aren't coming.

And these swinging hippies--

- They're not swinging hippies.

- I'll take that back.

- Richard!
- Hey, shut up, will you?

- Liz!
- Shh. What are you doing?

Get your shit together.
We're getting out of here.

[Carrie chuckles]

- What's your hurry?

What's her name?

- Care Bear. Right?

That's what he calls you.

- That's long ago.
- Nah, fuck this. I'm out.

- RICHARD: So, what do you do
for a living?

- I sell Korean computer parts

to a few Japanese
factories in the Midwest.

[Richard chuckles]

- "Made in the USA," huh?

- We prefer the term "assemble."

- Have you been to Asia?

- Sam and I are going to
Tokyo in the fall.

- You're gonna love it.

Back in the '80s,

I went to Japan to
do research for a role.

It's a beautiful country.

- Wait a minute.
You played an Asian?

- Not like Hepburn or Rooney.

I just straightened my hair
and changed my I's to R's.

- Well, you can't
do that anymore.

- Oh, I know. But why not?

- 'Cause you're not Asian.

- Well, I'm not Danish either.

But I've played Hamlet
eight times.

[opera music continues

[billiard balls clacking]

Damn.

- "God hath given you one face,

and you make yourself another,"

Richard. [pats shoulder]

- [radio ]...gearing up for
what some fear could...

- Hey, sweetie.

You're not gonna find
a motel room out here.

It's Memorial Day weekend.

- I'll drive to L.A.
I don't give a fuck.

- Right.

And leave your
girlfriend here with us?

Honey, we're strangers.

- Our friends are on their way.

You keep saying that,

but I don't
really think you believe it.

- Fuck!

- Do you feel better?

- What are you thinking?

- I think it's obvious.

- Sure. But specifically?

- [laughs] Well,
self-explanatory

because of the way
her clavicle is--

- Yeah. Moving on.

- [sighs]

Hey, I also--

["Miss Lindy"
by Larry & the Lamplighters]

♪ Have you ever
Met Miss Lindy? ♪

♪ She's the gal
With the bright red hair ♪

♪ Now she stands out
From all the rest ♪

♪ You'd know her anywhere ♪

♪ Well, she's mine ♪

♪ Yeah, she's mine ♪

♪ Well, I love
That little girl ♪

♪ With the bright red hair ♪

♪ Well Miss Lindy
My Miss Lindy ♪

- Don't stop on my account.

- You don't give me much choice.

- Where did Ricky go?

- You never know with him.

- Hmm.
- What about Liz?

- That's easy.

She's a creature of habit.

- I feel like you two
needed this weekend

to go a certain way.

- We're networking.

Trying to salvage her career.

- Ah, let me guess.

She's too old
to play the girlfriend

and too skinny to play the mom.

- Exactly.

- And, ironically,
as her body gets worse,

her acting improves.

You should tell her
to write her own scripts,

give herself the best parts.

She needs to take control.

- I'm sorry.

No. Hey. No. Look, listen.

That-- That's not happening.

- So, who won?

- Well, the bard was winning.

- But I unintentionally...
- Scratched on the eight ball.

- [chuckles] You're familiar
with my work.

[Liz chuckles]

Here you go. You forgot this.

- SAM: Babe, it's getting late.
What do you wanna do?

- I think Dwayne
is about to be very drunk.

- He's not wrong.

- What do you wanna do
about Ricky and Carrie?

- They're probably
sitting in another house

with another nice couple...

- Safe and sound.

-...wondering where you're at.

- So, how long
you two been actors?

- Over 30 years.

- Dwayne started acting
after he blew out his knee.

- RICHARD: It was his shoulder.

- Same difference.

- He played Judas in
"The Passion Play."

- You didn't tell me
you played Judas Iscariot.

- He was very good.

- DWAYNE: Wasn't easy.

- How could it be?

He saw the miracles
and betrayed him anyway

for just 40 pieces of silver.

- That was 30.

- Well, most men
would need at least 40

just to consider it.

- Only 30.

- Would you have
done it for less?

- What do you mean?

- Dwayne knows what I mean.

He's done the work.

Would you have
done it for less?

- It wasn't about the money.

- That's right.

It's never about the money.

And Jesus
had to die that night

and someone had to betray him.

- And God chose me.

- That's right.
God made Judas do it.

- Exactly.
- God betrayed Judas.

- He chose me.

- He betrayed you.

- [laughs] That's right.

- [chuckles] Look at that, Liz.

He's got the goods.
- Mm-hmm.

- [laughs]
I don't have anything.

- Bullshit, man.
You're a listener.

And acting is listening.

- And reacting.

- Yes, of course
acting is reacting.

But you can't react
if you're not listening,

and Dwayne's a listener.

[Dwayne chuckles]

But more importantly...

...he's not drunk.

- Come on, babe. Let's--
- I wasn't sure

until I smelled the Ficus

he was watering with that
very expensive scotch.

It's an old salesman's trick.

See, the scotch is a prop,
mostly for me.

It loosens him up,
and it tells me I can...

...let down my guard.

- SAM: Okay, we're leaving.

- No.

Fuck this guy.
I ain't going anywhere.

- Then give me the keys.

Give me the fucking keys!

- You can't go yet.

[scoffs] You haven't revealed
your little secret.

- Secret.
What are you talking about?

- It's kind of obvious
if you're paying attention.

- What is, asshole?

- I was, um--

I was gonna tell you tonight.

- Sam has breast cancer.

- Oh, my God.
[discordant tone on piano plays]

- I probably
shouldn't have said that.

- What is she talking about?

- [whispering] I'm sorry.

[door closes]

- Why do you think she was
wearing that ridiculous scarf?

[suspenseful music playing]

- Yo, I thought
you were leaving.

- Not without you.

- What a gentleman.

- Did you have fun?

- Playing hard to get. You?

- Richard's not my time.
- Shut up. We're leaving.

Show me the confirmation.

- I'd rather not.

- Richard,
maybe we should leave.

- Richard, maybe you should
listen to your wife.

- She's just saying that
to seem polite.

She knows
we're not going anywhere.

- Guilty.

- Then show us the key.

- Try to see it
from our perspec--
- Where's the fucking key?

- [laughs]

Ah, the weed
must have worn off, huh, Cheech?

- Nah, man.
It's just kicking in.

Now, show me the goddamn key.

- Why should I?

- If you show it to us,
we'll leave.

- What if I don't
want you to leave?

I mean,
we haven't finished our game.

- Fuck you. We're out of here.

- I'll show you the key.
- You will?

- I don't have it.
Do you, Lizzie?

- Oh.

- Fuck this shit.
- RICHARD: Wait a minute.

I think I saw it earlier.

It's in the bedroom.

- It is?

[light knocking]

Sam?

- I'll be out in a minute.

- Please don't be upset with me.

- Please go away.

- It just slipped out.

- Leave me alone.

- RICHARD: You didn't know, huh?

- Sam does not have cancer.

- I'd be in denial, too.

I bet she's got great tits.

[knife clicks]

- Come on, man.
We don't have to do this.

[Richard laughing]

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

What do you want from us?

- I'd like to
fuck your girlfriend

while my wife eats my ass.

How about you?

[groaning]

[wheezing]

- You weren't supposed
to come in here.

I fixed the shower curtain
with some packing tape

I found in
a drawer in the kitchen.

- Oh, my God.

- I think I did
a pretty good job,

but there is still quite a mess.

I tried to stop the bleeding,
but I ran out of tape,

and the cuts
were just way too deep.

Which is really for the best

because I don't
need the competition.

- Dwayne!
- I don't think Dwayne
can hear you, dear.

[tense music]

- I found it!

- Well, that could be any key.

- So, what do you want me to do?

- Go outside... and prove it.

- O ye of little faith.

[chuckles]

See you in act three.

- They should have
warned you about Richard.

He seems like a nice man,

but he doesn't like
being embarrassed.

[door rattling]

It breaks his concentration.

He loses touch with who he is
and who he's pretending to be.

[laughing]

[rattling continues]

- [groans]
- Fuck.

Are you okay? Hey, hey.

Are you okay? Hey.

- It worked.
- LIZ: Richard.

- I won.
- Look what you did.

- You broke
her fucking nose, man!

- She'll be all right.

- Sweetie,
I don't mean to laugh.

There's a bathroom
right in there.

I'll get you some ice.

[playing off-key]

[sinister laughing]

[keys ring]

[Sam screams]

I hope you don't mind.
I borrowed your scarf.

[exhales]

[laughs, sighs]

[gasping]

[door slams]

[water running]

[breathing heavily]

- [knocking]
- Come in.

- I've got some ice.

[door creaking]

Richard wanted me to
tell you he was sorry.

- Can you get me my purse?

- Makeup isn't gonna help.

This is as good as your face
is gonna look tonight.

[sighs]

- Can you just get me my purse?

- Of course.

["Wonder Valley"
by Travis & Big Ralph]

♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

- For the nerves.

I don't know why
she was standing there.

I mean, I feel bad,
but it's not my fault.

What did she think
was gonna happen?

I guess she wasn't thinking.

- Man, can you please
just shut the fuck up?

- ♪ And I chased her ♪
- [thud]

- ♪ To the valley ♪
- ♪ Doo-doot doo-doot doo

♪ Of our love
And happiness ♪

♪ Now I'm stuck here ♪

♪ In a prison ♪

♪ For I killed-- ♪

["Flight by Midnight"]
by Will Van De Crommert]

- "This is as good
as your face is gonna look."

Fuck you.

[music stops]

- Here you go, Sam.
Here's your purse.

Uh, Carrie.

[chuckles] Your name is Carrie.

Do yourself a favor, doll.
Don't ever get old.

[door closes]

- My new best friend,
soul sister Liz.

- Say hi, Liz.
- Hi, Liz.

- RICHARD: Stop that shit.
Turn that shit off.

- LIZ: Richard, relax.
It is just a phone.

[door creaking]

By the way, I love your scarf.

- They were here.
- [door creaks]

- I'm not supposed to say.

- What happened?

- Richard told me
to keep my mouth shut.

- Why are you afraid of Richard?
What did he do?

Are you in danger?

[laughing]

- No, sweetie. Just you.

[fighting sounds]

[screaming]

[screams]

[sound mutes]

["Wonder Valley" resumes]
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah

♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah ♪

♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah

- Ricky, we're leaving.

- You're not going anywhere.

- Oh, my God!
- Don't come any closer. Liz!

You don't wanna miss this.

- Why are you doing this?
- We wanted a challenge.

We wanted to
stretch ourselves. Liz!

- What did you do
to our friends?

- Sam and Dwayne?

We had a lovely little time
acting out a little play

I call Gut the Guests. Liz!

- This isn't a play.

- I could never tell.

- ♪ Now I'm stuck here ♪
- No!

- ♪ In a prison ♪
- No!

♪ For I killed ♪

♪ The one I love the best ♪

- Any more theories?

- Well, who called 911?

- Right. What happened
to the survivor?

♪ In the valley ♪

♪ For the girl ♪

- ♪ I love the best ♪
- [grunts]

♪ And I chased her ♪

♪ To the valley ♪

♪ Of our love ♪

♪ And happiness ♪

- Listen, Elizabeth died
a thousand times.

Ophelia, Lady MacBeth,

Juliet.

I wish I could've seen
her final demise.

- I admit it was satisfying.

- Well, you're gonna enjoy
putting that blade into me.

- I'm not gonna kill you,
Richard.

- But you should.
- Why?

Because you're the bad guy?

- No, because you are.

♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪♪

[grunting in pain]

- Oh, come on.

Hello. I'm at the house
on Albee Road.

Hello. Can you hear me?

They're all dead.

They're all dead. I killed--

They're all dead!

[sobbing]

[handle rattling]

[yelling]

Fuck!

[sobbing]

Fuck!

[gasping]

[grunts in pain]

Ricky.

Oh, my God.

We should've left.
It's all my fault.

I have to go get help.

[light creaking]

[music starts]
♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, I wandered
In the valley ♪

♪ Of the girl
I loved the best♪♪

[door closes]

[dramatic music plays]

- Goddamn it.
Where is this fucking house?

- I thought you knew.

- No! Please!

- I thought they
were just dry humpers.

- You know what?
This is a 911 call, okay?

- So this could be
a matter of life or death.

- [drink can pops open]
- The fuck is that?

- Please!

No!

- What the fuck is that?
- Help!

- It's a cry for help
or a desperate coping mechanism.

Okay, here come
the party police.

- [siren blaring]
- Give this to me.

- Please!
- Jesus!

- Goddamn it.

- No!

[flesh squishes]

[siren fading]

[toilet flushes]

- So the gal's in the bathroom,

they were fighting
over this guy.

- Is that your
professional opinion?

- BOBBY: It's a joke.

- Isn't it more likely
the murderer escaped?

- Yep. You're probably right.
You're always right.

- You okay?

- [sighs] Why don't you
come by tomorrow

and sign the papers?

- Thank you.

- Also, you know, you could do
a lot worse than Charlie.

- Violence!

[gunshot]

[grunts]

- Liz.
- [groans]

- It'll be okay.

- Maybe not this time.

- Did you enjoy yourself?

- I really did.

- We'll do it again next year.

[Liz grunts]

- Maybe... the mountains.

- The cabin
overlooking the lake.

- That would be nice.

[Liz groans]

[sniffles]

["What We Do" by Zeke Duhon]

♪ When it can go to it ♪

♪ I never heard ♪

♪ The sound of it ♪

♪ Grave mistake ♪

♪ A gentle, patient lover ♪

♪ Both eyes ahead of us ♪

♪ We won't know ♪

♪ What's left of us ♪

♪ This is one bet ♪

♪ I would not trust on winning ♪

♪ What you do is up to you ♪

♪ If it were me ♪

♪ I would just leave ♪

♪ What you do
Is up to you ♪

♪ Doubtfully embrace and pray♪♪

[music fades]

[children shouting in distance]

[woman crying]

[baby crying]

[gunshot]

- [bird cawing]
- [wings flutter]

[woman vocalizing]

["Valley" by Teen Mortgage]

[music fades]