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I'll have a three inch oval Thomas if I may.
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A three inch.
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A nail, a nail.
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Oh, oh, yes, of course. A nail.
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Oh.
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Goodness knows what the ladies are going to put on this stage tonight.
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I offered Mrs. Unwin my ever-popular death of Nancy at the hands of Bill Sykes from Oliver Twist.
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I do it to great acclaim every year at the Hamdram.
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What did she say? No.
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Why is that?
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Apparently, it wasn't appropriate for the suffrage panto.
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I'll have the ball pain now.
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I'm sorry to hear that.
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The ball pain, the ball pain. It's a type of hammer.
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Oh, yeah.
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Well, it must be in the kitchen. I shall fish it for you.
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At what exactly were I looking for?
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I'll come with you.
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What do they teach you at that paying school?
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I'm here. I'm here.
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Who? Nobody's here.
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I'm here, Helen.
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Oh, yes. I meant somebody. You know. Somebody.
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Oh, I see. Yes, I see.
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Oh, should I leave until then?
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No need, Gwen.
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What are you doing? I'm knitting Joan of Arc for the suffrage panto.
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Yes. I'm profoundly regretting allowing Margaret to stage this suffrage panto she's supposed to be writing.
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My irritation is compounded by the overexcitement of Emily at playing the role of Joan of Arc.
30
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Oh, God, who is English dogs?
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Oh, okay.
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Is this a real sort?
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Yes, I've borrowed it from Mrs. Truneman next door. She keeps it by the bed.
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In case of burglars.
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No, in case her husband ever comes back.
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In God, who's English spaniel?
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Emily, please wave that somewhere else.
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I agreed to sell the tickets on the basis that half the moneys would go to the butte fund for confused dogs.
39
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But every time I ask Margaret to see a script, she scurries away mumbling herself.
40
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She has been in a bit of a downward dollop lately.
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Really?
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Yeah, she's very disconfuffled. What with Cedric away at boarding school and Mr. Osbourn is studying day and night.
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Well, that's none of our business.
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You mean she's not seeing him at all?
45
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He's been in there for a month, apparently.
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The closer she gets, she's overseeing the maid, handle his night soil.
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Frankie, I'd rather handle that than handle the husband.
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In God, who's English howls?
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Emily, calm down. You'll sprain something.
50
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Oh, please don't. We're Harrassals.
51
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Gwen, have you finished the costumes yet?
52
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Well, no, wouldn't it?
53
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Mrs. Volhackling, yours is done.
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Oh!
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It's Mother's Old Bed spread.
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Oh, yes.
57
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Yes, it's just that Joan has taken up most of my time.
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I've created an optional pyre, which can be attached to the costume,
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should Margaret want to deburn at the stake as part of the action.
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She did mention she might write that in.
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Ta-da!
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What on earth are you supposed to be, Mother, apart from an internal embarrassment?
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I am the ancient Greek poetess, Sappho, of the Isle of Lesbos.
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Tonight, I watched the moon, and then Pleiades go down.
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The night is now half gone.
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Youth goes.
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I am in bed.
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Oh!
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Oh!
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Mrs. Bonhackling, and am I still Judith and Holoferns, whoever they are?
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Judith was an Old Testament heroine who beheaded general Holoferns
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because she was brilliant, and he was a beast.
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This is him?
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No.
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No, I'm not touching that.
76
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Oh, Eva, it's only a swede with a dab of pigs.
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Oh!
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Oh!
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Hello, Thomas.
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I have Joan of Arc's sword.
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Goodness, Emily, you are quite convincing as the warrior saint.
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You think?
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Indeed.
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Would you like a go?
85
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What's wrong with Joan?
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What's wrong with Joan?
87
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What's wrong with Joan?
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Certainly she did not suffer from hereditary ganglions.
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Oh, Margaret, you hear?
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Thank goodness.
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Yes, yes.
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I come with great, great news.
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You have a script?
94
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Well, what I have is, uh, news, wonderful news.
95
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Yes.
96
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I learned today that a halt has been called on all suffrage action.
97
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Why?
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A new conciliation bill.
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Parliament has all but promised one million land-owning women the vote.
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Oh!
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We've got the vote!
102
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Well, no, no, not strictly speaking.
103
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But we most surely will.
104
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It's a formality at this point.
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The home secretary has given his word.
106
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And a politician's word is his bond.
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Exactly, Frank.
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It's so incredible to imagine that soon millions of women will be...
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One million?
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One millions of women will be pouring into perling station, shoulder to shoulder.
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And not just with other women.
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But with men?
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How revolting.
114
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So does this mean that my justina, Ernestina, Constance Clemens, Charity Chesty, Liberty,
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virginity, abstinence, moderation, patience, providence, prudence and suffrage will all be able to vote?
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Yes!
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What about John?
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What about John?
119
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Will he be able to vote?
120
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Well, he can already vote, Eva.
121
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He's three.
122
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And it is, for this reason and this reason alone, that we won't be doing the suffrage panto.
123
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In solidarity with our fellow suffragettes in London.
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But it's tonight.
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I've sold all the tickets.
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I am Sappho.
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And I've got a sword and Grens made a pyre.
128
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I don't mind really either way.
129
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I could still do my death of Nancy at the hands of Bill Sykes from Oliver Twist.
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Oh, yes!
131
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Yes, no thank you Frank.
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Unnecessary and somewhat inappropriate.
133
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Margaret, I couldn't care less about disappointing a braying mob of panto files.
134
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But I refuse to let down the confused dogs of Bambry.
135
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Helen, my audience arrived. We'll just explain to them.
136
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I'm highly suspicious of your enthusiasm for this conciliation bill.
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Which has been rejected.
138
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How do you know?
139
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It was in the very small print of the newspaper, which I make a point of reading with my magnifying lawn yet.
140
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I put it to you, Margaret Unwin, that you are using this conciliation bill to cover up for the fact that you have not yet written the suffrage panto.
141
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Margaret has written the panto, haven't you Margaret?
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If you haven't, that's fine. But you have. You have.
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Haven't you? Have you?
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Haven't you?
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Of course she has, hasn't she?
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She has.
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Oh, yes.
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Have you? Tell us you have.
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Yes, I'm right. All right, Helen. I haven't been yet.
150
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Oh, I rest my kids. I will never mind Margaret.
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Oh, it's chambolic. I'm so ashamed.
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Oh, the truth is, I did write a script and then I burnt it.
153
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Goodness, Margaret. What have I thought? Did you not have any kind? Like, well...
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I left a copy outside Oz, but study and I hope that he might glance through it.
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And when I returned in the morning, I found this propped up against his night soil.
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A first two pages address grammatical syntax errors, and then he goes on to say,
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the writer's derivative, Shoddy Lat in verse, and this guy's,
158
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is none of the crippling mediocrity at the heart of this top of your gaiety.
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Disjointed ill-conceived riddle. Respectfully, your husband has butty.
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P.S., have we changed butchers, as my sausages seem fatter than usual?
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And he was right. My pantomime was awful.
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Oh, I'm sure it was and it was. Oh, it was. Oh, no, it was and...
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Oh, yes, it was. Oh, no, it was and... Yes, it was.
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I'm sure Mr. Oz, but didn't mean to be mean, Margaret.
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Have you changed butchers? Margaret.
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He wasn't being mean when. He's just an undiscovered genius.
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He's quite sure of that.
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Margaret. I can still be sappo. No, you can not.
169
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Margaret, I've got a script. Have you?
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Well, yes, I mean, it's just a bit of fun that I wrote for the children.
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Yes, yes, not quite what we need.
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But is that other than the charred remains of your tappany happening?
173
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What's it about, either?
174
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Well, I don't think we need to ask. It won't be right.
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How do you know? I'm sure I'll play about tiggy pumpkins and wibbly kittens,
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or not be appropriate.
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Or is it about jiggly kittens and piggy pumpkin seed?
178
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No. It's about a princess.
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Oh, do tell us more, either.
180
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Well, it's about a princess.
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Who nobody knows is a princess?
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I think we'll need a little more than that, either.
183
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Nobody knows she's a princess because she's an orphan that's been forced to work
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as a scullery maid in a big house.
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Oh, you guys, wonderful.
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Really?
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Are you right there near this town?
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Yes, I've got a script with me as a matter of fact.
189
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Oh, well, I'm sorry, you guys.
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Congratulations, Eva. A script. How clever of you, don't you think, Margaret?
191
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I hope there aren't too many words to learn. Words make my teeth hurt.
192
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No, no. The princess has got me to the line.
193
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I know them off by heart already.
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You can always read off the page like we do at the Amdram Hamdram.
195
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Just bring it to life with hand-acting, or hacking, as we call it.
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For example, if you're performing a line such as, I think I will,
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there's a gesture that goes with it, like this.
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I think I will.
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I think I will.
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I think I will.
201
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Oh, that's very good, Thomas. You're a natural.
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I think I will.
203
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Goodness, yes, that goodness.
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I was fortunate enough to see the late, great actor,
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Leonard Heeze-Kleber finger his way through the merry-wise of Windsor.
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Mertel, you could pay the wicked aunt.
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Is she an alluring fun for town?
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No, she's the wicked aunt.
209
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No, thank you.
210
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I believe, suffragettes in this play, either.
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This is a suffrage panto, after all.
212
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Well, there are the ugly cousins.
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The ugly cousins? What exactly is it about?
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The orphan princess goes to live with her wicked aunt and ugly cousins,
215
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and I thought they could be the princess.
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Oh, then I shall be one of those.
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Or could I be the other one?
218
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Yes, lovely. Isn't that what happens?
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So the poor orphan princess, who I'll play.
220
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Obviously.
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So the beautiful poor orphan princess, me,
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is made to do all of the work in the house.
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Oh, Eva, this is so clever and brilliant.
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Yes, Eva. Carry on.
225
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Is there a ball in a castle by any chance?
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Yes, yes, there is Margaret.
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And a prince looking for a bride? Yes! Margaret, how did you know?
228
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Right, because you've done the handram.
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Could you play the prince?
230
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Oh, no, not for me.
231
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Why not ask Thomas? He's definitely got the finger.
232
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I think I win.
233
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Yes! I suppose we could give him a moustache,
234
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make him look more like a man.
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Come on, would you see? We cannot perform this.
236
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It is a direct plagiarisation of Cinderella.
237
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A plagiarisation? It's been stealing somebody else's idea.
238
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I think somebody's jealous because somebody's written a script
239
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and somebody else hasn't.
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Who?
241
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Not jealous.
242
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If you don't want to take part, then don't. I won't.
243
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There's such a shame, Margaret, because it's a shame.
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I think somebody's jealous.
245
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If you don't want to take part, then don't. I won't.
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There's such a shame, Margaret, because I was thinking you'd make a wonderful, magical witch.
247
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I don't want to play the fairy godmother.
248
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It's a magical witch.
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A fairy godmother.
250
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,000
In this juvenile piece of theatre.
251
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,000
What does juvenile mean? Childish.
252
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,000
And I'll have my costumes back.
253
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,000
Margaret!
254
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,000
Because I'm far from my own breakaway production.
255
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,000
Will it be a mime show?
256
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,000
It will be a speculative, incendiary, experimental, improvised,
257
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,000
probably in French.
258
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,000
Improvised?
259
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,000
Are you a Bolshevik, Margaret?
260
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,000
They'd be absurd, Helen.
261
00:12:56,000 --> 00:13:02,000
If you wish to endorse a pageant, celebrating the corruption of a noble working woman
262
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,000
by imperialist greed, then do so.
263
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,000
We do wish to, and we shall so.
264
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,000
Happy to you, Margaret.
265
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,000
You're laboring under the delusion that things matter and that the world can be changed.
266
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,000
Whereas you think they don't and they can't.
267
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:21,000
I play by the rules and I win by them, which is why I'm extremely rich and happy and you are not.
268
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:27,000
I don't care about wealth and happiness.
269
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,000
I care about truth.
270
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000
The truth is Eva's written and you haven't.
271
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:40,000
Ladies, we only have this afternoon to stage this, um, what it called again, Eva?
272
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,000
The dirty princess.
273
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,000
Oh, wonderful.
274
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,000
Wonderful. It's perfect. Don't you think, Margaret?
275
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,000
I will be in the kitchen.
276
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:53,000
If anyone wishes to take part in my extended production at Joan of Arks,
277
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,000
you'll tie it, suffrage the panto.
278
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,000
No, thank you, Margaret. I'll be too busy with my scripted play.
279
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,000
Why do you propose performing your coup d'état?
280
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,000
Tonight? I think you'll find the stages occupied.
281
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,000
Well, we could do a double bill if you like.
282
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,000
Oh, could we? Thank you, Eva.
283
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,000
Can I be Joan?
284
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,000
Oh, God, who's there?
285
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,000
I think there was pop between this.
286
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,000
Sit down, Gwen.
287
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,000
Would I upset things terribly if I joined Margaret?
288
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,000
Yes, you would. Margaret, count me in.
289
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:28,000
So, um, are you familiar with improvisation metal?
290
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:35,000
Sometimes one feels one's whole life has been one long improvisation.
291
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,000
Sometimes sorrowful.
292
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:42,000
Sometimes joyful. Always.
293
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,000
Passionate.
294
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,000
Yes, it's good. Good.
295
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,000
Um, would have you done any actual improvisation?
296
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,000
No.
297
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:54,000
A princess would do this.
298
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,000
It is Frank.
299
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,000
Elbow's a bit higher. Perfect.
300
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:05,000
What about me, Frank, for the wicked old aunt?
301
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:11,000
When I played the king in the Hamdram Hamlet, I did it like this.
302
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:17,000
To show the audience, I was the baddie, do you see?
303
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:23,000
Is it like this, Frank?
304
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000
Maybe just what you were doing before.
305
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,000
I wasn't doing anything before.
306
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,000
Yes, do that.
307
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:34,000
Don't tell mommy that I planned to do my ugly, soft-jacked cousin as Joan of Arc.
308
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,000
Clean's a great you English dog.
309
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,000
Magnificent.
310
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,000
Would you like to practice your lines?
311
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,000
Yes, yes, please. Perhaps the scene where...
312
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,000
The prince falls in love with the daddy princess at the ball?
313
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000
Yes, yes.
314
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,000
I could read him as the princess.
315
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:56,000
Yes, please. Um, so, um, they stand very close together,
316
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:01,000
looking deep into each other's eyes.
317
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,000
I never want this ball to end.
318
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:08,000
Me, me, only. My chauffeur is waiting in the model T Ford, so I must go.
319
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,000
Must you really?
320
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,000
I must.
321
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,000
They continue to look deep into each other's eyes until suddenly overcome with passion.
322
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,000
He leans forward, and...
323
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:25,000
I brought a few costume elements to give a token flavor to your characters.
324
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:30,000
A monocle for you, Thomas. A duster for Eva.
325
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:35,000
And spectacles and a raggedy shawl for Emily's ugly cousin.
326
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,000
What about me, Helen, as the other ugly cousin?
327
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,000
Oh, you don't need anything, Gwen.
328
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,000
I'm playing the wicked old aunt as well.
329
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,000
You still don't need anything.
330
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,000
Sorry, Gwen.
331
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,000
Well, I suggest we reconvene at 8 p.m. ready for the show.
332
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,000
But, Helen, what about rehearsals?
333
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,000
Just stand at the front and speak up.
334
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:58,000
If I may interject Mrs. Butte, in the hand-dram we have a director
335
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,000
who directs the hacking of the actors.
336
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,000
We don't have time for all that.
337
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:08,000
Then, with all due respect, you will not have a show.
338
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:12,000
Oh, very well. If I must do everything.
339
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,000
We were about to look at Thomas and Eva's scene with the glove.
340
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,000
Good. Carry on.
341
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,000
So, um...
342
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,000
Dear sweet prince...
343
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,000
What are you doing there, Gwen?
344
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,000
Sorry. Sorry.
345
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,000
Sorry.
346
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,000
Sorry.
347
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,000
It's extraordinary. Continue.
348
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,000
May I have the pleasure of trying this glove onto your beautiful,
349
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,000
delicate hand?
350
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,000
Yes, you may.
351
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,000
It fits!
352
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,000
Thank you, Frank.
353
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,000
Go on.
354
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,000
Will you marry me?
355
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,000
Yes.
356
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,000
Down on your knees, Thomas.
357
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,000
Sorry.
358
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000
Get down on your knees and look at Eva.
359
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,000
Will you marry me?
360
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Yes.
361
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,000
Right. It's Gwen now.
362
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,000
Is it? Which part?
363
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,000
It doesn't matter. Just do it.
364
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,000
Quicker, quicker, quicker. You cannot be the slow on the light, Gwen.
365
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,000
Which isn't exactly 36 minutes time.
366
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,000
Begin! Begin! Begin!
367
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,000
I forgot to script!
368
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,000
Yeah, use mine.
369
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,000
Oh, thank you.
370
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,000
Um, right. And... Oh, and the live happily...
371
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,000
Ever after.
372
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,000
No, no, no, no. That's the magical witch's line.
373
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,000
Oh, will one of the magical witch please say her line?
374
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,000
All the magical witch, Mommy.
375
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,000
Yes. Right.
376
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,000
Yes. Well, I'll do that on the night.
377
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,000
No need now. Next time, Gwen, please try to get it right.
378
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,000
Ellen, are you sure you don't want to rehearse your bits?
379
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:51,000
Eva, reading a few lines in front of the lower orders hardly requires rehearsal.
380
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,000
Not quite working, not working.
381
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:59,000
Um, I am Joan of Arc, channeling God in medieval French.
382
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:04,000
You are Sappho, fresh from writing an epic Greek poem in Greek.
383
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:09,000
A rudimentary Greek is fine. Can I try it with a Yorkshire accent?
384
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,000
Yes. Yes. Why not?
385
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:18,000
Oh, Jean-Paul. Tonight, I watched the moon and then planned for the night.
386
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:23,000
I watched the moon and then Pleiades go down.
387
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,000
Er, Jean-Paul, on a commune, Jean-Paul.
388
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:31,000
I watched the moon and then Pleiades go down.
389
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,000
De moi.
390
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:38,000
Tonight, I watched the moon and then Pleiades go down.
391
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,000
But you can't keep saying the same thing over and over again.
392
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000
It's not improvising. But it suffers perfectly.
393
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000
It's not improvising.
394
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,000
I don't want to play this game anymore.
395
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:50,000
Yes, that's better. That's better. Fresh and more believable. Yes, keep going. Keep him passing.
396
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,000
I'm not improvising. I'm going to be in the dirty princess.
397
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Au revoir!
398
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
Abion...
399
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,000
Toe.
400
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,000
And on, Thomas.
401
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,000
I have decided to return.
402
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,000
Oh, Myrtle, thank goodness. Gwen is not coping at all with two parts.
403
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,000
Sorry, Gwen. Could you play the wicked aunt?
404
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,000
Is she simply wicked or deliciously wicked?
405
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:21,000
Was she always wicked or did she become wicked from being spurned by many young lovers?
406
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,000
Mother, stand there. Read this.
407
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
People are arriving already. Shall we let them in?
408
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:32,000
All right. Here's everybody calm. We will reconvene backstage.
409
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,000
Or backstage, as we say.
410
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,000
What if I forget my lines? You've only got the one.
411
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,000
Oh, you'll help me. What if I'm in there? Please, Gwen, she'll try to warm up.
412
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,000
Thomas, why don't you cover front of house?
413
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,000
Cover the front. What with?
414
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,000
Just go and tear the tickets.
415
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,000
I must give Mrs. Unwin her five minute call. Five minutes, Mrs. Unwin.
416
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,000
I am ready now, Frank.
417
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,000
Hey, God.
418
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:12,000
What's the matter? Never seen a saint before?
419
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,000
The full house, ladies.
420
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:19,000
Oh, full house for my first play. Oh, God.
421
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,000
So...
422
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:27,000
As the go-ahead from Thomas, house lights down.
423
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,000
Oh, God.
424
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,000
Oh, God.
425
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,000
On you go, Mrs. Butte. Break her leg.
426
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,000
What?
427
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,000
The magical witch. She opens the play with a little rhyme and a soft shoe shuffle.
428
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,000
Soft shoe shuffle.
429
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,000
Oh.
430
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,000
Yes, of course. Yes, I know. I know.
431
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,000
APPLAUSE
432
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,000
I can't hear her.
433
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,000
It must be a very soft shoe.
434
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,000
Oh, Mommy.
435
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,000
Just need a moment.
436
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,000
Mommy, are you all right?
437
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,000
Helen, can you go on?
438
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:25,000
Yes, absolutely. I just stay here in this chair behind the curtain.
439
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,000
This is stage fright.
440
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:31,000
I had it once during Lady Windermere's fan.
441
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,000
The only cure is to go on stage and not be frightened.
442
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,000
Do the ridiculous fan guy do not have stage fright and perfectly fine.
443
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,000
There's something wrong with the audience. They're the rum.
444
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,000
Sort. You show the tickets.
445
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,000
Gwen, you're going to have to go on in Helen's place.
446
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,000
Oh, no, don't let me go on, Eva.
447
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,000
It was like a tornado down there.
448
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:58,000
Well, that's it, then. There's no panto, no Christmas, no nothing.
449
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,000
Oh, Eva, no. Not no Christmas.
450
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,000
Margaret, where'd you help us?
451
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,000
Oh, yes, please, Margaret. Please be the magical witch thingy.
452
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,000
We can't do it without you.
453
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:12,000
Please, Margaret, step down from your high horse and help us.
454
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,000
Just sacrifice what you are to live without belief.
455
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,000
That is a fate more terrible than die.
456
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,000
The wig's gone to her head.
457
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,000
You were a selfish, Margaret, and we're so rich right now.
458
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,000
You're using the word please, rise in the entire line of privilege.
459
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,000
You're just making things up.
460
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,000
I'm capable of making things up.
461
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,000
Please, I'm afraid.
462
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,000
I'm afraid.
463
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000
I have suffrage news from London.
464
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,000
Mrs. Anwini must read this.
465
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:44,000
Oh, 300 suffragettes marched on Parliament yesterday
466
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,000
to protest the rejection of the conciliation bill.
467
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,000
Don't do it, have been rejected.
468
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,000
The battle between police and suffragettes went on for six hours,
469
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:57,000
and their suffering was pitiful and horrible in the extreme,
470
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:02,000
with several sustaining severe injuries at the hands of the police.
471
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:07,000
Why are we waiting?
472
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:11,000
Frank, do you think you could go on and do a few minutes of ham-dram?
473
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,000
Keep the theatre goers entranced.
474
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,000
The death of Nancy at the hands of Bill Sykes.
475
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,000
Yes, yes, if you will.
476
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,000
I think I will.
477
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:25,000
Ladies and gentlemen...
478
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,000
Everyone, Eva, I owe you an apology.
479
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,000
Yes, you do.
480
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,000
Yes, I've been selfish, jealous, mean-spirited.
481
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,000
If you'd been one of my 15, you'd have been on the naughty step until tea time.
482
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,000
I accept your apology.
483
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,000
Thank you.
484
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:47,000
May I suggest we have a minute silence for those brave people?
485
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:52,000
For those brave suffragettes who fought for us yesterday?
486
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,000
Bill, don't look at me like that, Bill.
487
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,000
Leave the boy alone, he's just a boy.
488
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,000
Carry her, Nancy.
489
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,000
Yes, don't!
490
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,000
Quiet, Bill Sykes!
491
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,000
Not, Bill's. I don't hurt the dog.
492
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,000
Your mangy care!
493
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,000
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad!
494
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,000
Oh!
495
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,000
That's what I think that's about a minute.
496
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:36,000
Eva, with your permission, I should like to make a few amendments to your script,
497
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,000
and then I shall join you all on stage.
498
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,000
Oh, what a reliefous Christmas back on!
499
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,000
Yes, Glen.
500
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,000
Oh, Mother will be pleased. It's the only time she ever smiles.
501
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,000
I resign.
502
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,000
You can't. Why not? You're fired.
503
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,000
I'm trying this glove onto your dainty hand.
504
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,000
You may.
505
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,000
It fits, it fits.
506
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:05,000
Indeed it does. Dear Sweet Princess, however, although I admire your beauty and your proletariat and work ethic,
507
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:11,000
it is not a princess I seek, but a passionate woman of political conscience, your cousin, the fearless suffragette.
508
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,000
And so...
509
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:19,000
Oh, goodness, the suffragette and the prince lived happily ever as her.
510
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:23,000
Happily together, bringing justice and fairness to this great nation of ours.
511
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000
For marriage, it's not a fairy tale.
512
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:39,000
It is the union of like-minds, carrying the double-handed torture and lightment into the dark corners of ignorance.
513
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,000
And now I shall burn at the stake.
514
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:52,000
I'm burning, I'm burning, and we have suffragette's stand shoulder to shoulder.
515
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:59,000
So we should stand face to face with our men, seeing beyond all the tiresome, charade, her gender,
516
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:04,000
and deep into one another's unique soul. If I'm still burning, still burning, still burning.
517
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000
Perhaps we may find more than we ever imagined.
518
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,000
I am now bold.
519
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,000
Ozzbert!
520
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,000
Really, really, really quite good.
521
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,000
Do I marry the prince or not?
522
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,000
No.
523
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,000
What are you doing?
524
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,000
Improvising. Stop it!
525
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,000
Thanks.
526
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,000
Thanks, thanks, come on.
527
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,000
And now, just all, thank you, thank you.
528
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:54,000
After a chance come, one come, all its Christmas tired of hell.
529
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:59,000
Sure you have the well with all to stand and weep or lift to call.
530
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,000
Up, up, up, do you mean?
531
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,000
Up, up, up, do we go?
532
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,000
Up, up, up, do we mean?
533
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,000
Choose your side of the rainbow.
534
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,000
Merry Christmas, everyone!
535
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,000
Thank you, everyone!
536
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,000
Oh, now that I'm with myself, I'm legit.
39725
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