Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ ♪

[ Laughs ]

Well, enjoy the cruise. Bye-bye.

-Have a good time. -Have a good time.

Gopher, run down to the stock room.

Get some bow ties.

Bert multon! Oh, gosh.

-Look who's here. -Oh, and bea.

[ Both laugh ]

Boy, it's wonderful to see you two.

You both look great. -Thank you.

Oh, and look at you.

-Purser Smith. -Yeah, huh?

It's a far cry from that little,

skinny stock-room kid we had.

And how.

Oh, oh, you guys, I want you to meet

captain stubing and his daughter, Vicki.

This is Bert and bea multon.

-Pleasure to meet you. -A pleasure.

Any friend of our skinny, little stock boy is

a friend of mine. [ Laughter ]

He's the guy that orders me around these days, Bert.

Oh, please, don't describe me that way, gopher.

And that's an order. [ Laughter ]

-Well, enjoy the cruise. -Thank you, captain.

And if gopher doesn't give you extra-special treatment,

-let me know. -Thank you.

-Thanks. Bye-bye. -See you later.

So, tell me -- do you still have the haberdashery store?

Yeah, still got the same little hole-in-the-wall.

Oh, boy, that place was big for me.

The money I made there helped pay my way

through college, you know?

Right, mm-hmm.

Well, come on, honey, let's not take up

any more of his time. We better get going.

What, are you crazy? Are you kidding me?

Friends like you?

You're gonna see a lot of me this cruise.

Don't be too friendly.

You see, this is not only our anniversary.

It's our second honeymoon.

So friends but not too friendly.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, listen, can I help you with that?

No, no, no, no, no, thank you.

Well, you see, she wouldn't even let me carry it.

It's my anniversary present, I think.

Looks like a handkerchief, huh?

[ Laughter ]

-You'll soon find out. -Well, the sooner the better

because when the second honeymoon starts,

we won't have time to look at presents.

-Mm-hmm. -Right.

-Come on, now, stop. -[ Laughs ]

Skeet Jamison, what are you doing here?

Is that any way to greet your old high-school buddy?

Yeah, my old high-school buddy who still owes me

four years of lunch money.

Isaac, you should be thanking me for preserving

that slender physique.

Besides, that was the old me.

The new me is a legitimate businessman.

That'll be the day.

No, really.

I'm here with the Harlem globetrotters

promoting their show in puerto vallarta.

Skeet, what's the angle?

The Harlem globetrotters? Ha!

[ Laughs sarcastically ] Harlem globetrotters.

Excuse me, we're looking for Mr. Jamison.

Uh, that's me, fellas.

Still don't believe me, Isaac?

Hey, skeet, come on, man.

Anybody can buy a Harlem globetrotter patch

and sew it on a jacket.

And just 'cause these guys are tall,

that don't mean anything.

If these guys are the Harlem globetrotters,

I'm "magic" Johnson.

Maybe this will convince you.

-All right. -There you go.

-What you got? -Hup!

Hup, hup, hup, whoop!

[ All talking at once ]

-Bring it on home. -All right, all right.

-All right, all right.

-All right. -Yeah.

Guys, meet an old buddy of mine --

magic Johnson.

[ Laughter ]

I'm really, uh, Isaac Washington.

Mr. Jamison, could we have a word with you -- alone?

Hey, Isaac is one of my oldest friends.

Anything you have to say to me,

you can say in front of him.

Where's that advance money you've been promising us?

Hey, you couldn't have asked me that in private?

No worry -- you guys are gonna get your money.

Skeet Jamison runs an honest business here.

And if you don't,

we've been working on a new play.

Yeah, and it's called slam-dunking the promoter.

Foul!

Paging Mr. Gary atkins.

Will Mr. Gary atkins please come to the purser's desk?

Hi. I'm Gary atkins.

Oh, Mr. Atkins, this young lady was looking for you.

For me?

I tried to convince her she was looking for me

but she wouldn't buy it.

Smart girl.

Gary, I'm your father's new secretary.

He asked me to tell you that he's been detained

on business and he won't be able to meet you

until puerto vallarta.

He always does this.

I thought for once we could have a whole vacation together.

It was something really important.

It's always something really important.

What am I gonna do on this ship all alone?

That's another reason I'm here.

Your father asked me to come on the cruise

and keep you occupied until he arrives.

By the way, I'm Karen.

Well, Karen, looks like I'm gonna have

to try and make the best of this.

[ Laughs ]

[ Air horn blows ]

♪ ♪

Thanks, guys, for helping me mind my cabin.

What do you mean your cabin? This is my cabin.

No, it isn't. This is my cabin.

Hi, guys.

Don't tell me the four of us are sharing one cabin.

Of course not.

All six of us are.

Hi. Enjoying the cruise so far?

Yeah, it's okay.

Good.

Gary, I hope you're not too disappointed

with your dad.

Some clients came in from Japan unannounced.

Sure, I know.

It's a huge account.

He just couldn't walk out on them.

He never can.

Gary, your father really loves you,

and he wants us to get along.

So let's not disappoint him.

I'm for that.

Meanwhile,

I hope I can keep you amused

until your father gets here.

[ Sighs ]

I'm not amused, but I'm very interested.

It's a new suit.

They make suits better all the time now.

How about a swim?

It seems a pity to get that suit wet.

You a good swimmer?

Fair.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I'm very good.

I'll stay close.

I thought your father said you were only 17.

I am.

But I take lots of vitamins.

[ Laughs ]

♪ ♪

Well, uh, seeing that you're in such a hurry

to give me my, uh, anniversary present,

here's yours.

Oh, Bert. [ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ] Pearls.

Oh, Bert, these are good ones.

Well, they're not the crown jewels,

but they're good quality.

Oh, Bert, they're beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, now, where's my present?

Uh, t-t-this really isn't your present.

-Oh? -No, no, I'll give --

I'll give that to you later, okay?

Aunt Emma.

Why?

Why, why, why, why, why, why aunt Emma?

Why would you bring aunt Emma on a cruise? Why?

Bert, she's always wanted to go on an ocean cruise,

but she died before she could,

so now she can finally make the trip.

Why would you want to take --

i mean, I see that picture every day in our home --

every day.

Why would you want to take it on a vacation?

Look at it this way -- it's her vacation, too.

But I never got along with that woman.

She never got along with me. I mean, we just didn't hit if off.

I mean, why bring her along?

I don't understand it. It's ridiculous.

Bert, try to understand.

The woman devoted her life to raising me.

I mean, she gave up everything

including the man she wanted to marry.

At least she made one guy happy.

Aunt Emma tried to make everybody happy.

Don't you remember what she said in her will?

"You have been my treasure.

Let this painting be yours."

A couple of bucks in the will would have been a better treasure.

Aunt Emma stays.

"Stays," right.

Now, where can I put this thing?

Why don't you donate it to the ship?

Maybe they're running low on fuel.

There's a good spot right over there.

-Over the bed? -Yeah, right over the bed.

-Perfect. Perfect-olo. -I'll take this one down, see?

Bert: Perfecto, yeah, take it right down. Take the other one down.

Take that one down and put that over the bed, right.

-Right, how about that? -Over the bed.

-Yeah? -But a little more over here.

-Over here? -Way over here.

-Way over here. -No, no, way over here.

Why?

'Cause I'm gonna sleep way over there.

[ Gunshots ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ Applause ]

[ Sighs ] Isaac, my friend,

put that on my tab.

Isaac: Wait, a minute -- you don't have any money,

so how can you have a tab?

Well, I'll have plenty of cash

after the game in puerto vallarta.

Mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh-mnh.

Speaking of cash,

you wouldn't happen to have $2,000

you'd like to turn into three

by the end of the cruise, would you?

Yeah, I'd get three back, all right -- $3.

Isaac, I'm in a little bit of a bind here.

I promised the globetrotters an advance,

and they won't play without that pay.

Skeet, you want some good advice from a friend?

Yeah.

Start swimming.

Isaac, they don't play, I'm out of business.

I'd like to loan you the money,

but I don't have it.

I mean, I could buy a ticket from you,

and I'm sure there's a lot of passengers around

that would like to buy tickets.

That's it!

If I sell the passengers enough tickets,

I'm out of trouble!

Hi, gang. How's it going?

-Fine. -Fine.

Okay, all right.

What's wrong with the two lovebirds here?

Hard to be a lovebird

when you got a vulture hanging over the bed.

-"A vulture"? -Mm.

"A vulture"? Did you hear what he called you, aunt Emma?

He called you "a vulture." You hear? He'll pay.

You'll pay.

Vulture, vulture.

Oh, Bert, wait a minute, what's going on here?

When you guys got on the ship,

you were so much in love and happy and everything.

Sure. [ Chuckles ]

You know when we boarded, remember that package she was carrying

the big, large package that was wrapped up?

I thought it was my anniversary present.

Turned out to be a picture of her aunt Emma,

and she hung it over the bed.

So, what?

"So, what"?

[ Scoffs ] Her aunt Emma --

i mean, she never thought I'd amount to anything.

I mean, she never gave me any compliments,

always put me down.

Maybe she's right.

I still have the same little, dinky store,

and I haven't gotten any bigger, any better.

Can't be too dinky -- you're on a cruise.

Oh, this? [ Scoffs ]

No, we won this in a church raffle.

You know, I always had such dreams for my store, you know?

It's a little, tiny thing,

but I always figured I'm fixing it up, you know?

Bringing it up to date, new stock, you know,

new fixtures, maybe expanding but I never had the cash flow.

I never had the cash.

Yeah, but, Bert, you already got what's important.

And this is bea's second honeymoon, too,

so why don't you just forget about aunt Emma

and concentrate on making bea happy?

And then, everything will work out great.

[ Chuckles ] It's not that simple.

You see --

yes it is. It is that simple.

I'm letting aunt Emma ruin this whole cruise --

for nothing.

You're right. You're right. Sometimes, I think --

thanks for straightening me out.

♪ ♪

Whoa. Hold on there.

Too much?

It was too much before the last glass.

Well, you said I was too young to drink

so you have to drink for two.

[ Chuckles ]

So, tell me about school.

Your father mentioned you might want to study law

after you finish college.

I don't want to talk about that now.

Why not?

I'm interested.

I'm interested, too.

That's why I don't want to talk about it.

Come on, have some more wine.

If you don't stop,

I'm gonna have to tell your father

you tried to get me tipsy.

Well, then, I'll have to get you so tipsy

you forget to tell him.

[ Laughs ]

25th anniversary -- we made it.

We're here. Look at this.

We're here.

We should be celebrating.

A little champagne, a little prime rib for two

with the bone, eh?

If you want.

Lobster -- broiled lobster with drawn-butter sauce,

cold bottle of white wine -- you like that, huh?

Whatever, Bert. I'm not particularly hungry.

Hey.

Bet you can't remember what we ate 25 years ago

on our honeymoon night.

What'd we eat?

Hot dogs and beer.

Right, hot dogs and beer.

[ Laughs ] I remember that night.

I spent half the night nibbling on a hot dog

but most of the time nibbling on your ear.

[ Both laugh ]

I had mustard all over my earlobes.

[ Laughs ]

It's the sexiest smell I can ever remember.

[ Chuckles ]

25 years -- every time I pass a delicatessen,

I get sexy...

-[ Laughs ] -...And I think of you.

[ Laughs ]

-Gee, Bert, 25 years -- -yeah.

It's really hard to believe.

Well, time passes quickly when you're --

when you're happy.

Are you happy, Bert?

I mean, are you really having a good time?

Sweetheart, I never look happiness in the mouth.

Think about it.

Captain, we want to thank you

for having us in this fine feast.

Well, there's no way I'd have

the world's greatest basketball team on my ship

and not invite you to dinner.

Well, even if he didn't invite you,

I'd hold my breath until he did.

[ Laughter ]

I really admire you guys.

To play as well as you do,

you must eat, drink, and sleep basketball.

No, way, doc.

When we're off the court, we forget about basketball.

Oh, curley, could you please pass me a roll?

It would be a pleasure.

Oh, wow, a roll. It's my time to have some fun.

My man. Nice pass. How about that, goph?

Yeah.

Much obliged.

[ Laughter ]

If that's how you guys pass the rolls,

I can't wait to see you toss the salad.

[ Laughter ]

Hello!

How's everybody doing on this glorious evening?

What's for dinner, guys? Boy, am I hungry.

It'll be promoter fricassee

if we don't get that advance money soon.

Uh, I just remembered I had a late lunch.

Oh, did I say "late lunch"?

I mean "light" lunch.

[ Laughter ]

Ladies and gentlemen, we will make a quick stop

in Ensenada to pick up some passengers and cargo.

We'll be on our way shortly.

♪ ♪

After this number, maybe we'd better sit down.

I'm getting a little tired.

You young people.

"Young people"?

You're not that much older than I am?

Well, I'm starting to feel like it.

Just one more dance.

I like having my arms around you.

[ Laughs ]

You know, bea, you're still a great dancer.

Well, I always say it's the man that's important.

Mm.

You hear what the band's playing?

-Yeah. -"I'm in the mood for love."

[ Chuckles ]

That's the song they played on our honeymoon night, hm?

-Oh. -[ Laughs ]

You know, I think the band was

the only one in the mood for love.

-Hey. -I'm only kidding.

I'm only kidding. -That was some night.

[ Chuckles ]

It was a night to remember.

It was a night to relive.

Listen, uh, if you're -- if you're serious,

let's, um -- mm.

Girly, you got a date.

Now, what do you say we just slip out of here,

slip back into the cabin,

slip into something comfortable,

slip aunt Emma's picture into the closet --

are you back to that again?

Oh, come on, bea.

It's -- it's our cruise. It's ours.

Yeah, but it's her cruise, too.

Aunt Emma stays.

Look, bea, I don't want to fight with you.

I really don't. It's a cruise.

Let's make it happy. I don't want to fight.

Now, look, once and for all, either she goes or I go.

All right, then you go.

-You don't -- -yeah, you go.

Okay. [ Scoffs ]

Then, I'll go.

But you're gonna be sorry.

Oh, boy! Are you gonna be sorry.

[ Groans ]

♪ ♪

[ Applause ]

[ Drum roll ]

[ Cymbal crashes ] -Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a special treat for us tonight --

five gentlemen who are with us

on their way to puerto vallarta for a big game tomorrow.

They have thrilled audiences in 100 countries,

and tonight they're going to thrill us.

May I present the incomparable Harlem globetrotters.

[ Applause ]

[ Brother bones' "sweet Georgia brown" plays ]

There's two tickets for you. Yeah, okay.

What do you want? Two tickets?

They're traveling everywhere.

Hey, did you see them when you were a kid?

Yeah, I know you did. You loved them, huh?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now folks, now folks, now that was just

a small, dazzling preview of what's in store for you

at the game in puerto vallarta.

Now, there's still a few good seats left,

but you better hurry. They won't last long.

Cash, everybody -- just cash.

Sorry, no plastic. Just cash.

Yeah, there you go.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪ ♪

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

We're now leaving Ensenada.

Our next port of call -- fabulous puerto vallarta.

I'm glad we got to spend so much time together.

Me, too.

You know, I haven't met very many girls in my life.

You're the best I've ever met so far.

You're pretty terrific yourself.

I have to get back to my cabin.

Your father and my boss is gonna be here

bright and early tomorrow.

Speaking of the boss -- can the boss' son kiss you?

No.

But I'll kiss the boss' son.

Well, that's it.

I gave the trotters their advance,

and it's all thanks to you

and your idea to sell the tickets on the ship.

-Oh, it was no big deal. -Oh, are you kidding?

I owe you my life.

Like I said, it's no big deal.

[ Telephone rings ]

Acapulco lounge.

Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Jamison's here.

Okay, uh, Eddie, could you put this call through?

Thank you.

It's a Mr. Perez from puerto vallarta.

Ooh, he owns the arena.

Probably gonna ask if we can play a double-header.

[ Clears throat ]

Mr. Jamison here.

What can I do for you, Mr. Perez?

The arena's flooded?

And you're calling me while standing

on the top of your desk?

Well, you can't call the game off!

You can't do this to me!

Well, I've got very tall players.

If the water's under seven feet, we can still play.

How about if we change it to water Polo?

Hello?

Hello?

He just gurgled "goodbye."

Hm.

What a bummer.

Well, I guess you just have to get the money back

from the globetrotters and refund it to the passengers.

I'll give them a rain check.

The next time we're in puerto vallarta,

those tickets will be perfectly good.

Skeet, just tell the globetrotters.

They'll understand.

Oh, that's the trouble with being on a ship.

You can't catch a fast train out of town.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Thanks for walking me back to my cabin, Gary.

Oh, I'd walk you anywhere.

You know, your father's gonna be

so pleased that we've gotten to know each other.

My dad -- I almost forgot about him.

Well, I haven't forgotten about him.

-[ Sighs ] -I'd better get inside.

It's been a long day.

It's been the best day of my life.

Good night.

Good night.

Karen: Josh!

I finished with my clients earlier than I expected to,

so I thought I'd surprise you and Gary.

You just missed him.

Well, I wanted to surprise you first.

Oh.

[ Men snoring ]

[ Basketball clunks ]

Listen, guys, I am leaving the ship.

But being the honest guy that I am,

I wouldn't think of leaving without telling you man-to-man.

You don't have any objections with my skipping ship, do you?

[ Snoring continues ]

Good. I knew you'd understand.

I promised Isaac I'd ask you to give back

the passengers' money I gave to you as an advance.

So, what do you say?

Will you give it back?

[ Snoring continues ]

That's what I thought you'd say.

Well, it's been nice talking to you.

Oh, captain, captain, gopher, have -- have you seen Bert?

-Well, no, not this morning. -Me neither. Why?

Well, we had an argument last night,

and when we went back to the cabin, we didn't talk.

And I got up early this morning, and I had an early breakfast.

And when I came back, I found this.

"Bea, I thought this was going to be our second honeymoon,

but all we've been doing is fighting.

I've had it.

I'm going to end it once and for all -- Bert."

Oh, it's all my fault.

I should have never brought aunt Emma's picture here.

Bea, don't blame yourself.

This is probably just a threat

to get you to come around to his way of thinking.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know Bert.

Once he makes up his mind to do something, he does it.

Oh, if I could only see his face one more time.

I got to find him. I got to find him.

I got to stop him!

-Gary. -Good morning.

Hey, Julie told me my dad got in late last night.

What do you say you get dressed, we'll go find him?

Gary.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, I was able to get away earlier than I expected, so --

no, what are you doing here in her cabin?

Oh, uh...

Well, I guess I should have told you before.

Told me what?

Well, Gary, um...

Karen and I are in love.

-You're in love? -[ Chuckling ] Yes.

Does that surprise you?

Sure does.

Last night, I thought she was crazy about me.

Gary.

What's that all about?

I guess Gary's developed a little crush on me.

It seems to be a lot more than a little crush.

I don't know.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, don't jump, Bert!

-Stay where you are! -Don't do anything foolish.

Bert, Bert, please. Please, look, I love you.

I love you. I adore you.

Please don't let aunt Emma's picture

come between us.

Please, Bert, don't put an end to it.

I already did.

What?

Aunt Emma is overboard, and that's it.

You didn't.

You didn't.

You did!

Bert, I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you when I get you alone.

Bea, remember what you said.

If only you could see Bert's face again.

Yeah, well, I'm seeing it,

and I don't like what I'm seeing.

Well, you better start liking what your seeing

because aunt Emma is overboard good riddance.

-Bert. -Excuse me, is this yours?

-Oh. -Aunt Emma!

Oh, thank you! Thank you so very, very much!

You're welcome. It fell on the deck below.

-Oh. -It fell on the deck below.

Yes!

[ Both laugh ]

The wind must have blown it in.

[ Laughter ]

I forgot -- when you're on a ship,

you got to go like that.

Otherwise aunt Emma comes back at you.

Aunt Emma is here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, my.

♪ ♪

Buenos días señores y señoritas.

We will be docking shortly in puerto vallarta,

Mexico's haven for pleasure-seekers.

During your stay,

enjoy the glorious sun-drenched beaches,

delightful cantinas,

or shopping in the many colorful boutiques.

Whatever your pleasure, the good life awaits you.

Hurry, hurry! I got to get off this tub.

Skeet.

Oh! Hi, Isaac.

Hey. Where are you going?

Oh, to the beach.

With your suitcase?

Ah, well, yeah, I thought I might start a shell collection.

Yeah, it sounds more like a shell-game collection.

Come here, man.

Listen, did you give that money back to passengers?

Uh, no, but I wanted to real bad.

Skeet, either you have got to give the passengers

back their money or give them what they paid for.

But the arena's flooded.

It's soggy city.

We don't even have a place to play.

I've been thinking about that.

What if we have the game right here on the ship?

-On the ship? -Yeah.

Who we gonna play?

I used to play basketball in school, remember?

Now, I was thinking I could get

a few of the crew members together.

They'd love to take on the Harlem globetrotters.

Isaac, the globetrotters are professionals,

not rinky-dinks.

Well, either you play us in a game,

or your give the money back to the passengers.

Okay, I'll think about it, and I'll get back to you.

I do my best thinking when I'm running.

All right, I'll go and speak to the globetrotters,

but you better come along with me.

Me?

What can I do?

You can identify the body.

So this is where you've been hiding out.

Your father's been looking all over for you.

I don't want to talk to either one of you.

Gary --

if you're so much in love with my father,

how come you didn't tell me last night?

You know what I think?

I think the reason you didn't tell me is

because you weren't thinking about my dad last night.

You were having too good a time with me.

Of course I was having a good time with you.

You're a very nice boy.

I'm not a boy. I'm a man --

a man that's in love with you.

Gary, please, try to understand.

I'm in love with your father.

Maybe you just think you're in love with him

because he's your boss.

You don't have to be afraid of losing your job.

I'm not.

Well, I'm not afraid, either.

I'm gonna fight him for you.

I'm gonna tell him that right now.

Gary.

Come on, you guys.

The passengers are expecting a game.

What's the difference where you play?

It's the thrill of playing

that makes this game a national pastime.

-That's baseball. -Whatever.

Look, we don't care where we play.

It's who we play.

We got to play against a team that knows basketball.

And we know basketball. Slam dunk!

Double dribble.

In your face.

[ Coughs ]

Come on, skeet, they'll never even score a basket.

I'll bet you they would.

I'll bet you they wouldn't.

-We would. -You wouldn't.

-We would. -You wouldn't.

We would!

-How much you want to bet? -Doesn't matter.

You don't have any money, anyway, remember?

You know, sweet Lou, you're really beginning to bug me.

But in a very nice way.

I'll tell you what -- I'll bet you $100

against me being your ball boy for one year

that the crew will score at least one basket.

All: Ball boy.

[ Laughter ]

This guy?

[ Laughter ]

What do you say, guys?

-Yeah, all right. -All right.

-Hey, all right! -Hey! Whoa!

Okay, it's all arranged.

A court will be set up in the dining room.

-The dining room? -Yeah.

It's only half-court, but it'll be the same

for both teams.

I think the dining room is a perfect place

'cause we're gonna eat you guys alive.

Yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised

if this guy's your most valuable player.

Well, thank you, sweet Lou, that's very kind of you.

'Cause your gonna need a doctor.

[ Laughter ]

Gary, you're a confused young man.

Karen was just trying to be nice to you last night.

That doesn't mean she's in love with you.

I'm not saying she's in love with me.

I'm saying she likes me a lot,

and she could be in love with me more easily

than she could be in love with someone as old as you are.

Well, this might come as a great shock to you,

but I don't think of myself as old,

although I am old enough to be your father.

You're old enough to be her father.

You know, it's too bad you didn't realize

you were old enough to be my father while I was growing up.

Ah, so that's it.

This is your way of trying to get back at me.

Gary, I --

this is no time to go into all the reasons

why I wasn't around more when you were growing up.

Believe me, I wish it could have been

a happier home life for all of us.

But I can't change the past.

And so, the future --

I'm thinking of marrying Karen.

What a coincidence. So am I.

Karen, I'm glad you're here.

Maybe you can settle this once and for all.

Tell Gary that you love me.

See, you're still his secretary.

He's giving you dictation.

Please, Karen, tell him.

Go ahead, tell me.

That's an order from your boss.

I thought you two had made up by now.

I'm sorry Josh.

There's an old saying -- "you don't marry a man.

You marry a family."

And right now, this doesn't seem like a family.

Attention passengers -- we hope you've enjoyed

your stay in puerto vallarta.

This evening, we will have a special treat for you.

Our pacific Princess pirates will take on

the world-famous Harlem globetrotters.

Come cheer everybody on.

Believe me, the globetrotters are going

to need all the help they can get.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the main event!

[ Cheers and applause ]

And let's bring out our teams.

First we've got the greatest basketball team

ever assembled, the one, the only, the original,

the Harlem globetrotters.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Brother bones' "sweet Georgia brown" plays ]

[ Whistle blows ]

And playing them tonight is the most fearless,

the most ferocious, the most formidable set

of opponents ever to have faced the Harlem globetrotters,

my favorite crew -- and I hope yours, too --

the pacific Princess pirates!

[ All chanting, "let's go pirates! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Attaboy, doc! Attaboy, doc!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Come on, Julie! Come on!

Save it for the game, Julie!

[ Laughter ] -That's okay, Julie.

Next time.

[ Whistle blows ]

What do you say, pirates? Go get them!

[ Cheering ]

Doc: Shoot, Isaac! Shoot!

Hey, guys. Would any of you like the ball?

Lou: Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Gopher: Not anymore.

[ Whistle blows ]

You still think there's no way we can't score

one crummy, little basket?

I didn't know they were gonna be that much taller than us.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Julie: Captain, shoot!

I don't suppose you want to help me with this, right?

You suppose right.

The only way I'd help you hang you is

if I was leading a posse.

If aunt Emma were alive, she'd turn over in her grave.

Aunt Emma wouldn't turn over for nobody.

I want her up.

Okay, string her up.

There.

That's right. That's it.

Aha.

She's up.

[ Imitates fanfare ] Up!

Well, aunt Emma, you ruined the cruise.

Now let's see what else she can do.

Bert! Bert! Bert!

Are you all right? Bert! Bert!

You know, if I was to take that personally,

I would -- oh, that was some hit.

Oh, that hurts.

Bert, Bert, speak to me.

Speak to me, Bert!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Gopher: Shoot! Shoot!

[ Audience groans ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Time out -- Princess pirates.

Look, guys, I don't want to get pushy or anything,

but there's only a minute left in the game.

And if you don't get a basket soon,

I'm gonna spend the next 12 months

playing Butler to a basketball team.

Well, I guess it's time for the secret weapon.

Yeah, yeah -- secret weapon?

We didn't want to have to do it but we're desperate.

Vicki, you're gonna be in the game for me.

-Okay. -That's your secret weapon?

Well, I'm little, but I'm sneaky.

-Let's go get them, huh? -Let's go!

All: Break!

[ Whistle blows, cheers and applause ]

-Vicki, shoot! -Shoot, Vicki, shoot!

[ Cheers and applause, whistle blows ]

That's it! Game's over!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪

You know, it's amazing --

aunt Emma's been dead for over three years,

and she's still out to get me.

[ Chuckles ] -I'm so sorry, Bert.

Really, I am. I'll get rid of the picture.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just a second.

This picture's making us crazy. It really is.

It's not worth it. It's ruining the whole cruise.

Yeah.

Look, I could live with aunt Emma's picture.

But I can't live without you.

I can't live without you, either, sweetheart.

But I can live without aunt Emma's picture.

-I'll put it away. -No, no.

-Let me hang it up. -Give me the --

what is that?

Money!

Money?

Money!

Bert, money!

That's a lot.

-Oh, look at all that money. -A whole bunch a lot.

A lot, a lot.

Don't -- here. -I know. I know.

I remember. Remember --

remember what aunt Emma said in her note?

She said, "you have been my treasure.

Let this painting be yours."

That's what she meant -- the treasure, the money.

-Money. -Oh, Bert!

Look at this.

Oh, you know, you're a lucky woman.

Me? No.

No, Bert. It's for us.

It's for us, Bert.

Now you can do anything you want to do.

You can fix up the haberdashery store.

You can put in new lights.

You can do anything you want to do.

It's for us!

Oh, sweetheart, I -- I never knew aunt Emma was

so stuffed full of love.

-Oh, yeah. -Look at the love.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, dad.

I'm sorry, too.

I really wasn't trying to get back at you.

I thought I was in love with Karen.

I know.

It's all part of growing up.

I guess.

Maybe if we can spend more time together,

I can help you with the other parts.

I'd like that.

I really messed things up for you, didn't I?

Not your fault.

Looks like you're gonna be needing a new secretary.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, uh, I have someone in mind, uh,

if you have time for an interview.

Now this is what I call a family.

Thank you for sailing with us.

-Bye-bye. -Bye.

Come see us again.

Oh, I've got to say goodbye to my rich friends.

-Mwah. Bye, gopher. Goodbye, doc.

Good seeing you again. And aunt Emma?

Wonderful aunt Emma.

Wonderfully wonderful good and generous aunt Emma,

I never knew aunt Emma until I knew her now.

[ Laughter ]

When we get back home, she's gonna hang

in a place of honor.

In the bank, not over the bed.

-Right, okay. -Thank you.

-Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

-Don't bend it. -I'm not bending it!

Bye-bye.

Oh, hello. I hope you enjoyed your cruise.

We certainly did.

I found a wife.

You did? Well, congratulations.

And I found a job.

Gary's gonna work for his father during the summer.

And I can't wait to see my secretary.

Well, I can promise you one thing --

she's gonna be very, very old.

You mean, like, 30?

[ Clears throat ] Bye.

-[ Chuckles ] Bye. -Bye.

"To Vicki, the most valuable player of the game."

There you go. -Thanks, guys.

This will always remind us of our big game.

Well, I know I'll never forget it.

What about me, Vicki?

Don't you want my autograph on that ball?

-Well, sure. -That would be appropriate

since everything else he signs bounces.

[ All groan ]

Thank you, Mr. Jamison.

We gave all the passengers their money back

for the tickets they bought.

Oh, that was real nice of you guys.

But you still owe us that advance money.

It's practically in your pocket.

You can trust me.

Well, we gonna do something better than that.

We're going to take you with us.

-Yeah. -All right, come on, man.

Hey, hey can't we talk about this?

Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute, guys!

Don't I get one last goodbye?

[ Shouting indistinctly ] -Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

♪♪