Original subtitles

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love boat theme"]

Theme song: Exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you and love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It flows back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another on the run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard the love.

[Music playing]

Captain: Enjoy the cruise.

Welcome aboard.

I'm captain.

Laura?

Merrill?

Merrill stubing?

The very same.

And you're Laura Thornton.

Laura Hayes for eight years now.

This is my husband, George.

Captain: It's a pleasure to meet you, George.

This is my daughter, Vicky.

Nice to meet you.

Well, you didn't tell me that you knew the ship's captain.

I didn't know I knew the ship's captain.

It was difficult to recognize you behind those sunglasses.

You look lovely, Laura.

You haven't changed a bit.

Except I wasn't walking into doors in those days.

I didn't have this.

Nasty bruise.

Oh no, it's nothing.

It happened almost two weeks ago.

We have a deep dark secret.

This beautiful bewitching creature is accident prone.

She's also full of surprises.

Picking a cruise commanded by your old flame?

Oh, hardly an old flame, George.

Not even a spark.

No, Laura and I are just old friends from the same hometown.

Part of a group that used to hang around together.

Sure.

That's what they all say.

I'm going to keep an eye on you, anyway.

George.

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you.

Bye bye.

Hi, I'm Allen price.

Can you tell me if a Mrs. Sheila price is boarding here?

Let's see here.

Why don't you tell me which cabin

you and Mrs. Price are in?

Well, it better not be the same cabin.

She's bringing her fiance along.

Sheila and I are divorced.

Oh, sorry.

Not as sorry as I've been.

Those alimony payments are killing me.

I had to borrow the money to take this cruise.

Now, the alimony part I understand.

But the rest--

well, if Sheila gets married again,

I won't have to pay any more alimony.

But she gets engaged, and then she gets disengaged.

This guy's her fourth.

What's her problem?

She always seems to find something wrong with the man

she's about to marry.

So you're here to make sure she

gets hitched without a hitch.

Got it.

Here she comes.

Wish me luck. - Good luck.

Good luck.

Sheila.

What a delightful surprise.

Allen, what are you doing on this cruise?

Well, I was cleaning my apartment,

and I found some loose change behind the sofa cushion.

Well, according to our divorce agreement,

I'm entitled to half of that.

Well, you won't have to worry about alimony much longer.

I'm getting married.

No.

Yes.

Well, congratulations.

So where's the lucky man?

Lou's paying the cab driver.

He'll be right here.

That must be the cabbie with your luggage now.

Coming through.

That's not the cabbie.

That's Lou.

Lou.

Dollface.

Sheila, you are a lucky woman.

And by tomorrow, I'll be a lucky bride.

Let me.

No, no.

I got it.

Come on, sweetheart.

[Inaudible] Come on, I got that.

I know it doesn't look like a match made in heaven,

but please, give it your best shot.

Enjoy your cruise.

Aunt Sylvia, Betsy.

Betsy, it's Julie!

It's Julie!

Well, you knew she works on the ship.

Why are you so surprised to see her?

I like to be surprised.

Aunt Sylvia!

Oh Julie.

Betsy.

Oh dear.

Oh, Julie, you look so good.

Well, what are you two up to this time?

As your aunt Sylvia would say, whatever do you mean?

What I mean is, every time you come on this ship,

you have some sort of scheme planned.

Julie, how can you say something like that?

Well, the scheme this time is--

[inaudible] Sylvia.

I am writing a book on my life in show business.

That's great.

Tell Julie about the scheme, Betsy.

Tell her about our scheme.

Well, there's this man, John Drake.

And he's the most successful publisher

of show business memoirs.

I've called and called, and I couldn't

get past his secretary.

And guess what, Julie?

Mr. Drake is coming on this cruise.

And we're going to make Betsy seem so fascinating to him

that he would just beg her to let him publish her life story.

Isn't that a wonderful scheme?

I guess it is.

But why don't you ask Mr. Drake?

He's right over there.

Well, here goes.

Excuse me, sir, but isn't that very fascinating looking lady

standing over there, isn't that miss Betsy boucher,

the famous Broadway star?

I never heard of her.

[Boat horn]

[Music playing]

Hello, Laura.

Well, hello, merrill.

Enjoying the cruise?

Is your cabin comfortable?

Oh yes, everything's just perfect.

Where's George?

He's gone to make an important phone call.

Look, if that eye is bothering you,

I'll take you to see Dr. Bricker.

No, it's nothing really.

Well, while the cat's away, the mouse will play, huh?

George.

We're just talking.

I know.

I just like to play the part of the jealous husband.

It flatters Laura.

Gin and tonic for the lady.

Thank you.

Not so fast, Laura.

That could be volatile in the hot sun.

Oh, I was thirsty.

Hear anything about the deal?

No, nothing yet.

But this is no time to talk about business.

I'm sorry, merrill, but you've known Laura a lot

longer than I have.

Was she always this pretty?

The prettiest girl in our group.

Oh, I wasn't either.

Now stop that.

I was a goner from the first moment I met her.

And you know what?

My love for her has grown every minute since I've known her.

She's a real gem.

She certainly is.

Well, business calls.

See ya later.

Bye.

Whoa, Sheila, isn't this a small ship?

No, it's a big ship.

Unfortunately, it's a small world.

Lou, this is Allen, my former husband.

Well, Lou, nice to meet ya.

Sit down.

Join us.

[Inaudible] Grab some sun here.

It's a big ocean, isn't it?

Uh huh.

Well, it looks like we got a lot in common.

Yeah, yeah.

Both wearing zippy 909 drivers.

Lou's very interested in footwear.

I own a chain of shoe stores.

Shoe stores.

Oh, that sounds very exciting.

Want to hear a slogan I came up with?

Kind of fits in with our sports shoe department.

Feel the thrill of victory without the agony of defeat.

Get it?

Agony of defeat.

[Laughter]

Well, Sheila, with a guy with a sense of humor like this,

you're certainly starting your marriage off on the right foot.

Or is it da foot?

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

There he is.

Now, you know what to do.

Betsy, of course I know what to do.

We've gone over it a million times.

You will go over there and sit down next to Mr. Drake,

and then I will come over to you and tell you

that you have a very important phone

call from a very important show business producer.

Now, you go over there.

You can count on me to do my part.

Is this chair taken?

No, it's all yours.

There you are.

I've been looking all over the ship for you.

Yes, Sylvia?

What is it?

Well, I just called your answering service,

and they have a very urgent message for you

from a big Broadway musical producer.

He wants you to star in his new show.

Well, maybe I'll call him back, and maybe I won't.

Who is it?

Who is it?

You mean who's calling.

Yes.

Who is the big Broadway producer who wants

me to star in his musical?

Gilbert hartman, the big Broadway musical producer.

Gilbert hartman.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother to call him back.

Why wouldn't you?

Why not?

Because Gilbert hartman died two years ago.

Betsy, I told you to get a new answering service.

This one takes forever to give you your messages.

Woman (over pa): Attention please.

Main seatin dinner is now being served

in the coral dining room.

This whole cruise is a waste.

Mr. Drake thinks we're so ridiculous.

He'll never publish my book.

Don't be so sure.

I've arranged with Julie to have us sit at the captain's table,

with guess who?

Mr. Drake?

You guessed!

[Inaudible] Betsy.

At dinner, I will ask you to tell that story about how

you were stranded in buffalo.

You know that wonderful funny story you've got in your book.

That is a funny story.

Oh, Mr. Drake will love that story about buffalo.

But listen now, you just ask me to tell it,

and then you keep your mouth shut, ok?

[Applause]

And with the pipeline to the kitchen,

may I suggest the shish kebab?

That's our special tonight.

Thank you, merrill.

All right, shish kebab for two.

I mean, if you can't trust the captain, who can you trust?

Oh come on now, you don't need them.

Besides, they cover those beautiful blue eyes.

Any news about that business deal you've

been waiting to hear about?

No, not yet.

But believe me, it's in the bag.

You might even call this cruise an early celebration.

I wish you luck.

Enjoy yourselves.

Thank you.

You know, your friend uses every excuse

he can to make contact with his old girlfriend.

I'm not his old girlfriend.

Now, you know that, George.

You're right, honey.

I'm sorry.

It's just the damn deal.

You know how important it is to me.

I need it.

I know it, and you're going to get it.

I haven't got much of anything recently.

I better.

George, don't worry.

All right.

I won't.

As long as you love me, everything's ok.

You know I love you.

Mr. Drake, i'd like to tell you

how much I enjoy those show business

autobiographies you publish.

Me too.

They're so revealing.

You really know how to get the stars' innermost secrets.

Ok, Betsy, get ready.

I'll ask you to tell the stranded in buffalo story.

Betsy--

I'm very flattered you all like my books,

but let me tell you, it's not easy.

It seems that everybody who's ever been in show business

feels they have to write their memoirs,

and every last one of them starts

with the same boring story about the time

they were stranded in buffalo.

Did you know that Betsy and my aunt Sylvia

were in show business?

Yes, but we were never in buffalo, ever.

Certainly not.

And if we had been in buffalo ever,

we certainly would never have been stranded there.

Never.

I don't even know where buffalo is.

Actually, the only real information

that I have on buffalo is that you shuffle off to it.

[Music playing]

Your substitute dancer is here,

compliments of your husband.

George asked you to dance with me?

Well, it was more like an order.

He was on his way to the radio room to place a call.

Yeah, he's checking on his deal.

Yes, he told me about that.

He also said that he has been a stick in the mud all evening,

and he wants you to dance and have a good time.

Oh, I, I, I don't, I don't know.

Come on.

Let's show them how Fred stubing and ginger

Thornton used to do it.

Ok.

Come on.

She's wearing a number 625 opera pump [inaudible]

Size 6 and 1/2 Benny.

Benny?

Benny, that's shoe talk for b or medium width.

And you can tell all that from here?

Oh sure.

It's a gift, Sheila.

Man has a gift.

Speaking of feet, why don't you take

mine inside and go dancing?

Oh, honey, i'm afraid I am pooped.

And you know me.

I need my 10 hours' sleep.

Yeah.

Man wants to be strong and healthy for his wedding night.

Not an inconsiderate bone in his body.

Well, we do have a big day tomorrow.

So we might as well say good night.

Ok, good night it is.

Good night, pal.

Sleep tight.

Don't let those bed bugs bite.

Yeah.

Don't tell me the dynamic duo is calling it a night already.

Yeah.

Shame she's going to marry a dud like that.

Sh, quiet.

You could kill the whole thing for me.

The minute he puts that gold band

around her finger, that's when the gold

rushes back to my wallet.

[Music playing]

[Applause]

Well, you two dance very well together.

Thank you, we're old champs.

Won a few prizes in our day.

Let's have a toast.

Oh, come on.

We're not that good.

No, it's for the deal.

It went through.

- You got it. - What else?

George Hayes, super salesman extraordinaire.

I'm in action.

Oh, George.

My congratulations too, George, but you've

going to have to settle for a handshake from me.

Shall we?

All right, now Sylvia, are you sure you understand

everything this time?

Of course I understand.

Julie's going to pretend to surprise us by calling us

to the bandstand to sing a number

and impress Mr. Drake so you can publish your book.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, in addition

to our regular show, we may have a very special treat.

Two wonderful show business performers just happen to be

passengers on this cruise--

my aunt, miss Sylvia duvall, and her equally

talented partner, that great Broadway star,

miss Betsy boucher.

I think with a little encouragement from us,

we just might be able to persuade them to come

up and do a number for us?

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present miss Sylvia

duvall and miss Betsy boucher.

[Applause]

[Interposing voices]

I don't know.

[In unison] Hit it!

[Music playing]

(Singing) Wherever we go, whatever we do,

we're gonna go through it together.

We may not go far, but sure as a star, wherever we are,

it's together.

Wherever I go, I know she goes.

Wherever I go, I know she goes.

No fits. No fights.

No feuds.

And no egos.

Well, sometimes you do get--

amigo.

[Laughter]

Together.

If I start to dance--

we both start to dance.

And sometimes, by chance, we're together.

If I'm singing flat--

then I hit b flat.

We both can be flat together.

Whatever the boat I row, you row.

A duo.

Whatever the row I hoe, you hoe.

Oh ho.

And any iou I owe, you owe.

Me owe?

Yes, you owe.

No, we owe.

Together.

Through thick and through thin, all out or all in,

and whether it's win, place, or show--

it's you for me.

And me for you.

We'll muddle through whatever we do together, forever,

together, wherever, we go.

[Applause]

[Music playing]

Good evening.

Hey Lou, what are you doing here?

I thought you needed your 10 hours.

Oh, who can sleep with all these sweet young things

running around loose?

Hello.

Lou, tomorrow's your wedding day.

Hey, I'm getting married, not embalmed.

Watch this.

It works great with the girls who model the shoes.

Excuse me, miss.

Number 720 gold metallic slingback

sandal, size 7 and 1/2 a.

Well, you're right.

But how did you know that?

I'll explain it to you over a Margarita.

Ok.

Betsy, did you see Mr. Drake's face

when we finished our number?

He just loved it.

Oh, he did, didn't he?

Now I'm sure he'll want to publish your book.

I'm going to go back to our cabin and make some notes.

That way I can outline the whole book for him in the morning.

Betsy, I know that it's important to write

about charming and exciting and colorful characters,

but please don't make me any more charming and exciting

than I really am.

Oh, miss duvall, I'm glad I found you.

I wanted to tell you how very much.

I enjoyed your singing.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Drake.

Of course, Betsy is the better singer.

In fact, Betsy is an all round really exciting person.

In fact, you could write a book about her.

Well, what I mean is that she could write a book about her,

and you could publish the book that she wrote about her.

Well, actually, miss duvall, you're

the one who interests me.

I think I'd like a book you wrote much better.

Why don't we go back to my cabin and discuss it

over a drink, hm?

You see, miss duvall, books are sold by personalities

going on television talk shows.

Audiences love the ditzy blonde type.

I'd better speak to Betsy.

She's kind of blond, and nobody's ditzier than Betsy.

Well, I was thinking maybe you could do it.

You know what I mean, pretend to be the ditzy blonde type.

You think I could?

Well, it's been a delightful evening, merrill.

Oh, I haven't had so much fun in years.

It's so nice to celebrate.

Yes, I'm glad your deal went through, George.

Congratulations again.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, I'm just so proud of you, darling.

Proud of me?

For what?

Oh, for the deal going through.

The deal didn't go through.

It fell through.

There is no deal.

But you said--

I wasn't about to let your old boyfriend, Mr. Success

and his fancy white suit, know that his lover's

husband is a failure.

There was never anything between merrill and me.

No, there never was.

But there is now, right?

You know how you make me feel.

Do you know how lousy you make me feel?

George, I share in your pain.

You share in my pain.

I'm off on that damn ship to shore telephone listening

to my whole life go down the drain, and that's all you

care about is dancing with Mr. Wonderful?

That's not true.

Let's talk about this later.

No, we'll talk about it now.

[Cry]

Ow!

Ow!

Let me in there!

This is your fault, and you're gonna get it!

Laura: Ow, don't!

George, don't hit me.

George, don't hit me!

Please don't hit me again!

[Music playing]

Woman (over pa): This is the last call for brunch now being

served on the starlight deck.

Don't miss out on the croissants,

but please save one for me.

Morning, Sheila.

Today's the big day for you and Lou.

It's still on, isn't it?

You can relax, Allen.

I know what you've been up to.

So you don't have to make a fuss over Lou anymore.

I just--

don't you think I know that he's not

the handsomest, funniest, or the most

intelligent man in the world?

But after a couple of years of the singles rat race,

with all this hey baby, what's your sign, your place or mine?

I just want somebody who's serious.

And Lou is serious.

I know what you mean.

If you do, just let it happen.

Look, I have a million details to take care of.

So why don't you just enjoy the cruise,

and by tonight, financially you'll be a free man.

Sheila--

look, Lou may not be the shining

knight I once thought you were.

But if nothing else, I know he'll be true blue.

Hi Betsy.

Working on your book?

Betsy, there's something that I want to tell you.

Not now, Sylvia.

I want to finish jotting down this amusing anecdote

about when we first met.

Do you remember how I hated you when we first met?

Hello, miss duvall.

I was wondering if we could have a drink later

to discuss how your book is shaping

up, in a manner of speaking.

I'll be in the Neptune bar just before lunch.

What did he mean, your book?

Betsy, I tried to tell him about your book,

but somehow things got mixed up.

And he wants me to write a book about my life.

Sylvia, remember how I hated you when we first met?

Yeah.

That was child's play.

Here.

Write the story of your life.

And if you have any trouble spelling

the words that describe you, at least one of them

starts with a b.

B. Bashful.

Benevolent.

Brilliant.

Betsy, not that b.

Hello, Laura.

Well, hello, merrill.

Only coffee?

I mean, you're passing up our fabulous food?

It's one of the things we're known for.

Well, I'm just really not very hungry today.

What is it, Laura?

Oh, it's nothing.

I slipped in the tub.

I think I might have bruised a rib.

Remember George told you I was accident prone.

I think there's something you're not telling me.

Please, merrill, let it pass.

I can't let it pass.

We need to see Dr. Bricker now.

Oh, no, no.

No, I can handle this myself.

Would you please leave me alone?

Please?

You'll just make matters worse.

Captain: How can matters be worse?

Laura, I want [inaudible].

Will you please, please, go away?

Now I'm begging you.

And don't come near me.

[Music playing]

Well, I don't know what to do, guys.

I mean, if I tell Sheila, she calls off the wedding,

and I'm back in alimony city.

On the other hand, if he's running

around on his honeymoon, what's the marriage going to be like?

On the other hand, who am I to tell Sheila anything?

She's a big girl.

She can take care of herself.

On the other hand--

wait a minute.

You've already used up two sets of hands.

So what do I do?

Can I ask you a very personal question?

Sure.

Were you a good husband?

No.

Well, at least be a good friend.

[Music playing]

Woman (over pa): Buenos dias, and welcome

to delightful puerto vallarta.

While we're in port, you may want

to sample one of the many fine restaurants

that line its cobblestone streets,

and follow it with horseback riding on one

of the beautiful beaches.

Aunt Sylvia, there's not one intelligible word on this page.

Maybe not, but there are enough letters there to make

almost any word you want.

Betsy: Oh, I like this one.

[Gibberish] Am I pronouncing that correctly,

miss book writer?

Yes.

Oh, I can't write a book.

When did you get your first clue?

I have an idea.

Why don't the two of you collaborate on the book?

I have a better idea.

Why don't we write it together?

That's what collaborate means.

Well, I know, but I wasn't sure you did.

[Music playing]

Sheila, you didn't let me talk before, so i'm

going to have my say now.

Allen, please.

I'm still busy with last minute details before the wedding.

I can't let you marry that man.

What?

I just can't.

You don't know anything about the real Lou.

First all you do is build him up.

And now-- Allen, you're driving me crazy.

What if I told you the man is a womanizer?

Lou a womanizer?

I'm disappointed in you, Allen.

Surely you could come up with a more

believable story than that.

Well, he is.

I swear to you he is.

Oh, I get it.

You're so afraid I won't go through with the wedding,

you're using the reverse psychology bit.

Look, in just a few hours, we'll be in that little church

in puerto vallarta.

And when we leave, we'll be mister and missus

or senor and senora, or whatever they

call married people down here.

So you can stop worrying.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to jump into my wedding talks.

George?

Uh, yeah?

I want to know what happened to Laura.

Oh, captain courageous coming to the rescue.

Why don't you ask Laura?

I did.

She told me she slipped in the bath.

I told you she was accident prone.

That line is getting stale, George.

Now look, a very dear friend of mine is in pain, deep pain.

She doesn't want me to be around her.

She doesn't want me to help her.

Now, I don't want to interfere with your family business.

Good.

Then stay out of it.

Here he is.

Good luck.

Well, I read the first chapter.

Wonderful.

May I ask you a question?

Did you like it?

Did you like it?

Did you like it?

Well, it's a very good start.

But to get right down to the point, miss duvall,

these days the public only buys books

with a lot of sex in them.

Maybe we could discuss this later tonight in my cabin?

Give me a call so I can ice the champagne.

Oh, of course I will.

I hate hot champagne.

What did he say?

I think what he said was that the seamy side of life

sells books.

Do we have a seamy side?

You're my only seamy side.

Let's go back to the typewriter

and see if we can't get seamier.

What does he mean by seamy?

Dirty.

[Inaudible] Water Polo?

Let's [inaudible] Teams.

I want you both on my side.

Hey Lou.

Ah.

I just ran into your little girlfriend Cindy.

Oh?

Yeah, she was looking for you.

You must have been a big hit last night.

Yeah?

Little old me?

She was so anxious to see you again, I said she

could wait in my cabin for you.

Guess that was a mistake, what with you practically

standing at the altar.

Your cabin?

Yeah, well it makes more sense than using yours,

with Sheila right next door.

That's right.

And if I know Sheila, it's going to be a couple of hours

before she's finished dressing.

Wait a minute.

How can I be with another woman at a time like this?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll think of a good reason on my way there.

He told me he wanted me to stay away from you.

But I want to help.

If I stayed away, I'd feel helpless.

[Sigh]

Is that the problem?

This?

No.

No, this is just an occasional attempt to block it out.

It's not a very pretty story, merrill.

Sometimes it helps to share with a friend.

[Music playing]

Allen, what are you up to?

I know you're up to something.

Nothing.

Sheila, I just thought it would be nice,

after all we've been through, to have a quiet goodbye

drink together in my cabin.

That's all.

That's all, really?

Sheila, you're getting married.

If a guy can't drink a toast to his ex-wife,

who can he drink a toast to?

Lou!

Oh my gosh, Sheila.

Lou, how could you?

How could I what?

Oh, you mean her.

I was just taking something out of her eye.

Uh, it looks fine now.

You can go.

Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

You were kissing her, Lou.

He was kissing her, wasn't he, Allen?

That looked like kissing, right?

That was not kissing.

I was giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation.

I found her outside in the passageway.

Poor thing said she wasn't feeling well.

Stop it, Lou. I'm not an idiot.

I can explain.

I can explain everything.

You can take your explanations and shove

them up your crepe soled wing tip [inaudible]

Size 9 and 1/2 berny!

That's Benny!

9 and 1/2 Benny.

She never understood my business.

Woman (over pa): Ladies and gentlemen, we are

now leaving puerto vallarta.

We hope your visit was a memorable one.

There's plenty of time to make more memories on our return

trip to Los Angeles.

Hasta luego.

Laur, laur, please don't leave.

Please don't.

I'm sorry.

You've said that before, George.

No, I, I couldn't help myself last night.

When I saw you dancing with stubing, I went crazy.

I, i-- you were having such a good time.

My whole world was falling apart.

You told him to dance with me.

You set the whole thing up, just like you always do.

You goad me, George.

You, you try to create a situation

so you can be jealous.

So you can, so you can make it look like it's my fault

and then take it out on me.

I was jealous.

George, it had nothing to do with jealousy or with merrill.

You were just looking for an excuse.

Wait a minute.

What does that mean, it was an excuse?

It's because of you and that damn captain.

And you were with him today.

I know.

Yes.

If you mean I was sharing a problem with a friend,

you're quite right.

But the final solution is mine.

George, every time something goes wrong for you,

every time you, you're passed over for a promotion,

or some business deal falls through, you,

you always take it out on me.

When you're angry with the world, with yourself,

you hit me.

That's not true.

I love you.

I don't think I can live with that kind of love anymore.

I don't want to.

Laura, please, please forgive me.

Please, Laura.

I, I promise I won't--

I don't want to hear any more promises.

I hurt from your promises.

I bleed from your promises.

I, I cry [inaudible].

What did you write, Betsy?

Read it.

Oh, Betsy, did I really do that?

No, I made it up.

If Mr. Drake wants sex, we'll give him sex.

Good girl.

Or bad girl, as the case may be.

Well, I know I didn't do that.

It's too dumb.

You did that.

Maybe it isn't that dumb.

Tell me, did we do that, or did you make it up?

I made it up.

Oh, I am sorry to hear it.

That sounds like it could have been kind of fun.

It does, doesn't it?

[Music playing]

Sheila.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

No, you did me a favor.

Better to find out now than later, right?

I guess.

You know what else you did?

What?

You put yourself back in hock with the alimony payments.

I don't know what got into me.

I was never Mr. Nice guy.

Though when I found out what he was, I had to let

you know somehow.

You knew they were in the cabin?

Allen: Yes.

And I know what got into me.

All of a sudden I was taking care of you again.

It felt kinda nice.

In a strange way, it felt kind of nice to me too.

Well, what do we do with the rest of the night?

I say we do what comes naturally.

Let the night take care of itself.

[Music playing]

Betsy, I don't know if it's right to let Mr. Drake read

all those seamy lies about us.

Sylvia, these seamy lies may very well make us rich.

Oh, Mr. Drake.

Read what we've written.

I think you'll like it.

I'd have liked it more if you'd join me for champagne.

You were both in harems in the near east?

In different harems.

Sylvia was in a harem in the near east.

I was in a harem in the far east.

We met at a harem convention in the middle east.

This is sensational.

I think I am going to publish it.

[Laughter] All the Hicks in the south

will eat up these sordid scenes.

[Laughter]

It just so happens, Mr. Drake, that most of my relatives

are Hicks from the south.

So forget it.

What do you mean, forget it?

She means forget it, Mr. Drake.

We don't want to embarrass our relatives,

even though my relatives are Hicks from New York City.

Besides, she made it all up.

I'll still publish it.

This is hot.

You'll make a lot of money.

No thanks.

Goodbye, Mr. Drake.

You're making a big mistake.

Well, I'm just sorry we won't ever get our memoirs published.

Me too.

Now I'll never know how my life turned out.

It's just so hard to understand, merrill.

You give your whole life, your very soul, to someone.

It just ends up in pain.

[Sigh]

I'm sure there's something in George's past,

childhood that brought this on.

Oh, I know.

I know.

But it still hurts.

I'd like to talk to you, Laura.

I love you.

I know you do, George.

Merrill said that I need help, and he's right.

I've known it for a long time.

But I didn't want to face it.

I was afraid to admit it.

But you did admit it.

Why?

When you said that you didn't know if you loved me anymore,

it tore me out inside.

I don't know how you stayed with me as long as you did,

but I do know that I got to have you in my future.

If the future is going to be anything like the past, George,

I don't want any part of it.

I'll get help.

I promise.

Just stay with me, please.

I really don't think I should.

[Inaudible] It might be best for both of you

to stay apart for a while.

But Laura, I need you.

I have needs too.

Peace, security.

Freedom from fear in my own home.

Basic needs.

This can't go on like this.

George.

If you ever find that man I used to love, I'll be waiting.

[Music playing]

Well, thanks for everything, guys.

And I may be able to afford to come back

and see you again real soon.

Sheila, don't tell me you're giving up the alimony.

No.

No.

In fact, I insisted on her getting it.

It'll cost me a lot less to live.

We're moving in together.

Hey, that's great.

Wait a minute.

How's old Lou taking the news?

See for yourself.

Number 880, black and white spectators,

size 6 and 1/2 double a1?

Lou the shoe strikes again.

Come see us again.

Bye captain.

George.

Laura will be staying with her sister until--

until I can deal with my problem.

I'll be waiting outside.

Well, I know it won't be easy, but I, I have a lot

of time invested in that man.

I just hope the future proves it worthwhile.

I wish you the best, Laura.

I know you do.

I know you do.

You're a very wonderful, caring human being, merrill.

So are you, Laura.

And you deserve what every human being deserves, love.

With respect and dignity.

Don't settle for less.

I won't.

I won't.

No, that's not the way it happened at all.

Yes it is.

Goodbye you two.

Are you still going to keep on writing your book

about your lives together?

Well, I don't know, Julie.

She and I don't seem to be able to agree

on how anything happened.

We can't even agree on how we met.

Isn't that strange?

Betsy and I have been friends for years,

but I honestly don't think we ever met.

[Laughter]

[Theme music]