Original subtitles

That's a terrible decision. Oh, and you're the expert, are you?

I've got eyes, mate, I've got four of them.

You know nothing, mate, nothing! Come on, you Reds!

Yes, come on, please, the red, just the red ones!

Oh, naff off, ref, that was never a foul!

Oh, put your handbag away, Grandma.

What's going on here then? Since when did you watch football?

Oh, they keep talking about it at work.

I'm just watching enough so I've got something to say.

Ah, excuse me, it's time for my Murder, She Wrote!

Murder, She Wrote? Again?

Yes, it's my one form of entertainment and I...

Oh, that was a dive! That was a dive!

All part of the game! Part of the game!

Yeah, kick his head in!

Look at this.

Wow!

They've got a promo and everything.

"Here at Arrowcroft Hall, we look after your every need.

"A beautiful 16th-century mansion set within 100 acres

"of green English countryside.

"Weddings, celebrations, corporate events, whatever the occasion..."

You should do one of these films.

No, I'm not going in front of the camera again.

That's fine, I'll do it. Easy.

Oh, wow!

Skills! Oh, he's so good!

You just fancy him from that aftershave ad.

No, I don't. It's nothing to do with that.

I just admire his, like...

Keepie-uppies. Keep, keepie-uppies. Keep, keepie-uppies.

Well, I could do that if I had, like, 1,000 hours' practise.

I don't think you could. I could.

Only 1,000?

Humphrey, can I borrow you for a bit?

HE MUMBLES

Well, Mike's filming this promo thing today

and we should soon have enough money to start the gatehouse.

So, between making money from that and events,

he should be able to stop his job job.

Great, that's so good.

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You looked like you just...seen a...

Oh, no, it's only, I'm just going on and on about myself. Hel

How about you, how are things with the cafe, any news?

Oh, God, don't ask.

Did you...? What? Really?

I thought it was all good. You just looked at me.

It's a long story, honestly, I'd rather hear about you.

Can you see me?

Did something happen?

Excuse me.

It's so embarrassing.

Young lady, can you tell me who won the war?

I've lost it all. What?

Yeah, he basically conned me.

He did all this talk about investment

and believing in my vision, and then he just ran off with my deposit.

Oh, my...

Just all the money I'd saved.

What a total...

Yeah.

Isn't there something, like, that you can do?

Yeah, well, he said it would be easier if we put all the money

into one account and I just didn't even question it!

So..

I mean, I guess...

..I'm an, I'm an idiot.

You're not an idiot.

No, I, I am an idiot, actually, because I didn't read the paperwork,

I didn't get any independent advice,

I didn't even check his background.

Oh, no!

Lucy, none of this is your fault.

You poor thing. Come here. Come here.

Do you...?

I fancy a jog, actually.

Shall we jog back to the car?

Erm...yeah.

Just get out of here, shake it off.

Oh...

We're going to be stuck here forever and I just think I'll go mad.

Now steady on. Steady.

We must not lose our morale.

At least we have each other.

Yes, Gerald.

And there must be some way off this island, Beatrice.

We need a boat!

We could cut down this tree.

Ah! Ah, that's done it.

Here she goes. Timber!

And we can fashion it into a canoe.

Tong, tong, tong, tong. Tong, tong, tong, tong.

There we go. In you get, Beatrice.

Aye! OK.

Yeah. Very good. Right, OK.

I see home!

Ah, land ahoy!

And scene! Lovely.

Lovely stuff.

You got stuck on an island and you found a way off of it.

Wonderful improvisation.

Do I like that.

Whose line is it anyway?

Right, who's next? No, let someone else have a turn.

Me! Yes, Mary.

And...where's Lady B?

Well, she's watching Murder, She Wrote.

Is she, again?

Yes, afraid so.

OK, Robin, would you like to, you know, give it a try?

HE GROANS

OK, well, let's start with something simple,

so how about the shopkeeper and the customer?

Mary enters Robin's shop

and...

..improvise.

Where's the shop? It's here.

What?

Well, it's pretend. You know, use your imagination.

It's in your imagination.

Door, Mary.

Please, can I have a door?

Oh, it's a door shop.

Great, yeah.

No.

OK.

Now, Robin, that's called blocking.

Mary's made you an offer there, she's made this a door shop,

so you need to build on that

and say something like, "What kind of door do you require, madam?"

What door you want?

Oh, erm...

Can I have a new door?

No.

OK, Robin, that's...

Don't block, OK?

In improvisation, you say, "Yes, and..."

OK?

Yes, and...

..no.

You know, why do I want a new door, though, Patrick?

I don't know, it's not my...

Let's try something new, OK?

Erm, how about the doctor's surgery?

Oh, yes.

OK. And...improvise.

Hello, are you a doctor? No.

Flaming Nora!

BUZZING OUTSIDE

Take cover!

Oooh!

Nice.

Yeah!

All right!

Daddy got a brand-new drone.

Oh, yeah.

It's a sweet bit of kit.

Of course, the Americans were playing with these sorts of things

back in my day.

They were a lot bigger,

and noisier and more about missiles than cameras.

But, you know, pretty cool.

No, no, no, don't go down, go up, up, up.

No, don't go down.

Go up. Come on.

Yeah. Course it doesn't come fully charged.

Fully charged!

What wrong with a good old triple A?

Ah?

If you'd gone to the shop,

you could've had it fixed in no time.

Probably got to plug it in now.

HE GROANS

One, two, three, four.

Come on, we can do it.

Oi!

I counted ten, ten's good.

It's so much harder than it looks! Yes, so is your knee.

Are we taking a break now?

Yes, no, that hurt me, too. Did it?

We're both suffering, Humphrey.

Stop complaining.

Easy for you to say, you're not the one...

Button House has stood on this site since the 15th century.

It has entertained Henry VIII and now it could entertain you.

It's the perfect place for your event,

whether it's weddings...

What?!

Ha-ha! You're terrible at this.

It's like watching Jeffrey Archer on Newsnight.

Go on, do it again.

It entertained Henry VIII and now it could entertain you.

HE MUMBLES

It's the perfect place for your event!

It's the perfect place for your event... Yes.

..whether it's weddings, celebrations or corporate occasions.

You've come to right to the place if you've come to Button...

You're in the shot. Sorry! It's fine.

He nearly got it then!

This is nice. Thanks.

Wow. Are you behaving yourself?

Yes. Which one is it? Julian.

That's all I need. I haven't done anything!

He says he's just watching.

Erm, can I just talk to you about something?

Yeah, of course.

All right, yeah, private thing, is it?

Yeah, you take five, Mike. We'll get it in the can later, yeah?

Yes, and there was a big army coming towards us!

Oh, good.

Yes, and we open the new door.

Good, we're back in the door shop.

Yes, and on the other side of the door is a kingdom of tiny peoples.

Yes, and they make me their queen.

Mary!

And, yes, and we are given a drink out of a gleaming cup

and big plates of potatoes. Mary!

Yes, and the potion is making us all drowsy.

Yes, and the little peoples carry us towards their big cooking pot.

OK, Mary, do you want to pass it over to Robin?

Yes, and...

Doctor, doctor, can you help me? Is there a door out of this world?

No.

Aw, scene!

Lord love, a scene.

Mary, that's a bit too much imagination, if anything.

And, Robin, you need to work on your blocking, mate.

No. No?

So they just ran off with all her money? Yeah.

That's awful.

Isn't it? And I was thinking,

like, I, I know that we're this close to making the gatehouse target

and you, you have worked so hard towards that moment.

So have you.

And it would be like a nightmare to delay it any more,

but what I was thinking... What if we lend her the money?

Of course we should. Are you sure?

Cos I don't want to do this if you're not sure.

She's your sister. If it was my sister, we'd do it.

Well, one of 'em.

I love you. Thank you. Thank you.

She's going to be so happy. Yeah.

How's filming? Er, smashing it.

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

Ah. Hello, Katherine.

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you.

Hmm.

I wish I had a photo with Alison.

Ah. No can do, I'm afraid.

But...I imagine, if it were possible,

then you'd be straight into the hall of fame

with that wonderful smile of yours.

Now, where is it? Where is it?

There it is.

Now, come along.

Can't have you moping about all day.

Oh, look, Weymouth.

Yeah.

Got some happy memories there, actually.

You mean the seaside? Hmm. That's Cornwall.

No, no, no. That's Weymouth.

No, I recognise, I recognise the pillbox on the rise there,

just over his right shoulder there, do you see?

Yeah, I actually went on manoeuvres.

First time I got to fire a Bren gun - very exciting.

I did hit a seagull.

I still feel bad about it, actually.

I mean, it's the silence after the shot.

One minute they're cawing away happily,

the next it's just feathers.

Lucy said it was Cornwall.

Yes, so, well, Mike and I have been talking about your situation,

with the business, and we were thinking we want to help.

Oh, God, please don't think...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying we...

Honestly, we've been saving

and we want to invest it in your business.

It's, it's an investment

because we believe in you, and we think it's going to be great.

Wow, this is... Are you sure?

Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, to, to be honest this,

this is actually a bit of a dream come true for me

cos, like...I've never had a sister, obviously,

and, you know, I've always been...

..I was always jealous of my friends who had siblings.

And, you know, my parents aren't around and, er...

..and so to find out I actually have some family...

..and the fact that I can help you with something

is just...honestly, honestly, nothing would make me happier.

Sorry, I was going through a tunnel.

Lost you for that last bit. Yeah, it...it...

No, actually, it doesn't matter. Um...

We...we...I want you to have the money.

Surely...that's...enough...mate?!

28, 29. Oh, this is so good! Oh! Ah...!

Damnation.

Humphrey?!

It's the perfect place for your event.

STUMBLING: Whether this is wedding... Ugh!

Ooh! Whether it's weddings, corpers...

..corporate corcasions...

..remedy redding... Oh!

Let's face it, mate, you're just not cut out for this.

Come on, Mikey-boy, it's easy.

It's just talking. I mean, it's my house.

Look at it. Button House.

I mean, I can't believe it's our family home...

This is Button House.

I still can't believe that this beautiful building,

with all its history, is actually our family home.

If you choose Button House for your wedding or celebration,

or any event, we'll make you feel like part of the family, too.

We'd love to share it with you.

That was pretty good.

Should've been recording.

Oh...

Thanks, Julian.

I'm over here, but you're welcome.

Other side, mate.

She's a liar!

What? Lucy. That photo on your mirror -

she said it was taken in Cornwall, didn't she? Yes.

Ha! Well, it wasn't! It was Weymouth!

The Captain knows it was because it's where he killed a seagull.

What are you talking about?

If she's lying about that then what else is she lying about?

She's driving us apart.

Well, maybe it was a mistake,

or, I don't know, or the Captain got it wrong.

No, but... No, Kitty, you've got to stop!

You've been jealous of her from the moment she came along.

I know, I know that you're finding this difficult, Kitty,

but she's my sister and that's not going to change.

It's not her that's driving us apart, it's you.

Humphrey?

HUMMING

Humphrey?

Oh! Shh! Just hide me, please!

Humphrey? Humphrey!

Where? I don't know, just improvise!

Humphrey!

Oh, come on, Humphrey. We were having fun, weren't we?

Humphrey?

Mary!

You haven't seen Humphrey's head, by any chance?

Yes, and, erm...

He be in the...the world of the tiny peoples.

What? Yes, and he's gone to the door shop.

Well, that is spectacularly helpful, thank you, Mary.

Humphrey?! Humphrey?!

Well, I don't know what that was, but thank you.

You's welcome.

No, no, no! Take me with you!

Oh, all right.

Oi!

Lift me up! Oh!

DRONE BUZZES

Right, then... There we go.

There she blows.

BOTH: Lovely.

Right. Now, I think...

Ha!

What? No, no, no!

It's going to look great! Wait, wait, wait...

Oh! No, no, no!

Stop!

What's your problem? That's your finale!

Stop, come back, come back, come back!

Well, to cut a long story short,

apparently, Lucy said it was in Cornwall.

WOMAN SPEAKS ON TV

But... Sorry, Fanny. I've always wondered,

is it not a frightful coincidence that she's always there

at the scene of the murder? Hmm?

I mean, have the police not thought to ask themselves

whether it's more than a coincidence? Shh!

ON TV: You, Mr Halliwell, are the murderer.

There! I knew she'd get her man.

Ah, quelle surprise.

Now, what were you saying?

The photograph was in Weymouth,

whereas Lucy said it was in Cornwall.

Now, look, it could be a harmless mistake,

but Kitty rather seems to think it means something.

Foul play?

Let me see this photograph!

Alison,

I'm sorry about what I said.

You're right, I was just jealous.

I think it's so wonderful that you're helping her.

That's what sisters do, isn't it?

So if I can help you help her, I'd love to.

Thank you, Kitty.

I knew you'd come round eventually.

No problem.

I love Lucy now and I trust her completely.

Hm.

And you're certain?

I'm absolutely sure of it. It's the pillbox, you see?

Now, I remember it vividly. Hmm.

Well, if you want to convince someone you're their sister,

then a photograph of their father is certainly an ingenious way to start.

But is it possible to fake a photograph?

Oh, yes, you can do anything with Photoshop.

Yes, take it to the photo shop,

they cut out the negative and then...

No, it's computer software.

You can take someone's face,

for example, the Leader of the Opposition,

and put it on the body of, let's say, a donkey.

Print it up as a Christmas card, send it to everyone in the Commons,

you've got yourself a Yuletide jape!

Great days.

Let me show you how it works.

Here, don't kick me...

Face front, Mary.

There we go. ALL: Oh!

See? Oh, that's like the thumb trick.

Thumb...? Oh!

Ha...

ARGH! Ah!

Oh, for a moment there, you did a...

Hey... Argh!

Oh, I see, it's just a...

Hey... Argh! Oh...

Right. So we know it can be done,

but where on Earth would Lucy have got a photograph of Alison's father?

That's it!

Down. Keep going. Keep going. A little bit more.

That's it! Yes. Yes. Yes.

No, no, no, don't do "resume", do "watch from start"!

All right. All right. All right. All right.

Ah... Yes.

ON TV: Coming up on History's Greatest Plots...

DOOR OPENS

Oh... Oh, you all right?

OUT OF BREATH: Just been...round the house...

..chasing a...drone.

Do you mind coming with me to meet Lucy?

She says she needs the transfer today.

Can't you do it on your phone?

Well, I don't know. It's, like, kind of a big deal.

I want to toast it with her. Yeah.

Yeah? Good idea. OK.

Rest up.

I need water. I need some water.

It's coming up here. Get ready.

I'm ready, I'm ready! Get ready!

It's around here...

There you are. Oh, God.

Where did you get to? Shh!

This is important! We think Lucy might be up to no good!

What? Yeah. Now!

Halt, halt, halt! Pause!

Ah!

There.

Oh, no. It be facing t'other way.

ROBIN: But he have same beard. No, it's turned the other way.

But beard is... Not so fast.

Huh?

It's all a matter of perspective.

When one looks at the reflection...

..the face is identical.

Ah, she flipped it. Good Lord.

So she saw Alison on the television...

ALISON: It was, um, inherited through my dad's side...

..learned that she was an orphan

in possession of an impressive country estate...

..so, with no living relatives...

..tracked down the address...

Hi.

..ingratiated herself...

Do you take sugar? One, please.

Same as me.

..and used a doctored photograph

to make Alison believe they were sisters.

Is this when he was living in Cornwall?

Yeah.

Looks like I have a sister.

Good Lord.

Oh... Which all begs the question - what does she want?

What does she want?

We have to warn Alison! Yes. Come on!

Ah!

Oi, wait, hey!

Don't forget about me...!

GHOSTS CLAMOUR

We've got to find her! Kitty! Kitty!

Where's Alison?

She and Mike have gone to give Lucy all of their savings.

Come on!

GHOSTS CLAMOUR

POP MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO

GHOSTS SHOUT

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

POP MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO

GHOSTS SHOUT

No!

This is unbelievable.

You guys are so kind.

I was literally about to lose the lease.

Well, what's family for?

I mean, it's like it was fate.

If you hadn't been on TV, and I hadn't happened to have seen it,

then we never would have found each other.

Imagine if Dad could see us.

OK, so, er...

Account name.

Should I put Lucy, or....

..is that not your real name?

No!

Somebody do something!

We have to improvise! Yes, and...?

Not that kind of improvise, Mary!

Kick me. What?

Kick me. Really?

There comes a time when the great...

Ah!

Aliso-o-o-on!

Oh... Oh, my God. What? Stop! Come back!

It's about Lucy!

Yeah, that's pretty clear.

And we've got your bank details, so I'm sure the police can work it out.

Why me?

Don't take it personally.

CAR DOORS SHUT

What a day.

Give me a sec.

Take your time.

I'm sorry you lost the sister you never had.

You're the sister I never had.

I want to give you a hug.

You're not going to like it.

Oh, who cares?

Oh...

Yes, you're right, that was horrible.

Welcome home. Yeah.

Yes. Welcome back. Welcome home. Yeah.

Glad you're back. Thanks, guys.

FANNY GASPS

There's been a murder!

Nobody is to leave this room until...

Mike? Mike? Hmm? Budge up.

Might be an idea to lay off the Murder, She Wrote for a bit.

Yes. Yes, I suppose I should.

Mm.

But well done on piecing it all together. That was good, wasn't it?

GHOSTS: Yes. Good. Very good.

Truly remarkable, Fanny.

Dinner is served.

Ah. GHOSTS: Ooh!

Do you like it, Kitty?

I can't stop looking at it. It's wonderful!

Beautiful, that. Marvellous.

A nice, long finish.

I'd love that. If only we could actually eat.

Yes, and...

Mm! That was lovely.

There we go. Are you enjoying your steak, Robin?

I'm not...

Yes...

..and...I very much looking forward to pudding.

And what are you having for pudding, Robin?

Yes, and berries,

yes, and cream.

Creamy berries. Lovely.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers, everyone. Cheers.

Cheers. Good health. Cheers, everyone. Good health.

Down the hatch. Cheers. Cheers.

What are you drinking? Pint of bitter.

You? Cheers.

A nice glass of port.

SPEECH FADES OUT

Stop!

DRONE BUZZES

Stop! Stop!

Julian, what did you do?!