All language subtitles for Columbo.S08E03.1080p.BluRay.x265-KONTRAST

For those of you who read my new book,
"The Courtesan Complex, "

and I hope you do, even if
you have to get it from the library,

you'll find a big, fat chapter called...

"Sexual Fantasies and Fantastic Sex."

Patients I work with here...

at the Allenby Clinic,

listeners who write to us,
people I meet around the country,

everyone thinks that his sexual fantasies,

or her sexual fantasies,

are unique and personal
and perhaps even a little shameful.

We get a lot of call-ins about that.

And the fact is,

that those fantasies are as common...

and as healthy as rain.

The big secret is everybody's got 'em.

For women, one of the most common
fantasies is that of being a courtesan.

A highly desired,
incredibly beautiful prostitute,

bestowing her favors
on her chosen lover.

In the few moments I have left,
I wanna make the point,

that everybody dreams
the same sexy dream.

So don't be shy about including it
in your love games.

As long as they're just games,
I give you my permission.

The book, again,
is "The Courtesan Complex,"

and until next time,
this is Dr. Joan Allenby,

suggesting that
a rich sexual fantasy life...

is as important to good sex
as choosing the right lover.

Bye-bye for now.

- Well, now.
- Well, now.

Why did you ever leave me?

I give you three seconds
to run into my arms.

Male domination.

One.

I hate your business trips.

Two.

I hate my business trips.

Three.

Oh, boy.

When do we really get
serious about this?

Tonight in Chicago.

Mmm-mmm. Can't go with you.

No, David, you promised.

I promised you
your own television show,

and the deal makes here, tomorrow, LA.

What's more important anyway,
happiness or money?

The Dr. Allenby Clinic.

- Good afternoon.
- I loathe those damn radio conventions.

The good old syndication boys.

Can't your meeting wait another day?

No. So you'll have to carry
the flag in Chicago.

I hate it. Come with me.

Not a prayer.

She's crazy about him.
I haven't got a chance.

Madge, did you call a car
for Dr. Allenby?

Limo's waiting downstairs.

He may not be so crazy about her.

There may be hope yet, Doctor.

Joanie, believe me,
one day in Chicago will do it.

You'll dazzle the buyers
and head for the hills.

Uh-huh. You know what
"fat chance" means?

Yeah?

Joan, I've done a new paper
for the journal.

"Narcissism and Frigidity." You might
take a look at it on the plane.

I will if I get time. Simon,
did you enjoy my broadcast?

What makes you think
I listened to it, Doctor?

If I hated a program
as much as you hate mine,

I'd probably listen
out of sheer malicious spite.

Cheap, shoddy commercialization.

Actually, Simon,
there's nothing cheap about it.

Joan, you need to get a move on.

Plane tickets, itinerary.

- Limo will meet you at O'Hare.
- Yep.

Hotel reservations,
and Agatha Christie.

If nothing else, she'll help you sleep.

Cindy, how could I
survive without you?

Oh, you can't. It's job security.

Bye-bye.

For a couple of lovesick kids, we sure do
have a hard time getting together.

Oh, good. That sounds like guilt.

Where there's guilt, there's hope.

Did you call your mother today?

And when was the last time
you made love to me?

I don't remember.

Oh, very good!

Does that make you feel guilty?

Just makes me wanna make love to you.

Wait for me, cowboy.

I adore you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we regret Flight 141 to...

Chicago O'Hare Airport is...

- still delayed.
- Dr. Allenby.

Dr. Allenby.

We anticipate the fog...

- will be with us through the night.
- Oh, we're finally boarding.

I'm afraid not.
The airport's still socked in.

What about Burbank,
or one of the other airports?

Dr. Allenby, may I make a suggestion?

Why don't you get a good night's sleep
at one of the airport hotels,

and I can book you on the
first flight in the morning?

If I'm going to sleep,
I can do better than a hotel.

I appreciate all your help.

My pleasure.

I enjoyed reading
"The Courtesan Complex."

I enjoyed writing it.

We regret all flights...

departing and arriving...

will be delayed until further notice.

Will Mr. Bruce Phillips...

please go to the white courtesy phone...

in the main lobby?

Good evening, Dr. Allenby.

Hello, Ozzie. Final exams?

Yes. In law school,
every day is final exams.

You think so, counselor?
Try a doctorate in psychology.

I'm hungry.

If I was a dessert,
what kind of dessert would I be?

Bavarian chocolate cream pie,

laced with rare Napoleon brandy.

What about your Dr. Joan?

Rice pudding.

We're now landing at LAX.

Thank you for flying with us,
and have a nice day.

Passengers from Flight 219
from Chicago...

may pick up your baggage
at the first door.

Oh, hello again.

Tell me how much you missed me.

We made the TV deal.

That much?

Now give it to me, come on.

Gladly.

How was Chicago?

Like an all-day dental appointment.

David?

Yo.

How long we been together?

Business or pleasure?

Take your pick.

Three years.

You ever get tired of me?

Come on.

Does the sky get tired of the sun?

Still, I think it's time we took
some of my professional advice.

Advise me, Doctor.

Fun and games.

What flavor?

Sultan and slave girl.

Headmistress and choirboy. Whatever.

That's some "whatever."

We've got the reception
at the Music Center tonight.

Is that really what you wanna do?

What do I really want to do?

There's a cocktail lounge
called Buckets.

Meet me there at 9:00.

Boy, have I got plans for you.

Joan!

Oh, Joan, thank God you've come.
I've forgotten everyone's name.

Relax, Helen.
It looks like a wonderful turnout.

Well, now comes phase two,
the prying open of the checkbook.

Go. Circulate. Get money for music.

Married women circulate.
Single women mingle.

Joan.

Walter, I didn't know
you were going to be here tonight.

Well, I'm testing my agoraphobia.

If I can stand all this,
I can stand anything.

Where's David?

Well, he had to work.

Oh. Well,

why don't the two of us find a quiet
corner and share some hors d'oeuvres?

I'll protect you from the rabble.

I'd love to, Walter, but the committee
members are supposed to mix.

Enjoy the concert.

- Oh, excuse me.
- I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, what a marvelous hat!
I love it!

Thank you.

I don't believe we've met.
I'm Helen Hendrix from the committee.

Have you ever considered
making a donation?

Can I buy you a drink?

Competition?

Never seen her before.

Did she buy the chair?

Not yet, she didn't.

I'll deliver this myself.

Drinks are on the house.

Hi. I'm Lisa.

- Hi, Lisa.
- Matches?

That's for friendship and understanding.

Good luck, Lisa.

What?

Hello, sailor. You come here often?

You're playing games, Joan?

Yes, and I'm not Joanie. I'm Lisa.

Come on, David, loosen up.
Play with me a little.

How do you like your Lisa?

Lisa has never looked more delectable.

Would you like to take Lisa home
with you?

Say yes.

Yes.

Money.

Enough?

For starters.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Come on up and see the doctor.

Is Lisa a doctor?

Mmm-hmm. Wait till you see
what kind of doctor.

Good evening, Mr. Kincaid.

How long till the bar, Ozzie?

Uh, next spring, Mr. Kincaid.

You'll do fine.

Yeah, well, working nights,
I have plenty of studying time.

That's the way I did it.

Shh.

What are we whispering for?

My mother is sleeping in here.

Shh.

My Uncle Max is in there.

Oh, that's it.

And this is my room.

No.

Let me do everything.

It's my evening. I'm in charge.

You don't have to do anything.

You're forbidden to do anything,

except to enjoy everything.

My glove.

Wait till you see
what I can do with this.

Where did you learn all this, huh?

I wrote the book, remember?

I'm your instrument of
absolute pleasure.

Don't go.

Just for a minute.

Don't look.

Get ready for my real surprise.

I'm almost ready now.

What?

If I were a dessert,
what kind of dessert would I be?

Sorry, but you can't go in there.

Really?

I could spend the rest of my life
just watching you walk toward me.

Thank you.

And now you can watch me
walk away from you.

Well, partner, we did it,
concert and all.

What do you think? Big success?

I think everything came off perfectly.

Okay, so let me get this straight.
This is a complete log here...

of everyone that came in and went out
of the building. Is that correct, sir?

That's right. Excuse me, officer.
Dr. Allenby?

Dr. Allenby, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Ozzie.
I don't think I believe it yet.

Whoa!

Thank you, thank you.

Joan.

Oh, Joan.

- What can I say?
- I know, Cindy. Thank you.

Joan, it's so awful. I feel so bad.

Thank you. There's so much
to feel bad about, Madge.

Here.

Lieutenant Columbo.

This is Dr. Allenby. Joan, this is
Lieutenant Columbo from the police.

You're Dr. Allenby?

I've been looking forward
to meeting you,

and here we rode all the way
up in the elevator together.

I'm, uh... I'm very sorry, ma'am,
about what happened.

I'm not sure what happened,
Lieutenant.

The call said David is dead,
shot to death last night. That's all I know.

It's not a very pleasant subject, ma'am.

Where did it happen?

In that bedroom, ma'am.

May I see the room?

Doctor.

I'm sorry, Dr. Allenby's appointments
are canceled until further notice.

Well, Doctor, I'm not sure
you'll be ready for all that yet,

being that you and the victim were,
as I understand it, very close.

I'm not a stranger to shock, Lieutenant.
I wanna know what happened.

All right, ma'am,
if that's what you want.

Joan. Joan.

I called the radio people and canceled
your program for the rest of the week.

Thank you, Simon.
That was very thoughtful.

Oh, Joan, did you get a chance
to look at my new paper?

No, Simon. I did not.

You see, Doctor? This is all
what I didn't want you to see.

In here, that's where it happened.

There?

That's where he fell, ma'am,

after the woman shot him.

A woman?

If you'll forgive my saying so, ma'am,
a very beautiful woman,

very desirable, here in
the bedroom with Mr. Kincaid.

We got a description
from the night security guard.

Dark hair, all dressed in black,
with a black fedora hat.

Does that strike a chord, ma'am?

Would Mr. Kincaid know
anybody like that?

Would you know anybody like that?

No. No, I didn't know that
David knew anyone like that.

Is there some explanation?

It's hard to come right out
and say it, ma'am,

but you can see there's some
kind of violence here, and...

over here there's blood on the carpet,

nothing to do with the body,
like he was hurting her.

I'm sorry to say, ma'am,

like he was making her do something
she didn't want to do.

And she was armed.

Unless there was already
a gun in the room.

And she shot him.

At least that's the way it seems.

I can assure you, Lieutenant,
there was no gun in this room.

You know, I was wondering, ma'am,

what kind of room is this?

We're psychologists here, Lieutenant.

Our patients come to us
with sexual problems.

Sometimes alone,
sometimes in couples.

Sometimes a room like this
can be conducive...

to solving their sexual problems.

And we also use that part
for lecture purposes.

You mean, these people,
they go to bed here?

That's what the whole room
was designed for.

And the people
there are watching them?

No, Lieutenant.
I assure you, they're quite alone.

But there's people out there.
I mean, in the hall.

- There's people all around here.
- There are doors.

Yeah, but the people out there know,

I mean, that the couple is in here,
and the couple in here,

I mean, they know
that the people out there know.

- Lieutenant, we're talking about therapy.
- Everybody knows?

Does that disturb you?

Oh. Oh, no, ma'am. No, no.
I'm just asking questions, ma'am.

Just part of the investigation.

Those are his things, ma'am.
What we call his effects.

Yes.

After death, things have
a way of turning into effects.

And David turns into a stranger.

Buckets?

I think it's some kind of a bar, ma'am.

I see.

And over here, a cigarette stub.

Is that hers?

That's the assumption
we're working under, ma'am.

A smoker.

- Lieutenant.
- Yes, Sergeant?

A moment, ma'am.

When you went for coffee,
we found these hairs on the victim.

Long black hairs, like a woman's.

We searched the whole area
by the body, nothing yet.

These hairs were on his right shoulder
and near his chest.

Well, we have the hairs, right?
Might tell us something.

Can I take these things yet?

No, Sergeant, not yet. No.

Lieutenant, is there
anything else I should know?

Oh, oh, excuse me, ma'am.
I'm terribly sorry.

We get so wrapped up in these things.
Little details like a woman's cigarette.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
kept you waiting like that.

Ma'am, could you take another look
at those effects?

Certainly.

Are you looking, ma'am?

Yes, Lieutenant, I'm looking.

These are all the things
that were in Mr. Kincaid's pockets.

Do you see anything that's missing?
Something very puzzling?

I don't think I understand.

His keys, ma'am.
There aren't any keys.

If there aren't any keys,

how did the victim unlock the door
to your clinic last night?

How did they get in here?

Yes, of course, his keys.
How very strange.

I suppose the woman
could have taken them.

Yes, that's very good, Lieutenant.

In a moment of panic, to escape,
to steal his car, she took his keys.

But, ma'am, why would she do that?
She just murdered a man.

Why would she take a chance
on being seen driving his car?

I mean, even in panic, I would think,

she'd want to stay as far away
from that car as she could.

Yes, I see.

On the other hand,

maybe she took the keys
not to drive the car,

but to get something out of the car
which could identify her.

Something she bought that day,

a dress from the cleaners,
a prescription. Could be anything.

That's very clever, Lieutenant.
That would explain everything.

But if it didn't, ma'am,
then the lady in black,

she'd be the one
who had the key to your clinic.

But if that was true, you certainly
would have some idea who she might be.

You see why
I'm puzzled by these keys?

Lieutenant, I'm afraid that
I'm not ready to deal with all of this yet.

Would you mind
if I went back to my office?

Oh, of course not, ma'am. I'm sorry
to bother you with all of these questions.

I know what a terrible shock
this has been.

Thank you for trying to shield me.
You've been very kind.

I'm sure you know by now I'm always
here for you. Whatever I can do.

You're very sweet, Walter. Thank you.

This place...

All we ever seem to talk about is
sex and feelings.

It's always with strangers.

We never get to talk
about our own feelings.

Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am.
Is it all right to intrude?

Of course, Lieutenant.
You met Dr. Neff?

Oh, I think I've met everyone
in the clinic. All the sex doctors.

Psychologists, Lieutenant.
Sex therapists.

Joan, believe me, one day
all this pain will just be a memory.

Could I get you some tea, Lieutenant?

Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.

No? All right.

Well, what can I do for you?

I'll just ask you a few more questions,
ma'am, if you can put up with that.

I think I can manage that. From this
moment, Lieutenant, life goes on.

Back straight, chin up
and a smile for the world.

How's that for courage?

Well, that's a very nice smile
you have there, ma'am.

How can I help you?

Mainly, Dr. Allenby,
it's about the victim.

Could you tell me about
your relationship with the victim?

We had great sex.

Okay.

The victim, as you so delicately
put it, was my lover.

Is there a problem with that?

Not necessarily, ma'am, no.

David and I enjoyed making physical love
to each other, and only to each other.

At least, that was
my assumption in the days...

when I was considerably
less skeptical than I am now.

David was also my business partner
in our radio and television work.

Are you familiar with my broadcasts?

Yes, I am.

The things that you say on the radio,
ma'am, they're very frank.

About what?

About sex, ma'am.

Sit down.

David's love made it possible
for me to be frank in public.

The kinds of things I have to talk about,

require a great deal of sexual
confidence and happiness and freedom.

David gave me all those things.

I suppose they're the same things
I try to give my patients.

The freedom to love.

Does that answer your question
about our relationship?

Oh, yes, ma'am.
You've made it very clear.

I think I understand.

I hope so. Lieutenant,
there's still one more thing.

Can you tell me about your
own primary sexual relationships?

I beg your pardon, ma'am?

A policeman just asked me
a very intimate question,

and I gave a very intimate answer.

I think I have a right to know
how that answer will be interpreted,

and that depends on
your intimate sexual relationships.

I'm a married man, ma'am.

Everything all right at home?

I think I'm gonna be leaving now.
Thank you very much.

Don't let me drive you away,
Lieutenant.

Oh. Oh, no, ma'am. No, I...

Not with all the work that I have to do
on this case. I'm gonna be back.

You can count on that.

Now we're gonna learn
more about the tuba.

Is that a tuba?

It's a very delicate instrument,
has a very tiny, tiny, tiny tone.

Sort of like the love song of a canary.

Listen very closely,
or you just won't hear it at all.

- I'm looking for, uh, Miss Hendrix.
- I forgot to tell you,

- it's a two-ton canary.
- There.

Have you ever heard a jazz tuba?

- No. What's a jazz tuba?
- Here's what a jazz tuba sounds like.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo, police.

Not now.

Okay, who wants to learn
how to play the tuba here?

- Come on, it's a cinch.
- No.

You, sir. You in the raincoat.

- Me?
- Yeah!

Oh, no, no.

We can't do without you!
Please, please, come on, sir!

I think you're caught.

Give him a hand, kids, come on.

- Are you a musician, sir?
- No, sir. I'm a policeman.

There you are, Mr. Policeman.
There's your tuba. Enjoy yourself.

Go, Mr. Policeman. Play.

Like this, sir?

Have fun.

Hey!

Yes! Bravo!

Ah, you've done this before.

Well, you know,
when I was in high school,

that was the only instrument
they had left.

Same with me.

Come on, kids,
we're gonna have a tuba march.

Everybody stand up
and follow me and the policeman.

We're gonna march off this way.

- You ready?
- I'm gonna try.

All right!

Dr. Allenby.

Well, this certainly is a coincidence.

Here I come to the Music Center,
I'm looking for Mr. Kincaid,

and who do I find but you?

You were looking for David?

For his whereabouts, ma'am,
last night, before the murder.

That's a lovely outfit you're wearing.

Thank you.

This is a hard question, ma'am, and
you certainly don't have to answer it.

But would you mind telling me
what you paid for this handbag?

For my bag?

It doesn't have to be exact,
ma'am. Just a ballpark figure.

Well, this was an expensive bag,
Lieutenant.

I paid about $400 for it.

Right. See, my wife's birthday is
coming up, and I'm in the market.

You were telling me about David.

David? Oh, yes, Mr. Kincaid. Uh...

You wouldn't happen to know
where I could get something that...

looked like that
for about half the money?

No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry, I don't.

And that briefcase, ma'am,

did you get that in the same shop
as you got the handbag?

Yes, I believe I did.

Could I take a look at that?

If you like.

Oh, that's the real McCoy, ma'am.

That's very fine stitching,
'cause you can hardly see the stitches.

I'd like one of those fellas for myself.

Lieutenant, please.
You were telling me about David.

I visited his office, ma'am,
and right there on his desk calendar,

it said that he had a date
to be here last night.

But I spoke to that
committee woman, Miss Hendrix,

and she told me she never saw him.

Yes, well, we had a
fundraising event last night.

I'm on the committee,
so I had to be here,

but it wasn't David's cup of fun.
He said he'd rather hang by his thumbs.

Well, that certainly explains
why he wasn't here, ma'am.

But that raises another question.

Joan! Oh, honey,

Lieutenant Columbo just
told me about David.

What a terrible thing to happen.

Thank you, Helen.

Oh, Lieutenant, we all think
you played the tuba just beautifully.

I enjoyed it, ma'am.

I got your message about
the master guest list. I brought it for you.

Lieutenant, would you mind
holding this for me?

Not at all, ma'am.

I put this in my briefcase
right after you called, Helen.

Of all days, Joan,
you shouldn't have bothered.

Well, it's better than
feeling sorry for myself.

I'll call you.

Last night, ma'am,
you were here at the party?

All evening.

And Mr. Kincaid,
he never showed up?

No, Lieutenant,
he decided not to come.

Well, as I was saying,
that raises the question...

of where Mr. Kincaid met that woman,

the lady all dressed in black
with the black hat.

Oh, she was certainly here.

Excuse me, ma'am?

A very attractive woman dressed in
black with a man's black fedora?

Joan, you must have noticed her.

No, I don't believe I did.

Well, whoever she is,
she was here last night.

Does that help you, Lieutenant?

Well, it gives me
something to think about.

It's certainly very interesting.

Good.

All right, position number one,
and begin.

Very nice. Smile, this is fun.

Beautiful smile. You'll do well.

More wrist, more wrist.
Good, perfect!

Okay, now we're gonna get started.
Now, you people,

you're paying good cash
to learn the bartending game.

What you get out of it,
that's up to you.

Now, I'm a good bartender.

Show up on time, do your lessons,
work your workbooks,

you'll be good bartenders, too.
It's up to you.

Now, one more time, and begin.

Is this the bartending school?

You're late.

Oh, it's been a very busy day, sir.

Get behind the bar.

Right. Uh...
I'm not really a bartender.

Keep coming late, you'll never be
a bartender. I said a green vest.

Where's your green vest?
What is your name?

Columbo. Homicide. Police.

- Oh, you're the one who called.
- Yes, sir.

Right over here.

All right, the rest of you
start on your workbooks.

Lesson one, Shirley Temples.
Get it right.

Sorry about that, Lieutenant.
How can I help you?

It's this photograph, sir.

One of my homicide victims.

He had some of your matches
from that Buckets bar.

They were in his pocket.

Would you recognize
this man at all, sir?

Sure. He was in last night. First-timer.
But the matches don't match.

Excuse me?

I didn't give him the matches. The lady
asked for matches. She smoked.

The one he picked up.

This lady, would I be far wrong
if I said she was a very attractive lady,

all dressed in black,
wearing a man's black hat?

About like that.

I wasn't paying much attention,
so I can't tell you much.

Me, I'm just a bartender.

I don't have what you might call
a trained policeman's eye.

Well, you just tell me
what little you know.

Well, the lady's another first-timer.

Professional working girl.
Called herself Lisa with no last name.

If you believe Lisa's her real name,
you'll believe anything.

Anyway, Lisa with no last name
knew the playbook.

Comes on bold and advertises herself.

Your guy walks in,
she gives him the buzz.

Guy hits. No wasted time.
In two seconds, they are very cozy,

no strains, two bugs in a rug.
You know what I'm saying?

He lays some cash on her,
and out they go about 9:00,

maybe 9:15, as happy as clams.

That is for you, pal.

That's some observation for a man
who wasn't paying attention.

Taste that. Tell me what you think.

Well, that's very generous, sir.

That's very refreshing.

That's my Shirley Temple.

An interesting Shirley Temple.

A touch of dryness, but a light,
sweet bouquet. Very nice.

You're a very good bartender, sir.

But I think you would make
a terrific detective.

I love the work I got, Lieutenant.

So do I, sir.

Forgive me, Doctor,
for dropping in on you like this,

but I have some very interesting news,
very stimulating. May I?

Please, Lieutenant, come in.

I'm anxious to hear anything
you can tell me.

You certainly have a lovely home here.

Thank you.

Oh, I've seen some beautiful homes,
what with the different murders and all,

but not many like this.

And look at that.
A fire in the fireplace.

Well, it's a very chilly night, ma'am,
and there's nothing like a fire.

What's a courtesan, Doctor?

Excuse me?

Isn't that the title of your book?
"The Courtesan Complex"?

Yes.

My wife read it, you know.

- Uh-huh?
- Oh, yes.

She enjoyed it so much,
she insisted I read it.

Did she beat you to its pages
with a stick, Lieutenant?

Well, I'm gonna tell you the truth,
ma'am.

She was most anxious for me
to read the sexual fantasy part.

I haven't yet.

A courtesan, ma'am,
uh, that's a prostitute?

Yes, it's a polite term
for a successful prostitute.

Well, that's another
coincidence, Dr. Allenby,

because what I came to tell you about...

is that we know a whole lot more
about the lady in black now.

Perhaps we should sit down,
Lieutenant.

Oh, no, ma'am, I'm enjoying the fire.

The lady in black,
we have a first name for her now.

She calls herself Lisa.

I'm gonna see about
that briefcase there.

Oh, you've kept this too close
to the fire, ma'am.

This could have been scorched.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.

Uh...

Now, this Lisa, she and Mr. Kincaid...

got together last night at that bar,
that Buckets place.

Now, this is a very bold thing
to say, ma'am,

but Lisa is one of those courtesans.

What the vice boys call a working girl.

You mean David hired a prostitute?

That's the way it looks now.

And from your news about Lisa,

I'd guessed it was something like that.

David picking up some working girl,
a stranger in a bar.

Oh, I don't necessarily
think they were strangers.

The picture I got, from the way
she turned down another man,

before Mr. Kincaid came to the bar,

and then the way they just sat
and talked, very quiet and all.

I had to ask myself if this Lisa,
if she was there waiting for Mr. Kincaid.

And if they already knew each other,

then maybe she already
had a reason to kill him.

Do you think that's possible?

That's what I wanted to ask you.
Do you think that's possible,

from all your research
with these courtesans?

I tell you, Lieutenant,

after today, I don't know
what's possible and what isn't.

I'll tell you, ma'am,
that's about the way I feel.

This case, it's already got me crazy.

Every time I learn something new,

I get a puzzle. New problems.

When Mr. Kincaid told you,

that he wasn't going to the party
at the Music Center,

what time was that, ma'am?

I think... Yes, it was yesterday
when he picked me up at the airport.

So he had plenty of time to make
another arrangement for that evening,

like with this Lisa
at that Buckets place.

That's reasonable,
knowing what we know now.

So what was the lady in black doing
at the Music Center?

It could have been for the music.

Even courtesans can love music,
Lieutenant.

For the music.
That's what I told myself.

But when the concert started,
Lisa was already at Buckets,

so it couldn't have been
for the music.

So what was she doing there?

I'd like to try to help you, Lieutenant.
I'm very tired.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've kept you too long.

Thank you for the nice fire,
and I'll just see myself out.

With my briefcase?

Oh.

Oh, look at that, ma'am.
Well, it certainly is a beauty.

Good night, ma'am.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Thank you for keeping me informed.

Dr. Allenby.

Did I tell you that
we found Mr. Kincaid's keys?

No, you didn't.

Sergeant Burke, he found
Mr. Kincaid's car near Buckets.

It was parked in some
valet parking place.

I see.

So the lady in black,

she couldn't have taken the keys
from the murder scene.

The keys were never there.

The keys were at the valet parker.

So that still leaves
that other problem, ma'am.

How did Mr. Kincaid
unlock the door to your clinic?

You see how everything
keeps dropping out on me?

This case, boy.

I don't know what to tell you.

Try and sleep well.

Just one more thing, ma'am.
Just for my reports, just a detail.

I hope you'll understand.

Yes, I understand.
A detail for your report.

Yes, ma'am.
The night you flew to Chicago,

the security guard's log book,

it said you went back
to the office that night.

My flight was fogged in, Lieutenant.

I didn't actually get out
until the morning.

Oh, you wanna know
why I returned to the clinic.

Well, it's not me, ma'am,
so much as my captain.

He's a regular stickler.

Well, as long as I had the time,
I wanted to pick up a scientific paper.

It was something that
a colleague asked me to look at.

So when you went back,
that was just for a minute?

Just for the paper.

Well, the detail I wanted to ask you.

The middle of the night,
deserted streets...

The security guard,
he said that you came in one cab,

and you left in another.
Why didn't you just ask the cab to wait?

I did, Lieutenant,
but the cab didn't wait,

so I took another cab.

Well, that's it, then.
That explains it.

Good night, ma'am.

The cab left without being paid?

I paid him, Lieutenant.
That's how I got him to wait.

But when I came out,

- he was gone.
- He was gone.

Well, they're impatient, ma'am.

Good night again.

You better watch yourself, lady.

You can handle the lieutenant.

He's fired his best shots.

You should have burned
Lisa's clothes.

We will.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Sergeant Burke!
I need you, Sergeant.

Yes, Lieutenant?

Oh, there you are.
You got the list?

Yes, I have it here, Lieutenant.

The master guest list?

Right here, sir.

I'll tell you what I want, Sergeant.

Excuse me?

What I want you to do, Sergeant.

Yes, Lieutenant.

Get all the help you can.
Talk to that lady, Miss Hendrix.

I want to know anyone that ever had
any contact with the lady in black.

Anyone that knew her,
anyone that talked with her,

anyone that ever had anything
to do with the woman in black.

The master list, right?

- Right.
- Right.

How you doing, fellas?

All right, let's leave it at this.

Bill and Joanne
have been trying too hard,

and Lloyd and Cynthia gave up
trying sex altogether,

which is against the rules,
possibly against the law.

So, let's all be very sensible
and try to decide what exactly...

Dr. Allenby, can I see you?

- Excuse me.
- I'm afraid I'm busy, Lieutenant.

Right.

So we want to decide...

Would it be all right
if I joined you, ma'am?

Absolutely not.

I understand.

Enjoying the mirror, Lieutenant?

It's a fantastic bed.

Fantastic.

Half the fun of sex is fantasy.

Oh, I know that, ma'am.
I've been reading your book.

Well, now,
I'm proud of you, Lieutenant.

You wanted to see me?

What it is, ma'am,
it's the lady in black.

And it's very baffling,
the way she keeps changing.

The gun dealer said...

Oh, did I tell you
that we found the gun?

No, no. That must be important.

Found the gun, ma'am,
in a mailbox down the block.

No fingerprints, but purchased
on the day of the murder.

Now, that's important.

But I want you to read
something important. Um...

Oh, goodness.
That's a parking ticket.

Oh, that's not it.

Keep forgetting that.

Here... Here we are, ma'am.

Uh...

"Gun dealer said she gave
name, Lisa Prescott."

"Boys at vice never heard of
Lisa Prescott."

"Address, turned out no such..."

Here. "Nervous."

The gun dealer said
she was very nervous.

Nervous?

Nervous, ma'am.

Yes, well, I suppose
that's a kind of a description.

Oh, we got descriptions, ma'am.
We've got plenty of descriptions.

The night security guard,
he said that she was shy,

and the bartender at Buckets,

he said that
she was bold and confident.

So what we're looking for, ma'am,

is a shy, bold, nervous,
confident lady in black.

I see your problem, Lieutenant,
and I don't envy you.

Oh, and it gets worse, ma'am.

Do you remember the cigarette,
the one with the lipstick?

Yes. There in the ashtray.

Yes, ma'am.

The lab boys, they ran a new test
on the saliva from the cigarette.

Just from the saliva,
they can tell you all about a person.

And from their report,
whoever smoked that cigarette,

she had a completely
different blood type,

than the blood from these spots here.

But the blood spots,

that's a whole different type blood
than the victim's blood.

That means three people in the room.

Do you think there could have been...

two women with Mr. Kincaid
on the night of the murder?

Two women, Lieutenant?
I... I don't know what to say.

And then we have to consider this.

Those two long black hairs
that we found on the victim,

very feminine, ma'am.

The lab boys think
maybe an Asian woman.

And it turns out that the blood type
from these two hairs,

that's a whole new
different type blood.

Would that mean there were
three women with Mr. Kincaid?

You mean a sex orgy, Lieutenant?

I suppose with a man like David,
everything I'm learning about him,

yes, I suppose
that's completely possible.

Right.

But that brings us back again
to that security guard.

He said only one woman
came up here.

Do you think
they could have come from...

other offices in the same building?

No, ma'am, the security guard,

he checked out everybody
from the building.

I don't know what to think, Lieutenant.
You've got my head spinning.

Well, but when you get
right down to it, ma'am,

only one woman came in,
and only one woman went out.

And whatever all this means,
we have to look for the lady in black.

And when we find her, I promise you,
you're gonna be the first to know.

Good day.

Oh, Lieutenant?

Dr. Ward.
Do you have a minute for me?

Of course, sir.

We can talk in here.

I have something to confess.

Sex is my whole life, Lieutenant.

Oh, my goodness.

My life.

My therapy.

My work.

My frigid women, my prostitutes,
my premature men.

It's a very full life, sir.

Odd sexual events.

What do you think of this?

A red ribbon, sir?

A red hair ribbon, Lieutenant.

Like Cindy Galt wears,
Dr. Allenby's assistant.

Is that an odd event, sir?

It's a sexual event.

I found this the other morning
in our bedroom therapy facility.

No patients had been scheduled,
but the bed had been used.

See, that's the kind of behavior
we've have around here.

And I put that down
to David Kincaid's influence.

You do, sir?

I didn't like David Kincaid,

and I loathed his influence
on Dr. Allenby.

His cheap crusade to turn sex into
something trivial and popular.

Yeah, right.
Popular sex, that's something...

We certainly gotta watch out for that.

You were saying something
about a confession?

Right. I confess that I despised David,

but I want you to know that I didn't have
anything to do with his murder.

I'm glad you told me, sir,

so I don't get you all confused
with the lady in black.

This has been very interesting.

Oh, Lieutenant, one more thing.

Do you think
this is the right time for me...

to advise Dr. Allenby
that she's well rid of David?

You're asking me, sir?

Well, you seem very wise.

Well, Dr. Ward,

if I were you,
I'd try to do the right thing.

Yes. Of course.

That's very good, Lieutenant.
Thank you.

I'll see you later.

Oh, Lieutenant Columbo?
Dr. Neff. Do you have a minute?

Anytime, sir.

Lieutenant, I know you've heard
all the rumors running around this place.

I mean, about Dr. Ward getting nowhere
with his crush on Cindy Galt.

And Cindy ducking out
for cocktails with David Kincaid.

And you must have heard about
how I feel about Dr. Allenby.

No, I don't seem to have that here.

I've been crazy about her
ever since I joined the clinic.

And I was deeply jealous of David,

but I had nothing whatsoever
to do with his murder.

I want you to know that.

Right.

No connection with the murder.

Lieutenant,

with all your experience
out there in the world,

and in view of what's happened,

how long would you
advise me to wait,

before telling Joan
I'm in love with her?

If I were you, sir,

I would wait until the lady's ready
and not a moment longer.

Of course.

I should have been able to
figure that out for myself.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Oh, Lieutenant,
do you have a moment for me?

Even though I am going back for
my master's in psychiatric social work,

I... I love working for Dr. Allenby. And...

David Kincaid, he was...

like, coming on to me.
I mean, in a very nice way.

I mean, he was always
a perfect gentleman,

and, of course, I would never,
never do anything to hurt Joan, so...

there's my problem.

You'll have to clarify that for me,
ma'am.

Well, after what happened,

if I'm going to be loyal to Joan,

should I ever tell her
about David's crush on me?

In my opinion, and not speaking
strictly as a detective,

sometimes kindness
is wiser than truth.

Of course.

I think I know exactly what you mean.

I knew I could talk to you.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Got a minute, Lieutenant?

We did it.

Now, just one second, sir,
hold the phone.

Let me get this straight.

The lady in black, she went in there.
She went in that door right there.

She went in,
and she never came out.

And you waited.

Until I asked the attendant
to go see if she was in there.

And she wasn't there.

Nobody was there.

Who came out?

How do I know, Lieutenant?
Ladies went in, ladies came out.

Just ordinary ladies?

Ordinary ladies.

Ordinary ladies.

Did any of these ladies have
a suitcase, a package? Were they...

- carrying a bag, something like that?
- I don't know, Lieutenant.

I wasn't looking for bags or packages.

I was waiting for this
very exotic brunette.

- Miss Hendrix, please, ma'am.
- Yes, Lieutenant.

Thank you very much, Mr. Lenz.
Just check with Sergeant Burke.

Keep him informed
as to your whereabouts.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to go in there.
Would you guard the door, ma'am?

The ladies' room?

- But it's almost intermission, Lieutenant.
- Just one minute, ma'am. One minute.

Oh, but... Well, I... Oh...

Oh, dear.

Lieutenant!

- What was he doing in there?
- I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry.

- You ought to be ashamed.
- I'm very sorry.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- No. I'm sorry.
- You have a lot of nerve!

I'm very sorry. Excuse me.

I'm sorry, forgive me.

Sir?

Excuse me, ma'am, trash?
Where do you dump the trash?

No, no, no, police,
ma'am, police, police.

See? Hey, police. See, police!

Trash... Trash... Where?

See, where do you dump the trash?

No, no, no, no, no! No, the trash!
Where do you put the trash?

No, no, no! Trash!
Where's the trash?

No, no, no, no, no, ma'am.
No cleaning. No, no, no.

No cleaning. See, empty.
No, the trash.

The big trash.

No, no. The trash, ma'am.
See? Trash. Trash!

See, "nyet, nyet, nyet, nyet."

Drop off, pick up, and... "Grande..."

No, no, no, no, no, ma'am, no.

"Grande, grande, trash grande."

That's it! I found it!

You're a very nice lady.

"Do svidaniya," police boy.

Hello.

Who are you?

Well, here you are, Dr. Allenby.

I took the liberty of inviting
Mr. Lenz to your home.

Your housekeeper was
kind enough to let us in.

Mr. Lenz, this is the remarkable lady
I was telling you about.

Yes, thank you very much
for having us, Dr. Allenby.

Mr. Lenz, he would like to sit down
and talk with you, ma'am,

if you don't mind.

My pleasure.

Come along, gentlemen.

Can you give me a hint
about all this, Lieutenant?

Well, I'm back in trouble, ma'am.
This Lisa, this lady in black.

I got 56 vice boys out in the street.
They're looking, they're pumping.

I got another eight doing
nothing but sifting files.

We're chasing courtesans
up and down the scale.

Please make yourselves comfortable.

You know what I got out of all this?

I got depressed.

It's not just nobody knows anything,
nobody even suspects anything.

Now I run into Mr. Lenz here.
He tells me his story.

I don't know what to make of it.
I got all turned around.

I want you to listen to
this man's story.

Mr. Lenz?

Well, I went to the Music Center
the other night...

Could I bring you something to drink?

Ah, Sure. Could you manage
some sparkling mineral water?

I think so. Same for you, Lieutenant?

Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.
I'll just have some seltzer.

I think I can manage that, too.

Mr. Lenz, please, tell me your story.

Well, I can only tell you
what I told Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, that'll be fine, sir.

Well, I met her, you know,
this lady in black with the man's hat.

It was at the Music Center affair.

I understand you were there.

I was. Ice?

Please.

Well, I saw her,

and I have this obligation.

Whenever I see an attractive lady,
I feel like it's my duty to meet her.

So I tried. No encouragement.

So I followed her.

Where?

To the ladies' room.

To the ladies' room?

Turned out to be the waiting room.

I mean, she went inside,
and I waited outside.

You're a romantic, Mr. Lenz.

Yes, I am.
Excellent diagnosis, Doctor.

Anyway, I waited,

and she never came out.

Tell her about the attendant.

At the end of the evening,
I asked the attendant...

to go inside and check it out for me,

and there was nobody there.

Nobody.

The lady vanishes.

Into thin air?

No air at all. She's just gone.

Now, what do you think
about a thing like that, ma'am?

Were you drinking, Mr. Lenz?

Not a drop. Just champagne.

And the lady never came out.

You see what we got here now,
ma'am?

We were talking one lady,
two ladies, three ladies.

Now I got a half a lady,
the half that went in.

The other half, I don't know.

Thanks again, Dr. Allenby.

I'll wait for you, Lieutenant.

Goodbye, Mr. Lenz.
Your story was very amusing.

But I just can't take it seriously,
Lieutenant.

Well, that's what we got, ma'am.

A good detective,
even a medium detective,

he can find somebody who was there
and bring you an answer.

But somebody who wasn't there?
How can I deal with that?

I can't imagine, Lieutenant.

This Lisa, people tell stories,
but there's no trace she ever existed.

Maybe we got this wrong,
the way we're looking at it.

Looking at it all wrong.

Well, I'm working, ma'am.
I'm still out there.

I appreciate everything
you're doing, Lieutenant.

You'll see me again, ma'am.

I'm sure I will.

Drinks are on Lisa!

Lisa buys the drinks!

Take care of my new friends.

And this is for you.

For what?

Just a phone call.

To a man named Columbo.

This is the number,
this is the message.

"Sorry about what happened,"
signed, "Lisa."

And that's it?

Do you think you can do that for me?

All right, here you go.

Thanks.

Dr. Allenby.

Good evening, Dr. Allenby.
It's Sergeant Burke.

Lieutenant Columbo asked me
to tell you he has very good news.

He's found the lady in black.

Dr. Allenby?

Where did you find her?

He said it was right
in your own office files, ma'am.

Your research files.

The Lieutenant said
he wants you to know that.

Good night, Dr. Allenby.

Over here, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Doctor.
I didn't mean to frighten you like that.

I thought I heard voices. I...

Oh, that'd be me, ma'am.

I was talking on the phone
with Sergeant Burke.

He was supposed to ask you to
join me here, and he forgot to say that.

But I'm glad you came anyway.
Why did you come here, ma'am?

Certainly not to be frightened
out of my wits, Lieutenant.

Sergeant Burke called and told me
that you'd found Lisa in one of my files.

I came to see for myself.

Well.

There he goes again, ma'am.

Sergeant Burke,
he's a very fine young detective,

but we all make mistakes
from time to time.

What I asked him to tell you,

it was as if she had been
in your own files all the time.

No, no, I certainly couldn't
find her here, Doctor.

Not even in "odd sexual events."

How did you find her?

Oh, for that, ma'am,
we have to go to the therapy room.

To the therapy room, ma'am.

This Lisa, this lady in black,

I've been getting some very strange
messages from her, ma'am.

Messages?

She's sorry she did what she did.
She had to do what she did,

and now she's leaving town.

But she hasn't left town yet.

And I think she's been trying
to fool us about a lot of things.

For instance, this ashtray.

Would you look at this ashtray?

To a detective,
this is a fascinating ashtray.

I mean, what's in it.

That's exactly what we found
the morning after the murder.

I put everything back
just the way it was.

She was a smoker, ma'am.
The bartender said she was a smoker.

And you see that?
You see that burned match?

Yes, I can see the match, Lieutenant.

And the cigarette stub,
and only a few ashes?

Do you see how puzzling that is?

No. I see a burned match
and half a cigarette.

- And a few ashes.
- And a few ashes.

But not enough to account for
a whole cigarette, ma'am.

A whole cigarette, ma'am,

that produces this amount of ash.

You know what that weighs?
I weighed that, ma'am.

That's 500 milligrams.

And the ashes in the tray,
that's 48 milligrams.

All right, make it 50.

We're still missing 450 milligrams,
ma'am.

That's very scientific, Lieutenant.

But she might have smoked
the cigarette someplace else.

But here's the match, ma'am.

Like she lit and smoked it
right here in this room.

And there's no ashes on the table,
and there's no ashes under the table,

and there's not enough ashes
in the ashtray.

You'll forgive me, Lieutenant,
if I'm not quite as fascinated...

by this as you are.

Well, ma'am, even ashes,
they don't just fly away and vanish.

The hair and fiber boys, I had them
vacuum this whole room.

No cigarette ashes.

And what do you detect, Lieutenant,
from the infamous missing ashes?

Oh, yes, you said that
Lisa was trying to fool us.

Like she was setting a scene,
ma'am, yes.

Like this whole room,

like it was some kind of a stage,

making us think she was
something she isn't.

Is that a possibility?

Lieutenant, you still haven't told me
how you found her.

Well, I've only received messages
from her, ma'am. I haven't seen her yet.

With your permission, Doctor.

And now we have to consider
the victim's keys.

His missing keys.

No matter how you look at it,
it always comes out the same.

If Mr. Kincaid didn't have
the key to open the door,

then the lady in black, she must have
been the one with the key.

So now we have to face that as a fact.

And I know you're thinking
the same thing I am.

Lisa, she had to be someone
connected with your own clinic.

That's totally ludicrous, Lieutenant.

Unless Lisa could have
been the cleaning lady.

Do you think that's a possibility?

I doubt it, ma'am.

Is that your phone?
That could be important.

I'll see.

Ma'am, the lady in black,
she might be coming here tonight.

Did I tell you
she might be coming here?

No.

The phone. That may be her.

Hello?

Dr. Allenby?

Yes.

This is Sergeant Burke. I wonder if
I could talk to the lieutenant.

- It's Sergeant Burke.
- Thank you.

Yes, Sergeant?

Right.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Well, ma'am, they think
she's somewhere in the building.

Doctor,

are you familiar with a Chicago
department store named Neufeld's?

Yes. Why do you ask?

Because I happen to know
that's where you bought...

that camel's hair coat you're wearing.

Well, if you knew that, why did you ask
if I was familiar with the store?

To see if you'd tell me
the truth, ma'am.

Are you aware, Lieutenant,
how insulting that is?

I am, ma'am,
and I regret having to say it.

But now we both have to consider this.

Would you take a look at that, ma'am?

I would say that's the tag
off your new coat,

the one you bought in Chicago.

And that first day, ma'am,
riding up in the elevator,

I thought you looked very nice.

And that tag, that was dangling
from the hem of your coat.

I wasn't aware of the tag.

No, ma'am, and I thought
that was very endearing.

The department store people,

they told me you charged that coat
to your credit card.

I did, as a matter of fact.
Is that significant?

Well, it brings us
to another question, ma'am.

Would you grant me that sometimes
a person would prefer to pay cash,

rather than charge something and
have a written record of this purchase?

Would you grant me that, ma'am?

I suppose that, uh,

there could be reasons.

That's a fax copy of
the check you gave, ma'am,

in your Chicago hotel.

$1,500, payable to cash.

You seem to have been
very attentive to my affairs.

What did you do
with the money, ma'am?

I think I've had about
enough of your questions, Lieutenant.

How I spend my money
is none of your business.

I'll leave you to find
the woman in black.

You seem to have lost her.

Was that the elevator, ma'am?

Not yet.

If you don't mind, ma'am,
one more thing before you go.

The therapy room.

I think she may already be here,
ma'am. In there.

Do you think she's already been here?

Well, maybe you saw her yourself,

or somebody very much like her
out in the foyer?

One of our policewomen, ma'am.

Only you didn't say
a word about that to me,

because you knew Lisa,
she couldn't be out there,

because she's been here
with me all along.

Would you agree with me
about that, Dr. Allenby?

You seem to have gone to
a great deal of trouble, Lieutenant.

I think I can say the same thing
about you, ma'am.

That's her hat, bought with cash,
and her wig.

The wig saleslady
from the Chicago store,

she said you already had the hat
when you tried on the wig.

Did I mention that
she recognized your photo...

from the picture we sent her
from your book?

No.

No, that must have slipped your mind.

The saleslady in women's suits,

she only sold two black suits that day,
and only one,

in the size of the lady
who bought the wig.

They sent us all these things, Doctor.

Like the things
you hid in the Music Center,

to play your courtesan game
with Mr. Kincaid.

Was that because of
Cindy Galt, ma'am?

You're very intuitive, Lieutenant.

You would have made a
splendid therapist.

There's a lovely fire here, ma'am.

Why don't we share the fire?

I think the night you came back
from the airport,

you found Mr. Kincaid
right here in this room,

making love to Cindy Galt.

Is that why you killed him?

That night,

the two of them in bed together,
I heard him laughing at me.

I was his joke.

That must have been very hard,
ma'am.

There isn't a woman
in the world, Lieutenant,

who wouldn't have fantasized,
in my circumstances,

about doing what I did.

Make him pay...

for the anguish and the humiliation,

and all the loneliness to come.

But I went beyond the fantasy,
and I wasn't even frightened.

Do you want to hear, Lieutenant,
what did frighten me?

If you'd like to tell me, ma'am.

Becoming somebody else.

Becoming Lisa.

After all my research, all my books,

I hadn't truly understood
what it was to sink into a fantasy.

Being someone stronger,

more desirable,
more willful and exciting.

Someone that David would
never have dared betray.

For those few days,

I liked Lisa better than
I liked myself.

That frightened me,

far more than
your waiting to arrest me.

Now that I've confessed all this,
I want to know.

Do you think less of me?

I'm only a policeman.

Judging people, that's all
up to somebody else.

But I can tell you,
I've enjoyed our talks very much,

and I think I do understand.

Ma'am.