All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S05E09.Four.Minutes.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

The Constitution only recognizes

that all people when
they are illegal are immoral.

And then they get busted

and they're indecent,
and that's where it's at.

Now, the last four years I spent
in and out of the courts.

And I figured out,

after four years, uh,
why I got arrested

so many times.

Dig what happened. Uh...

I do my act at, oh, perhaps,

Eleven o'clock at night.

Little do I know that
11:00 a.m. the next morning,

before the grand jury somewhere,

there's another guy doing my act

who's introduced
as Lenny Bruce... in substance.

"Here he is, Lenny Bruce.
In substance."

A peace officer,
who is trained for,

to recognize
clear and present danger,

not make believe, does the act.

The grand jury watches him work,
and they go, "That stinks."

But I get busted.

And the irony is
that I have to go to court

to defend his act.

I want to show you this, here.

Again?

Uh, "Criminal Court,
City of New York,

Part 2B,
County of New York."

Uh, "The honorable judges and"
blah, blah, blah.

"...attorney."

"By the information
filed on April 3, 1964,

the defendants Lenny Bruce and
Harold L. Solomon were charged

in two separate counts,
giving an indecent performance

in violation of Section 1148
of the penal law of New York."

All right,
now that's the grand jury.

That was the first bust.

Uh...

"During the first performance,
Bruce fondles the microphone

in a masturbatory fashion.

Second performance, while
telling an act of exposure,

Bruce then turned his back
toward the audience

and moved his hand outward
and upward, below his waist,

in an obvious
and crude pantomime

of an act of exposure
and masturbation."

Okay, so I said,
"Make sure to tell him

it's gestures of benediction,
not masturbation."

Because, like, I would never
make gestures of masturbation.

Because I like, like,
I'm-I'm concerned with, uh...

with, uh, my-my image and I know

you know, what offends chicks.

Uh, what's ugly to them,
uh, what frightens them.

So I said, "Tell him it's
gestures of benediction."

Okay.

Uh...

Ah, "Three...

Saint Paul giving up fucking."

Okay, what I said there was...

Uh, that's
how the bit is reported.

But I said that, uh...

Oh, I forget, it's been
so long since I did that bit.

Uh...

I said that, uh...

I said, uh, how the hell
did I do that bit? I said...

Now I see, I...

I forget the bit, I...
No, it's weird

'cause I didn't know
that was a bit that they...

that they put in there
and, uh...

I forget where it,
where it started.

I think I was talking about
the how the Jews lost...

Ah.

- Hey, do you want to see my dance?
- No!

Yeah, I'll do my dance
for you, uh...

Here, this is the first time
that I've ever danced

in front of an audience.

This is my, uh,
my American folk dance.

Uh...

Hello.

Hello. Dirty Lenny's in here.

Dirty Lenny is going on soon.

The pornographer.

Uh, look, I really dug
working with you.

I did, and, uh...
Oh, as Will Rogers once said,

"I never met a dyke
I didn't like."

And, uh, and goodnight.

♪ When your mother ♪

♪ Sends back
all your invitations ♪

♪ And your father
to your sister...

Lenny Bruce.

- Yeah?
- You remember me?

Susie Myerson.

The chopped liver yenta
from Allerton Avenue?

No. I'm a manager.
I'm Midge Maisel's manager.

Didn't you used to be a man?

No, I did not.

Hey, who's holding?

You're doing some, uh,
interesting stuff up there.

Yeah, did you see my dance?

Hey, if you see Slim,

tell him I'm here and he needs
to get a fucking watch.

- The show's been over for hours.
- You got it, Lenny.

Hey, Lenny,
you want to get out of here?

Go somewhere to talk?

Shit.

I remember you now.

Gaslight?

Yes. Gaslight. Long time ago.

I'm a manager now.

- Of the Gaslight?
- No.

I'm a talent manager.

I'm Midge Maisel's manager.

I'm Dick Gregory's manager.
I'm Phyllis Diller's manager.

I'm Eartha Kitt's manager.
I'm a lot of people's manager.

Listen, let's just go get
some food, huh? Some coffee.

No, I'm not hungry.

Then let's just get you
back on your feet.

- How about that?
- Back on my feet?

What I saw out there tonight
was a fucking disgrace.

Nobody wants to see you babble
on about bullshit, man.

They want you to be funny.

You forget
how to tell a joke or make

an observation without a fucking
case number attached to it?

I'm an observational cat, dig?

I observe and then I report.
That's all I can do.

- You can do more than that.
- Like sing?

Like club dates.

- Oh, man, come on.
- What come on?

The fuck are you
talking about, club dates?

There are no more club dates.

This, tonight, was a fluke.

They thought
they booked Bruce Lee.

Are you trying to stand up?

I don't know what the fuck
I'm trying to do.

Club dates.

Yes, I'm trying to stand up.

I can't step foot in any club
east of the Grand Canyon.

I've been pushed so far west,
I got nothing left but Catalina.

Next week I'm working
on the back of a dolphin.

Jonah and the Whale
for a pack of marlin

- and a school of sardines.
- I can change that.

Yeah? How?

I have connections.
People owe me favors.

You're gonna use
your favors up on me?

Why?

Because you are Lenny Bruce.

There's only ever gonna be
one of you.

Let's get him back.

Lenny?

Slim's here.

Keep those favors.

Use them for someone worthy.

Congratulations
on repping Dick Capri.

He's a good comic.

Hey, Susie?

Is Midge here?

No. Just me.

Oh.

♪ Won't you come see me ♪♪

♪ You can forget
all your troubles ♪

♪ Forget all your cares ♪

♪ So go downtown ♪

♪ Things will be great...

- Well?
- No.

♪ No finer place for sure...

You tell him you talked
to Albert Grossman?

He's a mess, Miriam.

♪ For you...

- You want to go in and...
- No.

No.

Look, I'm gonna be
in L.A. next month.

If he's around,
I will try again.

♪ Downtown...

Come on, let's go get drunk.

♪ Where they never close ♪

♪ Downtown...

♪ To the rhythm
of a gentle bossa nova ♪

♪ You'll be dancing with 'em,
too, before the night is over...

♪ I happen to like ♪

♪ New York ♪

♪ I happen to like this town ♪

♪ I like the city air,
I like to drink of it ♪

♪ The more I know New York,
the more I think of it ♪

♪ I like the sight and the sound
and even the stink of it ♪

♪ I happen...

Hey. Buddy, wake up.

Come on, sleep it off at home.

Okay, move it. Hey!

Stop it!

- You stop it!
- Hey. Hey!

Listen! Ow!
You're not listening to me.

Ow!

♪ I suppose it's because
they all agree with me...

And you're releasing her?

She plays poker with the chief.

Well, I feel very safe.

- Just sign here.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Thanks.
- Hello, there.

Thanks for coming.

Got everything?

All you need is
your health, right?

Let's go.

♪ I happen to like New York ♪

♪ I happen to love ♪

♪ New York ♪♪

♪ If you won't take
my best advice ♪

♪ I'm not nice ♪

♪ If you don't say
that I'm okay ♪

♪ That isn't any way to be...

- Here.
- Thanks.

You need anything else?

Want to tell me
what's going on?

Okay.

Oh!

Hey! Shoot.

Sorry.

I asked her to get
you on the show.

What?

Hedy. I asked her,

as a favor to me,
to get you on the show.

Oh.

Thank you.

I don't know if she'll do it,
but I asked.

I mean, she owes me,
so she should.

Maybe she'll feel guilty
about everything.

People feel guilty sometimes.

Even if they don't show it,
right?

Sure. Sometimes.

Look, I know you never want
to talk about anything personal.

That's right. I don't.

But you are so upset.

Well, I was incarcerated,
Miriam, hmm?

That changes a person.

I mean, you go on
with your life.

You file shit away, you don't
expect you ever have to deal

with it again,
and then there they are.

You know, walking
right back into your life,

uninvited, just standing there.

They don't even have the decency

to get fat or unattractive
or stupid or dull.

And now they're blonde.
Fucking blonde!

You were...

...involved?

I was on a scholarship
at Pembroke.

I had to work
in the dining room, bus tables.

Every day, this rich girl
and her friends would come in.

They always sat in my section.

And she'd wave me over,
wanting sugar cubes.

Okay, now there were fucking
sugar cubes already there,

right in front of her,
it didn't matter.

She'd call me over
asking about sugar cubes.

Every goddamned day.

Well, finally, I had it.

Told her to fuck off.

Wasn't there to be her
dinner theater entertainment.

And she looks at me
and she says,

"But I just wanted
to talk to you."

That was it.

Eight fucking words
that cursed my life.

So, just to be super clear,
you two were... together.

Meaning what did she see in me?

No, of course not.

I know exactly
what she saw in you.

It was an unnatural pairing,
okay? I know that.

It was just dumb.

We looked ridiculous together.

I had one warm hat.

Furry, ear flaps.

When I wore it,
I looked like her dog.

Like she was taking me out
for a fucking walk.

I know that's not true.

We fought all the time.

I hated her friends.
She hated going to clubs.

I never met her family.
She never met my family.

She chewed weird.

- Hmm.
- I always caught her drawing me

when I wasn't looking.

She would spend hours
doing her hair.

Boring me stiff
talking about art, but...

You know, she was also smart...

and funny.

I actually believed her

when she said after college,
we'd move to Egypt

and rent out camels
to rich tourists.

We were gonna adopt four of
the ugliest kids in the world,

raise them to be
really snobby, arrogant fucks.

Just confuse the shit
out of everyone.

Junior year,

her mother took her to Paris.

And she came back engaged.

I mean, she didn't marry him,
but that was it.

So I dropped out,
moved to New York.

Burned that fucking hat.

Oh, Susie. I am so sorry.

I didn't know.
I never would've asked you

to go to her if I had, never.

No. I'm your manager.

You were right. Had to be done.

Is that the only time
you've been in love?

I didn't say love.

Okay.

But yes.

And the last.

I think
you'll fall in love again.

Uh-huh. I'm sure it will have
the same disastrous outcome.

Why would you say that?

Were you ever a blonde?

I was.

College. For a bit.

Yeah.

I figured.

Rose, I think we've been had.

Neither of those children
are sick.

What are you talking about?

I just overheard them
laughing at us

for falling for their scam.

Calling us nitwits
and dodo birds.

I felt Ethan's head.
He was burning up.

Apparently, he stuck his head
under the hot water faucet

- for ten full minutes.
- What?

It was Esther's idea. She
orchestrated the whole thing.

Well, that's terrible.
They should be punished.

I agree. I'm going to the Voice.

Aren't you going to punish them?

I have an editorial meeting.

You're not suggesting
that I punish them?

You know, keep it minimal.
They're young.

But they did call us nitwits.

Oh, good,
their mother can do it.

- Do what?
- Discipline your children.

- For what?
- They feigned illness and called us names.

- To your face? Bold.
- Ah-ha-ha!

Now they're rubbing
our noses in it.

You also have to tell
those people at your work

that this is a home,
not an answering service.

I don't know
what you're talking about, Mama.

They have been calling
all morning.

Six times, to be exact.

I told Alvin I'd be back
this afternoon.

- He knew that.
- And by the way,

they say that children who lie
become violent criminals.

- I have to change, Mama.
- Does this not concern you?

- Not particularly.
- Hmm. I thought, as their mother,

you might want
to do something about it.

- Like what?
- How should I know?

And there you have it.
I learned from the best.

- Alvin?
- Yes?

I will have you know that I am
here on time every single day.

- Well...
- On time enough every single day.

I do not call in sick.

I do not come in hungover.

- Why is she looking at me?
- I stay for every show.

I go to every event.

I get you the fresh peanuts
at Toots Shor.

I make sure you boys eat,

that the creamer was
sold in this century.

I cover for you when you are
with your bookie, so...

if I need a couple of hours
one afternoon to deal with

a personal matter, you should
accept that without calling

constantly like Adam's wife.

I have two children.
I have elderly parents.

I have responsibilities that
sometimes require my attention.

Is something wrong
with your children?

No, besides becoming sociopaths,

my children are fine.
That's not the point.

Something happen
to your parents?

My parents are fine. I'm just
saying you are not taking into

account that I have children
or extremely old parents.

- Did you go shopping?
- Why, Mel?

Because I'm a woman?
And all women do is shop?

No, because you're
in a different outfit

from this morning
and it has the tag on it.

Okay. Yes.

This is a new dress.
But I did not go shopping.

And I did not call you.

Oh. Well, who did?

Midge, I've been calling you.

Gordon wants to see you.

Oh.

Sure.

Did she say her children
were sociopaths?

Uh-huh.

Gordon? I got Midge.

Give us a minute, Mike?

Uh... sure.

What happened with Paar?

- What?
- He book you?

- Nope.
- Was he there?

Yep.

- So he saw you.
- He did.

- You didn't wow him?
- I was great.

So I guess this "you'll see"
that you threw

in my face is gonna
have to wait a while.

That's okay.

I'm patient.

Patient?

Mm, funny.

Is that why you
called out your hounds?

What hounds?

Yeah. Sure.

Okay.

You win, you're on the show.

The show? This show?

That's the one.

Wow.

Really?

Well... wow.

- Tonight.
- Tonight?

You're on the show tonight.

Oh. Uh...

- Problem?
- No.

- No problem.
- Not convenient?

- I didn't say that.
- Want to check with

- your girl, have her get back to my girl?
- No.

I can just put
the whole show on hiatus

till you decide
what works for you.

Tonight is great.
Best night ever.

- Love tonight. I'm sure.
- You sure?

- I'm thrilled.
- I can tell.

Does it bother you
that I'm thrilled?

I'm thrilled you're thrilled.

Okay, well, I guess that's it.

Gordon.

Yeah?

- See you tonight.
- See you tonight.

You want the door closed?

I do, otherwise when I hurl
this glass at it,

it will fly out into the bullpen
and hit someone on the head.

- Lawsuits.
- Sure.

Yeah, you got to think
about these things.

That's why you're the boss.

Yes, the boss. That is me.

- It's too obscure.
- No, it's not, if I ask my mother...

Alvin. I have to go home.

- You just got here.
- I know. I have to change.

- You just changed.
- We saw the tag.

- I need a different outfit.
- Why?

I am gonna be
on the show tonight.

- What?
- How? - What happened to the rule?

- Did they change the rule?
- Alvin! - That's bullshit, Alvin!

- What the fuck?
- What the ever-loving fuck?

Whoa, boys, stop being
so happy for me, seriously.

I might cry.
I'm going on the show tonight.

And I'm in work clothes.
I need show clothes.

- Very different clothes.
- How?

I could explain it to you,
but there will be terms

like "side darts"
and "ruching" bandied about.

Go. Please.

I wouldn't have to change
if I got on the show.

- Yank it!
- I'm yanking it.

It's not moving.

- Try a jiggle.
- If you jiggle, it will fall.

- It's not moving.
- What we need is a squirrel.

To do what, Maggie?

To go out there
and get the package.

So a trained squirrel?
You're saying we need

a trained squirrel. Am I
understanding this correctly?

- Well, it wouldn't hurt.
- This thing is not moving.

Shit. Do you remember
who the envelope was from?

The messenger just said delivery

for Susie Myerson
and Associates.

Did it ever occur to you
to tell him

to just walk two feet
to the left and actually drop it

at Susie Myerson and Associates?

- No.
- Why not?

Because we have the bucket!

The bucket is fun.

What's scary is
that we are three

of the more intelligent
people in show business.

How do you like my dress?

Why aren't you at work?

- Do you like it?
- Miriam, please.

One ding-dong at a time.

Do you think this is a dress
that says, "I'm gonna be

on The Gordon Ford Show
tonight"?

Sure.

What? Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

- Are you serious?
- I'm Antigone without the laughs.

I can't believe it.
What happened?

Gordon called me
into his office and told me

- I'm on the show. Tonight.
- Geez, short notice.

- He was pissed.
- Why?

- Why do you think?
- She asked him.

- I think she asked him.
- Well, I'll be damned.

- I don't think he liked us going around him.
- Tough shit.

That's what you do
when a big dead moose is lying

in the middle of the road.
You roll the fuck over him,

hack him up and make a stew.

- I'm gonna be on the show!
- You are gonna be on the show.

- I'm gonna be on the show.
- You're gonna be on the show!

Okay, I have to find my mother.

She is not gonna
avoid it this time.

She's gonna come
to the studio and she's gonna

sit there and take it.

♪ That's entertainment ♪♪

- Dinah, what line can I use?
- Line two.

- I'm in your office.
- Okay. You!

Get out that Rolodex you've got
and call everyone we know

or don't know and tell them
to watch the show tonight.

You? You find us that squirrel.

On it.

- Stay focused.
- Focused. Yes.

We're here for 12 uniforms
for the supper club.

Only 12. And only the exact
uniforms we agreed on last week.

- I brought the picture.
- Never say yes immediately.

They will try
and lay their crap inventory

off on us just like last time.

I know. I'm still sorry
I fell for it.

I don't know what I thought
we were gonna do

with all those hoop skirts.

My mother's a born hustler.

Just don't leave me alone
with her again.

I've located the uniforms.

They were hidden in the back,
of course.

You'd think they'd come up
with some new tricks by now.

But there's something else
going on here.

There are men cataloguing
everything in the place.

What? What for?

I don't know.
But I'm gonna find out.

Ma? Pop? I'm here.

Hold on, Joely.

Yeah, we're coming!

You know, it's not too late
to go to Macy's.

- Oh, my God.
- Don't fall for it.

But they have canes.

Anybody can get a cane.

Hello, Joel.

Just kiss me from there, Joely.
I'm fragile.

- What happened here?
- It's a long story.

I got time.

Okay. Well...

Manny's in Florida
visiting his sister.

So Moishe's
been getting up early every day

- to open the factory.
- Anyhow, I'm up,

I'm in the shower,
I drop the soap.

Bent over to pick it up,
and suddenly...

- Whoa!
- Bam, I'm down.

- Pop, Jesus.
- I'm down hard.

- So I call out for Shirley.
- Shirley!

- I'm in bed, dead asleep.
- A corpse.

Suddenly, I hear Moishe
calling out my name.

Now, it's dark.

It's cold. I have nothing on.

- Not a stitch.
- Ma, please.

So I grab
the first thing I can find

- and I ran in.
- Moishe!

But when he fell,
he splashed water

- all over the bathroom floor.
- Ow!

I'm down like a rock.

And that rock
fell right on top of me.

I thought
I broke everything.

My coat was soaking wet.

It was like having a wet yak
laying all over you.

The cleaning lady
wasn't coming till later

- that morning.
- We just lay there.

And talked.

Just talked
about everything.

What else can you do in a
situation like that besides die?

We haven't talked
like that in years.

And for the first time,
I really listened.

And I listened, too.

It was
a terrific moment.

I love you so much!

Anyhow, your mother convinced me
I was being silly.

There's more to life
than this factory.

And since I'm not
keeping it going for you...

Moishe's gonna retire.

What? Really?

Selling the business.

- Everything goes.
- Just like that?

Sometimes it takes
falling in the shower

for everything
to become very clear.

Life is precious.

And it's not all about you.

You have to think about
the other people in your life.

What about the workers?

Fuck 'em.

Anyhow, the headline is
I'm retiring.

As soon
as we can walk again,

we are selling the house
and getting a condo in Boca.

Well, I'm stunned.

But happy?

- If you're happy, I'm happy.
- Mr. Maisel!

Excuse me, Mr. Maisel,
there's a phone call for you.

Me?

Okay.

I'll be right back.

Okay, Arch, Arch, come here.
Come here.

Let's talk about those uniforms.

Now, I know...

Hello?

Hey. Sorry to bug you.

No. Please, distract me.

I'm gonna be
on The Gordon Ford Show tonight.

What?

Midge, this is incredible.

I know.

Can't believe it.

I'm almost afraid
to keep saying it out loud.

It might go away.

No. No, it won't go away.

This is big.

It's the break
I've been waiting for.

Are you ready?

I'd better be, right?

Listen,
if you need to talk about me,

us, whatever, go ahead.

- I don't mind.
- Oh.

- Joel...
- I mean it.

I'd love to be able to
still live in New York tomorrow,

but if not, so be it.

Have I ever told you
that you are amazing?

You have.

A lot.

More than I deserve.

Hey.

You want to come down
to the studio?

Watch me trash you
on national television?

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'd like you there.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

8:30.

I'll leave the tickets
under "The one that got away."

You break a leg.

Bye, Joel.

Okay.

I'm heading to the studio.

Hold on. I'm going with you.

Can you hold, please?
Midge. Elbow.

What? Shit.

- Shit.
- What is it?

Shit. It's shit.

- Pigeon shit.
- What?

Fuck. Did you lean on the sill?

You never lean on the sill,
Miriam.

The sill belongs to the pigeons.

I have to change again.

Into what? One of my suits?

Well, I can't go on like this.

Wait, can we stop by Bergdorf's?

You are not going shopping.

No one has that kind of time.

They'd have to postpone
the show by a week.

I have a couple dresses
on hold there.

One of them could work.

I'll get them.
You get to the studio.

- Really?
- Go, go, go!

Why do you let pigeons
shit all over your sill?

Because they're pigeons.

Their world is small, Miriam.

Give them something.

"The best advice
I have for girls

who want
to have babies someday is

live with your parents
so they can raise them."

- Maybe.
- Mm.

"My kids aren't babies anymore,
which is sad for a mother.

Now I have to hear their
opinions on the stupid outfits

I..." Too orange. "The stupid
outfits I put on them."

No.

"My son thinks I'm funny.

My daughter thinks
she's adopted." Too dark.

- The joke?
- The liner.

You sure
you wouldn't like to do it?

Please. You're the professional.

"A lot of people ask me why I go
out and perform comedy at night

when I have two young kids
at home." No.

"And I tell them, 'Because
they're bad laughers.'" No.

Yeah, I'm wondering if I
should mention the kids at all.

Mm, kids are relatable. Those
little fuckers are everywhere.

I know, but will people hate
a mother making jokes

- about her children?
- No. Why?

Because a mother's supposed
to love her children

and be soft and caring
and bullshit,

- bullshit, bull... Just let me.
- Yep.

Got 'em. I had them reinforce
all the hooks and buttons

so there's no surprises
on national television.

Plus, I didn't know what
your stocking situation was,

so I got you
a couple extra pairs.

Dinah, will you marry me?

I am not marrying a comedian.

Fair enough.
How much do I owe you?

Nothing.

You are not paying for this.

I am not paying for this.

- I am not paying for this.
- No one is paying for this.

I told them you'd be wearing
one of these fine dresses

on The Gordon Ford Show tonight,

so as long
as you mention Bergdorf's,

it's all free.

Dinah, are you sure
you won't marry me?

Let's get back to the set order, please.

Time's a-tickin'.

I think I should pull back
on the kid stuff.

Okay, but you know if you do,
the minute you open your mouth,

the first thing that comes out
will be "I hate kids.

You can all suck my dick."

I don't think
that'll be the first thing

- that comes out of my mouth.
- Midge!

Success!

Excellent.

He's on Millie's line.

- This one right here.
- Here.

- Hi.
- My God, you people are hard to find.

What are you talking about?

I've been looking for you.

- I'm at work.
- I know that now.

Well, then, mystery solved.
Goodbye, Miriam.

I-I've been trying
to get ahold of Mama,

but she's been on the phone
for four hours

and she wasn't home
when I was there earlier.

Why were you home earlier?

I went home to change.

- Again?
- Yes.

For the second time today?

Yes. Well, third time,

once Dinah got here
with my dress from Bergdorf's.

I need someone young to listen
in on this and explain it to me.

Listen, I have amazing news.

I am gonna be
on The Gordon Ford Show tonight.

- Doing what?
- Stand-up.

You're a guest?

- I am a guest.
- Well, I'll be.

I've been trying
to get ahold of Mama

because I have two tickets for
you guys to come down and watch.

We go live tonight at 9:00,

so you have to be
in your seat at 8:30.

8:30. Okay.

- We'll be there.
- Great.

I have to go. I'm...

sitting here in the bullpen
in my underwear...

- I don't want to hear anymore.
- But I...

Not a word. See you tonight.

Uh, wait! Miriam.

Yes?

This is...

really wonderful.

Thank you, Papa.

Oh. Uh...

Monologue doesn't write itself, boys.

Rose!

Rose!

Uh, no. Stop right there.

I just got everyone placed.

Come on. We have to get going.

- Where?
- I got a call from Miriam.

She is going to be
on The Gordon Ford Show tonight.

She's going to do her act.

Oh. Well, good for her.

We have to be there by 8:30.

So do whatever you have to do
here to leave the house,

because we have to go.

I'm not going.

What do you mean
you're not going?

Miriam is going to be on television.

If she wanted me to be there,
she would've called me

and asked me herself.

She called you and asked you.

You go and tell me how she was.

She said she's been calling you

and the line has been busy
for four hours.

And you believe that?

Why would she lie?

Because she's a compulsive liar,

just like her children.

- I don't think that's true.
- How long

did she lie to us
about doing stand-up comedy?

Hmm? And about Susie
being a plumber?

When she called us during
Ethan's fake birthday party,

she said she was in Prague, when
she was really back in New York.

And I was most certainly not
on the phone for four hours.

I'm not
a 14-year-old bobby-soxer

planning to elope with Elvis.

Maybe there's something wrong
with the phone.

There is nothing wrong
with the phone.

I have been home all day
with the phone.

I would know
if there was something wrong.

Maybe the phone
was off the hook.

The phone's
absolutely not off the...

Well, that still doesn't prove
anyone was trying to call.

- Hello?
- Rose. Thank God.

I've been trying to get you
for the past four hours.

Midge is gonna be on
The Gordon Ford Show tonight

- and she has tickets for you.
- Oh.

Well, thank you
for calling me, Joel.

You have to be there at 8:30.
The show starts at 9:00.

All right, Joel.

- 8:30.
- Thank you, Joel.

I'm supposed to hear you say
you'll be there.

- Hello.
- Rose. Finally.

I've been trying you for hours.

Listen, Miriam wanted me to call
to make sure you knew

she's performing on
The Gordon Ford Show tonight.

- I know, Shirley.
- They say to be here by 8:30,

but I would say 8:15 to be safe.

They give out a lot
of the free stuff at 8:15.

Frisbees, potholders,

wineglasses
with leprechauns on them.

Goodbye, Shirley.

Hello.

Hello, Mrs. Weissman?

My goodness, you like
to talk a lot on the phone.

- I wasn't on the pho...
- I don't have time.

Miss Miriam is trying
to get in touch with you.

She's going to be funny tonight
on The Gordon Ford Show.

- She has tickets for you to come.
- Why are you whispering?

Janusz does not want me
talking to you people anymore.

He says you are vampires
sucking the lifeblood out of us.

Zelda,
who are you talking to?

This never happened. Bye.

Okay, so...

This is Rose Weissman.

- Shh! I got her.
- Oh, it's been hours. - Oh, good.

Midge wanted us to call you
and tell you that...

- She's going to be on the show.
- Yes. And be there by...

8:15 if you want
to get the Frisbees.

I know. I heard. Thank you.

- How long do we have?
- One hour.

Let's go.

I don't understand
why you didn't have

Antonio hail us a cab.

There were no cabs
to hail, Rose.

Of course not. You didn't
let him blow the whistle.

- What?
- The cab whistle.

When he blows the whistle,
the cabs appear.

They have to already be there
to hear the whistle.

The whistle is not magic.

Antonio is not a wizard.

This is not Narnia.

- Oh, dear.
- Well, now we know

why there were no cabs
in front of the building.

They are all here.

Find a light.

I don't see a light.
Do you have a whistle?

Hello? Cab person?

- Yoo-hoo?
- Excuse me?

- 30 Rockefeller Center.
- No fares.

- Why not?
- Shift change.

- What did he say?
- He's not taking fares.

Because you didn't
use the whistle.

I'd try
the subway, pal!

- Excuse me? Are you available?
- No, shift change.

Excuse me, we need a cab.

Hey, that was my foot
you almost ran over.

- Excuse me, are you available?
- No.

- Excuse me?
- Taxi!

- Excuse me, we need a cab.
- Shift change, lady.

I don't understand why you'd all
change shifts at the same time.

How are we supposed
to get around somewhere?

Hello there, are you available?

- We're going to 30 Rockefeller Center.
- I wish you luck.

Excuse me, we need a cab.
We do not have a whistle!

- Sorry, lady.
- Excuse me,

we need a cab. I know there's
a shift change going on...

Excuse me!

My daughter's going
to be on television...

I will pay you ten dollars

- to not change shifts.
- Nope.

She called me
and the phone was off the hook,

which I had
no idea was happening,

but my grandchildren can
reach it now, it's...

I have ten dollars
if you don't change shifts.

Nope, sorry.

We've had a very strained
relationship since her husband

left her and she became a
comedian, which I was hoping...

Twenty dollars
to give us a ride!

Plus whatever the ride costs.

And if someone
in your family needs tutoring

in advanced algebra
or differential equations,

or a favorable theatrical review

in The Village Voice,
I can make that happen as well.

What is wrong with
the taxi industry?

I offered this man
money and services.

I offered that one
my wedding ring, nothing.

And still he... wait, what?

He looked at me
like I was insane.

How could you offer him
your wedding ring?

That belonged
to my great-grandmother.

Abe, don't try to change
the subject.

What? That was an heirloom.
It was priceless.

She wouldn't even wear it.

She sewed it into her wig,
so no one would steal it.

A bus! I see a bus.

I wish we had that whistle.

- Ooh, please stop the bus!
- Wait!

- Wait!
- Stop it now! Stop!

- Do not move!
- Excuse me?

- Excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver!
- Excuse me!

My daughter's going
to be on television!

There you go, your set order.

Nice and clear.
Can you read that?

- I can.
- I'll pass it on.

Susie, I can move your dinner
with Shel to tomorrow. Do it?

Why am I having dinner
with Shel?

Because you said
you wanted dinner with Shel.

I hate Shel.
Cancel the dinner with Shel.

I firmly believe that's the
best order for your set, so...

See, you're fucking
with the best order

just as I'm saying
it's the best order.

That's a better order. Wait!

Shel took over
the condo circuit.

I need to have dinner with Shel.

Cancel cancelling
my dinner with Shel.

Alan Shepard.

An American hero.

- Thrilled to have you here.
- Thrilled to be here, Gordon.

- I see you got our basket.
- I did. It's big.

Well, we wanted you
to have a basket

that you could see from space.

Apologies in advance
if there are any jokes

about little green men
or if the term "thrusters up"

gets shouted out at any point
during the show tonight.

Sign a picture for my wife,
and all will be forgiven.

Deal. See you out there.

- Maisel.
- Gordon. Hello.

I am really excited
about tonight.

What are you wearing?

What? Uh, a dress?

Is this a trick question?

Just seems a little fancy.

Well, I don't know.
I'm gonna do my act

on The Gordon Ford Show.
That seemed to call for fancy.

- Your act?
- Yes.

You're not doing your act.

Well, whose act am I doing?

It'd better not be
Buddy Hackett's.

'Cause his team is
quick to upset.

Let me clear this up for you.
You're not coming on to perform.

You're coming on as a writer.

A writer?

See if you can borrow a sweater
or something to throw over that.

Susie.

Mr. Ford? Mr. Ford.

Mr. Ford, Susie Myerson.
Midge's manager.

I know who you are.

Listen, my client was
under the impression

she was performing
on the show tonight.

Really?
Who gave her that impression?

You.
You gave her that impression.

I said she was gonna be
on the show

and she is gonna be on the show.

- But not as a comic?
- No.

- But she's a comic.
- Not here.

Here, she's a writer, so she's
gonna come on as a writer.

What does that mean?

She's gonna come out
and get hemorrhoids?

It means I will introduce her
as one of my writers

and ask her
a couple of questions.

She will answer them
and that's it.

- Why?
- Why what?

Why are you bringing her on
as a writer?

Who gives a shit about that?

It's a human interest piece.

Like when a panda bear
gives birth in a zoo.

- Only not quite as cute.
- She is not a panda bear.

Look, she doesn't need
to come on the show at all.

I can bring on Mel.

He actually does look
like a panda bear,

so it'll work even better.

- Gordon...
- I'm due on set.

I will see you out there.
Or not.

What the fuck?

Mike! Mike!

Mike!

Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike!

Mike!

Mike! Mike!

Oh, my God! What?! What, Susie?

What the ever-loving what?!

He said she was
performing on the show.

- And now she's not.
- She's not?

- She's on the board.
- Don't you produce this shit?

- Why don't you know anything?
- Why is she here if she's not on the show?

Oh, she's going on the show.
She's going on as a panda bear.

I'm sorry, what?
Like, in a costume?

A metaphorical
panda bear, Mike.

I don't know what that is.

It's bullshit.
That's what it is.

Look, the big decisions
are always Gordon's.

He says he wants
to interview her as a writer.

What does that mean?

She's gonna come out
and get hemorrhoids?

- That's what I said!
- Wow.

That sounds like
unadulterated shit.

Fix this, Mike.

- I will see what I can do.
- Fix this now!

I fucking said
I will see what I can do.

One minute,
ladies and gentlemen.

- What's that?
- Last-minute pitch for the opening line.

Better. Give it to Teddy.

There seems to be some confusion
about Midge's spot.

Oh, don't get
in the middle of this.

I'm in the middle of this,
Gordon. I'm your producer.

I changed it to a human
interest piece, quick interview.

Okay, but...

- Show's starting, Mike.
- For those of you still filing in...

That podium won't man itself.

...we are less than
one minute to air!

You're in
for a great show tonight.

Now we're about to get going,
so keep that energy up.

This show's a live broadcast,

- so that means anything can happen...
- Rose! Abe!

Abe, over here, over here!

Oh, Shirley.

Where's Moishe?

Oh, he's on painkillers.
He thought he was Eva Perón,

so I left him at home.

- Here, Frisbees for you.
- Just a few things to bear in mind...

- Rose, Abe!
- ...no eating and drinking.

- Hi! Hey!
- Please no unwrapping candy,

keep the aisles clear,
and if you have to leave,

please do so quietly.

Emergency exit doors are
on both sides in the back.

Other than that,
make a lot of noise

when it comes to showing
Gordon you're happy to be here.

Here we go, lots of applause!

And five, four,

three...

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's The Gordon Ford Show.

Tonight's guests...

astronaut Alan Shepard,

Broadway sensation
Carol Burnett,

plus a special visit with...

a Gordon Ford writer!

Now here he is,

Gordon Ford!

- Mr. Shepard?
- Okay, ready.

- Good luck, Miss.
- Thank you.

Nice to have you back on Earth.

Gordon Ford
is a genius!

♪ Someone's being bashful ♪

♪ That's no way to be,
not with me ♪

♪ Can't you see? ♪

♪ That I am just
as embarrassed as you ♪

♪ And I can understand
your point of view ♪

♪ I've always been ♪

♪ Shy ♪

♪ I confess it, I'm shy ♪

♪ Can't you guess
that this confident air ♪

♪ Is a mask that I wear
'cause I'm shy? ♪

♪ And you can be sure ♪

♪ Way down deep I'm demure ♪

♪ Though some people
I know might deny it ♪

♪ At bottom
I'm quiet and pure...

As much as this night stinks,

I really enjoyed
Alan Shepard's nuts.

Midge?

Hello, Midge? Are you Midge?

That's Midge.

Oh. Great. Thanks.

Midge? Hi. I'm Plum. I know.

It's a terrible fruity
family name, but there you go.

Can we help you, Plum?

No. I'm here to help you.

I'm your stage manager
for the night.

What do you mean,
"my stage manager"?

The real stage manager is
busy managing the real show,

so they assigned me
to manage you.

Wait, don't you run the lost
and found for the ice rink?

Not today.

Shall we go?

- ♪ Not I, sir ♪
- ♪ Then who, sir? ♪

♪ Where, sir and when, sir? ♪

♪ I couldn't be tenser ♪

♪ So let's get this done, man ♪

♪ Come on with the fun, man ♪

♪ I am one man ♪

♪ The lady is one man ♪

♪ Shy ♪♪

Carol Burnett,
ladies and gentlemen.

Just fantastic, Carol. Can't
wait to see what you do next.

And we'll be right back,
ladies and gentlemen,

after a word from our sponsor.

And we are out.

Wait here.

All right, guys, right this way.

You have to sit on a stool?

The couch is right there.

The couch is for the real
guests on the real show.

I'm not allowed
to have back support.

Well, the stool is
still on camera.

You can still make them laugh.

- This does not have to suck completely, so tits...
- Nope.

- Right.
- Girl writer on the stool.

You are on the left,
so Gordon can get back

to his desk
as quickly as possible.

Got it.

Fine, thank you.

Look at her up there. Look, it's Miriam.

Over here.

Miriam, I found your mother!

The phone was off the hook!

I went home and got her!

We took a bus! It was harrowing!

Psst!

And we're back in...

five, four, three...

And we're back,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is The Gordon Ford Show
and I am still Gordon Ford.

Now as much as I would love

to take credit for everything
that happens out here,

I can't. There is an army

of men and women toiling away
in our offices back there,

so that I can come out here
and appear witty.

Well, I thought that maybe you might want

to meet one of them tonight.
Would you like that?

So help me welcome
to The Gordon Ford Show,

our resident lady writer.

Ladies and gentlemen,
meet Midge.

- Hello, Midge.
- Hello.

Now you've been here
on the show five months now.

So I've got to ask the question
everyone's thinking.

In your own words,
what do you think of the boss?

He's great, Gordon.

- Handsome?
- Very.

- Charming?
- Like the prince.

Skillful juggler?
Good with kids?

All of the above.

Midge is one of six writers
on my writing staff.

Now, you may all be wondering
what exactly is it

that television writers do?

Well, each morning, they gather
in the writers room,

they have bagels and coffee,
they read the papers,

they pretend to know
how to pass a football,

and then just about now...

they start thinking
of tonight's monologue.

Always prepared, right?

I can feel your eyes burning
a hole through my head.

You're lucky I'm not staring
at your balls.

So, Midge,
as our resident lady writer,

let me ask you,
what's the difference

between a male writer
and a female writer?

Oh. Uh...

While you think of that,
let's meet

the rest of the writing staff.

Jerry, turn that camera around.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that's Ralph Emerson,

Cecil Green, Adam Portnoy,

Mel Rubens, and my head writer

Alvin Blank. The writers
of The Gordon Ford Show.

My band of merry men.

Hi! Hi!

All right,
bring it back around on me.

Okay, where were we?

Oh, yes, the differences

between male writers
and female writers.

Female writers write a lot
more jokes about horses, Gordon.

And poisoning our husbands.

And we like
to be held after we pitch.

Okay.

And now a word from our sponsor.

- What?
- What?

- Go to commercial.
- What commercial?

Find a commercial.

That's it?

Leave 'em wanting more.

And we are
out for commercial,

ladies and gentlemen.

Stay on the stool.
What are you doing?

- You still have four minutes left on the bit.
- The bit was done.

- I threw to commercial.
- I know you threw to commercial.

You weren't supposed
to throw to commercial.

- Not for another four minutes.
- So I threw early.

Four minutes early!

Look, I'll just wrap the show
after the commercial.

You have four minutes
after the commercial.

Are you listening?
I know I keep saying it.

- I'll vamp.
- For four minutes?

- Who are you, Mae West?
- What do you want from me?

I want four minutes from you.
Content!

Bring out another writer.
Interview the stage manager.

Interview Plum. What the hell
is Plum doing here?

They never go
to commercial this early.

They have three minutes
and 56 seconds

left in this segment.
I time it.

What the hell
is she doing on a stool?

- Everything backfired.
- What did you do?

Why is everything automatically
my...? Yeah, okay, it was me.

I had a friend talk Gordon

into putting her on the show
and since he's

a baby driven solely by his ego
and paper-thin nutsack,

he bumped her from
a stand-up spot to the stool.

And then she gets a laugh
from the audience,

so my guess is
he shit his diaper.

Fine.

I will do four more minutes
of stool work. Happy?

She's funny, Gordon.

You're the one who hired her
in the first place.

Because you thought
she was funny.

Four more minutes
after commercial.

- But...
- Midge, please.

Four more minutes,
and then we can all go get drunk

or go to bed
or drive a car into a wall.

- Might do all three, myself.
- Fine.

Thank you.

- Archie, I'm here!
- Finally!

I know. Did I miss it?
What did she do?

- She sat on a stool.
- Oh, good.

She can do that.
Hi. We're married.

- Miriam! Miriam!
- Miriam, over here!

Miriam, I have to say,
though not a word

of any note has come
out of your mouth,

it is still very exciting

to see you sitting
on that stool.

Thank you, Papa.

Miriam.

You know you can get pregnant
squatting like that.

I told you that one time,

and you've never
let me forget it.

Because it was a doozy.

I just want you to know,
I'm very touched

that you had so many people
ask me to come here tonight.

Well, it was supposed
to be a big night for me.

I didn't want you to miss it.

Supposed to be?

Is.

It is a big night for me.

Um...

they want you back in place?

Is that a question, Plum?

No.

I'll see you later, Mama.

Midge!

Beret!

And we're back
in two minutes, everyone.

Please stay in your seats.

We can fight
about this tomorrow.

I mean, it's for four more...

Stool, stool, stool.

Mike, can I talk
to Susie for a second?

One second. One literal second.

What's going on?
Are you thinking?

'Cause it looks like you're
thinking or passing a stone.

Susie, I have
four more minutes left.

- Four minutes.
- Okay.

Four minutes. You hearing me?

- Yes. Four minutes.
- Four minutes.

- Four minutes. You've got four minutes.
- Four.

I am gonna punch you
in the nose. I don't care how

- it will look on TV.
- I'm thinking about doing something,

Susie, something reckless
that could go

very badly for both of us.

Yeah?

It could ruin us.

Definitely me
and you by extension.

Okay.

I just...

60 seconds.

What do you think?

Look, you started your career
by getting up on a stage

that no one told you to get up
on, saying a bunch of shit

that no one wanted you
to say, so...

...tits up.

Tits up.

Buckle up, Mikey.

30 seconds.

Everybody back
in their seats, please.

I want you to know it was not
my intention to force your hand.

I had hoped you would want
to put me on someday.

This isn't personal,
it's just...

- It was not handled well.
- Mm-hmm.

- And you know the rule.
- I do.

And we are back

in five, four, three...

I've just never been great
at following rules.

We are back
with our lady writer.

So, Midge,
something's been nagging at me

ever since you came aboard.

The coffee
in the writers' room is

so much better than
in the break room, why is that?

I wouldn't know, Gordon,
because... fun fact...

I am not actually a writer.

What?

I'm a comedienne. I've only
been pretending to be a writer

so I'd have a bathroom
to use in Midtown.

So, why don't
I just get up and do

what I came here to do, huh?

No, where are you going?

We'll find out.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

What's happening here
is a Jewish hijacking.

There's no planes involved,
no one wants to go to Cuba.

My only demand is
four minutes of airtime,

and a ride to the doctor
when I'm old.

That's the nice thing
about the Jews.

We only hijack a conversation.

So, I am not actually supposed
to be up here right now,

talking to you all.
I broke a pretty big rule

when I left that stool.

But lately, I've been doing

a lot of things
I'm not supposed to.

Like becoming a comic.
That was a surprise.

To everyone. Me, especially.

I was just a wife and a mother

on the Upper West Side...

Upper West Side? Really?

My parents are
in the audience tonight.

Compare notes on
the parking situation.

My father's got a whole
conspiracy theory going on...

It's not a theory.

There's a lot of Jews
on the Upper West Side

and not nearly enough parking
spaces. Connect the dots.

...so I was just
a wife and a mother

and then one day,
my husband left me.

On Yom Kippur.

The holy day when Jews fast
to atone for their sins?

That's the day
he chose to leave me.

For his secretary.

I can't really blame him,
though.

She had some mints in her purse.

I'll admit, it was
really terrible for a while.

But then the sun set
and I could eat again.

Suddenly, I was single.

I wasn't raised to be single.

I didn't know what to do, so I
drank my weight in Manischewitz,

stumbled onto a stage,
grabbed a microphone,

and in that moment
everything changed.

I discovered what it felt like
to have people listen to me.

Well, not men, but other people.

Well, not my mother,
but everybody else.

Okay, not my children, my dates,

employers, coworkers,
the new butcher,

but strangers.
Strangers love me.

Yeah.

How the hell did you get there?

I'm magic.

Actually,
I should be grateful

that my husband cheated
with the person that he did.

Because she was, as they say

in the American Journal
of Medicine,

an idiot.

And I'm not just saying
that because she slept

with my husband. I'm saying
that because I saw her

ask a plastic plant
in the office

if it wanted some water.

And then waited for an answer.

For ten full minutes.

And then went to the coffeepot

and asked
why the plant was mad at her.

So when your husband
leaves you for that,

it softens the blow.

It feels good that after their
first cocktail party appearance,

people call you saying,
"What was he thinking?

She apologized to the ashtray

every time
she put out a cigarette."

Did you do that?

- We did.
- From the party.

I've been single
for a while now.

Quite a while.

If I ever do remarry,
my mother's going to have

to give me "the talk" again
to refresh my memory.

I'm actually not sure if
a permanent relationship is even

in the cards for me anymore.

I mean, I work at night.

I come home reeking
of cigarettes and booze

with lipstick
on my collar... mine.

And the men in my life are
no longer boyfriends or lovers.

They're bits. Fodder for my act.

If they kiss loud
or have nicknames

for their body parts...
like their feet.

Come on, we sell soap here.

If we have
an argument on a Friday,

Saturday night I'm recreating it
for the Shriners,

who are always on my side
and think I can do better.

Plus I come with kids. Two.

A boy and a girl.

Their names are
on the tip of my tongue.

We're a Jewish household,
so my son was circumcised

a week after he was born.

My daughter's trauma will have
to wait until she's old enough

to go clothes shopping
with my mother.

Well, that's fair.

I do know
that because of my situation,

my daughter is going to grow up
different than I did.

She's gonna be tougher.

More independent.
That's a terrifying word.

Independent.

Especially for women.

It was not a word we were
supposed to be familiar with.

I wasn't. My mother wasn't.

But I'm on my own now.

So if I want
that flat tire changed...

well, clearly someone else
is gonna do it.

I'm independent, not an idiot.

I haven't talked
to a plastic plant in months.

My kids, God, I promise
their names will come to me.

I think it's inevitable
that they will hate me

when they grow up.

Like every other parent,
I spend sleepless nights

imagining what my kids
are gonna say about me

to their psychiatrists.

Right? You've done this.

"She wasn't home."

"She missed my baseball game."

"She made me listen
to her tight ten for a week

before she opened in Toledo
and then had us heckle her

for three hours so she had
some practiced comebacks.

And our drinks
were watered-down."

That's why I need
to get really famous.

If you're really famous,
everybody loves you.

At least until the will is read.

I heard a story
about Mary Martin,

Broadway star.
Her driver got sick,

so she had to take a cab to the
theater she was performing at.

She gets in, cabbie asks her
where she's going.

She has no idea.

No idea where the theater is
or what it's called.

She is too famous to know.

She is so famous
that, eventually,

someone will notice she's
missing and just come find her.

All she has to do
is stand still.

That's the kind of fame I want.

Where I never have to know
who I am or where I'm going.

Where one day Bob Hope
walks up to me at a restaurant

and says, "Hi, I'm Bob Hope.

You probably
don't remember meeting me,"

and I say, "Of course I do.
I'll have the chicken."

I want a big life.

I want to experience everything.

I want to break
every single rule there is.

They say ambition is an
unattractive trait in a woman.

Maybe.

But you know
what's really unattractive?

Waiting around
for something to happen.

Staring out a window, thinking
the life you should be living

is out there somewhere
but not being willing

to open the door and go get it.

Even if someone tells you
you can't.

Being a coward is only cute
in The Wizard of Oz.

Ethan and Esther. I knew
it would come to me eventually.

Oh!

Huh.

Yeah.

You have been
an amazing audience!

I want to thank you,

I want to thank Gordon Ford,

and, most importantly,
I want to thank Bergdorf Goodman

from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you and good night!

I just wish
she'd worn a different dress.

You did it, Midge, whoo!

- Holy shit.
- Holy shit.

Well, don't just stand there!
Get over here, Maisel. Let's go!

- Wow.
- Look at her.

Ah!

Sit down.

Right now.

Whew.

Whew.

Where on earth
did that come from?

It was always there, Gordon.
You just had to ask.

Oh. Well, that was just terrific.

Really great. And I have to say,
I agree with you.

You are definitely not a writer.

That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

I have been hoist
by my own petard, folks.

I knew this lady was funny
but I did not know how funny.

I'm just grateful
you didn't turn the cameras off.

Oh, we did.
You can recreate it, can't you?

Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

Folks, I don't actually think
you got a proper introduction

to this very,
very funny lady here.

And I am gonna remedy that
right now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
making her first

but definitely not last

appearance
on The Gordon Ford Show,

may I present the magnificent,

the magical,

the marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

There she is. That's my daughter.

- That's my ex-wife.
- That's my best friend's ex-wife.

That's my ex-wife!

You're fired.

♪ Doop-doo-de-doop ♪

♪ Doo-de-doop,
doo-de-doo-de-doop ♪

♪ Doop-doo-de-doop ♪

♪ Doo-de-doop,
doo-de-doo-de-doop...

Yeah, remember, indecipherable.

This makes no sense.

Do you want me to teach you
how to be famous or not?

After you learn, maybe.

Okay, this is not the behavior
of someone who's been eating

gratis salt and pepper shrimp
all night.

But if someone asks
for your autograph,

they should be able
to read your name.

No. Wrong.

If they can read your name,
they will feel cheated.

They will know you are real.
That you went to school.

That you can write a check.

Okay. Here.

What do you think?

What's this?

My autograph.

I see at least three letters
very clearly.

Again.

Who taught you how to be famous?

I was born famous.

I see.

I floated down the Nile
in a basket

stuffed with greasepaint
and a copy of the trades.

That's a terrific story.

I made it up myself.

You want to hear the one
about the tap dancing locusts?

You want anything else?

Is there anything else?

Just the check.

Thank you for the feast.

You're welcome.

It's been a great night.

I concur.

Is it still snowing?

Well, if it is...

there won't be any cabs.

Trains will be spotty.

You might have to seek shelter
somewhere nearby

until it clears up.

I already sought shelter
earlier,

and now I have to go
to confession in the morning.

Last booth on the left
knows Hebrew.

Well? What about this?

Oh, nice.

- That's practically Sanskrit.
- Ah!

Okay, now we should work

on ignoring people
who you obviously know

when they're standing
two feet away from you.

All the famous people do it.

What makes you so sure
I'm gonna be really famous?

Mm, it's just a hunch.

I've seen your act.

I watched you escape
a police raid.

So, running and talking.

You have many skills.

Think my show corset
turned your head.

My head turned a long time ago.

It's why I keep pulling
to the right.

I don't know.

I hope you're right
because I don't have a plan B.

All my eggs
are in one big basket.

Mm, allow me.

God, I love a man
who steals my food.

"A spotlight waits
for you center stage.

All you have to do
is step up and claim it."

- Wow.
- "Once you do,

everyone will know who you are.

They will know your wit,

your intellect, your smile.

Your great, expressive eyes."

"They will be helpless
to your charms."

That must be
some very small writing.

"They will fall at your feet

and worship at the altar
of you and your show corset."

Can I see that fortune?

Oh, no.
If someone sees you can read,

they'll never let you be famous.

"Your lucky numbers are 46,

24, 11, six and five."

It's all how you read it.

You mark my words.

Very soon,
in the not too distant future,

you will be paying
for the Chinese food.

The week of the 24th,

you go to Orlando
and Palm Beach.

Those dates are firm.
Then you have

Chicago, Minneapolis and
possibly Vegas for two weeks.

So far apart. All that travel.

Charo offered her plane.

Oh, well, that's fine, then.

What about the Palace?

We are working on the Palace.

They're still talking December.

I don't want to be in London
for the holidays.

- I know that.
- I want to be in New York for the holidays.

We have relayed the message.

I'm never in New York for
the holidays, and this year

I want to be in New York
for the holidays.

I hear you.

New York for the holidays.
Period.

However, if that's the only time
that works,

then December's fine.

The building says there's
nothing they can do

- about the noise.
- They've been jumping around

for hours down there.

It's like Ruby Keeler moved in.

I'll knock on the door
and see what's up.

Tell them Yoko's complaining.

That'll shut 'em up.

Now,

before we break, what am I doing
on Tuesday?

Nothing.

Oh.

- Well, are we working on booking something?
- No.

But you are working Sunday,
Monday and Wednesday, though.

Traveling Thursday.

But what about Tuesday?

You can rest on Tuesday.

Let me make some calls.

You press here,
bring up the menu,

scroll over
to the envelope icon, click,

- then write your message.
- Why don't I just call them?

Sometimes you want to text.

- When?
- When you're late.

I can call when I'm late.

It's just a fun thing
your phone can do.

- Like take pictures.
- My camera takes pictures.

What if you don't have
your camera?

I commit it to memory.

It also takes videos.

Does it have the nuclear codes?

- Can I bomb somebody?
- No, you can't.

What about aliens?
Can I communicate with aliens?

Not with the phone. Can I just
show you how to write a message?

- You can certainly try.
- So you scroll down to a number and then you click

on that number until it goes
to the letter you want

- and then...
- Enjoy the phone, Franklin!

♪ I wanted ♪

♪ The music ♪

♪ To play on ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Have I stayed too long ♪

♪ At the fair? ♪

♪ I wanted ♪

♪ The clown ♪

♪ To be constantly clever ♪

♪ Have I stayed too long ♪

♪ At the fair? ♪

♪ I bought me blue ribbons ♪

♪ To tie up my hair ♪

♪ But I couldn't find ♪

♪ Anybody to care ♪

♪ The merry-go-round ♪

♪ Is beginning to slow now ♪

♪ Have I stayed too long ♪

♪ At the fair? ♪

♪ The music ♪

♪ Has stopped ♪

♪ And the children must go now ♪

♪ Have I ♪

♪ Stayed too long ♪

♪ At the ♪

♪ Fair? ♪♪

Hold on.
I got shit everywhere.

Literal shit
or metaphorical shit?

Uh, the fucking cleaning lady
moved everything around.

Can't find my TV glasses.

Look in the box
on the flower table.

Don't pretend
that you know everything.

Box on the flower table.

You don't know everything!

She didn't move them.
She never moves them.

- Look in the box on the flower table.
- You know,

a whole continent away from you
is not enough space.

Did you find them?

No.

Did your machine tape it okay?

Yes. I got it fixed.

Did you check it?

I checked it. It works.

Now, remind me,
what happened yesterday?

Oh. Uh, they booted the guy

who didn't know which character
Danny Bonaduce played

on The Partridge Family.

Well, I wouldn't
have known that.

It's Danny. Jesus Christ.

All right, you got it?

I got it. You got it?

I got it.

I'm putting it in.

I'm putting it in.

- Still putting it in.
- I'm in.

- I'm in!
- Now, don't press before I press.

Every fucking time.

Because we have to hear
the answers at the same time.

I know!

And if you get ahead,

then you hear the answer
before I do.

I fucking know!

We'll press it at the same time.

Jesus.

Could've watched the whole show
by now.

Oh! Susie, did you get my bird?

The red one?

She's gorgeous.

I've never seen anything
like her.

I named her Whore.

I didn't thank you for that?

You're welcome. You ready?

I am ready.

Okay, one,

two, three,

- go.
- Go.

Such a pleasant tune.

Mm, really pleasant tune.

The Ultimate
Tournament of Champions.

Will it be a retail specialist

from Louisville, Kentucky,
Chris Miller,

who, yesterday, won $10,000?

An investment analyst...

They had a meeting here
and we're going over dates

and I look down.
Tuesday's empty.

Oops.

- Feel sorry for Delia.
- I mean,

it's wide open, Susie.

And when I questioned it,

she looked at me
like I'm insane.

You want me
to call her?

I want you to come back to work.

I've done my time.

I'll call her tomorrow.

I think
I'm gonna take the champ.

Okay. I got bushy beard man.

Here we go,
the Jeopardy! round.

Gonna be a good match.

Should we make it
a little more interesting?

It's been interesting
for 45 years.

I'm not sure
how we're gonna top it now.

Let's do...

Forbes' Billionaires, $200.

March was
a great month for her:

she made her debut
on the Forbes list...

- Martha Stewart.
- Oh. The chick who went

to jail 'cause she's a broad,

even though every other guy
who does the same fucking thing

is walking around
completely free.

- Who is Martha Stewart?
- Yes.

Billionaires for $600.

I think
he would've given me that one.

...but
this septuagenarian

member of the Disney family
is still on it.

- John?
- Who is Roy Disney?

- Roy Disney.
- Oh, he's a nice man.

- Predators for $600.
- Are we gonna keep...

How do you think
I'd look in a goatee?

Why would that
even occur to you?

Well, if there is reincarnation,

I could come back as a man
and I want to have a look.

- Are you bald?
- Why?

Because I think if you're bald,

it's weird if all the hair
you have is under your chin.

Hmm? Goatee looks better
with a full head of hair.

That is ridiculous.

That is ridiculous?

Not this entire conversation?

You don't ever imagine
what you'd come back as

- if you came back?
- No.

I still have all my marbles.

I think about it all the time.

Who would I be?
Where would I live?

- What if I was an animal?
- Oh, boy.

I think I'd make
a cute squirrel.

Or a swan.

Or a wild mustang.

I'd be a great wild mustang.
What about you?

I am not coming back
as anything.

Come on.

I am fine being dead.
I prefer it.

Any animal, what would you be?

- Skunk.
- Why?

Mm, great fur. Cute face.

And your ass is a weapon.

That does seem
like you.

Right?

Walking down the street,
someone bumps me,

turn, tail up... bam!

- I can picture it.
- Yeah.

And I look back over my shoulder
while I do it.

And you're wearing your cap.

That's right, buddy.

That smell? That's you.

Enjoy your tomato juice bath.

Tomato juice bath.

Yeah, throw-throw a celery stalk in there.

You're gonna be a while.

Celery stalk.

Next time, you're gonna look
where you're walking.

Huh?

Pepé Le Jew over here, huh?

Oh, it hurts. Stop.

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ There are some things
you can't cover up ♪

♪ With lipstick and powder ♪

♪ Thought I heard you
mention my name ♪

♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪

♪ Don't come any closer ♪

♪ Don't come any nearer ♪

♪ My vision of you ♪

♪ Can't come any clearer ♪

♪ Oh, I ♪

♪ Just want to hear girls talk ♪

♪ Got a loaded imagination ♪

♪ Bein' fired by girls talk ♪

♪ It's a more or less
situation ♪

♪ Inspired by girls talk ♪

- ♪ But I can't say ♪
- ♪ Can't say ♪

- ♪ The words you want to hear ♪
- ♪ Want to hear ♪

♪ I suppose
you're gonna have to ♪

♪ Play it by ear right here ♪

♪ And now ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they want to know how ♪

- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ And they say ♪

♪ It's not allowed ♪

- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ If they say that it's so ♪

♪ Don't you think
that I'd know by now? ♪

♪ Got the word up
on everyone's lipstick ♪

♪ That you're getting faded ♪

♪ You may not be
an old-fashioned girl ♪

♪ But you're gonna get dated ♪

♪ Was it really murder? ♪

♪ Were you just pretending? ♪

♪ Lately I have heard ♪

♪ You are the living end ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they want to know how ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they say
it's not allowed ♪

- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ And they think ♪

- ♪ They know how ♪
- ♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ If they say that it's so ♪

♪ Don't you think
that I'd know by now? ♪

♪ But I can't say ♪

♪ The words you want to hear ♪

♪ I suppose you're gonna ♪

♪ Have to play it by ear ♪

- ♪ Right here ♪
- ♪ There are some things ♪

♪ You can't cover up
with lipstick and powder ♪

♪ But I heard you mention
my name ♪

♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪

♪ Don't come any closer ♪

♪ Don't come any nearer ♪

♪ My vision of you ♪

♪ Can't come any clearer ♪

- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ And they want ♪

- ♪ To know how ♪
- ♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they say
it's not allowed ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ And they think they know how ♪

♪ Girls talk, girls talk ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Girls talk, girls talk ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Girls talk ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪