Original subtitles

[Intro to song "barely surviving"]

♪ Get a little more

♪ baby

♪ get a little more

♪ give a little more

♪ baby

♪ get a little more

[record scratch, music stops]

[Music resumes]

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ I see you searching for

something new ♪

♪ thinking you're the man,

boy, you ain't got a clue ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ Here comes my baby

♪ she's gonna make you crawl

♪ here comes my baby

♪ gonna push, push, push,

push until you fall ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ Barely surviving

♪ you got to get her here

with you ♪

♪ barely surviving

♪ love everything she do

♪ barely surviving

♪ you got to get her here

with you ♪

♪ barely surviving

♪ love everything she do

♪ Think you know what's going down ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

♪ The girl can blow you away

♪ can spin your world around

♪ here comes my baby

♪ she's gonna knock you out

♪ out

♪ here comes my baby

[camera shutter clicks]

♪ She's gonna make, make, make,

make, make you scream and

shout ♪

♪ barely surviving

vo: Black coffee, and I get an

onion bagel with cream cheese.

You got it?

Onion bagel with cream cheese.

You got it?

Get it! Go!

You're on the air.

Hi, I'm cliff probate.

Welcome to "barenaked survivor."

We're here this morning to go

see the girls.

This is where they're held up.

And we're gonna go wake them up.

Come on.

I love doing this shit.

Wake up, girls!

We are here at the room of our

very first contestant, Ruby.

And the door's open -- good

sign.

Hello, Ruby?

Hyah!

Jes--

hyah!

Jesus Christ!

Ruby: Shit. I'm sorry.

You do realize I could have killed you?

Yeah.

[Sighs]

All right, in the corps, we've

got a code.

Always got to have a code,

all right?

This is the code.

Okay.

You got it?

Got it.

All right, let me hear it.

But --

Ruby [os]: What's wrong with this guy?

Did you get that code? Ruby [os]: What a retard.

Anybody get that code?

H-h-- r-r-Ruby?

Ruby [os]: Jesus.

What is wrong with you?!

Are you retarded?!

Uh --

it's simple -- four, space!

[Strained voice] Okay.

I got it -- four, space.

All right. You're right.

I'm sorry.

[Chuckling] I'm sorry.

Phew.

All right, come on in.

Come on.

So, Ruby, what is it that

made you want to do this?

Well, being in the corps, my

life is really regimented, and

now I'd like to live a little --

you know, being on an island,

meeting new people.

I got a thing for the forest, I

got to tell you, you know?

So, Ruby, being in the corps

and all, did you ever, like, you

know, kill anybody?

What did you say?

Uh, no, I-I didn't mean --

I mean, you know, hey, look at

the time and all.

Hey, did anybody ever tell you

you look like that beautiful

actress, uh, uh -- you know, the

one in "bare wench."

What was her name?

Uh, j-j-j-Julie k. Smith.

Listen -- don't try to

sweet-talk me, all right?

Keep the sugar to yourself,

all right?

Yeah.

I mean, no, I didn't mean it.

I was just --

and by the way, remember that code.

Yeah, right, I got the co--

four -- four and two and -- and...

Four knocks with a space between each.

Y-Y-You want anything, maybe

some coffee or, like, a doughnut

or something?

No, I don't need anything. You got a knife?

Knife?

Yeah, uh, sure, a knife, okay.

All right, yeah, okay. Goodbye.

Jesus Christ.

Well, I think Ruby needs a

little more time, so let's go talk to babette, huh?

Babette?

Babette?

Babette [os]: Qui, oui. Bonjour.

Hello --

oh, my god.

Hello. Hi.

Hello. How are you?

Very well. How are you?

I'm very good.

Cliff: Nice to meet you. Babette: Very nice to meet you.

My name's cliff.

Well, I am babette.

[Chuckles nervously]

Uh, so, um...

[Giggles]

[Clears throat]

Tell me about France.

Well, I will tell you, cliff.

See, in France, everything is so beautiful, you know --

the food, everything. It's just wonderful there.

This america is so boring.

But I thought if I came, it

would spice the place up, you see?

V-V-Viva, la France, uh --

also, I would love to get my

green card, and I always have a dream of being a big, big star.

You see?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're -- you're big.

I mean -- well -- [Chuckles nervously]

You're gonna be huge.

I mean, uh -- [Chuckles nervously]

Yes, I see. I see what you mean.

[Clears throat] Yeah, I was --

uh, you was -- you --

[sighs] Well, you see, I like to be nude

most of the time.

It is much more better.

I mean, these clothes -- they can be so restraining.

[Exhales sharply]

Babette [os]: So, you know, a lot of the time, I like to just take my

clothes off and run around free anytime I like, you see?

And -- and you just, um, don't mind t-taking them out and

letting them breathe, right?

[Giggles]

Well, anyways, cliff, you must go to the other girls.

Shoo, shoo!

I must prepare for butta cheeka.

No, please, I'll just -- just

hang out here and watch those --

I mean, uh, watch out and...

No, no, cliff, I must have my privacy now.

You must leave. Please!

I don't want to tell you again! Please leave!

All right.

Go, go! Please!

Do I have to?

Out of my room, please.

All right, already.

Out, out.

I'm going.

Bye-bye.

Parlez-vous and viva, la France, uh...

Hey, let's go talk to some

midwestern-American girls now, huh?

This is Dallas.

Dallas?

Yo, Dallas?

Dallas [os]: Hello. Come on in.

So, tell me, Dallas, um,

what makes you want to be a contestant?

Why?

Cliff [os]: Yeah.

Well, besides the money, i'm a real big outdoor enthusiast.

You know, like, I love hiking.

And I love breathing in the fresh air.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I could just hike for hours and hours and just be

so happy and go swimming and paragliding.

Oh, I'm getting so excited!

Oh, my god!

[Gasps]

So, anyways, that's the reason.

Well, tell me a little bit

about yourself, like, how do you measure up?

I mean, you know --

oh, measurements? I'm a 34 "d," size 3.

[Chuckles] Size 3 is always good, uh...

[Clears throat]

So, um, do you have any, like,

uh, men in your life, uh...

Life, uh --

oh, excuse me for a second. Hold up right there.

Not -- not closer.

Well, I --

there's the door.

Oh, man.

Bye.

[Door closes]

Just one more thing -- I --

well, we're off to a great start

today, and our next girl is Monica.

Monica?

Hi. It's me.

Monica: Ugh.

[Clears throat]

Yeah, anyway, so, uh, let's go talk to Angela.

So, Angela, what do you -- what

do you expect to gain from being here on butta cheeka?

Angela: Um...money, but really, I...

Want to feel some sort of connection to nature.

I feel that I need to be more

balanced and harmonious with the

people around me and with nature.

Um, I think that's a lot right there.

Uh, so, uh...What are you gonna do with the money?

I'm gonna donate it to, um, Greenpeace.

And I'm gonna help save whales.

The w-- the whales?

Uh...o-okay, um...

I went to this concert, and it was so cool, man.

I just -- I mean, the people around me just made me like --

I was just vibing off of them,

and I just -- oh, I just felt so connected and -- and I was just

so inspired to, you know, feel connected to nature.

It was a really beautiful experience.

Okay, uh, uh...

Uh, hey, I think we got to go now.

You take care, and --

Angela [os]: I'm feeling your love.

Oh, yeah, yeah, peace and love to you, too, darling.

Oh, boy.

Cheryl: Please, god, let me win. Let me win this money.

I need this money so bad, and I've been such a...

Let's see how Cheryl's doing here.

Cheryl?

I've done the best in everything.

Please let me win this money. I need it.

She's praying.

[Chuckles]

So, uh, Cheryl, um, what is it that made you want to be a

contestant here on butta cheeka island?

Well, I was in, um, Mexico recently, and I thought I

had, like, this weird vision.

Like, I don't know if it was --

someone came up to me,

I don't know if it was some

Mexican guy, or maybe it was Jesus.

I have no idea.

But he came up to me and told me to go on this show, go on this

show and win this money and that I deserved it.

So that's why I'm here.

So, um, do you speak Spanish?

I'm really not sure 'cause I don't speak Spanish, but I'm --

I'm assuming that's what it was.

I mean, I think that's what he said.

I mean, that's what I got from it.

[Chuckles]

And, um, where, uh -- w-w-where you from?

Actually, I'm from St. Louis, Missouri.

Uh, St. Lou-- I, uh --

so, you know what, cliff?

I really need to get back to praying because I really feel

that it'll benefit me if I continue to pray.

Oh. Oh.

Okay, well, hey, tell Jesus I said "hey."

Bye.

Okay, ladies, now, before we

leave -- this is very, very important -- you're each allowed

to choose one additional item to bring with you on the island.

Choose wisely, ladies, because this one item could be the

difference between your living or your dying.

You each have five seconds.

Ruby, what is your choice?

Crap. Crap. Crap.

My daddy said the good book will see me through.

[Toy squeaking]

Useless. Useless.

Hmm.

They'll come in handy, but I don't need them right now.

Ooooh!

Five seconds, Angela.

So, uh, babette, what is your choice?

Babette: [Sighs] Cliff: Take your time.

Angela, three seconds.

Hmm. Let's see.

Okay, toilet paper.

Nope, nope, nope.

Ahh.

[Sniffs]

Ugh!

Okay, guys, should we listen to some groovy tunes, or should

we just take care of some feminine business?

No, no. No, I joke.

Angela, time's up.

That means you -- time's up.

Is there like a bong or some

rolling papers, something useful in here?

Ah! Bingo.

I like. I like.

Knife.

Hello, Angela? Earth to Angela.

This will work.

Okay, tampons it is.

I'm ready. Let's go.

[Air brake hisses]

[Horn honks]

Cliff [vo]: We are now approaching the lush tropical paradise of

butta cheeka, known for both its beauty and its savage danger.

For the next 30 days, these 6 brave, barely clad women are

going to be marooned on this exotic island.

These courageous women will be alone, facing the elements,

living as nature intended --

without food, without modern conveniences, just six gorgeous

women, not a "y" chromosome between them, except for me,

who will visit on occasion.

But, hey, that's my job. Somebody's got to do it.

Not only will this be a test of survival...

But also a test of social skills.

Each week, one of the girls will be voted out of the tribe, and

the last girl who remains will win a buttload of money.

We are now approaching the lush

tropical paradise of butta cheeka.

Like the ancient travelers of old, it's time to leave the

vessel of your oceanic voyage and rush to the virgin shores.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Hey, guys.

I declare this party island!

Whoo!

I just wanted to be on American TV.

Bonjour, mama, papa.

Bonjour, my darling Pierre.

Did you miss these?

They missed you too.

Yes, they do.

[Giggles]

But before you can say "gérard depardieu," babette will

be home with the buttload of money.

Bye-bye.

[Smooches]

You know, I came to this island for a few reasons.

First of all, I wanted to party, second of all, I wanted to be

naked, and third, I wanted to do

all that with some hunky, studly men.

Cliff [os]: You know there's no guys on the island, right?

What? There's no guys?

Not even like a tribe, like wella hunga, bigga longa,

something like that? God.

Ruby, is there, um, you know,

any truth to the rumor about women in the military, you know?

I mean, like -- you know.

What is it, uh, "don't ask, don't tell" and...

Are you asking me if I'm a lesbian?

Well, I don't --

dude, have some balls already, would you?

Just ask the question.

Well, well, uh --

I want to hear you say the word -- am I a lesbian?

Are you a, you know, lesbian?

[Chuckling] Am I a lesbian?

Yeah.

That's the funniest shit. What, a woman can't be tough?

A woman can't defend herself? A woman can't use a weapon?

I didn't say that.

That's a stigma.

That's the most ridiculous stereotyping ever, all right?

Dick is a great friend of mine.

Dick and I hung out the night

before I came out here, all right?

Now, don't ask me any more

questions about this lesbian shit, all right?

Um --

you and I will get along fine.

Remember the code -- secret

code -- and don't ever mention "lesbian."

Okay. All right.

All right, are you done with me?

You got something else you want to talk to me about, or what?

'Cause I got a shelter to build.

Help.

Island butta cheeka.

I figured I could give Ruby a hand, you know?

She would not be a bad person to have on my side, so I

decided, maybe form an alliance or something.

Could you use a hand?

Sure, if you can do it and keep it quiet.

Look -- I'm not trying to be rude, all right?

But we need to get this shit built before dark.

I understand. I cannot believe how lazy these women are.

"Lazy"?

That's an understatement.

Well, where should I put these?

[Scoffs]

Throw them over there.

And I need to try to figure out

how to bind them.

[Birds chirping]

[Grunts]

[Singing] Oh, i'm

helping, I'm helping, i'm

helping.

She's not so bad.

I mean, at first she was driving

me batty with all that French shit.

Everyone was going a little

nutty, but I don't know.

In the corps, it's not like we

do much female bonding.

It's nice.

Um, she seems considerate.

After all, she did help me with the shelter.

[Birds chirping]

Dudes, that was quick!

Wow!

Jesus Christ.

Who helped you?

Just a little spit and twine.

[Spits]

Military know-how -- something

you know nothing about.

I helped with this too, you know.

[Scoffs]

[Giggling]

Dallas [os]: No, no, it's like...

Push them up, baby.

Cliff [os]: You think being a therapist

is gonna help?

I don't see how it would put

me at a disadvantage.

I mean, I deal with nuts all

the time -- you know,

Mr. Stevens and his butt fetish

and Meredith and her poor body image.

You know, I can do it. I can deal with five girls,

no problem.

Cliff [os]: So, um...

Um, isn't that all supposed to be, like, confidential?

Well, whatever, you know? I --

why do you ask such questions?

Cheryl [os]: Okay, so, I think, you know,

the difference between -- we're all so different.

I mean the difference between all these girls on this beach.

You know, babette is so kind of free with herself, and Monica --

I don't really know much about Monica.

She's kind of into herself. And Angela -- Angela --

I just love Angela. I get along really well

with her. So, if anything, it'd be --

you know, I'd be -- I think I'm gonna be hanging out

with Angela the whole time.

Cliff [os]: Um, on a serious note,

you know, since, like, you're a therapist and all?

Yes.

Cliff [os]: Does that mean, like,

you get into, like, really kinky sex?

That I get into kinky sex, or

is that what I hear about?

Cliff [os] no, is that what you get into?

Well, gee, that's none of your business, mister.

Cliff [os]: Oh, I mean, just -- you know...

Like -- just -- you can tell me. I won't tell anybody.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I don't believe you.

Cliff [os:] I swear I won't tell anybody.

Just me and you.

[Waves crashing]

[Birds chirping]

Dallas: Hey, guys, I don't know about you, but I am starving.

I need some salad, some tofu, or something.

Or some fromage.

Aimee: Hey, wait. What's this?

Oh, it's a note.

It says, "we left you here. That was naughty.

Now signal US with your body"?

Dudes, what does that mean?

Babette does not know. It is like some crazy foreign

language.

Unh-unh.

I learned about secret coding in the corps.

This is definitely a poem.

Yeah, right, it's got to be a poem because it rhymes, right?

Yeah.

Well, it says we should all go down to the beach.

Okay.

Let's go to the beach.

Hey, it's hot.

Let's go put our swimsuits on.

Right on.

Ooh, yeah.

[Bird caws]

[Waves crashing]

[Whistle blows]

All right, girls, come on. Come on. Gather around.

Let's go.

We're going for our first challenge of the day.

Gather around.

Okay, what we're gonna do is --

see, every once in a while,

we're gonna have a challenge, all right, here on butta cheeka.

So, the first challenge of the day is we're gonna try to signal

a rescue plane, all right?

And whoever signals the rescue

plane the best wins the challenge.

You all with me on this?

There's a plane?

Cliff [os]: No, no, no, it's a fake plane.

Just pretend, okay?

The only way we're gonna get

that plane's attention is if we build a fire.

Look -- you got 45 seconds.

We ain't got time to build a damn fire, okay?

Cliff [os]: Just use any means you got, okay?

I mean, you know, do whatever you can to signal the plane.

All right. I got you.

Cliff [os]: How hard can this be?

I got you.

So, you girls all ready? You with me on this? Huh?

But is the pilot male or female?

Cliff [os]: Male. What's the difference?

Ooh, good!

Ruby [os]: Yeah. All right!

Listen up -- the winner of today's challenge is gonna

receive something really crucial, okay?

Babette: Okay.

Cliff: Alright?

Is it food?

Cliff [os]: Hello?

I want some men on this island, okay?

A bong?

Nope, but thanks for asking.

Do we get vibrators?

[French accent] Ze lingerie, eh?

Eh? Oui, oui. Eh?

[Normal voice] Watch it. Hold on.

Look at that, right?

Babette [os]: Ooh, red is my color.

Oh, baby, yeah.

I think I like it.

Cliff [os]: Oh, I think I do, too.

What do you think?

Cliff [os]: Oh, I think I love it.

[Both laugh]

Cliff [os]: Well, here, put it on.

[Laughs]

You like? Huh?

Oh, I love it so much.

It would be beautiful on me. I just know it.

What a naughty bitch.

Let's signal that plane, girls.

Ready, set...

[Whistle blows]

[All cheering]

Cheryl [os]: Save me!

Va-va-va-vo om, huh?

Oh, babette, baby! Oh, you my baby, baby.

Please! Oh, my god! Please! Please save me! Save me!

Whoo!

Take me!

Oh, my -- oh, Cheryl.

Oh, Cheryl, oh, you are my favorite.

Save me! Help!

Save me!

[Laughs] Yeah!

Oh, oh, Monica! Oh, oh, you're my favorite.

Oh, yeah, you're winning. You're winning here.

Whoo!

[Indistinct shouting]

Dallas, oh, my god! Dallas, you're my favorite.

Ooh.

Hyah! Ha!

Ha! Ohh-ah! Hyah!

Oh, my god, Ruby, you're the best.

You're number one. You're it.

Ruby: Save me! Help!

Monica: Land on this ass!

A-s-s! A-s-s!

Look at that ass. Oh, that ass!

That's so beautiful.

Please, please, help me!

Over here!

Save me! Help!

Monica wins. Monica wins. It's over. Monica wins.

Oh. End of contest.

Angela: Please save me!

[Boing!]

Oh! [Laughs]

Cliff [os]: Sorry. You okay?

Angela: Bam!

Ooh. And the winner is Monica.

Whoo-hoo!

And look -- here, I'll give you this, as well, and you can

share this with one person. Who do you choose?

Uh...

I choose Cheryl.

Oh, my god, Monica, thank you so much.

Mwah! Thank you so much!

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, right on, girl.

Monica is my very best friend.

I can't believe she just did that for me.

I'm so excited.

I -- she's my -- my girl. I love that girl now.

Cliff [os]: Why Cheryl?

Well, Cheryl seems so

innocent, you know, so easy to manipulate.

And I think she might be a good alliance.

Cliff [os]: So, Cheryl, um, are you part of the alliance?

What alliance? You mean these?

Have I noticed any tensions?

Oh, right away I noticed there was gonna be a lot of tension.

I mean, Ruby's trying to take charge of the island.

She wants to be the queen bee. I don't really care.

And then there's Monica with her toilet fetish.

Who knows what's going on with

that and what's going in her mind?

Well, right away, I knew this was not gonna be easy.

[Tribal music]

Cheryl, I think we're the gods of lipstick.

Monica, don't say that.

You know there's only one you-know-who.

Dear lord, thank you for this blessing that we're about to

receive, and I promise I won't back-stab anyone on this trip.

Also, can you send down some nail Polish and some lipstick

and maybe some foundation?

Amen.

Amen.

You know, we should make a pact not to vote against each other.

Really? Okay.

Pinky swear?

Sure.

Monica, what are you doing with your pinky?

Ooh, Monica!

Pinky honor.

[Moaning]

Aah! Aah! Kelp!

Ohh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Ohh!

[Giggles]

Mmm.

Pinky honor.

[Giggles]

[Waves crashing]

I don't think -- I don't think it's just gonna take, you

know, like, strength and endurance and, you know, looks,

whatever.

It's gonna take brains, and I

think I've got the brains to do it.

[Boing! Boing! Boing!] [Boing! Boing! Boing!]

Yeah, I think I have a pretty good chance.

I'm as athletic as anybody else.

Um, you know, I'm pretty smart.

Angela's kind of out there -- you know, oo-hoo, oo-hoo!

And, uh, Monica I think is out.

So I think I have a pretty good chance, yeah.

Why not?

Cliff [os]: So, uh, Ruby, this must be

like a walk on the beach for you, right?

[Scoffs] This is a cake walk.

What are you, kidding? These chicks have no idea.

They wouldn't survive a day.

Take Iraq, for example.

That mission -- I walked it, no problem.

Montana? Survived it.

Cliff [os]: Mon-- Montana?

You had a mission in Montana?

I didn't say that.

Cliff [os]: Yeah. Yeah, you did, Ruby.

No, I didn't say that. You see? You're hearing things.

Cliff [os]: That's what you said.

Give me that [bleep] give me the [bleep] camera.

Hi, it's me, cliff. Remember me?

Anyway, it's the end of the

night, we've tucked the girls in, and they're tired.

They're hungry. They got no men.

Oh, my god, a rat!

[Girls screaming]

Ruby: Hey! Stop it!

I got it!

Cook it! We can eat it!

Dallas: No!

I'm a member of peta, and no animal is going to suffer on

this island of butta cheeka.

Ruby: Are you gonna stop me?

No!

Why do all the little animals have to suffer?

We're hungry.

Mmm.

I love this rat. Want a bite?

Mmm. Delicious.

Mmm! Ratburger!

Yummy for my tummy!

Mmm, it looks so good.

[Sniffing] Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm.

With red wine, this could be a delicacy.

Oh! [Sniffs]

[Laughter]

[Waves crashing]

[Birds chirping]

So, the ratburger was fine, but there was only one for all

of US, and I'm still pretty hungry.

So, do you think there's, like,

a hamburger stand around here somewhere?

[Giggles] It was yummy.

I was so hungry.

Boot camp was a really rough experience, but I'm really glad

I got to experience it because I think I can pretty much survive

anywhere now, you know? I mean, this is a cakewalk.

This is nothing.

These girls would never last a day in boot camp, let alone

three months of boot camp. I have to say, you know, I got

this very fabulous figure because of boot camp.

You know what I mean?

Believe it or not, I was close

to 300 pounds before I went to boot camp.

I mean, there's so many differences between US.

For example, Monica's breasts

are like this, and Ruby's breasts are like this.

And my breasts? Well, my breasts are perfect.

It is easy to get along, you see, because babette has three

sisters -- UN, deux, trois.

And having three sisters, I learn how to deal with a lot,

like when they steal my clothes

and they [bleep] my beautiful boyfriend and they tell mama

that I am the one who killed the cow.

Ugh! I hate those bitches. I do.

And one day, I stick a cheese knife in their ear.

I wanted to talk to you about the money, all right?

I -- see, your odds are good. Don't get me wrong.

All right? Real good.

But they're not that good, okay?

Now, don't worry about it 'cause, see, I got a lot of

connections, and I can make things happen, so --

excuse me.

No, wait. You know, you work with me,

I work with you --

I know that whole rap.

What rap?

"I work with you, you work with me."

Yeah, and this way -- you know, you want the $1 million...

No.

...i can-

speak to the hand. I'm sick of your shit.

But you don't understand.

No, I understand exactly. Goodbye.

But --

[waves crashing]

[Sighs]

What's for breakfast?

Cheryl: I don't see any fish sticks.

Monica: Maybe over there.

Angela: Hey, girlfriends, do you know what day it is?

Dallas: What, "let's kick off Angela" day?

No, silly! It's naked day! Whoo-hoo!

Whee!

Come on, everyone!

Whoo-hoo!

What a silly girl.

Girls! Whoo!

[Laughter]

Tribal music

[Crickets chirping]

Welcome to your first tribal council.

Hey, cliff.

Greetings. Please be seated.

[Waves crashing]

Unfortunately, tonight you'll

have to vote one of your tribe off the island.

But before we get started, I have a few questions.

Angela, you declared earlier today that this was naked day,

and yet you have all your clothes on.

Why is that?

I don't know.

Babette, do you feel, because you're from France, somehow

alienated from the other members of your tribe?

Who would vote for babette?

Monica, how come you're such a bitch?

You're just upset 'cause I

wouldn't give you the time of day.

Ruby... I have nothing to say to you.

Good. Let's get going.

I am now going to ask you to cast your votes.

There can only be one set of double d's on this island.

Couldn't trust them in world war ii, and you certainly

can't trust them now.

This is boring.

There can only be one of US who is free-spirited.

And the votes are in. Again -- the one who receives

the most votes will be asked to leave the island immediately.

Cliff [os]: And the first vote is...

...Angela.

Monica.

[Sighs]

Babette.

That's one for Angela, one for Monica, one for babette.

Cliff [os]: Monica.

Cliff [os]: Ruby.

Monica.

Cliff [os]: That's four for Monica. Monica, I'm sorry.

You have to leave the island immediately.

Is that what you guys really want to do?

You want to give up these?

You don't want them hanging around the island?

Cheryl and Angela, you're the friends I never had.

And, babette, we could have been pen pals.

It's true.

You were all the friends I never had.

The tribal council has spoken.

Cliff, please don't kick these off the island.

Spanking -- let's give her a good spanking.

I can dig it.

Yeah, I've had my ass whacked plenty of times in the seals.

I think a spanking might do her some good.

[Entire group pleads]

Angela: Let her stay!

Babette: It's so mean. Come on.

Oh. Spanking?

A spanking?

You mean a good smack on the ass?

I like that idea. So, Monica, you game?

Cliff, I trust the judgment of my sisters.

I'm willing to submit.

Listen up. All right, the good news is... we'll do it.

The bad news is this is your last chance.

Next time this happens, whoever gets voted, she's out of here.

Is that clear?

Ruby [os]: Clear.

Dallas [os]: Okay, cliff.

Aye, aye.

Back in Sunday school, we

used to get a big hit. But I won't do that.

Aw.

Bend over, babe!

What are you going to do to me?!

[Laughs]

Take it like a man!

Monica [os]: [Squeals]

[Laughs]

I wish I was the one who was

ousted because this is kind of turning me on.

Ooh!

I feel kind of guilty, but I want another round of spanking.

Ooh!

Oh, I do little tap.

Mmm.

[Giggles]

Babette [os]: Just kidding!

[Laughter]

Huh.

Oh, yeah -- butt bongos!

Aah!

[Giggles]

Monica: Hell, no, cliff!

No, cliff, that's my girl.

[Waves crashing]

Where you going? What- wait! Wait a minute!

Aw. Aw, man, this really sucks. Man-haters.

All right, look -- okay, so i'm a nice guy, okay?

Somebody was supposed to get

kicked off the island last night.

I let it slide.

What can I say? I mean, who knows?

Maybe I'll get Monica yet.

You know what I mean? All right.

Cliff [os]: So, what's the deal with this naked day?

Ever since I was 16 years old, my brother told me that the

first Monday of every month was naked day.

I thought that was a great idea, and so did everyone else.

I mean, everyone was so supportive of it.

My stepdad, my cousins, my neighbors-

they all loved naked day.

I can't believe that you haven't heard of it.

Cliff [os]: So, uh, what do you think of Angela?

Well, you know what?

Actually, it's kind of different for me to see that.

It kind of makes me a little bit uncomfortable.

I'm not really used to women-

people just running round naked.

I wasn't really raised that way,

so it's a little different for me.

I mean, I think I could get used

to it, but it's definitely different.

And you even get a prize for naked day.

The next morning, you wake up,

and there's a shiny half-dollar under your pillow.

It's so great.

I mean, it's like the tooth fairy, only he's straight.

Cliff [os]: So, Monica, I mean, what about Angela, you know, taking

off her clothes all the time?

Don't you think that gives her an unfair advantage?

Well, she was showing off the goods, you know, doing a little

bit of advertising. But two can play at that game.

Cliff [os]: Oh, so, you want to advertise a little bit too?

Sorry. Soon, but not now.

Angela's kind of out there -- you know, oo-hoo, oo-hoo!

So what if I'm naked?

I don't see what the big deal is.

I mean, I'm here on a deserted island with a bunch of chicks.

I should be allowed to be naked.

I don't understand.

It's just me and some girls... And you...

And 40 million viewers.

Oh, my god!

Cliff [os]: What did you think of Angela's, like, naked day thing?

Naked day thing? I don't know.

I'm not really too concerned about it.

I feel sorry for her, really.

I mean, what the hell's she gonna do if we get raided?

She's got nowhere to keep a weapon.

You know what I mean? It's all about weaponry,

especially if you can't fight. This chick -- I give her a day.

She won't survive.

Naked day thing? Naked day this.

Are you [bleep] come on, now.

What the hell is that shit?

[Scoffs]

Who the [bleep] does she

think she is, bossing me around like that?

Who died and made her queen of the island?

She can just kiss my ass. [Chuckles]

Kiss my ass!

Cliff [os]: What do you really think of Angela?

Oui, oui, but can my darling

Pierre survive without his babette?

That is the question.

And that bitch slut sister of mine better keep her hands off

my beautiful boyfriend, or I'll stick a cheese knife in her ear.

You know, uh, Angela, you know, about that, uh, that-

that -- that ass kissing?

Uh-huh.

I -- well, well, like, you know, were you -- were you

serious about that with Ruby? You know, she can kiss your ass?

Yeah, she can definitely kiss my ass.

Okay, 'cause, listen -- if she's not around, I mean, I

can -- I can fill in that job. I mean, I'm really good at it.

I've had a lot of practice, and I figured maybe -- and if you

want that money, you know, a little kiss --

are you serious?

Oh yeah, yeah. I mean you got...

You know, why, sure. I would be honored.

Cliff, you may be the only guy on the island--

but not even then. Ugh.

This not only is medicinal and great for any sort of cuts

you may happen to get, but the liquid inside of these, if you

can crack them open and get some of the juice and rub it on your

skin, it makes great camouflage material.

They sent US out here with very little stuff, so I've been

having to collect the seaweed to be able to camo myself.

When I'm done, I think I want to do a playboy layout, and

I'd like it to be done in this.

I'm so hungry.

It's grumbling.

Angela [os]: It's saying, "feed me! Feed me!"

No, it's not. It's, like, saying...

"Buh-blah, buh-buh-buh-buh bah."

Oh, come on, guys.

I'm gonna die unless we get some food -- let's go.

Wait, I have found food.

Ooh-la-la, mmm.

Ew! Gross!

Dallas: Ugh!

Angela: I can't be-- oh, no!

Dallas: Oh, animal cruelty!

Babette: Ah.

Yuck!

Ew!

But this is a delicacy in France.

Dallas: That is so disgusting. I am calling peta!

I'm leaving!

They do not know what they are missing.

Mmm. Yum, yum! Yum, yum!

Oh, yum, yum! Oh, I am so happy!

Oh! Mmm, mmm!

Sure, I could feed the rest of them, but that would be

fraternizing with the enemy.

And make no mistake, they're definitely the enemy.

Down!

[Spitting]

Damn, that needs ketchup.

[Tribal music]

Hi, it's me -- cliff probate. Remember?

Anyway, the girls are put up for the night.

They're tucked in, ready to go. They're tired.

They're hungry, and frankly... I don't give a damn.

Is there a strip club around here, guys?

Crew member [os]: Yeah, there's the, uh, belly buttons.

Belly buttons? Let's go. Good night.

Monica [os]: Be naughty?

Lick ear? Oh...

[Both laugh]

Angela [os]: Squeeze above waist.

Squeeze above waist.

[Both laugh]

Aah!

Kiss lips.

What?

[Both laugh]

I love being here, but no one

explained to me this "lack of food" thing.

Hey, Cheryl, does the Bible say anything gnarly about

cannibalism like, "dude, don't do it"?

It's not one of the 10 commandments.

I mean, I don't think.

Well, dang, she sure does look tasty.

Cheryl: What are you doing? Ew.

Hey, did you guys find any food?

Uh, yeah.

I don't know what came over Dallas.

It really tripped me out. It really scared me.

I thought she was a vegetarian.

God, I mean, it was just a joke, dude.

Like, chill.

I mean, I'm a vegetarian, for Christ's sakes.

I might want to go down on Angela, but I would never want

to eat her, and that's a fact.

It wasn't a joke. I saw a real darkness in Dallas.

I mean, I don't know if the Bible says anything about

cannibalism or not, but I don't think is says anything about

masturbation, either.

Come on, you guys, let's pray. Let's ask the lord for food.

Please, lord, please give US something to eat.

I promise I'll never fuck father O'Reilly or sister Anita

or those really cute altar boys ever again, I promise.

I don't think it's working.

Okay, and I promise I'll use

the confession booth only for confessions.

And the televangelist with the really small wiener--

he's history.

I can definitely help her.

Everyone: Amen.

Ruby: Hallelujah.

[Tribal music]

They were pathetic, going,

"please, please, god, give me food."

That's not how you get food.

So, Monica, what would you do for some food?

Well, do you have any?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do.

Mmm. How 'bout that?

Come to papa. Come on.

Oh, come on, cliff. Please. Please.

I really am hungry.

Cliff [os]: Look at her go.

Is it good?

Oh man, what I could do with that.

Angela [os]: Hey, Cheryl.

Hi.

I have a question for you.

What's that?

Have you ever kissed a girl before?

Well, no.

Have you ever French-kissed a girl before?

No.

Has a girl ever kissed your neck?

No.

Angela [os]: Have you ever touched a girl before?

No, never.

I want to do...

[Whispers in ear]

Cheryl [os]: Oh, mmm!

Cheryl [os]: Oh, mmm!

What are you guys doing in here?

Angela: Oh, my god, busted.

If you were in the corps--

you'd be court-martialed right now, you [bleep] lesbians.

She's just backed up.

[Laughter]

Cheryl [os]: I heard we might be getting something from home today.

Angela: Really, like our vibrators?

Cheryl [os]: Mm, maybe.

Greetings, survivor chicks.

Cliff, what is that for?

Okay, I know a lot of you

have been missing home, so I got

a nice big surprise for you.

We made a recording of someone very special to each of you.

I'm gonna play a little bit of that recording right now.

[Dog barking]

Oh, my god, it's thunder. It's my dog, thunder!

Oh, I love him so much. Is he okay? I miss him.

Oh, my god, thunder is so cute!

Okay, okay, that's enough, thunder.

Okay, next... Dallas.

Who's that?

[Oink! Oink! Oink!]

Wilbur!

Oh, my god, my pot-bellied pig!

Oh, dude, I want to come home and see you soon.

Aw, bye-bye!

[Oink, oink!]

All right, say goodbye to wilbur.

Next!

Monica, who's that?

Oh, waffles! My pet, waffles!

Duh, rabbits don't make noise.

It's a rabbit. It's a rabbit.

Okay, say goodbye to waffles.

All right, who's next?

Ah, babette, eh, oui, oui, parlez-vous?

Here we go. Ooh-la-la!

[Cat meowing]

Oh, that is my puss-puss!

Oh, this is the bestest cat in the world.

Oh, puss-puss, I shall be home soon.

Mwah!

I love puss-puss. Say goodbye to puss-puss.

Okay. All right, sarge, you're up. Here we go.

[Donkey brays]

Francis! Francis! Oh, my god.

Oh, I'm gonna make you so proud.

Okay, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

We sent a recording, but we got no response from your family.

[Garbled barking]

What was that?

Cliff [os]: It's not the greatest...

What was that? Was that my dog?

Cliff: That wasn't your dog.

Cheryl: That was my dog! My dog!

Cliff [os]: That was not your dog!

My dog!

[Barking continues] [Drowning sounds]

Cliff [os]: Cheryl, I'm telling you, it wasn't your dog!

Cheryl: That was my dog!

Cliff [os]: It wasn't!

Cliff, you're a jerk!

Cliff [os]: No, it wasn't me. It was -- it was...

God, you jerk!

Honest to god! Ruby, what are you doing?

Ruby, Ruby, no! Ruby, the knife!

Ruby, Jesus Christ!

Put the knife down!

Cliff [os]: Help!

[Mid-tempo music plays]

♪ Can't get you out of my

mind ♪

♪ I see you, but to the world,

I'm blind ♪

♪ if this is the start of a

love ♪

♪ then this is proof of heaven

above ♪

♪ I watch you when you're not

aware ♪

♪ when you move, I can't help

but stare ♪

♪ if this is the start of a

love ♪

♪ then this is proof of heaven

above ♪

♪ tell you I love you out of my

sight ♪

♪ please let's not say good

night ♪

♪ for one perfect moment

you are mine ♪

♪ let's make this moment last a

lifetime ♪

♪ I want you

♪ ahh, hey

[instrumental]

Wow, it was amazing.

I went up this trail.

It was the most beautiful trail

with the most beautiful 80-foot waterfall.

And I climbed it in like 45 minutes.

Oh, dude, it was an awesome experience.

Cliff [os]: Really?

Yeah, and I cut my knee too. Look.

Oh, the ocean's beautiful.

I love it.

I love being on butta cheeka.

Cliff [os]: Do you think you'll ever go home?

Only with a butt-load of cash.

[Imitates phone ringing]

Ugh, hold on.

Hello? Yeah, this is Angela.

No, I do not want to change long-distance carriers.

Will you please stop calling me?! Ugh!

Who was that?

Damn telemarketer!

Ew.

No shit.

Won't leave me alone!

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

once, I was attacked by this

Iraqi soldier and I really was

not expecting it.

It pretty much threw me

off-guard, but he ran.

You know, he charged me and he

just nailed his head into the

right side of my breast and,

well...

He lost an ear.

But he's a really great guy

and, ah, you know, he's now --

he's now, um, working with children.

So, I don't know, I mean, I

think everyone has a lesson to learn in life, you know?

And I think maybe his was just

to never run forward with your head down, you know?

Babette, all the girls are cooperating.

They all want the $1 million, okay?

And I really, really want to help you out.

You're my favorite, okay?

And I -- it would mean a lot to me if you won.

So I want to do whatever I can to help you along, okay?

Now, it's like Angela, she

was -- she was very, very nice to me.

If you know what I mean.

And Monica, she was very, very huggy-poo.

And, Ruby, well...

And then there was, uh, Cheryl.

And -- and we were very, very close.

Mm-hmm.

And -- and I just want you to win.

So if there's anything that, you know, uh... oh...Uh...

Wait, wait, wait, my darling little cliff.

Yes, yes...

You will have to do something for babette.

I'll do anything.

Anything?

Anything.

Anything at all?

Anything at all.

Well, you must do this one

thing for me before I can do anything for you.

Yeah, well anything.

Anything. I swear.

You must give me a striptease, my dear cliff.

A what?

A striptease.

I would like you to strip for me.

I must see what I'm getting before I give you anything.

And -- and -- and if -- if I do that... what do I get?

Well, cliff, we will have to

talk about that when the time comes.

But it's looking hopeful.

Well, well, well there's no guarantee here?

Well, that is, you know, such is life.

But I must see what I'm getting before I give you anything.

Oh, okay, what if we, oh...

What if we work it out a little bit?

Just you start, and then I'll go, and then you go some more.

No, no, no. No deal.

Just a little.

No, no.

The deal is you strip for me or nothing.

Well, it, uh... Nothing?

Nothing.

Va-va-va!

All right, cliff.

Va-va-va-va!

Take that shirt off.

Oh, baby. Go, baby! Go, baby!

Take off your shirt.

Uh-oh.

Ooh, baby! Yeah! Oh, baby! Oh!

I can't even get this -- oh, baby!

Ah, you know what, cliff?

[Record scratches]

I changed my mind. You go to the other girls.

No deal. I changed my mind.

This is over.

What are you, kidding me?

No, I am not kidding. This is all through.

That's not -- that's not fair!

That's not right. You're...

Well, I am sorry, but I decided to change my mind.

That is it.

[Bleep] French girls! What a bitch!

Yes, I know. We are so finicky.

But that is just -- such is life, you know?

Here you go, baby! Here you go, baby!

No, no. Go to the other girls.

Get! Scoot!

Bitch!

Oh, well.

Oh, god!

[Groans]

Déjà vu.

This is not déjà vu.

This is chocolate.

Chocolate?

Hey, what shoe size are you anyways, frenchie?

Tres petite.

Tres petite?

Then I guess we're not the only

ones on this island after all, now, are we?

Mmm.

Ruby [os]: Let me have some of that.

Good chocolate.

That's not chocolate. That's shit.

[Farting]

Oh, guys, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Ew, Monica, that's gross.

Yeah, like, we don't want to know, okay?

Cheryl: Can't you be like the other girls and just not go at all?

Dallas [os]: Yeah, like, what's wrong with you?

Dallas [os]: Yeah, like, what's wrong with you?

Dallas [os]: It's like you can't take her anywhere.

God, she's taking forever.

I know.

God, what bitches.

Like this isn't a normal function or something.

[Bigfoot roars]

Oh my god, guys! Help!

Monica, it's not like we have any t.P. Or anything.

Yeah.

[Growling]

It's big! It's brown!

Monica, we don't want to hear about it, okay?!

[Farts loudly]

Ew!

It's got fur!

Gross, gross, gross!

Help!

[Both screaming]

Ew, gross!

[Yowling]

And it was big and brown.

I know.

Yuck.

Ew, are you still talking about that?

Ugh, just ignore her.

I know.

And so Ruby, the queen bee,

suggested that we form groups and investigate.

Ew, girl, what is that?

That's Elvis' grave!

Cheryl [os]: I heard he died on an island.

Oh, he was my favorite.

Really?

Mm-hmm. I can do the Elvis pelvic little rock.

Unh-unh-unh, unh-unh-unh, unh!

What do you think?

Fantastic, girl. Right on.

Come on, let's go.

Oh my god, what is this?

Oh, ugh.

What do you think it is?

I have no idea. It looks like some crazy creature.

Do you think there's animals out here?

I surely hope not.

Well, I dare you to touch it.

No, I no touch. I'm scared.

You know, in France we are

great fans of the underarm hair, but not this.

This is disgusting.

We'd better find Ruby.

We'd better. She will know how to handle this.

Let's go.

Of course I was scared.

I mean, we're out here in the wild, and, I mean, who knows

what creatures can just come up on you?

Where should I go to the bathroom?

So ah, you know, Cheryl, that money, I can -- I can really

make it work for you. I got -- I got ways of getting

that money for you, you know what I mean?

Excuse me, cliff!

Well, um, what I mean is, see, uh, you know, I got

connections with Jesus, too. And I figured maybe we do a little--

[tribal music]

"The next prize is the best yet.

A friendly voice who needs a vet."

Who writes these?

Today's challenge will be to

attract wild animals with fake mating calls.

The girl to attract the best animal will not only get to

listen to the entire recording,

but will receive total immunity from tonight's tribal council.

Any questions?

Yes. Is the animal -- is it male or female?

Male.

Oh, good!

You will have 15 seconds. Any more questions?

And Ruby goes first. Ruby?

[Imitating bird call]

[Bird chirping]

[Bird call continues]

[Bird chirping]

[Bird call continues]

[Bird chirping]

Way to go, baby!

Moo! Moo! Moo, moo! Moo, moo! Moo!

[Elephant trumpets]

Aah! Aww.

Way to go, Dallas. Way to go.

[Hissing]

[Snake hissing]

V-Very good job, Cheryl.

Oh, nice snake.

Beautiful, god bless.

Oh, it bit me! I'm killing it!

Cute but deadly.

Come, come, come.

Come, come, come, come, come. Come, come, come, come, come.

Mwah! Viva, babette!

Oh, my god!

Come, come, come, come, come.

Oh, come, come, come, come, come.

Oh, come, come, come, come!

[Animal snarling]

Come, come, come, come! Oh, meow! Meow!

Oh, oh, look! My little puss-puss! Oh!

[Skunk purrs]

Oh, little puss-puss! Oh, I like you.

I like you a lot. Ooh.

Mmm, you smell like puss-puss, too!

Stinky, but nice!

Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

Mrowr! Mrowr! Mrowr! Rowr! Rowr!

[Tiger roars]

Oh, he's so pretty, like my pussy. Oh...

[Purrs]

Oh, god! Angela!

Oh! Oh! Oh, baby! Oh! Oh! Oh, baby!

[Grunting]

Oh! Oh, baby!

[Grunting]

Oh! Oh, baby!

[Gorilla snorts]

Oh! Oh!

[Gorilla grunting]

Aah!

[Gorilla screeching]

[All screaming]

Thank you. Oh, I need a drink.

You know, you guys out there in TV land, you think this is such

an easy job, huh?

Yeah, right, this is no [bleep] day at the beach.

These girls, talk about high maintenance.

There's no elevator going

upstairs, you know what i'm saying?

You know what I got to put up with?

You know what I'm going through?

Oh, you have no idea what i'm going through.

Surrounded by six naked women?

I mean, I was expecting to touch something soft.

Soft? What do I get soft?

I get a [bleep] gorilla humping my leg!

That's what I get soft! I-I-I can't take it anymore!

Cliff, cliff, come here. I must talk to you.

I must tell everyone the truth. Come, come, now.

Cliff, I am so sick of this bullshit.

These women, they don't know how to do anything.

It's just bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I'm just over it.

You know what I mean?

All right, this is the deal. I have to tell you the truth.

I just...

I faked this whole entire thing because I thought it would make

me cool or something, but the truth is...

[Normal voice] You know what? Fuck it!

I'm not really French. I'm from the Bronx, and all I

want is a fucking slice of pizza, okay?

You know I'm sick --

these girls, these girls, they can't even find any food.

They don't know what to do.

They don't know how to make shelter.

They don't know anything. They bitch, they complain.

I'm sick of it, you know what I mean?

Fuck this French shit. I'm just -- I'm American.

That's all I am. So here I am and by the way, I

hope this doesn't hurt my chances of winning.

So, uh, Cheryl, you know, 25 days on the island alone.

Six naked women.

I mean, you know, it's got to be making you a little...

Ah, how can I say this? Um, you know, a little hot?

You know, edgy? Feisty?

Well, you know...

Well, I can't say this out loud. It's got to be a secret.

I won't tell...

Really?

And that's it.

But you're religious!

I'm religious.

Come here, you!

Dear lord, forgive me. I'm about to sin.

[Moaning]

[Moaning]

[Moaning]

Wha!

Okay, survivors, today's challenge will be the most

important aspect for survival -- first aid.

Two of your tribemates have just been in a terrible,

terrible boating accident.

Oh my god, really?

No, it's just pretend.

Ruby: He's joking. Cheryl: Oh! Oh, okay.

Cliff [os]: All right.

Cliff [os]: Angela and Dallas, I need you in the water now.

Wait! We have one requirement.

Um, you -- you need to be topless because -- because we

don't want anything to get in the way.

We don't want any accidents happening here. All right?

Cliff [os]: Go! Hurry! Come on!

What are you waiting for? Go, go, go!

All right, everybody else... First positions!

Angela and Dallas: Help! Help! Help US! Help US! Help!

[Whistle blows]

Cliff [os]: Hurry! They're dying! Go! Run!

Ooh.

Monica: She needs mouth-to-mouth.

Ruby [os]: All right. Give it to her.

Oh, Monica, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, ooh!

I think you better do it again, yeah!

Monica: It's not working!

Oh, oh, yeah.

Ruby: Okay.

Oh, way to go, Ruby! That's good, that's good!

Soldier, soldier!

All right, that's not gonna work.

It's just not gonna work, all right?

Cheryl: Let's try this.

Oh!

Monica: Oh, that's not working. That's not working.

Ruby: No, it's not working. It's not working.

You're going to have to take your top off.

She's suffering from hypothermia.

Skin to skin.

Oh, god. Rock on. Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Come on, do something else! She needs those pants off.

She's suffocating.

Okay.

Cliff [os]: Oh, oui, oui, babette, eh!

Oh, oh, that's beautiful.

Cliff [vo]: Oh, Angela! Oh, oh, those hips!

You're killing me over here!

Oh, parlez-vous, baby!

Okay, it's not working! It's just not working.

All right, go lower!

Ooh, oh!

Ruby: Go lower.

Now, Cheryl, they did not teach you that in Sunday school. No!

Coochie-coochie coo!

Cliff [os]: Oh, yeah!

Coochie-coochie coo!

[Moaning]

Ruby [os]: Here she comes!

[Moaning]

Ruby [os]: It's working!

Oh!

[Laughs]

Cheryl [os]: Let the professional do it!

Oh! Oh!

Babette [os]: Ah, that is very French.

It's working! Is that good enough, cliff?

Cliff? Cliff?

[Laughter]

Hello, pizza place?

Yeah, I'd like a jumbo pizza with everything on it.

Hold the anchovies. Yeah, I'm on butta cheeka.

That's "b" as in butt. "Ch" as in cheeka.

Voilà! I knew this would come in handy.

Oh, thank you! Right on!

Angela [os]: I told you it worked.

Hot damn, I need a slice!

Ruby: All right.

Cheryl: Right on.

Cheryl: Who had the mushroom?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, me! Me, me, me!

Ooh, me! Me, me, me!

You know, I mean, it's -- it's just not fair.

I mean, you know, when I took this job, you know, I promised I

would be tough and I would be, you know, in control.

These girls are walking all over me.

I get no respect, you know?

I mean, well, that's all gonna change.

I'm tired. I'm done. That's it. They're toast.

Angela [os]: Ooh, what do you have?

Cheryl [os]: Ooh, girl, what did you bring?

Everyone: Oh yeah! Right on!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Oh! Nice!

Angela: Ooh, mine, mine, mine, mine! Ooh, yeah, baby!

Toilet paper!

Oh, toilet paper!

Oh my gosh, we were looking for some of this.

Definitely!

These are mine.

Oh, you're gonna have to share those with me, okay?

What are these?

Dallas [os]: Ugh, cliff!

Babette: Ah, that cliff! That cliff!

Angela: Wishful thinking.

Oh, fuck! [Bleep]

I got to take that again, man.

I [bleep] up my lines, all right?

I [bleep] up my lines. I stuttered.

I got to do it over.

Randy [os]: It's okay, man. We've got it. It's a wrap.

No, fuck that [bleep] Randy. I want to do it over, all right?

I [bleep] up my lines. Let's do it again. Come on.

Hey, look, Mr. Probate. This is a reality show.

It's okay. And it's about chicks.

It's not about Mr. Probate.

Excuse me? Who the fuck [bleep] are you?

You're some [bleep] P.A.! Get the [bleep] out of here!

Randy! Randy, I want to take this again or I quit!

Call my [bleep] agent, man! I'm out of here!

I want to take one more take, all right?

Where you going?

Randy [os]: Leaving you on the island!

Hey, fuck you [bleep] you son of a bitch!

Hey! Hey! Fuck! I hate this job!

[Music plays]

This whole time always following me around.

This boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. I am just sick of it.

Do you understand me? I will show you.

Babette will show you what a real boom, boom, boom is.

Okay? You stay tuned.

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

[Spiritual music]

Well, gosh, uh, you know, other than the money, I'm really

hoping to get, like, some sort of endorsement from this.

Whether it be, like, a modeling job or a contract or something,

I think I could... I think I could do any of that stuff.

So I'm hoping to go further than this, definitely.

The old -- the old cliff is back.

Mr. Probate. Forget about it.

Somebody's going. Somebody's going tonight.

Heads are gonna fucking roll.

And I'm telling you, I'm gonna not -- I swear to you -- i'm

gonna not let these girls walk all over me anymore.

Heads will roll. Mark my words.

Tune in. Tonight's the night. Somebody's gonna get it.

Cliff [os]: So, Angela, uh, how are you

preparing for your tribal council?

Okay, I've got this wonderful system worked out.

It's not going to affect my Karma in any way.

I am going to vote alphabetically.

Alphabetically?

Yeah.

Angela, your name is Angela. It begins with an "a."

Okay, well, I'll do it by last names.

Your last name is "Adams." It also begins with an "a."

Shit!

I really need some time to work this out.

Oh, it's gonna be a long day.

Cliff [os]: Welcome to your tribal council. Unfortunately, tonight, you'll

have to vote one of your tribe off of the island.

The one who receives the most

votes will be asked to leave the island immediately.

I am now going to ask you to cast your votes.

Bye-bye, cliff. You ain't all that.

I just got sick of him. And you know what?

It's not a man's world anymore.

So, cliff... You're out of here, buddy.

Cliff has got to go.

See ya later, alligator.

And the votes are in. Again, the one who receives the

most votes will be asked to leave the island immediately.

Cliff [os]: And the first vote is...

Angela.

Angela: Oh, shit!

What are you, fucking kidding me?

I'm the host, man!

You can't fucking kick me off this island.

See that?

What the fuck are you guys thinking, man?

What the fuck's wrong with you? Fuck you!

You can't kick me off this island.

That vote doesn't count.

All I got to say is,

there better not be another cliff in here, all right?

Fuck you! Fuck all of yas, all right?

I hate your fucking guts!

Cliff, you're a pervert.

Cliff, yeah? This is what I think of your vote.

Okay? Okay?

I'm sorry, cliff. You got to go.

Cliff, you rule, but not on this island.

I mean, what are you staring at?

Okay, look.

What about the money, right? What about the $1 million?

Why you're here? Doesn't that mean anything to you guys?

I can get you that money. Don't you -- don't you care?

The council has spoken. Are you gonna do something about it?

All right, fine. I -- you know -- you guys are...

You're, like, mental, man. I don't -- I don't...

I'm going crazy over here. Forget it.

I mean, who needs you guys? You guys are all wacky, man.

You're whacked fucking out. You're out of your minds.

I don't need you guys. I don't need this job.

I'm fucking out of here. Good luck!

Dallas [os]: Bye-bye, cliff.

[Laughter]

Hey, guys, you know who I miss?

I kind of miss cliff.

Okay, not!

[Laughter]

[Sighs] Oh, well.

I can't believe it. I got kicked off the island.

Those broads kicked me off the island.

Me -- cliff probate. Who would have figured?

Go figure.

All right, okay, I admit it. I-I did cross the line.

I-I admit it. I shouldn't have done that.

But they didn't have to go kicking me off the island.

I did everything for them.

You know who I'm really pissed off about?

My brother -- the director, Randy.

He's my brother.

He should have looked out for me just a little bit, right?

Just a little bit. No.

I mean, I could have been a contender.

I could have went places.

But instead, I get a one-way ticket to palookaville...

And the bald chick.

39 days in this hellhole, I get the bald chick.

[Sighs]

All right, I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself.

I deserve it.

I got to go.

Um, thanks for tuning in.

This is cliff probate. Have a good night.

On my website, which is www.Julieksmith.Com -- a.K.A.,

Ruby -- these and numerous still

photos, and of course you'll get

to see, if you miss it -- the

actual show, that is -- who I vote off the island.

Hey, I have a website.

It's called shauna o'brien's women of the web, and you can

reach me at www.Shaunaobrien.Com.

Or at wow97.Com.

Come see me at www.Alexuswinston.Com.

You can find me at aimeesweet.Com.

Aimeesweet.com.

www.tessbroussard.com.

And it's got my resume, my swimsuit pictures, my lingerie

pictures, all my latest updates. So check it out.

Bye.

Aw, fuck! Randy, I want to take that again.

I fucked up on my lines, all right?

Randy [os]: No, man, it's all right. We got it.

We're gonna have coverage. It's cool. Don't worry about it.

What do you mean, it's all right, we got --

no, I want to take it again, okay?

I fucked up my lines. I fucking stuttered, all right?

I'm not gonna fucking stutter on nationwide TV. You got it?

I want to take another take, all right?

Uh, Mr. Probate, this is a reality show.

It really doesn't matter.

Fuck the rea-- fuck -- get -- I'm gonna fucking kill somebody!

Randy [os]: Don't do that, god damn it!

Fuck the reality TV.

Sound guy [os]: This fucking thing's fragile, you son of a bitch.

Crew member: Okay, time out, man. Time out.

[Indistinct shouting]

[Intro to "barely surviving" plays]

Cheryl, we are the gods of lipstick.

Monica, don't say that. There's only one you-know-who.

Dear lord, thank you for this blessing that we're about to

receive, and I promise... Ugh.

Why can I not remember this?

"Not to back-stab anyone. Can you please send me some

lipstick and foundation and nail Polish?"

I don't know why I couldn't remember that part.

[Laughing] You're cute.

I'll get it this time.

Take two.

[Laughs]

Dear lord, thank you for this

blessing that we're about to receive.

I promise that I won't back-stab anybody on this trip.

[Laughs]

We are the --

[both laugh]

You got to stop laughing before I start.

We are the gods of lipstick.

Monica, don't say that.

[Laughs]

Crew member [os]: "Dear lord." Oh, after you...

Angela: Ew, gross!

Dallas [os]: Ugh!

Babette: Mmm!

Yuck!

Cheryl: Ew.

But this is a delicacy in France.

[Laughs]

Dallas [os]: Oh, animal cruelty.

Crew memeber [os]: Cut.