Original subtitles

[funky instrumental]

I call it the Jayne Payne Weathervane.

'Cause when this baby sells, Mama's gonna make it rain.

- This looks amazing, Jayner. - Staged it myself.

You sure did!

Thank you so much for letting us host the talent show here.

Please, my sellers were dying to lend it

when they heard that Tegan and Sara

are headlining the Boathouse's last talent show.

Last talent show.

I can't even say it without starting to cry.

But we are gonna go out in style.

I am bringing the Juno award winners,

- and you're bringing... - Land sell cheques.

Right here.

Gosh, Maisy, it must be so cool working with celebs.

We're just people.

Well, if you want a chance to meet them,

you could do me a little favor,

could you pick up Tegan and Sara from the airport?

You are my favourite person, after my facialist,

and no one knows the roads better than you.

I drive all my clients to their viewings,

rain or shine, always on time.

That's the promise of Payne.

Payne, promise, I'm still workshopping it.

Timing is tight, Teegs and Sara are doing

a 30-minute set, and then, they're off to Cleveland.

I will not let you down.

Could this be the start of Jayne Payne,

realtor to the stars?

[gasps] Can you imagine?

Oh, no, I need to prep my car.

All of my Aqua Spin bras are drying in the back seat.

[Victor applauding]

Maisers dummies Jayne, and she's out of the game. Nice.

Well, I had to get rid of her

to redo this "Bed, Bath and Beyond" basic staging.

You're so hot when you take off the gloves.

We have been so wrapped up with my mom,

- and your midlife hissy fit. - Search for purpose.

That I forgot that we work best as a team,

- towards a common goal. - Reverse cowgirl.

- My new Boathouse. - New Boathouse?

But the land sold, and everyone's coming out

to pick up the cut of the payout.

Because my mom is a very persuasive libertarian,

but I will not let her liber-tear this lake apart.

As soon as they see an A-list celebrity talent show,

they're gonna be screaming for a new Boathouse.

The queen is back. Let me kiss the ring.

Call me queen again.

[Flying Buff, Ma-Less: "Ser Tu Mismo"]

♪ Got all the love I need ♪

♪ Coming to me closely asking how you can succeed ♪♪

[Justin] Daddy is ready to par-tay.

- Gross. - No,

sob-watching three seasons of "Slut Island,"

'cause your ex left for Paris, is gross.

But that was yesterday me.

Tonight, we rock asymmetrical mullets,

and we fangirl hard,

and when Riley sees that we've become besties

with Tegan and Sara, he's gonna regret everything,

but too late, mate!

I've already found love

with their steamy trainer, Dashiel.

Why do you have Riley's mail?

'Cause he knew you'd get into it.

- That's sus. - [Billie sighs]

You know that "sports lab" means STDs

or 'roids for gym queens, right?

Is my pee hole about to spit lava?

- Ew, boundaries, Justin. - I'm opening it.

[Billie] Boundaries!

It's illegal to open someone else's mail.

Well, it's illegal to keep my pee hole in the dark.

Or wear that much lash on Daddy/daughter day.

Please, please stop using "Daddy".

And I have plans today.

Can we rain check, please?

On Tegan and Sara day?

I know, I know, I'm sorry,

but I kind of asked someone over,

and you would be the best ever if you left the cabin.

- For an hour. - Only if you tell me,

does someone's name rhyme with Shmorrest?

That is none of your schmizniz.

[Justin] Well, your schmizniz is here.

- [gasp] Why is Forrest here? - 'Cause you're a teenage horndog.

- I invited Ivy over. - The one that fired you?

- Right before she kissed me? - Go off, girl!

You have to help me get rid of him.

I'll just tell him that you're exploring

the richness of human sexual expression. It's beautif...

I'll tell him-I'll talk to him Just.. just, uhh,

just.. just, just stay here!

In case Ivy shows. Thank you.

Fine.

- [footsteps thumping] - [door creaks open]

- [Billie] Put it back, Justin! - I didn't touch it!

I didn't.

Oh, God.

Hey, hey, hey.

- [Forrest] Hello. - [Billie] Um, what are you doing here?

I'm asking this girl to the drive-in tonight.

Yeah, that sounds like a text conversation,

you kn... whoa.

And I need some clean clothes.

- Of course. - Yeah.

So, Kombuch, what do you say?

You want to eat popcorn, and make out in the parking lot?

I do like popcorn.

- Yeah, okay. Yeah. - Yeah?

- We'll just be quick. - Sure.

- Like, one load, though. - Okay.

Just the whites.

[upbeat instrumental]

[Mimsy] ♪ Ah, whatcha gonna do now... ♪♪

[Opal] Let's try this again. I need more emotion.

What does it mean to you,

what is the meaning of this song itself?

Let's try it again.

♪ Whatcha gonna do when I'm gone? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when I'm gone? Whatcha gon... ♪♪

What is this?

A serve.

Yeah, we're rehearsing for tonight.

As a Bee Gees cover band?

Nana will bring the house down

with Chilliwack's devastating "Whatcha Gonna Do?"

It's the fundamental questions that resonate.

It's the Boathouse's last talent show.

What's better than a dying woman's last song?

[footsteps approaching]

Opal, can I get your advice on appies for tonight?

- Appies? - Yeah, your dad thought

it would be a good idea to have themed bites,

so how about "Vegan Tegan-tots

- and Sara Cream"? - I'll handle this.

♪ Ooh, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪♪

Rest your voice, Nana. We need it fresh and raw for tonight.

Like the oysters I need to order.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

You are gonna tell Opal that you are too sick

to perform in tonight's sad little hairband fantasy.

Oh, it's more prog rock than metal.

But you can't put Chilliwack in a box.

Mom, Tegan and Sara are very important clients of mine

doing me a personal favor.

I cannot have you embarrassing me.

As you wish.

That was easy.

Maisy, I'm trying to help.

What you're doing for the lake is wonderful.

You know, when you were a girl, you would moan

about community soirees like talent shows.

I thought it was because you had no real talent

of your own to share.

Hmm.

You've really grown.

[laidback instrumental]

Oh, my... [sighs]

Do you want some snacks?

I made a vegetable tray. Not that all lesbians are vegetarians.

[laughs] I mean, not that you're even a lesbian, I would offer you meat,

I mean, if you want meat, not that kind of meat, I mean,

I could offer you this hummus I made.

[door clicks open]

Hey.

[both] Hey.

Sorry, I was just doin' my laundry.

And you know, I've decided that I love...

love my old stuff,

so we can go ahead, and return the new clothes.

But I love the new stuff.

Like, love it.

So maybe, you should try it on first, see if it fits.

But the old clothes are super cute, Justin,

and they make me feel snatched.

Oh, I feel you. I've got this ratty old pair

of overalls I just can't let go of.

Super tough.

Justin, can you go check on my load?

- Boundaries. - [whispering] Justin.

Relax.

I'll be gentle with your delicates.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Oh, and make sure you separate them.

Yes, I will...

- separate. - [Billie] Thank you.

- It is important. - [door shuts closed]

It's important.

- He is, like... - Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

[quirky instrumental]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, sorry, Whoreen, Maisy said no home brews.

It's just dessert wine.

Oy, I love me a 90 proof fruity cough syrup.

But I think we know how Claire gets

- when she gets into it, huh? - [Whoreen] Oh.

- Yeah, so... - [clears throat]

Maisy just wants tonight to be a class act.

Turn around! Take 'em back!

Thank you.

Hey, babe, you might wanna light a match

before it gets in the leather.

Maisy asked me to pick up Tegan and Sara.

So I'm giving the car just, like, a light lavender misting,

because artists are very sensitive to smells, so...

Well, then, don't stop for a burrito on the way.

- Remember, last time... - Maisy is doing me

this incredible favor,

so everything has to go perfectly.

She offloaded a four-hour drive on you.

If anything, you're doing Maisy the favor.

She's giving me a shot

at the celebrity real estate game.

If I play this right,

I could have my very own Bravo franchise.

"Cabin Flip Bitch."

[gasps]

Wait, Jaynie, if this is your moment...

you can't grab it with your hands at ten and two.

Hear me out. I come with, I drive back.

That way, you can work your magic on Lady Oasis.

Fine. But no talking to the sisters.

- [Wayne] Zip. - This has to be super profesh.

[snaps fingers] Then we should take my sea plane.

You can't fly it.

Tegan and Sara don't know that.

[sighs] Okay.

Yeah, we should drive.

Uh, good hummus.

My mom got Justin,

- like, really into legumes. - Ooh.

Yeah.

So, uh...

- Okay, so, Ivy... - [Ivy] I know.

Things have been weird

- since I fired you. - Kissed me.

Uh, for the record, I wasn't your boss

when I kissed you, so not...

not creepy.

But, uh, here.

It's a reference letter.

I may have slightly exaggerated your tree-planting skills,

but not your commitment to climate action.

Maybe, it'll help get another internship.

Ivy, this is so...

And I'm sorry for kissing you, too.

I should have waited for enthusiastic consent,

but your non-verbal cues

felt like a green light, so I just...

No, they were totally flashing.

Like, "Go."

Like, "Turn right at the sign.

Or left."

I don't drive yet.

Okay, so maybe, uh, not sorry then.

Ivy, you know the only reason I threw the laundry party

was to impress you?

- You were trying to impress me? - Yeah.

I've been trying to impress you

since you saved me in the woods.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry about that, too.

- For saving me? - No, no, no,

for getting, like, weird about NCI.

I...

[sighs] I applied for the same internship,

but they straight up ghosted me.

And here's this literal queen

with my internship, so I know she's smart,

and of course, she's stunning.

And I was just all up in my head

about running my first crew,

but I couldn't stop thinking, girls like that

don't go for sweaty tree planters like me.

Well...

I don't know, Ivy, I, uh...

I think you'd be surprised what girls like me go for.

[serene instrumental]

If the non-verbals are right.

[Ivy chuckles]

[soft instrumental playing]

Oh, no, no, no. That's cool, Mr. Lovejoy.

I never sort my socks.

First, it's Justin.

I'm, like, barely a decade and a half

older than you, we're practically the same age.

Second, never, never, ever

say that in front of Billie.

The girl colour sorts with a label maker.

Okay. Noted.

And thanks for being so cool about her ditching

- Tegan and Sara Day. - Oh, yeah.

It's okay, and I owe you

for the next super exclusive VIP event

that comes to the lake...

never.

- Wonder what's keeping her? - Whoa!

[laughing] Forrest. Forrest.

You gorgeous creature.

Choosing the right date look takes time,

which gives us time to choose your look.

- Let's go! - Okay.

See what we're workin' with here.

- We got a couple of T-shirts. - I was thinking...

[Justin] No, no, no, we're not gonna wear blue.

Um, got whatever some of this is,

no plaid 'cause we're not into fall,

ratty old sweatpants?

Look, friend, I am not gonna lie,

this isn't looking good.

I've got some jeans in the dryer.

- Great. Put those on. - Okay.

[Justin] Perfect start, but I am gonna need you

to put a T-shirt on,

because I need my full focus.

Thank you so much for coming.

Are you excited for the Boathouse's

last talent show?

Oh, we can't wait.

We love "Barracuda".

That's Heart.

This is a different sister rock duo, Tegan and Sara.

Who owe it all to Sweden's sibling sensation, Ace of Base.

- Where are the cheques? - With Captain Crypto over there.

[Ulrika] Oh.

You have them. Halla!

Hey, Teegs, hey, Sara. How was your flight?

[Tegan] Great, but our ride's not here.

Oh.

No, there must be some mistake.

Sit tight, I will call you right back.

[Tegan] Okay.

[phone chiming]

- You gonna answer it, babe? - It's Maisy.

And don't call me babe.

Okay, well, tell her we got a huge flattie.

[phone continues chiming]

Maisy will lose it

if we're late to pick up Tegan and Sara,

she trusted me. [grunts]

Okay, well, maybe she can send Victor.

No.

[grunts]

He'll never make it with their turnaround!

I have to just pretend we're in a dead zone.

[sighs]

You have to fix this, Wayne.

This was my shot.

I mean, that's why she sent me to pick them up.

She believes in me. It's why she's so hard on me.

Yeah, or because she's Tie Domi in yoga pants.

- Victor has a type. - That's it.

- [Wayne] Uh-oh, babe. - Don't call me that.

Don't you normally, keep a spare?

No! [screams]

Hey, all right,

Forrest and I have found a date night lewk

that pays homage to Forrest's tree planter roots,

but also feels young and super hot-forward.

- What do you think? - Hot.

- Damn. - So...

did you finish with the hummus?

No, there's this new spice

that makes me want to keep eating it.

That's the jalapeno... oh.

- 'Cause it's a... - Mmm, mmm,

so can you go put the hummus in my room,

and I'll pack up the laundry?

- Not the fridge? - Uh, my room...

- Cooler? - Fridge.

- So if you could go do that? - [Justin sighs]

- Justin. - I mean, you could also try the hummus

in the laundry room. They'd probably, go well together.

- Oh, my God, Justin! Go. Go. - Fine. I'm... I'm going.

- Missed you. - [Billie] Oh. That's too bad.

Um, because there's something I want to...

- talk about? - Do you really wanna talk?

Well...

[sensual instrumental playing]

Take this off, it's summer!

It's hot.

No, no, I... Tegan, I totally understand.

I... I'm... I'm so, so sorry.

Tegan and Sara aren't coming. Jayne never showed up.

Neither did Opal's oysters.

He's on the phone with Prince Edward Island now.

Look, your mom really wants to sing.

I promised Canadian twin icons, not The Devil Wears Jumpsuit.

We're just gonna have to call the whole thing off.

- I'll strip. - No, no!

- Whoreen has a weak heart. - Hmm.

Oh, maybe, you can ask Billie to sing Tegan and Sara hits.

She did win the talent show competition last year.

People are expecting A-list indie darlings,

not an open mic.

It's a talent show.

It's a chance for the lake to showcase

- its underappreciated talent. - No Magic Mike.

No.

Fine, I'll text Billie, but in the meantime,

we have to stall.

Remember when they stalled the MuchMusic Video Awards

when Strombo got caught in the Timmy Ho's bathroom

for three hours?

Yeah, we held a silent auction.

You almost bet the house on Grimes's elf ears.

I would've looked dope in those.

[gasps] Jayne's staging.

Where did you say Opal is?

And for our next item...

[playful instrumental playing]

a relic from the Boathouse canteen.

Can I get an opening bid of $200

for this dark hole of nihilism?

Is that 200? Can I get 220?

How is he getting these prices?

He was headhunted by Sotheby's in the fourth grade.

- Oh. - [Opal] Here we go, it's a bet, there it is.

[muffled music playing]

Hummus is in your room listening to music.

Did you get rid of laundry?

[sighs] I tried, Justin, but he's so cute!

I can't choose.

Billie, why don't you just date both?

'Cause I'm not like you that way.

[laughs] Well, I think after today,

you're exactly like me like that.

- [knocking on door] - [Forrest] Hey.

- Can I use the washroom? - [whispering] Shit!

- [Ivy] Did you hear that? - [Billie gasps]

- It's just me, I'm just... - [Billie] Mmm!

Me, I'm just choking!

You, Ivy, me, Forrest.

- [Ivy] Billie? - [knocking on door]

[Billie laughing] You know, I will be right there.

- Right through here. - Okay. Cool.

- Thank you, Mr. Lovejoy. - No, it's Justin!

- This is... - Bad!

I've escaped stickier threesomes.

We're just gonna tell him you've been brainwashed,

- and you're in a cult. - Fourteen missed calls from Maisy?

I think I could pass as a cult leader.

- I'm charismatic, I thrive in chaos... - Wait, wait, wait.

Tegan and Sara never showed. Maisy needs me to sing.

[gasps] My baby, filling in for Canada's

queer pop power duo?

- Gagged. - I mean, I have to go, right?

I mean, it is the last talent show.

Yeah, as much as I want to see my girl

take the spotlight and Kris Jenner all the credit,

I know where I'm needed, so you go, you go now!

- You run, Billie! Run! - [quick footsteps thumping]

[Wayne grunting]

What are you doing? I already called the tow truck.

Emergency kit has a tire inflator.

Maybe, we can still make it.

Don't bother.

I should have just told Maisy when I had the chance.

Now, she'll never forgive me.

Blame me.

She already thinks that I'm a blown tire.

Oh, Wayne, that's...

that's so...

thank you.

You tried your best, Jaynie.

You always try your best.

And you know what? Whatever Maisy says,

not your fault. Sometimes shit just happens.

[Wayne grunting]

[Jayne] And sometimes, shit happens on purpose.

[Wayne] You run over a box of nails?

In perfect line, and my spare tire goes missing?

Someone didn't want us to get to the airport.

No. Makes no sense.

Who wouldn't want to see Tegan and Sara?

"Everything is Awesome"?

That song still slaps!

- [thud] - [Wayne] I love the Lego movie,

- Jaynie, you know that. - No, I do. I do know that.

I'm turning into Justin.

[sighs] Who am I kidding? I can't run 12 kilometers.

[sighs]

- [woman] Right here. - [Opal] How about $500?

500 from Claire!

Oh, wow.

[sighs] Billie can't make it.

I think we're gonna have to cancel the whole thing.

No, this is your talent show. There's only one way to save it.

Oh, fine. Mom, go ahead.

Do your prog rock fantasy for the swamp people.

I'll duo you one better.

- [Opal] Sold! To Claire. - Oh, dear.

- [Claire] Yeah! - [crowd applauding]

[celery sticks crunching]

[door clicks open]

- Hey. - Hey.

So you left out a tiny detail, did ya?

Like a fool, I was trying to open your eyes

to the joys of polyamory,

but I draw the line at incest.

[Forrest] Okay, we had no idea,

- Mr. Lovejoy... - It's Justin!

Now, as much as it ages me to be the parent...

you got's to clean up your mess.

I know, that's why I came back, I...

I didn't want to pull a Justin.

Oh, well...

I'm glad that my trauma and my name

could be a teachable moment.

Now, because your drama is about to get hella awkward

in about two seconds, I will humbly excuse myself

to go fill in for Tegan and Sara.

Good luck.

- Serious, Billie? - What the fuck, Billie?

I wasn't trying to play games. Honest, you guys.

But what was I supposed to do?

First, my boss's brother kisses me, and then, my boss kisses me?

Oh, she was not your boss when she kissed you,

and she asked if you were into her brother.

Easy, Ive, it's not Billie's fault

- she's our type. - Get a new type!

This can't keep happening. First, Maya, and then there was...

That was grade six.

Okay, I don't even know

if Forrest and I are a thing yet.

- Like, you know... - The shed

- was definitely a thing. - Oh, God.

Yes, it kinda was, no, and then, Ivy,

you kissed me at the laundry party,

and I don't know, I just... I just got so confused, you know?

- Well, we are irresistible. - This is not cool, Billie.

You can't play both of us.

Yeah, you're right.

[Forrest sighs]

Maybe you should go.

[Ivy sighs]

[scoffs]

We cool?

Yeah. So cool.

Cool.

[Opal] And, next up, we have the original

hand-stitched Boathouse secretary's cushion.

- [woman snorting] - This Warholian throwback,

dripping in irony, is starting at $500, $500, everyone!

[audience member 1] We want Tegan and Sara!

- Anyone? - [audience member 2] Get off the stage!

[audience] Tegan, Sara! Tegan, Sara! Tegan, Sara!

- Get off, Dad. - [audience] Tegan, Sara!

Tegan, Sara! Tegan, Sara!

Tegan, Sara! Tegan, Sara!

Tegan, Sara!

[Tegan and Sara: "A Little Bit Closer]

♪ All I wanna get is ♪

♪ A little bit closer ♪

♪ All I wanna know is ♪

♪ Can you come a little closer? ♪

♪ Here comes the breath before we get ♪

♪ A little bit closer ♪

♪ Here comes the rush before we touch ♪

What?

♪ Come a little closer ♪

[audience member] Go, baby!

♪ The doors are opening the wind is really blowing ♪

♪ The night sky is changing overhead ♪

Yes!

♪ It's not just all physical ♪

♪ I'm the type who won't get oh so critical ♪

♪ So let's make the Boathouse physical ♪

♪ I won't treat you like you're oh, so typical ♪

♪ I want you close, I want you ♪

♪ I won't treat you like you're typical ♪

♪ I want you close, I want you ♪

♪ I won't treat you like you're typical ♪

♪ It's not just all physical ♪

♪ I'm the type who won't get oh, so critical ♪

♪ So let's make the Boathouse physical ♪

♪ I won't treat you like you're oh, so typical ♪♪

[Mimsy] Wow, look at that!

We are blowing up online.

Total BDE.

Anyone seen the sex falcon?

Uh, halla.

Um, I would like to thank Maisy for reminding us

how the lake needs a place to gather,

and enjoy our sad little talents together.

I would like to pledge my portion

of the land sale to find a home

- for the new Boathouse. - [audience members gasping]

Count us in! [laughs] Anything for Heart.

[Whoreen] Maybe, we talk about this at home?

[audience member] Take my money, I'm in, yeah.

Wow! Looks like you got your Boathouse back.

And we passed for twinsies.

Ooh.

[twinkling instrumental]

[footsteps approaching]

Did my performance move you to tears?

[Justin] I didn't see it.

Can only deal with one thing I love dying in front of me.

Riley's blood tests.

[scoffs]

Got low T-cells...

which we know from Grey's Anatomy

means cancer.

[inhales sharply]

And that's why he told Billie to hide this letter from me,

and it's all making sense now, why he proposed,

'cause he felt like he was running out of time,

and I feel like this idiot.

These are my mom's test results.

I had them sent to Riley, so she wouldn't intercept them.

Oh, thank God!

Oh, holy shit.

Oh, my God, Maisy.

I mean... this is...

we already knew this, right? I... this isn't...

and it means Mimsy wasn't lying.

Do you need a hug? I mean, I...

I know that's not something that either of us want,

you know, given your bones are so brittle

and avian-like, but...

I could do that for you,

- if you wanted me to... - I don't.

- [phone ringing] - Oh.

[gasps] Oh, I have to answer this.

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

You take it, good... good call.

- [phone beeps] - Hey!

Hey, we just saw your post, girl,

so cringe, it's genius.

I mean, we're at half a million views already.

You really are the best, Maisy.

No, you are. And you are.

Okay, never again, though.

- [phone beeps] - Oh. Oh.

- Hi. - Hey.

So? Sophie make a choice?

She did and, just like the movie,

- she went with the boy. - Oh, damn!

I was really hoping you'd taste the rainbow,

but I can totally see why you'd want a little less

drama-llama-ding-dong in your life.

You wouldn't know it after today.

Ivy was big mad.

And I feel like a garbage human.

Can't blame her.

Hard to give up.

So, how'd it go at Maisy's?

Oh, Maisy rallied the lake. Everybody wants a Boathouse.

Mimsy's really dying. Maisy wins...

- again. - What about your pee hole?

Don't even. I know you stole it.

They were Mimsy's test results.

But there was a hot second there,

before Maisy came out to tell me,

where I legit thought that Riley was dying.

Told you not to open it.

The thought of losing him is...

I really love him.

I'm getting too old for drama.

Oh, I hope not, because there's still more.

My parents are coming to take my Parks Canada tour.

What Parks Canada tour?

Exactly.

Oh, I feel sick.

Same.

[Samia feat Jelani Aryeh: "The Promise"]

♪ If you need a friend ♪

♪ Don't look to the stranger ♪

♪ You know in the end ♪

♪ I'll always be there ♪

♪ And when you're in doubt ♪

♪ And when you're in danger ♪

♪ Take a look all around ♪

♪ And I'll be there ♪

♪ I'm sorry but I'm just thinking ♪

♪ Of the right words to say ♪

♪ I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be ♪

♪ But if you wait around a while ♪

♪ I'll make you fall for me I promise ♪

♪ I promise you I will ♪♪