Original subtitles

[rain patters]

[thunder rumbling]

[crows caw in the distance]

So, there's the bathroom, kitchen, the living room,

Justin sleeps in there

and... this,

this is my bedroom.

[he chuckles]

[he sighs] Cool.

Yeah. Bedrooms are... are great.

I have one too.

[chuckles]

So, do you want to, like, do something?

Justin and your parents should be

at the euchre tournament for a few more hours, so...

Ah, all away.

We could... We could watch a movie.

The Wi-Fi got fried in the storm last night.

Riley's coming by to fix it later.

Oh, we do have this Croatian bootleg of Dharma and Greg.

[chuckles]

- Season four. - Oh, great.

- [both chuckle] - [she sniffs]

Or you could just kiss me.

Maybe that.

[front door clicks open]

- What up, fam? - We interrupting?

- Kind of. - Yeah, well, we're bored.

[tense music]

Who wants to find out why this is called the murder cabin?

- [he scoffs] - Ooohh...

Put your fingers on the board.

We are attempting contact with the spirit world.

Lost souls trapped between our world and the next.

So, close your eyes, clear your mind.

Any tips, Keri?

White eyeliner makes eye shadow pop.

That's actually a really good tip.

- Is there a spirit among us? - Ooooh.

Guys, focus.

Is there a spirit among us?

[eerie whooshing]

Welcome, spirit.

We come seeking answers.

When will Billie and Killian go to Bone Town?

- [snickers] - So dumb.

Ah, keep your finger on the board

or you'll invite an evil spirit in.

Do you have a name, wandering spirit?

[uptight music playing]

Y-S-I-A-M.

Yes, I am?

What do you want, Ysiam?

B-L-U-D.

Do you mean blood?

There's six of us.

[they gasp]

[exhales] Weed break.

Which one of you bitches finished my stash?

In our defense...

- Yeah, we did. - [both laughing]

I'm going to Ulrika's to borrow a cup of bud

while she's at the tournament.

- Won't she notice? - [chuckles]

Who do you think taught me how to roll?

BRB.

[deep sigh]

Okay, which one of you moved it?

- Don't look at me. - Keri can barely spell.

I'm better with shapes.

[♪ Gordon Lightfoot: "If You Could Read My Mind"]

♪ If you could Read my mind, love... ♪

What's taking her so long?

Ready to stick pins in my eyes.

We could watch Dharma and Janko

‘til she gets back.

- Janko's hilarious. - [loud bang]

What was that?

♪ Or a fortress strong ♪

Holy shit.

What the hell is that?

Are those Olive's jeans?

“One down. Five to go.”

[dramatic slasher film music]

♪

[Teri] I bet Olive's just messing with us

- for stealing her weed. - Or stealing her homework.

Or toasting her lizard.

He looked cold.

- [Billie] Wait, what? - What the hell is that?

- Is that a fucking crossbow? - [they scream]

- Oh, nice shot! - [girls crying]

[Billie] Oh, my God. Go, go, go, go, go.

[indistinct exclamations and screaming]

[Billie] Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Killian, lock the other door. Call 911.

No signal. Wi-Fi's still down.

Aah! How does this thing work?

They're going back into the woods.

- Oh, God. Oh, God. - Do you think Olive's dead?

No, Olive's a stoner.

They always survive until the last act.

- You need them for comedy. - This isn't a movie, nerd.

Guys, we have to make a run for the dock right now.

Do you want to be the dumb jock that eats it in the first act?

- You can't outrun an arrow. - If he's the jock who are we?

I'm the final girl, so you guys are the dumb slu...

Fun girls. You guys are the fun girls.

- [panting] - What are we going to do?

Well, the killer always tries to separate us, right?

Makes us easier to pick off, so we stick together

until the signal comes back or until our parents come home.

Okay.

Yeah.

[disturbing instrumental]

Shouldn't you fill that with boiling water?

Why? Do you want soup?

- [rattling] - Can anyone hear that?

Guys?

- [screams] - Keri!

No, no, no, no. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

No, no, let me go, okay?

I was bullied by my imaginary friend.

- Ghosts hate me. - [Killian] No, no, no.

It's just the wind or something.

- [they scream] - Holy shit!

- [screams] - [Killian] Keri!

Keri! Keri! No! I will not be an only child.

They're weird and self-obsessed.

- I'm an only child. - Yeah, see?

- [sighs] - [banging]

- [banging continues] - [gasps]

Everything will be just fine

if we just stick to...

- [Billie] Together. - [door slams shut]

[sighs]

[slow paced banging]

[banging on door]

[Riley] Open up! Is anyone there?

Oh, Riley, thank God!

- [Riley] Oh, God. - [door slams shut]

What the hell is going on?

Some crazy crossbow freak chased me off the deck.

I barely made it inside.

We know, we've been trying to call for help,

but the signal's still down.

- Can you fix it? - I brought your cable.

but there is no way I'm going out there

with a crossbow bathrobe psycho.

[sighs]

Fuck.

Did you use that?

In here?

Does the name Ysiam mean anything to you?

Shit, shit.

Local legend says that this rock was once

a witch coven's party pad.

Some locals drowned the coven

and the head witch cursed this place,

asking for blood if anyone disturbed their rest.

I thought it was bullshit, but...

the head witch's name was Ysiam.

- [scared panting] - [Killian] Fuck.

Story has it the only way to send her followers back...

is with the blood of six virgins.

- Keri's a virgin? - Such a liar.

- Where's Keri? - Too soon.

[door bangs shut]

We can't just stay here and let them pick us off.

Okay.

All right. We make a run for my boat.

We'll get to the Boathouse, we'll call for help.

If you don't die, come back for us, ‘kay?

And bring us some snacks. Yours suck.

[door slams shut]

How many of those freaks did you see

when you were on the roof?

I wasn't on the roof.

[distorted music playing]

[Riley] Ah! Well, fuck me in half.

- Why? What's wrong? - My boat's gone.

- [Killian grunts] - Okay. Okay.

We need to go back to the cabin like now, alright?

- [thud] - [screams] Ah, fuck!

Oh, my God! Fuck!

Holy shit, Riley!

- Killian! Oh, fuck. - Go! Go!

- I'm right behind you. - [Billie] Okay.

[Killian] Get inside. Get inside. Get inside.

[screams]

- He's gone. - Who's gone?

- Riley! - Did he fix the internet?

- What? - [Justin] Billie! I'm coming!

- [Billie] Justin? - [Killian] No, no, no, no, no.

Move. I have to go after him.

No, in New Moon when Bella hears Edward's voice,

it's just... it's just her mind playing tricks on her.

- Is this Twilight again? - It's a horror movie too.

[sighs] Well, falling in love's scary.

Man, the shit we take from you horror purists online.

- [he sighs] - Online. Riley's cable.

We can replace it and call for help

- without a phone signal. - Where's the modem?

In the crawlspace under the cabin.

Of course it is.

I'll just run down there and swap it.

And then when I get back, we can bring up FaceTime

and bunker down until someone comes to help us.

- There's more of them now. - Okay. Distract them.

Not that kind of fun girl.

- [Teri] Yeah. Go. - [Billie] Be careful.

[tense music]

[sigh] Be fast.

Come get me you Volturi sons of bitches.

[he roars]

Thank God he's hot.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[Killian] Come on! Let's go! I'm right here!

- [Killian banging on pot] - Bring it on, motherfucker!

Okay. Okay, Billie. We're gonna do this.

You're not gonna die in this shitty fucking cabin.

God. Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Okay. Oh, shit. Shit.

[squeals] Okay. Killian!

- Killian? - Open the door!

- Killian! - Come on, come on!

- [Billie whimpers] - Open the door, Teri!

[Teri] Did you reboot the modem?

No, there's too many of them.

Maybe they'll leave once they have you.

You're the final girl.

Aah! Come on! Come on, I have an idea.

[tense music]

We can jump.

Are you nuts?

Jumping is always scarier than the water, remember?

At Raven's Rock, not the Cabin in the Woods.

Okay, on three.

Okay.

One.

Two.

[sighs]

[romantic music plays]

Cabin in the Woods.

Do you have a name, wandering spirit?

Are those Olive's jeans?

- Y. - BRB.

- S. - Open up!

Do you want to be the dumb jock that

- eats it in the first half? - I.

This isn't a movie.

- I thought it was bullshit... - A.

The head witch's name was Ysiam.

- M. - You're the final girl!

Cabin in the Woods.

Cabin in the fucking woods!

No, Billie, wait!

[Olive over radio] Hey, Opal Bader Ginsberg.

- You there? - Go ahead, Olive.

[Olive] I'm clear of the cabin.

Ouija board's in place, phone jammer's on.

I'm heading to Ulrika's until Prank Day is over.

Do they suspect the gag of it all?

[Olive] Not a clue.

My generation is screwed.

That's a go, everyone.

Walkies stay on for further instructions.

Jane, prep the arrow.

Don't skimp on the blood.

Copy that Opie-dopes. Question.

Am I just sticking the arrow into the door

or am I actually firing the crossbow?

What?

[Opal] Shooting would be more immersive.

That's what I said. Told you, Jayner.

- This is a bad idea. - Mm, it's a beauty.

No. Wayne, stop. All right?

Nobody is shooting anyone with anything.

Opal, when did blood and crossbows come into this?

Guys, I want Billie to remember Prank Day

with a smile, okay, not regression therapy.

She's not gonna come back next year

if she's still having nightmares about it.

This isn't your high school's

dinner theatre, Justin.

It's my opus.

[sigh] Did you hear that?

Justin wants to come back next summer with Billie.

That would be a real win for him.

And a real loss for us.

Since Justin has been here,

we have lost an election, a bathroom,

and our son might lose his virginity to his cousin.

- Step-cousin. - Ugh.

Still gross.

We cannot lose anything else to Justin.

We have to make sure they never come back.

How?

By scaring Billie so much

that she calls her parents to come get her.

There's no way they'll let her come back after that.

Sounds a little harsh.

It was Justin's idea

to bring back Prank Day.

He made his own bed.

[girls scream]

- [grunts] - Oh, nice shot!

- That's my boy! - Victor!

- That's our boy. - Oh, my God!

- [scream] - Get inside! Go, go!

Wayne! Come on!

Okay. Okay. Hold on. What happened back there?

- You got hit with a rock. - Was I there for that?

You were supposed to wait like we practiced.

- You never listen. - Okay, okay, okay.

Next time you get hit in the head with a rock.

- Thank you. - Great. Come on, come on.

- We gotta go. - No, this way.

Right. Okay.

- What happened back there? - Oh, my...

[Opal] They barricaded themselves inside the cabin

right on schedule.

Dad, you in position for Operation Ouija Magnet?

In the hammer lane, little buddy.

[Opal] Spy talk, not trucker talk.

That's like asking a fish not to swim.

[Opal] Magnets in the planchette are pretty snappy

so don't work too hard.

- 10-4. - [Opal] Second warning.

Whatever.

Maisy, what the fuck?

This is supposed to be Scooby-Doo scary.

Shh, shh, shh.

It'll all be over soon, sweetie.

Hey, hey, Assassin's Creed, she can't breathe.

- Sorry. - Can't be too careful.

There are witches in these woods.

All right, this shit's getting out of hand.

Maisy, this is exactly why Prank Day

was cancelled in the first place.

No, you're the reason

that Prank Day got cancelled.

Who can't handle a fake alien abduction?

You told them to eat me first

because I had more meat.

- And I stand by that decision. - Oh, my God.

You wanted to bring Prank Day back

because Billie is this huge horror fan,

but if it doesn't feel real,

she's going to be the first to clock it.

So just sit back and let Ysiam work her magic.

Should have been my name backwards.

It was my idea.

Nitsuj sounds like a lice shampoo.

Come on, honey, Opal's got snacks in the car.

You can bring your kettle.

[scoffs]

Wayne Eunice Beverly Moore,

you get your ass down!

I was supposed to do the roof walk.

The roof can't handle your weight!

- You can't go rogue like that. - Hey, I'm Wayne.

Don't remind me.

[chuckles] That's a cool dress.

[Opal] Falcons have fled the nest.

Riley and the kids are leaving the cabin.

We got to hustle if we want to beat the kids

to the Boathouse for the hood reveal.

We're not doing the Boathouse thing anymore.

Yeah, there have been some last-minute rewrites.

What do you mean? What kind of rewrites?

Opal and I thought that ending the prank

with the hood reveal was a bit tame.

Relax, we're just shooting and abducting Riley,

and then we're surrounding the kids so they think

- that Ysiam is coming. - And then what?

Are you going to sacrifice them into the fire pit?

- Do you think it's deep enough? - All right, that's it.

I'm calling it, Joan Carpenter.

This just went from Goosebumps to Saw 5.

Billie? I'm coming!

- [Maisy] Hi-yah! - [grunts]

God, what the hell, Maisy?

Don't even think about moving.

MI-5 once tried to recruit me.

- Oh, as if! - I know! Me, a public servant?

- What a waste. - Maisy, please come on.

I'm begging you here. Please let me go.

You got to stop this.

You don't think we had better things to do

than play make-believe

while you paper over your failures with Billie?

Of course we did, but we're here because of you.

- I just wanted it to be fun. - Mission accomplished.

- I'm having a blast. - [grunts]

I'm going to need some bungee cords.

The Dalai Drama's gone rogue.

Well, the joke's on you

because I'm putting that on a T-shirt.

[muffled] Oh, God,

why do you taste like lavender?

Riley, please.

I know we're in this

not-talking-cause-Justin's-hot garbage phase,

but would you please untie me?

Riley, come on.

Billie's probably really scared.

- That's what you wanted. - That is not what I wanted.

I was trying to do something special

so that she'd come back next year.

In my prank, you got to be the hero.

You got to save the kids.

In Maisy's, you get nailed in the leg with an arrow.

Why are you helping her?

You pimped me out...

to Gil the Thrill.

I know.

I know I did that.

Riley...

having Billie again, Maisy getting the cottage,

this chance that I got to get back everything that I lost?

I just went crazy, I went...

really crazy and you got caught in the middle.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Please don't help Maisy win.

[rain patters]

I never did this...

for Maisy.

[♪ Gregory Dillon: "Plastic Ferrari"]

♪ Killing the quiet You know so well ♪

♪ Insecurities I curse myself ♪

♪ I'm bitter and shaken The sweetest temptation ♪

♪ Checkin' if you call... ♪

Bondage, threesomes...

I think you're going to need

to update your profile, there, Tindersnake.

[Billie] Cabin in the fucking woods!

- [Killian] Billie, wait! - Oh, Billie.

Busted, busted, busted, busted, all of you!

Ysiam is Maisy spelled backwards.

- [manic chuckle] - Mom? Dad?

[Opal] We've been made. Stand down.

- [tentative chuckles] - [Maisy] Surprise.

Whoa. What the fuck?

[panting]

- Are you serious? - What the fuck, Boomers?

- Hey, girls. - It's not a prank!

It's torture! Oh, good, you're all caught up.

[♪ Vampire Weekend: "White Sky"]

- [sighs] - [Billie chuckles]

♪

That was pretty low using your evil genius

against your older brother.

I think you mean 'thank you.'

For scaring the shit out of me?

For dragging your mopey ass romance into the second act.

I was waiting for the perfect moment.

Did you or did you not get your first kiss with Billie?

Yes.

You're welcome.

♪

Wow. [sighs]

And that, twisted sisters,

is why you should never steal my weed.

- Sorry. - Okay.

Won't happen again.

We need to tell mom that Justin and Maisy

are the witches' bitches.

It... it was fake, Keri.

All of it.

How high up does this thing go?

You have no idea.

♪ You waited since lunch ♪

♪ It all comes at once... ♪

[Billie] What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with all of you?

You people are insane.

In what universe did you think

- this would be okay? - [Justin] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Billie] Do you think abuse is funny?

Do you? I mean, unbelievable.

Absolutely unbelievable. I almost jumped off the deck.

My parents are going to freak, Justin.

And I thought Olive was dead. Keri, too.

I was legitimately fucking scared.

- I know, I'm sorry. - Good.

Because remember, the body count

is always higher in the sequel.

The sequel?

Oh, yeah, you're a dead man next year.

[gasps] You are a good little actress.

- [Justin] I felt terrible. - [Billie chuckles]

♪ The sins of pride and envy ♪

♪ And on the second floor ♪

♪ The Richard Serra Skate Park... ♪

Maureen, hi, do you have a second?

Has it been 20 years since I called you by your real name?

No, I want to float something by you.

I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I left you with Maisy

when I was off getting off.

Riley said you got tied to a tree for me, so...

say we're even.

- And I heard you calling me. - Yeah.

I'd be dead because you were beyond late.

Right.

You came for me.

[sighs] Of course I did.

♪ Imagining your wolfords in a Ball upon the sink there... ♪

See, it's not just about the crossbow

or the roof, Wayne.

It's you campaigning for Boathouse president

after I was humiliated.

It's you obsessing about Teesa.

It's not sharing the Astral Nebula.

I think I have a concussion.

See, it's always about you.

[Wayne gagging]

- [knock on door] - Hey.

Can I come in?

So you can tie me up again?

[scoffs] So I can apologize.

I might have gotten a bit too method today.

Psycho, the word you're looking for is psycho.

Well, it was good for the role.

But I am sorry about tying you up.

- That was not cool. - [sighs]

Well, your sociopathy aside,

Prank Day was a huge hit.

Billie wants to make it an annual tradition.

Wonderful.

You guys better start looking.

Places go fast around here.

Yeah, well, you know, we've actually grown kind of

fond of this little hellhole,

so I'm going to call Whoreen manana

about renting it next summer.

Oh, no.

Whoreen's selling.

What? What the fuck.

Oh, man.

This place is cursed.

Teesa's Insta post got so much attention.

And you and Billie are the first ones

to rent it and not disappear or die.

That's huge curb appeal.

And I wonder who gave Whoreen the idea to sell.

The lake's changing.

You can't stay stuck in the past forever.

But it was fun having you guys here.

Killian and Opal are really going to miss their cousin.

Great idea for Prank Day, by the way.

Best one ever.

- [sighs] - [door bangs shut]

She wins. Every time.

[♪ Dickie Goodman: "Horror Movies"]

♪ I took my baby To a horror show ♪

♪ That's the only place She wants to go ♪

♪ She thinks that Dracula is so divine ♪

♪ And she wants to go spinning With the Frankenstein ♪

♪ My baby loves A horror movie ♪

♪ My baby loves A horror movie ♪

♪ My baby loves A horror movie ♪

♪ Yeah, well Ow ♪

♪ She's mad about the monster From the Black Museum ♪

♪ The Invisible Man And she can't even see him ♪

♪ I'd better do something To get close to her ♪

♪ Or I'll lose out To Godzilla or Tarantula ♪

♪ My baby loves A horror movie ♪

♪ Yeah, well Ow ♪