Original subtitles

Now talk.

The Untouchables.

A Desilu production.

Tonight's episode:

"Ain't We Got Fun."

Robert Stack appearing as Eliot Ness.

Costarring Joseph Buloff.

And special guest star Cameron Mitchell.

Chicago, the summer of 1933.

In less than a year,

the long unworkable era of Prohibition

would come to an end.

But the byproducts spawned by that era,

the hoodlums, the gangsters,

the vicious members of syndicated crime,

were determined to live on.

Many of them were already turning away from liquor

to other lucrative fields of crime.

The numbers racket, call girls, gambling, dope.

But in Chicago in that year, 1933,

one of the most successful of the gangsters

had other ideas.

He was already well on his way to accomplishing them.

His name, Jim Harrington,

better known to the mobs as Big Jim.

Hello, Benny.

Benny, Benny, what a waste.

If this keeps up, you won't stay in business.

You take my liquor,

and I'll let you keep 25 percent of your club.

I'll only charge you 75 percent for services rendered.

No. I don't give away any part of my club to nobody.

I'll turn it into a delicatessen first.

Then you'll own 100 percent of nothing.

Show him, Loxie.

Ah, now, smell it. No, don't drink it,

smell it.

Gasoline.

A little spray goes there,

and then you light a little match

and then "whoosh!"

No delicatessen anymore.

He's like a kid, Benny. He likes to play with matches.

I don't get it, but it does something for Loxie.

Go on and tell your lawyers

to bring around the papers in the morning.

Benny's gonna sign. Aren't you, Benny?

This was Harrington's plan.

Build an empire of nightclubs and speakeasies.

Take them over one by one, using force and violence.

Make them retail markets

for his own illegally distilled rotgut whiskey.

The violence was a police matter.

The whiskey, a federal one.

Oh, Mr. Ness.

Hello, Benny.

I thought you were out of town.

I haven't seen you for so long, I thought you were out of town.

I was. Just got back yesterday.

Mind if I come in?

Mind? Why, an old friend like you?

Please, please, Mr. Ness.

Had a little trouble finding you, Benny.

The apartment's rented under the name of Johnny Paycheck.

Oh, Johnny, yes. He's a young friend of mine,

and I'm helping him out by sharing the expenses.

Mm-hm.

I see you've still got your lucky couch.

Well, you know how superstitious I am.

I never sleep in a bed.

I take it with me wherever I move.

Yeah, I hear you've made some pretty big moves lately.

I'm not quite sure if I know what you mean.

The Blue Poodle, Benny.

You're out, Harrington's in.

Harrington made me a good offer I couldn't refuse,

so I sold it out to him.

And I've been taking it easy ever since.

Oh, I... I play around with a little beer garden

on the South side.

My friend Johnny is working the floorshow there

and, uh, heh-heh, at my age,

why should I kill myself trying to make...?

Benny, how are your burns?

Huh?

We've been friends too long to start playing games now.

I'm out to get Harrington.

Oh.

Sure, Mr. Ness, but why tell it to me?

You played with fire, Benny, you got burned.

That was an accident. There was a fire in the kitchen.

The same accident's happened to others.

It'll happen to still more.

I don't like to see people burned. Not only you, anybody.

I... I-I still don't see why I...

Harrington's distillery supplies

1000 gallons of liquor a day to this town,

most of it to his own places.

The distillery is somewhere in or around Chicago.

Help me find out where it is.

I can't help you, Mr. Ness.

You always have, Benny.

You've helped a lot of people in your day.

Truck drivers, moochers, people who honestly needed help.

They know things. They can pay back favors.

I can't, Mr. Ness.

You need a hero,

and I'm just a little man who had all the trouble he wanted.

So stay away from me. That's all.

Please.

Just stay away from me.

You can't run from it, Benny. You're carrying the scars.

They'll hurt more and more every day,

unless you do something to ease the pain.

This is Benny Hoff's new dump.

So eat, drink, be merry.

Don't worry about what it's costing you,

because we always got a paycheck for you.

And here he is, folks,

your friend and mine, Johnny Paycheck.

Hoh-hoh!

Hoh-hoh!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Paul.

It was a wonderful, happy introduction, wasn't it?

Right?

You know, I've always envied comics

who come onto the floor and say:

"Ladies and gents, something very funny happened

on my way here tonight."

This ain't never happened to me, until tonight.

On my way to the club, I heard two guys talking.

And one of them, I swear,

looked just like "Machine Gun" Jack McGurn.

I heard him say to the other guy,

"My wife is an angel."

And the other guy said,

"You're lucky. Mine's still livin'."

You know, I don't have to do this for a living, no.

I got my own still. No kidding.

I got a still.

I'm in partners with a guy named Stan. We call it "Stan Still."

You know, I wouldn't think of leaving this joint.

I couldn't leave little Benny.

Benny Hoff, the guy that owns the joint. You know Benny.

Well, Benny's known me ever since I was a kid.

And many times I look back to those wonderful days,

the days of my youth.

And all my troubles began on the morning I was born.

It was a terrible shock. No one was home.

And finally, my old man, he walked in

and the doctor said,

"Congratulations, Mr. Paycheck. It's a boy."

And my old man, he looked down at me and he said:

"I Know but a boy what?"

Anyway, I was a very, very happy baby,

even though my parents were very poor.

And I remember we lived in a very small house.

And one day, my old lady... My mom.

Uh, one day, she... She asked the landlord,

"What about the floor?"

And the landlord said, "What about it?"

And she said, "We want one."

And as I remember, the years passed and before I knew it,

I was three times seven.

And that's when I really went to work.

And the first thing I did,

I got a job in a speakeasy. What else?

I'll never forget, two days later...

Two days later!

The boss said the one word that made me quit:

raid.

Thattaboy!

He keeps telling her that his wife don't understand him,

and she's his wife.

Hiya, Charlie. Look, the double eagle.

It's a...

Hey, you shake the old man, honey,

and I'll drive you home

in the rumble seat of my new roadster.

Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out, you guys.

Don't you know it's impolite to stare?

Mm?

Here they are, folks, take a good look,

the happiness boys. Hm-hm.

Oh.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I...

I just recognized.

It's Big Jim Harrington,

one of Chicago's leading florists.

Well, everybody knows Harrington Florist.

They specialize in lilies.

Uh, you guys short one pallbearer?

Hm?

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord,

please take care of my teddy bear

and my mommy and my daddy,

who thinks he can be mean to me sometimes

just 'cause he's chief of police.

And please, dear Lord, do me a favor, huh?

Please make me big and strong like Mr. Harrington,

so I can make my daddy say uncle,

just like Mr. Harrington does.

I need a drink.

All right, all right!

That's all, folks. Good night, folks,

and don't take no wooden nickels.

Well, the kid's good, Loxie.

He made me laugh. Yeah.

He could be very good for business,

in the right spot.

I wanna talk to him.

Oh, Sam, do I need this.

Go ahead.

You crazy fool.

You could have gotten us all killed.

Oh, Benny, relax. He ain't so tough.

I had him laughing, didn't I? I was good.

You were lucky, Johnny.

You. He wants to see you.

No. Why? Johnny was only joking.

What does he want with him?

It beats me. I think his act stinks.

That's what I say.

Yeah? But you'll laugh every time the boss does,

in here.

Lets go, sunshine.

Johnny,

you are playing with fire.

You going after Benny again?

No.

What's Harrington's next logical target?

He's taken over every important spot in town,

with one exception, the biggest one.

Schlessinger's Mohawk.

Let's see what progress he's made,

what progress we can make with Schlessinger.

No, Mr. Ness. I am neither a police officer nor a gangster.

There's no way I can help you trap Big Jim Harrington.

Has he contacted you, Mr. Schlessinger?

He has come here to dine, yes.

Complimented me on my food, criticized my liquor.

And suggested you start buying from him.

That is true. Of course, I refused.

Has he offered to buy into your club?

He suggested that also.

Naturally, I wouldn't even consider it.

You're gonna have to.

I don't believe so.

Remember what happened at the Blue Poodle, to Benny Hoff?

This man Harrington doesn't scare me,

and he's made no threats against me.

He won't.

He's gonna move in here, Mr. Schlessinger,

with or without your cooperation.

And he'll be nice at first, then he'll turn on the heat.

You will forgive me if I don't frighten easily.

I'll forgive you, but will your widow and children?

Good night, gentlemen.

Good night.

Benny?

I am not asleep.

You can turn the light on.

Benny, heh-heh, we got it.

We got the break, the big one we was waiting for.

I looked for you all after the show. I looked everywhere.

What happened to you? Where did you go?

Benny, listen. You gotta listen.

Go to sleep. It's late.

I don't feel like talking.

Get up.

Oh, go to sleep.

You've been drinking, Johnny.

Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. No, no.

Not tonight, Johnny. I'm tired.

Come on, get up. Get up.

There we go, Benny.

Benny, you give me a break.

Yeah, a break.

Benny, you give me a break. Me and my ma.

When my old man...

When he took off and he left us alone, hm?

You ain't gonna turn your back on me now.

Benny.

Truth session.

Hm?

Do you remember how you taught me,

like in the old country?

A bottle on the table, the door is locked,

and two friends.

Friends telling the truth to each other,

even if it makes 'em bleed.

So we're gonna have a truth session,

you and me.

Here, drink it.

Nah. Heh.

Johnny, you know I...

I never drink that much.

No, Benny.

Nah.

You ain't a drunk like my old man.

Every Saturday night,

I had to carry him up the stairs.

But, Benny, I need the truth now.

You...

I need it.

Make me bleed.

Uh-uh.

Bottoms up, bottoms up.

All the way.

All the way, Benny.

You're gonna make me bleed, Benny.

Bottoms up.

You stink!

Can't fool me.

Not a bit.

Brave Johnny.

Well, what happened tonight? You win him over?

He offers you a spot in one of his downtown speaks?

Yeah, your old place.

The one you sold him.

The Blue Poodle.

You stink, Johnny.

That's all I got to say.

You stink.

I stink?

Benny, look, I open at the Blue Poodle.

And if I hit... When I hit.

We get on a train,

burlesque, vaudeville, New York,

and you're gonna be my manager.

And if I don't land the stinking Follies some day,

it's 'cause you're a stinking manager.

Harrington will never let you get away!

Three months, Benny, three months.

You'll be marked. Nobody will touch you.

Oh, I'll be so big...

I'll make it so big that Harrington,

he can't touch me, he can't touch us.

Nothing Harrington can do. It's me and you then, Benny.

We go, we fly.

You and me, Johnny, huh?

You know, Johnny,

I-I'm your real old man.

Not the drunk you had to carry as a kid.

The real old man.

I... I love you, Johnny.

I, uh...

You don't even hear a word I say.

Benny.

Harrington, he took me there tonight.

I saw it. It's just like what you told me.

Mm?

What class, Benny.

Come on, here we go.

The Blue Poodle.

Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of playing there.

He's got a singer there now, a girl.

Renee Sullivan.

She...

God, heh, I don't know what a girl like that

could see in a slob like me.

Hey, Benny, you know what? What?

I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna go on a diet,

I'm gonna take steams,

and I'm gonna go to the gym, work out.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Johnny.

Yeah?

I...

Ah. Nothing.

I am... I am drunk.

Go to sleep, Johnny.

And now back to The Untouchables.

Harrington was right.

Johnny Paycheck was an immediate smash hit

at the Blue Poodle.

Now Harrington could plan his next move.

You know Schlessinger doesn't wanna be your partner.

You know even Schlessinger doesn't even want your money.

He doesn't want anything you got.

I'll wear him down.

There's only one way to wear him down.

If you want the Mohawk, it's my way.

If I have to.

Mr. Harrington?

Oh, come in, Benny. Don't bother to knock.

Just barge right in.

Or maybe you think this is still your office.

Look, Mr. Harrington,

I-I'm sorry to break in,

but you've got to let Johnny go.

You're pretty funny yourself. Maybe you should be the comic.

He's just another entertainer.

Johnny stays.

He makes the customers laugh, he makes me laugh.

Look, Mr. Harrington... Goodbye, Benny.

Johnny, I thought you were rehearsing.

Yeah, well, we... I mean, I knocked off a few numbers.

I didn't expect you back so soon.

Where ya been?

Well, I had the tailor sew up the sleeve you got ripped.

You did? Thanks.

Johnny, it's six weeks.

Yeah. It's gone like that, hasn't it?

I went to see Harrington last week,

tried to get him to let you go.

But why? What's the big rush?

Uh, you know, there's new routines,

new stuff to put in the act, and, oh, Benny,

I'm just beginning to relax in the joint.

Oh, hello, Benny.

Uh, Benny, you know Miss Sullivan.

They were waxing the dance floor.

Big Jim thought we ought to get together

and run over some routines someplace else.

Ah, cut it out, Benny.

I'm just beginning to relax.

Tsk.

Yeah.

Well, I'd better be running, Johnny.

No, you wait. I'll take you. I'll be back in an hour.

Don't take no wooden nickels.

Come on, baby.

Benny?

What's your pitch? You going home to mother?

I'm taking the midnight to New York.

Oh. So you're running out on me?

Huh?

You said you wanted me to manage you.

Okay, I'm managing.

When I get something solid for you out of town,

I'll give you the word.

And then either you come with me or...

Or you stay.

You're really scared

I'm gonna wind up the mob's boy, ain't you?

That's right, Johnny. I'm scared.

Scared for you, Johnny.

And I'm gonna do something about it this time.

Okay, out. On your way.

Don't bother coming back. Don't even write.

Johnny, you mean that?

Sure, I mean it. Don't even write.

Because I'm going with ya.

Johnny, you mean that? What about...?

Renee? I just left her.

She's stuck on me. She wants to go.

Can you imagine Harrington's face?

He's gonna lose his whole show. He's losing his whole floorshow.

He'll never let you get away with that.

Will you stop worrying? I can handle Big Jim.

Johnny, the jokes won't help.

He won't laugh.

All right, then I give him the big punch.

You see, working at the club there,

I know plenty, plenty of stuff.

Now, don't let this out, Benny.

I don't want to know.

No, maybe you don't wanna know,

but your friend Ness, the feds would.

You see, they know Harrington's got a big still

right in the middle of the city,

but they don't know where to find it.

No, don't tell me.

Now, will you relax? I don't know where it is myself.

But get this. The men go to work in a mattress factory,

they get to the still through the sewers.

Then they run the stuff out through a soda-pop plant...

Shut up.

Johnny, I don't wanna know.

Forget about it.

Johnny, forget about it.

Huh?

Yeah? Mr. Paycheck?

For me?

Yes, sir. Harrington Florists.

"Happy birthday, John..."

Well, what do you know?

I forgot and he remembered. Thanks, son.

You know, for a mobster, he ain't a bad guy.

"I can't make jokes like you, Johnny,

"but I'm good at throwing parties for people I like.

"There's one for you after we lock up tonight,

"so stick around.

The best, Big Jim."

Tonight? That means we can't make the midnight.

Eh, so what?

What's a few hours? Tomorrow's soon enough.

Right now ain't soon enough.

The party starts as soon as we close in here.

I'll be back before you cut the cake.

Do a good job.

Don't I always?

Good night, Mr. Schlessinger.

Good night, Tom.

Hello, Mr. Schlessinger. Have a little drink on me.

Who are you?

Oh, this is good stuff. It ain't been cut.

Come on, have a little drink on me.

Come on, come on.

What are you doing?

That's gasoline. Better than whiskey.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Johnny ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Speech. How about a speech?

Benny, uh,

ladies and gents, uh,

I can't make a speech, I need a drink.

Hey, Jimmy,

this is too good for the customers.

That's the stuff I save for my friends.

Listen, Jimmy...

I don't wanna spoil your party,

but you're doing all the wrong things.

Well, I mean,

you're making it very hard for me to tell you

what I gotta tell you.

Make it easy on yourself, Johnny.

Well, Jimmy...

Look, let me make it easy for you, Johnny.

Now, I know what you're gonna say, Johnny.

You're a big talent, you've got guts,

and it's only natural you should want to cut away from here.

And I agree with you, right down the line.

Now, this is a birthday party

and it's no good without a present.

And I got a present for you, Johnny.

For the biggest, the classiest,

the best talent in Chi,

I got the biggest, the best,

the classiest club in Chi.

Johnny, a couple of weeks from now,

after a few renovations,

you open in the Mohawk.

What have you got to say about that?

The Mohawk?

How did you ever get...?

Schlessinger's Mohawk?

Harrington's Mohawk. I just bought it.

Now, what were you gonna say?

Wow.

Nothing, Jim.

Nothing, Jimmy, except thanks.

Yes?

Mr. Ness, this is Benny.

You have something for me, Benny?

Well, not much.

But where the still is, I don't know.

But they reach it through a sewer.

They go to work at a mattress factory,

and from there they reach it through a sewer.

Any idea where the factory is, Benny?

No, but here is something more, Mr. Ness.

Their cover for the liquor is a soda-pop place.

That's where they ship it from.

Mattress factory, sewer to the still,

then ship from a soda-pop place.

Yes. That's all I know, Mr. Ness.

I-I hope it helps.

It'll help. Where you calling from?

A telephone booth, downtown,

near Clark and McKenzie Street.

Stay there, I'm coming down.

I'll put you in protective custody.

Oh, Mr. Ness,

you don't have to worry about me.

I'll tell you something,

for the first time, the scars have stopped hurting.

Now, stay there. I'm coming down.

Benny, will you get the phone? I'm asleep.

Benny!

Oh, what a night. What a night.

Hello? Hello?

Well, if it isn't the Prohibition agent again.

Okay, I guess with this amount of booze in me,

the government wants to padlock me. Okay, I give up.

Benny's dead, Paycheck.

You're crazy. He's asleep on the couch there.

Isn't he?

He's in the morgue.

A car glued him against an alley wall.

Dead?

It's on the books as an accident.

We both know it wasn't, don't we, Paycheck?

We both know you killed him.

Why, you... Don't you ever say...

That was the deal you made,

Benny's life for your next step up.

Don't you say that.

Don't you ever say that. Benny was drinking.

He... He must have walked into a car.

Benny loved you like a son.

He died trying to shake you loose from Harrington.

No, Ness, if anybody killed him, it was you,

filling his head with those ideas.

Oh, me? All I wanna do is perform.

Like a toy monkey on a string.

You're on the inside. Where's Harrington's still?

No, you see, Benny was... Where's that still?

No, you see, you...

You ain't gonna lay anything like that on me.

It was an accident, an accident.

It was an accident, an accident.

Don't you see? It had to be an accident.

It had to be an accident.

You can keep saying that, Paycheck,

but you'll never believe it.

As long as you live, you'll never believe it.

Working on the clues given them by Benny Hoff,

the Untouchables began to close in on the target.

They listed every mattress factory in the city

and located one,

just one, that was near a bottling plant.

Somewhere between the two was Harrington's secret still.

Benny Hoff gave us two sides of the triangle,

the mattress factory and the soda-pop place.

The only section in the city where two such places

are in proximity are here and here.

That narrows it down to this area.

Why can't we find it?

There'd have to be fumes, but we didn't smell any.

Then Harrington's got some way of dispersing them.

Down into the sewers maybe. I don't know.

Down, up or sideways, they gotta come out someplace.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, look for a chimney.

Eliot, I don't see what that...

A chimney high enough to disperse the fumes

for a couple of miles.

Look for a chimney in this area.

Oh, I... I think there's a chimney in this...

Right here, an abandoned city power plant.

But it's two blocks outside the area.

That's near enough.

All right, let's get to work.

The time was 2:20 a.m., September 23rd, 1933.

The Untouchables started to close in.

Now talk. Talk!

Funny boy isn't here yet.

I want him. Go get him.

Dead or alive?

Just get him.

Benny?

Are you here, Benny?

You're late for school, Johnny.

Not late. I flunked out.

Do you want me to tell that to Big Jim?

Tell him anything you like.

Nobody owns Johnny Paycheck.

Body and soul.

What?

Nothing.

Say it.

Ah, it'll only hurt your feelings.

Sit down.

We're gonna have a truth session.

It's something Benny...

remembered from the old country.

Drink it.

Okay.

Where's the floorshow?

Me and you.

You're all I got

now that Benny's gone.

Benny...

He ain't here.

And do you know what the Prohibition agent

said to me?

He said that I sold Benny

to get to the top.

Would I do that, honey?

Hit me. I ain't scared.

Thattagirl.

You see, I know there are some things about me

that ain't perfect,

and I wanna hear about 'em.

Come on.

Will you hit me?!

Here's to you, Johnny, and your guts.

Every time I'm with you,

every time you kiss me or lay a hand on me,

I wanna throw up.

You want more?

You know what it was about you, Johnny, that got me?

It wasn't your funny jokes or your good looks.

I took my things out of Big Jim's apartment

and became yours because he gave the word.

"Keep Johnny happy, so he'll keep Big Jim happy."

Are you happy now, baby?

You still want more?

Make me bleed. I gotta bleed.

You had me fooled for a little while.

Maybe he'll be the one who...

Who'll take me away, take me out of here.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

But you're just another boy for hire.

Big Jim's boy, that's all.

You'll never see New York in a million years.

You'll lick Big Jim's boots as long as he'll let you.

A lie. Do you think that birthday party

was for you, you sad dope?

It was a cover for Schlessinger's murder,

an alibi for Loxie.

Hired boy.

Big Jim's hired boy.

Well, where you gonna run now?

New York, that's where.

I'm going to New York.

And when I get there, I'm going to drop you a card.

A... And on that card, it's gonna say,

"I'm glad you ain't here!"

You'll never make it, lover.

You'll never make it.

One way to New York. Sleeper. Anything.

Train now leaving on track five

for Philadelphia, Wilmington, Baltimore,

Washington, Richmond.

All aboard.

You seeing somebody off?

You shouldn't do it on Big Jim's time.

He wants you to do the big show tonight.

Train now leaving immediately.

Philadelphia, Wilmington,

Baltimore, Washington. Board.

All right, Johnny,

start the show and be funny.

Go on, sunshine.

Come on, funny man.

Make me laugh.

I-I, uh... I've always envied comics

who, uh...

Who can come out on the floor, uh,

and say, uh,

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

"On my way here tonight,

something very funny happened."

But th... That ain't never happened to me.

Louder.

Funnier.

I... I remember

the many times I...

I think of those days of my youth,

heh, those won... Wonderful days.

We were very poor, but I was very happy.

Uh...

And all my troubles began

on the morning I was born.

No one was home except Benny.

I have known Benny since I was a... A kid.

You all know Benny.

I could never leave him, because Benny,

he owns this joint.

You know Benny.

You know Benny.

He's a singer.

He's better at singing, isn't he?

I told you his act stinks.

Funny boy doesn't make me laugh anymore.

I'm tired of him.

You wanna take him over, Loxie?

Oh, that's what I've been waiting for.

Up.

Mind if we crash your private show, Harrington?

Not at all, Mr. Ness.

But, uh, you're up pretty late, aren't you?

We had a little business to transact

involving a mattress factory,

a bottling works and an old power plant.

You feds sure branch out

with your private business interests.

What'll Uncle Sam say when he finds out about it?

He won't mind.

Because we're arresting you for operating a still

and manufacturing whiskey.

You gotta be kidding, Ness.

Everybody knows I make it in my own bathtub.

We have a slightly shopworn torpedo

and a half-dozen distillery workmen

that tell us a different story, Harrington.

Not to mention a city official

who's dictating a statement right now.

No, Jim.

I didn't have the guts to stool,

I'm sorry to say.

Not him? Not funny man?

Benny Hoff.

Your boy here didn't get to him quick enough.

Aaagh!

Not now, Paycheck. It's a little late.

A little late.

Let's go.

The Untouchables.