Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

Our celebrity cruise to acapulco

is now ready for boarding.

Come on, Julie.

Can't you tell me any of the stars

that'll be sailing with us? -No.

Sorry, Vicki. It's a big secret.

Not even a hint? Sounds like?

First syllable?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know.

-You don't know? -No.

See, my friends Doris and Marsha

have opened a public relations firm in Hollywood,

and they've arranged the whole thing.

The only thing I do know

is that they've booked 10 cabins on this cruise

and promised to fill them up with really big stars.

-Hi! -Julie!

Oh, there they are. Vicki, I'll fill you in later.

-Oh, hooray! -Marsha, Doris,

have I been looking for you!

Listen. I'm so sorry we're late,

but we had last-minute details, everything, you know.

Julie, we told you we'd bring you a lot of surprises,

-mm-hmm. -The biggies, huh?

We didn't let you down, did we?

Well, I don't know. I haven't seen anybody.

What do you mean? You haven't seen anybody yet?

No, I -- I thought they were coming with you.

Oh, well, now, don't worry about it.

I'm sure they're just waiting

to make a last-minute entrance...

Entrance. Right?

Well, I certainly hope you're right

'cause captain stubing's getting very excited

about this cruise,

and I'm very excited about keeping my job.

Woman: Did you say...

You did tell 'em the right ship, didn't you?

Well, sure, the island Princess.

Afternoon, ladies.

Welcome aboard the pacific Princess.

Oh, no.

Uh, excuse me. I'm Eddie riggins.

Has a Ms. Gloria Baxter boarded yet?

Let's see. Baxter... No, she hasn't.

Strange.

Lawyers are usually on time.

Well, maybe she got stuck in traffic or court

or maybe traffic court.

She doesn't handle petty cases like that.

She's a criminal lawyer.

Well, I hope you're not one of her clients.

I was.

Eddie!

-Oh, hi! -Hi!

Ready for Mexico? -Yeah, I guess so.

But I still feel funny about this,

you paying for my cruise

after all you've done for me already.

Oh, Eddie. Please.

I just want to make sure that your new life

starts out on a high note.

Besides, you deserved to be pardoned.

Well, I wouldn't have been pardoned if you hadn't

believed in me, Ms. Baxter.

Uh, our attorney-client relationship is over, okay?

It's Gloria.

Gloria.

Right up these stairs to the boat deck.

That'll give you the best sight in the harbor.

Doc, speaking of sights,

look who's on our celebrity cruise -- Phyllis Faraday!

Adamo!

Buongiorno!

Phyllis!

Oh, what a surprise!

It's so good to see you. -Oh, caro mio!

What's with the Italian?

I'm traveling incognito.

Que Bella fegato.

You ought to try another language.

You just said, "what a beautiful liver."

Ms. Faraday --

shh, shh, shh.

...you are one of my favorite performers.

This is gopher Smith, our assistant purser.

Gopher, you remember, uh, Connie carruthers,

my ex-mother-in-law?

Well, Phyllis and Connie are very close friends.

They must've starred in more Broadway shows together

than you and I have taken cruises together.

I didn't know you were gonna be on the celebrity cruise.

Neither did I!

Oh, well, that makes uno, due and...

Tre.

Grazie. three.

Then this is just a pleasure trip?

Oh, no, no, no, no, adamo.

A mission muito importante. And only you can help me.

Moi? How?

May I come to your office right after we sail?

Of course.

Oh, I knew I could count on you. I just knew it.

Ciao!

Oh, it's just our luck.

You can't make a call when the ship's in port.

And I checked the brochure,

and the island Princess is on its way to Alaska.

Oh, Doris.

How could we mess up this way?

Ooh, I don't know. Forget it.

It could happen to anybody.

Let's just go find a rail and jump off.

Good.

Doris, Marsha, I'd like you to meet captain stubing.

Captain stubing, Doris Talbot...

How do you do? Welcome aboard.

-Marsha stern. -Hi, how are you?

I can't tell you how pleased I am

about this celebrity cruise.

I'm very proud of Julie for having worked it out.

It's quite a feather in her cap. -Thank you, sir.

I'd like very much

to officially greet the stars before we sail.

Uh, look, captain...

Captain, this is very, very embarrassing.

Yes, it is very embarrassing.

You see, captain,

all of our stars are indisposed at the moment.

-All of them? -Yes.

You see, um, they're just resting up a bit

so that they can be at their very best to entertain

all of your passengers.

Yeah.

Well, guess I'll just have to wait.

Not too long, I hope.

-No. -No.

Sir.

Are you crazy?

Well, we've got Julie into this

and we've got to get her out.

I...

Ahh.

Eh...

Ahh!

Oh, Doris, no.

You are not thinking what I think you are thinking.

No. -Do you have a better idea?

Oh, Doris, it's been five years since we did the act.

And even when we did it, it wasn't that great.

It's gonna be great now,

or our next appearance is on the unemployment line.

Ooh.

Next to Julie.

[ Air horn blows ]

Hi!

Wow, you look great.

Oh, thanks. I bought it for the cruise.

It's a good thing you didn't wear that

on your weekly visits to the prison.

I probably would've jumped right

through the chicken wire between us.

Well, I'm glad you didn't because it wasn't chicken wire.

It was glass. Remember?

No.

I was too busy looking at you.

I do remember that blue dress with the puffed sleeves

you wore the first time you came.

And, uh, a white flannel skirt with a red angora sweater.

Wow. You've got some memory.

Well, I try to remember the pleasant things.

Remember what I was wearing?

Oh...

♪♪

I'm sure your throat will feel better in no time.

All right. We're alone now.

Why all the mystery?

Oh, Adam.

I have the greatest opportunity of my entire career.

They want me to play the lead in a Broadway musical

based on the life of Florence nightingale.

Sounds like a fun show.

But in order to get into the soul of the character,

i have to know what it's really like to be a nurse,

to actually experience the hardships,

the sacrifices, the suffering,

the pain... Florence went through.

But what can I do to help?

What indeed, Adam.

Let me be your nurse on this cruise.

Oh, Phyllis.

Isaac sees more pain and suffering than I do.

Well, maybe you'll get lucky this time.

Please, Adam.

Please let me be your nurse.

It would mean so much to me. Please.

Well, I -- I don't have any nurse's uniforms.

Oh.

Oh, silly boy.

Ta-da!

Little something from medical supplies by halston?

Please, Adam. I want this part so badly.

Okay. We'll give it a shot.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, grazie.

What the heck, my malpractice insurance is all paid up.

Ah, one thing, though. I don't think

Florence nightingale wore all those diamonds.

Oh, of course not, Adam.

But Florence nightingale never played Vegas.

♪♪

Julie, you know, people

are so anxious to see celebrities on this cruise

that a couple actually thought I was Reggie Jackson?

No.

Billy Dee Williams? Robert redford?

-Oh! -Will you cut that out?

You've been doing that every 10 minutes.

Why don't you wait until you see a real celebrity?

Oh!

[ Crowd murmuring ]

[ As Dolly Parton ] Hi, y'all. Hi!

Dolly Parton!

[ Humming ]

I'm Dolly Parton.

I just wish my autograph was clear.

But that's as close as I could get to the book.

Julie, what do you think, huh?

Oh, Marsha. I knew you could do miracles,

but I never expected Dolly Parton.

I've got to meet her. -Uh, wait a minute, Julie.

We have to talk about the celebrity

cabaret tomorrow night. -No...

Let's go someplace nice and quiet.

There.

That looks so much more inviting.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes, may I help you?

Oh, the doctor isn't here?

Are you sick?

Please, come in. Why don't you lie down?

-No, no. I just -- I... -Are you in terrible pain?

No, I got a little splinter...

Oh, no. No, that could mean a terrible infection.

You know, I'd better look at that.

Just sit down on the table there, please.

Thank you. Yes.

-Well, it's just that... -Oh, no. No. No.

Oh, now I know what Florence nightingale went through.

-Well, what have we here? -Oh.

A splinter case, doctor.

It's really nothing, I mean, just...

Oh, what does he know, doctor?

I'll take over, nurse.

Little 10-gallon braiding here is, uh...

Oh, that should come out easily.

Yeah.

Uh...ah.

All set, mister...

Zacchary. Sam zacchary.

Thank you. Thank you, doc.

-Oh, you're welcome. -That's nice.

-Just when I... -Shall I close him up, doctor?

No, let's take a chance

that it will heal without stitches.

I hate a doctor who takes chances.

Hold these.

Thank you.

Um, haven't I seen you someplace before?

Uh...uh, no.

No, I don't think so.

Well, your face sure is familiar.

Oh, well, I just happen to have

one of those kind of faces.

You know, the girl next door.

By golly, not next door to any place I ever lived.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, I didn't know if you heard,

but my name is Sam zacchary.

Sam. What's yours?

Uh, Phyllis.

Oh, I like Phyllis, Phyllis.

I like Sam, Sam.

I wonder if I could persuade you

to have dinner with me this evening.

Uh, no.

No, you see, they don't like the help

to mingle with the passengers.

But I might need some constant care, here.

Okay, dinner it is.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ah...

You ordered wine?

Yeah, well, I figured it's the least I could do.

And this is a very special occasion.

Well, Eddie, that was very nice.

To the greatest woman lawyer in the world.

No, wait.

Make that to the greatest lawyer in the world.

Wait.

Better yet, to the greatest woman in the world.

You should write a book of toasts.

So, how's the job hunting coming along?

Mm, not great.

The bank came up with a million excuses

not to give me my old job back.

Seems people are wary of hiring an ex-con,

even though he was proven innocent.

Well, you'll find something, I know you will.

Maybe I already have.

You know, Ms. Talbot, we were kind of hoping you'd bring

some of your, um, celebrity guests to dinner,

so we could get to meet them.

-Gopher. -Well, no, he's right, dad.

The only celebrity we've seen so far is Dolly Parton.

And she didn't stay very long.

Yeah, I was hoping to have dinner with Bo Derek.

You know, Ms. Talbot, they do have a point.

Well, sir, I'm sure someone will show up soon.

[ Normal voice ] Oh, i'm willing to make a bet on it.

[ As Bette midler ] Hi, ho, people.

[ Applause ]

It's Bette midler!

Oh, this is her own divine Ms. M.

Showered, powdered and painted into the ravishing beauty

you see before your eyes.

You know, I would've been here sooner, oh, of course I would.

But I been working on a sequel to "e.T."

In this one, e.T. And I, we're sitting on the porch.

And we're smooching like crazy.

And e.T. Says, "what the hell, I'll call home tomorrow."

Excuse me.

Could you persuade her to join us?

Bette! Over here!

Oh, hi, honey. Oh, no. I can't.

Oh, no. I've got to get out of this sun suit.

Oh, I see I'm almost out of it already.

It's my time. Oh, dear.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Applause ]

Isn't she wonderful?

Well, I reckon I just don't cotton much to show people.

Oh, really?

Well, I like real people... Like you.

Like me?

Uh...you're an angel of mercy.

Mercy?

Mercy, mercy.

[ Slow music plays, indistinct conversations ]

Well, it's hard to believe

you haven't danced in a year.

You're fantastic! -Hmm.

Maybe I should get a job as a dance instructor,

spend the rest of my life

teaching lonely ladies how to waltz.

Oh, Eddie, please. Don't worry.

I believe in you. I really do.

Oh, thanks.

Without your faith in me, I guess I wouldn't be here.

You know, when you're locked up in prison for a year,

you have a lot of time to think.

I used to fantasize just to keep my sanity.

Well, we all fantasize sometimes.

I always had the same fantasy --

finding the perfect lady,

getting married, raising a family.

Well, you know what they say,

sometimes what you're looking for is right under your nose.

I'm beginning to think that calling this a celebrity cruise

was misleading.

What do you mean, sir?

Bette midler, Dolly Parton...

Those are two big ones.

Bette midler and Dolly Parton

played peekaboo with the passengers.

As for the other celebrities,

their favorite game seems to be hide-and-seek.

Well, sir, Doris and Marsha

promised me that tomorrow morning...

Tomorrow morning, Ms. McCoy?

What about the autograph party

you promised the passengers tonight?

[ Gasps ] Oh, yes, sir.

I'll get on that right away.

[ Normal voice ] I can't believe we are pulling this off.

But it's not gonna work, Doris.

They're gonna find us out.

Well, maybe they won't.

And we'll just keep doing what we're doing.

We'll sort of make a brief appearance here and there.

Just sort of a hit-and-run.

Good evening.

We'd like to remind you

of our gala celebrity autograph party later tonight

in the purser's lobby. See you then.

Forget the hitting, let's start running.

You just said it, we can't quit now.

We can't do that to Julie.

Huh?

Now, let's see.

Who can we go as?

We? I just did Bette midler.

Doris, it is your turn.

Now -- now, just a minute. We're in this together.

Now, let's dream up something.

I'm gonna go change my clothes

and I'll see you at the party.

Doris!

Who are you going as?

Well, I don't know yet, but you'll recognize me.

I'll be the only other celebrity there.

♪♪

[ Slow music plays ]

Isn't it lovely?

It truly is.

You were right.

Better dancing out here where it ain't crowded.

Oh, I know you cowboys like the wide-open spaces.

You know, you are a real good dancer, too.

You really mean that?

Well, for a nurse, I...

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Come here.

Where are we going?

We're gonna go right over here.

Oh.

Now, back home, I was known as a kind of a Wheeler-dealer,

a man who makes quick decisions,

buy a little, sell a little.

Uh, turns out mostly right.

Bet you're always right.

No, no. Not always.

But, uh, I've just made another quick decision.

I would like very much for you to be...

My wife.

Wife?

No. Now, now, no, no.

Now, I understand we haven't known each other too long,

and I make the quick decisions.

You take all the time that you need in the world, dear.

Now, no, no.

I'll be anxiously awaiting your answer.

Hmm?

Wife?

I'm still working on nurse.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Julie, I still haven't seen any celebrities.

[ As zsa zsa Gabor ] Hello, darling.

Oh!

Welcome, Ms. Gabor!

Ah, how are you, darling?

I'm captain stubing.

I didn't say, "who are you?" I said, "how are you?"

Only a captain, a man as handsome as you,

should be a general.

[ As zsa zsa Gabor ] Hello, darlings!

I hope I'm not too late!

-Who is that? -Oh!

[ Normal voice ] You be zsa zsa. I'll be Eva.

[ Normal voice ] What's the difference?

Eva's the one leaving early.

[ As Eva ] Circulate. Circulate!

-[ As zsa zsa ] Darlings! -Darlings!

♪♪

Fantasizing again?

No, this time, I was thinking pure fact.

Must be the lawyer in me rubbing off on you.

Gloria, there's something I have to tell you,

something very important.

All right, counselor. State your case.

This is extremely difficult

for me to say. Uh...

Would it make it easier for you

if I said I love you first?

You love me?

I have for the longest time.

You know, when you would come to the prison every week

to discuss my case,

I'd say to myself, "Eddie, you're falling in love."

Yeah, I -- I kept telling myself

i was coming to see you each week just as a lawyer.

But then, I began to notice

that I was saving my prettiest dresses

for the days that I'd see you.

I noticed, too.

But then, I thought, "no, Eddie,

thi-- this isn't love. You're just lonely.

You're just reaching out for someone who befriended you."

Then you don't love me.

No, of course I do.

You're the only good thing

that ever happened to me. Look.

I just don't want us to go on living a lie.

I don't understand.

Gloria, I did embezzle that money.

I'm guilty.

♪♪

[ As zsa zsa ] Darling,

you were wonderful last night.

[ As Eva ] And so were you, darling.

Sweetheart, have some coffee, darling.

Thank you, darling.

Now, the only question --

[ normal voice ] The only question is,

who are we gonna be today?

[ Knock on door ]

Mm, come in.

How could you two do what you did to me last night?

Do what, Julie?

Don't you mean, "do what, darlings?"

This whole celebrity cruise is a fraud.

But the passengers believed us, Julie.

They did. -We got away with it, Julie.

It's a long cruise, zsa zsa.

[ As Eva ] I'm not zsa zsa.

She's zsa zsa. I'm Eva.

[ As zsa zsa ] Right.

This may be your idea of a joke,

but you see, my job is at stake.

Julie, you got to believe this.

We honestly had real celebrities lined up for this cruise.

Oh. Where are they?

Uh, they're, uh, they're, uh, on their way to Alaska...

In their summer clothes.

Oh, Julie. We goofed.

We sent them to the wrong ship.

Yeah, look, we thought the only way out was to go back

and do our old nightclub act and...

-Right. -...Do the celebrities we knew.

-Right. -That's ridiculous.

It seemed like the only way to help you.

Help me?

Well, you don't know captain stubing.

He'll never forgive me for this.

Yes, but he doesn't have to know.

We fooled everybody so far.

No, no, no.

It wouldn't be right to try to fool the captain.

No, I've got to tell him.

[ Door closes ]

-Morning, nurse. -Good morning, doctor.

Why so downcast?

I don't believe that's the way Florence nightingale

would come to work.

Are you all right?

The splinter asked me to marry him.

Sam zacchary?

Wow, he must be in love.

He hates show people.

He thinks I'm a nurse.

Love really is blind.

Adam, I don't want to lose him.

What should I do?

Listen to your friendly doctor.

Tell him the truth.

Where are you going?

To get a second opinion.

♪♪

Doris, I feel awful.

Instead of bailing Julie out of this mess,

we got her in deeper.

Oh.

We should've followed my instinct

and jumped over the rail.

Yeah, we should've.

Good morning, ladies.

Morning. Hi, captain.

I want to congratulate you both on the appearance

of the Gabor sisters last night.

It was nothing short of magical.

Thank you, captain.

I'll tell them when they wake up.

Oh, captain stubing.

I was looking for you up on the bridge.

Well, I'm glad you found me, Ms. McCoy.

I wouldn't want you to miss this.

It came in with our daily news bulletin.

"Last night's benefit premiere at the Hollywood bowl

brought out a veritable galaxy of stars.

As always, zsa zsa and Eva Gabor were dazzling."

It also goes on to mention...

"Dolly Parton and Bette midler delighted the crowds

with their good-natured quips."

Sir, may I say something, please?

Of course.

And you can say it to the passengers tonight

when you announce that the show has been canceled, and why.

I will not tolerate a hoax.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Julie.

Julie, we're really sorry.

In the immortal words of w.C. Fields...

Yeah?

"All things considered,

I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

♪♪

May I join you?

No.

I need to talk to you.

You said plenty last night.

Please leave.

I didn't have to tell you I was guilty.

You would've married me and never known the difference.

And what a lovely team we'd have made --

a gullible woman and a man who's a liar.

Not about everything, Gloria.

You know what really bothers me?

I love you.

And I love the law.

I believe there are a set of rules that people live by.

And I believe in truth and honesty,

in love and in the law.

You've destroyed both of those loves for me.

Gloria...

♪♪

Welcome to beautiful downtown acapulco,

ladies and gentlemen.

If you like sail fishing,

try the bay near the San Marcos hotel.

If you like spearfishing, try the waters just off the reef.

Or, if you like ice fishing, try another cruise.

Just a little nautical humor there, folks.

But seriously, acapulco is the Jewel of the Mexican riviera.

Bien tiempo! Hasta luego!

Hi, Ms. Baxter.

Gopher just got this telex

confirming your reservations to fly home from acapulco.

Oh, thanks, Vicki.

I hope it's nothing serious.

No, not really.

I'm just not having as much fun as I thought I would.

But last night I saw you at dinner

and dancing with Mr. Riggins.

You seemed to be having a good time.

Did I say something wrong?

No.

Is there anything I can do?

I wish there were, Vicki.

But there are some things in life

you just got to do for yourself.

Hope I'm not taking you away

from your regular duties there.

Oh, no. No, Dr. Bricker

can manage without me...

-Ah. -...For a little while.

You know, you don't seem to be,

you know, quite your normal self today.

Some-- something bothering you?

Oh, no, no, no.

What could possibly be bothering me?

Hmm.

You're upset because I, uh, asked you to marry me, huh,

Phyllis?

I'm not just plain Phyllis.

I'm Phyllis...

I'm Phyllis Faraday.

Who?

You've never heard of Phyllis Faraday?

We -- we had a shortstop on the white sox,

it was...Phil Faraday.

That was his name.

No, that couldn't have been, no, that couldn't...

I am an actress.

I'm a star.

Well, that sure changes everything.

Oh! Oh!

And the captain's making me tell everybody tonight

that the celebrity cabaret has been canceled.

It's just unbelievable.

Ah, Phyllis, what's wrong?

He never even heard of me.

Phyllis Faraday!

Oh, thank goodness.

I am so glad someone knows who I am.

Aw, gee. That getup almost fooled me.

I -- I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

Oh, Ms. Faraday,

I'm sure this is the wrong time to ask you this,

but would you please consider singing for us tonight?

It would really help me with the captain.

Julie, Phyllis has problems of her own.

This may be just the thing I need.

I'm going through an identity crisis.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ah, here you go, Mr. Riggins, a little pick-me-up.

Another pick-me-up, I'll fall flat on my face.

May I join you?

Sure.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Vicki said the last time she saw you,

you were staring out at the sea.

Yeah, well, now I'm staring down into this

and I'm trying to decide which one to drown in.

I was packing to leave,

but I couldn't go through with it.

I love you too much to give you up.

Eddie, I'll marry you.

That's great.

If you'll go back and admit your guilt.

Oh, Gloria, I love you, too.

I really do.

But that's just asking too much of love.

I couldn't stand going back to prison.

You don't know what it's like there.

Being locked up day and night,

the monotony, the degradation...

It's like a living death.

You grab at any shot at freedom you can get.

If you're guilty, there is no freedom, Eddie.

Look, I know I did wrong.

And I will pay back the money I stole

if I have to work the rest of my life to do it.

But I am not going back to prison,

not for you or anybody else.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,

our celebrity cruise continues

in the acapulco lounge

with the lovely Ms. Phyllis Faraday.

Won't you join us?

[ Indistinct conversations, soft music plays ]

Uh, good evening, Mr. Zacchary.

Thanks for agreeing to see me.

Hey, doc. Yeah, what can I do for you?

Well, I just want to apologize to you in person.

Apologize for -- for what?

Well, for allowing Ms. Faraday to be my nurse on this cruise.

If I hadn't, you two wouldn't have met

and had all that trouble.

I didn't say a thing about trouble, I...

Well, I know any man enjoys the company

of a beautiful woman.

But what good is beauty without warmth, understanding,

a sense of humor, compassion?

Well, Phyllis, she has all those qualities?

Oh? Well, I don't know her that well.

But you can't get around the fact

that she's a professional entertainer.

Hmm.

Yeah, she -- she fooled me.

Oh, me too.

So even if she is beautiful, warm, understanding,

compassionate and delightful,

she's still an actress.

And that spoils everything.

Am I really that big a fool?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Excuse me.

Ms. McCoy, I think it's time to tell the passengers

that our celebrity cabaret

will be featuring only one celebrity.

Yes, sir.

But, first, may I give Ms. Faraday

a proper introduction? -Of course.

[ Introduction plays ]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to our, uh, celebrity cabaret.

May I present a performer that was not originally

scheduled for tonight's performance,

but she's agreed to sing for us?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the toast of Broadway, Ms. Phyllis Faraday.

[ Applause ]

♪ Good night, baby ♪

♪ good night, milkman's on his way ♪

♪ come on along and listen to the lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ the hip-hooray and ballyhoo ♪

♪ the lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ the rumble of the subway train ♪

♪ the rattle of the taxis ♪

♪ the daffodils who entertain ♪

♪ at Angelo's and maxie's ♪

♪ when a Broadway baby says good night ♪

♪ it's early in the morning ♪

♪ Manhattan babies don't sleep tight ♪

♪ until the dawn ♪

♪ good night, baby ♪

♪ good night, a milkman's on his way ♪

♪ sleep tight, baby ♪

♪ sleep tight, oh, let's call it a day ♪

♪ sun is rising in the sky ♪

♪ evening's over ♪

♪ morning's high ♪

♪ listen to the lullaby ♪

♪ of old Broadway ♪

♪ come on along ♪

Now, Ms. McCoy.

Now, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm glad you all enjoyed the wonderful Phyllis Faraday

because that's all the entertainment we have tonight.

[ Crowd murmuring ]

See, all the other celebrities that you've seen on this cruise

have actually been impersonators.

There are no other celebrities onboard this ship.

[ As Mae west ] Uh-uh. That's what you think, honey.

Good evening, everybody. Good evening, everybody.

A big surprise, a big surprise.

I wanted to join you tonight and worm around on the cruise.

When I'm good, I'm very, very good.

But when I'm bad, I'm better.

[ Laughter ]

I even gave up sex once.

It was the longest night of my life.

All right, folks.

I'm gonna take a little leave from you.

I'll miss you all. I'll miss you all.

I want to introduce to you now this beautiful lady

with a determined profile and a great voice,

Ms. Barbra Streisand.

[ As Barbra Streisand ] ♪ so long sad times ♪

♪ go ♪

♪ go along bad times ♪

♪ you are now a thing of the past ♪

♪ happy days are here again ♪

♪ the skies above are clear again ♪

♪ so let's sing a song of cheer again ♪

♪ happy nights ♪

♪ happy times ♪

♪ happy days are here again ♪

♪ again ♪

♪ You'll be swell ♪

♪ you'll be great ♪

♪ you can have the world on a plate ♪

♪ starting here ♪

♪ starting now, honey ♪

♪ everything's coming up roses for me and for you ♪

Get the phone, Lily.

[ As Lily tomlin ] One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingies

and a gracious hello from Alexander Graham's

little southern belle. Oh, Felicia, listen.

I'll have you know I am a unique combination in a woman.

I'm a sex symbol and a high school graduate.

[ As liberace ] Oh, Lily. You were so wonderful.

I've admired you for years, Lily.

Where's my candelabra?

[ As dinah shore ] Oh, liberace, you're so wonderful.

Dinah, dinah shore.

-Yes, it is me... -I've loved you.

I always wanted to play for you.

Oh, you're just so sweet.

Mm-hmm, nice hands...

You're even sweeter than I am, and that's hard to be.

Let's just throw a kiss to the people.

-Mwah! -Mwah!

[ As prissy ] Ms. Scarlett!

Ms. Scarlett, Ms. Scarlett.

I don't know nothing about birthing

no babies, Ms. Scarlett.

The Yankees is coming, Ms. Scarlett.

The Yankees is coming.

[ As Ethel thayer ] All right. All right.

Oh, dear, dear, so they are, my dear.

Oh, my. I found my calla lilies.

I love my calla lilies. Oh...

I made a garden on golden pond.

[ As Edith bunker ] Oh, you want to go on golden pond? Huh?

Yes, but I have to go now. Bye.

Oh, well, I'm Edith,

and I think you're terrific.

'Course, Katharine hepburn

has always been my favorite and Archie, too.

[ As charo ] Oh. [ Speaking Spanish ]

Coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie!

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ As Dorothy Gale ] Coochie, coochie!

Darling, darling,

Ms. Julie -- Ms. Julie is here.

Darling... -Charo!

-We've got to get home! -Where do you want to go?

We've got to get home to Kansas!

[ Speaking Spanish ]

I don't understand Spanish!

Oh, charo! We've got to get home.

Oh, auntie em, auntie em.

I've got to get home to Kansas.

Toto, Toto!

[ As Bette Davis ] Hello. I'm happy to be here.

My name is Bette Davis.

Won't you join me?

Thank you.

Ah, well.

Take a hike, Turkey.

Right.

Ah, you sound like me.

Do I?

And you look like me.

Do I?

You've got Bette Davis...

Eyes.

And you've got Bette Davis...

Eyes.

Both: And we've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We're now leaving acapulco, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you've enjoyed your evening

as much as I've enjoyed mine.

Hey, did I ever tell you about the accident

I had down on my daddy's ranch

when I was just a little fella?

No.

No, you didn't. -Yeah, well, one day,

they was breaking this real high-spirited horse, see?

And I was, oh, I don't know,

7, 8 years along -- along in there.

And I had -- you wouldn't believe this of me,

but I had a pet bunny rabbit.

Well, he went hippety-hopping to that corral,

and I went hippety-hop right after him.

And that horse kicked me right in the head.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yeah.

And for the next several years,

I did some of the stupidest things

that you can just imagine.

Now, you would think after all these years

that a fella like me would kind of smarten up,

and...well, Phyllis, I -- I believe I've smartened up.

I -- I love you.

Oh, Sam.

I love you, too.

Well...

And it doesn't matter to you that I'm an actress?

Nope.

And you don't care that I'm the toast of Broadway

and I could be called back to Hollywood

and probably win an academy award?

Nope.

Oh, oh, Sam, who cares, anyway?

Even if I don't win an academy award,

I can always go back to nursing.

Could you kiss it and make it well?

Oh, Sam.

You win.

I'll marry you on your terms.

No, I can't let you do that.

You'd be compromising everything you believed in,

including your ethics as a lawyer.

I was a woman before I was a lawyer.

I can stop being a lawyer,

but I've found out I can't stop being a woman.

Well, that's too bad because I'm gonna need both now.

What do you mean?

A woman to love me and a lawyer to represent me.

Gloria, I'm going back and confess what I did.

We can't have this hanging over us for the rest of our lives.

I love you, Gloria.

Oh, Eddie. I'm so proud of you.

Well, if you can't stop being a woman,

Hey, doc.

Oh, Phyllis.

You look absolutely radiant.

Oh, thank you, Adam.

Sam and I are going to tie the knot.

That's great!

We're going to live six months of the year in New York

and six months in Wyoming.

-Uh-huh. -Lucky lady.

Oh, I love spending half of the year out of the country.

Well, I'll tell you, pretty lady,

we'd better get back to that ranch because,

according to my calendar, my prize heifer

is about to give birth.

Oh, and I'm keeping one of the puppies.

Ta-ta!

Oh, you look like a happy couple.

We couldn't be happier.

Aren't you glad you didn't get off in acapulco

and fly home? -More than you'll ever know.

Eddie and I are gonna get married.

Yeah, as soon as we clear up a few details.

That's terrific. When's the big day?

Well, that depends on my lawyer.

When do you think, counselor?

-I'd say a year to 18 months. -Hmm.

Oh, I get it.

You want a little freedom

before you tie on the old ball and chain, huh?

[ Both laugh ]

I didn't think it was that funny.

Well, I never thought I'd be complimenting someone

for disobeying my orders.

You were terrific.

Well, thanks for everything.

Besides, we had a marvelous time.

Oh, in that case, perhaps we

can persuade you to sail with us again,

properly advertised, of course.

Oh, are you kidding? We'd love to.

Well, until our next trip,

[ as Humphrey bogart ] Here's looking at you, sweethearts.