Original subtitles

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪♪

Uh, excuse me. I'm Mr. Trumbauer.

I'm looking for the fiesta deck.

If you'd put your things away,

maybe you'd know where to find them.

You can take the elevator. Fiesta's one deck down.

-Thank you. -Let me give you a hand

with your luggage, Mr. Trumbauer.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, we can handle it.

We?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't see Mrs. Trumbauer standing there next to you.

Oh, no, the name's not trumbauer.

And it's not Mrs.

I'm, uh, Ruth gaylor.

Miss, as in single.

Sorry, I thought I heard Mr. Trumbauer say, "we."

I did.

I, uh, never travel alone.

Excuse me. Come along, bix.

Maybe he's a split personality.

Well he certainly is a weird personality.

Cute, but weird.

Yeah.

He certainly didn't want you handling his luggage.

I wonder what he has in it.

Maybe his psychiatrist.

Steve...which one do you think she is?

I don't know.

I could ask -- uh, pardon me, miss,

but are you going to be the mother of our child?

Please don't kid around. I'm so nervous.

Oh, I am, too.

Connie, if you want to back out of this thing, it's okay.

Really.

You know it's never bothered me for a minute

that we can't have children of our own.

We could still try to adopt.

This way you'll be the real father.

That's not important to me.

But it is to me.

-Connie. -Hi.

-Hi, doc, you old son of a gun. -Hey, Steve.

-Welcome aboard. -Thanks.

-How have you been? -You really want to know?

Or would you rather know about our friend?

Have you seen her?

Did you talk to her? Is she nice?

Well, as you know from the screening

and testing done by the agency,

she's bright, uh, mentally mature,

physically healthy, but in person,

I would say she is...

Exceptionally nice.

Come on. I'll introduce you.

Doc, I can't thank you enough for telling us

about the surrogate mother program.

It all sounds so weird, the --

the idea of my actually being the father.

It's strictly through the help of modern science.

He does understand that, doesn't he?

Don't you worry.

This is the only woman I ever want.

Uh, yanne?

Connie and Steve Peters, this is yanne Willis.

-Hi. -How do you do?

-Hi. -Hello.

Uh, it's generous of you to take me on this cruise.

Only makes sense to get to know each other better.

Look, why doesn't everybody unpack?

Then you could all sit down together and talk.

Good idea.

I'll, uh, see you later.

Okay.

Well, at least the kid's gonna be good looking.

I don't know.

Sometimes they look like the father.

Come on.

See you later. -Bye-bye.

Oh, still waiting for your aunt Sylvia?

Yes, sir. You know my aunt Sylvia.

Promptness isn't her middle name.

It'll be nice to see her again, though.

I'm sure the cruise will do her good.

I hope so.

I haven't seen her since my uncle Elliott passed away.

Well that's, uh, a terrible thing to have to go through.

Fortunately, he left her well-off.

Oh, definitely.

Uncle Elliott was one of the richest men in the world.

Oh, think she'd go for a sailor?

Captain!

Seriously, Julie, give your aunt my love,

and tell her I look forward to seeing her again.

-Thank you, I will. -Oh.

If you think she'd enjoy it, put her at my table for dinner.

Oh, I'm sure she would.

Thank you, sir.

Julie: Aunt Sylvia!

Julie! Oh, Julie!

Aunt Sylvia.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm so sorry about uncle Elliott.

Oh, thank you, Julie.

It's been some months already,

but I am still in mourning.

That's why I'm only wearing black fur.

Oh, I'm sure uncle Elliott would appreciate that.

Where's Betsy? I thought she was coming with you.

Oh, she'll be here. She stopped at my lawyer's.

I hate talking to lawyers. Don't you?

-Mm. -They're so boring usually.

At least if you talk to a boring jeweler,

he always gives you a pretty, little box

with a ribbon on it to take home.

Well, I see you still like diamonds.

Well, in a way, I'm just being loyal to Elliott.

After all, he owned the world's biggest diamond mine.

I know.

Well that's how he died, the poor dear.

The mine shaft collapsed,

and he was buried in his beloved diamond mine.

Oh, what a shame.

Yes, but at least he died in a nice setting.

Betsy: Sylvia! Sylvia!

Oh, hello, Julie.

Sylvia, guess what your lawyer told me.

What?

Elliott appointed me a trustee of his estate.

Oh, Betsy, that's wonderful.

I'm so happy for you.

Is it a full-time job?

I knew this wouldn't be easy.

Sylvia, being a trustee

means you can't spend a cent without my okay.

Oh.

Well, I don't need any money.

Well, thank goodness --

I still have oodles of charge accounts.

[ Air horn blows ]

♪♪

And after we get finished with the wine cellar,

the captain wants us to get cracking

on those inventory lists.

Okay.

Hey, hey!

What is that?

I think we're being invaded.

Oh, there you are.

There who is?

Hi, my name is bix.

I am a completely programmed robot.

I operate on a battery for up to 12 hours.

Hi. I'm gopher Smith.

You are assistant purser burle Smith,

born in San Diego June 4th, 1954.

How does he know that?

Common knowledge among robots.

Uh, since bix was taking the cruise with me,

I programmed him on facts about the --

about the ship and the crew.

I even programmed him to talk about everything

I like to talk about.

Ah.

Maybe I could do that with you.

Uh, bix -- uh, bix is the perfect companion.

Thank you, Franklin.

You're not so bad yourself.

What?

Sorry, you're perfect.

[ Laughter ]

And that's how doc pushed Connie and me

into a blind date seven years ago.

Another little match-maker me.

Steve, let's take a stroll around the deck.

Sure, okay.

Um, we'll see you at dinner.

-Okay. -See you later, doc.

Bye-bye.

What's this stroll around the deck business?

I mean, we were just getting to know each other.

Wrong.

She was getting to know you, big mouth.

Was I talking too much again?

No, I just wanted to spend some time with you alone.

Oh.

You like her?

[ Sighs ] More each time I see her.

She's bright, attractive, nice personality.

What more could we want? Hmm?

Steve and Connie are very much in love, aren't they?

Ah, as much as any two people I've ever known.

I, um, feel somehow I need to explain my position to you.

Since when does doing good need an explanation?

'Cause I'm also being paid for it.

A fee for surrogate mothers is customary.

That's just it -- it sounds so cut and dry.

You see, um, my mom's long illness

left the family way in debt.

So naturally, we could use the money.

But it's much more than that.

Like?

Oh, like having five brothers and sisters

and growing up surrounded by all that love.

It was a treasure for me.

We're all still very close.

Yeah, learning love early sure goes a long way.

We were a family.

Everyone should know what that's like.

Why should Steve and Connie miss out

on such a beautiful part of life if I can help them?

Well...

It's easy to see your beauty isn't just skin deep.

Oh, excuse me.

You were expecting your opponent to sit here.

Oh, that's okay. My opponent plays standing up.

Oh.

Well, I'm Ruth gaylor.

I saw you board.

Uh, Franklin trumbauer. It's a pleasure.

[ Beeping ]

What is that?

Vodka tonic.

You are a robot.

You are a woman.

Oh, miss gaylor, this is bix.

-Hi. -I, uh, built him myself.

Okay, bix, let's go on with the chess game.

I play chess.

Wonderful.

Good luck.

Goodbye, Franklin.

King's castle to king's castle 4.

Your move.

I hope you're a better player than Franklin.

You're not.

One more time, Sylvia.

A trustee is appointed so you don't squander your money

and spend it on silly things.

Me, squander?

Good afternoon, ladies.

Is there anything I can get you from the bar?

Yeah, two champagne cocktails,

please, Isaac. -Okay.

Two champagne cocktails coming right up.

Hold it, Isaac.

If I'm gonna be trustee of your estate,

I might as well start right now.

Buying a champagne cocktail doesn't sound like much,

I'll admit.

But, Sylvia, it's a symbol of something much bigger.

One should never spend money unless it's necessary.

But it is necessary.

I'm thirsty.

You mean you're so thirsty

that you need a champagne cocktail?

Wouldn't a glass of water do just as well?

But I like the bubbles.

Then what about a glass of soda water?

That way you could have the bubbles you want

and still save money.

Maybe you are right.

A glass of soda water would be cheaper.

I don't really need a champagne cocktail.

Sylvia, I'm proud of you.

Make that one glass of soda water for Sylvia.

Okay.

And one champagne cocktail for me.

Well, that lobster was delicious.

Mm.

It certainly was wonderful.

Tell me -- how long have you been married?

Five years.

All right, yanne, let's get down to brass tax.

I want to know the important things about you.

Who's your favorite baseball team?

[ Chuckles ] The Yankees.

[ Scoffs ] Well, nobody's perfect.

Do you plan on getting married someday?

Sure.

Then you can have children of your own.

-Honey. -Oh, no, that's okay.

Sure, I want a family of my own,

but I'm not gonna rush into marriage for it.

And in the meantime,

if I can help a happy marriage become happier,

well, I feel my time will be well spent.

You know what?

This girl is really something special.

Well, yanne, you ought to be flattered.

He usually only says that about me...

And our cocker spaniel.

[ Laughter ]

Must be my droopy ears.

Well, if our baby has ears as cute as yours,

I'll -- I'll have no complaints.

Hi.

Oh, hello there.

How did your, uh, chess game with bix go?

You were gone by the time I got back.

Well, let's just say he didn't beat me.

No?

Oh, you must be an excellent player.

Oh, not really.

I tipped the board over before he could say, "checkmate."

[ Chuckles ] Good move.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, no, no, no, please.

Uh, be my guest.

Thank you.

You, uh --

you look lovely this evening.

Thank you.

Shall I, uh, order the wine?

Oh, please.

May I suggest a '77 pe pousse --

not too robust with a delicate bouquet.

Is he joining us for dinner?

Yes.

But don't worry. He doesn't eat that much.

You talk about him like he's human.

Well, that's ridiculous.

There's absolutely nothing human about him.

He's -- he's honest.

He's loyal.

He's always there when I need him.

Do you know any humans like that?

Well, Sylvia, you look as lovely as ever tonight.

Oh, thank you, captain.

Fortunately, I haven't let Betsy

talk me into wearing potato sacks yet.

Hey, where is Betsy?

In the cabin working on a budget for me.

Now, aunt Sylvia, I'm sure whatever Betsy's doing

is for your own good. -I'll bet.

She's probably trying to figure out

how she can make this my last meal.

Oh, well here she comes.

Remember, aunt Sylvia,

Betsy is your oldest and dearest friend.

Oldest, anyway.

-Hello, everyone. -Hello.

Has she been complaining how I won't let

her go through her fortune?

I haven't even told them about the scarf.

I wanted to buy an itsy, bitsy, little scarf.

And she wouldn't let me.

And it was only $50.

A $50 itsy, bitsy scarf doesn't sound like much

when you're talking about $1 million.

But as your trustee, I'd like to point out to you

that all you'd have to do is buy 20,000 scarves at $50 a piece,

and there's $1 million out the window.

The next time I go shopping,

I'll try to remember not to buy 20,000 scarves.

Betsy, I just want to know one thing.

If I can't spend my money, how is it that you have money

to buy yourself all sorts of things?

Because as trustee,

I'm being paid money to keep you from spending your money.

Well, how can I get some money?

Well, just get a good job, like I have.

♪♪

[ Slow jazz music playing ]

[ Sighs ]

I haven't danced this much in years.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't you ever get tired? -Nope.

Not even when two ladies are sharing me.

[ Chuckles ]

I think I'm getting more than my share.

Oh, but I'm not complaining.

[ Applause ]

Oh, isn't it nice to be alone, Franklin?

I mean, just the two of us without bix.

[ Beeping ]

One, two. Cha, cha, cha.

Five, six. Cha, cha, cha.

-Oh, hi, Mr. Trumbauer. -Hi.

Bix is a great dancer.

Well, of course. Who do you think programmed him?

I'm better at disco.

What do I have to do to get your attention,

stick a transistor in my ear?

♪♪

Hey, Connie, what are you doing out here?

Why aren't you inside with Steve and yanne?

You know the old story.

Three's a crowd.

What are you talking about?

He's really crazy about her.

I'm beginning to feel like an outsider.

No, you're just imagining all this.

No, doc.

Call it woman's intuition.

Call it a sixth sense.

Call it whatever you want.

But there is a chemistry between yanne and Steve.

And I know when I'm watching two people fall for each other.

Oh, you're not making any sense.

Connie, Steve loves you.

Didn't you love all of your ex-wives?

♪♪

Oh, Franklin, isn't it beautiful out here?

Oh, yes, very.

It's -- it's like being under a blanket of stars.

You know, this cruise is probably one

of the best ideas I ever had.

Me too.

I wonder...

I wonder...

I wonder where bix is.

Franklin, is something wrong with me?

Gee, I -- I hope not.

H-How do you feel?

What?

Every time I think you're having a good time with me or --

or maybe something could be building between us,

you seem more interested in him.

I'm sorry, it's -- well, it's -- it's --

it's a long story, and...

I have time.

Well, I -- I -- I was in love once.

Very much so.

I loved her, and I trusted her.

But unbeknownst to me, she was seeing someone else.

So now you distrust all women?

No, not -- not women.

Just people, I guess.

All my life, people have let me down.

Oh, Franklin.

If you'd just give me a chance, I won't let you down.

And besides, there are some things

I can give you no robot can.

Well...

You are warmer and -- and softer.

[ Beeping ]

Yes, that was number 6 on the big parade,

"nuts and bolts lover" by "a" and the alien.

And now for your listening pleasure...

Ugh! You stay up and listen.

I'm going to bed.

Ruth, I...

Oh, women.

What do you make of them, bix?

[ Beeping, clacking ]

Sorry, they do not compute.

You wouldn't let me buy a champagne cocktail.

And then I couldn't buy an itsy, bitsy scarf.

And just now, you wouldn't let me buy

a really really, teeny-tiny bottle of perfume.

I'm sorry, Sylvia.

But obviously, you still don't know what a trustee is.

Oh, yes, I do.

A trustee is somebody who grabs your arm

every time you want to buy something.

Betsy, you are my dear, sweet friend.

But you are beginning to be a pain in the --

hello, Isaac!

What'll it be, ladies? One champagne cocktail?

-No, Isaac. -No, Isaac.

I want to buy drinks for everybody.

Great!

Drinks for everybody at the bar.

Sylvia, you can't.

Wait, Isaac, she is right.

I can't buy drinks for everybody at the bar.

Make it everybody in the room.

Fantastic!

Okay!

Sylvia, do you have any idea

how much drinks for everybody in this room will cost?

Isaac, make it everybody on the ship.

You're bananas.

Hello, Sylvia, Betsy.

Oh, and Isaac, give the captain two drinks

just because he is the captain.

Thank you, but I don't drink.

Then give him a hot dog with everything on it.

And I don't want to ever talk to you again

for the rest of my life.

[ Bix beeping ]

Oh, excuse me.

Oh -- oh, hey! Hey, let me give you a hand.

Thank you. I appreciate that, gopher.

-Want to sit here? -Good, good.

Okay.

Have a nice breakfast.

Oh, thank you, gopher.

Oh, gopher, you...

Isn't Connie joining us for breakfast?

Yeah, she'll be here in a minute.

I think something's bothering her.

You think maybe she's having second thoughts about all this?

No, she was always the one that was for it.

Do you know, when the fertility drugs didn't work,

and doctor after doctor couldn't figure out

what the problem was, I told Connie to forget it.

I told her I didn't care if we didn't have children.

I didn't know you felt like that.

Yeah, I did...

Until last night.

Watching your eyes light up when you talked about your family

made me realize how much I wanted to have a baby.

I want one more than Connie, I think.

[ Chuckles ]

Isn't that funny after all these years?

I don't think it's funny at all.

I think it's beautiful.

You know, the love in a family starts with wanting a family.

You and Connie are so lucky to have each other.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Hello, bix.

Greetings.

I regret that Franklin is not here.

Oh, I know.

I waited outside till I saw him leave.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

What are you planning, doctor?

A bypass?

Well, let's just say I'm cutting out my competition.

I'm going to snip your wires

so you can't come between Franklin and me anymore.

Please, you can't do that.

It's not human.

Look who's talking.

Don't I get a last wish?

[ Sighs ]

Be good to Franklin.

He needs tender, loving care.

I can't do it.

Miss gaylor?

-Yes? -Thank you.

My memory banks won't forget this.

♪♪

-Hi, Betsy. -Hi.

How's aunt Sylvia feeling this morning?

Oh, she's fine.

Or as fine as anybody can be who's IQ

is the same number as her dress size.

Why? What's wrong?

Oh, I -- I just got

a shore-to-ship phone call from Mr. Townsend.

Sylvia's lawyer?

Does it have anything to do with all her money?

Not really.

She doesn't have any money.

[ Laughs ]

Don't do that.

Tell me you're kidding --

ju -- just to stop my palpitation.

I wish I were kidding.

But townsend told me Elliott left Sylvia millions!

Well, that's what he thought then.

But now, apparently uncle Elliott,

with all of his business mergers and corporate acquisitions,

over-extended.

There were so many ventures his lawyers knew nothing about.

Poor Sylvia, doesn't have anything?

I better go and tell her.

No, let me.

I mean, I think it would be better if I told her.

Sylvia and I go back a long way together.

Of course, she goes back a lot longer than I do.

Come on. We'll go and tell her.

We are now docking in puerto vallarta.

For those of you who've never been

to puerto vallarta before, we know you will enjoy it.

And those of you who have been here before,

you know you'll enjoy it.

Bix, this isn't like you. I'm sorry.

I -- I -- I don't know what the problem is.

Uh, anything the matter?

Yeah, it's bix.

He worries me. He really worries me.

Well, listen.

Bix, how big is the, uh, pacific Princess?

Princess grace is 5-foot-6 and weighs 130 pounds.

Oh, I didn't do it. I swear I didn't do it.

I mean, what happened to him?

I don't know.

Maybe he just needs to be recharged.

Well, I hope that's all he needs.

I have a portable battery pack in the cabin.

I'll -- I'll give it a try.

-Franklin? -Yeah?

While bix is being recharged,

how about coming ashore with me?

With you? I...

Well, bix will have to spend the day in the cabin.

I could get gopher and Isaac to look in on him.

Sure, why not?

Puerto vallarta it is.

Puerto vallarta,

the pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

In his rookie year, he passed for 13 touchdowns.

I better hurry and go plug him in.

He's sinking fast. Come on, bix.

Come on, bix.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Got a minute?

Yeah, I've got as long as you want.

What's up?

I'm worried about Connie.

She's been upset about something all day.

And I've never seen her like this before.

Well, maybe she's never been jealous before.

Jealous?

She thinks you're falling for yanne.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

I've never even thought about another woman.

Well, isn't this a good time to let Connie in on that?

No, it's not a good time.

It's a great time.

And you mean to tell me that Mr. Townsend says

that I have absolutely no money?

I'm afraid so.

Good.

-Good? -Sure.

She's glad I'm out of a job. Aren't you?

No, but now that I'm broke,

maybe I can start buying a few things,

like a scarf or a champagne cocktail.

And Betsy,

you and I can be friends again

instead of being a trustee

and a dis-trustee.

We are friends again, aren't we, Betsy?

[ Chuckles ]

Of course we are.

After all these years, where am I gonna find another friend

who makes me feel so superior on any given subject,

any hour of the night or day?

But Betsy, I still don't quite understand

my financial condition.

Are we broke, broke?

Or are we just broke?

Well, do you remember when we were both in our teens,

and we moved to New York

to break into show business with our song and dance act,

and we were really struggling? -Yeah.

We had to live in a fifth-floor walk-up.

Did you really?

Well, we had to hide from the landlord.

We couldn't pay the rent.

And Sylvia, remember how we had to eat cold beans from a can?

And sometimes we even had to eat stale bread crust

we stole from the birds.

Remember those days? -Yeah.

Well, we can't afford that anymore.

Oh, Franklin, I had a wonderful time.

Me too.

That little restaurant you found was excellent.

And the wine you ordered was delicious!

And you chose it all by yourself without you-know-who's help.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

I, uh -- I have to go change.

I'll see you tonight.

Oh, sure.

Honey, come on. It's all in your imagination.

How can you even think a thing like that?

It is not all in my imagination.

I saw you two kissing at breakfast.

Wait a second.

Are you talking about that little peck on the cheek?

I don't blame you.

Why shouldn't you prefer a woman

who can have a child with you?

Look, yanne and I were just talking.

And I said something that made her feel

a little sympathetic towards me.

And she gave me a little kiss.

Oh, I'll bet.

And just what did you say to her

to make her feel so sympathetic towards you?

-Hi, room for two more? -Hey, hi.

Well, there's room for at least one

because one is leaving.

What's the matter with Connie?

[ Sighs ]

I think this whole business is stirring up feelings in her

that she hasn't dealt with before.

What kind of feelings?

Guilt, for one.

I think she feels guilty about not being able to have children.

But that's like feeling guilty

because you're left-handed or you've got red hair.

Still, it's there.

I don't know what to do about it.

I'll see you later. -So long, Steve.

Oh, I'm having second thoughts about all this, doc.

I want the child to be part of a happy family.

That's the point of it all.

Well, sometimes happiness takes a little working at.

Well, what is it?

At first, they seemed so much in love.

Oh, they are, yanne.

You're gonna have to talk to her, doc.

Mm.

Maybe you can do a better job -- you and Steve.

How?

Oh, a little shock treatment.

You think you can come on like a drill sergeant?

[ Chuckles ]

After three years of teaching 8-year-olds?

I can make general patton look like a pussycat.

Good, 'cause it's about to become d-day.

[ Beeping ]

-Hi, everybody. -Hi.

-How's bix? -Not so good.

His gin playing needs a lot of work.

He hasn't said a word all afternoon.

Really?

Well, he did say griffle finick gafop,

but I don't think they count as words.

Maybe he's just shy around strangers.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm afraid

there's something seriously wrong with him.

Bix, turn to me, please.

I'll take a look inside.

Oh, no.

Somebody's cut most of the wires.

I wonder who could have done such an inhuman thing.

That's unbelievable.

You mean Sylvia is completely wiped out?

Yes, sir. And I'm worried about her.

She's taking it badly?

No, not at all. That's why I'm worried.

I think she's still in a state of shock.

Well, keep an eye on her. Keep her busy.

Don't give her time to think about it.

-Okay. -Do you think she and Betsy

might perform for our passengers tonight?

Do you think that might help? -Oh, yes, sir!

Especially if we let them pass the hat afterwards.

[ Both chuckle ]

We hope you enjoyed your stay at puerto vallarta,

ladies and gentlemen.

We'll be showing two movies onboard tonight.

And for those of you who like your entertainment live,

we have a surprise for you

later tonight in the acapulco lounge.

Well, hi, Ruth. I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's okay.

-Someone cut bix's wires. -What?

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Luckily I was able to fix him.

Who would do anything like that?

I can't imagine.

But I'm glad he's all right now.

Thank you.

Oh, I bought you a little present today.

-Me? -Yes, you.

It's in here someplace.

Wire cutters?

Oh, Ruth, not you?

No, I didn't. I swear it.

I wanted to, but I couldn't do it.

I wonder why they call us the human race.

We're not very human at all.

Good-bye, Ruth.

Connie?

I wanted to tell you our arrangement is off.

I'm not surprised.

Oh, you aren't?

Then maybe you know the reason.

I do.

I don't want any child of mine

being raised in a marriage like yours.

What?

You know, doc said you had

one of the great romances of all time.

As far as I can see, it's all a fake.

It is not.

At least, it wasn't until you came along.

Oh?

And how did I ruin this great marriage of yours?

You can have a child.

You made him realize what he was missing.

You don't think he could figure that out for himself?

What did you do, put blinders on him every time

he went near a pregnant woman or a baby?

No, of course not.

Connie, Steve loves you so much.

He doesn't care about anything else.

I love him, too.

But I can't have a child.

That's absolutely true.

And do you want to know why yanne kissed me?

Because I confessed to her how all of a sudden

I desperately wanted to have children.

I know you do.

Although this surrogate mother thing may be all right

for some couples, it's not right for us.

Why not?

Because there's something I want even more --

you.

♪♪

[ Jazz music playing ]

Are you okay?

We don't have to stay for the show.

No, I'm fine. I --

I just have butterflies in my stomach.

I guess knowing you love me still excites me.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Applause ]

I can't wait for the show to start.

I'm surprised you got Sylvia and Betsy

to agree to sing, merrill.

I'm surprised you got them to agree on anything.

Well, let's not forget tonight.

This may be the only time

we'll ever hear them in perfect Harmony.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a very special

treat for you -- two ladies who have been

featured in many Broadway shows have agreed

to do a number from their old act for us.

And I'm proud to say that one of them is my aunt Sylvia.

So here they are.

"B" and "b" -- banning and boucher.

[ Applause ]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

♪ We were born to play the two-a-day ♪

♪ the hope, the corn, the empty matinee ♪

♪ and so we know ♪

♪ that vaudeville's just asleep ♪

♪ and so we got to keep on ♪

♪ dancing till we rake it up ♪

♪ and dig it up and wake it up ♪

♪ we get no thrill from this atomic age ♪

♪ our home is still upon the palace stage ♪

♪ well, life's a song ♪

♪ as long as we can say ♪

♪ we belong to the wonderful world of the two-a-day ♪

♪ where we were born ♪

♪ only excited and only impressed ♪

♪ by a corny routine and a checkerboard vest ♪

♪ to play the two-a-day ♪

♪ vaudeville thrills ♪

♪ the hook ♪

♪ yes, how could we ever begin to explain ♪

♪ the corn ♪

♪ why a shuffle is done with a hat and a cane ♪

♪ the empty matinee ♪

♪ really kills us ♪

♪ and so we know ♪

♪ that vaudeville's just asleep ♪

♪ and so we got to keep on ♪

♪ dancing till we rake it up ♪

♪ and break two, three, four ♪

♪♪

♪ And life's a song ♪

♪ as long as we can say ♪

♪ we belong to the wonderful world of the two-a-day ♪

♪ where we can tell our joke ♪

♪ sing our song ♪

♪ show the folks that we belong ♪

♪ to the wonderful world of the two-a-day ♪

[ Applause ]

Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, bix, I must apologize for miss gaylor.

But that just shows you how vicious humans can be.

Correction, Franklin.

Miss gaylor did not cut my wires.

I did.

You?

Why?

I thought you'd pack me up and fix me when we got home.

I don't understand.

Get with it, Franklin.

With me out of the way,

I thought you'd spend your time with miss gaylor

and find out how much she loves you.

Miss gaylor loves me?

Oh, my aching solenoids. Yes!

And you love her.

You mean I have to program the programmer?

Here she comes now.

Bix: Don't blow it, Franklin.

If you do, I'm going to cut your wires.

Ruth, just a minute, please, I...

What is it?

Bix says that I'm in love with you.

Oh, well, I don't care what bix says.

-What do you say? -Well, he must be right.

I mean, after all, I programmed him.

Oh, Franklin.

[ Beeping ]

I think the three of us are going to be very happy together.

Well, what are we gonna do?

We've got to earn a living.

Maybe we could go back into show business.

We've got to do something soon.

We don't have a cent!

That's not quite true.

I may not have any money, but I've still got this.

Of course. I forgot all about that.

When Elliott gave it to me,

he told me it was worth a fortune.

Oh, isn't that gorgeous?

I have never seen so many diamonds.

You could put bulbs in that and use it for a chandelier.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm glad you have it.

You're lucky.

You mean we are lucky.

It's ours to share.

Oh, Sylvia!

Absolutely not.

Elliott gave that to you.

To us.

Oh, no way.

Uh-uh. No, no.

It's yours and yours alone.

Betsy, after all our arguments over money,

if this necklace came between us,

I would just hurl it into the sea!

-Oh, don't! -Oh, well of course

I'm not gonna hurl it into the sea.

I'm not stupid.

This is our meal ticket.

I was just making a point.

I mean, when I went like this, I never...

Well, we've still got our friendship.

Sure.

For whatever that's worth.

♪♪

Steve, what happened?

What's wrong with Connie?

I don't know.

Last night, she wasn't feeling well.

And -- and this morning, she's feeling faint.

[ Sighs ]

How is she?

Well, it looks like she's got a little something.

-What? -I don't know.

Won't be able to tell for about, um, 9 months.

You mean she's pregnant?

Near as I can tell.

Ah! Wonderful!

Oh, I'm so happy!

-Oh, so sorry. -Go right ahead.

Honey, you did it.

Well, I can't take all the credit, dad.

I don't know where bix could be.

I mean, he knows exactly what time

we're departing. -Don't worry.

The worst thing that could happen is we'll find him later

and mail him to you.

Please!

You're talking about our child.

Good news, coming from right behind you.

Well, I found bix, but I think he was mad at me

for taking him away from what he was doing.

Why? What was he doing?

Trying to make a date with the water cooler.

I thought we'd make it a double wedding.

Oh, boy!

Oh, so long, doc.

Steve.

Connie.

Yanne.

Well, thanks for everything.

Well, I can't quite take responsibility for everything.

I never thought it'd feel so great not to be needed.

Oh, we still need you.

We'd like to name the baby after you, yanne.

Oh, thanks. I'd love it.

Well, we're lucky, yanne -- you have one of those names

that works on a girl or a boy.

Or twins.

[ Laughter ]

Bye-bye.

Oh, aunt Sylvia, Betsy.

It's been so nice having you here again.

Julie, thank you.

You are my favorite relative.

If you don't mind my asking,

what are you two going to do now?

Well, I suppose what we've always

done in a crisis situation.

We'll sit down together and figure it out.

And then we'll do whatever doesn't work.

Not me. I've already earned some money.

Oh? How?

I sold my fur coat.

In fact, I sold the whole set.

♪♪

♪♪