Original subtitles

sexy music

This dyke wanna go all night

Boom, boom

This dyke wanna be alone with you...

What, what, what?

Come here. - No, no.

Boom, boom

Tell me, baby, what you wanna do?

Ride it tonight

I'm picking up...

Wow, I can't believe we're really doing this.

Go slow, I love the way you look at me

Hand on your thigh when I drive type of game

Tell me with your eyes when we've reached the highway

This dyke

That's why we did the cleanse, Soph.

To prevent that exact outcome.

Okay, 'cause I really don't want to shit my pants.

Yeah, no, I got you. Don't worry about it.

Okay, good, good, good. - Besides, it's gonna be good

to do, like, a little team building, don't you think?

Yeah, yeah. It's... yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, final packing question:

how many safari onesies is too many?

N... No. -

Hello?

Right there.

Hi.

That's a lot of n-naked people on my...

velvet couch.

Get me out of here, runnin' out of air

Runnin' out of, get me out of here

I got no fucks to give

Get me out of here, runnin' out of air

Runnin' out of, get me out of here

I got no fucks to give

Don't wear white, okay.

Soph.

Uh, yeah. I'm in here.

I think I found a good one. She looks like a real winner

on CarMax.

Heated seats or no?

What's this?

Oh, I'm...

I'm going on that-that work retreat.

Remember? I told you.

Oh, yeah. -

Alice practically bullied all of us into going.

Is this...

Is this what I should wear?

I just... - I'm not sure. Um...

Yeah, it's gonna be really hot in the desert, so...

Okay, well, this is in Reseda. What time are you leaving?

It's gonna take, like, 20 minutes to get there, so...

Oh, well, I don't...

I-I don't think I have time

to go to Reseda before I go.

Okay. - Um...

But, hey, wait, um,

can they hold it for you?

They're not gonna hold it for me.

Well, you can ask.

No, I'm not gonna ask them to do that. Uh...

Okay, well, wait, what do you, what do you want me to do?

Do you want me to stay and help you buy the car?

Because I will. If... I will. - No. No, no.

I'll stay.

No, it's-it's fine.

Have a good trip.

soft, somber music

I'm sorry.

I-I'm gonna clean this up.

I just, I-I really lost track of time.

Sorry.

Okay, there's no gentle way to say this.

You're kind of a fucking mess.

I know. I know that. Which is why

I'm gonna go to a hotel and I'm gonna get out of your hair.

'Cause... I shouldn't be doing this.

What? No. - Yes.

No, I'm not letting you out of my sight.

Well, I guess it looks like

you're just gonna have to come with me.

Absolutely not.

I am not taking ayahuasca in the desert with your coworkers.

Why? Chelsea Handler did it.

I hooked up with one of your employees.

Oh, my God, Ivy's not gonna be there. She moved to New York.

She got a job there. She didn't tell you?

No.

Oh.

I'm throwing these. If someone calls for them,

they're in the trash.

Oh, those are Bridget's.

Um, you know their names now? Okay.

Regardless, no, Al.

Count me out. - You know what they say?

They say it's like ten years of therapy but in one night.

And you could use the ten.

I mean 20, but...

All right, fine.

Great. - Fine. Fine.

Oh, the smell. It's, like, thick.

Also, don't wear white.

What?

No white.

"No Stress" by CMD/CTRL

Mm, mm-mm, mm-mm

Mm, mm...

Showtime!

- It's happening - Everybody get to know

- It's happening - Everybody in the flow...

All right, well...

I've been having a really cult-y year.

Thank you!

May your stay be as peaceful as your heart.

Oh. Does that get rid of the demons?

Good. - Thank you.

Thanks.

Christ. - What?

She got me right in the eye.

Do you want... some of this?

I'd hate to take away from your experience.

Oh! - Really?

Yeah. - Thank you so much.

Oh, God, I feel so fucking terrible.

Why? - Already?

I just got into a fight with Finley,

and she's not returning any of my calls.

Huh. - You know what,

I think maybe I should just...

maybe I should just go. - No.

No! No, we are here to do team building and drugs.

You're staying.

Hey.

Do it for the drugs.

Do it for the drugs.

Okay, first of all, thank you for coming.

You all do so much for the show. You do.

And you put your heart and soul into it.

All day, every day.

And I just wanted to do

something special to say thank you,

so thank you, thank you, thank you.

I really think this experience

is gonna make us stronger and bring us together.

So, go, team.

Um, I will see you all on the other side.

You holding up the tree?

No one thinks this retreat is about work.

What else would it be about?

You.

Why would you say that?

It's obviously about my staff and my team.

Sure.

I'm gonna lose control, yeah

I'm gonna lose control

I'm gonna lose control, yeah

I'm gonna lose control

I'm gonna lose control, yeah

Om

- Oh. - Welcome, welcome

Okay

Thank you

Om...

Ooh, great. We get to lie down.

Yes, please.

Huh.

Um, will you...

will you two lie on either side of me?

Why? - I-I can't use that bucket

in front of anyone but you two.

You know? You know?

All right.

Okay.

Okay,

humans.

That's... funny.

My name is Mercury.

And we are here this evening with one simple purpose.

To open our mind's eye...

...to the universe's life force energy.

So... let's turn our awareness to the cosmos.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath in.

And ask yourself:

what would you like

the universe to show you?

Okay.

Now open your eyes

and write down your intentions.

It's not like it was even right with Taylor

or anyone lately. - Do you ever think

that maybe this "not right" thing

has more to do with you?

slow, contemplative music

I do love you.

You have a really fucked-up way

of showing it, Shane.

Psst. - Huh?

Okay, so maybe this whole thing wasn't really about...

work only.

No shit.

Hmm.

I-I love her. - You both

are toxic together. - Go! Go!

Drink up, everyone.

It's yummy.

Um...

Hi. Sorry.

Uh, do you have, like,

a squeeze of lemon or, um,

like, Splenda or something that would, you know, help...

Okay.

Poof.

Hey. Sorry. Real quick.

Uh, do we just knock these back?

Well...

Cheers, queers.

Find yourselves comfortable.

Meditate on what you need to know from the universe.

Well, here goes nothing.

What would you like the universe

to show you?

Meditate.

Are you hearing what I'm hearing?

Oh, please don't let this turn into a musical.

Have a nice trip

I hope you get lost and you find yourselves

Just go with it

It will be best

If you don't fight it

Just chillax

- Don't be afraid - Don't be afraid

- It's all in your head - Get out of your head

You'll return much better off than you left

So, have a nice trip

This isn't goodbye, fly high

See you on the other side

See you on the other side

You may not feel your legs

But they'll be there

- And if you see things - See things

- That just aren't there - Don't be scared

Follow your guide and be self-aware

If the ride gets bumpy, try not to be scared, no

Have a nice trip

You're arriving on time

Read the signs

See you on the other side

See you on the other side

See you on the other side

Welcome to the other side

What?

We got to look out for the ladies today.

You think Doris is gonna be there?

All right, let's see where this goes.

I wonder who's performing tonight.

Come on. What are you waiting for, huh?

Go, go.

What's this?

Tess.

It's Tess Van De Berg. - Hey, fellas.

Yeah, what?

What do you got over there, Shane?

Hot damn!

Wow. She's a looker, eh?

I got dibs. Come on, follow me.

lively jazz music

All right, Tess, where are you?

Hey, good looking.

Hi. - Remember me?

Excuse me, miss.

Hey there, sailor.

I came an awful long way to hear you sing.

Show doesn't start until eight.

But you can buy me a drink until then.

Oh, I can do a hell of a lot better than that.

Pick up your feet and open your ears, boys!

Dance with me.

Don't settle down, settle up

I know what you're doing, sailor.

Single butches, put your hands up

I'm no ordinary sailor.

Tomorrow may not ever come

Forever young

There's enough of us

- To go around - Hey

Your body is a playground

- Show-off. - Skin to skin

- And mouth to mouth - All we have is now

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

- Tess! - Here we go

Here we go, here we go, bottoms up

Aye, aye, Captain, all aboard

Let's make waves and make some noise

- Hey - Follow me, close the door

- Get what we came here for - We run a loose ship

- All hands on deck - Hey

Who's gonna score?

- We're taking bets - Hey

Poker face, no regrets

No commitments

Just hot sex, yes

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Here we go, here we go, here we go, bottoms up

Live it up

Fill your cup

Keep it light

We're just looking for a good time

Live it up

Drink it up

Cross the line

It's gonna be a wild night

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Here we go, here we go, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up

Yo-oh-oh, here we go, bottoms up...

Let's get out of here.

Here we go, bottoms up

cheerful music

I guess I'm married.

I should probably be in the kitchen.

"Premier Parade" by Orchestra Heinz Kiessling

Honey, Finley's home!

Hi, honey, so glad you're home.

What's that smell? - Oh.

I got the turkey basting,

potatoes scalloped, and... - Oh, good.

The boss and his wife are coming over.

I'm up for a big promotion.

What? When are they...? - Now!

Now? But I haven't had time to prepare

any charming dinner conversation.

Not to worry, honey. I took care of it.

See, he's a bit of a serious fella,

so I thought it'd be best if you didn't say

anything at all. - What?

Nothing? But how will I...?

I told him you have laryngitis.

Laryn-what?

Mr. Lee, so nice to have you in our home.

Dear, what a lovely home. - Finley.

Hello, Mister... -

Like I told you,

she lost her voice, but, boy, is she cute.

Come on in.

Okay. Oh.

Uh...

Okay, I can't, I can't really see anything, uh...

Can we cut?

That's a cut.

It's not funny.

She doesn't know how to land a fucking joke.

What's going on?

What's the problem? - She's killing me.

I had lines that were stepped on.

I need more motivation to walk through the door.

Let's fix that.

Okay, um, I'm sorry, uh, but I'm just having a hard time

figuring out why this is funny and...

You got this, babe. - Goddamn it.

She's giving me nothing to work with.

I feel like I'm on my own out there.

Okay, but I'm trying to give you something here.

Don't worry about her. This is your show.

You're the star. It's all about you.

Doesn't feel that way. Doesn't feel that way at all.

It is.

It's all about Finley.

intriguing music

We're going again.

Um, I, but wait, I still... - From the top, on the bell.

Hello?

Sophie?

Shane?

Alice Pieszecki, come on down!

Want to find the one?

Then it's time to play

Name That Flaw!

Oh, Eureka, of course it's you.

This makes total sense.

I fall asleep to your show every night.

Aw...

Well, I'd rather be tits up in a pool, but I'm here.

You know how to play. We show you an ex,

you tell us why they're undatable.

All right, you ready to play?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, finding flaws is

one of my strengths.

And somehow I already knew that. [laughs]

Okay, bring on the flaw.

Oh.

Too conventional.

Wanted to get married too fast.

Ew. But yes.

All right.

Oh, um...

Didn't like me enough.

Ah!

Bitch.

Oh, that's complicated.

Gigi. The answer is Gigi!

The answer is always Gigi.

Ah!

All right, last one in this round.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I liked them, but...

Coachella.

Yes! Okay. -

I know about Coachella, okay?

You know? All those.

Okay, Alice. Final round.

One more image.

Name... that... flaw!

Me?

Ooh...

What are your exes saying about you,

Alice? - Um...

Why are you undatable?

I don't know.

Focus, Alice.

And remember...

...you can always ask the audience.

Okay. Um...

Audience, what's my flaw?

You think you're better than everyone.

Damn.

No, I don't. That's not true.

You don't rinse your yogurt container

before you recycle it.

Sometimes I do, just not that often.

Okay, okay, okay.

Alice...

what's it going to be?

What is your flaw?

Is it, uh...

I push people away?

Final answer?

Final answer.

That's the one!

You're a winner, baby! -

Let's show her what she's won, shall we, folks?

You've won your dream life!

And you've also won

a gorgeous home!

And...

this decadent custom furniture!

Oh, yes!

And your dream partner.

gentle harp gliss music

Oh, my God.

Is it really you?

Who else would it be?

But you're... old.

You're old, too, Al.

Geez.

Yeah, right...

We get to grow old together.

That's part of the dream life.

I'll take it.

Whatever it is.

Do I look good, though? Do I look okay?

You look perfect, Dana.

I can't believe this is really happening.

Come on. I'll give you the tour.

Welcome to our perfect life

Honey, I'm home

With a wild organic garden

I love the trophy room and this tennis court

Ooh, come play with me? -

I'll pretend that it's good for my knees

Wait, do we have kids?

No, we have cat

Sitters 'cause we just travel the world

With our celebrity friends

Now we're back home again, just me and you

What should we do?

- Reorder Postmates - Fight for the blanket

Fall asleep on our favorite show

- Proofread my emails - Laugh at my bad jokes

Everything is perfect with you

Sing along with the wrong words

Fudging in costumes

Talking over me

And our feather pillow fights

- Dance in the ballroom - Ignore when I call you

A perfectly imperfect

Life

Perfect life

- Ooh - Ooh

Reorder DoorDash

Fight for the blanket

Fall asleep on our favorite show

- Proofread my emails - Laugh at my bad jokes

Everything is perfect

With you

Perfect with you

With you

Perfect with you

Dana?

Can I kiss you?

Yes.

Finley, dinner was delicious.

Aw, thank you so much.

I wish I'd married someone who could cook.

Oh, I wish you did, too, dear.

Yeah, the potatoes were divine.

Weren't they, though? -

Oh, that's my mother's reci...

My mother's recipe.

Oh, well, you'll have to give it to me.

And then you'll have to come over

and make it for her, too. -

Well, actually, it's quite...

Oh, what was that, dear?

You, uh, wanted some more potatoes.

Here, help yourself.

We have a delicious apple pie prepared, don't we, dear?

Thank you, darling.

You know, I grew up on an orchard.

Don't let the suit fool you, I'm an everyman.

Is that so? - Which makes me perfect

for this opportunity you have here.

Really? - Now,

and, remind me, you have a...

Please don't speak

It has been my turn for a while

Shh, don't speak

You will hear me out now

The answer's finally no

For the first time

I'm putting myself first, first in line

Nothing that you can say

Will change my mind

I found my voice under the noise

And I made my choice, it's all about me

It's time that I stand

For who I am

I'm my number one fan

It's all about me

And I do not care

What you say - Get her off set. Get her off.

Starting right now

From this day

It's all about me

So, what I was saying...

We should go. - No, no, no. I-I...

Don't need no one to speak for me

That was my codependency

But now I'm independently

Being who I want

I set me free, huh

Not people-pleasing no more

Take me or leave me alone

'Cause I've been through hell and back again

Crippled by fear of abandonment

Money ain't a thing, been having it

But it never filled up that emptiness

So never mind you, got to be about me

Got mountains to move, uproot these beliefs

That made me feel hella undeserving

But the truth is now

I know I am worthy

I found my voice

Under the noise

And I made my choice

It's all about me

It's time that I stand for who I am

I'm my number one fan, it's all about me

I don't give a damn

What you say

I am no longer

Afraid

It's all about me

It's all about me

Me

Hey

It's all about

Me

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

Do something...

I know sailors like you.

I'm not like the others.

Girl in every port.

Maybe in some ways, I am like the rest of them.

That's what I thought.

Maybe I haven't settled down

on account of not finding the right girl yet.

And you're hoping I'm the right one, are you?

You look pretty right to me.

Don't charm me unless you mean it.

I mean it.

I want to believe you.

You should.

romantic music

There she is!

Where do you think you're going, Shane?

They found you. - They always do.

I'll lose 'em, grab the car, I'll meet you around back.

Be careful, sailor.

I will. - She's headed that way.

Get her!

You can't hide from us, Shane.

Shane! Come on!

There's nowhere else to go. - You can't escape.

Damn, it's higher than I thought.

You can't hide from us.

Come on, Shane!

Whoa.

Oh, I know it's scary, but you have to trust me.

It's the only way we can be together forever.

What?

Sorry... You said forever.

Yes, Shane.

Forever.

Forever's a long time.

Tonight's all that matters.

Shane.

Shane, you have to jump!

Shane.

Shane. - Shane.

I thought you were different.

Was that all a lie? - Shane.

Shane. - No.

It's a trap!

Well, then jump, Shane. Jump!

Shane. - You belong with us.

Grab her, girl. - Let me go. Let me go.

Come on, Shane. - Tess!

I was just...

I don't know why you thought

you could handle a throuple.

I mean, you're like,

you're one of the most sensitive people I've ever known.

I am.

Is that a compliment?

Nat was nice.

Yeah, she reminds me a lot of you.

Obviously. - Yeah.

Wait...

is that what you're here to tell me?

Is that what I'm doing?

Am I trying to find you in everybody else?

You're trying to do a lot of that.

gentle, wistful music

Yeah.

Huh.

That makes a lot of sense.

You were my person

Some say we only get one

Now it's all making sense

'Cause I have the worst luck with love

They can check every box

But no one knows me like you do

So maybe I should give up on love

Trying to fill your shoes

'Cause nobody is you

Who'll remember when I forget

And ground me when I'm through the roof

Nobody but you

Who will know my punch lines and lie

Nobody

But you

Nobody

'Cause nobody's you

You are my sunshine

My only lifeline

And I've waited for this day

When I could hold you

Fold into you

But I know that you can't stay

Take my heart

It's yours anyway

'Cause nobody is you

In this crazy tiny little world

Tell me who

Nobody but you

Will know my punch lines and lie

Nobody but you

In this crazy tiny little world

Tell me who

Nobody but you

Will know my punch lines and lie

- Nobody - Nobody, nobody, nobody

But you

I want to stay here forever.

But you can't.

But I asked the universe to show me the one and they...

They found you.

So?

So, if you're the one, then I have to stay.

I mean...

...it's over for me out there.

I missed it.

You missed it.

But not with me.

You have to let me go.

The one is still out there for you.

What?

Who is it? Do...

Do you know?

Of course I know.

Do they know you, too?

In a way.

Don't be cagey. You sound like a fortune cookie.

That's because you're waking up.

What?

You're waking up, Alice.

No, I want to stay here with you.

You can't.

You have to go.

Tess!

Oh, I knew it. I knew you were one of them.

No, I'm not. - You are.

There's so much more on the other side, Shane.

Tess, wait!

Tess! -

Tess...!

What would you like the universe to show you?

Welcome back

We hope you enjoyed your trip

- Come back soon - Come back soon

You have arrived

Unfasten your seatbelts and walk in truth

Find the mate to your soul

Let go of your past

It's all about you, Sophie, you're the first and not last

So take what you've learned

And leave all of your baggage behind

You made it through the other side

You made it through the other side

It's all about me

You made it, you made it, you made it

You made it, you made it

I don't want to go back

You made it, you made it, you made it

Are we still high?

Now it's time to live your life

Oh...

Did we make it?

Oh... Oh...

You okay? - I don't know.

I don't know.

I was in a musical,

a '40s musical.

In a way...

...you knew her.

Shane?

What?

Oh, my God! I'm really, really high!

Why? - I'm really, really high.

Like, high! - Are you okay?

I'm great. I'm great.

Never better. - Are you guys...

Hey. Hi. Yeah. Yeah. - Are you guys okay?

All right, um...

I'm sorry, but...

I got to go find Finley.

Yeah, I've got a lot of things to do.

Yeah. I got to, I got to,

I got to, uh... I got to get Tess.

Yeah. Tess.

How the hell do I get out of here?

Just up. Just get up.

Look. - What?

It's okay.

Yeah, that kissing thing was like a...

No, it's-it's okay. It's... - You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I just want to say...

thank you for bringing me to this.

Yeah. - All right, but...

just keep it in the yurt, okay?

Mm-hmm. Oh, guess what?

What? - I saw Dana.

You did?

How is she?

She said the one is still out there for me.

"You Are My Sunshine" by Jasmine Thompson

Okay...

The other night, dear

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you

In my arms

When I awoke, dear

No way.

I was mistaken

- They knew her in a way... - So I bowed

My head and I cried

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you

Please don't take

My sunshine away - You're brilliant.

You are my sunshine...

I know who it is. I know who it is.

Okay.

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

Hey.

Hey. - You're back.

Uh...

I didn't know if you were working today.

Nope. No.

I actually took care of something else.

Huh?

Oh, shit. You bought the car?

I did. By myself.

And, uh...

I wanted to say I'm sorry about the other day.

I, uh...

it was good to do it on my own, actually.

I think it's good for us to have some time apart.

You know? I have so much shit I want to do for myself

and it's hard when we're together.

We just need to make time for ourselves

as, like, separate people, you know?

And then for us as a couple.

But I actually think we're getting pretty good at it.

Hey.

We'll be like life coaches

after a couple years of this shit, all right?

Sophie?

What's wrong?

Is it...?

Are you mad at me?

No.

I can't do this anymore.

I love you,

but I am not my full self when I'm with you, Finn.

Oh, okay...

Um, what does that mean?

It means that I twist and turn my insides

to be the person that I think you want me to be,

and I did it with Dani, too.

Um... Okay.

But you're not-- you're not trying to end this,

right? Because we can do stuff.

We can figure this out.

You're looking at me like that, but...

It's over, Finn.

It has to be.

I don't want to hurt you but

I need to be alone, okay?

somber music

Hello, Tess?

Hello?

Tess?

Are you home?

Tess?

Hey.

Um, I promise I'll leave if you want me to.

All right? But...

I just, I want to say that, um...

I-I've realized something.

And this could sound crazy, but...

Uh...

I realized that...

I've been hanging on to this part of me

for a very long time.

And I'm scared to let that go because...

I don't know who I am without it.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Well, with that being said...

I'd like another chance to get better at this.

And I...

I want to earn your trust back.

What? What?

I didn't, I didn't say that to make you cry,

I swear, I swear. What?

My mom died.

sentimental music