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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,052 [CELL DOOR CLANGS] 2 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,420 SINGLE FILE. 3 00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:22,756 STAY TO THE RIGHT OF THE LINE. 4 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:23,791 TAKE YOUR TIME. 5 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,228 TAKE A GOOD LOOK. 6 00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:29,830 HEY, UM, ARE YOU SURE THEY CAN'T SEE US? 7 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,065 ONE-WAY MIRROR, MA'AM. 8 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:35,969 PICTURE, IN 3...2...1. 9 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,438 [CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS] 10 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:43,944 * GIRLS HIT BACK * 11 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,780 * WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT * 12 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:51,252 * WHERE YOU MOST REGRET IT * 13 00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:55,556 * GIRLS THINK THEY'RE MISUNDERSTOOD * 14 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,592 * BUT I KNOW GODDAMNED WELL * 15 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:02,830 * ALL THE THINGS THEY DO THEY DO TO NERVE ME * 16 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,398 * I DON'T MEAN TO SAY IT * 17 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:09,103 * BUT SOMEBODY NEEDS TO PUT AN END TO GIRLS * 18 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:15,109 * WISH I DIDN'T NEED THEM * 19 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:18,312 A HEINOUS CRIME HAS BEEN COMMITTED HERE. 20 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,248 SHOULD YOU DECIDE THAT YOUR TESTIMONY 21 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:21,849 MIGHT JEOPARDIZE YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY-- 22 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,685 LOOK, SIPOWICZ, I SAID I'D TELL YOU EVERYTHING. 23 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:29,790 I WAS JUST HOPING WE COULD FINISH THIS UP BEFORE MENOPAUSE KICKS IN. 24 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,926 LET'S START WITH THE ONE THAT THINKS HER BUTT DON'T STINK... 25 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:35,363 DIANE WESTON. 26 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:40,234 SHE'S LIKE A DAMN POSTER CHILD FOR HIGH SCHOOL. 27 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,802 MORNING, SUNSHINE. 28 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,872 REMEMBER, THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. 29 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,009 SO FAR. 30 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,878 Lisa: SHE'S THE "A" SQUAD CAPTAIN. 31 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,346 SHE STOLE THAT TITLE FROM ME. 32 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,182 YOU SHOULD CHARGE HER WITH THAT. 33 00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:56,250 Woman: ALRIGHT, LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP. 34 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,019 Man: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO... 35 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,288 ONE, AND TWO-- 36 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,290 HI, BRUCE. YOU LOOK CUTE. 37 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:03,491 TOMMY HILFIGER. 38 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,893 I'M HOPING 4th YEAR'S THE CHARM. 39 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,027 HEH. 40 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,497 OUTTA MY WAY, BRUCE. I'M UP. 41 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:10,998 [CRIES] 42 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,667 LISA... IS THAT YOU? 43 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,105 I LOST A LITTLE WEIGHT. 44 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,140 WOW. 45 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,775 THIS REALLY SHOULD'VE BEEN MY YEAR. 46 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,411 I HAD A LOT OF WORK DONE. 47 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,480 I MEAN, I HAD DONE A LOT OF WORK OVER THE SUMMER. 48 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,916 YOU COULD TELL I MADE HER NERVOUS. 49 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:33,387 BUT THEY HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, SPREAD THE TALENT AROUND, SO... 50 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:37,191 I'VE BEEN ON THE "B" SQUAD FOR 4 YEARS. 51 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,527 NOW, THE SQUAD AS A WHOLE... 52 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,695 THEY'RE CLOSER THAN CAROLINA COUSINS. 53 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:45,233 I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE LIKE COUSINS OR SOMETHING, 54 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,502 BUT THAT'S JUST MOSTLY THE EGG-OFFS IN BAND. 55 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,241 TRUTH IS THEY'RE SO CLOSE 56 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,009 THEY ALL GET THEIR MONTHLY VISIT FROM AUNT ROSE 57 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,445 AT THE SAME TIME. 58 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,647 THIS ONE'S HANNAH WALD. 59 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,015 SHE'S LIKE THIS UBERCHRISTIAN, 60 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,451 DOESN'T REALLY SAY MUCH. 61 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,553 IN FACT, IF SHE WASN'T KIND OF PRETTY, 62 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,821 YOU'D GO, "HEY, WHO'S THE TART?" 63 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,291 THEN THERE'S CLEO MILLER. 64 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,461 NUMBER ONE: NOT A REAL C-CUP. 65 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,128 I'VE BEEN IN THE LOCKER ROOM. 66 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,864 AND NUMBER 2... 67 00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,767 SHE HAS TO SEE THE SCHOOL SHRINK. 68 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,470 SHE'S COMPLETELY OBSESSED 69 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,971 WITH CONAN O'BRIEN. 70 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,675 Miller: DREAMS? 71 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:31,779 YOU MEAN LIKE WHERE I'M IN CONAN'S ALL-LEATHER APARTMENT? 72 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,548 HEH. I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF HE HAS ONE, 73 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,450 BUT THAT'S WHY IT'S A DREAM. 74 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:41,789 AND SUDDENLY, WE'RE BUCK-NAKED AND ALL OILED UP. 75 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,924 I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE OIL COMES FROM, 76 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,926 BUT, AGAIN, THAT'S WHY IT'S A DREAM. 77 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:49,129 Lisa: THEN THERE'S KANSAS HILL, THE ORIGINAL BAD SEED. 78 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:53,367 SON OF A BLUE-BALLED BITCH, I ALWAYS GET THIS ONE! 79 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,603 MOUTH ON HER COULD STOP A BULL IN HEAT. 80 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,571 SHE GETS HER BRAIN FROM HER MOTHER. 81 00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:59,340 KANSAS' MOM'S BEEN IN PRISON 82 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,775 EVER SINCE THE DAY SHE WAS BORN. 83 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:05,479 SHE WAS JUST LYING THERE, IN LABOR WITH KANSAS, 84 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,482 WHEN SHE HEARS SOMETHING GOING ON IN THE NEXT BED. 85 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,651 TURNS OUT IT'S KANSAS'S DAD 86 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,853 TAKING A NURSE'S TEMPERATURE. 87 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:17,157 STAY WITH ME. I'M TRYING TO BE DELICATE. 88 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:19,327 ANYWAY, SHE WHIPS OUT A SHOTGUN 89 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,329 AND BLOWS HIS ASS TO KINGDOM COME. 90 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,431 SO, SHE GOT LIFE WITHOUT PAROLE 91 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,334 AND NOW KANSAS LIVES WITH HER GRANDPARENTS. 92 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,035 AND THEN THERE'S LUCY. 93 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,070 GEEK EXTRAORDINAIRE. 94 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,705 A WALKING LEFT BRAIN. 95 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,275 SHE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS GENIUS IQ, BUT THE TRUTH IS 96 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:38,646 SHE'S AN OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE LITTLE FREAK. 97 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,350 OK, HANDS IN, LADIES. 98 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,355 TODAY, WE'RE GONNA CHEER LOUD, 99 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,557 JUMP HIGH, AND LOOK PRETTY BECAUSE... 100 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,659 All: CHEERLEADERS KICK... 101 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,094 LET'S GET GOING, 'CAUSE NO ONE EVER GOT AHEAD 102 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,830 BY SITTING ON THEIR BEHIND. 103 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:57,931 * OH, YEAH * 104 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,767 Lisa: SCHOOL YEAR STARTED OFF LIKE NORMAL. 105 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,702 PRINCIPAL SMITH GAVE HIS PEP TALK. 106 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:05,205 Smith: IF YOU ARE APPROACHED TO BUY DRUGS, 107 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,776 LET SOMEONE YOU TRUST KNOW. 108 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:14,448 IF YOU ARE THINKING OF HARMING YOURSELF, 109 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,450 OR OTHERS... 110 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,186 LET SOMEONE KNOW. 111 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,989 IF IT BURNS WHEN YOU URINATE, 112 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,625 HAVE MILKY SEEPAGE, 113 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:28,862 OR ARE BEING TOUCHED BY AN UNCLE, 114 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:31,164 LET SOMEONE KNOW. 115 00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,733 UHH. 116 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,102 Girl: COME ON, YOU GUYS! 117 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,405 LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE LINCOLN "A" SQUAD! 118 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,740 [CHEERING] 119 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,942 Lisa, voice-over: "A" SQUAD? RIGHT. 120 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:45,212 I WAS DOING BETTER DANCE NUMBERS IN GRADE SCHOOL. 121 00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:46,880 IT REALLY BURNED MY TOAST. 122 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:50,083 [GARY GLITTER'S ROCK AND ROLL, PART TWO] 123 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,854 [CLAPPING IN UNISON] 124 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,855 NOW, I KNOW IT'S MY DUTY TO GIVE YOU ALL THE FACTS. 125 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:30,958 SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY THAT THEIR CHEER BLEW 126 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,393 LIKE A BULIMIC AFTER CHRISTMAS DINNER. 127 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,832 THEIR BLATANT DISREGARD 128 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,368 FOR NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION RULES 129 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:44,371 MADE ME SICK. 130 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,574 BASKET TOSS FLIPS AND WOOLFALL PYRAMIDS 131 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,910 OVER 2 PEOPLE HIGH ARE STRICTLY PROHIBITED. 132 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,282 YEAH! 133 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,985 I MADE A COMPLETE REPORT AND SENT IT IN. 134 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,641 Crowd: HEY! GO, LINCOLN! 135 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:24,177 HEY! GO, LINCOLN! 136 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:27,014 HEY...GO...LINCOLN! 137 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:31,051 AND, FINALLY, THE MOMENT WE'D ALL BEEN WAITING FOR... 138 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,120 Man: TRANSFERRING FROM TRUMAN HIGH, 139 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,556 THE NEW STAR QUARTERBACK 140 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,892 OF OUR MIGHTY FIGHTIN' LINCOLNS, 141 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,694 JACK BARTLETT! 142 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,563 Lisa: THAT'S WHEN JACK AND DIANE MET. 143 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:45,065 NOBODY SAW IT COMING... 144 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,200 ESPECIALLY NOT JACK. 145 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,235 [CROWD GASPS] 146 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,604 PFFFT! HA HA HA HA! 147 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,906 [NO AUDIO] 148 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,451 JACK WAS FINE. 149 00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,954 OH, MAN, WAS HE FINE. 150 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,422 IT WAS LIKE HE WAS A BAR OF CHOCOLATE 151 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,825 AND THE WHOLE SCHOOL WAS ON THE RAG. 152 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,361 EVERYONE WANTED A PIECE OF HIM. 153 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:17,364 JACK BARTLETT. 154 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,367 JACK BART-LETT. 155 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,869 JACK BARTLETT. 156 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:26,106 IS JACK BARTLETT INTERESTED IN ME? 157 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,240 Girl: I'M SORRY, 158 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,409 CAN SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE RUN THE BOARD? 159 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:32,079 IT'S CREEPY, IT'S WRONG, AND IT GOES AGAINST THE TEACHINGS 160 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,947 OF MY LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST. 161 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,316 HANNAH, IN ORDER TO GET REAL ANSWERS FROM NETHERWORLD, 162 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,952 YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A CHRISTIAN VIRGIN RUN THE BOARD. 163 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,589 YOUR KIND IS PURE. THE DEVIL WON'T MESS WITH YOU. 164 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,290 WELL, UH, TECHNICALLY, 165 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,826 I DON'T THINK I'M A VIRGIN ANYMORE. WHAT! 166 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:49,462 AT CHURCH CAMP THIS SUMMER, I'M PRETTY SURE I HAD, 167 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,832 YOU KNOW, MY FIRST ORGASM. 168 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,702 ANY SENTENCE THAT STARTS WITH, "AT CHURCH CAMP..." 169 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,136 AIN'T LEADING TO THE BIG "O." 170 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,138 THAT'S NOT TRUE. THOSE PICTURES OF CHRIST, 171 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,808 ALL SWEATY AND BARE-CHESTED ON THE CROSS, 172 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,210 ALWAYS KINDA MADE ME HOT. 173 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:06,847 I WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. 174 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,216 OK, WELL, ONE NIGHT AROUND SUNSET, 175 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,251 I WENT HORSEBACK RIDING WITH THE NUNS. 176 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,753 THEY WENT EVERY NIGHT. 177 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,988 AND WE'RE TROTTING PRETTY HARD, YOU KNOW? 178 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,924 ALL OF A SUDDEN, I FEEL-- 179 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,327 I FEEL JUST SUPER-ALIVE, YOU KNOW? 180 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,829 [LAUGHING] 181 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,698 MAYBE I'LL JUST ASK THE QUESTION MYSELF. 182 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,702 IS JACK BARTLETT INTERESTED IN ME? 183 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,238 HEE. 184 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,806 HE IS. 185 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,146 Girl: HEY, MAN, IS THIS THING, LIKE, ON? 186 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:42,482 OK, I'M JUST HERE TO ANNOUNCE MY CANDIDACY 187 00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,151 FOR THE HOMECOMING QUEEN. 188 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,487 UH, I PLAN TO SPREAD THE WORD ON 4-H. 189 00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,222 IT'S ALL ABOUT THE COWS, MAN... 190 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:52,059 Lisa, voice-over: I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU-- MOST OF US REALIZED 191 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,728 WE DIDN'T HAVE A WHORE'S CHANCE IN HEAVEN WITH JACK, 192 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,529 THE DAY OF THE CANDIDATE SPEECHES. 193 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,465 YOUTH... 194 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,400 AND AGRICULTURE. 195 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,335 4-H! 4-H RULES! 196 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:06,306 [SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE] 197 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,210 Boy: THANK YOU, SIR. 198 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,244 Diane: GOOD JOB. 199 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,146 [FEEDBACK] 200 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,215 UM, AS--AS THE A-V CLUB CANDIDATE-- 201 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,986 I THINK, FOR THE-- FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 50 YEARS-- 202 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,221 UH, WE SHOULD-- WE SHOULD SAY NO. 203 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:25,793 WE SHOULD SAY NO TO A FOOTBALL PLAYER AS KING. 204 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,595 VOTE BRAINS OVER BRAWN-- 205 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,263 HA HA HA! 206 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,398 [LAUGHING] 207 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,733 AW. 208 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,676 [CHEERING] 209 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,718 WOO! 210 00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,387 Lisa, voice-over: IT WAS THE FIRST TIME 211 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,456 MOST OF US EVEN HEARD JACK SPEAK. 212 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,591 THANKS, WOW, HEH HEH. 213 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,128 WE WEREN'T DISAPPOINTED. 214 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,463 OK, GUYS. HEY, GUYS... 215 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,898 WOULD YOU SHUT UP A MINUTE? 216 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:05,899 [CHEERING STOPS] 217 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:06,934 I WAS JUST JOKING. 218 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,136 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 219 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:13,073 WELL, UH, I JUST THINK IT REALLY ROCKS 220 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,342 THAT THE FOOTBALL TEAM PICKED ME AS THEIR 221 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,244 YOU KNOW, UM, CANDIDATE. 222 00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:18,111 [CHEERING] 223 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,346 Boys: WOOF, WOOF, WOOF. 224 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,380 YEAH! 225 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,082 Girls: WE LOVE YOU, JACK! 226 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,151 WELL, I LOVE YOU, TOO, LUNCH LADIES. 227 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:29,289 I JUST WANNA SAY THAT THERE'S ONLY 3 THINGS I WANT IN LIFE-- 228 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,292 TO SOMEDAY BECOME A SENATOR OF THIS GREAT STATE... 229 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,427 [CHEERING] 230 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,296 I WANNA LEAD THE MIGHTY FIGHTIN' LINCOLNS 231 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,165 TO VICTORY AT THE HOMECOMING GAME. 232 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:39,733 [CHEERING] 233 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,968 Diane: ALRIGHT! 234 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,002 OW! 235 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:46,273 AND, UH, I WANT TO GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE 236 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,507 WITH DIANE WESTON. 237 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,743 [AUDIENCE GASPS] 238 00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:57,017 [CHEERING] 239 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,051 HA HA HA. 240 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,021 [SQUEALING] 241 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,236 Lisa: UGH, THEY WERE LIKE FRIGGIN' BARBIE AND KEN, 242 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,772 BUT WITHOUT THE PINK, REMOTE-CONTROL CORVETTE. 243 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,008 OVERNIGHT, PEOPLE WERE GOING, LIKE... 244 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,510 OHH, THEY'RE THE PERFECT COUPLE. 245 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,913 THEY'RE SO CUTE. 246 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,981 Lisa: I'M SURE IT GAVE THE INTERNET WHACKS 247 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,183 SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT BESIDES AGENT SCULLY 248 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,920 AND THEIR MOST RECENT WET DREAM. 249 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,024 NOW, I'M NOT ONE TO GOSSIP... 250 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:44,097 BUT I THINK JACK AND DIANE GOT SO CLOSE, SO FAST, 251 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,801 BECAUSE THEY DISCOVERED HOW MUCH THEY BOTH LOVED... 252 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,169 FOOTBALL. 253 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:52,005 MAN, DID THEY LOVE THEIR FOOTBALL. 254 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,308 Cheerleaders: HEY, HO, LET'S GO! 255 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,977 HEY, HO... 256 00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,946 Lisa: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE "HEY," 257 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,448 BUT "HO" IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY. 258 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,016 IF THEY'D ASKED, 259 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,618 I EASILY COULD'VE HELPED THEM WITH SOME NEW MATERIAL. 260 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,121 GREEN 88! GREEN 88! 261 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:10,557 SET, HUT. 262 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,306 * HEY, HO * 263 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,674 * LET'S GO * 264 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,076 * HEY, HO * 265 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,911 * LET'S GO * 266 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,280 WOO-HOO! 267 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:46,927 I...LOVE...YOU. 268 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:51,531 I...LOVE...YOU. 269 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,574 [WHISTLE BLOWS] 270 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,678 WOO! WOO, YEAH! 271 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,214 HA HA! 272 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,681 YEAH! 273 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,417 YEAH, BABY. 274 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,186 OOF! 275 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,890 * HEY, HO, LET'S GO * 276 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,258 Lisa: RIGHT ABOUT HERE 277 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,493 IS WHERE IT REALLY STARTED TO HIT THE FAN. 278 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,963 DON'T WORRY, I'LL CLEAN THIS UP A BIT 279 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,933 IF I HAVE TO APPEAR IN COURT. 280 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,268 ESPECIALLY IF WE'RE ON COURT TV. 281 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,241 [GASPS] 282 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,776 EXCUSE ME, VENDELA, HAVE YOU SEEN DIANE? 283 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:40,547 BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE TONIGHT. 284 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,216 [KISSING NOISES] 285 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,217 OH. 286 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,785 MMM. 287 00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,820 OH, BABY. 288 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,156 MMM. OH! 289 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:52,425 OH! OH! 290 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:53,626 AW, LOOK AT THIS. 291 00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:54,894 [ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY] 292 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,196 OH, MY, LOOK AT THAT. 293 00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,898 LOOK AT THOSE TWO. 294 00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:01,834 ALRIGHT. HOLD UP. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE. 295 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,972 ME AND DIANE, UH... 296 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,707 OH, WHAT THE HEY? WE'RE GETTING MARRIED. 297 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:11,144 NO! YES! HA HA HA! 298 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:14,081 [EVERYONE YELLING EXCITEDLY] 299 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:16,916 Diane: BUT, WELL... 300 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,186 NOT BEFORE I HAVE OUR BABY. 301 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,490 AAAH! 302 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,458 SO, WHEN YOUR DAD SAID, 303 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,195 "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR F-ING FACES AGAIN," 304 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,964 DO YOU THINK HE MEANT "FOREVER" FOREVER 305 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,266 OR JUST UNTIL YOUR MOM WAKES UP? 306 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,935 [SIGHS] I DON'T KNOW. 307 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:37,370 WHAT WAS THAT SOUND SHE MADE 308 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,107 RIGHT BEFORE SHE HIT THE GROUND? 309 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:46,113 WELL, IF I HAD TO GUESS, 310 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,381 I'D SAY THAT WAS THE SOUND OF A MOTHER 311 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,251 SAYING GOOD-BYE TO HER LITTLE BOY 312 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,853 AND HELLO TO THE YOUNG MAN 313 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,389 WHO'S GOING TO BE A DADDY OF HIS OWN. 314 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,528 JACK...DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE HERE? 315 00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,630 SPIT FROM YOUR DAD? 316 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,034 HEH. I SEE A FLOWER. 317 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,502 AND YOU KNOW, EVEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS 318 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,438 STILL GROW FROM DIRT. 319 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:13,540 YEAH. 320 00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,908 AND WHILE WE'RE KNEE-DEEP IN IT RIGHT NOW 321 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,245 AND THINGS MAY SEEM PRETTY STINKY, 322 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:22,149 IN THE LONG RUN WE'RE GONNA GROW STRONG FROM THIS. 323 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:23,816 YOU THINK? 324 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,252 I SURE DO. 325 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,054 DIANE... 326 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,824 I-I'VE LOVED YOU SINCE I FIRST SAW YOU. 327 00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,226 [SIGHS] 328 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,296 RIGHT BEFORE YOU KICKED ME IN THE HEAD. 329 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,765 OH, JACK. 330 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,301 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 331 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,272 [MOANING] 332 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,307 [POP BALLAD STARTS] 333 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:53,046 * YOU CAN BE HAPPY WHEN EVERYONE'S SINGING * 334 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:55,248 * IT'S SO FUN * 335 00:16:56,683 --> 00:17:01,754 * JUST TRY TO REMEMBER... * 336 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,756 Lisa, voice-over: NOW...I DON'T THINK 337 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:07,327 DIANE JUST UP AND TOLD THE SQUAD ABOUT THE BABY THAT NIGHT, 338 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:10,597 BUT SOMEHOW THEY MANAGED TO FIGURE IT OUT. 339 00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:13,200 Diane: NO, THANKS. DON'T NEED ONE. 340 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,136 [TOILET FLUSHES] 341 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,374 SO? 342 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,244 HOLY SMOKE. 343 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,946 YOU JUST BECAME A STATISTIC. 344 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:29,048 OH, MY GOD. I'M NOT THE FIRST. 345 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,950 BUT--BUT YOU'RE NOT MARRIED. 346 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:34,354 WAIT, DID YOU SAY YOU ARE PREGNANT OR YOU WERE PREGNANT? 347 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,089 YOU HAD IT, THREW IT OUT, 348 00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,924 NOW YOU'RE GONNA DANCE ALL NIGHT? 349 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,526 Fern: SHUT UP, CLEO. 350 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,794 DI, HOW MUCH YOU NEED FOR AN ABORTION? 351 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,231 WHAT?! NO. NOT AN ABORTION. 352 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,666 MY CHURCH CAN ARRANGE FOR YOU TO GO TO OREGON 353 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,102 AND TAKE CARE OF AN AUNT FOR 9 MONTHS. 354 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,537 THEY FIND YOUR BABY A HOME, 355 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,905 YOU COME BACK A LITTLE DAZED AND PUFFY 356 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,341 BUT EVERYTHING'S FINE. 357 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,809 PLEASE, DI, DON'T BE A WHORE AND A MURDERER. 358 00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,845 [GIRLS GASP] 359 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,114 Lisa, voice-over: JACK TOLD THE TEAM THAT NIGHT. 360 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,915 Jack: HEY, GUYS, I, UH... 361 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,552 I GOT DIANE PREGNANT. 362 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:06,719 WHAT? 363 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,455 WELL, ALRIGHT! 364 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,623 YOU NAILED DIANE WESTON? 365 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,726 HA! I'D NEVER WASH MY JOHNSON AGAIN. 366 00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:14,761 [LAUGHING] 367 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:15,795 HEY. 368 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,929 YEAH. 369 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,298 HA-HOO! 370 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,502 [CLEARS THROAT] 371 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,439 I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY "WHORE," DIANE. 372 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,741 JUST THAT I HEAR IT SO MUCH AT CHURCH 373 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,344 IT KIND OF CAME FLYING OUT OF MY HEAD. 374 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,380 I KNOW, HANNAH. 375 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,948 LOOK...I'M NOT GONNA GET AN ABORTION. 376 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:39,386 I'VE ALWAYS PLANNED ON GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS. 377 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,921 I'M JUST GOING A LITTLE OUT OF ORDER. 378 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:44,123 [GIGGLES] 379 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,526 KIND OF REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER YOUNG LADY 380 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:51,731 WHO FOUND HERSELF WITH CHILD, UNMARRIED... 381 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,000 ON A LONG, LONG ROAD... 382 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,902 WITH NO PLACE TO SLEEP. 383 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:59,972 OF COURSE, THAT WAS A LONG, LONG TIME AGO. 384 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,041 BUT NO MATTER WHAT, 385 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:05,378 SHE HELD HER HEAD HIGH AND SAID, 386 00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:08,881 "PAPA, DON'T PREACH. 387 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,983 "I'M IN TROUBLE DEEP. 388 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:14,086 "PAPA, DON'T PREACH, 389 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,155 "'CAUSE I MADE UP MY MIND. 390 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,090 "I'M KEEPIN' MY BABY. 391 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,794 YEAH, I'M GONNA KEEP MY BABY." 392 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,898 THE GREAT ONE. 393 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,200 All: MADONNA. 394 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,469 Cleo: WE'RE HERE FOR YOU, DIANE. 395 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,672 YOU GUYS... 396 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,841 THANKS. OH... 397 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,212 I'LL PRAY FOR YOU EVERY NIGHT. 398 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,513 WE LOVE YOU. 399 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:43,115 I LOVE YOU GUYS. YOU'RE THE BEST. 400 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,052 Lisa, voice-over: I GUESS THEIR LITTLE FAIRY TALE COULD'VE ENDED THERE. 401 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,188 THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS THEY DIDN'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. 402 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:52,158 WHAT? BUT ALL OF OUR PAPERWORK'S HERE. 403 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,693 MY SCHOOL RECORDS 404 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,428 AND JACK'S FOOTBALL RECORDS. 405 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,464 LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING... 406 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,131 NO, WAIT-- DID I SAY... 407 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,667 "CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE" 408 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,602 THAT WE WILL NEVER MISS A PAYMENT? 409 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,838 UH, YES. YES, YOU DID. 410 00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,140 I think I know where this one's going. 411 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,976 UM, LISTEN... 412 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,779 I'M WILLING TO PUT UP MY PAPERS ON MY GTO. 413 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:17,417 NOW, SHE'S GOT A FEW MILES ON HER, BUT SHE LOOKS GREAT. 414 00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:18,851 I'M SURE, SON, BUT, UM... 415 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:19,886 OH, OW! 416 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,821 SHE'S TWISTING MY ARM. 417 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,923 I'M GONNA THROW IN THE SPEAKERS, TOO. 418 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:27,193 WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAVE YOUR PARENTS COME AND GET THE LOAN 419 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,329 AND THEN THEY CAN GIVE YOU THE MONEY? 420 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,197 WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MA'AM, 421 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:34,334 JACK AND DIANE BARTLETT... [GIGGLES] 422 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,102 DO NOT ACCEPT CHARITY. 423 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,171 WE ARE 2 YOUNG, ABLE-BODIED AMERICANS. 424 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,073 WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A HANDOUT 425 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,542 WE'RE LOOKING FOR A HAND UP. 426 00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:45,712 GIVE US FOOD, AND WE'LL BE HUNGRY TOMORROW 427 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,979 BUT GIVE US CORN-- 428 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:49,382 THE KIND YOU PLANT, NOT EAT-- 429 00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,784 AND WE'LL GROW IT 430 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:55,121 AND UH, UM...CUT IT, 431 00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:57,056 AND, UH... 432 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,691 YOU KNOW, EAT IT. 433 00:20:58,758 --> 00:20:59,892 HMM. 434 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,494 NOW, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED 435 00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:04,331 IN GIVING US A HOME LOAN, I WILL SIT BACK DOWN. 436 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,766 IF NOT, HAVE A NICE DAY, MA'AM. 437 00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:09,235 SORRY. MY HANDS ARE TIED. 438 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,470 OH! 439 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,443 WHEW. 440 00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:19,712 Lisa, voice-over: SOMEHOW, THEY MANAGED TO FIND THEIR DREAM HOUSE ANYWAY. 441 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:22,048 MORE OF A DUMP, IF YOU ASK ME. 442 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,082 WE'LL TAKE IT. 443 00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:24,451 [BABY CRYING] 444 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:28,488 FINE. SETTLE DOWN, OK? JUST KEEP IN MIND-- 445 00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:32,058 I MANAGE THE BUILDING, OK? I DON'T OWN IT AND DON'T FIX SQUAT. 446 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,494 AND I ALSO DON'T CARE IF THINGS BREAK, OK? 447 00:21:34,561 --> 00:21:36,128 ALL I CARE IS YOU LITTLE BASTARDS 448 00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:39,399 SHOVE THE RENT UNDER MY DOOR ON THE FIRST, YOU GOT THAT? 449 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:40,800 YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? 450 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:44,236 OK. OH, YEAH, AND ONE MORE THING. 451 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,905 YOU SEE ANY PACKAGES OUTSIDE MY DOOR, 452 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:49,241 YOU LEAVE 'EM THE HELL ALONE. CAPISCE? 453 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,477 UGH... 454 00:21:54,347 --> 00:21:57,216 Jack: 2 TACO GRR-RRANDES! 455 00:21:57,283 --> 00:22:01,354 ONE BEAN BURR-RRITO. 456 00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:05,825 A LARGE TACO CHIP. 457 00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:07,960 AND GUACAMOLE. 458 00:22:08,027 --> 00:22:10,329 [CHATTERING] 459 00:22:10,397 --> 00:22:12,298 AND THAT'LL BE... 460 00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:15,402 35 CENTS. 461 00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:21,508 WE DON'T REALLY HAVE FRIED RATS IN THE BUCKETS. 462 00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:25,478 I KNOW. I CHECKED. 463 00:22:28,147 --> 00:22:29,516 I'M GONNA SAVE YOU THE TIME. 464 00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,551 I'M NOT GONNA LIE. DON'T BELIEVE IN IT. 465 00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:33,820 IF YOU PICK YOUR ASS, I'M GONNA TELL PEOPLE. 466 00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:36,055 HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO RUN YOUR REGISTER. 467 00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:37,557 YOU'RE JACK BARTLETT, RIGHT? 468 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,392 YEAH. 469 00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:41,828 SO, YOU'D BE, LIKE, HANGING OUT WITH US 470 00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:43,863 EVERY NIGHT AFTER SCHOOL, THEN, RIGHT? 471 00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:46,365 YEAH. WELL, I MEAN, AFTER FOOTBALL PRACTICE, YEAH. 472 00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:48,535 FOOTBALL PRACTICE? 473 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,372 FANTASMIC. 474 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,575 YOU'RE SO HIRED. 475 00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:03,182 [CHUCKLES] 476 00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:05,618 I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD! 477 00:23:11,758 --> 00:23:12,592 ERRR! 478 00:23:12,659 --> 00:23:14,427 HEY, DI, IF WE HAVE A GIRL, 479 00:23:14,494 --> 00:23:16,262 WE SHOULD DRESS HER LIKE LITTLE DEBBIE. 480 00:23:16,328 --> 00:23:17,897 JACK, HONEY, I'M ONLY EATING FOR TWO. 481 00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:19,732 I KNOW, BUT THIS FOOD REMINDS ME 482 00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:21,601 HOW MUCH I WANNA TEACH OUR BABY, 483 00:23:21,668 --> 00:23:23,870 LIKE COCOA PUFFS IS GOOD, CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS BAD. 484 00:23:23,936 --> 00:23:25,705 IT SHREDS THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH. 485 00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:26,939 YOU'RE NOT BORN WITH KNOWLEDGE. 486 00:23:27,006 --> 00:23:28,741 YOU HEAR "TRIX ARE FOR KIDS." 487 00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:31,444 YOU THINK, "I'M A KID, I GUESS THEY'RE FOR ME." 488 00:23:31,511 --> 00:23:33,312 BUT YOUR LITTLE BABY BRAIN'S GOT NO IDEA 489 00:23:33,379 --> 00:23:36,215 THAT LUCKY CHARMS ARE A MILLION TIMES BETTER FOR YOU. 490 00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:37,750 JACK? 491 00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:40,653 HEY. POP QUIZ. IF YOU COULD BE COUNT CHOCULA 492 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,922 OR TRIX THE RABBIT, WHO WOULD YOU BE? 493 00:23:42,989 --> 00:23:44,991 UH...TRIX. 494 00:23:45,057 --> 00:23:48,227 ME, TOO. GOD! WILL IT NEVER END? 495 00:23:48,294 --> 00:23:50,229 I LOVE THIS LADY! 496 00:23:50,296 --> 00:23:51,330 [GIGGLES] 497 00:23:51,397 --> 00:23:52,431 AH! 498 00:23:52,499 --> 00:23:55,568 JACK, I THINK I SHOULD GET A JOB. 499 00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:58,437 NO, BUT WE AGREED YOUR JOB'S RUNNING THE BABY MACHINE. 500 00:23:58,505 --> 00:24:00,306 I KNOW, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I REALIZED-- 501 00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:03,175 OH...I ALMOST FORGOT GAS FOR THE BABY MACHINE. 502 00:24:03,242 --> 00:24:06,479 I'M GONNA GET YOUR SNICKERS AND MEET YOU IN LINE, OK? 503 00:24:06,546 --> 00:24:08,848 MMM. I LOVE YOU. LOVE YOU. 504 00:24:11,350 --> 00:24:12,719 [SIGHS] 505 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:15,622 Woman on P.A.: ATTENTION, BOB. CLEANUP ON AISLE 3. 506 00:24:25,264 --> 00:24:26,298 [CASH REGISTER BEEPING] 507 00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:28,367 Jack: HEY, DI! 508 00:24:28,434 --> 00:24:29,802 HI, I'M A LITTLE PROFESSOR! 509 00:24:29,869 --> 00:24:32,271 WOULDN'T IT BE CUTE IF OURS LOOKED LIKE THIS? 510 00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:33,840 YEAH, YOU LITTLE MARSH--UH! 511 00:24:33,906 --> 00:24:35,074 HONEY! 512 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,544 OH, I AM REALLY SORRY. 513 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:39,045 JACK... 514 00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:46,085 I NEVER KNEW YOU DREAMED OF WORKING 515 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:48,120 IN A GROCERY STORE BANK BRANCH. 516 00:24:48,187 --> 00:24:51,090 BABY, WE ARE LIVING THE GREAT AMERICAN DREAM. 517 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:52,391 MM-HMM. 518 00:24:52,458 --> 00:24:53,826 IF YOU REACH FOR THE STARS, 519 00:24:53,893 --> 00:24:58,230 YOU'RE BOUND TO STEP-- MM! JACK, PULL OVER. 520 00:24:58,297 --> 00:24:59,532 MM. PULL OVER. 521 00:24:59,599 --> 00:25:01,601 OH, JEEZ! EW! 522 00:25:01,668 --> 00:25:03,235 [TIRES SQUEAL] 523 00:25:05,204 --> 00:25:06,405 [VOMITS] 524 00:25:06,472 --> 00:25:08,374 WHY DO THEY CALL IT MORNING SICKNESS? 525 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,743 IT'S OK. GET IT ALL OUT. 526 00:25:10,810 --> 00:25:12,979 HAVE ANY BREATH MINTS? 527 00:25:13,045 --> 00:25:14,146 OH... 528 00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:16,783 Jack: SO, SHE'S IN MY HANDS, RIGHT? 529 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,885 WARM TO THE TOUCH. 530 00:25:18,951 --> 00:25:22,054 NOW, IT'S AT THAT SECOND THAT I THINK I CONTROL HER-- 531 00:25:22,121 --> 00:25:23,422 SHE'S MINE. 532 00:25:23,489 --> 00:25:25,424 BUT IT'S A FALSE ILLUSION. 533 00:25:25,491 --> 00:25:28,060 YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE IN THAT MOVIE BACKDRAFT. 534 00:25:28,127 --> 00:25:30,697 "NO MAN CONTROLS FIRE." 535 00:25:32,231 --> 00:25:34,533 SO, SHE'S READY. 536 00:25:34,601 --> 00:25:35,702 I'M READY. HEH. 537 00:25:35,768 --> 00:25:37,670 SHE'S READY. 538 00:25:37,737 --> 00:25:39,639 I YELL... 539 00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,141 "42-58. HIKE!" 540 00:25:43,309 --> 00:25:45,311 BAA! TOUCHDOWN. 541 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,148 [SHIVERS] 542 00:25:49,215 --> 00:25:50,983 [GUITAR STRUMMING] 543 00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:53,953 * READY TO GO * 544 00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,255 WHERE WERE WE? 545 00:25:59,792 --> 00:26:03,095 * READY TO GO * 546 00:26:08,434 --> 00:26:10,336 [LOUD DRIVING BEAT] 547 00:26:15,642 --> 00:26:17,777 [POUNDING ON DOOR] 548 00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:24,050 I NEED A PLACE TO KEEP THIS. 549 00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:26,518 SO IF ANYONE ASKS, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? 550 00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:28,721 THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DON'T KNOW SQUAT. 551 00:26:30,790 --> 00:26:32,391 * IT'S A CRACK, I'M BACK * 552 00:26:32,458 --> 00:26:34,126 * YEAH, I'M STANDING ON ROOFTOPS... * 553 00:26:34,193 --> 00:26:35,828 [SQUEALS] 554 00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:39,165 * BABY, I'M READY TO GO * 555 00:26:39,231 --> 00:26:42,835 * I'M BACK AND READY TO GO * 556 00:26:42,902 --> 00:26:45,571 * FROM THE ROOFTOPS, SHOUT IT OUT * 557 00:26:45,638 --> 00:26:47,306 * IT'S A CRACK, I'M BACK * 558 00:26:47,373 --> 00:26:50,677 * YEAH, I'M STANDING ON THE ROOFTOPS HAVING IT * 559 00:26:50,743 --> 00:26:53,946 * BABY, I'M READY TO GO * 560 00:26:54,013 --> 00:26:57,416 * I'M BACK AND READY TO GO * 561 00:26:57,483 --> 00:27:01,553 * FROM THE ROOFTOPS, SHOUT IT OUT * 562 00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:05,692 * BABY, I'M READY TO GO * 563 00:27:05,758 --> 00:27:09,495 COME ON, JACK, YOU PROMISED. 564 00:27:09,561 --> 00:27:10,963 [SIGHS] OK. ONE QUESTION. 565 00:27:11,030 --> 00:27:13,733 OH, ME, ME, ME! MINE'S GREAT. 566 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,068 [DEEP VOICE] PROCEED, DUNGEON MASTER QUON. 567 00:27:18,004 --> 00:27:19,005 OK, JACK. 568 00:27:19,071 --> 00:27:23,309 YOU KNOW HOW YOU AND DIANE SLEPT TOGETHER? 569 00:27:23,375 --> 00:27:25,077 YEAH. 570 00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:27,680 WELL, NOW THAT YOU CAN'T SLEEP TOGETHER 571 00:27:27,747 --> 00:27:29,248 BUT YOU STILL SLEEP TOGETHER, 572 00:27:29,315 --> 00:27:32,719 DON'T YOU EVER GET JUST, LIKE, SUPER HORNY? 573 00:27:32,785 --> 00:27:35,788 AND IF SO, HOW HORNY? 574 00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:38,758 I'LL BE QUIET NOW SO I CAN LISTEN TO YOUR ANSWER. 575 00:27:38,825 --> 00:27:40,526 Lisa: YEAH, JACK. 576 00:27:40,592 --> 00:27:43,830 I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR ANSWER. 577 00:27:43,896 --> 00:27:45,765 THE ANSWER'S EASY. 578 00:27:45,832 --> 00:27:47,266 OH, UH... 579 00:27:47,333 --> 00:27:49,568 LOLITAIS DUE BACK TOMORROW. 580 00:27:49,635 --> 00:27:51,771 SAME FOR 9 1/2 WEEKS 581 00:27:51,838 --> 00:27:53,639 AND DITTO ON WILD THINGS. 582 00:27:53,706 --> 00:27:55,107 [BEEP] 583 00:27:56,442 --> 00:28:00,346 GUYS...I'M GOING TO BE A DAD. 584 00:28:00,412 --> 00:28:02,581 DADS DON'T GET HORNY. 585 00:28:02,648 --> 00:28:03,950 [SIGHS] 586 00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,785 Lisa, voice-over: TO THE KIDS AT SCHOOL, 587 00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,920 JACK AND DIANE HAD IT ALL. 588 00:28:07,987 --> 00:28:09,922 THEIR OWN APARTMENT, STAYING UP LATE, 589 00:28:09,989 --> 00:28:11,323 EATING WHATEVER THEY WANTED, 590 00:28:11,390 --> 00:28:13,059 PLUS JACK WAS GETTING A DISCOUNT 591 00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:16,295 ON R-RATED MOVIES AT THE VIDEO STORE. 592 00:28:16,362 --> 00:28:18,297 HELLO? REALITY CHECK. 593 00:28:18,364 --> 00:28:21,834 SCHOOL, PRACTICE, WORK, AND LAMAZE CLASS? 594 00:28:21,901 --> 00:28:25,171 IT WAS REALLY STARTING TO TAKE ITS TOLL. 595 00:28:25,237 --> 00:28:27,974 [CROWD SHOUTING] 2, 4, 6, 8... 596 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,277 FIGHTING LINCOLNS ON TO STATE! 597 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:35,414 FIGHT! 598 00:28:35,481 --> 00:28:37,083 LINCOLN! FIGHT! 599 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,290 Jack: BLUE 42! BLUE 42! 600 00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:48,294 HIKE! 601 00:29:00,907 --> 00:29:02,775 [PANTING] 602 00:29:02,842 --> 00:29:05,144 [GRUNTING] 603 00:29:08,547 --> 00:29:10,482 Lisa: OK, SO THEY WON STATE. 604 00:29:10,549 --> 00:29:13,185 B.F.D. 605 00:29:13,252 --> 00:29:14,286 THE BEST PART WAS 606 00:29:14,353 --> 00:29:16,989 DIANE WAS REALLY STARTING TO LOOK LIKE HELL. 607 00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:20,092 Kansas: DIANE? DIANE! 608 00:29:20,159 --> 00:29:21,760 HUH? WHAT? 609 00:29:21,828 --> 00:29:25,097 I'M UNDER THE ICE! I'M UNDER THE ICE! 610 00:29:27,633 --> 00:29:28,801 HUH? 611 00:29:33,039 --> 00:29:35,341 OH, MAN, THAT WAS A WEIRD ONE. 612 00:29:35,407 --> 00:29:36,876 ANOTHER SEX DREAM? 613 00:29:36,943 --> 00:29:39,678 WAYNE GRETZKY. HAT TRICK? 614 00:29:39,745 --> 00:29:41,213 HE IS THE GREAT ONE. 615 00:29:41,814 --> 00:29:42,781 HEH HEH. 616 00:29:42,849 --> 00:29:44,650 OH, MY GOD. 617 00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,052 YOU'VE BEEN ROBBED. 618 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,654 NO, I'VE BEEN PREGNANT. 619 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:50,289 DI, ARE YOU OK? 620 00:29:50,356 --> 00:29:53,792 WE CAN SKIP THE GIRL PARTY THIS WEEK. 621 00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:55,594 EVERYTHING'S FINE. 622 00:29:55,661 --> 00:29:57,096 I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE 623 00:29:57,163 --> 00:29:59,966 TURNING MY FROWN UPSIDE DOWN. 624 00:30:00,032 --> 00:30:03,635 WANT US TO HELP YOU PICK UP? 625 00:30:03,702 --> 00:30:06,805 DON'T MARTHA FREAKING STEWART ME. 626 00:30:06,873 --> 00:30:10,342 YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU TRY BEING A PREGNANT TEEN. 627 00:30:11,043 --> 00:30:13,112 [DIANE FARTS] 628 00:30:13,179 --> 00:30:14,713 BRENDON! GO WITH THEM. 629 00:30:14,780 --> 00:30:16,682 THEY'RE IN THE VAULT, MAN. GO! GO! 630 00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:18,484 Second man: WHO'S MR. DUGGAN? 631 00:30:18,550 --> 00:30:19,618 MR. DUGGAN. 632 00:30:19,685 --> 00:30:21,387 YOU WANT TO OPEN THE VAULT? 633 00:30:21,453 --> 00:30:23,655 OR DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT? 634 00:30:23,722 --> 00:30:25,157 DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, TERRY. 635 00:30:25,224 --> 00:30:26,125 OH. 636 00:30:26,192 --> 00:30:27,626 TAKE THE KEYS. TAKE THEM! 637 00:30:27,693 --> 00:30:29,095 Lucy: I'M CONFUSED. 638 00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:31,163 PAPPAS KNEW THE BANK ROBBERS WERE SURFERS 639 00:30:31,230 --> 00:30:33,499 BECAUSE HE SAW A TAN LINE? 640 00:30:34,867 --> 00:30:36,135 LUCE, IT'S POINT BREAK. 641 00:30:36,202 --> 00:30:38,070 JUST SHUT UP AND LOOK AT KEANU. 642 00:30:38,137 --> 00:30:41,807 DI, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE IN A HOLDUP? 643 00:30:41,874 --> 00:30:43,442 WELL... 644 00:30:43,509 --> 00:30:45,311 I GUESS I... 645 00:30:45,377 --> 00:30:47,914 I'D GIVE THEM ALL THE MONEY THEY COULD HOLD 646 00:30:47,980 --> 00:30:49,715 AND WISH THEM A GOOD LIFE. 647 00:30:49,781 --> 00:30:51,317 BECAUSE THE BEATLES WERE WRONG. 648 00:30:51,383 --> 00:30:53,986 LOVE ISN'T ALL YOU NEED. 649 00:30:54,053 --> 00:30:55,854 LOVE WON'T PAY THE RENT, 650 00:30:55,922 --> 00:30:57,990 LOVE WON'T BUY MY BABY DIAPERS, 651 00:30:58,057 --> 00:30:59,825 LOVE SURE AS HELL WON'T BUY ME 652 00:30:59,892 --> 00:31:01,260 MY NEW DOLCE & GABBANA JEANS 653 00:31:01,327 --> 00:31:03,462 WHEN I LOSE MY BABY WEIGHT. 654 00:31:05,932 --> 00:31:07,599 PRETTY SOON WE'LL BE BROKE, 655 00:31:07,666 --> 00:31:11,203 AND I'LL JUST BE ANOTHER FAT-ASS WEARING CHIC JEANS. 656 00:31:11,270 --> 00:31:12,738 [SOBBING] 657 00:31:12,804 --> 00:31:14,540 OK, PUT THE SNICKERS DOWN. 658 00:31:14,606 --> 00:31:16,108 COME KICK IT OVER HERE. 659 00:31:16,175 --> 00:31:17,977 WAIT A MINUTE! FREEZE THAT! FREEZE THAT! 660 00:31:18,044 --> 00:31:19,811 Man on TV: ...TOO MUCH TIME! 661 00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:22,214 Cleo: YEAH. CAN YOU IMAGINE? 662 00:31:22,281 --> 00:31:24,850 CONAN'S HEAD ON KEANU'S BODY? 663 00:31:24,917 --> 00:31:26,785 UNSTOPPABLE. 664 00:31:26,852 --> 00:31:29,255 NO! THAT'S IT! A BANK ROBBERY. 665 00:31:29,321 --> 00:31:31,757 A BIG PILE OF MONEY, AND MY LITTLE FAMILY-TO-BE 666 00:31:31,823 --> 00:31:33,392 COULD GET OUR HEADS ABOVE WATER. 667 00:31:33,459 --> 00:31:34,826 I READ ABOUT THIS. 668 00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:36,728 IT'S CALLED PREGNANCY INSANITY. 669 00:31:36,795 --> 00:31:39,098 LOOK, I MIGHT BE MOODY... 670 00:31:39,165 --> 00:31:40,599 I MIGHT BE GASSY... 671 00:31:40,666 --> 00:31:43,235 BUT I AM PERFECTLY SANE. THINK ABOUT IT. 672 00:31:43,302 --> 00:31:47,773 IN SCHOOL THEY TELL US DREAMS CAN COME TRUE. RIGHT? 673 00:31:47,839 --> 00:31:48,975 RIGHT. RIGHT. 674 00:31:49,041 --> 00:31:51,377 BUT THEY DON'T TELL US HOW. 675 00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:54,846 THANKS TO KEANU, I'VE FIGURED IT OUT. 676 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:58,017 MONEY MAKES YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. 677 00:31:58,817 --> 00:32:00,219 LISTEN, KANSAS, 678 00:32:00,286 --> 00:32:02,688 I KNOW YOU DREAM OF SPRINGING YOUR MOM SOMEDAY. 679 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,156 STOP, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY. 680 00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:06,092 IF THE O.J. TRIAL TAUGHT US ANYTHING, 681 00:32:06,158 --> 00:32:09,128 IT TAUGHT US, IN AMERICA, YOU CAN CUT SOMEBODY'S HEAD OFF 682 00:32:09,195 --> 00:32:10,829 AND STILL BE FOUND INNOCENT... 683 00:32:10,896 --> 00:32:13,032 AS LONG AS YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY. 684 00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:15,968 WELL, YOUR MOM ONLY SHOT A GUY. 685 00:32:16,035 --> 00:32:17,469 AND CLEO? I KNOW YOU DREAM 686 00:32:17,536 --> 00:32:21,440 OF AN ALL-LEATHER APARTMENT WITH CONAN. 687 00:32:21,507 --> 00:32:23,875 I OVERHEARD THE SCHOOL SHRINK TELLING THE LUNCH LADY. 688 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,344 OH. 689 00:32:25,411 --> 00:32:27,946 HANNAH, YOU COULD GIVE YOUR SHARE TO THE CHURCH, 690 00:32:28,014 --> 00:32:30,082 OR MAYBE BUY ONE OF THOSE STARVING KIDS 691 00:32:30,149 --> 00:32:31,984 THAT SALLY STRUTHERS ADVERTISES. 692 00:32:32,051 --> 00:32:33,819 OR I COULD BUY MY OWN HORSE. 693 00:32:33,885 --> 00:32:35,754 OR THAT. 694 00:32:35,821 --> 00:32:40,659 GUYS, I JUST WANNA PROVIDE A FUTURE FOR MY BABY. 695 00:32:40,726 --> 00:32:42,294 I KNOW MY BANK BRANCH 696 00:32:42,361 --> 00:32:45,331 LIKE THE BACK OF MY PUFFY LITTLE HAND. 697 00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:47,599 I COULD OPEN THAT SAFE IN MY SLEEP. 698 00:32:51,003 --> 00:32:52,004 I'M IN. 699 00:32:52,071 --> 00:32:53,239 YES! WHAT? 700 00:32:53,305 --> 00:32:55,107 I'M IN. THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING 701 00:32:55,174 --> 00:32:57,043 TO A DAMN FAMILY I'VE EVER HAD. 702 00:32:57,109 --> 00:32:58,977 IF ONE NEEDS SOMETHING, WE ALL DO. 703 00:32:59,045 --> 00:33:01,713 STOP IT! THIS IS CRAZY. 704 00:33:01,780 --> 00:33:03,949 I'M IN, TOO. CLEO! 705 00:33:04,016 --> 00:33:05,484 KANSAS IS RIGHT. 706 00:33:05,551 --> 00:33:07,953 WE'RE LIKE SISTERS, CLOSER THAN SISTERS 707 00:33:08,020 --> 00:33:09,988 AND YOU DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON FAMILY. 708 00:33:10,056 --> 00:33:11,457 COME ON, LUCE. 709 00:33:11,523 --> 00:33:14,593 PEOPLE DO IT IN THE MOVIES ALL THE TIME. 710 00:33:14,660 --> 00:33:15,961 AND THEY GET CAUGHT. 711 00:33:16,028 --> 00:33:18,397 THAT'S RIGHT. SO ALL WE HAVE TO DO 712 00:33:18,464 --> 00:33:21,533 IS WATCH A BUNCH OF MOVIES AND LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES. 713 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,603 YOU KNOW, REAL COPS AREN'T HALF AS SMART AS KEANU. 714 00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:26,872 FORGET IT. I'VE GOT A SCHOLARSHIP TO HARVARD 715 00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:28,940 HANGING OVER MY HEAD. I WON'T RISK IT. 716 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,709 CONAN WENT TO HARVARD. SHH. 717 00:33:30,776 --> 00:33:33,979 LUCY, ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE THAT SCHOLARSHIP? 718 00:33:34,046 --> 00:33:35,681 NO. 719 00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:38,350 IF YOU DON'T, CAN YOU AFFORD TO GO TO HARVARD? 720 00:33:38,417 --> 00:33:40,186 I DON'T KNOW, PROBABLY NOT. 721 00:33:40,252 --> 00:33:42,054 SO THEN THIS ISN'T CRAZY, IS IT? 722 00:33:42,121 --> 00:33:44,923 IT'S A SURE BET. 723 00:33:44,990 --> 00:33:46,158 WELL... 724 00:33:46,225 --> 00:33:47,293 COME ON! COME ON! 725 00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:48,660 COME ON! PLEASE? 726 00:33:48,727 --> 00:33:50,996 I GUESS WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. 727 00:33:51,063 --> 00:33:52,331 BUT...BUT! 728 00:33:52,398 --> 00:33:55,033 WE HAVE TO MAKE A SMART PLAN. 729 00:33:55,101 --> 00:33:57,703 OF COURSE. OF COURSE. OK, HANDS IN. 730 00:33:59,071 --> 00:34:01,640 ALRIGHT. WE HAVE TO CROSS OUR HEARTS, 731 00:34:01,707 --> 00:34:02,641 HOPE TO DIE, 732 00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:04,543 STICK A DIRTY NEEDLE IN OUR EYE, 733 00:34:04,610 --> 00:34:08,347 THAT WE WILL NEVER, EVER, TELL JACK. 734 00:34:08,414 --> 00:34:10,649 WE ALL KNOW HE CAN'T TELL A LIE. 735 00:34:10,716 --> 00:34:14,353 THAT'S WHY HE'S GONNA MAKE SUCH A GREAT SENATOR. 736 00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,255 CHEERLEADERS KICK... 737 00:34:17,623 --> 00:34:19,358 [LAUGHTER] 738 00:34:19,425 --> 00:34:21,793 [CONAN O'BRIEN ON TV] 739 00:34:23,129 --> 00:34:24,663 [LAUGHS] 740 00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:26,598 Conan: WE HAVE 2 VERY COOL GUESTS, 741 00:34:26,665 --> 00:34:29,268 I'M GONNA START WITH SOMETHING I READ IN THE PAPER. 742 00:34:29,335 --> 00:34:31,970 IT INVOLVES SEX. YOU HEAR ME? 743 00:34:32,037 --> 00:34:33,905 [CHEERING] 744 00:34:33,972 --> 00:34:35,441 YEAH. YEAH. 745 00:34:35,507 --> 00:34:37,943 YEAH, DON'T WORRY. NOT WITH ME. HA HA HA. 746 00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:39,545 HA HA HA. 747 00:34:39,611 --> 00:34:42,814 * I DON'T WANNA BE A BOY, I WANNA BE A GIRL * 748 00:34:42,881 --> 00:34:45,884 * I WANNA DO THINGS THAT'LL MAKE YOUR HAIR CURL * 749 00:34:45,951 --> 00:34:49,221 * I WANNA BE EVIL, I WANNA BE BAD * 750 00:34:49,288 --> 00:34:52,224 * I WANNA DRIVE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORS MAD * 751 00:34:52,291 --> 00:34:55,394 * I WANT TO GO WILD, WANT TO GO WILD * 752 00:34:55,461 --> 00:34:57,062 * I WANT TO PARTY * 753 00:34:57,129 --> 00:34:58,397 * YEAH * 754 00:34:58,464 --> 00:35:00,399 * 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT GIRL POWER * 755 00:35:00,466 --> 00:35:01,533 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] 756 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,602 THE MOVIE WAS SO AMAZING. 757 00:35:03,669 --> 00:35:05,537 HE SLICES OFF THE GUY'S EAR, 758 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:07,606 AND YOU SEE EVERYTHING. THE BLOODY PINK HOLE-- 759 00:35:07,673 --> 00:35:09,475 CLEO, I ALREADY THREW UP TWICE TODAY. 760 00:35:09,541 --> 00:35:12,110 CAN YOU GET TO ANY RELEVANT PART OF THE MOVIE? 761 00:35:12,178 --> 00:35:14,846 THEY HAD NICKNAMES, LIKE MR. PINK. 762 00:35:14,913 --> 00:35:17,316 I WAS THINKING, DI, YOU COULD BE MRS. PINK. 763 00:35:17,383 --> 00:35:18,950 COULD I BE MRS. PURPLE? 764 00:35:19,017 --> 00:35:20,752 AND I COULD BE MRS. RED 765 00:35:20,819 --> 00:35:22,154 THIS IS SO EXCITING. 766 00:35:22,221 --> 00:35:24,190 Kansas: DI, HOW CAN YOU EAT ALL THAT? 767 00:35:24,256 --> 00:35:26,358 Cleo and Hannah: SHE'S EATING FOR TWO. 768 00:35:26,425 --> 00:35:27,759 JINX. 769 00:35:27,826 --> 00:35:29,027 AHEM. 770 00:35:29,094 --> 00:35:31,863 PAGE ONE IS A PLOT SUMMARY OF HEAT. 771 00:35:31,930 --> 00:35:33,332 2 HAS MY CHARACTER SUMMARIES, 772 00:35:33,399 --> 00:35:35,301 3 IS MY OVERALL CRITIQUE, 773 00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:38,003 AND ON 4 THROUGH 10 YOU'LL FIND MY NEXIS SEARCH 774 00:35:38,069 --> 00:35:40,071 OF ALL PRIOR ANALYSIS OF THIS FILM. 775 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:41,307 IN SUMMATION, 776 00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:43,141 NO PART OF HEAT IS REALLY APPLICABLE 777 00:35:43,209 --> 00:35:44,876 TO A GROCERY STORE BANK BRANCH ROBBERY. 778 00:35:44,943 --> 00:35:47,779 Jack: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE? 779 00:35:47,846 --> 00:35:50,015 MMM. JACK. I CAN EXPLAIN. 780 00:35:50,081 --> 00:35:52,284 DIANE, THERE'S NO EXCUSE... 781 00:35:52,351 --> 00:35:54,620 FOR NOT TAKING YOUR PRENATAL VITAMINS. 782 00:35:55,854 --> 00:35:56,855 I LOVE YOU. 783 00:35:56,922 --> 00:35:58,724 I LOVE YOU. 784 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,995 UH....CLEO? 785 00:36:04,062 --> 00:36:05,397 MM-HMM? 786 00:36:06,265 --> 00:36:07,866 WOULD YOU JUST SAY MY NAME? 787 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:09,868 TED. 788 00:36:09,935 --> 00:36:11,270 [SIGHS] 789 00:36:11,337 --> 00:36:13,772 WELL, IT'S A LAUGH RIOT FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY, 790 00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:16,608 AND TIM CONWAY IS JUST ABOUT AS FUNNY AS THEY COME, 791 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:18,076 ESPECIALLY IN THE SCENE WHERE-- 792 00:36:18,143 --> 00:36:19,911 WAIT A MINUTE. 793 00:36:19,978 --> 00:36:22,614 YOU WATCHED THE APPLE FRIGGIN' DUMPLING GANG? 794 00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:24,916 I'M ONLY ALLOWED "G" MOVIES. 795 00:36:24,983 --> 00:36:27,819 AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT THIS? 796 00:36:27,886 --> 00:36:30,289 I MEAN, AT LEAST I WATCHED DOG DAY AFTERNOON. 797 00:36:30,356 --> 00:36:31,890 Man: EXCUSE ME. 798 00:36:31,957 --> 00:36:34,360 COULD YOU TRY TO KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, PLEASE? 799 00:36:34,426 --> 00:36:36,061 WE'RE NOT INTRODUCING ANGER INTO THE WOMB. 800 00:36:36,127 --> 00:36:40,866 HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO INTRODUCE MY FOOT INTO YOUR ASS?! 801 00:36:40,932 --> 00:36:41,967 KANSAS! 802 00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:43,302 I'M SORRY, DIANE... 803 00:36:43,369 --> 00:36:45,337 BUT I'M NOT GONNA WATCH MY DREAMS FADE AWAY 804 00:36:45,404 --> 00:36:48,740 BECAUSE THE VIRGIN HERE THINKS SHE CAN GET IDEAS FROM KIDDIE MOVIES. 805 00:36:48,807 --> 00:36:50,709 THOSE OF US WHO HAVE PARENTS 806 00:36:50,776 --> 00:36:53,512 KNOW THEY HAVE RULES BECAUSE THEY CARE. 807 00:36:53,579 --> 00:36:54,713 OOH. 808 00:36:56,648 --> 00:36:58,684 ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO THERE? 809 00:36:58,750 --> 00:37:00,319 UM... 810 00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:02,388 MAYBE. 811 00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:05,056 OW! 812 00:37:05,123 --> 00:37:06,258 Diane: YOU GUYS! 813 00:37:06,325 --> 00:37:08,460 [SHOUTING] 814 00:37:09,328 --> 00:37:10,729 HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? 815 00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:11,963 DIANE WESTON? 816 00:37:12,030 --> 00:37:13,131 KANSAS, QUIT IT! 817 00:37:13,198 --> 00:37:14,165 Kansas: OW! 818 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,401 HERE. 819 00:37:16,768 --> 00:37:17,803 [DOOR OPENS] 820 00:37:17,869 --> 00:37:19,771 [CRYING] 821 00:37:19,838 --> 00:37:21,773 GOD, WE'RE SORRY. 822 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,675 IT'S OFF. 823 00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:25,477 I CAN'T TAKE THE FIGHTING, 824 00:37:25,544 --> 00:37:27,479 THE BACKSTABBING, THE OPEN HOSTILITY. 825 00:37:27,546 --> 00:37:29,815 WE'RE NOT ACTING LIKE CHEERLEADERS. 826 00:37:29,881 --> 00:37:33,419 WE'RE ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF SORORITY GIRLS. 827 00:37:35,186 --> 00:37:38,357 I'M SORRY I EVER STARTED THIS. 828 00:37:38,424 --> 00:37:39,625 DI, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. 829 00:37:39,691 --> 00:37:41,360 WE ALL WANTED TO DO THIS. 830 00:37:41,427 --> 00:37:42,694 LOOK... 831 00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:45,364 MAYBE I CAN WATCH A PG MOVIE. 832 00:37:45,431 --> 00:37:47,232 I'LL JUST SAY I'M... 833 00:37:47,299 --> 00:37:50,168 COUNTING DIRTY WORDS FOR SUNDAY SCHOOL. 834 00:37:50,235 --> 00:37:52,471 IT'S OK, HANNAH. 835 00:37:52,538 --> 00:37:54,506 IT WAS SILLY TO THINK WE CAN LEARN 836 00:37:54,573 --> 00:37:56,375 TO ROB A BANK FROM WATCHING MOVIES. 837 00:37:56,442 --> 00:37:58,209 SEX, YOU CAN LEARN FROM MOVIES. 838 00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:00,879 BUT ROBBERIES? FORGET ABOUT IT. 839 00:38:00,946 --> 00:38:04,750 BESIDES, TV LAND HAD A LITTLE HOUSEON THE PRAIRIE MARATHON, 840 00:38:04,816 --> 00:38:07,719 AND THE INGALLS MADE BABY CARRIE'S BED FROM A DRESSER DRAWER. 841 00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:10,789 I GUESS I COULD JUST DO THAT. 842 00:38:10,856 --> 00:38:13,158 OH, MY GOD! 843 00:38:13,224 --> 00:38:15,193 THE BABY'S GOT 2 HEADS. 844 00:38:15,260 --> 00:38:16,227 IT'S TWINS! 845 00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:18,397 [LAUGHS] 846 00:38:18,464 --> 00:38:20,732 I'M NOT JUST SUPER FAT! 847 00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:22,601 OH, OK, WE AIN'T DONE WITH THIS. 848 00:38:22,668 --> 00:38:25,036 THOSE BABIES ARE GONNA HAVE A GOOD START IN LIFE. 849 00:38:25,103 --> 00:38:27,473 WITH A REAL CRIB-- ONE THAT COSTS A TRUCKLOAD. 850 00:38:27,539 --> 00:38:28,840 WE GONNA LEARN TO ROB 851 00:38:28,907 --> 00:38:31,309 BY THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO REALLY KNOW HOW TO-- 852 00:38:31,377 --> 00:38:32,711 CRIMINALS. 853 00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:38,283 I'M GONNA VISIT MY MOM. 854 00:38:38,350 --> 00:38:39,551 [BUZZER RINGING] 855 00:38:39,618 --> 00:38:41,753 Woman on P.A.: ATTENTION ALL INMATES, 856 00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:44,322 VISITING HOURS WILL BE OVER IN 20 MINUTES. 857 00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:52,330 YOU DON'T LOOK NOTHING LIKE YOUR PICTURE. 858 00:38:52,398 --> 00:38:54,933 GRANDMA AND GRANDPA SENT YOU A PICTURE 859 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,668 OF A NEIGHBOR GIRL. 860 00:38:56,735 --> 00:39:00,238 THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BREAK OUT AND COME KIDNAP ME. 861 00:39:00,305 --> 00:39:01,940 THANK GOD. 862 00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:04,810 I WAS STARTING TO THINK I KILLED THE WRONG MAN. 863 00:39:07,078 --> 00:39:08,480 WHAT DID YOU COME HERE FOR? 864 00:39:08,547 --> 00:39:10,582 TO TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME? 865 00:39:10,649 --> 00:39:12,451 I DON'T HATE YOU. 866 00:39:12,518 --> 00:39:14,486 I NEED YOUR HELP. 867 00:39:15,554 --> 00:39:18,424 HOW IN THE HELL CAN I HELP YOU? 868 00:39:18,490 --> 00:39:20,492 MY BEST FRIEND GOT PREGNANT. 869 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,762 BEFORE YOU? 870 00:39:23,829 --> 00:39:24,996 WHOO-HOO. 871 00:39:25,063 --> 00:39:28,800 YEAH, I KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I SAID, TOO. 872 00:39:28,867 --> 00:39:32,103 ANYWAY, WE WANNA HELP HER GET SOME MONEY FOR THE BABY 873 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:33,639 BY ROBBING A BANK. 874 00:39:34,506 --> 00:39:36,341 WELL, SHOOTFIRE, KANSAS. 875 00:39:36,408 --> 00:39:38,610 THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING I EVER HEARD. 876 00:39:38,677 --> 00:39:42,914 BUT WE CAN'T QUITE FIGURE OUT HOW TO... YOU KNOW, HOW TO DO IT. 877 00:39:42,981 --> 00:39:45,250 SO YOU NEED MY HELP? 878 00:39:45,316 --> 00:39:49,154 OH, MY GOD. THIS IS LIKE YOU ASKING ME FOR HELP WITH YOUR HOMEWORK. 879 00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:55,126 HEY, MINK. 880 00:39:55,193 --> 00:39:57,463 COME HERE. 881 00:39:58,964 --> 00:40:02,801 KANSAS, I WANT YOU TO MEET SOMEONE SPECIAL. 882 00:40:05,471 --> 00:40:07,305 CRYIN' OUT LOUD, MOM. 883 00:40:07,372 --> 00:40:10,275 LIKE MY LIFE AIN'T BAD ENOUGH 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN HERE. 884 00:40:10,341 --> 00:40:13,445 NOW I'VE GOTTA ADD "P.S. MY MOM'S A GAY," TOO? 885 00:40:13,512 --> 00:40:16,147 SHUT UP, YOU MOUTHY LITTLE TWIT. 886 00:40:16,214 --> 00:40:18,249 DON'T "MOUTHY TWIT" ME. I'M OUTTA HERE. 887 00:40:18,316 --> 00:40:20,385 HEY, WAIT. SIT DOWN. 888 00:40:20,452 --> 00:40:22,353 NOW, I'M SORRY. 889 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:24,422 MAMA'S A LITTLE OVERAMPED... 890 00:40:24,490 --> 00:40:27,526 DIDN'T GET HER YARD TIME THIS MORNING. 891 00:40:27,593 --> 00:40:30,629 MINK AIN'T MY BITCH, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK. 892 00:40:31,763 --> 00:40:34,533 SHE'S A SPECIALIST... 893 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,502 IN BANKS. 894 00:40:41,139 --> 00:40:42,608 [HUMMING] 895 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,282 THEM'S SOME SWEET SKIRTS YOU GOT THERE. 896 00:40:51,349 --> 00:40:52,884 OH, THANK YOU! 897 00:40:52,951 --> 00:40:54,553 ACTUALLY, THEY'RE UNIFORMS. 898 00:40:54,620 --> 00:40:56,454 WE'RE CHEERLEADERS. 899 00:40:56,522 --> 00:40:58,423 MM-HMM. 900 00:40:58,490 --> 00:41:00,592 YOU SURE ARE. 901 00:41:01,593 --> 00:41:02,861 EXCUSE ME. 902 00:41:04,329 --> 00:41:05,631 ALRIGHT, SAME TIME TOMORROW, 903 00:41:05,697 --> 00:41:08,066 WE HAVE A VISIT WITH OUR FAVORITE AUNTS. 904 00:41:10,702 --> 00:41:13,905 LISTEN, ROBBING BANKS IS LIKE PULLING A TRICK. 905 00:41:13,972 --> 00:41:15,574 YOU GOTTA STAY IN CONTROL, 906 00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:17,809 KNOW HOW FAR YOU'LL GO TO GET THE DOUGH, 907 00:41:17,876 --> 00:41:21,412 AND ALWAYS PUT THE RUBBER ON YOURSELF. 908 00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,281 OH, PFFT! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 909 00:41:23,348 --> 00:41:25,951 AND YOU GOTTA DO IT THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS. 910 00:41:26,017 --> 00:41:27,218 WHY? 911 00:41:27,285 --> 00:41:29,921 BANKS DON'T HAVE HOLIDAY PICKUPS, SO VAULTS ARE FULL. 912 00:41:29,988 --> 00:41:32,323 BESIDES, EVERYONE'S AT HOME EATIN' LEFTOVERS 913 00:41:32,390 --> 00:41:33,659 AND BEATIN' THEIR KIDS. 914 00:41:33,725 --> 00:41:36,427 REALLY? YOU WERE CELLMATES WITH HER? 915 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,730 OH, MY GOD. SHE WAS MY HERO! 916 00:41:38,797 --> 00:41:40,999 DID SHE TELL YOU WHAT LETTERMAN'S HOUSE WAS LIKE? 917 00:41:41,066 --> 00:41:43,602 YOU GOTTA BUY YOUR GATS FROM THE TERMINATOR. 918 00:41:43,669 --> 00:41:45,203 TELL HIM ITCHY SENT YOU. 919 00:41:45,270 --> 00:41:46,371 AND GATS ARE? 920 00:41:46,437 --> 00:41:48,640 GUNS, CUTIE. 921 00:41:48,707 --> 00:41:50,776 YOU LISTEN TO CAROL, PUSSYCAT. 922 00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:52,744 GO RENT NATIONAL VELVET. 923 00:41:52,811 --> 00:41:56,247 IT'S GOT SOME AWESOME STEEPLECHASES IN IT. 924 00:41:56,314 --> 00:41:57,549 I'M GONNA WRITE THAT DOWN. 925 00:41:57,616 --> 00:41:59,651 SO, ALTHOUGH THEIR FATHER SAID, 926 00:41:59,718 --> 00:42:00,886 "DON'T GET OUTTA THE CAR 927 00:42:00,952 --> 00:42:02,387 TILL I GET BACK WITH HELP," 928 00:42:02,453 --> 00:42:04,690 THEY KNEW THE SHERIFF'S VOICE WHEN HE YELLED, 929 00:42:04,756 --> 00:42:08,059 "RUN TO MY VOICE! AND DON'T LOOK BACK!" 930 00:42:08,126 --> 00:42:09,695 THE TWINS DID AS HE SAID, 931 00:42:09,761 --> 00:42:11,362 BUT AT THE VERY LAST SECOND, 932 00:42:11,429 --> 00:42:14,265 THEY TURNED AROUND AND SAW THE ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT 933 00:42:14,332 --> 00:42:18,003 BOUNCING THEIR FATHER'S HEAD ON TOP OF THE CAR. 934 00:42:18,069 --> 00:42:19,170 AAH! 935 00:42:19,237 --> 00:42:20,438 THEY JUMPED! 936 00:42:20,505 --> 00:42:22,440 THAT'S JUST GAS, SWEETIE. 937 00:42:22,507 --> 00:42:24,509 OH... 938 00:42:24,576 --> 00:42:25,811 WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON? 939 00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:30,081 JUST SOME GIRLY STUFF FOR THE SQUAD. 940 00:42:33,084 --> 00:42:34,185 BZZZ! 941 00:42:34,252 --> 00:42:36,121 [SIMULATES EXPLOSION] 942 00:42:38,089 --> 00:42:40,558 [DOGS BARKING] 943 00:42:47,098 --> 00:42:48,700 WELL, WHOEVER GETS OUT ALIVE, 944 00:42:48,767 --> 00:42:51,837 HAVE THE AUTHORITIES CHECK IN THE CRAWL SPACE. 945 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,240 KANSAS, YOU SHOULD NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. 946 00:42:55,306 --> 00:42:57,342 [COUGHING] 947 00:42:59,110 --> 00:43:01,713 Diane: I GUESS THERE'S AN EXCEPTION TO EVERY RULE. 948 00:43:02,648 --> 00:43:04,215 COULD I HELP YOU? 949 00:43:04,282 --> 00:43:06,017 YOU'RE THE TERMINATOR? 950 00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:09,354 DID YOU COME IN HERE TO BUST MY BALLS? 951 00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:10,588 HUH? 952 00:43:10,656 --> 00:43:12,758 WELL, I KILL BUGS FOR A LIVING. 953 00:43:12,824 --> 00:43:14,626 IF GOD DOESN'T BEAT YOU TO IT. 954 00:43:14,693 --> 00:43:16,127 NO, WAIT, UM... 955 00:43:16,194 --> 00:43:18,396 WE'RE THE "A" SQUAD FROM LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL. 956 00:43:18,463 --> 00:43:19,698 SO, UH... 957 00:43:19,765 --> 00:43:22,533 SO, WE WERE TOLD YOU COULD FIX US UP. 958 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,170 FIX YOU UP? 959 00:43:25,236 --> 00:43:26,237 REALLY? 960 00:43:26,304 --> 00:43:28,774 YEAH. ITCHY SENT US. 961 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:30,408 SHE DID, DID SHE? 962 00:43:30,475 --> 00:43:32,043 HOW IS THE OLD GIRL? 963 00:43:32,110 --> 00:43:34,512 DEFINITELY OLD. 964 00:43:34,579 --> 00:43:37,548 HA HA HA! YEAH, THAT'S MY ITCHY. 965 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,217 [LAUGHTER] 966 00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:41,452 HOW MANY? 967 00:43:41,519 --> 00:43:42,954 UH... 968 00:43:43,021 --> 00:43:45,623 UM, WELL, WE'LL EACH PROBABLY WANT ONE, SO... 969 00:43:45,691 --> 00:43:47,625 [COUNTING] WE'LL TAKE 5. 970 00:43:47,693 --> 00:43:49,594 5 SHOULD DO IT. ALL RIGHT. 971 00:43:49,661 --> 00:43:51,930 AND, UH, HOW MUCH AMMO DO YOU WANT? 972 00:43:51,997 --> 00:43:53,298 AMMO? 973 00:43:53,364 --> 00:43:55,266 HOW MANY BULLETS DO YOU NEED? 974 00:43:56,167 --> 00:43:58,169 OH, BULLETS. 975 00:43:58,236 --> 00:43:59,170 NO BULLETS. 976 00:43:59,237 --> 00:44:01,039 THESE ARE JUST TO SCARE PEOPLE. 977 00:44:01,106 --> 00:44:03,474 KINDA LIKE A ROUND-OFF BACK HANDSPRING WHIPBACK DOUBLE FULL. 978 00:44:03,541 --> 00:44:05,243 YOU NEVER REALLY USE IT. 979 00:44:05,310 --> 00:44:08,646 YOU JUST WANT THE OPPOSING SQUAD TO KNOW YOU'VE GOT IT. 980 00:44:08,714 --> 00:44:10,415 OK. 981 00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:11,582 $1,500 CASH. 982 00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:12,818 WHAT? 983 00:44:12,884 --> 00:44:16,287 YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BUG ZAPPER! 984 00:44:16,354 --> 00:44:19,157 OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A LITTLE MORE THAN OUR BUDGET WILL ALLOW. 985 00:44:19,224 --> 00:44:23,762 UM, BASICALLY, WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING AROUND $200. 986 00:44:23,829 --> 00:44:28,166 OH, WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? 987 00:44:28,233 --> 00:44:32,037 FOR 200, I GOT SOME REAL NICE RUBBER BANDS 988 00:44:32,103 --> 00:44:33,905 AND SOME SHARP NAILS IN THE BACK. 989 00:44:33,972 --> 00:44:36,341 I GOT 5 OF THEM. THEY COME IN PASTEL COLORS. 990 00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:40,746 WHY DON'T YOU WAIT RIGHT THERE AND LET ME GO GIFT-WRAP IT FOR YOU. 991 00:44:43,915 --> 00:44:46,517 THEY ARE 1,500, CASH ON THE BARREL. 992 00:44:46,584 --> 00:44:49,654 YOU TAKE IT OR YOU LEAVE IT. 993 00:44:49,721 --> 00:44:53,158 WHAT KINDA DEAL WOULD YA MAKE IF I TOLD WE'RE GONNA TELL POLICE 994 00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:56,862 THAT YOU'RE SELLING ILLEGAL GUNS... TO MINORS? 995 00:44:56,928 --> 00:44:58,329 TO GIRL MINORS! 996 00:44:58,396 --> 00:45:00,932 THEN I'D JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU. 997 00:45:02,233 --> 00:45:04,035 OK, WELL... 998 00:45:04,102 --> 00:45:06,071 IT WAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU. 999 00:45:06,137 --> 00:45:07,873 TAKE CARE. 1000 00:45:07,939 --> 00:45:09,240 LET'S GO, YOU GUYS. 1001 00:45:09,307 --> 00:45:10,475 HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. 1002 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:11,642 OH, PLEASE. 1003 00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:13,378 WE'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ANYONE. 1004 00:45:13,444 --> 00:45:15,146 MAYBE WE CAN MAKE A DEAL. 1005 00:45:15,213 --> 00:45:16,347 LOOK, BUDDY, 1006 00:45:16,414 --> 00:45:19,550 WE'RE NOT GONNA TRADE SEX FOR GUNS. 1007 00:45:19,617 --> 00:45:21,386 UNLESS CLEO... 1008 00:45:21,452 --> 00:45:22,520 KANSAS! 1009 00:45:22,587 --> 00:45:23,955 I GOT A DAUGHTER. 1010 00:45:24,022 --> 00:45:27,525 AND SHE'S ALWAYS DREAMT OF BEING A CHEERLEADER. 1011 00:45:27,592 --> 00:45:28,760 AW. 1012 00:45:28,827 --> 00:45:30,061 TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO. 1013 00:45:30,128 --> 00:45:32,063 IF YOU PUT HER ON YOUR SQUAD, 1014 00:45:32,130 --> 00:45:34,199 AND I MEAN PUT HER ON THE SQUAD-- 1015 00:45:34,265 --> 00:45:35,867 DON'T MAKE HER HAUL YOUR POMPOMS-- 1016 00:45:35,934 --> 00:45:38,269 YOU GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO. 1017 00:45:38,336 --> 00:45:40,371 THEN I'LL GIVE YOU THE GUNS. 1018 00:45:41,472 --> 00:45:42,974 YOU'RE KIDDING. 1019 00:45:45,376 --> 00:45:46,344 [ALL LAUGH] 1020 00:45:46,411 --> 00:45:47,745 HEY, FERN! 1021 00:45:47,813 --> 00:45:49,247 FERN, COME HERE! 1022 00:45:49,314 --> 00:45:50,982 SHE'S OUT SIPHONING OFF THE TANKS. 1023 00:45:51,049 --> 00:45:53,618 IT TAKES A SECOND TO CAP OFF THAT CYANIDE HOSE. 1024 00:45:53,684 --> 00:45:54,652 HONEY? 1025 00:45:54,719 --> 00:45:55,686 [DOOR OPENING] 1026 00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:56,721 THERE SHE IS. 1027 00:45:56,788 --> 00:45:59,190 HERE'S MY BABY. 1028 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:01,526 FERN, MEET YOUR NEW BEST FRIENDS. 1029 00:46:04,629 --> 00:46:06,764 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 1030 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:11,269 DON'T YOU TAKE TOO LONG. 1031 00:46:11,336 --> 00:46:14,005 LET'S DO BREATHING EXERCISES, SHALL WE? 1032 00:46:15,874 --> 00:46:17,976 IS JACK UPSET THAT HE CAN'T BE HERE? 1033 00:46:18,043 --> 00:46:19,610 WE WORKED IT OUT. 1034 00:46:19,677 --> 00:46:22,147 [PRACTICING BREATHING] 1035 00:46:23,348 --> 00:46:24,749 YOU'RE DOING GOOD, SWEETIE. 1036 00:46:24,816 --> 00:46:26,551 LET'S REMEMBER OUR FOCAL POINT. 1037 00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:28,753 [GROANING] 1038 00:46:28,820 --> 00:46:32,190 OK, DON'T STOP NOW. COME ON, WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT, BABY. 1039 00:46:32,257 --> 00:46:34,625 [BREATHING] 1040 00:46:34,692 --> 00:46:36,995 WHAT A SAD WASTE OF MAN. 1041 00:46:37,062 --> 00:46:39,998 OK, EVEN WITH ALL OUR SAVINGS, 1042 00:46:40,065 --> 00:46:41,699 IT'S STILL ONLY 654. 1043 00:46:41,766 --> 00:46:43,334 THAT'S IT? 1044 00:46:43,401 --> 00:46:45,971 HEY, I EVEN TOOK MY PARENTS' FOSTER KID MONEY. 1045 00:46:46,037 --> 00:46:47,805 PHILIPPE'S GOING TO BE GATHERING RICE 1046 00:46:47,873 --> 00:46:49,908 WITHOUT PANTS THIS MONTH. 1047 00:46:49,975 --> 00:46:52,410 OK, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD ON. 1048 00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:54,679 NOW, WHAT DO WE DO BEFORE A BIG GAME? 1049 00:46:54,745 --> 00:46:57,415 USE THE BATHROOM 'CAUSE THE PORT-A-POTTIES ON THE FIELD 1050 00:46:57,482 --> 00:46:58,583 ARE GROSS. 1051 00:46:59,951 --> 00:47:02,153 MY FAULT. WHAT DO WE DO THAT ENABLES US 1052 00:47:02,220 --> 00:47:03,788 TO BE AS GREAT AS WE ARE? 1053 00:47:03,855 --> 00:47:07,258 I PERSONALLY THINK OF HOW CONAN STARTED AS A WRITER, AND THEN-- 1054 00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:08,293 WE PRACTICE. 1055 00:47:08,359 --> 00:47:10,896 THAT'S RIGHT. PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. 1056 00:47:10,962 --> 00:47:12,964 I'M PRACTICING TO HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW. 1057 00:47:13,031 --> 00:47:14,632 IF WE DO A PRACTICE JOB, 1058 00:47:14,699 --> 00:47:16,334 WE'LL NOT ONLY GET THE EXPERIENCE, 1059 00:47:16,401 --> 00:47:18,769 WE'LL ALSO GET MONEY WE NEED FOR THE GUNS. 1060 00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:20,105 I'VE GOT THE PERFECT JOB, 1061 00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:23,508 AND I'VE GOTTA PEE, SO HELP ME UP. 1062 00:47:23,574 --> 00:47:25,210 [ALL GRUNTING] 1063 00:47:25,276 --> 00:47:28,179 HELLO. HOW MANY WOULD YOU LIKE? 1064 00:47:28,246 --> 00:47:29,414 7. 1065 00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:32,550 [HUMMING] 1066 00:47:35,486 --> 00:47:36,454 [SIGHS] 1067 00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,368 HI. 1068 00:47:50,435 --> 00:47:51,702 HELLO. HOW MANY? 1069 00:47:51,769 --> 00:47:53,404 2, PLEASE. 1070 00:47:56,807 --> 00:47:58,109 OOPS! 1071 00:48:01,046 --> 00:48:02,914 [COUGHING] 1072 00:48:02,981 --> 00:48:04,149 OH! 1073 00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:07,585 OH, PLEASE, HELP ME WITH HER! 1074 00:48:10,588 --> 00:48:12,090 [COUGHING] 1075 00:48:32,043 --> 00:48:34,045 WHAT THE KINDA FOOD ARE THEY SERVING US 1076 00:48:34,112 --> 00:48:37,615 IF THEY CAN TURN A PROFIT ON 200 BUCKS? 1077 00:48:40,851 --> 00:48:42,220 * WATCH HER NOW * 1078 00:48:42,287 --> 00:48:43,654 * WATCH HER NOW * 1079 00:48:43,721 --> 00:48:45,090 * WALKING AWAY * 1080 00:48:45,156 --> 00:48:46,591 * WALKING AWAY * 1081 00:48:46,657 --> 00:48:48,793 * NOTHING TO SAY * 1082 00:48:48,859 --> 00:48:51,296 * SHE'S JUST LEAVING * 1083 00:48:53,198 --> 00:48:54,932 * WHAT DID I DO? * 1084 00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:56,167 OH! 1085 00:48:57,802 --> 00:48:59,537 UH, FERN? YEAH? 1086 00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:02,873 NO MORE FILLING THE TANKS BEFORE PRACTICE, OK? 1087 00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,109 OK. 1088 00:49:07,979 --> 00:49:09,147 [DOG BARKING] 1089 00:49:11,382 --> 00:49:13,384 Kansas: OK, LET'S GET GOING. 1090 00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:16,054 MY GRANDPARENTS GET BACK FROM DINNER AT 4:30. 1091 00:49:20,358 --> 00:49:21,126 READY? 1092 00:49:21,192 --> 00:49:22,660 Everybody: OK! 1093 00:49:23,728 --> 00:49:24,996 Kansas: WHAT THE HELL-- 1094 00:49:25,063 --> 00:49:26,897 OH, NO! 1095 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:28,033 HE IKEA'D US. 1096 00:49:28,099 --> 00:49:29,834 HOW MANY SIGNS DO WE NEED? 1097 00:49:29,900 --> 00:49:31,602 WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS. 1098 00:49:31,669 --> 00:49:34,505 LOOK, MAYBE LUCY IS RIGHT. MAYBE THIS IS A SIGN. 1099 00:49:34,572 --> 00:49:36,407 Woman: KANSAS? 1100 00:49:37,708 --> 00:49:39,044 THAT YOU DOWN THERE? 1101 00:49:39,110 --> 00:49:41,046 YEAH, GRANDMA. ME AND THE SQUAD. 1102 00:49:41,112 --> 00:49:43,214 YOU GIRLS TALKING ABOUT BOYS? 1103 00:49:43,281 --> 00:49:45,050 PRACTICING KISSING YOUR HAND? 1104 00:49:45,116 --> 00:49:46,284 [GIRLS GIGGLE] 1105 00:49:47,085 --> 00:49:48,453 YEAH, YOU CAUGHT US. 1106 00:49:48,519 --> 00:49:50,288 OH, WELL, THEN I'LL PUT SOME COOKIES 1107 00:49:50,355 --> 00:49:52,723 AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS FOR YOU GIRLS. 1108 00:49:52,790 --> 00:49:54,192 THANKS, THAT'D BE GREAT. 1109 00:49:55,793 --> 00:49:58,129 [GIRLS EXHALE] 1110 00:49:58,196 --> 00:50:00,031 THIS IS GREAT. WHAT DO WE DO? 1111 00:50:00,098 --> 00:50:02,667 THREATEN PEOPLE WITH A TRUNKFUL OF PARTS? 1112 00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:04,135 I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS. 1113 00:50:04,202 --> 00:50:06,137 WHEN YOU'RE DEALING WITH SOUTH AMERICAN REBELS, 1114 00:50:06,204 --> 00:50:08,173 YOU KINDA GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET. 1115 00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:09,840 IT'S A TRUNKFUL OF CRAP. 1116 00:50:09,907 --> 00:50:12,477 DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I DON'T SEE HERE? 1117 00:50:12,543 --> 00:50:13,644 WHAT? 1118 00:50:13,711 --> 00:50:14,912 I DON'T SEE A PROBLEM. 1119 00:50:14,979 --> 00:50:17,382 I SEE A GREAT, BIG CRAFT PROJECT 1120 00:50:17,448 --> 00:50:19,550 SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. 1121 00:50:19,617 --> 00:50:22,787 SO, KANSAS, GET ME SOME GLUE, 1122 00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:25,156 SOME TAPE, AND A NAIL FILE. 1123 00:50:30,261 --> 00:50:33,264 * SO IT'S YOU * 1124 00:50:33,331 --> 00:50:35,666 * AT MY DOOR * 1125 00:50:37,202 --> 00:50:39,070 * SHE IS HUGE * 1126 00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:44,775 * SHE WORE A TALLER MAN'S HEIGHT OR MORE * 1127 00:50:45,843 --> 00:50:49,480 * IF IT FAILS ME * 1128 00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:51,382 * THEN IT'S LOVE FOR SURE * 1129 00:50:51,449 --> 00:50:54,719 * 'CAUSE I'M HERE * 1130 00:50:54,785 --> 00:50:58,656 * 'CAUSE I WANNA BE, AND I GOTTA BE * 1131 00:50:58,723 --> 00:51:02,293 * AND I'LL STAY * 1132 00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:06,397 * 'CAUSE I WANNA STAY EVERY DAY WITH YOU * 1133 00:51:11,769 --> 00:51:14,305 * SHE'S SO COOL * 1134 00:51:14,372 --> 00:51:20,478 * SHE'S SO COOL * 1135 00:51:20,545 --> 00:51:24,048 Lisa: MEANWHILE, THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF MY LIFE 1136 00:51:24,115 --> 00:51:25,450 WAS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE. 1137 00:51:25,516 --> 00:51:28,486 PLEASE JOIN OUR "A" AND "B" SQUAD CHEERLEADERS 1138 00:51:28,553 --> 00:51:30,788 IN A SALUTE TO WINTER SPORTS! 1139 00:51:39,997 --> 00:51:42,567 Lisa: THE WINTER SPORTS PEP RALLY IS ONLY, LIKE, 1140 00:51:42,633 --> 00:51:46,371 THE BIGGEST CHEERLEADING EVENT OF THE YEAR. 1141 00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:49,307 I'D BEEN PRACTICING FOR MONTHS. 1142 00:51:49,374 --> 00:51:51,842 THIS WAS MY BIG CHANCE TO SHOW THE WHOLE SCHOOL 1143 00:51:51,909 --> 00:51:55,880 THAT I REALLY BELONGED ON THE "A" SQUAD. 1144 00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:57,882 [FELIZ NAVIDAD BEING SUNG] 1145 00:52:09,660 --> 00:52:11,862 Lisa: I JUST WANT TO SAY, THAT NORMALLY, 1146 00:52:11,929 --> 00:52:13,398 I'M AN EXCELLENT SKATER. 1147 00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,134 SOME JEALOUS-- WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS, 1148 00:52:17,202 --> 00:52:19,069 OBVIOUSLY SABOTAGED MY SKATES. 1149 00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,205 [SCREAMING] 1150 00:52:20,271 --> 00:52:21,506 I WAS COMPLETELY HUMILIATED 1151 00:52:21,572 --> 00:52:23,808 IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY. 1152 00:52:25,476 --> 00:52:27,612 TALK ABOUT ADDING INSULT TO INJURY... 1153 00:52:27,678 --> 00:52:30,248 AT THE LAST MINUTE, DIANE FINAGLED PUTTING 1154 00:52:30,315 --> 00:52:33,751 THAT BACKWATER, MUTANT MONKEY GIRL ON TOP OF THE PYRAMID! 1155 00:52:33,818 --> 00:52:35,753 [PEOPLE CHEERING] 1156 00:52:35,820 --> 00:52:37,388 NO WAY! 1157 00:52:37,455 --> 00:52:39,990 IT RUINED THE ENTIRE FINALE. 1158 00:52:40,057 --> 00:52:41,659 ASK ANYBODY! 1159 00:52:51,669 --> 00:52:54,539 CONAN O'BRIEN... 1160 00:52:55,740 --> 00:52:57,675 CONAN O'BRIEN... 1161 00:52:59,344 --> 00:53:01,579 CONAN O'BRIEN. CONAN O'BRIEN... 1162 00:53:01,646 --> 00:53:03,514 COME ON, CLEO. WE'RE NOT GONNA WASTE 1163 00:53:03,581 --> 00:53:06,116 THIS WEEK'S QUESTION TO THE NETHERWORLD ON CONAN. 1164 00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:08,686 WHO MADE UP THE ONE-QUESTION-A-WEEK RULE ANYWAY? 1165 00:53:08,753 --> 00:53:11,155 Kansas: IT'S IN THE BIBLE, SO JUST SHUT UP. 1166 00:53:11,222 --> 00:53:13,858 OK, OK. HERE GOES... 1167 00:53:13,924 --> 00:53:15,926 IS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS 1168 00:53:15,993 --> 00:53:18,195 THE BEST DAY FOR THE HEIST? 1169 00:53:18,263 --> 00:53:20,431 AH...YES! 1170 00:53:20,498 --> 00:53:23,468 GIRLS, NUMEROLOGY CONFIRMS IT, TOO. LOOK! 1171 00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:25,035 SO DOES SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 1172 00:53:25,102 --> 00:53:28,473 "A GREAT DAY TO GO BALLS OUT ON THE OFFENSIVE." 1173 00:53:28,539 --> 00:53:30,641 THEN IT'S TIME FOR MY MOM'S PRESENT. 1174 00:53:32,810 --> 00:53:36,647 "BE CAREFUL. HAVE FUN. SKI MASKS ARE SO DONE. 1175 00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,516 "WEAR THESE MASKS TO FIGHT THE POWER 1176 00:53:38,583 --> 00:53:41,519 AND NEVER BEND OVER IN THE SHOWER." 1177 00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:43,488 HEY, DIANE, YOU CAN BE MOOD-SWING BETTY. 1178 00:53:43,554 --> 00:53:44,689 HANNAH, YOU'RE VIRGIN BETTY 1179 00:53:44,755 --> 00:53:46,357 WITH OPTIONAL HORSE AND SADDLE. 1180 00:53:46,424 --> 00:53:47,458 [LAUGHTER] 1181 00:53:47,525 --> 00:53:49,960 AND, FERN, YOU CAN BE-- 1182 00:53:50,027 --> 00:53:52,062 OH, GOD, WE FORGOT FERN. 1183 00:53:52,129 --> 00:53:53,431 OH, IT'S OK. 1184 00:53:53,498 --> 00:53:55,866 MOM AND THE GIRLS GOT THEM FOR THE HEIST. 1185 00:53:55,933 --> 00:53:57,268 IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL. 1186 00:53:57,335 --> 00:54:00,104 HEY, I GOT TO CHEER WITH YOU GUYS. 1187 00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:03,107 I'M HAPPIER THAN A MAKE-A-WISH KID AT DISNEYLAND. 1188 00:54:03,173 --> 00:54:05,610 WELL, WE'LL ALL SIGN YOUR YEARBOOK. 1189 00:54:08,846 --> 00:54:10,348 HERE, TAKE MINE. 1190 00:54:11,616 --> 00:54:14,084 LOOK, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU GUYS, 1191 00:54:14,151 --> 00:54:16,654 BUT I GOT MY SCHOLARSHIP. 1192 00:54:17,588 --> 00:54:19,290 I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS. 1193 00:54:19,357 --> 00:54:21,392 BUT WE WENT HANDS IN ON THIS. 1194 00:54:21,459 --> 00:54:23,828 YOU'RE BREAKING THE NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION'S 1195 00:54:23,894 --> 00:54:25,796 PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE AND CONFORMITY. 1196 00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:29,800 I'LL TURN IN MY POMPOMS AFTER CHRISTMAS. 1197 00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:32,303 YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE INSANE IF YOU DON'T THINK 1198 00:54:32,370 --> 00:54:35,806 THOSE CRIMINALS WOULD GLADLY TURN YOU IN FOR A PACK OF LUCKY'S. 1199 00:54:35,873 --> 00:54:38,108 OH, YEAH! WELL, UNLIKE YOU, THOSE CRIMINALS 1200 00:54:38,175 --> 00:54:40,345 TAKE AN OATH, AND THEY STICK WITH IT. 1201 00:54:40,411 --> 00:54:41,779 YOU DON'T MESS WITH ANOTHER INMATE, 1202 00:54:41,846 --> 00:54:44,014 AND YOU NEVER MESS WITH HER KID. 1203 00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,717 I'M SORRY, DIANE. 1204 00:54:51,288 --> 00:54:52,457 [SIGHS] 1205 00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,994 I COULD TAKE LUCY'S PLACE. 1206 00:54:58,429 --> 00:55:00,331 YOU CAN BE TERMINATOR BETTY. 1207 00:55:00,398 --> 00:55:02,533 [LAUGHTER] 1208 00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:04,469 FIGHT THE POWER! 1209 00:55:07,505 --> 00:55:10,975 * MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS * 1210 00:55:14,579 --> 00:55:17,748 * MERRY CHRISTMAS * 1211 00:55:17,815 --> 00:55:20,951 * MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS * 1212 00:55:24,288 --> 00:55:26,724 Both: 1, 2, 3! 1213 00:55:29,727 --> 00:55:30,828 OH, GOD! 1214 00:55:35,132 --> 00:55:36,467 OH, HONEY... 1215 00:55:36,534 --> 00:55:38,469 NEXT CHRISTMAS, 1216 00:55:38,536 --> 00:55:40,204 I'M PUTTING A DIAMOND IN IT. 1217 00:55:40,270 --> 00:55:43,273 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 1218 00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:45,109 WELL, SAY YOU LOVE ME. 1219 00:55:46,243 --> 00:55:47,478 I LOVE YOU. 1220 00:55:47,545 --> 00:55:49,046 I LOVE YOU, TOO. 1221 00:55:56,554 --> 00:55:58,188 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1222 00:55:58,255 --> 00:55:59,790 OH, GOD, HERE'S MINE. 1223 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:01,726 IT'S LAME. IT'S NOT ROMANTIC OR ANYTHING. 1224 00:56:01,792 --> 00:56:04,762 NO, NO, NO, SHH. I'M GONNA LOVE IT. 1225 00:56:06,497 --> 00:56:08,332 AH! A GIFT CERTIFICATE... 1226 00:56:08,399 --> 00:56:11,536 FOR A NEW PAINT JOB ON THE GTO. 1227 00:56:11,602 --> 00:56:13,370 YEAH, I WAS THINKING THAT YOU'D WANNA 1228 00:56:13,438 --> 00:56:15,606 CHANGE THE COLOR AFTER CHRISTMAS. 1229 00:56:16,941 --> 00:56:17,908 WOW. 1230 00:56:17,975 --> 00:56:18,843 YOU LIKE IT? 1231 00:56:18,909 --> 00:56:23,781 I SOLD THE CAR TO BUY YOU THAT RING. 1232 00:56:25,650 --> 00:56:26,817 YOU'RE KIDDING? 1233 00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:29,019 NO! HEH HEH. 1234 00:56:29,086 --> 00:56:30,555 WE DON'T HAVE A CAR. 1235 00:56:30,621 --> 00:56:32,056 [BOTH LAUGH] 1236 00:56:32,122 --> 00:56:33,791 NO. 1237 00:56:33,858 --> 00:56:36,326 OH! OH, SWEETIE. 1238 00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,795 SWEETIE... 1239 00:56:38,563 --> 00:56:40,631 [THUNDER CLAP] 1240 00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,503 KANSAS, LISTEN TO ME. 1241 00:56:45,570 --> 00:56:47,538 JACK SOLD OUR GETAWAY CAR. 1242 00:56:47,605 --> 00:56:49,774 IT'S A GOSH DAMN GIFT OF THE MAGI THING. 1243 00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:52,142 OOPS, MOMMY'S SORRY, SWEET PEAS. 1244 00:56:52,209 --> 00:56:54,278 SWEARING IS THE SUREST WAY TO-- 1245 00:56:54,344 --> 00:56:56,647 [SIGHS] OH, SHOOT! 1246 00:56:56,714 --> 00:56:58,849 MOMMY NEEDS A GETAWAY CAR. 1247 00:57:00,618 --> 00:57:01,952 [HORN HONKING] 1248 00:57:10,828 --> 00:57:11,796 JUMP IN! 1249 00:57:11,862 --> 00:57:12,630 WE CAN'T STOP! 1250 00:57:12,697 --> 00:57:14,532 Both: THE BRAKES ARE BAD! 1251 00:57:15,633 --> 00:57:16,701 COME ON, KANSAS, HURRY! 1252 00:57:16,767 --> 00:57:18,536 FERN, YOU'VE GOT TO SLOW DOWN. 1253 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,771 LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET US RUN OVER KANSAS. 1254 00:57:20,838 --> 00:57:21,839 HELP! 1255 00:57:21,906 --> 00:57:23,440 GET IN! QUICK! 1256 00:57:23,508 --> 00:57:25,776 THE BRAKES ARE BROKEN. 1257 00:57:27,478 --> 00:57:28,846 KANSAS! 1258 00:57:29,580 --> 00:57:30,948 OH, MY GOD! 1259 00:57:39,724 --> 00:57:42,860 [GIRLS SCREAMING] 1260 00:57:49,266 --> 00:57:52,837 Hannah: UH, ANYONE BRING AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTIES? 1261 00:58:19,530 --> 00:58:23,768 * SPITTING IN A WISHING WELL * 1262 00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:25,936 * BLOWN TO HELL, CRASH * 1263 00:58:26,003 --> 00:58:27,872 * ON THE LAST SPLASH... * 1264 00:58:37,582 --> 00:58:38,816 WHO ARE YOU? 1265 00:58:38,883 --> 00:58:40,551 THE FRIGGIN' BIONIC WOMAN? 1266 00:58:40,618 --> 00:58:42,386 I JUST PULLED IT, AND IT CAME OFF. 1267 00:58:42,452 --> 00:58:45,690 THIS IS GREAT. NOW WE HAVE TO ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. 1268 00:58:45,756 --> 00:58:47,692 LOOK, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. 1269 00:58:47,758 --> 00:58:49,794 HEY! GOD, RULE NUMBER 1-- 1270 00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:52,129 YOU NEVER TAKE OFF THE MASK, YOU HEAR ME? 1271 00:58:52,196 --> 00:58:54,899 NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, YOU NEVER TAKE OFF THE MASK. 1272 00:58:54,965 --> 00:58:57,234 [WEEPING] I'M SORRY, KANSAS. 1273 00:58:57,301 --> 00:58:59,303 OH! GOD, NO. 1274 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:01,505 RULE NUMBER 2-- NO NAMES. 1275 00:59:01,572 --> 00:59:03,073 NO NAMES, YOU RETARD! 1276 00:59:03,140 --> 00:59:05,643 FOR PETE'S SAKE, WHITE TRASH BETTY. 1277 00:59:05,710 --> 00:59:07,678 I DIDN'T REALIZE THE RULES WENT INTO EFFECT 1278 00:59:07,745 --> 00:59:09,847 BEFORE WE ENTERED THE SUPERMARKET. 1279 00:59:09,914 --> 00:59:11,582 WELL, USE YOUR HEAD, STALKER BETTY. 1280 00:59:11,649 --> 00:59:12,683 NYAH! 1281 00:59:12,750 --> 00:59:14,919 BETTYS, STOP IT. 1282 00:59:14,985 --> 00:59:17,354 "THE BEST SQUAD IS ONE THAT HOPES FOR THE BEST 1283 00:59:17,421 --> 00:59:19,657 AND PREPARES FOR THE WORST." NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL 1284 00:59:19,724 --> 00:59:22,559 CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION LETTERHEAD. 1285 00:59:22,627 --> 00:59:24,829 NOW, LET'S GIVE A HANDS IN. 1286 00:59:27,632 --> 00:59:29,667 WE'RE READY, WE'RE PREPARED, 1287 00:59:29,734 --> 00:59:32,102 THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST BANK ROBBERY EVER, 1288 00:59:32,169 --> 00:59:32,937 BECAUSE... 1289 00:59:33,003 --> 00:59:36,641 All: CHEERLEADERS KICK... 1290 00:59:40,711 --> 00:59:42,179 [ALL SCREAM] 1291 00:59:42,246 --> 00:59:43,480 SHH! IT'S ME. 1292 00:59:43,547 --> 00:59:44,849 Diane: LUCY? 1293 00:59:44,915 --> 00:59:46,150 Kansas: WHAT DO YOU WANT? 1294 00:59:46,216 --> 00:59:48,986 I WANT TO HELP. I'M A PART OF THIS SQUAD. 1295 00:59:49,053 --> 00:59:50,187 OH, NO. 1296 00:59:50,254 --> 00:59:52,857 YOU HAVE COMMITTED THE ULTIMATE SIN. 1297 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:56,260 YOU LEFT YOUR SQUAD TO BE WITH A GUY. 1298 00:59:56,326 --> 00:59:58,528 AND THAT GUY IS THE DEVIL HIMSELF, 1299 00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:03,300 BECAUSE ONLY THE DEVIL WOULD TURN YOU AGAINST YOUR SISTERS. 1300 01:00:03,367 --> 01:00:05,035 [ALL LAUGH] 1301 01:00:05,102 --> 01:00:06,804 LET'S GO. 1302 01:00:37,101 --> 01:00:38,068 WHAT'S THIS? 1303 01:00:52,883 --> 01:00:54,819 [CUSTOMERS SHRIEK] 1304 01:00:54,885 --> 01:00:57,654 GET ON THE GROUND NOW! 1305 01:01:00,691 --> 01:01:02,092 WE GOT TAPE. DON'T WORRY. 1306 01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:03,694 I SAID DOWN! 1307 01:01:11,401 --> 01:01:12,937 Woman: OK, UH. HELLO? 1308 01:01:13,003 --> 01:01:15,439 YEAH. EXCUSE ME. YEAH, HI. 1309 01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:18,809 UMM, ARE YOU ROBBING THE SUPERMARKET OR THE BANK BRANCH? 1310 01:01:18,876 --> 01:01:20,010 THE BANK. 1311 01:01:20,077 --> 01:01:22,612 OK, SO...DO YOU WANT EVERYBODY DOWN 1312 01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:25,415 OR JUST THE PEOPLE AT THE BANK? 1313 01:01:25,482 --> 01:01:27,752 ALL OF YOU. BANK BRANCH. 1314 01:01:30,620 --> 01:01:32,256 ALL OF YOU. BANK BRANCH. 1315 01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:36,526 WILL YOU SHUT UP? I'LL HANDLE THIS. 1316 01:01:36,593 --> 01:01:38,095 BANK BRANCH ONLY! 1317 01:01:38,162 --> 01:01:40,998 EVERYBODY ELSE, JUST GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS. 1318 01:01:46,603 --> 01:01:48,205 SHIT, THIS AIN'T WORKING. 1319 01:01:48,272 --> 01:01:49,974 EVERYBODY DOWN! 1320 01:02:21,238 --> 01:02:23,774 THAT'S AN ILLEGAL DISMOUNT. 1321 01:02:34,018 --> 01:02:35,853 Thinking: OH, MY GOD. 1322 01:02:35,920 --> 01:02:38,122 AN "A" SQUAD POMPOM STRING. 1323 01:02:38,188 --> 01:02:39,089 OW! 1324 01:02:39,156 --> 01:02:40,724 KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GROUND. 1325 01:02:40,791 --> 01:02:41,758 THIS IS GREAT. 1326 01:02:41,826 --> 01:02:43,093 HOW ARE WE DOING? 1327 01:02:45,229 --> 01:02:47,031 QUICK. BIG BILLS, BIG BILLS. 1328 01:02:47,097 --> 01:02:50,767 Man: THIS HERE IS BULL DUNG! THAT'S WHAT THIS IS. 1329 01:02:51,635 --> 01:02:53,237 I'LL FIND YOU. GO ON. 1330 01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:58,008 I AIN'T GONNA LET SOME PIECE OF DIRT BETTY DOLL 1331 01:02:58,075 --> 01:03:00,244 TELL ME WHAT TO DO. 1332 01:03:00,310 --> 01:03:02,579 NO, SIRREE BOB. 1333 01:03:02,646 --> 01:03:04,281 [GASPS] 1334 01:03:04,348 --> 01:03:06,283 FREEZE, SCUMBAG! 1335 01:03:06,350 --> 01:03:09,119 DON'T YOU NEVER USE THE LORD'S SON'S NAME IN VAIN 1336 01:03:09,186 --> 01:03:11,388 AROUND THESE PARTS IN THE U.S.A. 1337 01:03:11,455 --> 01:03:12,957 [YELLS] 1338 01:03:15,525 --> 01:03:17,394 WHAT THE HECK? 1339 01:03:22,566 --> 01:03:24,034 UH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. 1340 01:03:24,101 --> 01:03:25,502 SOMETIMES WHEN THE REBELS 1341 01:03:25,569 --> 01:03:26,971 TAKE THE GUN OFF A CORPSE, 1342 01:03:27,037 --> 01:03:30,274 SOME LIVE ROUNDS GET LEFT IN THE CLIP. 1343 01:03:30,340 --> 01:03:32,042 GOOD TO KNOW. 1344 01:03:33,577 --> 01:03:35,212 [SIGHS] 1345 01:03:37,581 --> 01:03:39,516 CHEESE ON A CRACKER. 1346 01:03:41,051 --> 01:03:43,287 ALRIGHT, YOU GUYS, LET'S GO. 1347 01:03:51,862 --> 01:03:53,197 [GRUNTS] 1348 01:03:55,799 --> 01:03:57,467 [VOMITING] 1349 01:04:05,642 --> 01:04:07,811 [SIREN WAILING] 1350 01:04:07,878 --> 01:04:09,679 I'M HERE LIVE AT THE SCENE OF TODAY'S 1351 01:04:09,746 --> 01:04:12,349 HIGHLY UNUSUAL BANK ROBBERY, SPEAKING WITH AN EYEWITNESS. 1352 01:04:12,416 --> 01:04:14,384 CAN YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY? 1353 01:04:14,451 --> 01:04:16,053 YOU'RE TALKING TO THE RIGHT PERSON, 1354 01:04:16,120 --> 01:04:17,321 I AM WALKING EVIDENCE. 1355 01:04:17,387 --> 01:04:19,689 ONE OF THEM STEPPED RIGHT ON MY [BEEP]. 1356 01:04:19,756 --> 01:04:21,926 EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU GET A SHOT OF ME? 1357 01:04:21,992 --> 01:04:23,460 THIS IS IMPORTANT, BUDDY. 1358 01:04:23,527 --> 01:04:26,030 CAN YOU DUST MY [BEEP] FOR PRINTS? IT'S IMPORTANT. 1359 01:04:26,096 --> 01:04:29,133 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STANDING THERE, YOU IDIOT! 1360 01:04:29,199 --> 01:04:30,434 WAIT, HOLD ON, I FORGOT. 1361 01:04:30,500 --> 01:04:34,238 I HAVE THIS. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT... 1362 01:04:34,304 --> 01:04:36,140 THAT'S NICE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. 1363 01:04:36,206 --> 01:04:38,208 AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS CRIME HERE TODAY 1364 01:04:38,275 --> 01:04:40,877 IS AFFECTING PEOPLE VERY SERIOUSLY. 1365 01:04:40,945 --> 01:04:42,312 IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD, TODAY, 1366 01:04:42,379 --> 01:04:45,415 5 PREGNANT BETTY DOLLS ROBBED THE BANK. 1367 01:04:46,917 --> 01:04:49,653 CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? 1368 01:04:49,719 --> 01:04:51,555 WE'RE LIKE CELEBRITIES. 1369 01:04:51,621 --> 01:04:53,157 BETTER ENJOY IT NOW. 1370 01:04:53,223 --> 01:04:55,525 BECAUSE TOMORROW SOME LITTLE KID FALLS DOWN A WELL, 1371 01:04:55,592 --> 01:04:58,162 AND WE'RE NOTHING BUT A DISTANT MEMORY. 1372 01:05:01,265 --> 01:05:03,333 DISGUISES INCINERATED. 1373 01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:05,535 [ALL CHEER] 1374 01:05:05,602 --> 01:05:07,404 OH, BAD NEWS, DI. 1375 01:05:07,471 --> 01:05:10,607 THERE WAS ONE THING WE JUST COULDN'T FIT 1376 01:05:10,674 --> 01:05:11,942 IN THE FURNACE. 1377 01:05:15,812 --> 01:05:17,747 OH, MY GOD. 1378 01:05:17,814 --> 01:05:19,716 OH, YOU GUYS! 1379 01:05:19,783 --> 01:05:22,319 THANK YOU. OH! 1380 01:05:23,820 --> 01:05:25,956 CAN YOU BELIEVE WE DID IT? 1381 01:05:26,023 --> 01:05:29,659 I MEAN... WE DID IT. 1382 01:05:29,726 --> 01:05:31,628 WE REALLY DID IT. 1383 01:05:31,695 --> 01:05:33,630 [SCREAMING] 1384 01:05:38,302 --> 01:05:40,304 Lisa: I GUESS NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED 1385 01:05:40,370 --> 01:05:42,572 THE STORM THAT WAS ABOUT TO HIT. 1386 01:05:42,639 --> 01:05:45,109 THE ONLY THING PEOPLE CARED ABOUT, THOUGHT ABOUT, 1387 01:05:45,175 --> 01:05:47,111 OR TALKED ABOUT WAS THE ROBBERY. 1388 01:05:47,177 --> 01:05:50,280 JUDGING BY THE WAY THE ROBBERS PRACTICALLY FLEW UP 1389 01:05:50,347 --> 01:05:52,449 TO SPRAY PAINT THE SECURITY CAMERAS, 1390 01:05:52,516 --> 01:05:55,652 I THINK IT WAS AN ASIAN GANG. 1391 01:05:55,719 --> 01:05:57,454 YEAH. BECAUSE AS A PEOPLE, 1392 01:05:57,521 --> 01:06:01,558 THEY TEND TO BE QUITE TINY AND VERY ACROBATIC. 1393 01:06:04,394 --> 01:06:05,962 Lisa: THAT'S ALL IT TOOK. 1394 01:06:06,030 --> 01:06:08,332 NEXT THING YOU KNOW, DIM SUM CHARLIE'S 1395 01:06:08,398 --> 01:06:10,934 BEING HAULED IN FOR QUESTIONING. 1396 01:06:11,001 --> 01:06:15,539 FROM THERE, THE TOWN JUST TURNED INTO A FREAK SHOW. 1397 01:06:15,605 --> 01:06:16,573 AAH! 1398 01:06:17,774 --> 01:06:18,942 GET HER! 1399 01:06:19,009 --> 01:06:20,644 THAT'S HER! THAT'S HER! 1400 01:06:20,710 --> 01:06:22,346 I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT FACE! 1401 01:06:22,412 --> 01:06:24,814 Lisa: THIS THING SPREAD FASTER THAN A CANKER SORE 1402 01:06:24,881 --> 01:06:26,250 ON THE GIRLS SWIM TEAM. 1403 01:06:26,316 --> 01:06:27,917 SOMEONE IN LINCOLN WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE... 1404 01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:30,754 THEY WERE DRESSED LIKE A BUNCH OF FREAKIN' BETTY DOLLS, 1405 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:32,156 FOR [BEEP] SAKE. 1406 01:06:32,222 --> 01:06:34,558 THEY HAD THESE [BEEP] LITTLE VOICES, 1407 01:06:34,624 --> 01:06:37,161 AND ONLY A BUNCH OF [BEEP] DAMN [BEEP] 1408 01:06:37,227 --> 01:06:39,329 WOULD SHOOT UP A UNION CAP. 1409 01:06:39,396 --> 01:06:42,099 Lisa: ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT'S ON JERRY SPRINGER. 1410 01:06:42,166 --> 01:06:44,168 THIS THING WAS DEFINITELY HUGE. 1411 01:06:44,234 --> 01:06:47,937 WELCOME TO THE SHOW. TODAY, WE'RE GONNA MEET A NUMBER OF TRANSVESTITES 1412 01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:49,773 WHO DON'T JUST DRESS UP AS WOMEN. 1413 01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:52,842 THEY LIKE TO DRESS UP AS PREGNANT WOMEN. 1414 01:06:52,909 --> 01:06:54,711 [CROWD BOOING] 1415 01:06:56,146 --> 01:06:57,847 Announcer: ERIC KARROS... 1416 01:06:57,914 --> 01:07:00,617 Lisa: THE COUNTRY HAD COME DOWN WITH BETTY DOLL FEVER. 1417 01:07:00,684 --> 01:07:02,886 Announcer: LEFT DRIVE OVER THE LEFT FIELD WALL, 1418 01:07:02,952 --> 01:07:04,754 INTO A WAITING PACK OF BETTYS. 1419 01:07:07,157 --> 01:07:08,558 Lisa: AND THEN IT FINALLY HAPPENED-- 1420 01:07:08,625 --> 01:07:10,427 THE MOMENT I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR. 1421 01:07:10,494 --> 01:07:11,995 THE LITTLE PIPSQUEAKS IN BLUE 1422 01:07:12,062 --> 01:07:14,698 FINALLY FOLLOWED UP ON MY EVIDENCE. 1423 01:07:16,866 --> 01:07:18,235 HEH. 1424 01:07:20,570 --> 01:07:22,539 I'M KURT LODER WITH AN MTV NEWS BRIEF. 1425 01:07:22,606 --> 01:07:24,574 AUTHORITIES NOW BELIEVE A GROUP OF TEENAGE GIRLS 1426 01:07:24,641 --> 01:07:26,743 ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BETTY DOLL BANK ROBBERY. 1427 01:07:26,810 --> 01:07:28,812 STAY TUNED FOR MY INTERVIEW WITH ALANIS MORISSETTE 1428 01:07:28,878 --> 01:07:32,416 ON THE NEGATIVE INFLUENCE OF THE BETTY DOLL ON YOUNG GIRLS. 1429 01:07:37,521 --> 01:07:38,355 HELLO? 1430 01:07:38,422 --> 01:07:40,490 IT WAS LUCY. LUCY WENT TO THE COPS. 1431 01:07:40,557 --> 01:07:42,626 REMEMBER, KANSAS. EVERY TIME YOU POINT A FINGER, 1432 01:07:42,692 --> 01:07:44,694 YOU HAVE 3 MORE POINTING BACK AT YOU. 1433 01:07:44,761 --> 01:07:48,098 SHE'S BEEN THE WEAK TIT ON THIS MAMA CAT SINCE THE BEGINNING. 1434 01:07:48,165 --> 01:07:49,333 [CALL WAITING BEEPS] THAT YOU? 1435 01:07:49,399 --> 01:07:50,867 HOLD ON. CALL ME LATER. 1436 01:07:50,934 --> 01:07:52,702 I GOTTA GET SOME SMOKES FOR GRANDMA. 1437 01:07:52,769 --> 01:07:54,070 DON'T USE BIG BILLS. 1438 01:07:54,138 --> 01:07:56,706 FOR A PACK OF CIGS? I'LL USE HER FOOD STAMPS. 1439 01:07:57,741 --> 01:07:59,109 HELLO? WE'RE DEAD. 1440 01:07:59,176 --> 01:08:00,377 THEY SHOWED THIS PRISON MOVIE 1441 01:08:00,444 --> 01:08:02,312 TO MY YOUTH GROUP ON SUNDAY. 1442 01:08:02,379 --> 01:08:04,381 HANNAH-- IT WASN'T LIKE THE PRISON WE SAW. 1443 01:08:04,448 --> 01:08:06,116 THE WOMEN HAD TO SHAVE THEIR HEADS 1444 01:08:06,183 --> 01:08:09,253 BECAUSE THEY GOT LICE FROM THE FILTHY LIVES THEY LIVED. 1445 01:08:09,319 --> 01:08:12,522 OH, NO. I'M GONNA BE SOMEONE'S BALD BITCH! 1446 01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,791 [CALL WAITING BEEPS] OOPS. HOLD ON A SECOND. 1447 01:08:14,858 --> 01:08:16,726 HELLO? DI? IT'S LUCE. 1448 01:08:16,793 --> 01:08:19,696 KANSAS JUST CALLED AND SAID SHE'S GONNA FREAK ME UP. 1449 01:08:19,763 --> 01:08:22,532 I HEARD COUGHING AND A THUD, AND KANSAS HAD TO GO. 1450 01:08:22,599 --> 01:08:24,934 I THINK HER GRANDMA HAD ANOTHER HEART ATTACK. 1451 01:08:25,001 --> 01:08:26,636 WHY DOES SHE WANNA FREAK ME UP? 1452 01:08:26,703 --> 01:08:28,705 SHE THINKS YOU WENT TO THE POLICE. 1453 01:08:28,772 --> 01:08:30,039 WHAT? THAT'S INSANE. 1454 01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:31,741 WHY WOULD I GO TO THE POLICE? 1455 01:08:31,808 --> 01:08:33,577 [CALL WAITING BEEPS] RELAX. GOTTA GET THAT. 1456 01:08:33,643 --> 01:08:36,246 I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. HELLO? 1457 01:08:36,313 --> 01:08:38,282 MY SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER SAYS IN PRISON, 1458 01:08:38,348 --> 01:08:40,150 WOMEN SHOVE BROOMSTICKS UP YOUR-- 1459 01:08:40,217 --> 01:08:42,452 [CALL WAITING BEEPS] HOLD ON. 1460 01:08:42,519 --> 01:08:43,253 YEAH? 1461 01:08:43,320 --> 01:08:44,754 [SPEAKING CHINESE] 1462 01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:53,730 HELLO? 1463 01:08:55,098 --> 01:08:56,300 NO. THIS IS DIANE. 1464 01:08:56,366 --> 01:08:58,067 I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER. 1465 01:08:58,134 --> 01:09:01,238 [CALL WAITING BEEPS] OOPS. THAT'S ME. GOTTA GO. 1466 01:09:01,305 --> 01:09:04,040 WRONG NUMBER? NO! 1467 01:09:04,107 --> 01:09:05,775 HELLO? DI? 1468 01:09:05,842 --> 01:09:09,112 I CALLED TO SAY CONAN TALKED ABOUT US AGAIN LAST NIGHT. 1469 01:09:09,179 --> 01:09:10,647 THANKS, CLEO. SEE YOU TOMORROW. 1470 01:09:13,950 --> 01:09:15,652 MORNING, SUNSHINE. 1471 01:09:15,719 --> 01:09:18,855 REMEMBER, EXCEPT FOR THE MORNING SICKNESS, 1472 01:09:18,922 --> 01:09:20,424 THE BLINDING BACK PAIN, 1473 01:09:20,490 --> 01:09:22,292 AND THE EMBARRASSINGLY UNPREDICTABLE GAS, 1474 01:09:22,359 --> 01:09:26,196 THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, SO FAR. 1475 01:09:27,997 --> 01:09:30,734 HEY, HEY, HEY. NOT SO FAST. 1476 01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:33,002 FOLLOWING YOUR DREAM ISN'T A CRIME. 1477 01:09:33,069 --> 01:09:34,904 NOBODY SUSPECTS YOU. 1478 01:09:34,971 --> 01:09:36,940 NOBODY EVEN HAS A CLUE. 1479 01:09:37,006 --> 01:09:38,775 HMM. 1480 01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:41,945 * HEY, PISTOLERO * 1481 01:10:14,244 --> 01:10:16,346 HEY, GUYS. 1482 01:10:16,413 --> 01:10:18,715 SOMEONE NOT TAKE A SHOWER TODAY? 1483 01:10:18,782 --> 01:10:19,949 Kansas: HEY, LISA, 1484 01:10:20,016 --> 01:10:22,452 DID YOU RUN INTO CARMEN ELECTRA LAST SUMMER? 1485 01:10:22,519 --> 01:10:23,853 NO. 1486 01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:28,124 BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SOME OF HER TITS ON YOU. 1487 01:10:28,191 --> 01:10:31,728 THIS JUST CAME FROM THE NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION. 1488 01:10:31,795 --> 01:10:34,163 YOU MIGHT WANNA LOOK IT OVER BEFORE YOU TRY MORE 1489 01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:36,165 CRADLE DISMOUNTS FROM DOUBLE-BASED PARTNER STUNTS 1490 01:10:36,232 --> 01:10:40,870 THAT ARE OVER SHOULDER STAND LEVEL, WITHOUT USING 3 CATCHERS. 1491 01:10:40,937 --> 01:10:45,709 OH...OR BEFORE YOU THINK ABOUT ROBBING ANOTHER BANK. 1492 01:10:46,876 --> 01:10:49,045 WHAT DID SHE SAY? HOW DOES SHE KNOW? 1493 01:10:49,112 --> 01:10:50,947 MOVE IT, PEOPLE. 1494 01:10:51,014 --> 01:10:54,284 FBI. FBI. FREEZE! 1495 01:10:58,655 --> 01:11:00,490 I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, MA'AM, 1496 01:11:00,557 --> 01:11:03,059 BUT IS THIS GONNA TAKE LONG? IT'S GAME NIGHT. 1497 01:11:03,126 --> 01:11:04,694 Man: FACE FRONT. 1498 01:11:06,496 --> 01:11:08,264 ARE YOU SURE THEY CAN'T SEE US? 1499 01:11:08,332 --> 01:11:09,933 ONE-WAY MIRROR, MA'AM. 1500 01:11:09,999 --> 01:11:13,269 Man: PICTURE IN 3, 2, 1. 1501 01:11:13,337 --> 01:11:14,704 [GASPING] 1502 01:11:17,874 --> 01:11:20,677 EXCUSE ME, ON LAW & ORDER, THEY GET TO MAKE ONE CALL. 1503 01:11:20,744 --> 01:11:23,513 I NEED TO CALL THE FATHER OF MY BABIES. 1504 01:11:29,786 --> 01:11:31,488 IT'S A FUNGUS. LEAVE IT ALONE. 1505 01:11:31,555 --> 01:11:32,489 [PHONE RINGING] 1506 01:11:32,556 --> 01:11:34,391 NOTHING I CAN DO. HELLO? 1507 01:11:34,458 --> 01:11:37,827 LISA, IT'S DIANE. WE NEED TO TALK. 1508 01:11:39,696 --> 01:11:42,098 Lisa: AND THAT'S WHY I CAME FORWARD. 1509 01:11:42,165 --> 01:11:43,900 EVEN THE KIDS ON THE SHORT BUS 1510 01:11:43,967 --> 01:11:47,937 CAN SEE THAT ALL THE EVIDENCE POINTS TO DIANE AND THE "A" SQUAD. 1511 01:11:48,004 --> 01:11:49,706 OH, IT SURE DOES. 1512 01:11:49,773 --> 01:11:52,075 YOUR TESTIMONY WILL PROVE INVALUABLE-- 1513 01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:54,778 UNFORTUNATELY, IT WASN'T THEM. 1514 01:11:54,844 --> 01:11:57,681 HEH. THEY WERE ALL WAITING IN MY SUBURBAN THAT DAY 1515 01:11:57,747 --> 01:12:02,085 WHILE I RAN INTO THE SUPERMARKET FOR SOME CASH. 1516 01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:05,389 WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO PRACTICE. 1517 01:12:05,455 --> 01:12:08,625 WELL, BETTER GET GOING. 1518 01:12:08,692 --> 01:12:12,362 NOBODY EVER GOT AHEAD BY SITTING ON THEIR BEHIND. 1519 01:12:19,035 --> 01:12:20,269 [CAR HONKING] 1520 01:12:20,336 --> 01:12:22,439 HEY! OVER HERE! 1521 01:12:22,506 --> 01:12:24,040 IS THAT LISA? 1522 01:12:24,107 --> 01:12:26,576 WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? 1523 01:12:27,511 --> 01:12:29,746 COME ON. 1524 01:12:33,049 --> 01:12:35,284 THEY LET YOU GUYS KEEP YOUR MUG SHOTS? 1525 01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:38,955 I DON'T GET IT. WHY DID YOU TELL THE COPS WE WERE WITH YOU? 1526 01:12:39,022 --> 01:12:42,058 LOOK, GUYS, A FAILURE TO PLAN IS A PLAN FOR FAILURE. 1527 01:12:42,125 --> 01:12:43,793 WE NEEDED AN ALIBI. 1528 01:12:43,860 --> 01:12:46,496 I'M NOT GONNA BE DOING BACK HANDSPRINGS ANYTIME SOON. 1529 01:12:46,563 --> 01:12:48,798 WHAT'S IN IT FOR HER? 1530 01:12:48,865 --> 01:12:51,501 WELL, THE "A" SQUAD IS GOING TO NEED 1531 01:12:51,568 --> 01:12:53,202 A NEW CAPTAIN SOON. 1532 01:12:53,269 --> 01:12:54,571 YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! 1533 01:12:54,638 --> 01:12:58,374 LISA REALLY DOES KNOW ALL THE RULES. 1534 01:13:01,645 --> 01:13:03,647 LOOK! IF IT WASN'T FOR MY ALIBI, 1535 01:13:03,713 --> 01:13:06,816 YOU'D ALL BE DOING COLLEGE BY CORRESPONDENCE. 1536 01:13:08,184 --> 01:13:10,119 [SCREAMING] 1537 01:13:10,186 --> 01:13:12,121 GET AWAY FROM ME! 1538 01:13:13,156 --> 01:13:14,524 [FARTING] 1539 01:13:14,591 --> 01:13:17,160 EWWW. GROSS. DIANE! 1540 01:13:18,495 --> 01:13:20,096 Diane: SORRY, IT JUST SLIPPED OUT. 1541 01:13:20,163 --> 01:13:21,498 OK! 1542 01:13:21,565 --> 01:13:23,733 Lisa: FUNNY HOW THINGS WORK OUT IN THE END. 1543 01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:25,535 DIANE TURNED IN HER POMPOMS, 1544 01:13:25,602 --> 01:13:28,004 AND I'M THE NEW "A" SQUAD CAPTAIN. 1545 01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:30,607 AFTER ALL, NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION 1546 01:13:30,674 --> 01:13:34,744 RULE NUMBER ONE-- ALWAYS STAND BEHIND YOUR FELLOW CHEERLEADERS, 1547 01:13:34,811 --> 01:13:37,080 ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE 7 MONTHS PREGNANT, 1548 01:13:37,146 --> 01:13:40,416 LOCKED IN A HOLDING TANK, AND LOOKING AT 15 TO LIFE. 1549 01:13:40,484 --> 01:13:43,119 ACTUALLY, I MADE THAT LAST LITTLE BIT UP, 1550 01:13:43,186 --> 01:13:45,622 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 1551 01:13:53,697 --> 01:13:58,234 * WELL, SHE WAS AN AMERICAN GIRL * 1552 01:13:58,301 --> 01:14:01,938 * RAISED ON PROMISES * 1553 01:14:02,005 --> 01:14:04,708 * SHE COULDN'T HELP THINKIN' THAT THERE * 1554 01:14:04,774 --> 01:14:09,546 * WAS A LITTLE MORE TO LIFE SOMEWHERE ELSE * 1555 01:14:09,613 --> 01:14:13,750 * AFTER ALL, IT WAS A GREAT BIG WORLD * 1556 01:14:13,817 --> 01:14:17,521 * WITH LOTS OF PLACES TO RUN TO * 1557 01:14:17,587 --> 01:14:20,389 * AND IF SHE HAD TO DIE * 1558 01:14:20,456 --> 01:14:26,730 * TRYIN' SHE HAD ONE LITTLE PROMISE SHE WAS GONNA KEEP * 1559 01:14:26,796 --> 01:14:30,667 * OH, YEAH, ALRIGHT * 1560 01:14:30,734 --> 01:14:32,636 * TAKE IT EASY, BABY * 1561 01:14:32,702 --> 01:14:35,271 * MAKE IT LAST ALL NIGHT * 1562 01:14:35,338 --> 01:14:39,709 * SHE WAS AN AMERICAN GIRL * 1563 01:14:42,411 --> 01:14:46,182 * WELL, IT WAS KIND OF COLD THAT NIGHT * 1564 01:14:46,249 --> 01:14:49,919 * SHE STOOD ALONE ON HER BALCONY * 1565 01:14:49,986 --> 01:14:53,857 * YEAH, SHE COULD HEAR THE CARS ROLL BY * 1566 01:14:53,923 --> 01:14:58,895 * OUT ON 441, LIKE WAVES CRASHIN' ON THE BEACH * 1567 01:14:58,962 --> 01:15:02,566 * AND FOR ONE DESPERATE MOMENT THERE * 1568 01:15:02,632 --> 01:15:06,603 * HE CREPT BACK IN HER MEMORY * 1569 01:15:06,670 --> 01:15:08,572 * GOD, IT'S SO PAINFUL * 1570 01:15:08,638 --> 01:15:11,474 * WHEN SOMETHING THAT'S SO CLOSE * 1571 01:15:11,541 --> 01:15:15,712 * IS STILL SO FAR OUT OF REACH * 1572 01:15:15,779 --> 01:15:19,749 * OH, YEAH, ALRIGHT * 1573 01:15:19,816 --> 01:15:21,718 * TAKE IT EASY, BABY * 1574 01:15:21,785 --> 01:15:24,053 * MAKE IT LAST ALL NIGHT * 1575 01:15:24,120 --> 01:15:28,858 * SHE WAS AN AMERICAN GIRL * 1576 01:15:33,830 --> 01:15:37,100 * AN AMERICAN GIRL * 1577 01:15:41,938 --> 01:15:45,742 * AN AMERICAN GIRL * 1578 01:16:02,525 --> 01:16:04,160 * LET'S GO * 1579 01:16:18,474 --> 01:16:20,910 * GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE * 1580 01:16:20,977 --> 01:16:25,649 * WHAT YOU WANNA DO TODAY? * 1581 01:16:25,715 --> 01:16:28,217 * I'M SO TIRED OF WORKING * 1582 01:16:28,284 --> 01:16:32,822 * I'VE GOT TOO MANY BILLS TO PAY, THAT'S OK * 1583 01:16:32,889 --> 01:16:36,860 * 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A REAL STRAIGHT SHOT * 1584 01:16:36,926 --> 01:16:41,731 * YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD CAR * 1585 01:16:41,798 --> 01:16:44,033 * SO PICK A POINT ON THE MAP * 1586 01:16:44,100 --> 01:16:46,169 * DOESN'T MATTER WHICH ONE * 1587 01:16:46,235 --> 01:16:50,173 * WE'LL BE RICH WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE * 1588 01:16:50,239 --> 01:16:53,810 * YOU HOLD THE BAG, AND I'LL HOLD THE GUN * 1589 01:16:53,877 --> 01:16:56,379 * FILL UP THE TANK * 1590 01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:58,882 * LET'S ROB A BANK * 1591 01:17:00,984 --> 01:17:03,853 * I'VE GOT HOLES IN MY SHOES * 1592 01:17:03,920 --> 01:17:07,390 * I'VE GOT HOLES IN MY UNDERWEAR * 1593 01:17:08,658 --> 01:17:11,394 * TAKE A LOOK IN MY WALLET * 1594 01:17:11,460 --> 01:17:16,065 * THERE USED TO BE SOME MONEY THERE, I DON'T CARE * 1595 01:17:16,132 --> 01:17:20,036 * 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A REAL STRAIGHT SHOT * 1596 01:17:20,103 --> 01:17:25,141 * YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD CAR * 1597 01:17:25,208 --> 01:17:27,610 * SO PICK A POINT ON THE MAP * 1598 01:17:27,677 --> 01:17:29,779 * DOESN'T MATTER WHICH ONE * 1599 01:17:29,846 --> 01:17:33,382 * WE'LL BE RICH WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE * 1600 01:17:33,449 --> 01:17:37,053 * YOU HOLD THE BAG, AND I'LL HOLD THE GUN * 1601 01:17:37,120 --> 01:17:39,689 * FILL UP THE TANK * 1602 01:17:39,756 --> 01:17:42,158 * LET'S ROB A BANK * 1603 01:17:42,225 --> 01:17:45,394 * WE CAN HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT * 1604 01:17:45,461 --> 01:17:49,465 * OOOOH LA, LA, LA, LA * 1605 01:17:49,532 --> 01:17:52,068 * I CAN BUY A NEW GUITAR * 1606 01:17:52,135 --> 01:17:54,704 * YOU CAN PAY YOUR CREDIT CARDS * 1607 01:17:54,771 --> 01:17:57,741 * LET'S ROB A BANK * 1608 01:18:10,586 --> 01:18:14,758 * 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A REAL STRAIGHT SHOT * 1609 01:18:14,824 --> 01:18:19,695 * YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD CAR * 1610 01:18:19,763 --> 01:18:21,965 * SO PICK A POINT ON THE MAP * 1611 01:18:22,031 --> 01:18:24,801 * DOESN'T MATTER WHICH ONE * 1612 01:18:24,868 --> 01:18:28,004 * WE'LL BE RICH WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE * 1613 01:18:28,071 --> 01:18:31,741 * YOU HOLD THE BAG, AND I'LL HOLD THE GUN * 1614 01:18:31,808 --> 01:18:34,043 * FILL UP THE TANK * 1615 01:18:34,110 --> 01:18:36,079 * LET'S ROB A BANK * 1616 01:18:36,145 --> 01:18:38,081 * POINT ON THE MAP, DOESN'T MATTER WHICH ONE * 1617 01:18:38,147 --> 01:18:39,715 * LET'S ROB A BANK * 1618 01:18:39,783 --> 01:18:41,785 * WE'LL BE RICH WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE * 1619 01:18:41,851 --> 01:18:43,352 * LET'S ROB A BANK * 1620 01:18:43,419 --> 01:18:46,823 * YOU HOLD THE BAG, AND I'LL HOLD THE GUN * 1621 01:18:46,890 --> 01:18:49,458 * FILL UP THE TANK * 1622 01:18:49,525 --> 01:18:54,030 * LET'S ROB A BANK * 105373