Original subtitles

Good evening brothers and sisters,

this evening's story is concerned with higher education,

specifically with members of greek letter fraternities,

I presume there are fraternities for other nationalities as well,

this is a,

is a fraternity paddle,

apparently they have very small canoes,

in keeping with tonight's theme we shall first see a short educational film,

and then a story, as the story opens,

you will find the students hard at work,

wrestling with the complex problems,

which face man in his never-ending quest for truth.

...the thing wherein, I’ll catch the conscience of the king.

Oh give it up Mark baby, the play's the thing but not at a party,

Oh Robert this is the last of the beer at your place I think you should inform,

senior that he's letting down the youth of America by neglecting his larder.

I don't get my lines memorized this time,

old Barrington’s gonna laugh off this empty head I’ve grown fond.

Of oh we can't all be boy genius and valedictorian like dear help in here.

Tell us honey why don't you get off my back?

Hmm it's just a pretty back darling.

The last day of this semester,

what do you say? a truce, me and you, not waving axes.

Not exactly waving an axe at the moment.

You know fellas, the trouble with you is that,

you want to crucify anything you can't have,

and you were supposed to have left that behind at the age of six according to Pruitt.

Meaning I wanted you? -Meaning that you just can't bear the idea,

that I’m not falling on my face running after you dear.

I think we had the right idea in the first place,

get drunk,

stay drunk,

forget about finals.

-Here, here. -Mark,

what about that beer drinking about between you and I?

I’m still betting out on topsy you know.

They can't be found that, Alan, topsy me in anything.

That's quite a rash statement, isn't it Alan?

Keep trying baby you may still reach me.

-I’ve come to a conclusion. -Everybody listen Franklin has a conclusion.

-We tried too hard. -Here, here our leader speaks.

We're not the lost generation we're the stupid generation.

-Oh man... -Rocks in our heads.

Rattling around, agreed?

Um we try too hard to entertain ourselves,

to be different.

-I am different. -Alan old son? -Yes, Obi.

Come,

prove your manhood.

Ah the battle of the beer come on.

Be my guest, old buddy, be my guest.

Oh no, a challanger goes first,

you said you could drink a full pitcher without stopping,

I said I follow suit, if you could do it.

Without stopping, now mind you.

I have been challanged, hold my glass.

Mind over matters Franklin will put it,

-down the hatch. -Makes me slightly ill even to look at that much beer.

Robert you have a patient.

Well, here we go.

And yea the children amused themselves, poorly through lack of direction.

-Shakespeare? -No it's little conceit of my own.

Steady boy, steady.

Ah boy with courage, huh?

-You'll never do it. -Oh Ellen will do anything he sets out to do.

won't you darling?

Speak about a hollow lake...

You could talk about two hollow legs and not be very far wrong.

Come on Alan it's almost there, there we go.

Well old buddy, it's your turn.

Now that's all right old chap.

I know when I’m like you don't slide out of it that easily.

I can see though man, I can see.

What are you trying to do, make a jackass out of me?

No, you're picking up the marbles champ,

you're wearing the blue ribbon,

you've won.

That's not the point old buddy,

nothing gained by just one of us doing this you see,

I’ve suffered through it now you're gonna suffer through it.

Could be you've been taken?

-I’ll leave it up to Beth here. -What?

Beth, should I drink a full pitcher of beer?

if all I can do is time and not beat him.

I don't like being made a fool out of.

Hey old buddy,

how many eggs do you see, huh?

whoa,

come on toro,

You know we should all take a picture of our valedictorian,

and run it in a school paper on graduation day.

-He looks dead. -Dead drunk.

Hey I have an idea, why don't we get Mark's makeup cat?

make Alan up to look like a ghost when he wakes up.

-That's an interesting thought. -Oh come on he’d never fall for that.

-Perhaps. -He might fall, we stayed it just right,

-anyway it'd be good for a laugh. -I’ll go get your makeup kit.

-Robert, has your father got any formaldehyde in the house. -Formaldehyde?

It's used in embalming, sprinkle a little formaldehyde on Allan’s clothes,

he'll think he's dressed out for awake when he comes too.

I’ll go get my old man's medical bag, that would be something smelling like a funeral parlor in it.

Robert...

Wait wait wait we're doing this all wrong,

why don't we really scare Alan? make Mark to look like a corpse.

-Me a corpse? -Yes, Alan always gets quarrels when he gets drunk and he knows it,

suppose he woke up, and found that poker,

in his hand, the end marvelously blooded,

and you Mark, you say,

here, dead.

Yeah, probably remember fighting with me, but he wouldn't remember what point he passed out.

-That's right. -As Franklin, says it should be interesting.

And when he wakes up we'll accuse him of having hit Mark over the head.

No, it'll work better if we just set the scene and leave,

we'll go over to Robert’s house, and leave him here to wake up with the body.

Alan will age 10 years when he opens his eyes.

And we'll put the body in that chest.

This is fantastic.

A little more blood, bless it around.

-What's going on? -Oh a change of plans he won't need the formaldehyde,

we're wondering what would happen if Alan woke up and thought he had killed Mark.

-Hey, good good. -Yes. -Mark, you don't look dead enough.

Well we can always cut my wrists, leaving a knife in Alan’s hand.

-Hey, I’ve got it phenoboride. -Who?

There's nothing to this Mark just a little jab with a needle and

you're off dreaming for a few hours, here put some alcohol, will ya?

I’ll tell you what this does it, slows down the respiratory system,

takes the pulse rate down to practically nothing,

seen it work on some of my dad's patients,

I swear they weren't even breathing.

-I’m happy with my breathing the way it is. -Mark, don't be chicken.

Ah come on now Mark as a future member of the medical profession,

I can assure you there's almost nothing to worry about.

Almost nothing to worry about? I hear you loud and clear.

I’m joking Mark really, it's perfectly harmless stuff,

as a matter of fact you wake up later feeling like a new man, okay,

all right,

now don't don't move your arm, now we don't break the needle now.

Look, wait, how much of that stuff you're putting in me?

All right just lie back now.

Some music to fit the occasion.

Music to die by.

Funny, funny.

Do you feel anything?

Yeah, like a moron for letting that needle into me.

Come on Mark don't be chicken.

What are you looking at?

There's all that alcohol that drug ought to be taking effect right now.

-Getting out of here. -Come on Mark it's getting late.

Mark sleepy bye,

sleepy sleepy bye...

Go man, go.

He's going...

-He's gone. -And the question is will he come back.

Robert,

you're sure he's all right?

-I can't even feel him breathing. -No, he's breathing,

that stuff just lowers the respiration to the point where,

you need a stethoscope to find out whether he is or not.

Well hadn't we better go before Alan wakes up.

All right, come on everybody out over to my place.

Answer the phone somebody,

hello.

It woke him.

We'll fix him a good stiff drink keep his thinking muddled when he rushes in.

Hello...hello...

looks like we're two of a kind old buddy,

oh no,

Here he comes.

Oh hi there's a man needing a drink, if I ever saw him.

You and Mark could finally kiss and make up over there?

Isn't Mark coming over?

-Um no, no, Mark's asleep. -A little bourbon will straighten you out sport.

Robert, what about the party why did everyone come over here?

With the you and Mark shouting at each other wasn't any longer a party.

-When you left... -Yes...

Oh no, nothing.

Oh you sure can't hold it hon, I gotta hand it to you.

Oh Alan, Alan there there is something you should watch though,

you know at a certain point you seem to be just, you seem to be just,

looking for an argument, this is from friend of friend, right sport?

but, it uh takes the fun out of any party, you know.

-Robert... -Yeah?

No, no, nothing, I, I just,

I think I’ll go back over to the uh fraternity house and,

and maybe sleep it off over there.

I’ll see everybody later.

I wonder what's on his mind this minute?

Mark...

Mark...

He's coming.

Alan, I think you look like my head feels.

I don't really feel anything I’m numb.

Can I fix you a drink?

I don't want a drink,

oh I don't,

all night I’ve been trying to think, I...

About what champ?

Sheer insanity to try to keep it quieter.

Talking and riddles Alan.

Hey um where's Mark anyway?

Boy, probably skipped along home.

No, Mark didn't go home, Mark,

Mark is dead.

Dead?

How it happened or why I I don't know, but,

yes he's dead.

You're joking Alan.

I wish I were joking that,

all night I’ve been trying to think, I’ve been trying to think, how did it happen, I’d,

I’ve been trying to look for some way out.

You mean that argument between you and Mark,

you went at it again after we left you over there last night?

I suppose, I,

I think I hit him with a poker.

Well I guess you'd better call the police.

I guess it was all the liquor that I,

so I thought I could keep it quiet,

oh well...

Cheer up champ, Mark is as alive as you are,

probably feeling a lot better too,

since he's been sound asleep all night.

You should see the expression on your face, Alan.

-What do you mean, what...? -Just a little joke Alan,

although in retrospect in the clear light of dawn it,

it seems less humorous.

Well a little makeup paint and Mark volunteered to be injected with a drug,

and we set that scene of violent murder that you woke up to.

Makeup, that was makeup?

Yes darling take it down a peg or two, you were just too perfect at too many things.

-Oh, no... -Oh no, don't take it like that, now no harms uh?

No harm uh?

I told you I thought that I could conceal,

what I did or what I thought that I did so...

Not a very effective concealment Allan,

frankly I’d expected more from you.

I buried it.

I buried Mark

Don't you understand I thought that I could cover up what I did ,

so I thought I could say, that he went home or something, so I wrapped him,

in a blanket and I buried him in the sand.

You wrapped him in a blanket?

there's a chance he's still alive let's, get out!

Where is he? come on let's move.

Where, where? -It's right here,

-wait a minute maybe it was... -Where is he?

I don't know,

the spade marks, the waters washed the spade Marks away,

the tide wasn't up this high before,

the water wasn't up this high before,

oh I don't know.

Yes poor Alan left more than footprints in the sands of time,

if you think college students don't learn anything,

you are sadly mistaken,

these people certainly learn something that night,

they've never done anything like that again,

they were assisted in their resolve by the police,

for justice was meted out to the pranks ters,

I have more to say but it can wait 60 seconds,

while our dear sponsor speaks to you on his favorite topic.

How he does go on?

by the way, we would like it known that the foregoing story,

does not constitute a condemnation of fraternities or sororities or greeks,

or universities or young people or the seashore or salt water or sand,

I yield to no man, in my firm adherence to an uncompromising policy,

of offending no one,

so until next time good night.