Original subtitles

Up one.

Up two. Up three.

You want the margarita? Prove it.

Oh, my God. Hey.

- Harry. - Up.

- Um, do you come? - Up.

Up. Up.

You-- We can talk after.

I didn't know you came to this.

Yeah, it's kind of intense, but I'm into it.

Yeah.

All right.

- Think I'm gonna go shower off. - Oh, yeah.

They got nice showers here.

♪♪ I'm not hiding the remedy ♪

♪♪ To cure this old heart of mine ♪

♪♪ I can dream about you ♪

♪♪ If I can't hold you tonight... ♪

- It's huge. - Just, like...

Just so big, and I hate that I saw it.

And it makes you, like, sick?

No, it's like, inappropriate. Like, I shouldn't know

what another teacher's dick in this school looks like.

Ah, but it's, like, a locker room.

Doesn't that happen all the time?

No, no, no. You don't get it, Gwen.

He wanted me to see it. And he got what he wanted.

- Oh, you thought-- you think he-he does it on purpose? - Yes.

I'm telling you, I'm coming out of the shower,

he sees me, he goes like this.

Really.

Maybe he's, like, not even gay

and he was just, like, "Mm, God, what's up."

No, no, he's gay.

He has a rainbow flag in his Instagram bio.

- Well, maybe he's an ally. - Maybe he's an ally

by means of being gay and hooking up with guys.

I've literally talked to him about dating men.

Okay, so, what's the problem? Sorry, I'm-I'm not tracking.

He's attractive.

And then he puts his horse cock in my face this morning,

- and I'm not allowed to-- - Suck it?

No. Date other faculty.

Because of the investigation thing.

Oh.

But maybe he's not trying to date you.

Like, that feels kind of, like, a leap.

No, he's trying to date me.

As you know, we're in the process of replacing

our school mascot, the Dragons, with the newly voted upon

the Horses. The Horses.

Student competition is underway to help choose

the new logo, the new look of the logo--

Oh, did you get a chance to take a look at any of those?

The kids are mostly drawing penises.

Uh, no, I haven't had a chance, but that is disappointing.

- That... - So what I was thinking is, I actually know

this great company that could help out with this.

- They redid the mascots for, - No.

like, five or six local schools last year.

Really did a bang-up job.

They let the kids come up with the art,

but then this company comes in and executes,

makes it looks completely professional.

Okay, the student logo design competition

is already underway, Rick.

Listen, man! This is personal.

All right? The Dragons was offensive to my people.

Your-your people? What people-- college counselors?

My people.

The people that I come from.

Heaven?

Well, whatever he is, his lineage should be celebrated,

whether he be a white man, a Black man,

a proud Indian brave--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Jesus, Markie. - Thank you.

Rick, if you know of a company that can handle this

in a professional and effective manner, then yes,

you can be our liaison on that, all right?

Yes! Hell, yeah. Let's get it.

All right, guys, this is perfect timing, actually,

because kids aren't even thinking about college yet.

It's your company, right?

Who's to say?

No, it's his company.

Last but not least, we need to assign

some duties and committees. Gwendolyn,

I need you on bus duty this week.

And from what I can tell,

the only person not on a committee is you,

Evan, and Harry,

so, uh, I'm gonna have you two together

to head up the, uh, the homecoming dance,

- all right? - Okay.

No. No, no, no.

I'm-I'm-- No, I'm really am--

All right, we are dismissed, okay?

Go inspire those young, warped minds.

I want to sing the National Anthem this morning.

Why would they do this to me?

Grant, can I talk to you for a second? These are crazy.

- What do you want? - I'm thinking

it might be good if you unpair Harry and I for

- this homecoming dance thing. - Why?

I-I can't tell you why, but just trust me.

I mean, I can unpair you, but I'll need a clear reason.

Otherwise, it'll look like homophobia.

How's it gonna look like homophobia?

If I separate two gay men, isn't that homophobia?

I can see the logic.

Some of these kids could get into Parsons.

It's really beautiful work.

Can you just-- I-I think just unpair us.

- It's-- It'll be good. - No, Evan. Just do your job.

Stop creating drama where there is none.

Just plan the... plan the homecoming dance. Go.

This horse will do.

Rick, I found a winner.

Okay, so,

how much do we think the author is writing

- based on his own experiences? - Do it.

Just say something.

Chelsea, what's going on?

Um, Mr. Marquez, I'm sorry to interrupt class,

but it's actually super triggering for me

to be reading a book about a disease right now

with everything I'm going through.

Because of everything you're going through?

What, are you going through, Kayla?

The rest of the class sort of already knows about this.

But recently,

I was successfully diagnosed...

with something called...

- You're doing great, Kayla. - It's okay.

Be present with your illness, okay?

...asymptomatic Tourette's.

What?

So, what Tourette's Syndrome is, right...

No, I know what Tourette's syndrome is.

Oh, great. Okay.

So it sounds like you're halfway there

and you're taking an opportunity

to be educated, which is honorable.

- Thank you. - So, asymptomatic Tourette's, right?

It's like Tourette's syndrome, but the tics,

and, like, the hardship, right?

But without any symptoms.

So in its way, A.T. is harder because--

What is A.T.? Oh, asymptomatic Tourette's.

Okay. Uh-huh?

It is harder because people have, like, actually no idea

the battle that people like Kayla are fighting,

inside, every day.

It's a silent killer.

And someone actually diagnosed you with this?

It's disrespectful to ask that. I'm so sorry

- that you had to hear it. - It's okay.

You can't blame people for making really huge mistakes

when they haven't learned the etiquette.

It's only self-diagnosable.

I see.

She's making up this whole fake disease,

she's describing the symptoms-- there aren't any symptoms--

she's calling it asymptomatic Tourette's.

I feel like I've never related to you more about these kids

just making up crazy shit for their own benefit.

- It's insane. - Have you done a full and comprehensive diagnostic

to see if there's any potential underlying symptoms?

I'm not a doctor, but I don't have to be a doctor

to know that this girl is making something up.

I tell you what, I'll come by your classroom tomorrow,

get a firsthand assessment of her condition.

- You're not a doctor. - Two and a half more credits in kinesiology

and I would have been a doctor.

Okay, so then the blue streamers, the school has.

I have to buy gold streamers.

And then there's a ladder, I think, in the utility closet.

Yeah. It's basically that, right?

Wow. I did not realize that we had,

- like, an agenda. - Oh, yeah.

The-the... I just, um, have to get home

to grade all these papers.

Yeah. Okay. Blue and gold streamers it is.

Ugh. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry that took so long.

One of the managers was like-- Luke--

he's sexually harassing me in the back.

I'm sorry to ask this.

- Are you guys gay? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- Yeah. - My people. Thank God.

When you walked in, I clocked you,

and I was like "Hey, sister."

And it's, like, the community in Austin is amazing.

But, like, I keep trying to reach out

to people and they're, like, "You're toxic"

or "I'm busy," and I'm like,

"Babe, I have zero friends." I moved here from Michigan.

So, my dears, what can I get

you two lovebirds for din-din?

Oh, sorry, we're not lovebirds. We just-we just work together.

- Oh, my God! - I think, maybe,

we need a little bit more time?

No sweat. Uh, if you need anything,

holler "Clarkson." My name's Daniel.

So I'm-I'm realizing, actually, I can do a lot of this alone.

So I might just head home and, uh,

- I'll get my food to go. - Hey, but,

okay. We're here, though, and...

I just got my wine, so...

Look, I get it.

This committee shit-- it's annoying, but, like,

let's just, you know, have some fun with it.

- Okay. That's fine. - Oh,

I have a few ideas for the playlist,

if you want to talk about that.

- Don't the kids do the music? - Yeah, see,

I don't think that's a good idea, right?

Because at my last school,

we let the kid DJ the prom

and then he tried to play an entire episode

of Dax Shepard's podcast.

- Which episode? - Oh.

I've actually been super into this song lately, I...

I'll just play it for you.

- Oh, my God. - ♪♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪♪ Give me your hand, darling ♪

♪♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

♪♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪♪ Do you feel the same? Am I-- ♪

Are you fucking kidding-- you come to my favorite restaurant?

I'm six-months pregnant, you bitch!

- Malcolm. What the fuck - Kidding.

- are you doing here? - Hey, babe. Come here.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh. Miss you.

S-Sorry, Malcolm this is Harry. Uh, he works at Morrison now.

- Harry, this is Malcolm. - Harry. - Hi.

- Malcolm. - He used to work at Morrison, but...

Yes, yes, I used to work at Morrison,

till I got fired for fucking him.

That is not what happened.

Yeah, we had sex. Penetrative. Top, bottom.

- That is really not what happened. - And I got fired.

He was-he's my ex-boyfriend, and now I'm single.

Which I like! I like being single.

And I don't want to have a... I'm not--

I'm not open to relationships.

Okay.

High-strung tonight. Is he being weird on your date?

- It's not a date. - Um, hey,

did-did the waiter ask you if you're gay?

No. I guess I give off like a masc vibe.

Sometimes I wish I was more fem like you guys.

I've tried to be fem for clout.

It just doesn't come naturally to me.

I-I-- You're leaving.

Do I have to? I can stay and hang out.

No, no, you're leaving. I'm gonna leave with you.

I have to go.

I got just... He can give me a ride.

- I give rides. - A ride to your car?

A ride to my car. Exactly. Yeah. So...

- Hey, nice to meet you. - Great work,

and I-I will see you at work.

- You too. - Um...

thanks so much. Okay.

- We did it. - He's hot.

Ugh.

I literally have COVID.

He's hot, huh?

Harry?

My God. Can't believe Grant found

the second-hottest gay guy in Austin to replace me.

It's just this whole thing

because he's into me and he's, like...

I can tell he's trying to make a move.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Think he's into you? I didn't get that vibe at all. - Malcolm.

- I truly didn't. - He literally played this gorgeous song

like this on his phone,

so we had to smush our faces together.

What? That doesn't mean anything. I mean,

I-- People do that all the time. People play music

for each other, it's, like,

not really a big deal.

I actually think I was getting a vibe from him.

He looked at me, and...

it kind of gave, like,

"Let's kiss and also fuck, right now."

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're jealous.

I like that. More of that face, please.

It's the most boyfriendy thing you've done to me in months.

Hey, guys, before we get started today here--

Settle down, settle down.

Um, before class starts today,

I would like to take some ownership

and say a few words about A.T., also known as

asymptomatic Tourette's.

Come on.

Uh-huh, Chelsea, yes?

It's not called A.T. anymore.

- That's actually super disrespectful. - - Oh.

What is it called now?

K.S. It stands for Kayla Syndrome.

It's named as an in memoriam to Kayla.

Dierdre, I think you might mean a tribute.

- No. - Okay.

Are you getting that? Does that make sense to you, sir?

Oh, so it's named after Kayla.

Okay. That's cool.

It's actually not cool. I mean, are you seeing this girl?

She's, like, sick as a dog.

Yeah. Well, I apologize, Kayla.

I'm sorry that you have Kayla Syndrome.

So, it's actually better if you just

- call it K.S. - Okay.

Because it's super triggering for Kayla

- to have to hear her own name - Absolutely.

- brought up in that context. - Heard. Gotcha.

Makes sense.

You know, part of me wonders...

You-- you have something to say, say it.

Just say it.

Coach Hillridge, do you have any thoughts?

I'm just here to listen.

That's why you the man.

Thank you, Coach Hillridge. That means a lot.

You're welcome, Kayla.

Yes, thank you, sir.

Chelsea, you're welcome.

Did anybody do the homework?

- No. - Nope. - No,

we've all been dealing with this.

Right. You're all getting your...

medical degrees.

- Have a good one, Jake. - All right.

So, after witnessing that, do you still think A.T. is--

- K.S. - K.S.-- do you still think it's a real disease?

Look, it's actually quite simple.

Kayla and Chelsea--

best friends since freshman year, right?

Side-by-side, socially speaking.

- Uh-huh. - Last month,

Chelsea's out for a couple weeks, remember that?

The whole time she's gone,

all Kayla could hear is, "Where's Chelsea?"

"Is Chelsea gonna be out for much longer?"

So then Kayla's getting jealous and she comes up with--

Asymptomatic Tourette's.

And it worked, for a time.

But then Chelsea starts rallying everyone

to be super supportive of Kayla.

And what does that do?

Makes everybody talk about how great and caring Chelsea is.

Chelsea did the same thing to Renee last year,

and Renee is still not back at 100%.

You know what I'm saying?

Who-Who... who's Renee?

Come on, man. She goes by

Dierdre in the classroom,

Renee in the friend group.

Keep up, Marquez.

It's just so much information.

But that's beside the point. It brings us to today.

The events of what happened here in your classroom.

Who speaks up on Kayla's behalf? Who started

making sure everyone was sympathetic

to the journey that Kayla was on?

Who renamed the goddamn disease?

Chelsea. Kayla's

whole gambit to gain sympathy

has turned into nothing more

than a vehicle for Chelsea's rapid ascent

to the upper echelon of popularity.

- Woof! - That's crazy.

You got all this from 20 minutes in my classroom?

I only needed ten.

♪♪ I've fallen in love... ♪

You know, I have to say,

you are the hottest man I've ever met.

Oh, stop.

What'd you think of my dick in the locker room?

I loved it.

I knew you wanted me to see it.

But Gwen thought--

No, Gwen was wrong.

And Markie is also wrong.

About everything.

I know.

♪♪ You got the touch. ♪

Evan, I'm trying to take a nap,

- so it better be important. - It is. Listen.

To put it simply, Harry's extremely into me, okay?

And I know I'm not allowed to date other teachers

and I think he's gonna try to do something about it

and I-I'm trying to avoid it, but it could happen.

Evan, somebody who looks like Harry would not be into you.

- This is not a problem. - You don't get it.

We were in the locker room the other day

and he takes off his towel in front of me on purpose.

He showed me his incredible ass and dick.

- I was-I was-- - No! Stop it!

- I was exhausted just - Stop it, Evan.

- by the fantasies that came up - Stop. Evan.

- just from seeing it initially. - Evan. Stop, stop, stop!

We did not have this conversation.

- We had this conversation. - I'll see you at the dance.

I am hot. I am considered hot

in my community, okay?

I don't care if you all think I'm basic-looking,

- I am an attractive gay guy. - ♪♪ You got ♪

♪♪ The touch of love ♪

♪♪ And I just can't get ♪

- ♪♪ Enough... ♪ - Oh, Evan.

This streamer just ripped. Will you hold the ladder?

You don't need me to hold the ladder, Harry.

I have to make more punch.

Okay.

Ashley, your mom did such a good job with those sugar cookies.

I love them.

- Hey. - God, he looks so good tonight.

I don't care how hard he tries,

nothing is gonna happen between us.

Is it possible...

...he's maybe not trying to make something happen?

You know, like, you're very handsome and...

You're so handsome.

But maybe you're just reading into it?

No. It feels unmistakable.

♪♪ To our love... ♪

Sorry. Um, Evan, could I

speak to you outside for a second?

Sure.

♪♪ Can't hide... ♪

Sorry.

Back inside.

Um...

did I do something to offend you?

No.

Of course not.

Uh, because you, uh...

You've been acting very weird

with me all week.

I'm-I'm... Harry, I'm being weird

because if something happened between us,

it would be very catastrophic for my life, okay?

I think you know this already. I'm not allowed to date teachers

because of a very specific situation in my life.

So, if something happens between you and I, you know,

it-it's not gonna be good.

You want to fuck me, I want to fuck you.

I get it. This is clear as day.

But it's gonna go beyond that, okay?

We're gonna want to start dating each other,

we're probably, uh, potentially, gonna want to get married.

Then what happens? One of us is gonna quit?

I can't just report this marriage to the board.

One of us is gonna have to quit the job.

And so that's-that's where I draw the line.

And-and I don't care how bad you want it.

I don't care how bad I want it.

It's not happening, okay? I'm not throwing away my life

for-for you, for-for whatever this thing is

that you're imagining that we have together.

Evan. Take a breath.

Um, first of all, I-I have a boyfriend.

I'm...

Oh, my God. Oh-oh, my God, oh, my God.

- It's not even-- - No, no, no, it's okay.

I do this.

This is something I do, actually.

I think people are into me when they're not into me

and I think I'm, like-- I have this, like, inflated sense

of my own attractiveness, and I think

I'm, like, this hunky guy

and then I get really attracted to really good-looking guys

and then I find out, like, they were never thinking of me

like that. Like, I have a funny-looking

- kind of face, I don't-- - Evan. Evan,

if you would let me talk for a second.

Is this Kayla Syndrome?

No, it's-- I'm sorry, that's so stupid.

I-- W-- They're-- Yes.

We can just be coworkers. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry.

- E-Evan. - I-I'm serious.

You don't need to save me. I'm fine. Thank you.

Hello, hello? Hey! Hello, everyone.

Gather round, gather round.

- Uh, first of all... - Oh, God, I just had

the weirdest interaction with Harry.

He's not into me. You were so right.

I was just making the whole fucking thing up.

That's great.

Before we announce our homecoming court winners,

we will have a brief presentation

of our new school mascot,

designed by the RCK Group.

All right.

Where the weed at?

No, I'm just messing around. You guys are good kids.

I'm now excited and thrilled to present

your new school mascot, Michael the Horse...!

Oh, Michael. Not even alliteration.

Come on!

Let's go!

Thank you, thank you, RCK Group.

I guess we'll just remain the Dragons for the time being.

So, now, for your homecoming court queen,

Kayla Stephenson. Kayla Stephenson.

Yeah, Kayla!

♪♪ Let's forget about it ♪

♪♪ Let's just ride it out. ♪

- Are you crying? - She did it.

- Thank you. - Wow.

This means the world to me. But

there's someone here tonight who could use this tiara

a whole lot more than me.

Chelsea...

I don't care what Thomas said about you last night.

You're the coolest. This is for you.

Aw.

What the hell was that?

I had a little chat with Kayla, gave her

- some sage wisdom. - Your homecoming queen.

What'd you tell her?

The truth. The best way

to gain power is to artificially give it away.

- Thank you. - All right. Congratulations, both of you.

- So you solved it? - Yep.

At least until Lauren gets her Invisalign out. I mean...

Who is Lauren?

- Come on, dude. Wow. - You don't know who Lauren is?

You guys are obsessed with the students

in a way that is weird to me.

♪♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪♪ Give me your... ♪

What's up?

Um...

Kind of just left before we had a chance

to finish our conversation.

I did?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I felt like I was, like...

...the longer I stayed out there,

the more I was gonna say insane shit.

It's probably the right instinct.

Yeah.

I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.

Honestly, I kind of like seeing you like that.

It was cute.

♪♪ Am I only dream... ♪

Really?

Really.

♪♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪♪ Give me your hand ♪

But you have a boyfriend.

It's not the '50s, man.

We're open.

Oh, you're open? Of course.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - That makes sense.

♪♪ Or is this burning ♪

♪♪ An eternal ♪

- ♪♪ Flame? ♪ - ♪♪ Close your eyes... ♪

Jesus! Jesus. Jesus. What the hell, man?

- This was a mistake. - What's wrong with you?

This was a mistake.

I got caught up in the moment and then that...

d-doesn't matter, though,

because that moment did not... even happen.

Okay.

Okay. So, you're, like, crazy-crazy.

Got it. I'm gonna leave.

Good. That's what I want you to do.

♪♪ I can dream about you ♪

♪♪ If I can't hold you tonight ♪

♪♪ I can dream about you ♪

♪♪ You know how to hold me just right ♪

♪♪ I can dream about you ♪

♪♪ You know how to hold me just right ♪

♪♪ I can dream about you ♪

♪♪ If I can't hold you tonight ♪

♪♪ I can dream about you ♪

♪♪ Oh, I can dream ♪

- ♪♪ I can dream ♪ - ♪♪ Whoa ♪

- ♪♪ I can dream about you ♪ - ♪♪ Dream about you ♪

♪♪ Oh, I can dream about you. ♪