Original subtitles

[Music - Jack Jones, "love boat theme"]

(Singing) Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow, it flows back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat, promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance, and love

won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Hello.

Hello.

We are the gerbers of Ohio.

This is our daughter, Gail.

Welcome aboard.

Hi, nice to meet you.

I'm captain stubing and this is my daughter, Vicki.

Hi.

Hello.

Is this your first cruise?

Yeah.

I hope there's stuff for kids to do on this ship.

Oh, there's lots to do.

You'll have a great time.

You think you could show me around?

Well, sure.

Come on, I'll give you the grand tour.

Can we go?

Certainly, dear.

Bye.

Bye bye.

Let's see.

We've got ping-poing and movies, and when we get into port,

we can go ice skating.

Oh, good.

Hi, girls.

Hi, goph.

Who's that?

Oh, that's gopher.

He's the assistant purser.

Here, why don't you read these and i'm

sure you'll find something on board you're interested in.

Yes.

I'm sure I will, too.

Come on.

I want to take you up on deck.

There's some great things to do.

There's a pool and everything.

Hi.

I'm Larry winters.

My wife wouldn't have gotten here before me by any chance,

would she?

No, sir.

She hasn't checked in yet, but you and Mrs. Winters

will be staying in promenade 336.

Your brochure described this as being

the perfect setting for romance, to start a new one

or renew an old one.

And we wouldn't lie about a thing like that.

Well, I guess I'll wait on deck.

And remember, you're here to meet your wife.

Better not start a new one.

Yeah.

Now, this can't possibly be my cabin.

I specifically requested a suite.

Matt, how are you?

It's good to see you again.

Hey, it's great to be back, gopher.

How is the gang?

It's great.

Doc still getting nauseous at the sight of blood?

Only his own.

Always leave me laughing. See you later, goph.

You bet.

Bye bye.

Oh, mom.

I still can't believe we're going on a cruise.

This is so fantastic.

Oh, I know it, honey.

We are going to have such a great time.

It couldn't happen to two nicer people.

Hi.

Welcome aboard.

Hello.

I'm Mrs. Heller and this is my daughter, Beth.

I can't buy that.

Are you sure you kids aren't running away from home?

Now that's what I call a real welcome.

Besides the long run from Colorado,

we're on the aloha deck.

Are we getting warm?

Right through there to the right.

Oh, wait a minute, Mrs. Heller.

I just realized.

I have another welcome for you.

Come here.

Your name is practically in lights.

Matt's terrific.

Have you ever seen him perform?

Only when he was a magician.

He did a disappearing act.

Well, come on.

Let's get settled.

After all these, years he's still ruining things for us.

Hi, I'm mikki Rafferty.

Hello I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

Let's see.

You're on the aloha deck, cabin 236, miss Rafferty.

Ok.

Listen, if you happen to see any cute single guys on here,

just point them out to me, will you?

I'm hoping to start a new one.

Pardon me?

A romance.

Don't you read your own brochure?

Look, start a new one or renew an old one.

My old ones don't stick around long enough to get renewed.

Trouble is I only go for q and d men.

Is that some kind of rare blood type?

No, no.

It's the grading in "Cosmopolitan magazine's" love

quiz I took last month, what's your dating category?

Well, mine's q and d, men of quality and distinction.

You know, professional types, like doctors,

lawyers, presidents.

We have nothing wrong with a girl aiming high.

The trouble is q and d guys generally go for q and d girls,

whereas I'm more f and g.

F and g?

Fun and games.

Oh.

Well, I'll look around.

I'm sure we've got a few q and d bachelors

somewhere on this ship.

Great.

Oh, and if you find two, keep one for yourself, the uglier

one.

[Ship horn]

[Music playing]

Here you go, Mr. Winters.

And if you don't mind me asking, how come you're not renewing

your romance with Mrs. Winters?

She didn't show up, Isaac.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sure she had a good reason.

Dorothy always has good reasons.

She's a lawyer, very successful but very wrapped

up in her career.

I told her I'm going to be on that boat

and if you care anything at all about saving our marriage,

you'll be there, too.

I guess I got my answer.

Hey, mikki, find anybody you're interested in?

Oh, sure did.

He's a stockbroker, an account executive, and a pediatrician.

Great.

Not so great.

The stockbroker's with a blonde, the account executive's

with a redhead, and the pediatrician's in his cabin

with the chicken pox.

Hey, you're pretty good.

Oh, it's just a knack, nothing I really worked hard at.

You know it's funny, whenever I work hard at something,

I usually fail at it.

Well, why don't you try thinking positive?

Maybe then good things will start to happen for you.

Yeah, could be.

Well, I think I'll dive into the pool and see if I get lucky.

You know, I once saved a guy from drowning

and ended up with a great weekend in nantucket.

Too bad he was only six.

See you later.

Ok.

Jenny?

Hello, Matt.

I can't-- I can't believe it.

You look absolutely beautiful.

Let's not get carried away.

Absolutely older, yes, but absolutely beautiful--

I mean it.

You just look great.

Matt?

Yeah.

This is Beth.

Oh, now I know none of this is happening.

You're all grown up.

Oh, Beth.

Excuse me, mother.

My stomach is acting up a bit.

I'll see you back in the cabin.

After almost 20 years, that's the best she can do.

Well, she's very excited about this trip.

She gets a little bit high-strung sometimes.

That's her nature.

Her nature?

And being rude part of her nature, too?

Give her some time.

This has been quite a surprise for both of us.

This is a great ship.

I love it.

Well if you'd like, later on we

can go swimming or something.

Good.

Over there is where they play shuffleboard.

And that's where--

hey, look, Vicki.

There's your friend, Mr. Gopher.

Oh, gopher's just his nickname.

His real name is burrell Smith.

Burrell Smith.

Would you like me to introduce you?

Well yeah, sure.

Great, come on.

Hey, goph.

Yeah?

You want to be my new friend?

Sure.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Gail gerber. - Hi, Gail.

Do you want to play a game of shuffleboard?

Oh, no thanks.

No, you kids go ahead and play.

I'm looking for a dinner date.

I don't have any dinner plans.

Well, aren't you eating with your parents?

Who?

Oh, them.

I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I had dinner with someone else.

Well, great.

Then you can have dinner with me and sit at the captain's table.

Excuse me.

I don't know what he sees in her.

Well, gopher goes for that glamorous, sophisticated type.

Huh, really?

Yeah, until 3:30.

Then he goes for anything.

Hey.

Hey, that's mine.

It's not a very good likeness, is it?

Tell me, do I look as lost as all that?

Yeah, but you're cuter.

My name's mikki Rafferty.

That's mikki, spelled m-i-k-k-i.

Very original.

Larry winters.

Oh.

You an artist?

No, no, no.

I'm a dancer, featured weekly on the unemployment line.

What do you do?

Are you a doctor or something?

How about a corporation lawyer.

Is that something?

Yeah, it sure is.

You wouldn't happen to be alone, would you?

No.

Figures.

How can I be alone if I'm with you?

Honey, you better get dressed or we'll be late for dinner.

Daddy, I'm not really hungry.

I just want to sleep.

Are you feeling ok, Princess?

Fine.

I'm just tired.

Vicki and I, we played ping-pong and shuffleboard and went

swimming.

I guess you have put in a pretty full day.

Besides, Vicki wants to get an early start tomorrow.

She has lots of really neat things planned.

Ok, sweetheart.

Well, order some food if you want and get some rest.

Nighty night, daddy.

Nighty night.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

[Music playing]

I don't see how you could sit and talk with him.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't be like you.

You were very rude, Beth.

Rude?

Mother, he walked out on us.

He deserted his wife and child.

That was a long time ago, Beth.

Matt and I were very young, and things

happened so fast that we just couldn't seem to handle it all.

So he handled it by running away.

You know, I don't remember ever saying the word "daddy."

Oh, sweetheart, please.

Don't do this to yourself.

It's over.

We can't change the past.

I know you'd like me to sit back

and act as if it never happened, but I can't do that mother.

Then at least act a little less hostile for me, please.

All right, I'll try.

Good evening.

Where have you been hiding?

Could I have a table for one, please?

For one?

You'll never believe this, but it

appears I, too, am without a dinner

companion for this evening.

Would you care to join me?

Aren't you sweet.

That would divine.

Not at all.

This way.

Fine.

Actually, I'd like something a little more intimate.

Intimate?

More romantic.

Mhm.

I think I see just the spot right over there.

Perfect, darling.

You don't mind if I call you darling, do you?

No, I don't.

I don't mind that at all.

Darling is one of my favorite movies.

And yours is?

Uh, Lillian.

Lillian?

Lillian gerber.

Gerber.

Gerber.

Now why do I know that name?

Well, you probably met my kid sister, Gail.

That little brat is always getting into someone's hair.

Vicki's friend.

Yes.

I should have noticed by the family resemblance.

Oh, really?

I don't think we look alike at all.

[Laughs]

I was out of [inaudible] before my teabag had dried.

Would you excuse me?

Sure.

Order the trout, so fresh you have to slap it.

Hi.

Hi.

When I heard all the laughter, I should have known

that you would be close by.

Feeling any better, Beth?

You must know somebody to be sitting at the captain's table.

What's bothering you, Beth.

Well, she's just--

she's just what?

Come on, Beth.

What is it?

Why don't you just go away.

Leaving people was always your style.

I'm sorry, mom.

You are a very good dancer.

You think so?

I've been turned down for eight road

companies of a chorus line.

The one that really hurt was "Chicago."

The choreographer was my brother.

What other talents do you have that I don't know about?

Well, let's see.

I've been a shoe shine girl and delivered pizzas

and I was a towel ringer at a car wash.

Have I scared you off yet?

Far from it.

Well, you give me time.

I'll get there.

A beautiful girl like you must have a lot of dates.

No, no, not really.

I mean, most the men I know are really very mature.

That's a phase I never went through.

[Applause]

Here we are.

Thank you.

Hi, gopher.

Vicki.

Vicki, have you met Gail's sister, Lillian?

No, hi.

Gail didn't tell me she had a sister.

She's at that age of denial, darling.

Why don't I get us some drinks.

Where is Gail, anyway?

She was supposed to meet me for dinner.

She went to sleep early tonight.

But I knocked on the cabin door and there was no answer.

Oh well, there's your parents.

Why don't I go ask them.

No, no, no.

Don't do that.

You know, Vicki, Gail may have slipped out for a little while

to have some fun.

If she did, we wouldn't want to get her in any trouble now,

would we?

I guess not.

Oh, well.

It was nice to meet you.

Excuse me.

Lillian, this is one of Isaac's

special pacific love potions.

Gopher.

Mhm?

It's so hot in here.

Do you think maybe we could step outside and get

some fresh air, the moonlight?

Sure.

Incredible.

These things must work on fumes.

Jenny, what is it about me that

makes Beth hate me so much?

Oh, it's just the chemistry, Matt.

It can be that way between some people.

No, Jenny.

We're not test tubes or experiments.

We're just people.

There's got to be more to it than that.

Does Beth know?

I mean, does she know everything?

Don't tell me you've never told her.

Oh my god, Jenny.

Why?

I don't know.

I was always waiting for her to be older,

and then when she was older we had become so close.

I didn't want to risk losing that.

You know we're going to have to tell her.

No, Matt.

After the cruise, Beth and I will go back home

and that will be the end of it.

The end of it?

Well, what about me?

I'm supposed to just go through life

knowing that Beth hates me?

I don't think I can handle that.

Promise me, Matt, please.

Promise me that you won't tell her.

You know, Lillian, you have the qualities

that I admire most in a woman.

Me?

You're beautiful, intelligent, and you're fun to be with.

I guess we have a lot in common.

What time is it?

It's early, I'm sure.

Look.

Oh, it's just about midnight.

Well, I better go.

It's past my bedtime.

I mean, I need my beauty sleep.

Good night.

Yeah, but Lillian, actually, see my watch

is about two minutes fast.

Good night.

Hi, guys.

Hey, goph.

Hey, gopher.

Hey gopher, what happened to your date?

Well, what didn't happen?

Incredible night.

Really?

Let's have it.

Details, details.

Guys, wait a minute.

I am not the kind of gentleman that kisses and tells.

Kissing.

You put the old liplock on her, huh?

Hey, you devil you. What else?

What else? - Guys, please.

I am a doer, not a talker.

And besides, it's not fair to the ladies.

And want a lady that Lillian is, man.

Oh, come on, gopher.

Can't you tell us anything?

Well, there's nothing to tell.

I walked her back to the cabin and said good night.

That's all.

That's all?

And I stayed for a nightcap or two.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hey, gopher, what's the matter with Lillian?

I just saw her running back to her cabin a few minutes ago.

Is anything wrong?

I thought you said you walked her back to her cabin.

Well, we weren't walking, we were running.

Couldn't wait to get me back here.

Gopher, I didn't see you with her.

Well, I was running so fast you probably couldn't see me.

You struck out, didn't you, gopher?

[Bell ringing]

Doc, what am I doing wrong?

[Door opening]

Look at the poor darling.

She must have been just exhausted.

You know, Joan.

When you think of those kids who get their parents

in a lot of trouble, we sure are lucky to have

an angel like Gail.

[Door closing]

[Sigh]

[Music playing]

Come on.

Let's go get some breakfast.

Go ahead.

I want to finish this letter.

Looks like a long one.

I have a lot to say.

It's to your friend, Matt, the kind of letter

you should have received long ago.

Beth, is it so important to you to hurt him?

If it will make you feel any better,

you've accomplished that little feat very well.

Did he say something to you?

He didn't have to say anything.

You don't see a person bleed you know they're wounded.

Beth, sometimes we do things that we think

are right at the time, and years later, we realize

we made a terrible mistake.

Don't worry, mother.

I'll never be sorry I wrote this letter.

That's not what I meant, Beth.

I can't help it, mom.

I just can't.

I hate myself for hating him so much.

I know.

We all hate ourselves sometimes.

Mikki.

Hi.

Hi, Julie.

Mikki, I'd like you to meet a very good friend

of mine, Dr. Adam bricker.

How do you do?

Definitely q and b.

Well, hello.

Quality and distinction, huh?

No, quick and dangerous.

Don't believe a word it, mikki.

I'm really harmless.

And knowing that, I'm going to acapulco

later, if you care to join me.

Oh, well thank you, doctor, and you too, Julie.

But I'm sort of hoping for another invitation right now.

But I tell you what, when I don't get it,

I'll come looking for you, ok?

It's not even 9:00 and I've had my first rejection.

[Laughs]

See you later.

Ok, bye.

Bye.

Ok, Pete, now we finished the drunk at the lifeboat

drill routine, right?

Then you give me a da, da, da, da.

Go right into "if you knew susie like I knew susie."

Ok?

[Piano playing]

(Singing) If-- [Applause]

Bravo.

Great.

Fantastic.

Listen, we don't want you singing too loud because we

don't to disturb the drinkers.

Matt, I don't normally make personal mail deliveries,

but this one had the scent of warm, tropical

nights and grass-skirted women.

Ah.

Recently mowed.

My, I haven't received a fan letter

since I ran out of stamps.

I hope he does the one about the aardvark

and the [inaudible]

Oh yeah, you do that tonight, they'll love you.

Yeah, yeah.

Here's a fan who couldn't wait till tonight to tell

me how much she loved me.

See you guys.

Yeah.

Captain?

Matt, come in.

Come in.

Thank you.

Merrill, I need a big favor.

No, you can't have the ship tonight.

I'm using it.

For once, i'm serious, very serious.

Huh?

What is it?

Well, I have two friends that I must get to the show tonight.

It's very important to me.

I don't understand, Matt.

Anyone can come to the show.

I don't think they'd come, unless, perhaps,

you were to personally invite them as your guests.

Are you talking about the two women in the dining room

the other night?

Yeah.

Let's just say it's a family matter.

That's good enough for me.

Don't worry about it.

I'll have them there.

I promise you.

Thanks, merrill.

I really owe you on this one.

The only thing you owe me is a good show tonight.

Could be the best one of my life or the worst.

- Hi, Gail. - Hi.

You want to have breakfast together?

Oh, mommy, daddy, can I, please?

Please?

Of course.

Sure.

You kids run along and have fun now.

Come on.

So what happened last night?

Well, what do you mean?

Well, first you didn't come to dinner,

and then your sister told me you were sleeping.

Well, I was.

But I went to your cabin and knocked and knocked.

You never answered.

Oh, well I slept in mommy and daddy's cabin last night.

I get afraid of the dark sometimes.

Boy, you are a baby.

- Hi, kids. - Hi.

Hi.

Where's your sister?

Oh, she never gets up till dark.

She says the sun is bad for her skin.

I can't argue with the results.

Besides, she was out late last night.

She said she met Mr. wonderful and fell in love.

She wouldn't tell me who he was.

Did you hear that, Mr. Wonderful.

I heard.

I heard.

So Gail, what kind of stuff does your sister like?

Well, you know, the usual things.

Fashion magazines, comic books, expensive perfume, bubblegum.

As a matter of fact, if I give her bubble gum,

I can get her to do anything I want.

Oh really?

I hope you guys will excuse me.

I can hear bazooka Joe calling.

Hey, you.

How come the disappearing act?

Oh with some great looking unattached ladies on board,

I figured you might want to give one of them a break.

I'm not interested in any other ladies in this group.

I happen to find you bright, talented,

totally unpredictable, and thoroughly delightful.

Now, you know you don't have to say that to get

me back to your cabin.

All you have to do is ask.

How would you like to spend a very romantic day in acapulco

with a handsome escort?

I'd love to.

Who's the guy?

[Music playing]

Pa: Welcome to acapulco, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm sorry about the weather.

I hear there's one low cloud in the sky.

Just a touch of "Princess" humor there.

Enjoy your day on the Mexican riviera.

We sail at 9:00.

Mr. Winters?

Oh, Mr. Winters.

I'm glad I caught you.

This cablegram just came through.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hey, down there.

Turn around.

The "Cosmopolitan magazine" says when using a staircase,

descend it slowly, like a vision of loveliness.

How am I doing?

You are exactly that.

Ok, just one thing.

Tell me when I reach the bottom.

I don't know what's a good way to tell you this, mikki.

Uh-oh, when it starts like that, there is no good way.

Ok, give it to me straight.

I'm not going to be able to go into town with you.

I'm taking a cab directly to the airport.

Why?

What happened?

You see, I'm married.

That's straight, right between the eyeballs.

I owe you an explanation.

Oh, hey.

You don't owe me anything.

Don't worry about it.

Look, I took this cruise looking for a shipboard romance

and I found one.

So it didn't exactly last the whole trip.

Things haven't been working well for my wife and me, mikki,

but the fact that she's flying to acapulco

must mean she's had a change of heart.

I've got five years of my life invested in this marriage.

So then go protect your investment.

Hey, look.

This kid got herself all gorgeoused up

and nothing is going to stop her from doing up the town.

I'm really sorry, mikki.

Oh, forget it.

Hey, acapulco, here I come.

[Knocking on door]

Wake up, sleeping beauty.

It's your knight in shining armor.

What is all that stuff in front of Gail's cabin?

Paul, look at this.

"You're the sweetest and sexist girl in the ship.

So you'll think of me till we're together again.

Love, gopher."

Paul, what are we going to do?

You mean before or after I kill that pervert?

[Music playing]

All right, double sixes again.

I don't believe it.

You get more doubles than Pete Rose.

Excuse me.

Have either of you seen gopher anywhere?

No, but if I were a betting man,

I'd lay it 2:1 he's with the gerber girl again.

Then it's true.

What is?

That he's been dating young Gail gerber.

I just left her parents.

They're ready to kill him.

You mean Lillian gerber, don't you?

Lillian?

Who's Lillian?

Well, that's Gail's older sister.

Gopher has been dating her.

Oh, so that explains it.

This letter was intended for Lillian.

Her parents think it was for Gail.

Thank you, Adam.

Thank you, Vicki.

Doc, do you think that--

never mind, it's silly.

What's silly?

Well, you know, a lot of kids my age today are modeling.

And with a lot of makeup and a new, different, more

sophisticated hairstyle, 15-year-olds, or even younger,

can turn out to look 22.

You don't think--

well, have you ever seen Gail and Lillian in the same place

at the same time.

No.

Come on, let's see if there's a Lillian

gerber on the passenger list.

If there isn't, we better find gopher and tell him.

Right, before he's on the man overboard list.

How did it go this afternoon, Mr. Winters?

I got ditched again, Isaac.

You seem to be on a streak.

Well, at least this time, it wasn't your wife.

Yes, it was.

Turns out she had to fly to acapulco on business,

so she asked me to meet her at the airport

so we could have a talk about getting a divorce.

Ouch, that hurts.

Guess she figured she'd mix business with pleasure.

Have you told mikki?

I can't face her.

You're right.

If you never see her again for the rest of your life, at least

you won't be embarrassed.

You don't understand.

The reason that lady is so hard on herself

is because she's been hurt by a lot of people.

Right now, my name's probably at the top of the list.

She must think I'm a real creep.

You know something?

I think I agree with her.

Maybe being too hard on yourself is something you two

have in common.

I'll get you a double Martini.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Gerber, I've been looking for you.

I have good news for you.

The sex fiend's in jail.

Oh, no, no.

It was all a mistake.

Gopher left everything at the wrong cabin.

Well, that is good news.

Yes.

It was all intended for your older daughter.

But captain, we only have one daughter.

Uh, gopher, I have to talk to you.

Doc, your sense of timing leaves

a great deal to be desired.

I'm sorry.

This will only take a minute.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Congratulations, Lillian.

This is your night.

My night.

Sure.

Everybody knows what happens on a second date

with gopher Smith.

What happens?

What do you think?

I mean, scented candles in his cabin,

red light bulbs in all the lamps.

I bet he's got those champagne cocktails already made.

You sure are lucky.

This will be a night you'll never forget.

Gail, I think you and I better have a little talk.

Don't come near me.

I'm only 14 years old, gopher Smith, and if you touch me,

I'm going to tell my mommy and daddy.

And really, I'm not even 14 yet.

I'm 13 and 3/4.

Wait a minute.

You called me Gail.

You know?

Oh, there they are, captain.

Daddy.

Oh, darling.

Gail.

Gail, what are you doing all dressed up like that?

Just look at your hair, and all that makeup.

I suppose this was your idea, you--

no, no, daddy.

It's not his fault. I was just dressing up like a grown

up to have some fun.

Mr. Gerber, I had no idea.

Young lady, I mean, little girl,

I think it's time we had a nice, long talk.

Well it was just pretend.

Fine.

When we get to the cabin, I'm going

to give you a pretend spanking.

I can't believe it.

She's younger than I am.

Don't you get any ideas.

[Ship horn]

Pa: We hope you enjoyed your day at port,

but there's plenty of night ahead of you.

We'll all be in acapulco lounge.

Why don't you come join us?

Larry?

Hi.

She dumped you, huh?

Isaac told you?

He didn't have to.

Two months ago, "Cosmopolitan magazine"

ran a quiz called how to know when you've been dumped.

I passed with flying colors.

Believe me, I'm an expert on the subject.

It hurts, doesn't it?

That it does.

I know.

But you'll get over it.

I do.

And then you go on the search for what

"Cosmopolitan" calls the Mr. That's

a meaningful relationship.

And they're tough to find.

You know why?

Because meaningful relationships take time, and time's something

that nobody has very much of these days.

Right now, you're looking at a man

with all the time in the world.

Was that a rebound kiss or a mean it kiss?

I retract the question, counselor.

[Laughs]

Well, would anyone care for another drink

before the show starts?

Why don't we get out of here?

No, dear.

We're guests.

We can't just leave.

I'm really looking forward to seeing this show.

Me, too.

Matt Heller's the greatest.

[Applause]

[Drumroll]

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

Tonight, the acapulco lounge is proud to present one of

our most talented entertainers.

Would you please welcome a favorite of all of ours,

Mr. Matt Heller.

[Applauses]

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

I have some great news today.

I've been up for a dramatic role in a play that

opens on Broadway next season and I just found out today

I got the part.

[Applause]

Can you believe it?

Matt Heller in a dramatic role, no singing,

no dancing, no jokes.

Well tonight, I thought i'd do a scene from the play,

and I think I can prove to everyone, once and for all,

that although I may be a mediocre comic, as an actor,

I'm really bad.

I can really use an assistant, a volunteer.

Can I have a girl in her 20s, pretty girl.

Gee, there's so many to choose from, but you're perfect.

You're just-- come on, folks.

Put your hands together and let's get

this little girl to volunteer.

Come on.

Right up here.

Don't be nervous.

Good, good.

Now, don't you be scared.

You just sit right there.

No magic here, I'm not going to cut you in half or anything.

You just sit there and look pretty.

The play is about a father who deserts his daughter

when she's very young.

Nearly 20 years later, they meet accidentally again,

and she won't have anything to do with him.

She writes him a letter, pouring out her heart.

And this is the final scene in the play,

where he confronts her.

I got your letter.

I never realized there could be that much hatred in a person.

Didn't come here to try and change your mind about me.

You've had this hurt inside of you too long for me to do that.

When you were a little girl, it seemed that you were just one

big bunch of questions, and I was the one you

always came to for the answers.

Now, you're all grown up, beautiful and wise,

and you seem to have all the answers.

But it's strange, isn't it?

Now I'm the one with the questions.

Do I tell you why I really left?

Would you understand?

The most important question of all,

am I too late with the answers?

I hope not.

When your mother first told me she was pregnant,

I asked her to marry me.

I knew she didn't love me, not the way I loved her,

but it didn't matter to me.

It mattered even less that I wasn't the father.

So we married.

When you were born, I felt as if all

the joy and happiness in the world

was suddenly poured into my heart.

I became such a bore with my pictures

and stories of my little girl.

And one day, your mother came to me and we talked.

We talked a long time.

I never, never wanted to leave you and your mother.

It was her idea.

I don't remember all the reasons she gave, but in a few days,

I left.

You were asleep the night I went away.

So I never really got a chance to say good bye.

That's why I'm here now.

I don't want to leave you again, not without saying good bye.

So good bye, my love.

I love you now even more than I loved you then.

[Applause]

Beth, darling.

Why, mother?

Why?

I-- I didn't want you to know that I wasn't married

when you were conceived.

And your real father was a man you never met,

a man I hardly knew myself.

I didn't want you to think that I was a lesser person.

Oh, I could never think of you like that.

To me, you'll always be beautiful, inside and out.

It just seemed the right thing to do at the time,

but so foolish.

I've been the foolish one.

I've been so cruel to Matt.

Did he really love me as much as he said?

Yes.

To him, you were his daughter.

I've never known anyone with the capacity to love like that.

I think that's what frightened me.

He loved so completely.

I guess we've both been foolish.

Beth, i--

daddy.

She called me daddy.

[Music playing]

Oh, Mr. Winters.

What a difference a day made.

Yeah, right, Isaac.

Only in this case, it was a night.

What would your magazine say about him.

Q and d, quality and distinction?

I don't care what they say.

I think he's fancy, cute, and cuddly.

We'll see you later.

Bye bye.

So long.

Thanks for sailing with us.

Good bye.

Oh, that was some performance last night, Matt.

Yeah well, thanks, doc.

And thank you, captain, for supplying

just the right audience.

Beth and I should be doing the thank you, captain.

Absolutely.

Well, I'm just glad the show turned

out so well for all of you.

We liked the show so much we decided to take

the star home with us for good.

Well, that's a curtain line if I ever heard one.

Good bye.

Bye bye.

Captain, I've had a long talk with Gail

and she won't be pulling any stunts like that anymore.

I'm sorry for causing you any trouble.

No problem.

And Vicki, thanks so much for being

such a good friend to Gail.

No problem.

And gopher, i--

no problem.

Come on, dear.

Good bye, everybody.

Bye bye.

Now that's a problem.

[Music playing]