Original subtitles

New York City.

Population: 100.

A land full of CEOs, VIPs and STIs.

And with that many people,

there's bound to be a few great stories.

Like this one.

Our story begins like all great stories,

with two straight men.

Oh, fuck, I am good.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

This is Craig Tiddle.

And this is Trevor Brock.

They're twins. Identical twins.

Fuck you! They are.

And how do I know all of this?

Because I'm God.

That's right. God.

He/him. The greatest storyteller of all time.

Check the sales of my book.

Number-one bestseller in the world.

They're highly successful alpha males.

Virile. Strong.

And oh-so-very manly.

Fuck yeah.

Wow, those twins really have it all.

Oh! Good morning!

Or do they?

Craig and Trevor don't know they're twins.

They were separated at birth and have never met.

But that all changes today.

Oh, Craig, I think you dropped your mug.

Keep it, old lady. I got a lot of mugs.

I got a lot of everything.

Wow, your life seems perfect.

Trust me, my smelly friend, it is.

♪ I got a mansion in the Hamptons ♪

♪ I got a bungalow upstate ♪

♪ I got a penthouse just for fucking ♪

♪ And another where I masturbate ♪

♪ Pow ♪

♪ The money just keeps rolling in ♪

♪ The good times never stop ♪

♪ There's never been a man like me ♪

♪ And I'll always be on top ♪

Package for Trevor Brock.

Fuck this tiny thing.

I already got the biggest package in town.

♪ My cock is fucking massive ♪

♪ It always leaves the ladies sore ♪

♪ Seven inches long Curves to the left ♪

♪ Then it goes ten inches more ♪

-♪ Ooh! ♪ -♪ I got girls and cash ♪

♪ Cars and booze ♪

♪ I'm the cream of the fucking crop ♪

♪ There's never been a man like me ♪

♪ And I'll always be on top ♪

Thanks, doll.

Mm-mm.

Oop.

You have a good day.

Huh?

Whoa.

-You're welcome. -You're welcome.

♪ I'm the best ♪

♪ So fucking blessed ♪

♪ Sexy, smart It's just not fair ♪

♪ I slay pussy everywhere ♪

♪ I get what I want ♪

♪ And what I got I flaunt ♪

♪ And though some people find it strange ♪

♪ No one's gonna make me change ♪

Oh, my God.

Sorry, you just...

You really look like me.

I think you mean that you look like me.

-Craig Tiddle. -Trevor Brock.

-Whoa. -Whoa.

I think I got some lube on you.

Hey, no worries. I'll save that for later.

Say, where do you work?

GVPI. It's my first day at the new corporate headquarters.

Hot damn! Me, too.

You must be from the downtown office?

That I am. Take it you're from the uptown branch?

-My reputation precedes me. -Nope. Never heard of you.

Actually, I'm the one who's never heard of you, so...

Well, you should've heard of me,

because I'm the number-one salesman

this company's got.

Hate to break it to you, buddy,

but last time I checked, I was number one.

Craig Tiddle's always on top.

You might be on top of a sex offenders registry,

but I've always been the best salesman.

Fuck you, pal. I've had a record month.

While you were in bed milking your morning wood,

I've been pounding the pavement making sales.

If you think I can't make sales

and jerk off at the same time,

you got another thing coming because...

♪ I always get the things I want ♪

♪ There's no way I can flop ♪

♪ There's never been a man like me ♪

♪ And I'll always be I'll always be ♪

♪ I'll always be on top ♪

♪ Global Vroomba Parts ♪

♪ No, we don't sell Vroombas ♪

♪ Just the parts Like the gears ♪

♪ And the wheels and those teeny tiny brushes ♪

Listen to me, you piece of shit.

The sooner you make me money,

the sooner you can afford health insurance.

Health care is a luxury.

This is... gorgeous.

Beautiful. A beautiful space.

Craig Tiddle, Trevor Brock.

My two top salesmen.

Oh, um, actually, I'm Trevor.

Yeah, and I'm Craig.

Oh, okay, well...

You two motherfuckers look like y'all could be twins.

-Mm, I don't see it. -I think we actually

-look very dissimilar. -Yeah.

I guess it's just, uh, uh,

some shit that I really don't care about.

I'm your new boss, Gloria Masters.

Wow, a-a lady boss.

I guess it really is the year that it is.

-I'm crazy about that. -Yes, the year of the pussy.

Exactly. So, boss, we were wondering,

which one of us is top salesman

and which one is a dumb little baby?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

As you can see right here, I have installed a leaderboard

that tracks y'all's sales.

Plug 'er in, fellas.

-Yes! Yes! -Oh, no.

Trevor Brock, my prize pig.

But the rest of you motherfuckers?

Get to work.

Hey, tough titty, Tiddle.

Hey, but chin up, maybe you could be my assistant.

All my assistants suck my dick.

What in God's green hell?

Mark me down for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears

and 3,000 of those teeny tiny brushes.

That's a big sale.

Let this be a lesson to you.

Use people, like pawns on a checkerboard.

Son of a fucking bitch.

That's right. Back where I belong.

For now. I'll admit, you're good.

It's gonna be fun to crush you.

Right back at you.

-May the best man... -Win.

Win. I was gonna say that.

♪ Craig Tiddle's fucking awesome ♪

♪ Trevor Brock is off the charts ♪

♪ They talk a lot about their dicks ♪

♪ And they sell fucking Vroomba parts ♪

♪ You won't ever take me down ♪

♪ I'll work until I drop ♪

♪ There's never been a man like me ♪

♪ And I'll always be on top ♪

♪ 15,000 gears ♪

-♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Craig Tiddle ♪

-♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Number one ♪

♪ 20,000 wheels ♪

-♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Trevor Brock ♪

-♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Is getting it done ♪

♪ 30,000 gears ♪

♪ Craig Tiddle You're the best ♪

♪ 40,000 wheels ♪

♪ Trevor Brock Sign my chest ♪

I love fucking money!

♪ Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? ♪

♪ Who's it gonna be?

♪ Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? ♪

100,000 teeny tiny brushes!

♪ Look around ♪

♪ It's plain to see ♪

♪ There's never been a man like me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the fucking ♪

♪ Top... ♪

Whew.

Still at it, shrimp?

Work hard, stay hard.

Never been tied for first before.

I'm used to being the total top.

Oh, yeah, I'm gunning for your ass, little boy.

That's why I'm here late.

-Grinding. -Same.

Definitely not because I have nowhere to go

and no one to see.

Oh, I got a vast network of meaningful relationships,

for sure, but no time for those now.

I got to put in the hours so I can stay ahead of you, Craig.

-Trevor. -Huh?

You just called me Craig. You're Craig. I'm Trevor.

God, you're such an idiot, Trevor.

No, I'm Craig.

-You're Trevor, Trevor. -Damn it, we look alike.

We do not. You have long hair like a girl.

You have short hair like a lesbian girl.

This haircut is classic Trevor.

Fuck. Classic Cr... Fuck you!

No, fuck you.

-You don't get me. -You don't get me, either.

No one does.

♪ I'm in this struggle all alone ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I wish there was someone who knew ♪

♪ What I am going through ♪

♪ This feeling that I'm feeling ♪

♪ It feels so very bad ♪

♪ It's almost like my life's a lie ♪

♪ And actually I'm sad ♪

♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪

♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪

♪ A man with my specific life ♪

♪ Saying these specific words ♪

♪ The only one who understands ♪

♪ Is me ♪

Say, is this your family?

What? No. But I definitely have a real family.

And they're rich and smart and kind and real.

Oh, me, too. I got a birth mommy and a birth daddy,

same as everybody else.

♪ Growing up with just a mom ♪

♪ It left a gaping hole ♪

♪ My single dad He did his best ♪

♪ But life She took her toll ♪

♪ With Pops I could have fished for fish ♪

♪ My fastball we'd perfect ♪

♪ With Mom I could have learned to bake ♪

♪ Or show women respect ♪

♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪

♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪

♪ A man with my specific life ♪

♪ Saying these specific words ♪

♪ The only one who understands ♪

♪ Is me ♪

♪ If you think I've had it easy ♪

♪ Then you're wrong ♪

♪ The road's been fucking hard ♪

♪ And fucking long ♪

♪ Everything I ever got ♪

♪ I got all on my own ♪

♪ I rose up from the ashes ♪

♪ Of my single-parent home ♪

♪ 'Cause I've always been a fighter ♪

♪ Since the day that I was born ♪

♪ On January 3rd, 1986 ♪

-♪ At 5:08 a.m. ♪ -♪ At 5:07 a.m. ♪

Wait, what the fuck, dude?

Yeah, there are a lot of similarities happening here.

-What is that? -This?

Oh, the only thing I have

from the dad I never knew is...

Half of a locket.

This is the only thing I have from my mom.

I've never understood mine. It just says "our bo."

I think it must be an ancient Indigenous saying.

Mine only says "toys."

Huh. But what if...?

"Our two boys."

Oh, my God. Does this mean...

Hold on, sorry, you thought that said "toys"?

Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys.

No, there's not a "W" in toys.

Damn it all to fuck, Craig!

Who cares about letters right now?

You only have a dad. I only have a mom.

We were born on the same day, almost down to the minute.

We must be brothers.

Not just brothers, Trevor.

Twins.

Wow, we're twins.

We're fucking identical twins.

♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪

♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪

♪ A man who thought he was alone ♪

♪ But then found out he had a twin ♪

♪ Who works at the same fucking job ♪

♪ What a big coincidence ♪

♪ The only one who understands ♪

♪ Is we ♪

♪ Is we ♪

♪ Is we ♪

Gears. Wheels.

Teeny tiny brush... Wow.

L, M, N, O...

P.

-Hey. -Hey.

This is crazy, right?

Totally crazy. I mean...

What are the odds of working with your long-lost twin?

I don't know, one in four, three in four?

-It's crazy. -Crazy.

But wait.

I can't believe Mom and Dad split us up.

Like, is that abuse?

Did they abuse us?

We definitely experienced abuse-ment.

-Oh, my God. -I mean, don't get me wrong.

My life is awesome.

No, no, no, no, m-m-mine is awesome, too.

-I have an amazing job. -Amazing job.

I'm always dating some big-tit lady.

Stunning big-tit ladies.

I always get the things I want.

Except for a real family.

Single-parent homes are not real families.

That's true.

Hmm.

What do we do?

You know, if Mom and Dad got married again,

then we'd have a real family.

What if...

What if we tricked them into getting back together?

Keep talking until I understand.

We trick Mom and Dad into thinking

they need to get married again.

Oh, my God, yes.

I'll go talk to Dad now and trick him

into getting back together with Mom.

Well, uh, no offense,

-but you'd probably fuck it up. -Oh.

I should be the one to trick Dad.

But you've never met him.

Baby, I'm the number-one salesman.

I could trick anybody.

Okay, hold up, I'm the number-one salesman.

If anybody's gonna trick a parent

they've never met, it's gonna be me.

While you're tricking Dad, I'll trick Mom.

And I'll do it better.

All right, then. It's settled.

We're switching places to trick the parent we never knew

into getting married again.

-Fine. Fine. -Fine.

Which means we're going to need...

Disguises!

Wow, you look so good, King.

You, too, King.

I mean, obviously, I would've preferred a lace front,

but sometimes a shake and go can get the job done.

-Right. -So, what's Mom like?

At the very least, I hope she fulfills

every single expectation I have of her.

-That's reasonable. -Just, like, an awesome,

conventional, elegant mommy.

God, if she's, like, a kooky old eccentric lady,

I don't know what the fuck I'll do.

Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's change the subject entirely.

-Huh? -Tell me about Dad.

Oh, our dad?

-Yeah, our dad. -Um...

Is he a big, strong macho guy like me?

I hope he's a big macho guy like me!

Yeah, listen, I would obviously love to talk

about that, but look, oh, God, it's Mom's house.

So I got to go right now.

Oh, God!

Okay, bye-bye.

Drive, you piece of shit!

Okay, Craig, you got this.

Shit! Fuck! Damn! No!

You're Trevor now, all right?

And Trevor is gonna knock on the door.

Hello?

Mom?

Why, Trevor,

what a nice surprise.

Mom!

That's right, it's me.

-Good old Mom. -Right.

And I'm... Trevor.

-Yes, you are. -So...

Mom, you're in a wheelchair now?

Well, Trevor, I've been in this wheelchair since January.

Yes, and I haven't been here since then, so...

January of 1979.

Cool, so I do know this.

Darling, what's the matter? You're not acting yourself.

And what's with that hair?

I don't remember it being this fake and shitty looking.

It's a wig. Dah!

I mean, um, I'm growing it out for a wig.

Yeah, Locks for Love.

-Oh. -I'm gonna give some bald,

barren women a second chance.

Well, I was just about to have some tea.

Won't you join me?

Mom, it's really good to see you.

Really actually good.

Well, it is really good to see you, too, dear,

always, my darling boy.

My only darling boy.

The only boy I ever had.

-Sure, yeah. -Yes.

The only boy that ever came

rocketing out of my vagina.

Okay.

I would've probably had another one

just like you, but I didn't.

-The more you... -I had a vasectomy.

One second after you was born,

-Wow. -I had a vasectomy.

They snipped it.

So, Mom...

It's been a minute, what have you been up to?

Oh, my gosh, Trevor!

Well, you know me.

I do.

And all the things I get up to.

Any specifics about it, though, would be appreciated.

Tell me it as if I didn't know,

-even though of course I do. -Ah, this morning,

Patricia and I watched a film from the Criterion Collection.

-You know Patricia, of course. -If you say so.

Mom, you seem so cultured.

Well, I'm glad you're finally recognizing that.

Yeah, me, too, it's time that someone fina...

Uh, that's sand.

Oh, my God.

I switched the tea and the sand again.

Again?

I'm going fast.

I make my own sand, you know.

-Do you? -Yes, I do.

Out of what?

Out of sand.

Here you go, darling.

-Thank you. -Oh, my gosh,

wait a minute, not so fast.

That'll be your reward.

Before you go, I need you to grab

something down for me, please?

-Yeah, fucking sure. Um... -Yes, yes.

It's that one right there.

-This one? -Nope, that one.

-So this one? -No, that one.

-Okay, then this one? -No, darling, that one.

-Here? -Darling?

Let's calm down, look at me.

-Do you see my finger? -I do.

-This is called pointing. -Yeah.

If you draw a little dotted line

from the tip of my finger and you go poop, boop, boop.

Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop right to here.

-This is the one? -No!

-Here? -Let me, okay, let me...

I need to calm down.

Could you describe it?

Darling, I'm not going to spoil you.

How about a single adjective of-of any of these?

Not over there. Look, this is like this.

-Here again. -Not that one.

-Is it this one? -Yeah!

Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it.

I could think of words you could've used.

Ooh, well, that was quite an ordeal.

-Yeah, I'll say. -Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, please.

That's Jerome. He's easily aroused.

Don't get him anywhere near me.

You have sex with this?

Darling, of course.

Look at him, how could I possibly resist?

-He? It's a he? -He's a they.

Oh, God, well, I-- Now that I know that you

fuck this little gay boot, I'd love to put it somewhere.

I think you should put him right down there

next to Patricia, she can handle it.

This is Patricia, who you saw the movie with?

Darling, of course. You know Patricia.

And I would ask you to unhand her!

Okay, Mommy, you know what?

I think maybe you need to get out of the house a little bit.

Darling, why would I leave the house?

I have everything I need right here.

Yeah, sure.

I lead a charmed life, Trevor.

Don't you understand?

♪ My life's been quite the wild ride ♪

♪ Intrigue, thrills ♪

♪ Romance ♪

♪ I may have reached my twilight years ♪

♪ But it's all still song and dance ♪

♪ Seasons come ♪

♪ And seasons go ♪

♪ My years keep flying by ♪

♪ And now I sit here in my house until the day I die ♪

Trevor, I'm an independent woman.

I do what I want when I want with whom I want.

-I am very confused. -I'm afraid

you simply don't understand

what a gas it is when you get to be my age.

♪ I'm 93 ♪

♪ No, 94 ♪

That can't be right.

♪ Just wait, there's more ♪

♪ My back is broke My tits, they sag ♪

♪ I have to pee into a bag ♪

♪ I have three toes My eyes are coins ♪

♪ A mouse named Pip lives in my loins ♪

♪ I smell like milk Well, more like cheese ♪

♪ My nipples wink I never sneeze ♪

♪ I cannot remember the year I was born ♪

♪ I sculpt all my friends out of clay ♪

♪ I've seen every movie And most of them thrice ♪

♪ For breakfast I only eat hay ♪

Well, this has been fun, but I got to be

anywhere but here.

♪ I keep all my ice cubes inside of my purse ♪

♪ I have a whole room full of geese ♪

♪ I only read backwards I never use spoons ♪

♪ My mother is also my niece ♪

♪ My organs are cotton I cry melted butter ♪

♪ I have no reflection I bathe in asbestos ♪

♪ The world is a riddle I might be the devil ♪

♪ My pussy fell off once in Greece, hey! ♪

Who saw that coming?

I did.

Craig.

My favorite son.

My only son.

-What a surprise. -Yeah.

I thought I'd swing by.

Oh.

A hug.

Well, this is new.

Uh...

Don't forget to let go.

Otherwise, we're just wrasslin'.

Wow.

Swanky digs, Dad.

-Oh, hush. -No, I mean it.

This place is so nice and clean and chic and...

God, I wish I'd grown up here.

What are talking about, Craig? You did grow up here.

And I wish I could grow up here again.

-Shame how time works. -Yeah.

It really sucks. Care for a mimosa?

Oh.

Don't judge, but I've already had one...

pitcher.

Come on.

Just kidding.

But I do drink every morning.

-Sure. -Cheers.

Mmm.

Craig, I'm glad you're here actually.

Same, Dad. What do you want to do first?

Play catch in the yard? Not talk about our feelings?

Funny you should mention feelings.

Uh...

Wow.

Okay.

I've been meaning to tell you for some time.

There's no easy way to say this, but...

-But... -But what?

I'm gay.

Wait, wait, uh, this is something that I,

Craig, didn't know about until just now?

That's correct.

Um, okay, great, then I can freely say,

what the fuck, Dad, you're gay?

Well, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm,

but yes, Craig, I'm gay.

Queer as a three-dollar bill and just as thin.

-Well, let's not go c-- -Shh. Daddy's talking.

-Mm-hmm. -Honestly,

the signs have been there for ages.

I'm only now realizing it.

I am and have always been a normal homosexual man

who does all the normal things normal homosexual men do.

-Like what? -Well, I'll tell you.

♪ I wake up, drink my coffee ♪

♪ Have brunch around 11:00 ♪

♪ Walk my bichon frise ♪

♪ Then nap till half past 7:00 ♪

♪ A night out at the symphony ♪

♪ Such elegance, what poise ♪

♪ Or maybe I'll just stay at home ♪

♪ With my two Sewer Boys ♪

What?

♪ The answer is perfectly clear ♪

♪ It's a gay old life being queer ♪

I'm so sorry, did you say "Sewer Boys"?

Oh, come on, Craig. You know my Sewer Boys.

No!

No! No!

No! No! No!

Christ on a crutch, Craig.

Are you all right?

You sounded like Maria Callas on a rough matinee.

What the fuck are those things?

My Sewer Boys.

Pale little inbred creatures,

live underground.

Only communicate in clicks and whistles.

I-I'm very confused.

You do seem a bit off, dear.

And what's with your hair?

I don't remember it being this fake or shitty looking.

Oh, God, who cares about wigs right now?

Those things are disgusting.

They're not disgusting, they're gay culture.

Gay culture? Well, they don't seem gay.

They seem dangerous.

Well, I appreciate your concern, but...

♪ There's nothing dangerous about vacationing in Spain ♪

♪ That is until you've thrown ♪

♪ Half of your savings down the drain ♪

♪ But money should be spent on things ♪

♪ Both lovely and refined ♪

♪ The Sewer Boys drink blood for fun ♪

♪ And also read my mind ♪

♪ Don't get in a tizzy My dear ♪

♪ It's a gay old life ♪

♪ Being queer ♪

What do you mean, they read your mind?

Uh-oh, someone's hungry.

Oh, God.

Ah.

They'll do anything for a little deli meat.

No, I hate this.

What are you doing?

-Oh. -All right, it's your turn.

Oh, there's got to be a different way to feed them.

No!

All right, all right.

Hey, let's brainstorm some ideas together, Papa.

Maybe a bowl.

Have you thought about a fucking bowl?

Nope, this is how we've always done it.

Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys,

Backpack and Whisper.

Those are their names?

Watch your talons.

Talons.

-Want some ham? -No, I don't want any ham!

I feel like I'm in a fucking nightmare!

Oh, I understand, son.

Coming out can be just as hard on the family.

But it's a journey we'll go on together.

I'm not talking about coming out.

I'm talking about the fucking monsters.

Oh, shh! Don't say that in front of them.

You'll hurt their feelings.

Their feelings? They feel?

What are they? Explain them to me!

Well, it's a long story.

Very well.

Oh, yeah. Get a hat.

♪ Many decades ago ♪

♪ I was down in the sewer ♪

-Why? -Shh, Daddy's singing.

♪ Rowing my boat through the slime and manure ♪

How did you get a boat into the sewer?

You want to hear the story or not?

♪ Collecting adventures and treasures galore ♪

♪ But I couldn't guess what fate had in store ♪

♪ I rounded a bend and what did I see? ♪

♪ Two creatures so bloody So foul, so carefree ♪

♪ They were taking a bath in the corpse of a swine ♪

♪ And that's when I knew ♪

♪ They had to be mine ♪

♪ I tried to entice them ♪

♪ But they were too quick ♪

♪ Tried to rip out my trachea ♪

♪ Bite off my dick ♪

♪ With a club I subdued them ♪

♪ And made to depart ♪

♪ And I stole the two creatures ♪

♪ Who'd stolen my heart ♪

Jesus.

♪ My boy There's no reason to jeer ♪

♪ It's a gay old life ♪

♪ Being ♪

♪ Queer... ♪

♪ I bathe in bleach ♪

♪ There's skiing up in Aspen ♪

-♪ I play the horn ♪ -♪ And sailing of West Palm ♪

♪ One time I died ♪

♪ The snow is fine as powder ♪

-♪ I suck on corn ♪ -♪ The waves are always calm ♪

-♪ I poison fruit ♪ -♪ But no matter where I am ♪

-♪ I kissed a chair ♪ -♪ There is no way ♪

♪ I can resist the urge to climb ♪

-♪ I juggle for exercise ♪ -♪ Below the streets ♪

-♪ Never use alphabet ♪ -♪ And smell ♪

-♪ And a tornado's my friend ♪ -♪ That stinky mist ♪

♪ The answer is ♪

♪ Perfectly clear ♪

♪ It's a gay old life ♪

♪ Being queer ♪

♪ I have no pussy ♪

Those foolish boys.

What, oh, what will they do?

Craig Tiddle's phone, Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah!

Why didn't you tell me Dad was a gay man

obsessed with Sewer Boys?

Because I was ashamed.

You don't know what it's like to feed Boar's Head ham

to those slimy little demons your whole life.

Why didn't you tell me Mom's pussy fell off?

You weren't there. It was really disturbing.

Well, I'm sure it was, but not knowing really--

No, Craig. It was awful.

It crawled away like a fucking cockroach.

Mom was screaming at me,

"Kill it! Kill it!"

I raised my flip-flop to deal the death blow,

and it stared me straight in the eyes.

It had eyes now.

"Dream of this," the pussy said to me.

"Dream of this every night."

And I do, Craig.

I do.

Well, our parents are fucking freaks,

and there's nothing we can do about it.

What do you mean?

I mean that I thought our plan

was going to be easy, and it was not.

But I still want to be brothers, no homo.

Want to be brothers, no homo, too.

Well, then we have to do this.

But our parents are completely incompatible.

Mom has no pussy.

Dad is a gay.

I want this to work, okay? But it just feels...

impossible.

Anything's possible if you force it to be.

-But-- -Shh.

♪ When I was picking colleges ♪

♪ My sights were set on Brown ♪

♪ But my scores were all so miserable ♪

♪ That they just turned me down ♪

♪ So I went and saw the chancellor ♪

♪ To make him think again ♪

♪ And when he still refused ♪

♪ I roofied him And then he let me in ♪

♪ You can't give up ♪

♪ When people tell you no ♪

♪ You can't give up ♪

♪ If you want it, make it so ♪

♪ Life's a game of poker ♪

♪ And I only play to win ♪

♪ So if someone says don't do a thing ♪

♪ Just do that thing again ♪

♪ Last year I found a condo ♪

♪ So high up in the sky ♪

♪ But the grandmother who lived there ♪

♪ She wouldn't let me buy ♪

♪ So I framed her ass for larceny ♪

♪ And now she rots in jail ♪

♪ Then I roofied a whole bar ♪

♪ And we all killed ♪

♪ A humpback whale ♪

♪ You can't give up ♪

♪ When people tell you no ♪

♪ You can't give up ♪

♪ If you want it, make it so ♪

♪ Life's a game of Boggle ♪

♪ And I only play to win ♪

♪ So if someone says don't do a thing ♪

-♪ Just do that thing ♪ -♪ And do that thing ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ The losers are all thinking ♪

♪ There's some secret to success ♪

♪ And they also think that "no" means "no" ♪

♪ But really "No" means "yes" ♪

♪ "No" means "yes" ♪

♪ You can't give up ♪

♪ When people tell you no ♪

♪ You can't give up ♪

♪ If you want it, make it so ♪

♪ Life's a fucking hand job ♪

♪ And I only play to win ♪

♪ So stroke my fucking cock ♪

♪ Until I blast all on your chin ♪

♪ Then take that cum and lube me up ♪

♪ Until I come again ♪

♪ And if someone says don't do a thing ♪

♪ Just do that thing and do that thing ♪

♪ And do that thing ♪

♪ And do that thing... ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ Do that thing again ♪

Ah. Should I open another bottle?

I know it's our second,

but we're not Baptists.

Are you sure that thing's secure?

Hardly.

They've gotten out so many times,

animal control made me tag them.

Have you ever thought about putting them down?

Good grief, I'd sooner put down my wine.

Though I admit, they're a handful.

I haven't had a vacation in years,

and you know how I love jet lag.

Let's talk about what I want to talk about.

Like Mom, for example. If she's real or whatever.

How did you two meet?

Oh! It's a funny story.

We met in a graveyard.

I was trying to find a kidney.

They sell like hotcakes on the black market.

-You were graverobbing. -Why, Trevor,

you know that was my job before the war.

And after. Yahtzee.

We're doing a puzzle.

Puzzle.

There was your mother, up to her neck

in freshly-tilled dirt.

When I called out to her, she pulled a gun on me.

Thought I was a cop.

Graverobbing was illegal in those days.

It's still illegal.

Well, don't tell the police

or they'll make me return half my wardrobe.

All this talk about Dad. What is it, Father's Day?

You know, the more you yammer on about Dad,

it makes me think you miss him.

Like you want to see him again.

-See your mother? -Why not?

You said so yourself, you're fucking monster children...

Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys!

Whatever!

Your Sewer Boys take up so much of your time.

When's the last time you went out

and had a little fun?

A little daddy time?

The last time I went out...

I know the Nazis were still a thing.

God, whatever happened to them?

See, this is what I mean.

You should leave the house now and then.

Hit the town, look at a current globe,

see Dad.

I don't know about seeing your mother,

but... you're right.

A little company could be nice.

Well, how about you and me go to dinner?

Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.?

Tomorrow night?

Let's just have drinks here instead, eh?

Or, or... we could go somewhere better.

The kind of place where you could fall in love again.

A place like

La Chateaux.

The most romantic restaurant in all of New York?

Odd place to go with your son.

Well, I already made a reservation,

so enjoy your empty evening full of nothing

but the silence of your own thoughts.

And I loved that idea you had about dinner at La Chateaux.

Wait a minute, wasn't that your idea?

Yup, that's right, a dinner that's definitely your idea,

and definitely with me.

Bye, Mommy.

Well, we'll see.

I mean, uh, it was lovely of you to come over, though.

I hope you'll come back...

soon.

Come back soon.

♪ The phone, it never rings ♪

♪ The door, it never knocks ♪

♪ I sit here with my bric-a-brac ♪

♪ Oh, my tchotchkes ♪

♪ And my clocks ♪

♪ I don't think it's a problem ♪

♪ That I hate to go outside ♪

♪ Though I worry ♪

♪ It'll take them weeks ♪

♪ To find my body ♪

♪ Once I've died ♪

♪ I'm lonely ♪

♪ I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely, I'm lonely ♪

♪ I'm lonely ♪

♪ So lonely ♪

♪ So fucking lonely all the time ♪

♪ I am a person ♪

♪ Who's lonely ♪

♪ My Sewer Boys They bring me joy ♪

♪ They have throughout the years ♪

♪ But I admit ♪

♪ They've scared away ♪

♪ My wife, my son ♪

♪ My peers ♪

♪ Could it be ♪

♪ I've hid behind ♪

♪ My sweet, delightful pets? ♪

♪ That they've mired me ♪

♪ In crippling debt ♪

♪ And been the cause of my death threats ♪

♪ I'm lonely ♪

♪ I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely ♪

♪ So lonely ♪

♪ So lonely and so all alone ♪

♪ I am a person ♪

♪ Was it wrong to throw away ♪

♪ The marriage that I had? ♪

♪ Was it wrong? ♪

♪ To split my children up ♪

♪ Is there a chance that was bad? ♪

♪ That was bad ♪

♪ Am I wrong to live my life ♪

♪ The way I do now? ♪

-♪ Should I try to change? ♪ -♪ Yes ♪

-♪ Some way ♪ -♪ Please ♪

♪ Somehow ♪

♪ Change ♪

♪ I have so much to share ♪

♪ Change ♪

♪ Does anybody care? ♪

♪ Please, God If you're listening ♪

♪ Just trust me I'm Christian now ♪

♪ Answer my motherfucking prayer ♪

Oh, not now. Not now.

♪ I'm lonely ♪

♪ I'm so lonely ♪

♪ So lonely ♪

♪ So lonely, I'm all alone ♪

-♪ I'm lonely ♪ -♪ I'm lonely ♪

♪ So very lonely ♪

♪ You know I'm lonely ♪

♪ I am a person ♪

-♪ Who's ♪ -♪ Who's ♪

♪ Lonely ♪

-♪ Lonely ♪ -♪ Lonely ♪

♪ Lonely ♪

-♪ Lonely ♪ -♪ Lonely ♪

Mom called me confirming she's on for dinner tonight.

Oh, Dad has left me, like, 14 voice mails.

-The plan is working, King. -Hell yeah, King.

There's no way this can possibly go wrong.

Uh... Oh, uh-uh.

Tiddle, Brock, what the hell y'all two doing here?

We're keeping your company afloat.

-You're welcome. -I don't know

if estrogen makes you forgetful,

but we're your top two salesmen.

Uh, you're not my two top salesmen.

Check the board.

Okay, so we missed a day

and we fell down a slot or two. Big deal.

Bid deal? Y'all ain't been here in two fucking weeks.

-Two fucking weeks? -Two fucking weeks?

-'Cause we got that wig. -That's it.

-That's where the time went. -Yeah.

Y'all fucked up. So guess what?

Because y'all haven't been making me no money,

y'all are dead to me.

-What? -You haven't been selling

any fucking wheels, any fucking gears,

and y'all damn sure ain't been selling

no teeny tiny fucking brushes.

Okay. I know we're not supposed to say this anymore

because it's not acceptable or whatever,

but you're being a bitch.

Yeah, and I would say that

the way you're acting right now

is actually very bitch-y.

Okay, well, I can show y'all two bitches a bitch.

♪ They say boys'll be boys ♪

♪ Man, what a crock of shit ♪

♪ These men They hold all the cards ♪

♪ It makes me want to spit ♪

♪ They always fucking shit up ♪

♪ They're always making a mess ♪

♪ But I'mma tell you the secret to my success ♪

♪ Men are all stupid Weak little boys ♪

♪ They're not very smart They just make lots of noise ♪

♪ They got their nose up my ass ♪

♪ They want to be teacher's pet ♪

♪ And so I keep them on their toes ♪

♪ And make those fuckers sweat ♪

-♪ Girls ♪ -♪ Girls ♪

♪ Sit on your throne and just act like a queen ♪

♪ And these boys will be dying to kiss the ring ♪

♪ Train them to beg like the dogs that they are ♪

♪ And you'll find that it ain't no thing ♪

♪ To out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

-♪ Outfox the fox ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ Outfox the fox ♪

♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪

♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪

♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪

♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪

♪ They'll cop a feel or smack yo ass ♪

♪ And then they'll suck their little thumbs ♪

♪ These boys all want a kiss from mommy ♪

♪ They're all scummy sacks of cum ♪

♪ So put your foot right on they throat ♪

♪ If they are standing in your way and just ♪

♪ Make those fuckers pay ♪

♪ Stackin' my dollars Making my coin ♪

♪ Got drip in the back of my truck ♪

♪ Bank vault apartment Swimming in cash ♪

♪ Scrooge McFucking McDuck ♪

♪ I always stay stunnin' My shit is brand-new ♪

♪ My tuna is ahi My beef is Wagyu ♪

♪ Y'all are just servants This is my palace ♪

♪ Built it brick by brick ♪

♪ So get in a line Drop on your knees ♪

♪ And suck my fucking dick ♪

♪ Then eat my ass Lick my pussy ♪

♪ And find my clit ♪

♪ Just keep on fucking I'm not done ♪

♪ I'll tell you when to quit ♪

♪ Hell, yeah, I'm raw ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm the star ♪

♪ And yes, I'm real, boy There's no HR ♪

♪ I'm the fucking dom Don't need a fucking man ♪

♪ And by now you know my plan ♪

♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Out-screw the cock ♪

♪ Yeah, out-screw these cocks ♪

♪ Outplay all these losers ♪

♪ Outplay all these losers ♪

♪ Out-juice all these nuts ♪

♪ Out-juice all these nuts ♪

♪ These baby boys can't keep the pace ♪

♪ They're all so fucking slow ♪

♪ They love acting like they run the place ♪

♪ But I'm the CEO ♪

♪ These men are fucking dinosaurs ♪

♪ About to be destroyed ♪

-♪ And I'm the asteroid ♪ -♪ And I'm the asteroid ♪

♪ They've called me shrill They've called me slut ♪

♪ They've called me ice queen And what's more ♪

♪ They've called me crazy Called me loud ♪

♪ They've called me bitch and cunt and whore ♪

♪ Imagine, if you will ♪

♪ We murdered all the males ♪

♪ A woman-driven world ♪

♪ Where equity prevails ♪

♪ Sadly That's not how it is ♪

♪ But don't you get upset ♪

♪ I'll put those boys right in their place ♪

♪ Goddamn, that makes me wet ♪

Trevor, Craig, you're fired.

♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Outfox the fox ♪

♪ Outfox the fox, ah ♪

♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪

♪ Outsmart all the dummies ♪

♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪

♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪

♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Out-alpha the alpha Out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪

♪ Ah ♪

Bitch, that was fun.

Okay, now, back to the story.

You know, fuck that fucking job.

-Who needs that fucking job? -Shh!

-Ugh. -Rude.

-Oh! Look, look, look. -Oh, oh.

Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am.

M-Ma'am?

Ugh. Ugh.

Well, this is ridiculous.

I don't see him anywhere.

I'm just going to go right back ho...

-Evelyn? -Harris?

What are you doing here?

I'm having a romantic dinner...

-...with Trevor. -...with Craig.

Oh, my God.

The twins.

The twins must have found one another,

switched places to meet the parent they never knew

and then tricked us into coming here and reuniting.

Those rascals.

Well, I'm flummoxed.

I'm dumbfounded.

Those were always two of your best qualities.

Oh, Harris.

My God, Evelyn. How long has it been?

260 years.

It's been 260 years since we last saw one another?

Oh, I thought you meant since the French and Indian War.

Oh, I have no idea how long it's been since we...

split up.

Yes, well, at any rate, it's been a long time.

Yes. Yes, it has.

Garcon?

-Garcon? -Yes, madame?

Um, my apologies, but, uh,

we're actually going to have to cancel our reservation.

Yes, there's been a mistake.

-Oh, ooh. -Oh, oh.

Ah, but I hear that this wine

will be of particular interest to you both.

It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy, like you had

-on your honeymoon. -Like we had on our honeymoon.

And it's in a bottle.

Well, it is a very nice wine.

And it is free, after all.

-It's not. Enjoy. -Mmm.

A toast,

to our clever, stubborn boys.

They are the one thing we got mostly right.

Mostly.

And... dissolve.

-Mmm. -God, I've missed this.

And I haven't even thought about the Sewer Boys once.

Those fucking things are still alive? Ugh.

God, how old are they now?

They're younger, actually.

They operate outside of linear time.

Sure. I'm familiar.

What went wrong between us, Evelyn,

all those many moons ago?

Oh, what goes wrong with any couple?

We were young and foolish.

-We drifted apart. -Hmm.

And you did start fucking men.

All the time, fucking men.

There are always little clues that a person might be gay.

Well, it hardly matters now, since my pussy fell off.

Yes, it hardly matters now.

I'm sorry, what?

Delicious.

Hmm.

Evelyn, is something the matter?

Oh, you're choking. Oh!

Yes.

Hmm?

Oh. Harris?

Yes?

You're still holding onto me.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -Oh, no, no. It's fine.

-It's... -Oh.

It's more than fine.

What are we even doing?

I'm not sure.

Aren't you gay?

I-I don't know. It's like I'm...

I'm attracted to both men and women.

Huh. Well, now I have heard everything.

But, uh, also, and correct me if I'm wrong,

but, uh, didn't you just say that your...

...pussy fell off?

Yes. Trevor had to kill it with a flip-flop in Greece.

But what he doesn't know is, I went back afterward,

scooped it up and put it into a plastic bag,

and now I always carry it with me

so that I feel like a woman.

Well, now I've heard everything.

Oh, my God.

Well, that was unexpected.

-Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. -Oh.

These are yours, those are mine.

I'm so embarrassed. Yes.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

So...

we can be together.

Why, yes. Yes, we can.

♪ I thought these feelings ♪

♪ All had died ♪

♪ But now you're here ♪

♪ And now I find ♪

♪ I've missed you very much ♪

♪ I've missed your hair Your eyes, your face ♪

♪ But now you're here ♪

♪ And now I yearn ♪

♪ For a tender lover's ♪

♪ Touch ♪

-Wow. -Wow.

♪ I feel the beat, beat, beat of your thumping heart ♪

♪ It's just my body telling you ♪

♪ I'm ready to start ♪

♪ Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go ♪

♪ You know I like it rough ♪

♪ So don't you take it slow ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm desperate for your dick ♪

♪ Desperate for your pussy ♪

♪ Hungry for your dick ♪

♪ Give me Give me that pussy ♪

♪ I got the taste, taste taste of you on my tongue ♪

♪ I want to get real wild like when we were young ♪

♪ Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go ♪

♪ Roll over here, baby 'Cause I'm fixing to blow ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm desperate for your snatch ♪

♪ I'm desperate for your cock ♪

♪ I want vagina ♪

♪ I'm talking about penis ♪

♪ I'm desperate ♪

♪ For your love ♪

♪ Desperate for your love ♪

And stay out.

Oh, I had a cape. Ugh.

♪ We did it, we did it ♪

♪ We did it ♪

Harris, we're being mugged.

-We're gonna die. -No, no.

-No, darling. -Huh? What?

It-it's our boys.

Oh, my God!

-It's so good to see you. -Oh, yay.

To see you both together.

Now, why'd you switch places?

I guess we thought, since you gave us up,

-maybe it meant you... -Hated us.

Hated you? No.

We hardly even knew you.

We drew straws at the hospital and each took a kid.

I just can't get over it.

All of us, reunited.

It's just like we planned.

And now that you're back in love again,

you're gonna get married!

-What? -What?

Get married! And when you do,

do you think you'll change your last names?

Oh! Should we change our last names?

-No, wait. -We can all live together.

Then every day would be like Christmas.

-Yes. -Unless we're Jewish,

then every day would be like Easter.

Boys, boys, please, I mean, Craig, I just met you.

-I'm Trevor. -Exactly. And I'm gay.

Yeah, but you just had hot, awesome sex with Mom,

so now maybe you're straight.

It's clear that we were both just longing

for some physical touch.

We were fucking horny.

Right, exactly, but our marriage didn't work.

And I'm an independent woman.

I do not like when people live with...

me.

And I-I feel like maybe I haven't stressed this enough,

I do fuck men.

Not as often as I'd like, but whenever I get the chance.

Boys, listen now.

We love you, but...

we will never...

get married again.

This is stupid!

I hate you! And I hate both of you!

We lost everything

-because of you. -No.

Now we don't even have a family?

We can still be a family,

even if your mother and I aren't together.

No, not the kind we wanted.

You split us up when we were babies.

I mean, that's fucking psycho!

Boys, we didn't realize

that being lied to your entire lives

would upset you this much.

But at least we have each other now.

-No, no, no, no, no. -No, no, no, no. No, Dad.

-Yay! Yay! -No. No, Mommy.

-Yay. Yay. -No, Mommy.

-No. No. -Stop it. Stop it.

-Yay. -No.

Come on, Craig.

-Trevor. -Trevor.

Let's go.

-Yeah. -Ugh.

Don't. Don't leave like this.

Oh...

Which one is which?

We can still fix this.

We just need to get Mom and Dad to...

No, Trevor, just-- No.

-You don't mean that. -I do.

I-I mean no, and no means no this time.

I'm done, okay? This is done.

What are you saying?

I-I don't know what I'm saying.

I've never felt this way before.

Usually when I want something, I get it.

In fact, it almost feels like society and all its systems

were built so that a man who looks like me can succeed.

And so, now to want something and not get it,

it-it makes me feel... feel...

-Feel what, Craig? What? -Feelings!

Bad ones! And I want to make them go away!

-This is just like you. -Excuse me?

To give up. I bet you give up on your boner

before it's even fully hard.

Fuck you. I have never given up on a semi.

My doctors say I am medically horny.

I never lost anything until you showed up.

You ruined my life!

You ruined mine, okay?

I knew this wouldn't work!

It would still work if you weren't a fucking quitter.

We didn't quit. We failed!

Well, if that's how you feel about it,

then I guess there's nothing left to say.

I guess not.

Goodbye forever, Craig.

Goodbye to you, too.

For forever.

Wait, you...

You've lived next to me this entire time?

I guess so.

That's weird.

Yeah.

That is weird.

♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪

♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪

♪ I just lost my brother twin ♪

♪ Who also was my only friend ♪

♪ The only one who understands ♪

♪ Is... ♪

Jesus, Craig.

You look like shit.

I'm fine. Can it.

Hey, that's my job.

Shut up.

No, you shut up.

You know what?

Actually, fuck off.

Get the fuck out of here!

Oh, hey, hey. Can I bum one of those?

Man, I already gave you a whole pack.

Aren't you supposed to be some sort of hung hotshot?

He was once.

But he got fired.

And I heard

that while his penis is large,

it's only slightly above average.

No. That's not true.

It's very large!

Come back!

-Harris. -Hmm?

I'm worried.

About us?

No, not about us.

We'll be friends, and sometimes we'll fuck.

Okay, yes, same page, precisely.

I was talking about the boys.

Oh, them.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Should we drown them in the bathtub

in the old-fashioned way?

They didn't drown them.

They kidnapped them.

Surprise!

Mom? Dad? What the fuck?

-And where's my beard? -Where's my beard?

Those beards were fucking awesome.

Yes.

-No, they were fake. -And shitty looking.

Exactly.

Boys, we see now that splitting you up at birth

was borderline abusive,

but parenting's hard.

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

That's it? That's why you kidnapped us?

Oh, can you even kidnap an adult?

-Yes. -Listen,

we didn't want to be kidnapped, all right?

-We wanted you to apologize. -Right.

We are apologizing.

We're sorry that you're mad at us,

and we'd rather that you not be.

You know what? We would love to not be mad at you,

if you would just do what we want and get married.

Oh, eat me. Not again.

You two really are stubborn.

You two are stubborn.

Uh-oh, dinnertime.

-Why won't you change for us? -Yes.

I don't even know what there is to change.

This, Dad. Change this.

Oh! Now you've upset them.

-Oh. -Oh. Careful.

They don't like sudden movements.

-Ugh. -Oh!

Oh!

Oh, they're out. They're out. Ew, ew, ew!

Motherfucker!

Shut up!

Backpack. Whisper. Dear God, no!

Sewer Boys.

My Sewer Boys.

They've returned to the slimy depths

from whence they came.

They've gone down the pipes.

-Oh. -Back into the sewers.

I have to go after them.

Go after them?

But he's, like, 40 years old, I bet.

What do we all think of this cape?

I know,

it's too drab. I'm gonna go with the Valentino.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Sure as schadenfreude.

I'm going in.

A sometimes-gay man all alone in the sewers?

Seems dangerous.

It is,

but those Sewer Boys,

they're my whole life.

Au revoir, my dear.

Oh, oh.

Goddamn it.

I just got these pants.

Come on, Mom, let's get you home.

But Harris is all alone and...

Oh, fuck him.

And what do you care? Don't you have to go back

to shutting out the entire world?

♪ I'm 93 ♪

♪ No, 94 ♪

♪ That's not so bad ♪

♪ I do want ♪

♪ More ♪

I'm coming, Harris!

What the fuck?

Jesus Christ.

Ugh. We're not going in there, right?

No fucking way.

-I'm gonna go in. -Okay, then me, too.

Whee!

♪ I must run ♪

♪ To my boys ♪

♪ I must go I must run to my boys ♪

Dad!

♪ My God, they came ♪

♪ Could it be that I was wrong? ♪

♪ Was I running from my family all along? ♪

♪ Harris is so brave ♪

♪ The boys each found their twin ♪

♪ These men have charged back in my life ♪

♪ And changed it from within ♪

♪ Up is down ♪

♪ Left is right ♪

♪ And even underground ♪

♪ My world feels bright ♪

♪ I'm sorry we fought ♪

♪ Oh, my God, dude, me, too ♪

♪ My life's so much better when I am with you ♪

♪ It's not what I wanted ♪

♪ And yet, could it be? ♪

♪ Do we have a family? ♪

♪ I must run ♪

-♪ Harris is so brave ♪ -♪ You're so fucking awesome ♪

-♪ Dude, you're awesome, too ♪ -♪ My life's so much better ♪

-♪ When I am with you ♪ -♪ These men ♪

-♪ Have charged back ♪ -♪ They're here ♪

-♪ In my life ♪ -♪ I fear that I was wrong ♪

♪ I've been running from my family all along ♪

♪ Do we have a family? ♪

♪ I can't believe ♪

♪ We are together ♪

♪ Underneath the city ♪

♪ Where it smells like piss ♪

♪ As a unit ♪

♪ We are so much better ♪

♪ I never thought it would be like this ♪

♪ Also, it smells like piss ♪

♪ It smells like piss ♪

♪ We're all down here together in the sewer ♪

♪ And it smells like fucking piss ♪

Backpack. Whisper.

Die, Sewer Boys, die.

Dear God!

No!

No! Oh...

Die, die, die!

-Oh! Oh, God. -Oh!

Okay. All right, all right, all right,

all right, all right.

Mama's gonna need you to be brave, baby girl.

I know, I know,

but you got this.

All right.

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Eat my snatch, you government piece of shit.

Are you all right? Oh...

Jesus, Mom, your pussy saved the day.

Backpack. Whisper.

Oh.

Wait a minute, are those...

their parents?

They're so fake and shitty looking.

All right,

let's grab the little abortions

and get the fuck out of here.

No.

-Let them stay. -What?

But you love them.

I do,

but they deserve to be with their family.

And...

maybe when they're gone...

I'll finally have time to be with mine.

Aw...

-Does he mean us? -Yeah.

-I think he means us. -Oh, good. Okay.

Goodbye, Backpack.

-Bye. -Goodbye, Whisper.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Take care of yourselves.

Boys, I... I'm-I'm so sorry.

I was wrong.

And I was wrong.

We were wrong, too.

-Mm. -Big hug?

-Oh, yeah. -Big hug.

Family hug.

And so the twins

finally got the family

they never knew they wanted.

They even decided to move in together,

to a little shitbox on the Lower East Side.

No.

No, I don't want...

Whatever.

No, not me. I can't.

-Craig, what's wrong? -Trevor, what's wrong?

I was having a nightmare.

-A nightmare I was gay. -Me, too.

I was having a gay nightmare, and I was gay in it.

Oh, come here. I got you.

-You're not gay. -You're not gay either.

I've got you.

Oh.

-What is it? -I don't know.

I guess I just thought that if I got everything I ever wanted

-I'd somehow feel... -Complete?

Yeah, but I guess I still feel...

-Empty inside? -Yeah.

It's like I just wish there was...

Someone who has gone through

exactly what you've gone through

and know exactly how you feel?

Oh, my God,

I do have that person.

-That person is... -Me.

No. I was gonna say "you."

But, Trevor, when you say "you,"

it means "me."

I...

I love you, Craig.

I love you, too, Trevor.

Oh, yeah!

Aw, fuck!

Oh, yeah! Oh!

What the fuck?

-Oh, my God. -Oh, wow.

-That was so hot. -That was so hot.

And easy. Everything made sense and was comfortable.

Easy, easy.

-Anal's easy. -Anal is easy.

It takes no practice to learn.

I didn't douche. Did you douche?

I didn't. No. I don't know what douching is.

Yeah.

So, then after cumming,

we laid there cuddling all night.

-It was beautiful. -I feel so lucky

to have found the only person in the whole world

who is as smart, awesome,

big-dicked, and smart as me.

And as fate would have it,

the person most like me

is my identical twin. Crazy.

-Crazy. -It's crazy.

-It's crazy. -Crazy.

-Babe, look at me. -Yeah?

-It's crazy. -I'm sorry, I just...

I find this so moving.

Okay, if anyone has any reason

this couple should not be wed,

speak now or forever hold your...

This is not what the Bible says.

What the fuck?

You do the math. This don't work.

Stop, stop, stop, you fucking assholes!

I command you.

-Why should we listen to you? -Yeah!

Because I am God!

Now listen and listen good,

you self-righteous,

judgmental flops.

Two twin brothers marrying each other,

it sounds like an abomination,

and yet, it's not.

Because love in all its forms,

is a divine thing given to you by me,

who, again, is God.

But, Father, they're fucking twins.

Is that Sister Tammy?

You shouldn't judge.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away,

but cum ain't apples.

-Gross! -Who is?

They are.

I don't do any of that nasty stuff.

I only have procreative sex with my wife.

-Yeah! -Lights off, eyes closed,

just as you intended, my Lord.

Don't put that shit on me, Steve.

Fucked up men, Yes, men,

took my words and changed the meaning.

I mean, you sticking your sloppy hard wiener

into your wife's wet hole?

That's disgusting, too.

Well, goddamn, if he ain't right about that.

When he explained it like that,

-I got it. -I never thought of it

-in that way. -I mean, it makes sense.

Look at these twins.

They're vile. Misogynists.

Pigs. Perverts.

-Depraved little sex pests... -Okay, we get it, God.

Yeah, relax, God.

But they love themselves,

in every sense of the word.

That's why I brought them together,

to teach you

that all love is love.

Damn, this story ended up good.

Oh, fuck it, I'm putting this one in the Bible.

Oh, Harris.

♪ We share a love ♪

♪ That can't be ignored ♪

♪ A love sent to us ♪

♪ From our holy fucking Lord ♪

This guy.

♪ I have no pussy ♪

♪ And I'm straight and gay ♪

♪ People may judge us ♪

♪ But this is what we'll say ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

♪ Even when it's ugly ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

♪ Even when it's wrong ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

♪ Like a woman who fucks men made out of sand ♪

♪ All love is gross ♪

♪ But all love is love ♪

♪ You are my brother ♪

♪ My family, my kin ♪

♪ We share a bond ♪

♪ That comes from deep within ♪

♪ But our love has grown ♪

♪ Now it's ancient and divine ♪

♪ We'll fuck each other's assholes ♪

♪ Till we can't tell yours from mine ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

♪ Even when it's ugly ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

♪ Even when it's wrong ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

♪ Like a man who gets a blow job from a horse ♪

-Wow. -♪ All love is gross ♪

♪ But all love is love ♪

-Oh! -Oh!

I now pronounce these twin brothers

legally married.

That's got to be a first. That's got to be a first.

God loves all of you

because God is all of you.

God is man and woman.

God is Black and white.

God is straight and gay.

What, hold on, what? You're gay?

Yeah, obviously...

...amongst other things, but my point is that...

No, totally, we hear you. God is gay.

♪ All love is love All love is love ♪

♪ God is a faggot ♪

♪ And all love is love ♪

That's not exactly my point.

♪ All love is love All love is love ♪

♪ God is a faggot and all love is love ♪

♪ All love is love All love is love ♪

♪ God is a faggot and all love is love ♪

Everybody!

Sing along!

Can't hear you.

You're a bigot!

-♪ All love is love ♪ -That's what I said.

-♪ All love is love ♪ -Even incest.

-♪ All love is love ♪ -Love a fruit.

♪ All love is love ♪

-Hallelujah! -♪ All love is love ♪

-♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ All love is love ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

-♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Oh ♪

-♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ God is a faggot ♪

-♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Sing God is a faggot ♪

-♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Oh, God is a faggot ♪

-♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

♪ All love is love ♪

Yay, yeah!

Check out the New New Testament.

Coming this Christmas.

♪ And all love

♪ Is love ♪

The end.

-Surprise! -Surprise!

Oh, I looked right into camera.

It doesn't really go in there.

-Spit it? -Yeah.

Yes, we can.

Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up.

Kids, listen, we love you, but

we will never... get married.

Mom?

Let's go home and discuss it, eh?

Let's go home and get in the bed

and discuss it in my puss.

...if you do what we want and get married.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Eat me.

Tiddles. Titties. Craig.

Trevor Brock. My two top salesmen.

I feel like it says "Titties." I keep forgetting.

Of all the humiliations I've had in show business,

and they are legion,

this may be the most humiliating moment...

...I've ever had.

Set.

My prize pig.

I wanna be a prize pig.

Hey, baby,

you could be a prize pig in my bed when I fuck you.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I am the lady, the bitch, the boss, rich...

Don't put a gender on my title.

Yeah, and, lady, I'm Craig, so...

Lady? Yes, um, well...

I forgot what the fuck I was supposed to say.

Oh, this time, let's improvise.

Oh, God, no.

That's-that's bad.

'Cause then it's just a lot of potty talk.

-Mom! -Dad!

-Dad? -Mommy!

Cut!

I hope he's a big macho guy like me.

Um, yeah, listen, I would love to talk about that, obviously,

but this is actually Mom's house, so I got to go now.

Oh, God!

Okay, bye-bye.

Yeah, that's good, but I think

also maybe a little more open-handed, if possible.

-Okay. -Yeah, like that.

-That's good. Okay, good. -Yeah. Oh, God.

-Thank you. -Oh, God.

-Ugh. God... -Oh, God.

Open-handed pussy.

Hop on.

Yeah, get right under here,

-you'll feel much better. -Okay.

-Oh. Oh. -Oh!

Shh.

Shh.

-♪ I loved a girl some... ♪ -Shh.

Single-parent families are not homes, that's true.

Single-parent homes are not families, that's true.

Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. Fuck!

That's-that's my other autobiography title.

"Fresh bag of ham."

No! No!

No!

Surprise, I'm in this movie.

♪ I do want ♪

♪ More... ♪

Sorry. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

And cut.

♪ It's a gay old life ♪

-♪ Being queer ♪ -♪ I have no pussy ♪