Original subtitles

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sit down alright start your next leg

cramps tension headaches ingrown toenail

prickly heat an occasional bed wedding

bed weddings there

yes sir only when I'm nervous sir uh-huh

well I tell you what Stan when you get

to basic training you give this little

note to the supply sergeant

supply sergeant that's right that's an

eight week supply of rubber sheets wait

there they has to see it again will

their cup of Siamese twin no but I get

the feeling that they join together from

time to time

I'll send them in Devlin yes sir

set a check mark what it's kind of hard

to say sir it looks more like a smudge

to me

well it's your application boy now what

are you trying to say are you or aren't

you

because if you are you're gonna have to

sign a statement verifying am i or are

and i watch or you can read can't you oh

yes sir oh well see it doesn't say

am i or aren't I the way that it's

worded is have you ever had I know what

it says and what's your answer well that

depends on how you would define an

experience

and what's your problem boy I have no

problem sir

what says here that you want to be with

Devon throughout your entire tour duty

yes sir that's correct

what do you think we're running here

boys can't I understand perfectly Serge

just that well Danny and I have been

together ever since grade school and and

well if we couldn't remain together I

just die I just don't think I could take

it sir you don't understand how it is

Hey but can it be yes all right

and you boys want to go in the army yes

yes sir but I told you there was nothing

to worry about Elliot you know how it is

every time I want something real bad I

never get who I know all but this is

gonna be so Marla's just living with all

those guys

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[Applause]

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are you homosexual

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are you homosexual perish the thought

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you remember where women's clothes no

drag queen doctor why not I'm

embarrassed I just think it's a bit much

how about you

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how much do you prefer young boys or

mature men I think when you really love

somebody that age shouldn't matter no

more do I get a choice

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do you favorite dog sex has nothing to

do with love I think it's much more how

you feel about the person how about you

ideally afford to remain receptive to

one's partner's needs inhibitions have

ruined more marriages what do you think

of her oh those are heavenly beads what

do you think ever hair is too long

do you think about when you look at

something like this mussels have never

been my bag but

and you oh now that's nice

do you mind if I keep it I don't have

this one at home

[Applause]

that's all

are you free to go to draft portal

notify in two or three weeks of your

reclassification does that mean the army

doesn't want us not at this time however

if we uncover any additional evidence

that changes our opinion we'll

reclassify you one a count it so much

I'm going in are we gonna tell our

friends oh I'm sure you'll think of

something Devlin there comes the young

counselor hey Danny

[Music]

that old million dollar knee right son

who ever would have thought that old

tract injury would show up at a time

like this how better it won't keep you

from running around a little when you

get up to Stanford will it oh well

actually I don't think I'm gonna have a

lot of time to do much of anything I

hear they keep you jumping pretty good

on Stanford that's my alma mater say

before you accept any office Dan I want

a chance to better the deal agreed

agreed

how about that Danny you haven't even

cracked your first law book and already

you've been guaranteed a position with

one of the finest firms in the city it

pays to have friends in high places what

are your plans now be here now the baddy

has is de Bourbon are you gonna keep

going oh yes I've from I've asked the

airline's for a transfer up to San

Francisco so we can be together as much

as possible we're gonna get some Sun

okay excuse us okay I didn't know he had

asthma though maybe that's what you've

been mistaking for passion I don't see

what you all see in him well as leopard

voice says if you haven't tried it don't

want it

[Applause]

hey daddy Big Brother

how's the old me tricky very very tricky

and this one says to him but Sarge

you're not just been there and they sent

me back here and I just don't know where

to go anymore

Elliott oh there he goes again he's so

jealous you have to pull that [ __ ]

routine around here

What's Wrong Danny Boy well I realized

that I just don't want anybody getting

any ideas okay don't get [ __ ] over

what are you doing later you just have

to take care of that to the airport one

where do you see what I've got lined up

in for a little after I've seen a bad

place my gift to you for spring the

spring my that boy seems popular your

daughter's really adore thee yes doesn't

she you know I'm glad daddy cultivated

elyes friendship he needs to be with

somebody more outgoing he has a tendency

to be on the shy side

don't have to celebrate your victory

Devlin I guess and you must be that

genius Eliot was telling me about you

must be my little surprise uh where is

Eliot

Joanna's homework Oh

can I fix you a drink or something oh um

I'll make you that drink

you

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[Applause]

hey what's your problem my too fast we

know as a matter of fact you're not fast

enough you've gotta leave you know you

gotta you gotta take your purse you

gotta get out

no it's gonna be a bus the police are

outside why didn't you say you can tell

Ellie oh right right

[Music]

Eliot said to me that Colonel from the

draft board is downstairs checking the

apartments what just get dressed look

Elliot if you don't believe it you come

look for yourself okay how do you know

it's him

I saw him downstairs checking the

mailboxes okay so we're having a little

celebration party with girls you know

what he said about uncovering new

evidence will you get her out of here

okay sweetheart get dressed huh I can't

just do as I say you got my dress song

oh dear

I'll tell you it will you get dressed

it's what we've got to do now do it

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look Elliot there's no other way that's

what we got to do not hear the lady who

pays the rent doesn't dig roommates okay

we move somewhere else look I can't even

afford this setup and I only pay for the

groceries look don't sweat the money

that I can handle look how can I walk

out on that now she's gonna buy me a car

Oh wonderful why don't you go get your

tail shut off in Vietnam and she can buy

you a wheelchair I don't I do this is

just right exactly where we'll look you

know I have quite a few other listings I

think you'd find far more suitable I

have a place in Malibu and a couple

right above the strip well no no no no

this is just uh fine it's just peachy Oh

frankly fellas I really don't think

you're gonna like this place it's rather

sedate here and the tenants well they

tend to be more on the conservative

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actually fellas ah I have several of my

very best friends or members of your

faith would you look at this cottage I

think you'll find it rather unique

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[Music]

kitchen here as all modern appliances

yeah we're the breakfast enough isn't

that tastefully designed beautiful do

and a real fireplace

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the bedroom is up this way Oh Oh for the

coup de Gras

if you'd prefer something in a

two-bedroom I don't know one bedrooms

right uh why don't you fellas have a

look around and I'll wait for you

downstairs

[Applause]

what do you mean this is all right well

Callaghan I don't want this any more

than you do you know it's bad enough I

gotta live here in fairyland now you

want me to share the same bed you're

forgetting something you see we're

supposed to be living like yeah like

lovers swell and what will we do for a

nursery when the little ones come along

for you sweetie we'll take it

I think it was a terrific idea he'll

give a chance to sow some oats before he

has to settle down or those law books

best thing he could have done I suppose

you're right but I still don't

understand why all the rush at least he

could have done was discuss it with us

well you know how boys are they get

ideas in their heads and castellan well

I think he could have shown a little bit

more taste in choosing a roommate well

don't you think you owe me some kind of

explanation we'll talk about it sometime

[Applause]

hey baby when do I get to try the Newark

thanks not until a decorator is through

darling

the color scheme question yeah Eliot be

a dear but so this on my back

sure Marilyn a trowel delay this weekend

safer as well as always

sorry love them taking my sabbatical I

take a few weeks off every seven years

whether I need it or not to recharge my

batteries

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[Music]

I've run out of excuses to give these

broads we've got to talk this thing over

right now and make other arrangements

Helia there's nothing to talk about I

told you I think I saw that Colonel

downstairs question one of the neighbors

yeah well right now he's not my problem

you know if I don't get it kissed two

three times a day I get a complex I

realize that but you can have to learn

to excuse me live with it and how about

if I not tell it with him wrong

yeah but if I explain to them that knew

no look oh yeah we can't say anybody we

can't tell anybody we've got a lay of

like almost sexuals but I don't want

anybody even accidentally tripping us up

you know I they're gonna start sending

investigators around and me

[Applause]

hi there I'm Malcolm Dijon your landlord

I live across the courtyard

oh I'm Danny oh how do you do I'm Elliot

well pleased to meet you

you are the muscular one aren't you

I just adore this cottage and I

decorated it myself

isn't it elegant it's you it's really

you

[Music]

so are you two just getting started

oh well actually see um we're uh we're

newlyweds

oh how wonderful I must tell Craig great

my better half or at least he likes to

think he is but then you know how men

are beasts all of them aren't they

though you know if it weren't for this

dreadful feeling of insecurity that I've

had all my life I'm not sure that I ever

would have gotten married I was willing

to live in sin yes well I prefer living

in California myself it's time for me to

feed my peonies

you're what Oh Kelly hit those those are

flowers flowers right they certainly are

I have the most gorgeous peonies in the

entire country I bet you have I'd like

to see them sometime well I bet you

would

toodaloo ah mr. Dijon I'm Malcolm Danny

welcome Malcolm I like to thank you for

the fruit you're welcome and I hope that

you can come on over and have a drink

with us sometime Oh we'd love to

I'd love to meet Craig well I'm sure

he'd love to meet you

ciao believe that Elliot it don't put on

people like that it's people like that

that go to the draft board and blow the

whole thing Elliot

98 99 100 you know it's a good thing you

let me turned you down

you'd never make it past the barracks

scene what's your problem

afraid I'm gonna see a precious little

bottom or you turning into a silly

little closet Queen just like my privacy

that's all just a big game to you in it

Elliot

what else can you call it oh the fact

that they're probably watching the house

at this very moment doesn't seem to

worry you a bit probably have it bugged

do you think they [ __ ] a place not

salutely that's funny haha see living

with you is just gonna be a series of

bad jokes then I'm gonna get the side by

the phone okay I'm expecting a

long-distance call from Karen we got a

date tomorrow night oh that's just great

I thought you were the one that was all

uptight about the no Broads routine oh

yeah I am it's just that you know I

don't want her to get suspicious she

doesn't know anything about this and

how's it gonna look if I suddenly pull a

disappearing act the role I am engaged

to the girl that's a cop-out buddy and

you know it expect me to play it

straight while you're out with you check

oh that's different you don't know those

ding-a-lings of yours any explanation

it's different with Karen now look if I

can just talk to her over dinner you

know and try to fix it up so she doesn't

get any ideas and what am I supposed to

be doing meanwhile I don't know you

could read playboy or do some push-ups

in front of the mirror you could build a

model aeroplane oh you're just a

sweetheart

Peace Love I should never go to bed

angry look Elliot ah sorry I didn't know

this thing would get this heavy it's not

turned out anything like I planned I

figured once we slowed them down at the

draft board that was [ __ ] I forget it

but there's something you ought to know

mm-hmm

you are not the first man I've ever gone

to bed with when I was a kid I used to

second with my father

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good morning could I borrow a couple of

eggs and some oregano if you have some

mmm oh thank you I was the middle of

whipping up a little surprise for Prague

and I rent out make this dreary my god

what's happening here looks like you had

a fistfight with Julia Child's yo I'm

trying to make breakfast uh I'm really

not too much of a [ __ ] they know more I

understand darling when Craig and I were

first married I didn't know a thing

about cooking either

I used to dress a turkey and levi's in

fact on our very first wedding

anniversary Craig gave me a cookbook and

I gave him a stomach pump why don't you

run upstairs darling let me take care of

this oh I don't what I don't want to put

you to any trouble it's no trouble at

all and now come on run along shoo shoo

come on that's your fairy godmother get

her wand working thank you you're

welcome

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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like the music our interior decorating

landlord came over to borrow some eggs

and he's offered to cook me breakfast oh

really you two are getting awfully

chummy better watch out

Craig's liable to get jealous I know

Malcolm he's just being friendly

sure he is and he hasn't tried to touch

me okay

anyway I'll bet he cooks better than you

do I doubt it

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[Applause]

hi mom oh good morning the Hercules why

don't you go sit right down breakfast

will be ready in a jiff no I got a rush

oh it smells terrific while cars it's

terrific it's my secret recipe Montezuma

madness

Maria mom came and served it to her

lover in the fan of the Cobra Queen

Malcom take it easy with a kid don't

spoil him he's toughing up to Liverpool

Elliot I wouldn't dream of spoiling

Danny it's hard enough with Craig he

loves my cooking so I practically have

to beg him to take me out to a

restaurant you know I think I will try

to look I know you couldn't resist it

neither could John Hall you're not going

to eat my omelet like mad you're right

[Music]

please hi what are you doing here well

we thought we'd stop by and see how you

two bachelors we're making out

oh we're just making out fine sure looks

that way

I may even move in here with you for a

few days myself great huh the doors open

thanks Eliot hello I'm Malcolm Dijon

Danny's landlord like daddy nutty oh

well how do you do I'm Danny's father oh

how do you do I do

mom dad dad what are you doing

we just happen to be in the neighborhood

thought we'd stop by oh well I came over

to borrow some oregano Danny was lost

Malcolm offered to make me breakfast

that's very sweet of you Danny I loved

your cottage it's so well actually we

haven't had a chance you know the street

Malcolm are we keeping you oh no no not

at all go why don't you show them the

cottage I know they'll adore it Danny

what is this oh it's a statue

um two wrestlers but they're not wearing

any clothes right well you know how the

Greeks do it then oh yeah sure well it's

a lovely place it's so quaint oh I must

call Dolores and have her see this place

Oh mom it's so messy upstairs oh that's

all right

everything all right Danny any money

Barney oh no no you must come and see

this

dad about the bedroom it's not exactly

oh well I never expected anything quite

like this

yeah oh well you see two women lived

here before we did and we haven't had a

chance to change it yet yeah they have

rather strong taste tonight

where did I'll get sleep Eliot yes show

me his room

oh well no that that's not his room see

this is that this is the bathroom

oh it's a one-bedroom apartment but

we're gonna get a couch for downstairs

that pulls out into a bed that's good

odd that that belonged to the girls who

lived here before well dad you've uh

you've seen it all yeah I'm sorry you

and Mom couldn't have stayed longer mom

would you excuse us a second listen dad

I wanted to talk to you about the color

of the room pink I don't like pink

either we're gonna get some brown paint

and I think it'll look really good

dark brown oh that's one of Freddy's

isn't it Freddy Freddy bridge I'd know

one of his designs anywhere oh yeah I

didn't know men appreciated such things

well not all men do listen you know uh I

hope I hope you'll be able to come up to

campus this fall see some of the

football games you and Mom SC's playing

up there this year

that color is yummy for you

and it adds a very youthful line to your

figure oh do you really think so oh I do

indeed

Danny's very lucky to have such a lovely

looking mother well you know as a matter

of fact I was very young when Danny was

born I'm sure you were Evelyn I'm I must

rush I have to get back to my souffle so

nice to have met you mr. DeJong my

pleasure Danny I put the omelet in the

oven and please try and eat it before it

gets cold

au revoir

mrs. Devlin isn't he marvelous yeah

isn't he uh Evelyn I have to be on the

first tee by 11 o'clock goodbye darling

goodbye mom goodbye Danny dad thanks for

coming over

I'm so glad daddy found such a lovely

plane Karen's going to be thrilled when

she sees it

and he has such nice Navy thank you very

good

oh honey that sounds fantastic well it's

a lot better than living at home I'll

tell you that hmm

but I'd like it over to your place I'm

dying to see him well you will you know

well we just moved in in places things

all over the floor oh I wish we'd

finally had a place to ourselves if I

could cook my house cleaner maybe just

as soon as I start school

you'll fly out of San Francisco live

with me in Palo Alto I know I wish we

could get started right now we could get

started what's happening back at your

place

not much um let's see Joyce is in Denver

Caroline's in Chicago and one of them is

due back tonight Alec gives us abundant

time Danny couldn't we please go back to

your place I promise I'll keep my eyes

closed until the lights go out I promise

I don't see a mess honey look it's it's

really a bad idea it's probably home and

look you've got a flight tomorrow look I

will next time you just have to have

patience with me thanks I've been so

frantic lately yeah I don't even know

what's gonna happen next

it's only a copy but it's um

Michelangelo's David and I fell in love

with it when I first saw it as a matter

of fact Craig and I thought it would be

kind of heaven for your living room you

know I I don't want you people going to

any extra expenses holy nonsense Danny

and I know exactly where to put it you

know Danny home beautiful wanted to do

as Fred but just the idea you know

seeing the two of you getting started

like this is from inocent of malcolm and

myself when we were first married oh

yeah the struggle we had in the

beginning trying to adjust well you know

what I say give a little take a little

how true God knows

Malcolm isn't the easiest person to live

with high-strung temperamental you've

got to watch every word you say to him

the slightest thing is liable to set him

off on one of his tantrums geez I

thought you two are made for each other

I know but believe me it hasn't been

easy

it's thought it off it's the usual

physical thing you know just the plain

pickup and third myself but how long can

one keep up these casual Affairs you get

tired of cruising it gets so depressing

after a while it's just the same old

thing over and over again it beeps

you're feeling so so drained

exactly before I met Malcolm I was

married to a real [ __ ]

I couldn't trust him alone for a minute

the break-up I can imagine the anguish

of trying to explain it to your friends

realizing all the time that she had

probably been intimate with them well

you know what I say love them and leave

them it seemed appropriate tell me how

love you went down he managed to make a

steady thing of it well we I guess was

love at first sight I guess we took one

look at each other and we knew he blew

destined for one another how romantic

you never tell me anything like that

what do you expect up to seven years

Omar Sharif yes Wow you should a hard

time finding this place are you guys

hiding from the FBI

hmm I hate to admit it lover boy

uh-huh you know you've only been gone a

few days and already I'm beginning to

miss your homely little face around the

house how'd you find us

well your roommate invited bunny over

and we were out shopping so I decided to

come along with her you don't mind do

you

oh no no I'm sorry uh Craig Malcolm this

is my sister Leslie how do you do hi

and uh this is bunny over here hi why

don't you just sit down I'm sorry Danny

I I didn't know you had guests oh well

we're not guests you see actually Craig

and I live across the courtyard it's

just one big family oh well I'm told me

all about this place so I just thought

I'd come around look for myself somebody

sure is queer for nudes around here

aren't they

oh you sure did look silly in my dress

the other night yeah bunny why don't we

go upstairs and look at the bedroom

Daniel why didn't you tell us but you

have such a lovely sister she's adorable

in fact they both are are they're all

right if you did girls well I have a

sister too oh really recently married

she married a lovely Olympic swimmer

tell me and the wedding was gorgeous the

best man gave the groom away my father

gave the bride away and the fact that I

wanted to be flower girl gave me away

[Laughter]

who's your decorator Tiny Tim my dear

child I decorated every inch of this

cottage myself Tiny Tim really I think

this crazy bum bomb I found sweet child

that crazy bug bomb is worth about five

dollars and squirt

excuse us I guess I can tell them we're

not wanted come on bunny let's get out

of here okay around a while I'll be

leaving soon

don't bother bunny it's obvious you'd

rather spend your time with your

neighbors come on but I'm terribly sorry

about this oh it's all right daddy

daddy I want to talk to you Oh

would you excuse me a second please

certainly talk about being uncool

hey no wait a minute whose idea was it

to invite them in the first place

look Elliot I thought that we had an

agreement I don't know about you but I'm

ready you want them to hear us what do I

care if they hear me look you can take

this whole scene and shot for my money

look if I don't start getting a little

I'm gonna wind up a basket case magic

broadcast it to the whole world

where'd everyone go what do you think

everyone went look Elliot if Malcolm and

Craig think that we've been putting them

on they could go right to that kernel

and spill the whole thing for us where

you going well I'm gonna go and try and

straighten it out straighten them out

impossible

$5 hi listen I wanted to apologize oh

don't be silly come on in thank you

make yourself at home Danny Danny I'm

Malcolm hello I love your rug what was

it Beulah heaven I trapped your under

the sink ah what's going on well I

wanted to apologize to the both of you

for the scene that was caused I I had no

idea that Elliot was gonna invite

anybody over well Danny first of all you

don't have to apologize

good lord Craig and I have had our ups

and downs haven't we dear well you

certainly have in fact I was just

telling Elliot that we fought that

entire first year we were married a year

and a half would you like some iced tea

sure lover

oh thanks I just a little sugar 30ml

oh you and Elliot seemed to hit it off

marvelously oh he's a very nice person

in fact you're very lucky to have him

yeah if you're going to make any sudden

changes I wish you'd let me know I was

writing out the check to your landlord

when I found out you would move bedroom

kids upstairs I take it yes but you

don't really got to hurry because I told

Ben I was just going to get my hair

combed out you can spare me 20 or 30

minutes can't you yeah I meant to call

you and explain what's happening I'm

sure you did you have done the at Racal

haven't you got well it came this way oh

nothing or the mirror darling you don't

seem too excited to see me but you don't

understand Danny's across the I think I

can think that why did you get ready

you've got work to do

[Music]

what the hell is going on here hi mrs.

Conway

Ellie mrs. Conway how are you Danny

oh I'm fine thank you your mother was

telling me about your lovely new house

and I was just passing by in the

neighborhood so excuse me

stupid son of a [ __ ] why could I do she

barges in here inside to pull your

clothes off it's only my mother's best

friend that's all I keep it in the

family

this really is a lovely place you have

Danny your mother's best friend huh well

let me tell you about your mother's best

friend she was paying my rent and I

think I owe her for it

okay right now I'm paying your rent so

you owe me and you do what I say no

broads

you dirty [ __ ] bye baby and besides you

silly Queen are not even peonies they're

marigold god I think she's right

they are miracles I may not know my

flowers but I know a [ __ ] when I see

one Elliott it's not funny can't you get

it through your thick skull that we're

being watched 24 hours a day how is that

gonna look on the report they send in -

hi she was near long enough to wash your

hands that's not the point the point is

that we can't be seen with women if they

find out that we're faking it we're

gonna be in Vietnam Monday morning can't

we be a CDC oh you're hopeless

no baby you are you're playing this

thing way too heavy you've got to take

it seriously

[Music]

well I still think something should be

done about it I mean that whole scene

he's moved into it well it's unhealthy

now calm down honey

I don't see any harm in Danny having a

little fun before he leaves for school

after all he and Elliot are two normal

red-blooded American boys well I gotta

get out the club normal you called that

Elliott crane normal Oh daddy I don't

see how you can be so blind

[Music]

and do something to be sorry

only my girlfriend baby he likes me this

way

hey oh man I dropped my stove for you in

your life mother a fresco put then down

from boeing c-40 I want that boy fire

and I want him fired today

oh come on Barney you don't really

believe that kids a [ __ ] do ya

just because he's been kidding around in

the shower room if you've seen his

apartment and heard what my daughter

told me you'd know he wasn't kidding

that boys as queer as a three-dollar

bill how bonnie for christ sake

[Music]

that's your problem

I was canned today you kidding me what

for

you tell me Forester called me into his

office and told me I was through said

something about they're not really

needing a lifeguard that somebody's

daughter was gonna come in and give the

kids swimming lessons I said something

about me being a bad influence on the

kids or something considering what

you've been doing to their mothers might

have a point there

yeah and what's that supposed to me look

I'll ask my old man to find out what the

story is okay

yeah well whatever I've got 57 bucks to

my name and no prospects don't sweat the

money that I can handle I have the whole

thing blows over soon anyway look I got

a date with Karen you're gonna be around

yeah well if I am it's not gonna be by

myself I'll tell you that right now now

wait a minute Eliot we've got an

agreement you stick to it I don't see it

holding you back any champ limit you

just just be cool I'm gonna bring him

back here

[Music]

okay

[Music]

hey Luiz where is she

what do you mean she's getting married

what marry her

[Music]

yeah the same to you buddy

[Music]

[Applause]

look honey you really like this place

it's a new place and it's gonna be a

good dinner

come on Amy no I don't want to have

dinner I want to see where you and

Elliot are living you've got to be

hungry after a flight like that Danny

are you sure there's not another girl

hey what would I want with another girl

when I've got you huh look at me

you're on a girl I need

[Music]

all right just the same I want to see

where you were now either living uh no

yeah now

[Music]

I'm sorry it's just that things aren't

that way now

[Music]

it's just different that's all please

don't just like them well you know were

meant for each other

not really darling different

[Music]

hi

buy your drink

yeah why not

Peter it's not what I had expected

everybody says that you know just moving

in we're gonna make a lot of changes of

course that's Elliott's Oh what do you

stay I'm sleeping down on the couch and

we're moving twin beds

I'm sorry for for suspecting you I I

thought you and Elliot we're living up

here with some girl oh well now you know

you're wrong I'm sorry it's funny I've

never been this jealous before

no one should be jealous cuz I'm all

yours

okay well I tell you now it was really

Elliot I was worrying about I had vision

came bringing up all of his ding-a-ling

girlfriends in the two of you happy

no honey my taste in Elliot's taste in

women is totally different he likes them

dumb sexy I like them smart sexy oh that

what I think it is looks like a

fireplace to me no no means genuine

imitation mmm we could fake it

[Music]

what who was that oh well that's uh

that's one of our neighbors what kind of

a neighborhood is this yeah look uh you

know I'm really kind of hungry uh why

don't we go is a place a couple blocks

from here we can walk over and get

something to eat yeah well you should

think your move fast well you have to

feed all your appetites in the cab and

all like that for no reason at all I

know what it's like they treat us like

we were diseased or something oh hey

Danny hey listen that's one of the gay

bars all the girls have been talking

about can we go in please

honey what do I want to do going into a

place well come on I'll protect you no

really it'll be one drink come on please

look a bunch of fruits hanging all over

me I don't need it

you know one time I had this great job

secretary to this big industrialist

[Music]

this is big government contract on the

line what do I hear from him

sorry Freddie government clearances and

all that was out the book and believe me

listen I never did any playing around on

the job

[Music]

my pal Johnny when I was about uh the

drink

[Music]

this one behind you is where I can do a

favor little girl's room I seriously

doubt it

second thought sir Danny Kylie get over

there yeah what do what he's doing here

I don't understand what can this give

you that I can't you've got to

understand I can't tell yet are you

doing then come on over and join us

who's that

Karen right listen you I saw him first

now wait a minute gorgeous I got I

figured the creeps been poor me all

night reading on race with me and I just

working my type come on let's go

someplace and get a little drinkin I

think you've had enough

well me listen booze are broads there's

always room for one more I always say

yeah right Elliot what nothing nothing

forget about it hey Danny I thought we

had an agreement not here why not this

is a go-to place as any to get this

thing straight now do we have an

agreement or don't we have some

agreement hey hey Danny what's he

talking about I don't know honey he's

just drunk I'm not - drunk lover boy I

remember you telling me Elliot baby

we're gonna give up broads for the

duration it's just gonna be you and I in

our little light I'm gonna put her to

the wall I wouldn't try it love a boy

what the hell is he talkin about Danny

don't talk to him like that

I simply want Stanford it's my turn

can you turn looks like we're stuck with

each other love oh ah I don't understand

it he seems like such a sweet young

thing

well they just don't seem to make those

sweet young things like the Houston yeah

well I just can't believe it you would

have you'd been there they kept arguing

about being faithful to each other I

don't know it was absolutely hateful

I'll hit be faithful that I couldn't be

faithful his life depended on it yeah

there's something wrong with him is one

thing to be in a constant state of heat

boo with him it's like I'm his unnatural

look I'm not worried about Elliot I

don't care about Elliot it's Danny it's

like he doesn't even want to be with a

girl you don't think there's anything

wrong with Danny do you look I'm his

sister and if there was anything odd

about him well well don't you think I

would have noticed it before now oh I'm

gonna be late I've got a doctor's

appointment I'll talk to you later

oh wait it's not Danny's fault a problem

it's Elliot not Danny I touched it later

now where is she she went sailing with

who I don't know some doctor friend or

other what did she tell you where the

boat was moored somewhere at the marina

I think Thanks you're welcome

look uh you call me anytime you need

help

amen I'm splitting for the beach got

eyes no I'm just trying to be considered

really some people Elliot I don't want

to hear you do that [ __ ] routine again do

you understand

look Elliot I

Elliott Elliott Elliott Elliott Elliott

you are coming tonight aren't you - what

- the party great can I are having a

party and everyone's gonna be there

simply everyone it's our annual costume

ball and you're supposed to comment your

favorite camp character Tarzan

Superman Judy Garland well you know what

I mean of course you come as someone

from a fairy tale you bet your sweet

biceps but all of our friends are going

to be there Elliott and we want you to

meet them because we know that you'll

find them absolutely fascinating well

I'll tell Danny when I get a key but I

doubt he'll come he simply has nothing

to wear oh well tell him not to worry

I'll find him something

[Music]

you're a doctor what do you think I

think your friend has a problem well

well what what do you think she should

do about it well unless she's one of

those sick type-2 prefers that sort of

relationship I'd say she should drop it

fast he seems so normal in the beginning

blatant tendency sometimes don't show

themselves until there's a crisis why

did they accuse him huh

how are you putting me on well well did

he actually try anything that the kids

are did he you're kidding

my dad that's funny he never said

anything about it at dinner last night

what does Ellie usually do on his day

off

[Music]

little sister right here in advance I

don't think I'm so little - you know

when you put it that point well I hear

you're pretty good I could have told you

that at outdoor sports I'm good at

everything outdoors and indoors well

then prove it I thought you didn't dig

me I can change my mind can I

and one of these nights I might just

give you a call what's the matter with

right now well I guess in the middle of

a game are you looking for excuses

oh you're breaking up the game well I

think you better make a decision is it

gonna be them or is it gonna be me

what's it gonna be

[Music]

god I guess he don't want to play over

the city

where'd daddy go I don't know he left

this morning do you think you'll be back

[Music]

and maybe this wasn't such a good idea

after all what smell you've got cold

feet

No

[Music]

look your daddy's sister it's not incest

or anything you guys are only roommates

look but you make up your mind

whether you like girls or not I'll be

upstairs

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

where have you been I've been on pins

and needles waiting I had to be careful

I think she's having been watched this

is the last place they think of looking

for you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

I don't know what's wrong this never

happened to me before me either

maybe you just don't like girls what's

that supposed to mean don't you think I

know what you are ah ah [ __ ] trust

you for a second get nicely it's true

what Karen said about you what did she

say no you two can kiss and make up for

all I care

never let it be said that I was a

homewrecker nothing happened dad look

yeah

Lesley Lesley hi Lesley surprise

surprise surprise have I got a girl for

you um well didn't Elliot tell you Danny

it's our annual costume ball and it's

tonight it's going to be absolutely mad

I'm going to be heaven here now take

this dear now it's a 5413 things to do

and you're going to be stunning

around Sylvania here I come get dressed

and I'll escort you to the party

personally that's the way you feel about

it

[Music]

[Applause]

alien hello welcome welcome welcome

everybody's here

so let me see your costume let me see

your costume mold hey everybody this is

Eliot our next-door neighbor so thrilled

you could come

well let's have a look fabulous fabulous

simply fabulous well you said to be

imaginative I totally did Oh where's

daddy

oh he's back to the bedroom sulking I

don't know what's eating him

well that just go dragging out oh I

don't know I think we should leave him

alone for a while you know he's simply

impossible when he gets this way I know

just what you mean

Malcolm gets the same way when she's

upset I'll never drink

where did you find him

is our next-door neighbor Elliot and

he's married don't stain the carpet

Pagliacci go take your hard pill

famiglia

[Music]

Eliot he is a brute isn't he yeah but

he's not gonna get away from me tonight

I got a big investment in him honey

you don't stand a chance you are hardly

his type oh and this is pirate broken

bridge I mean cool it and over here this

is Cleopatra hi and this is heaven and

this is Judy Streisand yeah she went

over the rainbow and somebody broke her

no you Gyptian ass oh it's a girl like

you doing in a place like this Lord only

knows these parties of metallurgist and

pass any freshen up your drink

[Music]

hi honey remember me from the lush life

plato sure didn't take you long did it

honey

but she didn't have to be true he's some

[ __ ] a minute of party last night let's

get away from these coins

[Music]

[Music]

this is a nice place to relax

[Music]

got it so stuffy in there

why Malcolm this I'm throwing those

parties at his plate my dick no much

more suitable Oh Dicky sister vine oh

it's an earth meeting well I must say

his costume is rather inappropriate for

the theme oh I don't know I'd love to be

a stewardess and entertain all the

handsome executive they'd never take you

honey not with your legs go up yours

coffee tea or me Danny you're messing up

my hair huh nothing well would you

expect aunt Margaret

[Music]

what's matter boy don't you like drag

queen it's not that unusual I talked to

a doctor he said that he I've got to be

away from each other for a while so you

can think about things no I don't need

time to think things over I love you and

I want to marry you don't you understand

that I asked the airline for a transfer

I'm leaving for Miami no no you you were

gonna transfer to San Francisco well

like I said I I talked to the doctor and

he said that he thought you needed time

to be alone without the pressures of

trying to make a difficult decision you

needed time to re-evaluate things what

you want to do with your life honey I

know exactly what I want to do with my

life I want to be a lawyer and I want to

marry you

and I want to have children

[Music]

until don't you realize that this whole

thing is is nothing but a hoax that

Elliot and I dreamed up to avoid the

draft that we are perfectly normal

honey we're perfectly I'll show you

Danny Danny please there's nothing to

prove Elliot tells me you're stalking

now let's have none of that

oh hello Craig not now huh please of

course I understand my buddy seems to

understand please don't mention look

honey okay slightly need an hour kit can

I can I at least some place to write to

you no I don't think that would be too

good an idea hello Danny you naughty boy

look well you're not even dressed and

after all the trouble I went to to get

you the outfit Oh Danny um come over if

you want to to the party

excuse me hard out for some air and you

testing it might give you : yeah I'll

have that in writing

I love you bigs

[Music]

I can't take my eyes off him for one

minute Jenna whoo what's up girl to do

blogger self in a closet you're supposed

to be here hours ago

Oh Vince you're hurting me or you know

let him talk to me like that you can do

better than her Vince I know a real girl

that you bastard you're a fine one to

talk you wouldn't even know how to

satisfy a girl why don't you take your

dress off and fight like a man if she

takes her dress off for anybody it's

going to be me torturing you grabbing

magic greasy hands off him this thing

you put out [ __ ] it is none of your

business

are you come with me handsome let these

girls work it out for themselves since

we told you last night

[Music]

[Applause]

now are you ready to go home sighs until

oh that's quite all right good night

I did death cheap notoriety well so do i

but wasn't that Punch divine

[Music]

dad I couldn't tell you I couldn't tell

anybody he was afraid that if they

started sending investigators around

started questioning people somebody was

gonna slip up better tell them that we

were normal I'm sorry you didn't come to

me sooner dan I'm sure a competent

psychiatrist might have been able to

help you with your problem dad didn't

you hear me didn't you listen to what I

said the whole thing was a hoax from the

beginning to the end Elliot and I are

perfectly normal oh come off it Dan what

do you take me for

don't you think I know about Elliot why

else do you think I had him fired from

the club we can't have perverts like him

coming into contact with our children

those army doctors are no fools Dan it's

their job to spot fellows like you with

problems I don't know I thought that you

were glad that I got deferred not that

way you realize this will be on your

record for the rest of your life that

you'll never be able to hold any kind of

a job requiring a security clearance did

you ever ask any of your fairy friends

what it's like to have a stigma like

that attached to them did you huh

dad I'm trying to tell you something

don't tell me tell your draft board I'm

sorry Devlin but there's nothing I can

do about it it's out of my hands

don't you see then I'm admitting to you

that the whole thing was a fake that we

just thought it up just to make you

think you don't seem to hear what I'm

telling you Devlin now regardless is

your intentions you've been found

unsuitable for military service that

plain words boy Uncle Sam doesn't want

you

[Music]

do and by

it figures after the party last night I

wasn't even there but I was in figures

you told me to be convincing and I guess

they just assumed well it's like you

said it's better than getting your butt

shot off in Vietnam

just didn't turn out like I planned

where to now back to you folks it's the

last place in the world I want to go

now I'll go up north and try and find

someplace to live until school starts I

guess what about you

[Music]

let me go head down to Florida I hit the

beach boys do all right with money old

broads well I see you before you go no

I'm gonna take off this afternoon well

hang loose or buddy

this thing will all blow over

I doubt it Oh Eddie it's thinking that

they could fool us you really I don't

think of Linda George well that's my job

Joe weed out all the undesirable we

don't want their kind of in the army do

each other

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you