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Hello, and thanks for joining us here on TCM.

I'm Dave Karger, stepping in for Ben Mankiewicz.

Tonight, we're bringing you a lineup of films

starring the hilarious Madeline Kahn.

We just showed you her scene-stealing performance

in Mel Brooks' 1974 comedy "Young Frankenstein,"

and up next is a quirky comedy

starring Kahn alongside Alan Arkin.

From Orion Pictures and distributed by Warner Bros.

in 1980, it's "Simon."

It's about a group of scientists with unlimited funding --

the Institute for Advanced Concepts --

who decide to play an elaborate hoax

by brainwashing a man into thinking he's an alien

and then using him to convince the public

that extraterrestrial beings actually exist.

Their unsuspecting victim is a psychology professor,

Simon Mendelssohn, played by Alan Arkin --

a man who was orphaned at birth

and has no other biological family.

The story for "Simon" was the brainchild

of Marshall Brickman and Thomas Baum,

with Brickman writing the screenplay

in what was also his directorial debut.

Brickman is perhaps best known

for his collaborations with Woody Allen,

cowriting the screenplays for four of Allen's films --

"Sleeper" from 1973;

"Annie Hall" from 1977,

which earned him and Allen an Academy Award

for Best Original Screenplay;

1979's "Manhattan";

and "Manhattan Murder Mystery" from 1993.

Madeline Kahn appears here

as a lab assistant who visits the institute.

By 1980, Kahn had established herself

as one of Hollywood's top comediennes,

and she shines in this film.

Also featuring Wallace Shawn and Judy Graubart --

who starred with Kahn

on the special television series "Comedy Tonight" in 1970 --

here's "Simon."

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

Narrator: IT IS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN

THAT MANY OF THE STRANGE AND ALARMING TRENDS

OBSERVED IN THIS COUNTRY IN RECENT YEARS

WERE NOT RANDOM OCCURRENCES,

COINCIDENCES, OR SO-CALLED ACTS OF GOD,

BUT ARE, IN FACT, DIRECTLY TRACEABLE

TO THIS GROUP OF MEN -- FIVE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT

AND TWISTED GENIUSES IN AMERICA,

PERHAPS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD --

LIVING AND WORKING TOGETHER, ISOLATED, PROTECTED,

AND FUNDED BY A GOVERNMENT CONTRACT

SO BRILLIANTLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE THAT NO ONE,

EVEN AT THE HIGHEST WASHINGTON LEVELS,

KNEW ITS REAL ACTIVITIES.

THIS GROUP, IN THE NAME OF FREE SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY,

PERPETRATED A SERIES OF SCENARIOS SO SINISTER,

SO BIZARRE, AND SO CHILDISHLY PERVERSE,

THAT RATIONAL MEN ARGUE THAT THE CIVILIZATION

WHICH HAD COME SO FAR IN SO SHORT A TIME

WAS FINALLY COLLAPSING.

DR. CARL BECKER, DIRECTOR OF THE INSTITUTE.

EXCUSE ME, DR. BECKER?

OH, YES?

HOW DID THE FIVE OF YOU MEET?

WE WERE ALL SENT OUT HERE SOME YEARS AGO

BY SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

FOR THE BEST MINDS TO BE PUT TOGETHER

IN A GOOD ENVIRONMENT WITH UNLIMITED FUNDS.

AND WHAT WERE YOU ALL SUPPOSED TO DO?

OH, THINK.

A THINK TANK. WHAT ABOUT?

THE USUAL -- YOU KNOW, THE FOOD SHORTAGE,

ECOLOGY, ENERGY, THAT SORT OF THING.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE WORLD.

WHAT WENT WRONG?

NOTHING WENT WRONG.

WE JUST GOT INTO MORE INTERESTING MATERIAL.

THAT'S ALL.

MORE INTERESTING MATERIAL. WHAT KIND OF MATERIAL?

OH, A LITTLE THIS, A LITTLE THAT.

HUNDERTWASSER DOES ALL OF OUR MEDIA WORK.

UH, THIS DEVICE ALLOWS US TO JAM

ALL THE NIELSEN BOXES IN THE COUNTRY.

I SEE. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE TELEVISION RATING SYSTEM.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE'VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS.

WE SUBSTITUTE OUR OWN INFORMATION,

USING MICROWAVES FROM ROVING VANS.

MMM.

YOU SEE THAT? TOTAL ENVIRONMENT CONTROL.

THE ENTIRE COUNTRY? THAT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE.

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT.

UH, WE PICK A SHOW AT RANDOM

AND FEED A WINNING SHARE INTO THE NIELSEN BOXES,

LIKE, UH... YOU GOT A MINUTE?

SEE? "DONNY & MARIE HEFTY 60 SHARE --

AUDIENCE OF 70 MILLION."

NOW, WE HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT ON THAT NIGHT,

THERE WERE ONLY 1,200 PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY

WHO WATCHED THAT PARTICULAR SHOW, NOT 70 MILLION.

WELL, THAT'S AMAZING.

THAT'S RIGHT. THE IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER

IS THAT NIELSEN IS TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING.

DR. BARUNDI CONCEIVED AND WORKED WITH THE CHINESE

ON THE NIXON SUBSTITUTION SCENARIO.

THE NIXON SUBSTITUTION SCENARIO?

WHAT WAS THAT EXACTLY?

THE NIXON WHO ENTERED CHINA IN 1972

WAS NOT THE ONE WE SENT BACK.

FICHANDER -- CHEMISTRY, BIOLOGY, AND PHARMACEUTICALS.

UH, I HAVE SOME THINGS HERE.

WE'RE INTO SEVERAL AREAS, ACTUALLY --

VIRUSES, SOME PHAGE CLONING,

DNA, CRYSTALLINE DIFFRACTION.

AHH.

I DID THE NEW PENICILLIN-RESISTING

GONORRHEA STRAIN A FEW YEARS AGO, REMEMBER?

IT WAS IN ALL THE PAPERS. NOBODY COULD FIGURE IT OUT.

AND VAN DONGEN IS DOING SOME VERY NICE STUFF

WITH GENETICS AND ADAPTATION.

GENETICALLY SPEAKING, MAN IS VERY UNSTABLE.

HE'S SORT OF AN INFERIOR PRODUCT OF NATURE.

GENES ARE VULNERABLE

TO A VARIETY OF OUTSIDE INFLUENCES --

TO RADIATION, CHEMICALS, STRESS.

ON THE OTHER HAND, CERTAIN INSECTS --

THE COMMON ROACH, FOR INSTANCE --

ARE VERY RESISTANT TO MUTATION.

NOW, IF WE COULD CROSS-BREED A HUMAN WITH A ROACH,

THEN WE WOULD HAVE A SPECIES

THAT COULD LAST FOR, UH, 10 BILLION YEARS!

IT IS NOW ACCEPTED, AS WE FIT THE PIECES TOGETHER,

THAT THE ENTIRE UNPLEASANTNESS

WAS THE FAULT OF THIS BECKER PERSON,

AND THAT THE CATASTROPHE FOUND ITS BEGINNINGS,

AS SO MANY DO,

IN THE MOST CASUAL INNOCENT REMARK,

IN THIS CASE, A SMALL ARTICLE IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

NOW, SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH THIS HERE.

GALLUP SAYS THAT OVER 60% OF AMERICANS

NOW FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE EXTRATERRESTRIALS

OUT THERE SOMEWHERE TRYING TO CONTACT US.

OH, RIGHT. I LOVE IT.

ANYBODY?

ERIC? ARAM?

WE COULD GIVE THEM...

WHAT THEY WANT.

I THINK I GOT ONE.

NO, I THINK I GOT A GOOD ONE.

WHAT?

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.

WHAT IF A SPACESHIP LANDS,

AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL STEPS OUT.

WHAT HAPPENS? WHAT IS IT?

WHAT HAPPENS, AND WHAT IS THE EFFECT ON THE POPULATION?

PANIC? IS IT HYSTERIA? IS IT DEPRESSION?

MASS SUICIDE? IS IT WAR? IS IT THE END OF WAR?

IS IT RELIGIOUS REVIVALS? YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

WE COULD FIND OUT.

HOW? FAKE IT.

FAKE IT? HOW?

ALL YOU NEED IS THE RIGHT ORPHAN.

AN ORPHAN? WHY DO YOU NEED AN ORPHAN?

BECAUSE AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL, ERIC,

MUST NOT BE TRACEABLE TO EARTH-BORN PARENTS.

I LIKE THIS, LEON.

IT HAS TEXTURE AND SCOPE.

ALL RIGHT. NOW WE FIND OUR ORPHAN.

FIND A LITTLE ORPHAN, DO A LITTLE JOB ON HIM.

Man: A FEW CHANGES HERE AND THERE -- BLOOD, THE VARIOUS FLUIDS.

I HAVE A THOUGHT ABOUT A PRIMAL TRAUMA!

AT THE END OF ALL THIS, THE COUNTRY DISCOVERS

E.T. HAS BEEN LIVING RIGHT AMONG THEM ALL ALONG!

INCREDIBLE.

LET'S GET DORIS IN ON THIS. HELLO, DORIS.

Doris: YES, DR. BECKER?

HOW ARE YOU, DORIS?

HOW AM I? I'M PERFECT. YOU KNOW THAT.

LET ME SEE WHAT YOU CAN FIND ON A WHITE AMERICAN MALE,

BETWEEN THE AGES OF 25 AND 40,

AN ORPHAN WHOSE PARENTS ARE UNTRACEABLE. URBAN.

JUST A MINUTE. I'M SEARCHING.

YEAH, HE'S COMING. I CAN FEEL IT.

HOW ABOUT AN ASSISTANT PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY --

SIMON MENDELSSOHN?

HE'S PERFECT.

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

OKAY, STAY WITH ME NOW, BECAUSE THIS IS REALLY GREAT.

NUCLEAR ROCKETS, HUGE ONES, HUNDREDS OF THEM,

ON ONE SIDE OF THE WORLD --

AND WHEN THE PLANET RUNS OUT OF FOOD AND AIR AND WATER,

WHICH IT WILL, PROBABLY, WHAT DO WE DO?

HUH? ANYBODY.

WHAT DO WE DO?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE DO.

WE TURN THE PLANET INTO A SPACE SHIP,

AND WE MOVE TO ANOTHER SOLAR SYSTEM

WHERE THERE IS FOOD AND WATER AND AIR.

IT CAN HAPPEN. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

DARE TO DREAM.

USE THE RIGHT SIDE OF YOUR BRAINS --

INTUITION, IMAGINATION, DREAMS, UNCERTAINTY.

REMEMBER WE TALKED ABOUT THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE?

WELL, HEISENBERG IS PREDATED

A THOUSAND YEARS BY THE ZEN POETS --

A THOUSAND YEARS!

YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD WITH AN IDEA.

BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK OF THE IDEA FIRST.

YEAH -- HA HA HA. LISTEN.

WITTGENSTEIN SAID -- LISTEN TO THIS --

"I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I DO NOT KNOW."

HUH? IS THAT FANTASTIC?

"I DO NOT KNOW WHAT" --

YES, PAM. WHAT IS IT?

UH, IS THIS GOING TO BE ON THE FINAL?

DORIS WAS RIGHT. HE'S PERFECT.

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A FEW PERSONAL DETAILS

FROM HIS EARLY CHILDHOOD.

I NEED FRESH SAMPLES

OF HIS THREE MAJOR BODILY FLUIDS.

Lisa: I NEVER HEARD OF A SENSORY-DEPRIVATION TANK.

Simon: IT'S COMPLETELY SAFE, LISA. STOP WORRYING.

WHAT IS THIS? LOOKS LIKE A COFFIN.

VERY GOOD. IT'S THE CRATE A COFFIN COMES IN.

I GOT IT FROM JERRY EPSTEIN'S UNCLE,

WHO DRIVES A HEARSE FOR FRANKIE CAMPBELL'S.

SIMON, I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING THAT ISN'T TOTALLY SUPPORTIVE. THEN DON'T.

EXCEPT DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME

WITH THE PEYOTE?

NOTHING HAPPENED WITH THE PEYOTE.

YOU THREW UP FOR FIVE DAYS!

YOU WERE DIZZY, YOU MISSED YOUR CLASS,

YOU MADE SOUNDS LIKE A WOLF HOWLING.

THREE DAYS IS A COMPLETELY NORMAL SIDE EFFECT,

AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

SIMON, ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ONE OF THESE

WONDERFUL SCIENTIFIC LEAPS,

AND I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO CATCH YOU.

VERY NICE. VERY POETIC.

DO ME A FAVOR. HAND ME THE PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER.

YOU'RE A BRILLIANT MAN. YOU COULD MAKE A CONTRIBUTION.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO LIE IN A COFFIN

FROM JERRY EPSTEIN'S UNCLE FOR? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THIS IS THE GREATEST SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH TOOL

SINCE THE INVENTION OF THE MICROSCOPE, LISA!

SINCE THE MICROSCOPE!

SAYS WHO?

SAYS EVERYBODY. ME.

IS THIS YOUR MATTRESS HERE?

YES, IT IS. IT'S A NEW FIELD, LISA. I'M A PIONEER.

YOU EVER SEE FARADAY'S LAB, OR FERMI'S, OR MADAME CURIE'S?

OR THE ATOMIC PILE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO?

FLIMSY STUFF -- IT'S ALL JERRY-BUILT.

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN -- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH YOUR RED SHIRT?

WHAT?

THE RED SHIRT THAT CAME BACK MANGLED FROM THE LAUNDRY.

LISA, STOP PLAYING HOUSE! I'M ON THE VERGE HERE!

THIS IS GONNA DO IT FOR ME! REALLY?

YEAH! IT'S INCREDIBLE!

A GUY NAMED JOHN LILY INVENTED IT.

HERE. LOOK AT THIS.

A SIMPLE TANK FILLED WITH WATER.

YOU GET IN. YOU FLOAT THERE.

NO LIGHT, NO SOUND, NO FEELING OF GRAVITY -- NOTHING.

THE BRAIN IS DEPRIVED OF ALL SENSORY INPUT,

SO IT STARTS TO TURN IN ON ITSELF.

YOU GET DISORIENTED. YOU GET AFRAID.

YOU START TO PANIC. MASSIVE ANXIETY ENSUES.

IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU EVEN HALLUCINATE.

THE BRAIN EXAMINING ITSELF, LISA!

HI, SIMON.

JOSH, YOU GOT IT. GREAT.

WHAT IS THAT? IT LOOKS ELECTRIC.

HI, LISA. E.E.G. I COPPED IT FROM THE PRIMATE LAB.

SIMON, YOU SHOULDN'T STEAL EQUIPMENT.

OH, NO? HARVEY STOLE CADAVERS FROM THE CEMETERY.

HARVEY MILLSTEIN FROM THE ECONOMICS DEPARTMENT?

HARVEY. SIR WILLIAM HARVEY.

CIRCULATION OF THE BLOOD -- 1628!

IT WAS A JOKE, SIMON. LIGHTEN UP.

LISA, GO GET A CUP OF COFFEE.

I DON'T WANT A CUP OF COFFEE. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GET A CUP OF COFFEE. I'LL PICK YOU UP LATER, OKAY?

YEAH. WHAT TIME?

MONDAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "MONDAY"? THIS IS THURSDAY.

RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "RIGHT"?

ARE YOU GONNA LIE IN THIS THING FOR THREE DAYS?

YOU WILL DISSOLVE.

I WON'T DISSOLVE. IT'S ONLY 80 HOURS.

SIMON, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO FILL OUT A LOT OF FORMS.

DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT WANT ME TO WIN A NOBEL PRIZE?

YES, IF YOU WEAR THAT TO THE CEREMONY.

OKAY. LET'S RUN THE LIST.

SIMON, ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS THING?

WHY IS IT I'M THE LAST ONE TO KNOW?

THE YAKAMURAS ARE COMING TO DINNER.

SWEETIE, EVERYTHING'S COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL.

MM-HMM. AND I'VE GOT A DUCK DEFROSTING IN THE SINK.

SHH.

OKAY.

[ DEVICE BEEPING ]

JOSH, WHAT'S THE LONG --

SHH!

What's the longest

anybody ever stayed in one of these things?

Robert Willer up at Stanford did about 50 hours.

50? He said he's gonna do 80.

It could be a major breakthrough.

Well, what happened to this guy from Stanford? Was he okay?

Sure.

Aside from some libido-energy blockage

and subsequent ego-projection fantasies.

What are you talking about? What happened?

Well, when he came out, he was convinced

he'd turned into a 6-foot-tall penis named Bob.

Other than that, he's perfectly normal.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

HOW LONG WAS I IN, THE FULL 80?

ABOUT 63 SECONDS.

63 SECONDS? ARE YOU SURE?

MY GOD. I MUST BE ALL KEYED UP. OKAY, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

WHOA, SIMON. I THINK YOU'D BETTER GET UP.

GET THE, UH --

DON'T TOUCH THAT PUMP! IT'S NOT GROUNDED!

NO, SIMON. [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

PULL THE PLUG! OOH!

SIMON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I GOT TO GET A GRANT.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU MUST BE SIMON MENDELSSOHN.

YOU ARE. AM I RIGHT?

YES?

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M CARL BECKER,

AND I THINK YOU MAY BE AN AUTHENTIC GENIUS.

BYE.

I SEE JUMANSKE IS DOING

SOME INTERESTING THINGS WITH NEUTRINOS.

I HEARD FROM KIERLOV.

HE SAYS HE'S THREE MONTHS FROM A UNIFIED FIELD THEORY.

Hundertwasser: POOR KIERLOV. ALWAYS PREMATURE.

AND MISHA.

OH, DON'T EVEN MENTION MISHA.

LARGE MYLAR REFLECTORS --

ABOUT FIVE MILES SQUARE, LAUNCHED FROM ROCKETS.

WHAT?

REFLECTORS IN SYNCHRONOUS ORBIT,

22,000 MILES OVER NEBRASKA.

WHY?

24-HOUR-A-DAY SUNLIGHT, RIGHT?

CONTINUOUS GROWING CYCLE.

TWICE AS MUCH CORN.

VERY PRETTY. VERY PRETTY.

YOU SHOULD MAKE OUT SOME EQUATIONS.

OH, BLADES.

SIR?

IS IT THE LATAGE?

IT IS, SIR -- THE '17.

IT HAS A LOVELY NOSE.

THANK YOU, SIR.

OH, I DO SO DISLIKE THE '68.

IT'S SO PUSHY.

YEAH, I HATE IT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS, DR. BECKER, BUT --

CARL, PLEASE. CARL.

ALL MY LIFE I'VE HOPED THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY...

AND NOW THIS, AND YOU, AND THOSE GUYS.

MY GOD, THEY'RE ALL SO BRILLIANT,

AND THAT INDIAN GUY WITH THE MYLAR REFLECTORS?

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

BARUNDI? HE WAS JUST SHOWING OFF.

OH, YEAH? FOR WHO?

YOU, OF COURSE.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I'M -- I'M SPEECHLESS.

HERE IT IS, SIMON. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK?

YOU SAW WHAT THEY GAVE ME AT SCHOOL --

THAT LITTLE CLOSET IN THE BASEMENT.

ANYTHING YOU WANT, SIMON, JUST REQUISITION IT --

FROM A PAPER CLIP TO A MICROSCOPE.

THE ONLY LIMIT IS YOUR OWN IMAGINATION.

I-I DON'T KNOW. I'M...I'M...

I'M WITHOUT THE ABILITY -- I CAN'T, UH --

I...I...

WE KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOME WONDERFUL WORK.

WELL, I'LL CERTAINLY -- I'LL DO EVERY --

I'LL MAKE -- I'D LIKE TO --

[ SPEAKING FARSI ]

EXCUSE ME?

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HELLO.

SO GLAD. CYNTHIA MALLORY. SIMON MENDELSSOHN.

DR. MALLORY IS ON THE STAFF. OH, GOOD.

HAS EXPRESSED AN INTEREST IN WORKING WITH YOU.

OH, THAT'S NOT --

I NEED SOMEBODY WITH A VERY ECLECTIC BACKGROUND --

A SOLID FOUNDATION, ALL THE SCIENCES,

LITERATURE AND PHILOSOPHY -- WHAT'S YOUR FIELD?

WELL, I HAVE AN MD FROM JOHNS HOPKINS,

A PhD FROM CAMBRIDGE IN BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOLOGY,

MASTERS FROM THE SORBONNE

IN CONTEMPORARY FRENCH LITERATURE... OH, MY GOD.

PARTICULARLY THE ABSURDISTS -- SARTRE, CAMUS.

YES, I READ MANY --

MY UNDERGRADUATE WORK WAS COMPLETED AT SWARTHMORE --

TWO YEARS, SUMMA CUM LAUDE.

MON DIEU.

YES.

I'VE WORKED WITH KIPLINGER IN VIENNA,

OLAFSSON IN STOCKHOLM, EPSTEIN IN GENEVA. YES.

OF COURSE, YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORK ON PINEAL GLAND

BIORHYTHMS AND ACETAL TRANSFERASE ACTIVITY

IN CHICKENS AND RATS.

YES, EPSTEIN AND RATS AND CHICKENS.

MY NEW BOOK, ENTITLED "A COMPREHENSIVE HISTORY

OF ORAL SEX TECHNIQUES" -- ILLUSTRATED --

HAS ALREADY BEEN PROCLAIMED A MASTERPIECE

BY BOTH NORMAN MAILER AND BESS MEYERSON,

AND HAS AN ADVANCED PRINTING OF 100,000 COPIES.

WHO'S YOUR PUBLISHER?

KNOPF.

LET'S TRY IT OUT -- TRY IT OUT FOR A WEEK.

I'M WORKING ON WHAT I CALL A GENERAL THEORY OF CREATIVITY.

REALLY? JUST LIKE ALBERT EINSTEIN.

I BELIEVE THAT INSIDE OF EVERYBODY -- EVERYBODY --

IS A GENIUS WAITING TO BE RELEASED.

THE SECRET IS, YOU GOT TO GET YOURSELF

INTO A CHAOTIC ENOUGH MENTAL STATE.

THEN THE GOOD MATERIAL CAN BREAK THROUGH

FROM THE UNCONSCIOUS.

WELL, HOW DO YOU ACCOMPLISH THIS?

OH, ANY WAY YOU CAN -- CHEMICALS, SLEEP LOSS,

FASTING, DEEP-BREATHING.

DID YOU KNOW THAT IF I HYPERVENTILATE FOR 10 MINUTES,

I REALLY DO SOME VERY INTERESTING THINGS CREATIVELY.

[ SINGING OPERA IN GERMAN ]

WHERE YOU FELLOWS MAY BE WRONG --

AND YOU'LL FORGIVE ME IF I THROW 500 YEARS

OF SCIENCE OUT THE WINDOW WITH THIS --

IS WHAT IF IT'S ALL SUBJECTIVE?

I MEAN, THE UNIVERSE CONTAINS NOT ONE TRUTH,

BUT AN INFINITE NUMBER OF TRUTHS, RIGHT?

OKAY. FOLLOW ME.

TAKE YOUR BLACK HOLE, FOR EXAMPLE.

YOUR BLACK HOLE IS POPULAR NOW, I SUBMIT,

BECAUSE WHAT YOU GOT OUT THERE IS A BUNCH

OF DEPRESSED SCIENTISTS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET ANY HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED SCIENTISTS

INVENTING A BIG OBJECT, A BLACK THING,

THAT SUCKS YOU INTO A NOODLE-SHAPED OBJECT

FIVE MILLION MILES LONG

AND EATS YOU UP IF YOU GET TOO CLOSE TO IT.

[ SPITS ] THINK ABOUT IT. HMM?

VERY GOOD, SIMON.

THANK YOU, BLADES. VERY FRUITY.

HOW'S HE DOING?

HE THINKS HE'S DOING JUST GREAT.

IS HE WATCHING RIGHT NOW?

HE'S WATCHING. SMILE.

IS HE RESISTING YOU?

RESISTING? WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

HE HAS THE PERFECT ENVIRONMENT, THE PERFECT EQUIPMENT,

THE PERFECT FANTASY, THE PERFECT WOMAN. [ CHUCKLES ]

I THINK WE CAN MOVE AHEAD SWIFTLY NOW.

Becker: THE KEY IS DEATH.

IF YOU SPOKE OF DEATH A LOT,

IT WOULD MAKE HIM SEXUALLY EXCITED.

HE'S THAT TYPE.

WE'RE DROWNING IN A SEA OF FACTS.

THE LEFT HALF OF THE BRAIN IS RE-CREATING

THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ITS OWN IMAGE.

I THINK THAT'S BETTER THAN IF THE LIVER

WAS RE-CREATING THE WORLD IN ITS OWN IMAGE, OR THE KIDNEY.

IF AN ORGAN IS GOING TO RE-CREATE THE WORLD --

THAT'S AN INTERESTING THEORY.

THAT'S QUITE BRILLIANT, IN FACT.

HOW DID YOU GET SO BRILLIANT?

MUST RUN IN THE FAMILY.

OH, YES?

YEAH. MY FATHER WAS THE MOST BRILLIANT RESEARCH PHYSICIST

ON THE ENTIRE H-BOMB PROJECT --

UNTIL THE ACCIDENT, ANYWAY.

WHAT ACCIDENT WAS THAT?

WELL, HE WAS IN CHARGE

OF THE FINAL ARMING OF THE BOMB ON ANAWETAUK.

OH, YES.

APPARENTLY, HE FELL ASLEEP IN THE TOWER.

NO ONE KNEW ABOUT IT.

THE DETONATION WENT OFF ON SCHEDULE.

YOU MEAN --

YES. MY FATHER WAS COMPLETELY VAPORIZED.

MY GOD.

DO YOU FIND THIS MORBID?

I CERTAINLY DO. PLEASE CONTINUE.

MY GRANDFATHER WAS A STUDENT

UNDER THE GREAT RADIOLOGIST WILHELM ROENTGEN IN MUNICH.OH, .

TOGETHER THEY DISCOVERED THAT IF YOU PLACE YOUR HAND

IN FRONT OF A PHOTOGRAPHIC PLATE

AND BOMBARD IT WITH HIGH-INTENSITY X-RAYS

THAT YOU CAN SEE THE SKELETON UNDERNEATH.

MM-HMM.

IN 1901, WILHELM ROENTGEN GOT THE NOBEL PRIZE.

MY GRANDFATHER'S HAND DROPPED OFF.

OH, MY GOD.

YEAH.

THE LITTLE GUY ALWAYS GETS THE SHAFT.

IT'S SO TRUE.

MY HUSBAND WAS A PSYCHIATRIST.

HE SPECIALIZED IN CONTEMPORARY SUICIDE.

WAS A PSYCHIATRIST?

MM-HMM. ONE DAY HE TOOK A BOTTLE OF SECONAL

AND JUMPED OFF THE ROOF.

OH, MY GOD. HE MUST HAVE SUFFERED TERRIBLY.

WELL, I FEEL THAT HE WAS PROBABLY SLEEPING

BY THE TIME HE PASSED THE THIRD FLOOR.

[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ SINGING OPERA IN ITALIAN ]

[ PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES ]

[ SINGING OPERA ]

[ VOCALIZING ]

[ SINGING FADES ]

DID YOU GET THE FLUIDS?

DID YOU GET 'EM? DID YOU GET 'EM?

"DID YOU GET 'EM? DID YOU GET 'EM?"

[ CHUCKLES ] ARE THEY FRESH?

THEY'RE FRESH.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

Van Dongen: DID YOU TELL THE FATHER STORY? YES.

AND THE HUSBAND ANECDOTES?

YES, YES, YES.

I DESIGNED THOSE ANECDOTES SPECIFICALLY

TO EXCITE HIM, TO ENTHRALL HIM WITH YOU.

HIS FEELINGS ABOUT ME

ARE NOT BASED ON YOUR LITTLE STORIES, I CAN ASSURE YOU.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, WHAT ARE THEY BASED ON, THEN?

SOMETHING I DO WITH MY TONGUE.

CYNTHIA, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

YES. THAT'S WHY IT WORKS.

BITCH. PIMP.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST CALM DOWN.

THIS SHOULD BE A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

ERIC, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

WELL, CARL, I THINK THE NEW TANK OF HIS IS THE KEY.

SEE, MY FEELING IS, WHAT HE'S SEARCHING FOR

DURING THESE IMMERSIONS -- ALTHOUGH HE DOESN'T KNOW IT --

IS HIS REAL MOTHER,

THE ONE WHO ABANDONED HIM WHEN HE WAS AN ORPHAN.

SO THE NEXT TIME HE GETS IN THE TANK,

LEAVE HIM IN FOR 200 HOURS!

THAT'S OVER A WEEK.

HIS BRAIN'S GONNA TURN TO TAPIOCA.

OH, I WOULDN'T THINK SO.

IT'LL JUST MAKE HIM VERY RECEPTIVE.

TO WHAT?

WE'RE GOING TO GIVE HIM A WHOLE NEW BIRTH MEMORY.

HAS IT GOT A RED LIGHT AND A WHITE LIGHT? GOOD.

SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO CHECK THE MONITOR HERE?

SEE IF THE TWO THINGS ARE GOING

WITH THE TWO OTHER THINGS WITH THE LIGHTS.

YEAH, IT'S FINE.

THIS IS A TEST RUN, SO GET ME OUT IN AN HOUR, OKAY?

LET'S PLUG IN.

[ BEEPING ]

TERRIFIC. HOOD, PLEASE.

OKAY, ONE SECOND.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

OKAY.

Simon: HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. CAN YOU READ ME OUT THERE?

I HOPE YOU'RE TAKING GOOD NOTES OUT THERE.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. A, B, C. HELLO, HELLO.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] OKAY.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] I'M INSIDE THE TANK.

IT'S VERY, VERY INTERESTING.

WATER TEMPERATURE IS...

[ SNORING ]

[ Slurred speech ] HELLO.

HELLO...

HELLO, BABY...

OH, WEIRD SHOES.

A THOUSAND PARDONS, SIRE.

I AM BUT A HUMBLE SERF. [ GROANS ]

I HAVE SPOKEN WITH EURIPIDES, AND HE SAYS...

AHH...

AHH...

[ SNORING ]

[ GURGLING ]

[ SPLASHING ]

OH! SNAKE!

[ SNORING ]

OKAY, OPEN IT UP.

BUT IT'S ONLY 197 HOURS.

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

Barundi: HE'S REGRESSED COMPLETELY.

REGRESSED TO WHERE? INFANCY?

NO, FARTHER THAN THAT.

ABOUT 500 MILLION YEARS.

EVERY HUMAN BRAIN CARRIES THE MEMORY

OF OUR EVOLUTION.

HE'S BEEN THROUGH THE ENTIRE EVOLUTIONARY CHAIN.

HE HAS TO FIND HIS WAY BACK.

NOW, SEE, HE'S A TINY SEA ORGANISM.

PLANKTON.

Van Dongen: WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?

Man: THAT'S A JELLYFISH.

A JELLYFISH.

AND LOOK AT THAT, CARL.

WE'VE GOT FLIPPERS AND FINS HERE.

NOW HE'S STARTING TO SWIM.

[ MONKEY CHATTER ]

[ EPIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

NOW HE'S TRYING TO WALK ERECT.

HEY, THAT'S AUSTRALOPITHECINE!

THAT'S PITHECANTHROPUS!

JAVA MAN!

HOMO ERECTUS!

OH, HE'S DISCOVERED HIS OWN SEXUALITY.

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ]

WHERE MY HOLE?

WHERE MY HOLE?

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ]

HE'S INVENTING LANGUAGE!

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ]

HA HA HA!

[ CHANTING GIBBERISH ]

LOOK AT THAT, CARL!

HE'S DOING A DANCE OF JOY TO THE HARVEST!

[ CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ GASPS ] TOO MUCH JOY. WE GET GUILT AND RELIGION.

[ PEPPY BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYS ]

NOW HE'S BECOMING... CIVILIZED!

[ METAL CLANGING ]

HE'S BECOME AN ARTISAN.

HE'S MAKING OBJECTS.

HE'S ON AN ASSEMBLY LINE.

IT'S -- IT'S THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION!

[ ENGINE GRINDING ]

[ JACKHAMMER POUNDING ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

[ Echoing ] WAIT!

THIS WILL BRING HIM UP INTO TWILIGHT SLEEP.

HE'LL OBSERVE EVERYTHING,

BUT IT'LL PASS DIRECTLY INTO HIS DEEPEST MEMORY

THROUGH HIS UNCONSCIOUS.

POOR LONELY SIMON.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE LONELY, SIMON?

[ GRUNTS ] BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ORPHAN.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE...

OR WHERE YOU COME FROM.

OPEN YOUR EYES, SIMON.

IT'S JULY 7, 1938 -- YOUR FIRST DAY ON EARTH.

[ Groggily ] WHO IS THAT?

Woman: WHO IS IT? YOUR MOTHER. WHO ELSE?

MY MOTHER?

SONIA MENDELSSOHN?

NO, NO. YOUR REAL MOTHER.

MOTHER.

WHERE ARE YOU, MOTHER?

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, DARLING.

THE SPACESHIP?

ARE YOU IN THE SPACESHIP?

SIMON, I AM THE SPACESHIP.

BUT YOU'RE JUST A MACHINE.

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SOME GRATITUDE FROM A SON.

HOW CAN A HUMAN BEING

HAVE A MOTHER WHO'S A MACHINE, MOTHER?

SIMON, OUR PLANET IS 50 BILLION YEARS AHEAD OF EARTH.

WE CAN MAKE HUMANS THE WAY HUMANS MAKE TOASTERS.

YOU MADE ME?

WHAT, THEN? YOU MADE YOURSELF?

OH, NO!

I'M SCARED!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, LITTLE BOBITCHKENS.

DON'T WORRY. IT'S A GOOD RECIPE --

A LITTLE PROTEIN, SOME NICE AMINO ACIDS.

IT'LL LAST FOR ALMOST 40 YEARS, I GUARANTEE.

AND THEN WHAT?

AND THEN YOU FALL APART.

NO!

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT, SIMON?

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER, NOT EVEN A TOASTER.

NO, DON'T! WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME?

THEY NEED HELP, SIMON.

I WANT YOU TO SAVE THE WORLD.

SAVE THE WORLD?

I CAN'T EVEN GET A REGULAR CHECKING ACCOUNT, MA.

GOODBYE, SIMON.

NO, DON'T LEAVE ME, MA.

MA, DON'T LEAVE ME!

MA! DON'T BE FRIGHTENED.

I'M LEAVING YOU IN FRONT OF THE ORPHANAGE.

GOODBYE!

DON'T LEAVE ME.

MA. COME BACK, MA.

[ BABY CRIES ]

SOMETHING HAPPENED.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S JUST FIGURE IT OUT LOGICALLY.

OH, OOH! BAD DREAM.

NOT DREAMS, SIMON. THOSE WERE MEMORIES.

MEMORIES? YES.

DON'T BE FRIGHTENED, SIMON.

WE'RE HERE TO HELP.

HELP?

Man: SEARCH FOR IT.

SEARCH?

BE WHO YOU ARE.

WHO I ARE.

YOUR PARENTS -- WHO ARE THEY?

WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?

OOH! WHO ARE YOU?

OOH! WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?

[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ]

SIMON, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WAITING.

EXTRAORDINARY.

THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES, THE RECOGNITION.

[ SPEAKS GIBBERISH ] BOOK. KNOPF.

WAKE UP, SIMON!

WHO ARE YOU, SIMON?

WAIT.

MM-HMM. WHO ARE YOU?

I KNOW, I KNOW. YES.

MY MOTHER...M-MADE ME.

YES.

I'M...I'M A RECIPE.

GO WITH IT, SIMON.

MY MOTHER -- A BIG WHITE ONE --

A THING -- FLOATING... YES.

[ MAKES SPACESHIP NOISES ]

YES! OH, I'M --

WHAT ARE YOU?

I--I...

OH, GOD.

I'M A TOASTER!

YES?

YES, A TOASTER. I SAID IT.

I CAN SAY IT!

OH, YES. YES.

OH! I FEEL GOOD NOW.

[ CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ AMEN, AMEN ♪

♪ AMEN, AH-MEN ♪

♪ AMEN, AMEN ♪

♪ AMEN, AH-MEN ♪

AND TO CLOSE, THIS ITEM FROM HANOVER, MAINE.

SCIENTISTS FROM A RESEARCH FACILITY NEAR HERE

REPORTED THAT THEY WERE HOLDING SOMEONE

WHO WAS CLAIMING TO BE AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL.

THIS FOOTAGE, SUPPLIED BY STATION WHKC IN BANGOR,

SHOWS SIMON MENDELSSOHN, A STAFF MEMBER

AT THE INSTITUTE FOR ADVANCED CONCEPTS,

WHO, IT IS ALLEGED, WAS PLACED ON EARTH AS AN INFANT

APPROXIMATELY 40 YEARS AGO.

EXTENSIVE MEDICAL TESTS ARE UNDER WAY TO DETERMINE

IF MR. MENDELSSOHN IS, IN FACT,

OUR FIRST VISITOR FROM THE STARS

OR JUST A SELF-STYLED LUNATIC...

OR BOTH.

♪ DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO ♪

♪ DOO DOO WAH ♪

♪ OOH WAH ♪

[ "MR. SANDMAN" PLAYS IN SPANISH ]

[ SINGERS HUMMING ]

[ INSTRUMENTAL BREAK ]

[ SINGING "MR. SANDMAN" IN SPANISH CONTINUES ]

IT'S A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY.

WE CAN MAKE VIRUSES NOW.

AN ADVANCED CIVILIZATION --

THEY COULD MAKE A PERFECT HUMAN.

A REAL THREE-DIMENSIONAL HUMAN?

A HUMAN HUMAN?

THERE'S A DICHOTOMY IN THIS THAT --

IF HE'S INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM YOU OR ME,

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

WHERE IS HIS SOUL? THIS IS THE BASIC QUESTION.

HOW CAN THE MAN HAVE A SOUL? HIS MOTHER WAS A BLENDER.

THE MOST HE CAN HAVE IS A WARRANTY.

I-I THINK THAT THIS EVENT IS CLEAR PROOF

THAT THERE IS A GOD IN THE UNIVERSE.

THIS IS CLEAR PROOF THERE IS NO GOD!

YOU ARE BOTH WRONG.

THIS IS PROOF THAT THERE IS A GOD,

BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE IS DOING.

OH, COME ON!

GENTLEMEN. PLEASE, PLEASE.

[ INTERCOM BEEPS ]

GOOD MORNING, SIMON.

AH, CARL! GOOD MORNING.

YOU WANTED TO SEE US?

YES, I DID.

I WANTED TO THANK YOU ALL PERSONALLY

FOR THE EXEMPLARY WAY IN WHICH YOU HAVE HANDLED

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A VERY EXPLOSIVE SITUATION FOR YOU.

YOU SHOULD FEEL VERY, VERY PROUD.

THANK YOU.

YOU SEE, YOU'VE GIVEN THE WORLD SOMETHING FINALLY TO BELIEVE IN.

AH. AND WHAT IS THAT?

ME.

YES. SIMON, WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?

AH, YES. UH, MY STATEMENT.

COULD WE SEE IT?

SURE!

UH, TO WHOM DO YOU WISH TO MAKE THIS STATEMENT?

OH, ALL MANKIND.

FULL MEDIA COVERAGE.

COULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A MINUTE?

SURELY. THANK YOU.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, A NEW WRINKLE.

FULL MEDIA COVERAGE. I LOVE IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, WE CAN'T LET HIM MAKE THIS STATEMENT.

WHY NOT? IT'S ALREADY IN THE SCENARIO.

RELEASE IT TO THE MEDIA.

"WHY NOT?" DID YOU READ THAT THING?

THE MAN'S A WORLD-CLASS PSYCHOTIC.

UH-HUH.

DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

I SAID LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

CHEMIST!

ROACHOFILE!

PLEASE, GENTLEMEN, I BEG OF YOU --

[ KNOCKING ON GLASS ]

I'M A LITTLE PRESSED FOR TIME, CARL.

COULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A MINUTE LONGER?

I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU KEPT IT ROLLING.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE GIVE IT A TRY?

WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

ARAM. GO.

SHIPANSHA. GO.

LET'S DO IT.

SIMON, WHAT WE'VE DECIDED TO DO --

CARL, I'D LIKE TO EXPRESS

MY VERY GRAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THIS.

NOW, THIS MAN IS OBVIOUSLY INSANE.

WE CAN'T PRESENT HIM TO THE MEDIA AT THIS TIME.

Man: PLEASE STAY IN LINE. PLEASE MOVE ALONG.

PLEASE STAY IN LINE, IF YOU WILL, PLEASE.

THIS WAY. TO THE RIGHT.

TO THE RIGHT, IF YOU WILL, PLEASE,

BUT STAY IN LINE.

SHH!

[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK ]

THANK YOU, CARL, AND GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.

I'VE BEEN DOING A GREAT DEAL OF THINKING ABOUT WHO I AM

AND WHY I'VE BEEN SENT HERE TO LIVE AMONG YOU,

AND THE ANSWER IS REALLY VERY SIMPLE.

THINGS HERE ARE JUST NOT WORKING OUT VERY WELL.

YOUR JOBS ARE BORING, YOUR FOOD IS BLAND,

YOUR WATER'S POLLUTED, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK.

IS THAT NOT RIGHT?

AND THE QUESTION IS,

HOW HAVE THINGS COME TO SUCH A SORRY STATE OF AFFAIRS?

I WILL TELL YOU.

THERE IS TOO MUCH BAD STUFF AROUND --

BAD FOOD,

BAD DRINK, BAD ART, BAD IDEAS.

EVERYTHING'S ALL CLOGGED UP.

SO WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO

IS WE'RE GOING TO GET RID OF ALL THE BAD STUFF,

AND THAT WILL BE A VERY GOOD BEGINNING.

NOW, I HAVE HERE A LIST OF THINGS

WHICH I'D LIKE WRITTEN INTO THE CONSTITUTION IMMEDIATELY,

AFTER WHICH, I PROMISE YOU,

YOUR LIVES WILL BE LESS TENSE AND MORE REWARDING.

"ONE -- ALL MUZAK IN ELEVATORS, AIRPORTS, RESTAURANTS,

"AND OTHER PUBLIC ROOMS WILL CEASE IMMEDIATELY.

"TWO -- NO MORE CHILDREN OR ANIMALS MAY BE USED

"TO SELL PRODUCTS.

"THREE -- LAWYERS WHO LOSE CASES WILL GO TO JAIL

"WITH THEIR CLIENTS.

"FOUR -- NO DOCTOR MAY WRITE A DIET BOOK.

"ANY DOCTOR WHO DOES WILL IMMEDIATELY LOSE HIS LICENSE

"AND BECOME A DENTIST.

"FIVE --

"I THINK WE DON'T REALLY NEED A HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

AND A SENATE."

THE ROMANS DIDN'T HAVE ONE,

SO LET'S JUST HAVE A SENATE, OKAY?

WHICH REMINDS ME.

I THINK IT WOULD BE A VERY GOOD IDEA

IF FROM NOW ON, ALL POLITICIANS WHO APPEARED IN PUBLIC

WORE A CONE-SHAPED PARTY HAT -- NOT BAD, HUH?

"SIX -- POLLUTION.

"ANYBODY WHO OWNS A FACTORY THAT MAKES RADIOACTIVE WASTE

"HAS TO TAKE IT HOME AT NIGHT WITH HIM TO HIS HOUSE.

"SEVEN -- ANYBODY WHO SAYS, 'I'M TRYING TO GET CENTERED,'

"'YOU'RE INVADING MY SPACE,' OR 'FAR OUT'

WILL BE FINED $50."

MAKE THAT $100.

I FEEL SIMON IS BASICALLY EXPRESSING

THE UNCONSCIOUS WISHES OF THE PUBLIC, BASICALLY.

WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ON THAT, SENATOR?

I CAN'T GO ALONG WITH THAT, DICK.

I THINK THE FELLA'S DANGEROUS.

♪ YOU, YOU, YOU ♪

♪ YOU CAME OUT OF THE BLUE, BLUE, BLUE ♪

♪ YOU CAME OUT OF THE SKY, SKY, SKY ♪

♪ AND THAT IS WHY I ♪

♪ I, I ♪

♪ LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND THAT IS WHY I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ THERE'S NO ONE ELSE ABOVE YOU ♪

♪ OOH, SPACE MAN ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

SIMON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO MORE SLOWLY,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO DISTURB PEOPLE.

YOU'RE UPSET, CARL. I UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS.

I JUST THINK WE SHOULD MEET AND GO OVER YOUR MATERIAL

BEFORE YOU BROADCAST AGAIN.

NO, THAT'S QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.

WHY?

BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE IN AUTHORITY.

I'M IN AUTHORITY.

YES, CARL, OF COURSE YOU ARE.

THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO SET UP A MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT,

THE CHINESE PREMIER, THE POPE, AND WALTER CRONKITE.

I'D LIKE TO HAVE HIM TERMINATED.

TERMINATED? OH, NO. COME ON, CARL, NOT YET.

HE'S JUST STARTING TO COOK.

COULDN'T WE GIVE IT ANOTHER WEEK?

NO. HE'S OUT OF CONTROL, AND I WANT HIM KILLED.

HE'S NOT HURTING ANYBODY.

HAVE YOU READ THE NEWSPAPERS LATELY?

I NEVER READ THE NEWSPAPERS.

BUT IT'S FASCINATING.

HIS EGO IS EXPANDING EXPONENTIALLY.

COME ON, CARL. IT'S WORKING SO WELL.

WE HAVEN'T HAD A GOODIE LIKE THIS IN SIX MONTHS!

PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

BUT WE HAVE TO SLOW HIM DOWN A LITTLE.

ARAM, HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING?

I'VE BEEN DOING SOME WONDERFUL THINGS WITH MICE.

I KNOW YOU HAVE.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

THANK YOU.

WHERE WERE WE?

UH, THREE BEFORE "C."

[ MUSIC PLAYS ]

I'D LIKE TO SEE DR. CARL BECKER, PLEASE.

YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?

DO YOU HAVE A PHONE IN THAT THING?

PLEASE, LISA -- IF I MAY CALL YOU LISA --

THIS WHOLE THING IS JUST AS BAFFLING TO US

AS IT IS TO YOU.

LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO THAT MAN,

BUT HE DOES NOT COME FROM OUT OF SPACE.

WHERE IS HE, PLEASE?

I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM, BUT FIRST

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MY CLOTHES?

GERMS, LISA. GERMS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE

THE CAUSE OF HIS DEATH, NOW, DO YOU?

WELL, THERE HE IS, LISA. I HOPE HE REMEMBERS YOU.

[ SWITCH CLICKS ]

[ SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS ]

SIMON.

YOU HAVE A VISITOR.

HELLO, SIMON.

HELLO, LISA.

THEY GAVE ME THIS STUFF. THEY SAID I WAS CONTAGIOUS.

YES, HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALL CONTAGIOUS TO ME.

IS THAT TRUE? OH, YES.

OH, IT'S A VERY NICE SENTIMENT.

THAT MUST BE WHY YOU DIDN'T CALL ME FOR FIVE WEEKS.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN AFRAID THAT I'D INFECT YOU

OVER THE TELEPHONE.

NO, NO, NO. I'VE JUST BEEN VERY, VERY BUSY.

BUSY?

SIMON, WHAT -- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT LIKE THE TANK?

YOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE THIS SPACE PERSON.

I DON'T GET IT.

IT'S NOT AN EXPERIMENT. IT'S THE REAL THING.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU COME FROM OUT OF SPACE?

NOT "OUT OF SPACE,"

OUTER SPACE!

"OUT OF SPACE" DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!

SIMON, I FIND THIS VERY HARD TO ACCEPT.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE. I FIND IT HARD TO ACCEPT MYSELF.

BUT YOU ACCEPT IT?

YES, I DO.

THE MEDICAL EVIDENCE IS OVERWHELMING.

I MEAN, MY BLOOD, MY BODILY FLUIDS --

NOBODY'S SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THEM.

AND MY MEMORIES --

MY GOD, THE MEMORIES I'VE BEEN HAVING!

AND SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU PUT IT TOGETHER.

IT'S PART OF THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS.

THE REASON FOR MY BEING, MY PURPOSE, WHO I AM,

THE ALL-SEEING EYE,

THE YIN, THE YANG...

THE WAH!

YOU UNDERSTAND?

SIMON, WHEN DID YOU EAT LAST?

YOU KNOW,

YOU HAVE SERIOUS TROUBLES WITH REALITY, LISA,

DO YOU KNOW THAT? I MEAN, YOU CUT YOURSELF OFF.

I CUT MYSELF OFF?

YES, YOU DO.

I AM NOT SITTING IN A GLASS BOX WITH FAKE AIR

LIKE SOME HALF-BAKED GURU!

WHAT IS THIS THING, YOUR FLYING SUIT?

IT'S MY GARMENT. DON'T TOUCH IT.

SIMON, YOU'RE A REAL PERSON, A REGULAR PERSON.

WHERE'S YOUR RED HAT?

I AM NOT GOING TO DISCUSS COMPLEX SCIENTIFIC IDEAS

WITH SOMEBODY FROM THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT!

DON'T PATRONIZE ME, SIMON.

I WAS THERE DURING THE MESCALINE

AND DURING THE FASTING FOR THREE WEEKS

ON GRASS AND EARPHONES,

AND THIS IS ANOTHER ONE. THIS IS THE OUTER SPACE ONE.

SIMON, THEY HYPNOTIZED YOU.

YOUR FRIEND BECKER -- "MR. WIZARD" --

HE WASHED YOUR BRAIN IN A TRUNK.

NOBODY HYPNOTIZED ANYBODY.

I'M THE SAME PERSON I WAS,

EXCEPT THAT I COME FROM ANOTHER PLANET!

WHAT PLANET? WELL, HOW DO I KNOW?! THERE'S MILLIONS OF THEM OUT THERE!

IS IT VENUS?

NO, IT'S NOT VENUS.

IF YOU MUST KNOW, IT'S IN THE NEBULA ORION.

ALL RIGHT, YOU COME FROM THE NEBULA ORION.

YES, I DO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

HOW DOES ANYBODY KNOW ANYTHING?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HOW DOES ANYBODY KNOW ANYTHING?

HOW DOES ANYBODY KNOW ANYTHING?

WHAT IS THIS, AN INTERGALACTIC TALMUD LESSON?

I SIMPLY ASKED YOU, HOW DO YOU KNOW

YOU COME FROM THE ORION NEBULA.

I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS AND A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITIES!

IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHO I AM, THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT!

OKAY. OKAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

OKAY?

OKAY.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU COME SIT DOWN OVER HERE WITH ME?

WHY?

SIMON, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME -- FIVE WEEKS.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOUR BODY IS CRAWLING WITH MILLIONS OF DEADLY MICROBES.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JOIN ME?

BECAUSE I COULD DIE IN A SECOND, THAT'S WHY.

SIMON, WE COULD ALL DIE IN A SECOND.

THE WORLD COULD EXPLODE. TERRIBLE THINGS COULD HAPPEN.

COME HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'VE NEVER MADE LOVE WITH AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL BEFORE.

LISA.

IT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY DECONTAMINATED,

AND ANYWAY, WE'LL NEVER ACTUALLY TOUCH, I PROMISE.

YOU CAN'T MAKE LOVE WITHOUT TOUCHING.

WELL, YES, YOU CAN, SORT OF.

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU BROUGHT A THING? FROM HIGH SCHOOL?

MM-HMM.

MMM.

STELAZINE?

PERCODAN?

THORAZINE? STRYCHNINE?

TOO HEAVY.

I COULD USE THOSE PILLS

THAT MAKE THE MICE SOUND LIKE LOUIS ARMSTRONG.

THAT MIGHT DESTROY HIS CREDIBILITY.

TOO OBVIOUS.

I COULD MAKE HIS NOSE DROP OFF.

TOO BAROQUE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THIS?

TOMORROW MORNING HE WAKES UP, AND HE'S VERY STUPID.

HMM. ALL RIGHT, GO ON.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.

IT'S ODORLESS, COLORLESS, TASTELESS, UNTRACEABLE.

IT ATTACKS THE CORTEX AND CUTS THE INTELLIGENCE RIGHT IN HALF.

I LIKE IT. IT'S ELEGANT.

HOW LONG IS IT EFFECTIVE?

A WEEK, MAYBE A MONTH, MAYBE A YEAR.

ONE WHIFF AND THEY'LL BOTH BE REAL DOCILE.

YOU SEE, IT CUTS THE I.Q. RIGHT IN HALF.

OKAY, OKAY, WAIT NOW. UH...ALL RIGHT.

THIS ONE -- THIS ONE FEEDS ONLY THE STERILE ROOM.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

NO, WAIT! I HAD IT UPSIDE DOWN.

THAT ONE FEEDS THE REST OF THE BUILDING.

[ GAS LEAKS ]

[ Strained voice ] I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[ HISSING ]

YOU BETTER TURN THAT THING OFF.

I CAN'T. I CAN'T. IT'S STUCK.

OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO WORK?

HOW LONG DOES WHAT TAKE TO WORK?

DORIS, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

THE GAS IS DRIFTING AROUND OUT THERE.

THEY ARE GOING TO TRACE IT TO ME, TO US.

I KNOW ABOUT THE GAS. I KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I'M THE WORLD'S SMARTEST COMPUTER, RIGHT?

YES.

SO YOU WANT ME TO FIX IT. IS THAT IT, CARL?

YES, DORIS.

ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT?

I ALREADY CALLED THE PENTAGON, AND I TOLD THEM

THERE'S A LITTLE PROBLEM

WITH THAT EXTRATERRESTRIAL OF YOURS.

OH, REALLY? YES.

SO JUST CALM DOWN AND LET THEM HANDLE IT, OKAY?

OKAY, DORIS.

YOU SEE, THE GAS IS WORTHLESS, ANYWAY.

IT'S GONNA WEAR OFF IN A FEW WEEKS.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT LITHIUM CARBONATE

BECOMES VERY UNSTABLE --

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?

WHY ARE YOU STEPPING ON ME LIKE THIS?

YOU KNOW WHY.

I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO A WHOLE THING NOW, CARL.

I MEAN, I REALLY DON'T. NOT NOW.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SO SMART.

CARL.

I CAN'T HELP IT. YOU'RE SO BIG.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

I KNOW.

MAKES ME CRAZY.

OH, CARL, DON'T TOUCH MY YELLOW.

YOU KNOW, CARL, YOU'RE A VERY SICK PERSON.

I LOVE YOU, DORIS.

NOT MY WHITE, CARL. PLEASE, NOT --

I MEAN, HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?

YOU CAN'T LOVE ME. I'M A MACHINE.

I KNOW.

MAYBE THIS IS JUST INFATUATION.

CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL. LET'S RUN AWAY, DORIS.

OH, THAT'S A LOW BLOW, CARL.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW I'M BOLTED TO THE FLOOR.

[ WARBLING ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

OH, NO. DON'T DO THAT, CARL.

I'M REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD. I...I HAVE A HEADACHE.

I MEAN, I REALLY DO HAVE SUCH A HEADACHE, CARL,

AND YOU CAN IMAGINE

HOW ENORMOUS THE SIZE OF THAT HEADACHE IS.

YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN I STROKE YOUR POWER SUPPLY.

NO, I REALLY DON'T. THAT'S GREAT.

OH, IS THAT GREAT. NO, CARL, I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT.

NO, I REALLY -- DON'T TOUCH THAT PART AGAIN.

CARL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW? OH, NO.

[ MOANS ]

OH, JESUS.

I'M SORRY, DORIS.

YOU'RE SORRY? WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER MINUTE.

WELL, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I FEEL VERY USED RIGHT NOW.

[ GAS LEAKS ]

OOH, DON'T BREATHE ON ME.

WELL, SIMON, IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.

MY EGG. WHERE'S MY EGG?

I DON'T KNOW. WHERE DO YOU KEEP IT?

NO, NO. MY EGG. MY EGG.

I GET AN EGG AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.

YEAH? WELL, WHERE IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW. I'LL FIND OUT, OKAY? DON'T PANIC.

YEAH, AND TOAST.

TOAST. OF COURSE, TOAST. I'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

[ SOLDIER BARKING ORDERS IN DISTANCE ]

PBHT!

TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.

HONK!

[ LAUGHTER ]

Man: CAN YOU TELL ME YOUR NAME?

YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING YOU LIKE,

BUT DON'T CALL ME LATE FOR SUPPER!

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU BECKER? YES.

WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME

JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

THIS IS THE INSTITUTE FOR ADVANCED CONCEPTS.

WE ARE A SMALL AND NON-PROFIT RESEARCH GROUP.

WHO THE HELL ARE THEY?

THEY ARE MY STAFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M THE DIRECTOR.

TO WHOM DO I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF SPEAKING?

"PLEASURE"?

I'LL GIVE YOU "PLEASURE," YOU PANTYWAIST EGGHEAD.

JESUS H. CHRIST, WHAT A MESS!

ARMY, RIGHT?

YOU'RE WITH THE ARMY. TELL ME I'M WRONG.

KOREY. PENTAGON.

I HAVE AUTHORITY TO ESTABLISH FULL COMMAND HERE.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

IT'S A GAS.

APPARENTLY, WHOEVER BREATHES IT

LOSES ABOUT 100 POINTS OF I.Q.

STUPID-MAKING GAS, IS THAT IT? MAKES THE ENEMY STUPID.

SEEMS LIKE IT.

WELL, WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS WHO?

THE MARTIAN, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. HE DID THIS, DIDN'T HE?

HE DID WHAT? RELEASED THE GAS.

YES. OH, YE-- THAT'S LOVELY.

YES, HE DID. VERY -- YES. WHO ELSE?

IT'S A GODDAMN INVASION.

HE'S VERY DANGEROUS.

YOU MAY HAVE TO SHOOT HIM.

YOU HEARD HIM, SERGEANT. GET ON IT.

HE'S EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. TAKE NO PRISONERS.

YES, SIR. COME ON, MEN! FALL IN ON THE DOUBLE!

SIMON, THERE'S BEEN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE VERY FAST.

WE GOT TO GET YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT OF HERE.

A TERRIBLE GAS IS ESCAPING, SOME KIND OF VERY DANGEROUS GAS --

LETHAL -- AND YOUR FRIEND BECKER SAID IT'S YOUR FAULT,

THAT YOU DID IT.

HE'S GOT THE ARMY HERE -- THE WHOLE ARMY.

THEY THINK YOU'RE AN INVASION.

THEY THINK YOU ARE A MARTIAN INVASION,

AND THEY'VE GOT ORDERS TO SHOOT TO KILL.

YOUR HAT. W-WHERE'S YOUR HAT?

LISA, IS SOMETHING WRONG?

SIMON, LISTEN TO ME.

THEY DON'T LIKE YOU HERE ANYMORE,

SO THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU,

SO WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE VERY FAST.

NO, NO. I CAN'T BREATHE THE AIR. IT'S GOT DEADLY GERMS IN IT.

COME ON.

OH, NO.

HI.

OH, SIMON. SIMON!

I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD SEX.

[ ALARM SOUNDS ]

I WANT THE NAMES OF THOSE MEN!

TIME FOR NAMES LATER. YOU GOT TO GO NOW.

AAH!

COME ON! COME ON!

WHAT IS IT?

LISA, A LADY IS DANCING WITH A POTHOLDER.

GOOD! GET IN THE TRUCK.

THE MILITARY WILL PAY FOR THIS, BELIEVE YOU ME.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I'LL WREAK MY VENGEANCE.

EXCUSE ME?

I WILL WREAK MY VENGEANCE ON THEM.

SIMON, WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THE OLD TESTAMENT?

"THEY WHOMSOEVER SHALL BEATETH A PLOWSHARE INTO A BULLET,

YEA, THEN SHALL THEY KNOW THE WRATH OF MY WRATH" --

CORINTHIANS 12.

OH, WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME. I SHOULDN'T BE BREATHING.

[ BIRD CHIRPING ]

SIMON, WAKE UP.

THERE'S PEOPLE OUT HERE.

ARMY?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

DON'T BE FRIGHTENED.

WE SAW YOUR VAN.

YOU WERE SLEEPING. YOU LOOKED COLD.

WE COVERED YOU. SEE?

POLYESTER FILLING, AND THE COVER WIPES CLEAN WITH A DAMP CLOTH.

AVAILABLE FROM REMCO.

HUNGRY? WE HAVE MACARONI AND CHEESE CASSEROLE --

GOOD AND GOOD FOR YOU.

WHO ARE YOU? WHY DO YOU GUYS TALK LIKE THAT?

WE LIVE HERE AND FOLLOW THE MASTER.

WE HAVE SEEN YOU ON THE SACRED BOX.

Lisa: THE SACRED BOX?

THE SACRED BOX WITH PICTURES.

OH, TELEVISION.

WE DO NOT SPEAK ITS NAME.

I'LL RACE YOU TO THE VAN, SIMON.

NO, NO, NO, NO. THESE ARE VERY GOOD PEOPLE.

DOES THE NAME CHARLES MANSON MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

WE KNOW YOU'RE SIMON FROM OUTER SPACE.

OH, THEY KNOW WHO I AM. WILL WE?

WE KNOW OF ALL YOUR TROUBLES, BUT YOU'RE SAFE HERE.

STAY AND WORSHIP WITH US.

[ CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS SOLEMN MUSIC ]

"AND MILTY BEGAT LUCY, WHO BEGAT MARY,

WHO SPUN OFF RHODA, WHO SPUN OFF PHYLLIS."

Together: ♪ AMEN ♪

"AND AFTER SEVEN YEARS, MARY WAS CANCELED.

"AND AFTER 10 YEARS, LUCY WAS CANCELED.

"YEA, EVEN AFTER 12 YEARS,

WAS UNCLE MILTY CANCELED."

THUS, ARE WE ALL CANCELED EVENTUALLY.

♪ MMM, MMM, GOOD ♪

♪ MMM, MMM, GOOD ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT CAMPBELL'S SOUPS ARE ♪

♪ MMM, MMM, GOOD ♪

[ ORGAN PLAYING ]

♪ MMM, MMM, GOOD ♪

♪ MMM, MMM, GOOD ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT CAMPBELL'S SOUPS ARE ♪

♪ MMM, MMM ♪

♪ GOO-O-O-O-OD ♪

WHAT DO YOU DO IT FOR?

WELL, IT'S -- IT'S A WAY OF ATONEMENT.

FOR WHAT?

WELL, BEFORE I HAD MY NERVOUS BREAKDOWN,

I WAS HEAD OF PROGRAMMING

AT THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING COMPANY.

HEY! COME SEE WHAT'S IN THE BACK OF SIMON'S VAN!

OH, MY GOODNESS.

WHAT?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT HERE?

NO. WHAT?

IT'S A TV STUDIO.

HMM.

YEAH, IT'S A -- YOU SEE, IT'S A TV STUDIO ON WHEELS.

HUH.

IT'S GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR BROADCASTING.

HMM.

WELL, WHOEVER DESIGNED THIS WAS A GENIUS.

LET'S SEE.

BY USING THE LASER-DIRECTIONAL TRANSMITTING ANTENNA,

IT SAYS YOU CAN TAP INTO THE CARRIER WAVE.

YEAH.

NOW, IF THIS WORKS, YOU'LL BE APPEARING

SIMULTANEOUSLY ON ALL THREE NETWORKS.

THAT'S MORE COVERAGE THAN THE PRESIDENT GETS.

[ CHOIR VOCALIZING ]

THE ALIEN IS STILL AT LARGE AFTER HIS INITIAL GAS ATTACK

AND THE INJURING OF 46 NATIONAL GUARDSMEN

AT THE SITE OF HIS ESCAPE,

THE INSTITUTE FOR ADVANCED CONCEPTS, NEAR HANOVER, MAINE.

IN THE APPROXIMATELY 24 HOURS SINCE HIS DISAPPEARANCE

AND THE RELEASE OF THE GAS,

VIRUS, OR WHATEVER IT IS,

DOZENS OF COMMUNITIES IN A DIRECT LINE

BETWEEN BANGOR, MAINE, AND BOSTON HAVE SUFFERED

STRANGE BEHAVIOR ALTERATIONS.

AS THE POPULATION LOSES I.Q., AND --

THIS IS SIMON.

I'M BROADCASTING TO YOU FROM A SECRET LOCATION,

WHICH IS NECESSARY BECAUSE A TERRIBLE THING HAS OCCURRED.

AN ATTEMPT HAS BEEN MADE ON MY LIFE BY THE MILITARY.

YES. EARLY YESTERDAY MORNING, A BAND OF UNIFORMED THUGS --

LACKEYS OF THE DEGENERATE POWER STRUCTURE --

ATTACKED ME IN MY VERY SLEEP.

THE GOOD AND KINDLY MEN WHO HELPED ME FIND MY IDENTITY --

DR. CARL BECKER AND HIS COLLEAGUES --

WERE APPARENTLY UNABLE TO PREVENT

THIS DESPICABLE AND CRAVENLY ACT,

BUT DO NOT PANIC.

I'M UNHARMED, AND I'M IN GOOD HEALTH.

I'LL CONTINUE THESE BROADCASTS

EVERY EVENING AT THIS TIME

SO WE CAN KEEP UP OUR GOOD WORK, AND I PROMISE YOU

THAT THIS TREACHERY WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.

CERTAIN ONES SHALL BE SMITTEN, AND THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

YOU DESERVE JUSTICE, YOU PEOPLE,

JUSTICE AND A BETTER WAY OF LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, ISN'T IT?

WHO'S IN CHARGE AROUND HERE?!

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HAWAIIAN MUSIC

IN THE ELEVATORS AND THE PAPER BAND

AROUND THE BATHROOM SEATS IN THE MOTELS

AND THE BILLBOARDS THAT SAY,

"LA CERVEZA SCHAEFER CON MUCHO GUSTO"?

WHERE'S YOUR PRIDE? AND ANOTHER THING --

I WOULD LIKE NOW TO TALK ABOUT PERSONAL STYLE.

FROM NOW ON, PEOPLE CAN WEAR ON THEIR FACE

EITHER LONG SIDEBURNS, KNOWN AS MUTTON CHOPS,

OR A MUSTACHE, BUT NOT BOTH.

MUTTON CHOPS AND A MUSTACHE LOOK MORONIC,

AND THEY GIVE THE COUNTRY A VERY, VERY BAD IMAGE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

PAINTINGS ON VELVET?

PLASTIC MUSIC AND BADLY THOUGHT OUT FACIAL HAIR?

ASK YOURSELVES -- WHAT OF THE GREAT SPAN OF CIVILIZATION?

THE DRAMA AND THE SCULPTURE OF THE GREEKS,

THE POETRY OF THE JAPANESE --

[ QUOTING JAPANESE POETRY ]

THINK ABOUT IT. THINK ABOUT IT!

WHY ARE THEY KEEPING THESE THINGS FROM YOU?

WHAT OF BLAKE AND VERLAINE

AND GIOTTO AND VELAZQUEZ?

AND WHAT OF THE FORMULA FOR ORANGE JULIUS?

THE SECRET WHITE POWDER THAT MAKES IT

A DEVILISHLY GOOD DRINK -- WHY IS IT A SECRET?

I WANT THAT FORMULA!

WAKE UP!

START USING THE RIGHT HALF OF YOUR BRAINS!

YOU CAN MOVE THE WORLD WITH AN IDEA,

BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK OF IT FIRST.

HOW THE HELL DID HE DO THAT?

HE MUST HAVE PATCHED INTO A CARRIER WAVE SOMEHOW.

I ASSUME HE WAS ON THE LINE --

WATCH IT, WILL YOU? AND GET RID OF THAT BRILLO.

YEAH, IT, UH -- IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS.

I ASSUME HE WAS ON THE LINE FOR A FULL SATURATION.

YOU SEE, HUNDERTWASSER HAD THIS TRUCK --

SPEAK ENGLISH, WILL YOU?

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAW IT.

HMM.

SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS PRETTY ANGRY AT YOU.

YEAH, WELL, I GOT A FLASH FOR YOU, FRUIT-HEAD.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT. THE POINT IS, WHERE IS HE?

WHERE IS HE? WELL, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE.

WE CAN'T TRIANGULATE HIM UNTIL HE BROADCASTS AGAIN.

WEATHER SERVICE, SIR.

THE CLOUD IS BEGINNING TO DRIFT TOWARDS WASHINGTON.

HE'S GOT US BY THE MAZUMAS.

"NOW THEREFORE, O SAYETH THE LORD OF HOSTS,

"CONSIDER YOUR WAYS!

"YE HAVE SOWN MUCH AND BRING IN LITTLE.

"YE EAT, BUT YE HAVE NOT ENOUGH.

"YE DRINK, BUT YE ARE NOT FILLED WITH DRINK.

"YE CLOTHE YOU, BUT THERE IS NONE WARM,

"AND YE THAT EARNETH WAGES, EARNETH WAGES TO PUT IT

IN A BAG WITH HOLES IN IT" -- THUS SAYETH THE LORD OF HOSTS.

"CONSIDER YOUR WAYS!

"I CALL FOR A DROUGHT UPON THE LAND AND UPON THE MOUNTAINS

"AND UPON THE CORN AND UPON THE NEW WINE AND UPON THE OIL

"AND UPON THAT WHICH THE GROUND BRINGETH FORTH

"AND UPON MAN AND UPON CATTLE

AND UPON ALL THE LABOR OF THE HANDS."

[ CHOIR VOCALIZING ]

[ VOCALIZING STOPS ]

WE GET THE 8th AIRBORNE, THE 15th FIGHTERS.

WE DO A GRID PATTERN, SATURATION BOMBING.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. TOO RANDOM.

OKAY. MISSILES, RIGHT? MMM. ICBMs, MIRVs.

YOU GOT YOUR MINUTEMEN, YOUR NIKES,

YOUR REDSTONES, WHAT HAVE YOU.

WE USE BOSTON AS A CENTRAL TARGET,

LEVEL IT IF WE HAVE TO, MOVE OUTWARD.

SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? A DEPLOYMENT.

YOU CAN'T LEVEL BOSTON. IT'S AN AMERICAN CITY.

IF WE CAN TAKE HIM OUT, IT'S A SMALL SACRIFICE --

ONE CITY.

WELL, WE JUST CAN'T LET HIM RUN AMOK.

I DON'T SEE THAT WE HAVE MUCH CHOICE.

WHY DOESN'T HE JUST COME OUT AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN?

BECAUSE HE'S NOT A MAN. HE'S A THING, A MACHINE.

HE HASN'T GOT YOUR ORDINARY HUMAN SENSE OF ETHICS

AND FAIR PLAY.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO GET HIM ANGRY.

WHY NOT?

AN ADVANCED CIVILIZATION, GENERAL -- THINK ABOUT IT.

WHO KNOWS WHAT WEAPONS THEY HAVE?

HE MIGHT EVEN TRY TO EXPLODE THE SUN.

EXPLODE THE SUN? BUT THAT'S AGAINST NATURE.

HEY, YOU!

HOW ARE YOU COMING WITH THOSE COORDINATES, MISTER?

WE'VE GOT THE POSITION OF THE VAN KIND OF NARROWED DOWN, SIR.

YEAH? IT'S EITHER IN NEW JERSEY OR UTAH.

[ OPERA MUSIC PLAYS ]

WHAT IS MY PROGRAM, YOU ASK?

WHAT IS MY PLAN? WHAT IS THE SCHEME?

I WILL TELL YOU.

FROM NOW ON,

NO MORE PORTABLE RADIOS OUT ON THE STREET.

NOBODY CAN NAME THEIR CHILD

FREE, MOONBEAM, SKY, OR RAIN.

THESE ARE VERY, VERY SILLY NAMES.

NO MEMBER OF THE GOVERNMENT WHO GETS ARRESTED

MAY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT IT FOR PROFIT.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THESE GUYS WHO PULL THEIR CAR

INTO THE INTERSECTION BEFORE THE OTHER SIDE IS CLEAR,

AND THEN THE LIGHT CHANGES AND THE INTERSECTION IS BLOCKED.

LET'S GET ON THAT RIGHT AWAY.

$10,000 FINE FOR BLOCKING THE INTERSECTION.

I REALLY HATE THOSE GUYS.

I DON'T WANT ANY PANIC, NO FLEEING,

AND NO MASS EVACUATION OF THE POPULATED AREAS.

REMAIN IN YOUR HOMES. DO NOT USE THE TELEPHONE.

DO NOT TRY TO COMMUNICATE WITH ANYONE.

BREATHE AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. STAY CLOSE TO THE GROUND.

DO NOT PANIC.

REMAIN TUNED TO THIS STATION.

♪ AMEN, AMEN ♪

♪ AMEN, AH-MEN ♪

♪ AMEN ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

SIMON, THIS IS CARL BECKER.

I URGE YOU, I BESEECH YOU -- CONTACT ME.

LET'S TALK, SIMON.

LET'S COMMUNICATE.

PLEASE CALL ME, SIMON, AT AREA CODE (207) 555-8000.

"WHEN A WOMAN ACTS THE PART OF A MAN,

"SHE HAS THE FOLLOWING THINGS TO DO,

"IN ADDITION TO THE NINE GIVEN ABOVE -- THESE.

"THE PAIR OF TONGS, THE TOP, THE SWING.

"WHEN THE WOMAN HOLDS THE LINGAM IN HER YONI,

"DRAWS IT IN, PRESSES IT,

"AND KEEPS IT THUS IN HER FOR A LONG TIME,

IT IS CALLED..."

[ Gravelly voice ] "THAT'S A MIGHTY UGLY-LOOKING MOOSE HEAD YOU GOT" --

[ Irish accent ] "IT'S A GREAT WONDER

SHE WOULDN'T THINK OF THE NAILS OF ALL THE COFFINS SHE..."

"NOW, AT LAST, I CAN SPEAK TO YOU, BELOVED BROTHERS OF..."

"THE ABSENCE OF A TAIL IS EMINENTLY DISTINCTIVE OF MAN."

"ALL JAZZ MUSICIANS WILL AGREE WITH ONE OF THE..."

"WAR AND PEACE" BY LEO TOLSTOY.

AS PROMISED, "CRIME AND PUNISHMENT."

BY WHO?

[ GUNSHOT ]

SIMON, HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU THINK YOU CAN

GET AWAY WITH THIS?

LISTEN, THE PEOPLE OF THIS WORLD

ARE LUCKY THAT I'M IN THEIR MIDST.

THEY ARE, HUH? YES, THEY ARE.

SIMON, I WANT YOU TO EAT THIS.

YOU ARE VERY CRAZY FROM LOW BLOOD SUGAR. NO.

YOU'VE GOT TO EAT SOMETHING.

THINGS LOOK BETTER AFTER COCONUT.

CONTAMINATION. GET AN EGG.

NO, LOOK, THIS IS MACHINE-MADE.

IT'S UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN HANDS. AND WHAT ABOUT THE AIR?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BREATHING THAT.

YES, BUT I'M WILLING TO MAKE THAT SACRIFICE

TO RID THE WORLD OF EVIL MEN.

THE ARMY?

"I SHALL SMITE THEM!"

OH, NO, THE BIBLE AGAIN.

"I SHALL SMITE THEM, AND THEY SHALL BE LAID LOW!

YEA, EVIL, INTO THE DUST!" [ SIGHS ]

SIMON, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BACK AND SEE DR. MEDNICK

FOR A COUPLE OF SESSIONS.

MEDNICK? MEDNICK IS A FRAUD.

HE TOLD ME I WAS ALIENATED.

OF COURSE I'M ALIENATED. I'M AN ALIEN.

YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE HAVING

SOME KIND OF NERVOUS BREAKDOWN HERE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SIMON?

YOU'RE GIVING ONE TO THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?

ARE YOU GONNA GO BROADCAST NOW?

THE INITIAL EXCITEMENT, EVEN EXHILARATION,

WHICH ACCOMPANIED THE DISCOVERY OF THE ALIEN

HAS NOW GIVEN WAY TO POPULAR UNREST

AND, IN HIGHER CIRCLES, SOBER APPREHENSION.

WHO IS THIS MAN? WHERE DOES HE COME FROM?

WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM US?

THESE AND OTHER RELATED QUESTIONS ARE...

IS THIS YOUR GREAT CONTRIBUTION -- CHAOS?

WELL, IT TAKES TIME TO CHANGE BAD HABITS.

WHAT HAVE YOU CHANGED?

I AM TAKING COMMON CLAY

AND I AM TURNING IT INTO EARTHENWARE VESSELS

THAT WILL HOLD THINGS!

WATCH!

AND NON-THREATENING POPULAR --

HI, KIDS. Together: HI, SIMON!

ALL RIGHT, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO LIST FOR ME NOW

FOUR MAJOR FILMS BY THE RUSSIAN MASTER SERGEI EISENSTEIN.

"TEN DAYS THAT SHOOK THE WORLD,"

"ALEXANDER NEVSKI,"

"POTEMKIN," AND "VIVA, MEXICO,"

A WORK THAT'S YET UNFINISHED.

YES, AND HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE FILMS?

WE LOVE THEM!

[ Chuckling ] YES, AND WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S ON THE SACRED BOX.

BUT YOU DON'T LOVE EVERYTHING THAT'S ON THE SACRED BOX.

YES. YES. YES. YES.

CELEBRITY BOWLING?

YES. YES. YES. YES.

BADLY DRAMATIZED ENGLISH NOVELS?

YES. YES. YES. YES.

THE, UH, COMMERCIAL

FOR THE VEGETABLE SLICER AT 3:00 A.M.?

YES. YES. YES. YES.

EVERYTHING?

YES. YES. YES. YES.

HMM. YOU LIKE IT WHEN IT GOES, "WHOOO"?

YES. YES. YES. YES.

YOU LIKE JUNK?

YES. YES. YES. YES.

MELODY, COME HERE.

NOW, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING UNCLE SIMON ON TELEVISION,

AND YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING VERY CAREFULLY

TO WHAT HE'S BEEN SAYING, RIGHT?

SO I WANT YOU TO DIG DEEP INTO YOUR HEART NOW

AND TELL ME THE MOST WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL THING

IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

DISCO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT?

I'M NOT REACHING THEM, NOT THE REAL PEOPLE,

NOT THE GRASS ROOTS.

[ SIGHS ] WHO ARE YOU REACHING?

FRINGES. WEIRDOS. THE PAPER-HAT CROWD.

I GAVE THEM MY BEST STUFF, TOO.

SHAKESPEARE, "POGO," THE PROPHETS.

MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT THEIR LIVES IMPROVED, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE THEY LIKE THEIR LIVES THE WAY THEY ARE.

THEY LIKE THAT FAKE MUSIC IN THE ELEVATORS?

THEY LIKE THOSE THIN GRAY HAMBURGERS WITH IMITATION SAUCE?

SIMON, YOU JUST CAN'T SHOW UP OUT OF NOWHERE

AND TELL A WHOLE COUNTRY WHAT TO LIKE.

EMPTINESS. EMPTINESS.

10 BILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION, UP FROM THE SLIME, FOR WHAT?

THEY CALL THIS A CULTURE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S SO BAD.

I THINK WE PRODUCED SOME GOOD THINGS, TOO.

OH, YEAH? SUCH AS?

I DON'T KNOW. UH, FRED ASTAIRE,

PENICILLIN, AIR CONDITIONING.

YOU LIKE AIR CONDITIONING, I KNOW THAT.

I DON'T LIKE AIR CONDITIONING.

OH, COME ON. YOU LOVE AIR CONDI --

I DON'T LIKE IT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN WITH A STUDIO APARTMENT

THAT HAS TWO AIR CONDITIONERS.

I HATE AIR CONDITIONING!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, PLEASE, LET'S JUST CALM DOWN,

'CAUSE I REALLY HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU.

WELL, I HAVE TO GO MAKE A BROADCAST.

I'LL MAKE IT QUICK.

YOU REMEMBER TUESDAY, I WASN'T FEELING SO HOT?

I WAS FEELING VERY QUEASY, SO I WALKED INTO TOWN,

AND I WENT TO THE DRUGSTORE TO BUY THIS TEST.

THEY HAVE THESE TESTS YOU CAN BUY NOW,

AND YOU DO IT YOURSELF, AND IT TURNED OUT POSITIVE.

SO THEN I WENT TO THE CLINIC

BECAUSE I HAD THEM DO A TEST ON ME,

AND THEIRS WAS ALSO POSITIVE.

IT CONFIRMED THAT THEY WERE BOTH POSITIVE.

RIGHT. SO, WHAT IS THAT? YOU'RE SICK OR WHAT?

NO, I'M PREGNANT.

ARE YOU SURE?

I GUESS I'M POSITIVE.

YOU'RE NOT UPSET?

NO.

I...I FELT IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER.

WHO'S THE FATHER?

SIMON, YOU'RE THE FATHER.

NO, THAT'S -- THAT'S QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.

WHY?

WELL, YOU SEE, I'M FROM ANOTHER PART OF THE GALAXY,

AND WE'RE BIOLOGICALLY INCOMPATIBLE.

DIFFERENT SPECIES CANNOT MATE

BECAUSE THAT'S THE LAW OF THE UNIVERSE.

BUT THAT'S EXACTLY THE POINT.

WE ARE NOT TWO DIFFERENT SPECIES!

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN INVOLVED WITH SOMEBODY ELSE,

BUT THAT'S OKAY. I'VE BEEN BUSY.

I UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS. WHAT?

WHO? SOMEBODY FROM THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT?

MAESTRO FLUNE, MAYBE?

HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT?

NICE GUY, A LITTLE BIT EFFEMINATE, BUT A NICE GUY.

SIMON, THE ONLY PERSON I'VE EVER BEEN INVOLVED WITH IS YOU.

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?

YOU'RE AFRAID TO FACE IT,

'CAUSE IT WOULD MEAN YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL ANYMORE.

YOU'RE NOT DIFFERENT FROM ANYBODY ELSE.

YOU'RE NOT A TOASTER.

YOU'RE JUST A REGULAR, ORDINARY HUMAN BEING.

I HAVE TO GO BROADCAST.

NO. NOW JUST A MINUTE.

RIGHT NOW YOU'RE GONNA STAND HERE

AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME

THAT YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART THAT I WAS UNFAITHFUL TO YOU,

THAT I CHEATED ON YOU, AND THEN I WILL GO AWAY.

BUT YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT FIRST, OKAY?

COME ON. IT'S EASY.

YOU JUST SAY, "THIS IS NOT MY CHILD."

CAN YOU SAY THAT?

CAN YOU?

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

YEAH. KOREY. WHAT?

JUST A MINUTE.

HELLO, SIMON.

HELLO, CARL.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, HASN'T IT?

I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH TO SPEAK TO YOU, CARL.

YES, OF COURSE.

WHAT?

I THINK YOU'VE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

I understand.

I'LL BE SPEAKING TO YOU SOON, SIMON.

THANK YOU. GOODBYE.

THAT'S IT.

WHAT?

HE'S DEPRESSED AND HE WANTS TO GO HOME.

TO NEW YORK.

NO, NO.

HOME.

Becker: ALL RIGHT, NOW, GENTLEMEN,

I'M GOING TO GO AWAY NOW.

I'M GOING WITH GENERAL KOREY TO PUT SIMON ON A ROCKET SHIP.

ON A ROCKET SHIP.

CAN WE GO?

NO, NO. YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE.

[ CRYING ] AND WHILE I'M GONE, I WANT YOU TO BEHAVE.

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ Crying ] NO!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LEON?

WELL, I WANT TO GO ON THE ROCKET SHIP!

NO, DOCTOR. YOU CANNOT GO

ON THE ROCKET SHIP. I'M SORRY.

NOW, WHILE I'M AWAY,

I WANT YOU TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

REMEMBER WHERE YOU ARE, GENTLEMEN.

ARAM, I WANT YOU TO BE THE MONITOR.

WHAT?! WHY IS HE THE MONITOR?!

WHY IS HE THE MONITOR? WHY IS HE THE MONITOR?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

[ ALL YELLING ]

QUIET! QUIET!

SAYS WHO?

SAYS ME!

SHUT UP, SIX EYES! SIX EYES!

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN! I AM APPALLED!

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? THEY'RE TAKING AWAY THE TABLE.

SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

GENTLEMEN, PLEASE. I AM APPALLED!

BOOM!

For that great rocket-launch scene,

the production moved from New York

to the NASA Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

During the week of production there,

Marshall Brickman used NASA's new space shuttle

for the exterior shots of the rocket.

Back in New York, production designer Stuart Wurtzel

built a realistic replica of the interior of the shuttle.

"Simon" marked another entry in the wave of comedies

being released by the independent Orion Pictures,

which was in its first two years of operation.

Those comedies include blockbuster hits

like "10," released in 1979;

"Caddyshack," in 1980; and "Arthur," from 1981.

As for Madeline Kahn,

she continued to be a staple on television,

as well as on the stage,

and she starred in several more comedies,

including her role as Mrs. White

in Jonathan Lynn's camp classic "Clue" in 1985.

Coming up next

is Madeline Kahn's feature-film debut

in a slapstick comedy directed by Peter Bogdanovich.