Original subtitles

( GROUP CHANTING: ) See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

Dee kran.

See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

Dee kran.

See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

Again. See Dick run.

Jane watches Dick run.

[ALL]: See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

That's very good.

Okay, um, let's continue.

Spot barks.

"Down, Spot," says Sally.

[ALL]: Spot barks.

Down, Spot.

( CHAIN SAW BUZZING )

( BRANCHES CRACKING )

Okay, gang.

Let's break for lunch.

God, I'd die for a pepperoni pizza.

In six months

you'll probably be able to buy one here. - Huh!

Those jerks.

The largest forest in the world reduced to a cow pasture.

( ALARMED SHOUTING )

Tell them not to be afraid. It's only a tractor.

Dageem kawa naho.

Gwandana maha. Okim da cocorada!

What did he say? Well, what did he say?

I think he said that giant bugs are attacking.

( CHUCKLING )

Is he serious?

( SHOUTING )

( SCREAMING )

Oh, my god! It's coming for us!

( SCREAMING )

( RASPY MOANING )

[MAN]: Okay, bud, pass that to your sister.

Everyone have a balanced load?

Okay.

( DOG BARKING )

[MAN]: Down, spot.

( GROWLING )

( BARKING )

No! Olaf!

Sorry, new neighbor.

He's usually a sweet, little pup.

No harm done.

Dick Applegate.

Greg Samson.

I'm in the single family ranch house across the way.

Umm, where you folks from?

The South.

Umm, this is my wife, Jane.

My kids, Sally and Johnny.

Guys, meet our neighbor, Mr. Samson.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Samson.

( BARKING )

Olaf, you got a bug up your butt?

Sorry, ma'am.

Somebody's got a sweet tooth.

You know teenagers.

Oh, yep. Got one of my own.

Well, I better get my pooch home, before he eats one of your kids. [LAUGHING]

Great meeting you, Greg.

Creature seems harmless.

Yes... but the dog could be a problem.

Canines disappear every day,

and no one seems to notice.

Swordfish.

Most housewives prefer... Tide.

[ MAN ON TELEVISION]: You make my daughter out to be a criminal

and I�ll see you lose your license. - The doctor's only doing his job.

Since when does his job include ruining a young girl's life?

Ah.

We're official! Census bureau records now list the Applegates

as an average American family, hitting every statistical norm right on the nose.

Understood? Good. Now, drill!

Applegate, Jane. Age 38. Occupation, homemaker.

I met my husband at Maryland University; where I majored in Home Economics.

Applegate, Sally. Born Baltimore, 1971.

Scorpio; I enjoy swimming, Chicken McNuggets, gymnastics; kiss on the second date.

Applegate, Johnny. Hobbies include science, baseball, and...ah--

Heavy metal music!

--and heavy metal music. And I�m 15

At ease.

Study these statistics.

They'll help us determine what's normal,

even if we do find it repulsive.

It's imperative that we maintain a believable cover.

While I infiltrate and sabotage the nuke-u-lar power plant.

That's "nuclear," Dad.

Lesson number one-- most people say "nuke-u-lar."

Next time, get it right.

[MAN]: You come glowingly recommended, Richard.

We're lucky to have you at Tate-Lawrence.

I worked with the same system in Baltimore for seven years.

I can debug anything.

Yes, but this is a nu-ku-lar power plant; not a rent-a-car firm.

Do you realize the danger of letting so much as one glitch slip by?

I understand that a reactor catastrophe

can kill a minimum of 50,000 people,

and injure another 1 to 500,000, and render uninhabitable a land mass the size of Delaware.

Good! You'll start tomorrow.

[WOMAN]: Yeah, Yeah, come-on, listen--

Come on, come on, come on.

Tuck your shirt in.

Strictly average, ladies.

Good enough for me.

You'll sing a different tune when your parents get your report card, sweetie.

Coach Himler always rags on Mondays.

[SIGHS] She doesn't scare me.

Wait till she corners you in the shower. [ ALL LAUGH]

Hi, boys.

Don't pop a chubby on our account.

Hey, Courtney, who's your friend?

Vince Samson-- voted best hair in the senior class.

I�m Sally--Applegate.

Whoa, time out! You guys moved into the house across the street from us, right?

I guess so.

Then you met my dad already.

He didn't tell me that we had such a tasty new neighbor.

Keep it in your pants, Samson.

We got to go.

So, what's the new girl like?

I think she needs her temperature taken--

with an all-beef thermometer. [ALL LAUGH]

He's kind of cute. - And he knows it!

Too bad he's such a worm!

[BOY]: watch him squirm.

That's really neat, Junior.

Heads up!

That's a warning, Cartwright.

The next time you fink on us, we knife you.

Gosh, I didn't tell. - Smoke?

Ah, come on, Appleseed, everybody smokes,

Except for dorks like Cartwright.

Actually, only 2.3% of all 15-year-olds smoke.

You said you were into metal.

Yo, get hip!

Dipshits.

Stay away from Kevin and Kenny.

They're hooked on Jerry's kids.

What's that?

Some kind of dope that makes you act like a spaz.

Mmm.

( PHONE RINGING )

( HE WHISTLES )

Dick Applegate. Ma'am. Yes, ma'am!

It's Aunt Bea.

[MALE VOICE]: The lines are tapped, so we'll have to speak English. Give me an update.

[DICK]: The first infiltration is successful.

We'll be ready to blow-up the Nuke-u-lar power plant by the time you get here.

Now, they don't suspect that you're different at all, do they?

We have taken every precaution to suggest normalcy.

They're all convinced we're a typical American family.

Okay, well, just keep up-- - Un donna bova--

You homo sapien scum!

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing, nothing... it's just some asshole tried to rape me.

Look, ah, just keep up the act,

and we'll buzz up there in about 3 months and finish the job.

Check. - Oh, oh and Dick...

...one more thing. - Yeah?

If you screw up, -Yeah?

I will personally suck the juice from your exocranium.

comprende?

Yes, ma'am.

Wshew! -How's Aunt Bea?

Her usual cheerful self. - Those darn queens!

[SIGHS] How's the pie coming?

You know, cooking is a lot easier than I thought.

Another slice of chocolate coming up.

So, how was school today, Sally?

I tried out for cheerleading.

[Jane]: who gave you permission?

All the girls are doing it.

Now, you know fully well

that only 5% of all high school girls are cheerleaders.

And the rest are lepers.

Your mother is right, Pumpkin, none of us can risk that kind of attention.

I detest this place.

I miss my friends.

Yeah, me too.

Johhny, eat some more sugar, you're still growing.

I�m already full.

If you don't eat dinner, you can't have dessert.

Did someone say "dessert"?

I happened to find a pile of rancid trash

in the dumpster behind the 7-11.

[TOGETHER]: Mmm!!

Dick, do you think we're jeopardizing the mission

by bringing the children along?

No, they're good for image, Jane.

Well, what if they slip up?

We're all highly adaptive creatures, Honey.

Besides, all we have to do is lay the groundwork until Aunt Bea gets here.

It's not like we're asking them to dig tunnels or anything.

Oh, Dick, you changed without me.

( RASPY MOANING )

I always forget how handsome you really are.

( ALARM CLOCK RINGING )

( RASPY MOANING )

Okay, crawlers, rise and mutate.

[NARRATOR]: For protection, many insects have chameleon-like qualities,

able to take on the form of plants, or even small animals.

And, as everyone knows

insects would be the Earth's sole survivors

after a nuke-u-lar holocaust.

Did you know that there are more species of insects

than there are individual humans?

Entomologists speculate that millions of undiscovered species

exist in the forests... [ FILM DESTRUCTS ]

Kevin? Kenny?

Shut that off!

All right.

Who learned something from the movie, huh?

Ah... John Applegate.

Well, I learned that insects do lots of good things for the environment.

Please. bugs are sickening.

They eat dog doo.

Yeah, well, at least they don't go around tearing down forests.

ruining the ecological chain,

perforating the ozone layer, and obliterating other species.

[ APPROVALS FROM CLASSMATES ] - Very good.

That brings us to the next class assignment, which is...

to make a bug collection!

( STUDENTS GROAN AND EEW! )

What?

and Mr. Applegate, I expect

a very thorough collection from you.

Dottie, I need a full set of schematics for the control room.

Can you track them down for me?

I�ll see what I can do, Mr. A.

( FLY BUZZING )

Hold still, fella.

I�m not going to hurt you.

This is for your own good, pal.

[DOTTIE]: Mr. A? Mr. A?

Oh.

I've got a fly trapped in here. Can you lend a hand?

You want me to squash it for you?

No! Just grab that piece of paper to trap him!

What's this about schematics to the control room?

Oh, I just wanted to take a copy home

to work on that system analysis you asked for.

If I knew that Dottie was going to bother you about it--

Sorry, Richard, those documents are highly classified.

And, what are you doing on top of that desk?

I've got a fly trapped in here.

Well, squash the damn thing and get back to work.

This is a nuke-u-lar power plant, not a wildlife preserve.

( BUZZING )

Ooh! Sorry.

Bingo.

( INSECT SQUEALING )

Grow a backbone already. Geez!

How am I supposed to study Romeo and Juliet

with you blubbering like a day-old larva?

Well, let's see you kill it.

I would if I had to. It's not so hard to act human.

Why, Mrs. Applegate,

how kind of you to come to our church picnic.

Thank you Pastor Cooter, we were certainly impressed by your sermon this morning.

And I am impressed by your chocolate delicacy.

Is it homemade?

It's an old family recipe.

( INSECT BUZZING )

Steer clear of the deviled eggs, my mom made 'em.

I�m sort of on a diet anyway.

Let's go eat out in the cemetery.

What do you think I am, an idiot?

I know about your rep.

Come on, I'm not going to do anything!

This is church.

What line of work you do, Dick?

Computers.

Richard here is an expert in debugging.

Well, how do you like that? I�m a debugger myself.

You work with computers?

Hell, no, I�m an exterminator.

In order to kill bugs, you got to think like a bug.

They know, if you catch them

they'll end up on the bottom of your shoe all crushed.

So what do they do?

They try to blend in with the furniture.

Funny, I never thought of that.

Well, that's why you need an expert.

I could sniff out a bug through a cloud of french perfume.

To me, it's not just a job.

It's like religion or great sex.

Know what I mean, Jane?

Right.

[GREG]: By the way, my rates are also very reasonable.

I�ll beat any advertised price in town.

Thank you, Greg, but I keep a clean house.

You'd be surprised.

Some of the best-kept, most richest homes

are outright infested.

[NITA]: Hey, these deviled eggsare mighty tasty. Did everybody try one?

Looks like Pastor Cooter isn't stopping with your eggs, Nita.

My God, what a porker! [LAUGHS]

( GAGGING )

I don't think I can commit to a relationship.

I'm not asking you to go steady.

Don't come any closer.

( CRUNCHING )

I�m sorry, but you asked for it.

That's okay. I like rough trade.

( [SALLY YELLING]: )

Aren't they cute?

( INSECT BUZZING )

Oh, damn! those bugs have been chewing on me all day.

Time to bring out the latest in high tech.

What'cha got there Greg?

Sonic bug repeller.

This puts out a sound

you and me can't hear, but, sweet Jesus!

It drives those little creatures bonkers.

You can take this out...

( HIGH-PITCHED LOUD ALARM WHIRLING )

Wherever you are that bugs are bothering you

you can get these things turned on... [ALARM SOUNDS AGAIN ]

You just set one of these things down beside you wherever you are...

Works great!

Them bugs are going to drop dead.

[ALARM CONTINUES] [JANE]: They're not biting me!

Nothing spoils a nice day more than a human-infested picnic.

How was your day, Sally?

It was okay.

She spent the whole time rolling in the mud with that Vince person.

[JANE]: Sally, you keep away from that boy.

His father's a killer.

[DICK]: I�ll break into the records room, here on the main floor of the plant.

Then once I get the schematics

this will be our line of attack.

Off to the mall... be back later.

Why don't you take your brother along?

[SIGHS] Mother, please! He's so immature!

Do as your mother says; your brother spends too much time in his room.

[SALLY]: [SIGHS] Okay, get lost.

What about the mall?

Where are you really going?

None of your beeswax.

Well, how am I going to get home?

Well, you should have thought of that before you came along. Scram!

( BASKETBALL BOUNCING )

[CLAPPING]

So I guess you play a lot of sports?

I go in for all kinds of extra-curricular activities.

What happened to your neck?

I must have got bitten by a mosquito at the picnic.

( SLAPPING SOUND )

All right! More rough trade.

No, listen, I have to pick up my brother.

Don't worry about that little twerp.

[BOY IN CAR]: Watch it, dude.

Human trash!

[SALLY]: Wait a minute. What are you doing?

I don't want to do this.

[VINCE]: You do and you know it.

( SHIRT TEARING )

Stop!

( MOANING )

Oh, Sally...

[SALLY]: Stop or I�ll make you stop.

It's... too... late.

( SALLY GROANING ) ( CRACKING )

( SCREAMING )

( SCREAMING )

( BUZZING GROWL )

Mommy! Mommy!

( HISSING AND RATTLING )

( SQUISHING NOISES )

[CATCHING BREATH]

She dumped me off in the middle of nowhere. I had to walk home.

Sally, I want an explanation.

He's lying.

When we got to the mall, he ran off.

I met some friends and we shopped until 9:00.

I waited around 2 hours before I left.

You did not!

Why would I leave you there?

I was worried sick that something happened to you.

She's making it up.

I�m disappointed in you, Johhny.

You exercised poor judgment in walking home; now I'm going to have to ground you for 2 weeks.

What?! - Now, apologize to your sister.

I hate all of you!

( DOOR SLAMS )

Sally, keep an eye on him. If he slips, we could all wind-up in the ant farm.

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

Dick Applegate.

[LAUGHS] Hello there.

What?

Oh, my God!

No, no. I haven't.

When? Tonight?

Yes, of course we'll be there. Bye-Bye!

Something terrible has happened.

What?

the Samson boy's been kidnapped.

He didn't come home last night.

Wow! Jesus H.

Is there no one safe from the human crime element? - [DICK] Even our own children!

Greg Samson called for a meeting at the town hall tonight. We should go.

And now, no one is safe in here in Median;

because if this could happen to a good kid like my Vince;

it could happen to any of your children.

Oh, dear God! [CRYING]

Bring me back my little boy.

He never hurt nobody. [CONTINUING TO CRY]

[GREG]: Sheriff Heidegger

Might you have something to add?

I think the most important thing

is not to become hysterical.

This is an isolated incident, so there's no reason to panic.

[GREG]: How can you say that?

No one's seen Vincent for 24 hours.

Isn't that a good reason?

There's no ransom note. He might have simply run away.

Or, he might be at the bottom of the Chiquitahoochee river!

If some butthole tried to kidnap me, I'd cut off his dick with my shiv.

This is bullshit, man. Vince probably skipped to Columbus

for some big-city poon tang.

Yeah!

Hey, Appleseed, your family's loaded, right?

Well, yeah my dad makes an average salary.

If you want, we can invest

some of your bread.

We'll double your dough, man.

Really? Well, how much do you need?

At least two �C�s.

Two what?

$200. Dipshit!

I don't know. that's a lot.

Filch it from your old man.

No way! If he found out, he'd excrete a brick.

Besides, I�m already grounded for 2 weeks.

[THE TWINS TOGETHER]: Parents are pigs.

Since the Sheriff doesn't want to get involved

it looks like we're gloing to have to protect ourselves.

Now, hold on a minute!

Hold your own Goddamn minute! [AUDIENCE GASPS - MURMURS] -Gentlemen, please!

Where's Johnny? Johhnny! Johnny! Johnny? Any one seen Johnny?

Four weeks?!

I�ll ground you permanently if you continue to jeopardize our mission.

You people are pigs!

40, 60, 80, 200.

Not bad, Appleface, where'd you get it?

I stole it from my old man.

So. how are you going to invest it?

The drop's tonight at der Wienerschnitzel.

7:00. Be there.

I can't. I�m still grounded.

Bummer, dude!

( HORN HONKING )

Aah! It's my bitch sister.

I got to go. Later! - See ya!

[GIRL]: Hey, Sally.

Can you believe that shit about Vince?

What about it?

I bet some pervo's got him tied up with barbed wire,

juicing his testicles with an electric cattle prod.

If he hasn't wasted him already.

Who cares anyway?

( INSECTS BUZZING )

( HORN HONKING AND TIRES SQUEALING )

Hunting for bargains, Jane?

Ugh! Oh, hi, Opal.

Hey! You want to go shopping?

Umm, no, I've really got a lot of errands to do, and umm...I--

Where's my car?

It was here a minute ago.

Honey, don't they tow cars where you come from?

Tow?

Come on. Get in the car. I'll take you to the garage.

You really don't mind? - No problem. I just have to make a few stops first.

I'm not really much of a consumer, Opal.

Oh, really Jane, that sounds so un-American.

Oh! What do you think of this?

It would look great on you! - Oh, I'm sure that dress would cost a fortune.

So? put it on plastic.

Plastic?

You know, credit cards.

You did bring yours, didn't you?

No, we don't...

Dick, ah, doesn't let me have any.

Janey!

Never let a husband deprive you of life's basic necessities!

Now, where it says "occupation"

Do I say housewife?

Hell, no! Say you sell Mary Kay cosmetics.

But that's a lie! What if they check up on me?

Put my name down as your boss.

and I�ll tell them you earned $50 grand last year.

Oh look, this bracelet goes perfect with the dress.

You know, Opal, I really should check with Dick before I spend all this money.

What is the point of instant credit if you've got to wait to use it?

At least get it on approval.

This poor plant is dying.

Oh, yeah.

They all dry up here. It's the radiation.

You should see what it does to my cuticles.

What a shame! These roses are so beautiful when they're in bloom.

It still looks okay to me.

[SIGHS] I suppose even a fading flower is still a flower.

that's very poetic, Mr. A.

[EXHALES] What I meant to say is

some flowers look their best just before the petals drop.

Sort of a last burst of beauty.

You're a very sensitive man, Mr. A.

[EXHALES]

I might as well tell you, Dottie, sensitive or not, I-I'm ah, a married man.

I didn't mean it that way.

I know. - Do I look like a homewrecker?

No, of course not. I�m sorry.

If you ask me

you're the one with sex on the brain.

( GIGGLING )

What did you say this drink was called again?

Grasshopper. [DRUNKEN LAUGHTER]

It's too sweet if you ask me.

No, I don't think so.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Withers, but this one didn't go through either.

Okay, Sugar, pick one of these.

Those bastards at American Express,

they never give an inch.

So, what do you think of it here in Median?

I�m not really used to being alone in the house all day, but--

You can go shopping with me anytime.

That's very nice of you.

Would you excuse me for a moment.

When she comes back, I�ll have another.

Hi!

( DOOR CLOSING )

Honey, I�m home.

Where have you been? I've been chewing the carpet waiting for you to get home.

[LAUGHING] It was awful!

Opal Withers made me wallow in decadent consumerism.

Why didn't you call? There's a kidnapper on the loose. For all I knew, you were dead!

Oh, I�m sorry. The car was towed.

Not to mention dinner. There's not a speck of trash around the house.

The kids and I had to eat the morning paper.

I said I was sorry. I don't know what more I can say.

What is that you're wearing?

You like it?

[EXHALES] No.

What is all this junk?

God, humans do such repulsive things to their bodies.

Wait a second.

How did you pay for this?

I put it on credit.

Another vile human custom.

Just make sure you take it all back. We're not made of money, you know!

( KNOCKING )

Open up, Applesauce.

Hey, keep it down, you guys.

You guys got my money?

No way, man. We got something better. Check it out!

Righteous poona, dude.

Augh! No! [SPITS]

No. You don't eat it, moron, you smoke it!

Gee, are guys sure that's safe?

We do it all the time.

Look at us.

All right.

One more puff.

Hand me that roach, man.

What?

The roach.

Wha..?

Are you loaded or what?

( GURGLING )

Augh! Everything's spinning.

Hey, hey, don't ralph on that doob.

Yeah, give it here!

Dude!

This pot must be dusted. He looks like a mutant.

Man, this is some creepy shit! [GROWLING AND CRACKING]

What happened to Johnny?

I think that fucking mutant ate him.

Oh no, man! He's going to fucking eat us! Noooo...!

( STAPLING ECHOING )

Now, I�ll admit I underestimated the problem at first.

So, I now advise

all of you to keep watch on your neighbors,

and let me know if you suspect any foul play.

[COOTER]: You're right, Sheriff...BUT...

...it's going to take more than vigilance to lick this problem.

It's going to take... money too!

Now, how do we raise the funds

to put the pictures of God's little lambs

on milk cartons?

[WOMAN]: We could have a bake sale.

Nobody wants to buy your old moldy cakes, Martha.

[NITA]: I have a better idea.

Let's put on a musical.

Dinky wrote a show.

What's it about, Russell?

It's a revue! - Now, Opal, don't embarrass me.

The show's called 'People are Neat.'

And it's about peace, love, brotherhood...

and the free market system.

That sounds dandy.

[ALL]: Amen.

Let me add that if I catch the kidnapper of my poor son

I�ll offer him Christian forgiveness,

then I�ll skin his honkers and use them for chamois cloths.

[ALL]: Amen!

[MAN ON TV]: According to the E.P.A., the greenhouse effect has been greatly exaggerated--

Dick?

What?

What do you think of this?

Think about what?

A greenhouse.

We could put one in the backyard.

It has Tropical foliage, climate control,

automatic mist regulator-- only $12,000.

The kids would love it.

What do you think about putting down that brochure

and doing a little mating?

You know we're not in season.

Come on, just for the heck of it.

You know, I don't think you're taking this greenhouse thing seriously.

[SNORTS] We've been here 2 months, all you've done is spend money.

I�m just trying to act like a normal American housewife.

Yeah, well, you've nearly depleted our bank account in the process,

besides, normal housewives have sex with their husbands,

and not just for procreation.

Not according to my research.

[SNICKER] Yeah, yeah, your research!

( DOOR SLAMMING )

[JANE]: Have fun sleeping alone tonight, Dick.

[WOMAN ON TV]: You want to join in with the fun and the action--

It's past your bedtime! - What are you gonna do about it?

Would you go to your room and for Christ's sake, would you clean it up;

not even humans are that filthy.

( CAT MEOWING ) ( SOUNDS FROM TELEVISION )

[MAN ON TELEVISION]: Again, the design is that the machine does all the work.

It weighs 8 pounds and balances itself on the 4 corners.

And it has a heavy-duty motor built for a long heavy-duty use.

[MAN #2]: How is it on the feet? - [MAN]: Well, if you're treating someone else,

what you do is just face... [INDISCERNIBLE...]

[MAN #2]: Oh, that's gotta feel great! Oh!

Absolutely, if I was to put it on one part of the body....

Hello. I�m calling in regard to the wellness thumper.

Shit.

Well, I don't understand, I have $1,000. as my limit.

I just got the card today.

No, I�ll have you know that over 300,000 businesses in this country

accept the Discover Card. ( HANGS UP PHONE )

( MOANING, CLICKING, RATTLING )

[WOMAN]: So anyway, we went shopping for this baby furniture

and I found the most incredible antique baby crib

at a steal for $2,000.

Even though Jeffrey prefers the mahogany one

he feels so guilty about being sterile

I think he's gonna get it for me.

Despite the fact, you know, that I'm--

Sally, how long have you been pregnant?

Uh, almost three months.

Well, you're hardly showing.

Are you kidding? Look at this.

( GURGLING ) [EXCLAMATIONS FROM OTHERS]

Wow. is your husband excited?

What husband, pinhead?

The jerk skipped town and took his trailer with him.

How does that make you feel?

I feel bitter, Gail.

I hate men.

Right on, sister.

[EXHALES]

( JUNGLE SOUNDS & BIRDS THEN MOTORBOAT )

( CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING OVER MOTOR )

Going to Rio, amigo?

( MOTOR ROARS )

You cocksucker.

( WHISTLES )

Well, we'll never get to Ohio at this rate.

Maybe it's your dress.

Why, you little... - There's another boat coming!

Jorge!

Look, I want you to wade out in the river and flag that boat down.

There are piranhas in there. - So?

I'm not going in that water.

Jorge, a big bug like you is afraid of a few little fish?

They're piranhas. They're about that big.

[JORGE]: That boat is not gonna stop.

It might.

Aaah! ( SPLASH )

Help! Help!

My baby's drowning.

Help me, please!

[BELLOWING]: Help!

My child!

My child is drowning.

God bless you, sir.

My baby just dropped into the river by mistake

and God bless you, please save him.

( SCREAMS )

Okay, everybody.

Load up! Let's go.

Move! Move out!

( CHOMPING )

[AUNT BEA]: Can't you drones make this boat go any faster at all?

We're still 600 km.s from Rio.

[DEEP MALE VOICE]: I hate doing this.

I heard that, Hector.

Those courageous Applegates,

risking their necks to save our species,

and all you can do is think about yourself?

So self-centered!

( SALSA MUSIC PLAYING )

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Mrs. Applegate?

Yes, Sheriff?

Is your daughter home?

Has she done something wrong?

She hasn't been in school for a week

and I need to ask a few questions.

Well, won't you come right in?

Why are you asking me?

Some of your friends at school said

they saw you with Vince the night he disappeared.

[SIGHS] That's a lie!

He asked me out, but I said no, based on his behavior at the church picnic.

What did he do at the picnic?

He tried to get me drunk.

He got some beer in Akron. - In Akron?

Yeah, he-he met

some older guy there who got it for him after the game.

Who was this guy, did he say?

I don't know.

Larry somebody... it started with a "K."

What else did Vince say about this guy?

Nothing.

Just that he was real friendly, you know?

Do you think there might have been any homosexual activity?

Beats me.

Well, Vince didn't seem like that type.

Maybe he was in the closet.

( THUMPING )

( BARKING )

You didn't see anything, Spot.

( BARKING )

How come you never mentioned this man Larry before?

I forgot about it.

What happened that night you took Johnny to the mall?

I met some friends.

You didn't see Vince, did you?

What is this, Nuremberg?

Answer my question.

Lay off me, mom. I feel sick enough already.

You look plenty healthy to me.

Does daddy know you bought all this stuff?

Don't change the subject. When are you going back to school?

I�m never going back to that hellhole.

Young lady, you better drop that attitude

or we're shipping you right back to Brazil.

Huhhh!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

( BUZZER SOUNDS )

( KLAXON SOUNDS )

( RASPY CLICKING )

( RASPY CLICKING )

( BEEPING )

( LOCK OPENING )

Oh, for crying...

( FRANTIC CLICKING )

( SQUEAKS )

Damn rats!

( CHIRPS )

( SQUISHING NOISE )

( YELLS )

( MACHINE STARTING )

Aoooh! Whewww!

( CLEARING THROAT )

[LAUGHS] Dottie, Hi--

Well... [COUGHS]

I, uh... figured you'd come looking for it

sooner or later.

Looking for what?

Are you playing games with me?

No, not at all. This isn't what you think.

Well, then, ah, where are your clothes Mr. A?

You're right, Dottie. I can't control my lust any longer.

Hi.

Boy, oh boy, some traffic on the way home from work.

Glad you started without me.

Had a good day at the office, dear?

No, it was exhausting.

By the way, there was $200 missing from the drawer upstairs.

Did you take it?

You calling me a thief?

I�m done.

Me too.

Are you wearing cologne?

( DOG YELPS )

Oh, excuse me, Spot.

Hey, what's up, dudes?

[COUGHS]

You guys weren't kidding.

This is a pure high.

But my dad's found out about the missing cash.

You two don't mind if I sell your half to pay it back, do you?

I didn't think so.

[COUGHS] Oh, I�m peaking.

( CRACKLING )

Spot, come here.

( GROWLING AND CRACKING )

Whoa...

( BUZZING )

Down, Spot.

[LAUGHING]

( BREAKING GLASS )

Oh, fuck!

( DOOR CLOSING )

Spot?

Spot!

Spot!

Morning, Jane.

Say, what's this your daughter's been saying

about Vince and some h-homo in Akron?

Oh, I'm sure it was just something Vince said to Sally.

Have you seen Spot?

No.

Don't worry. Pets always find their way home. - Hhhhhah

Greg, I�m really sorry about your son.

I'm sure he'll turn up.

I'd give anything if I could believe that.

I just ran into Jane Applegate.

Did you ask her why Sally called Vince a fag?

No, she's all bent out of shape over their dog.

Something really weird about that family.

Just can't figure it.

( WHIMPERING )

Olaf?

What you got there, boy?

[NITA]: My God! What is it?

How the hell should I know?

Look, it's got Spot's collar on it.

[SQUEEK] ( SQUOOSH )

Damn it, Greg.

I just mopped the floor.

I never seen a bug that big before.

Come to think of it

I never seen no bug wearing a collar before.

Oh! [LOW GROWL]

No, no, I quite understand,

and from now on, I promise to pay on time.

You've already refinanced the house and the cars. There's no collateral left.

In fact, payment pending, we start repossessing next week.

Can I at least have my Mastercard back?

Credit is a valuable commodity.

I'm afraid you've abused it.

Pretty please?

Good day, ma'am.

Asshole.

That little remark goes in your file, Mrs. Applegate.

You just put this in your file, you petty functionary--

Could I have some assistance, please?

Do you think you're the only bank in town?

I mean, I don't need your money, anyway.

I mean, eh-- Plenty of banks would be delighted

to have me as a customer. Thank you. Thank you!

Is your mother here?

No.

I think I found out what happened to Spot.

It ain't pretty.

What?

You're not gonna believe this.

But, Spot's collar was on a big bug that Olaf dragged in.

It looks like the bug ate Spot before Olaf got there.

A big bug?

Bullshit! Where is it?

I sent it over to the college for some tests.

Can't I come in? - No. I'm sick. You can't come in right now.

How come you never told us about that Larry guy in Akron?

I said, I�m sick. Now fuck off!

( Door Slams )

No, not within 40,000 miles.

The line is busy again. How are we going to tell them we're on our way?

Those assholes.

We'll just surprise them, that's all. That's their problem!

Nope. Come on, next.

Ah, now this I hate.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, now we're talking.

Passport, please.

This you? -Yeah.

Bea cocorada - Right.

That's a woman's name. Says here you're a female.

You got a problem with that, pal?

No, sir.

Have you got anything to declare? -No.

Taxable items? - No. Fruit? -Nothing. Bananas? Nothing at all.

What's that in your pocket?

Nothing, just glad to see you.

As much as one strange fruit fly crosses this border...

could cause an ecological catastrophe.

Ooh!

Hand it over!

There you go.

( CHUCKLING )

Well, Dick works overtime so much overtime, we hardly see each other anymore.

Oh, believe me, Jane, You can't do enough to keep a husband.

Especially with all those hot-blooded secretaries wiggling around like bitches in heat.

Well, luckily for me, Dick's more the cold-blooded type.

Ah, please! Put a man in a private office, give him a swivel-hipped heifer

to asnwer the phone, and it's just a matter of time.

[GASPS]

Teal-- Janie, it's your color.

Oh, huh, thanks, Opal But I really am trying to curb my spending.

Well, I think I�ll try this one on in blush.

Yeah, I�ll be back in a flash.

I want you to know how much I appreciate your efficiency, Dottie.

You can expect a big bonus come Christmas.

Mmm, feels to me like Christmas came early this year. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

You can tell your chiefs at the N.R.C. that Russell Withers

runs the tightest ship in the industry.

[P.A. SYSTEM]: Take me now, Dick! Slam it to me! Ride me on the desk--

[DICK]: I�m the baloney pony, baby.

I�m going to splay you like a Cornish game hen. [SHE MOANS]

[DOTTIE]: Ooh, Dick! Don't stop!

[WITHERS]: What's going on in there?

With you in a second, Mr. Withers.

Hard at work, huh?

I can explain.

Tell it to the unemployment office, Applegate, you're both fired!

He made me do it.

Put a lid on it, slop, this is a nuke-u-lar power plant

not a cathouse.

I want you off the premises...now!

Look what you've gone and done. - Me?

Thanks to you, I�m going to be on welfare.

Well, what about me? How am I gonna get another job with this on my resum�?

That's your problem.

Eat and run?

Is that it?

Sorry, Dick

This meal isn't free.

I want severance pay.

Talk to Withers.

Or maybe I�ll talk to your wife.

You wouldn't dare.

Try me.

On the other hand, a small monthly allowance would buy my discretion.

How about 50 bucks?

Try four digits.

You can't wipe your hands that easily.

[TELEVISION] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[JANE]: Oh...

What are you doing home early?

Thought I'd take the afternoon off,

watch some curling. Where have you been?

Back off. I haven't spent a dime.

( HEAVY EXHALE )

What else did you do today?

Nothing.

Lying, unfaithful scum! ( GLASS BREAKING ) - Oh!

W-what did I do you crazy bitch?

You're a disgrace to your species. Look at your face!

It's not what you think.

You're a miserable failure, Dick Applegate.

We came here on a crusade to fulfill our manifest destiny!

and all you've done so far, is screw up.

I had to do it, you've gotta believe me!

Take your hands off me!

Who knows what filthy human diseases you've picked up?

Who knows what filthy bug diseases

this thing has spread?

What the hell is it?

Some kind of South American beetle.

Dr. Fishpaw said he'd never seen one so big.

Now, you don't expect me to believe this thing was wearing a dog collar, do you?

Not just any dog collar.

Spot Applegate's collar.

You'll be happy to know that I got a lead on three 'Larry K.'s in Akron,

All with records.

Look, the way I figure it

the Applegates-- they brought a bunch of these bugs

up here with them from Baltimore.

Now, maybe it's some Satanic thing

with human sacrifice and backwards rock music,

or maybe they're just Communists.

Whatever it is, they're evil.

I know it.

Greg, would you please stop persecuting these poor people.

Now, you and I both know

they wouldn't harm a fly.

Fives, tens, and 20s, and don't Dick around with the ones!

Yes sir! - Hurry it up! Your brains are slushy!

( GUNSHOT BLAST ) [LAUGHS]

And while you're at it, throw in one of those.

( STRIKING GUARDRAIL )

( SIREN WAILING )

Was I speeding, Sheriff?

Yeah, about 40 miles over the speed limit.

I didn't see the sign.

Have you been drinking, Mrs. Applegate?

I had a cup of coffee.

What's this all about?

Someone in a car like yours just held up a convenience store.

What a coincidence.

Mmm. I�ll gonna have to ask you to step out of the car.

Certainly.

[SIGHS] I�ll eat the hind end

out of a rag doll.

I never in a million years...

( SCREAMING )

Ow. Ow.

Ooh. Come on!

Oh! Oh!

Whoops!

( FAINT THUMPING )

Oh, God.

( DOOR OPENING )

Yo, I got spooked you guys were moving around.

( DOOR OPENING )

What the hell is going on?

Dad.

So you're the one.

How dare you take captives?

Well, I didn't want to, but they found out.

Oh, so you panicked and risked everything we've worked for.

How could you be so weak?

It wasn't my fault.

They made me try drugs and I couldn't stop.

Ow!

What's that, under the quilt, Johnny?

If that's Vince Samson, so help me...

Mom?

The Sheriff?

What are you looking at? I had my reasons.

Name one.

I will, once I've had a drink.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Great. Turn to the bottle.

Shit.

Would you get out of my way? - No.

Oh! Ah! Umm!

I was waiting for the right time to tell you.

( TIRES SCREECHING AND ENGINE REVVING )

Later, Gail.

Bye.

( DOOR CLOSES ) ( CYCLE DRIVES AWAY )

How's tricks?

You tell us, Butch.

Eat shit and die.

Stop it, you two.

Sally, what happened to your stomach?

What does it look like? I've got a bun in the oven.

Who did this to my little girl? - Vince Samson.

Shit!

I might as well 'fess-up, I bagged that Dickhead after he porked me.

I've got him cocooned in the basement right now.

You mated with a human?!

Oh, gross me out!

What was going through your mind young lady?

Didn't you think by taking a hostage you might arouse suspicion?

What was I supposed to do, let him fuck me so he could tell his friends

what a great piece of ass I am?

When did you learn to be such a potty mouth?

I've learned plenty in the last few months.

Like what?

Like all men care about is pussy.

Isn't that the truth!

What he hell do you think you're doing, Johnny?

It's the only way I can cope, dad.

Huh! Meet the Applegate kids, a couple of losers!

That's right, blame the kids.

You set such a sparkling example!

Yeah, you're the one that got fired.

How did you find out about that?

One of my dope customers works at the nuke plant.

Fired?

You're not so much prettier, mom.

What are you trying to say? - The bank called a couple of hours ago,

they're coming tomorrow to repossess the furniture.

Not my furniture!

Shut up, all of you!

I�m getting a migraine.

You'll have to get rid of that thing, Sally.

No. No! I�m keeping it;

I don't care if it is a half-breed. It's still my baby!

Gail and I are gonna raise it together.

Yeah, well what's Gail going to say

when a kid with a shiny black exoskeleton calls her "daddy"?

( CHOKING )

Hey, hey hey hey!

( STRANGLED SCREAMING )

[DICK]: Fuck 'em. Let them fight.

I don't care anymore.

Fight! Let them kill each other!

I'm sick and tired too.

The hell with you all!

There goes the neighborhood.

( SCREAMING AND YELLING )

[DICK]: that's it, strangle him!

Here, let me help you.

Ah, shut up yourself!

( PHONE RINGING )

[RECORDING]: ( TONES ) We're sorry.

You have reached a number that is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached this recording in error--

All right, let's go.

( COUGHING )

( BANGING ON DOOR )

( BANGING ON DOOR )

Are you Richard Applegate?

What did I do now?

[LAUGHS] Everything right, Mr. Applegate.

Congratulations.

I don't understand, who are you?

I'm Rich Block, this is Glen Shedd.

Family Bazaar Magazine.

You and your family has been chosen by our publication

as the most normal family in America.

Surely you've been notified.

No, I didn't hear a thing.

Why us?

Well, every year, Family Bazaar consults

the U.S. Census update.

This year, your family hit every single norm, right on the nose.

What are you going to do to us? - Shh! Shh! Shh!

Well, you'll receive many fabulous prizes,

including half-a-million dollars in cash,

and a brand-new, three-story dream house.

You can drive there in your very own motor home.

( STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS )

[SLURRED]: Hey, who are these pods?

What else can they take?

Uh, who's he?

The gardener, don't mind him.

Oh, bogus, dad, totally bo-g.

Hey, how come there's no furniture in this house?

We're redecorating.

( GROANING )

Mom, I feel sick.

If that's your daughter

and she's as ripe as she looks,

the deal's off.

[BLOCK]: What's going on here?

You guys are supposed to be normal,

not a bunch of weirdos.

Would you like a fat lip, mister,

to match your fat ass? -Hey!

Get lost.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

( MOANING )

Oh my God, she's going to blow.

Get out of here, both of you.

Johnny, Johnny! Come here! I want you to get me some warm mud, and a bag of fertilizer OK?

I can't believe this. I�m too stoned.

[MOANING IN BACKGROUND] Do as your mother says. Run! Run!

( SCREAMING )

[ SCREAMING INCREASES ]

( POP! )

( SPLAT! )

[MOANS] ( THUD )

You're right.

We'll be off now.

Yeah.

Sorry to bother you.

( GROWLING )

( HISSING )

( SCREAMING )

( COUGHING )

What are we going to do with them?

Kill them.

They murdered my baby.

No!

Let's split before the pigs drop on us.

We can't do that.

Bea's counting on us.

If only we could just...

go somewhere and think.

Hey, man,

those geeks left us an R.V.

We could go camping.

That's a stupid idea.

Why not?

Bea won't be here for a few weeks. We could use a vacation. [SHE CRIES]

( MOTORING AWAY )

( BIRDS CHIRPING )

Fall in.

Move it. Now, give me a straight line here!

Now, listen up.

From this point on, we become a machine,

a tight military machine.

You understand that? - [ALL]: Yes, sir

Can't hear you! - [ALL]: Yes, sir!

Move out!

( DOOR BURSTS )

[RASPY CHIRPING]

[APPLEGATES]: � ...six bottles of beer on the wall �

� if one of the bottles should happen to fall, �

� five bottles of beer on the wall. �

� Five bottles of beer on the wall... �

( LAUGHING )

( RIFLES COCKING )

Paco, Miguel, cousin Hector.

Great to see you guys!

Sonya, Consuela.

Can I get anybody anything?

Aunt Bea, is that you?

You've got it. - You look so...

virile.

But I like it.

We'll talk hormones later!

Right now, I think we ought to have a little tete-a-tete.

Sure, sure. What can I tell you?

Correct me if I�m wrong, private,

but from what I've seen around here, none of your mission has been accomplished.

That's not precisely true--

Where are the blueprints?! the reconaissance? The strategy?

I'm hours away from all that stuff.

You were given a mission, and you fucked it up, mister!

I'd say you're all in deep shit right about now.

It's not that simple to blow up a nuk-ular power plant.

Maybe not for a pea-brain,

but it didn't take me long to devise a plan.

We have started a tunnel from your cellar directly to the core of the plant.

I estimate meltdown in about 24 hours.

Maybe then, the world will be safe for the insects again!

Now, take them to the attic!

Everybody else, back to work!

The attic?

Well, well, well...

everybody comfy?

Gee, I hope so.

Okay, Dickie boy, it's check-signing time.

It'll bounce.

[LAUGHS] Like I give a shit!

Ah, by the time those things turn to rubber

I�ll have all the dynamite I need.

Be realistic! One nuke-u-lar accident won't end the human race.

oh, Dick, Dick, Dick...

what happened to you?

Don't you understand?

With human beings

it's every man for himself,

and with us, it's just like a little team,

working for the benefit of the species.

Oh, please.

Insect socialism is for the benefit of one person: you!

The rest of us get jack shit.

Well then, why don't you just crawl back to Brazil.

Why don't you just throw out a welcome mat for those assholes.

Let them just obliterate the rest of the rain forest.

As for me, I�m going to stick around here and kick some ass.

You know, I used to think you had queen potential.

You little pissant.

[DICK]: But if we just give them a chance...

Hey, I don't want any lip out of you, OK? Just sign the goddamn checks!

Today the eighth?

Exactly.

I think the drones ought to be through with the tunnel by now.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, thank you very much.

Bid you adieu.

Oh, uh, one other thing, Dick.

As soon as I pick-up the dynamite,

I�m going to come back here and pull your legs out one by one.

Bitch!

[RASPY CHIRPING]

Wait a second.

I think Bea opened me up a little.

I think I can move.

Nice going, Dick.

( THUMP...SQUISH... THUMP....SQUISH... THUMP...SQUISH...)

Greg!

Nita!

Help us!

Oh, no! Not that asshole, Dick Applegate.

[NITA]: Looks like he wants something.

Sorry, Applegate, we take Sunday off to honor God and the baby Jesus.

Besides, we're in the matinee for "People are Neat."

No, don't leave us here!

Giant bugs have us trapped!

Your son, Vince, is up here too.

Vincent..?

You stay here.

But...

( DOOR BURSTING )

Where's my boy?

He's under there.

Get me loose, and I�ll give you a hand.

My butt!

Well, cut me another slice of crow pie.

[GREG]: We'll give these insects a taste of human justice.

[HEIDEGGER]: Greg, let me handle this.

[GREG]: I got the gun, Pancho, so shut-up and let me give the orders.

I'm telling you, you have to get to the power plant.

I thought I told you to keep quiet!

[DICK]: If I don't get there, before Aunt Bea, the place will go up like a Roman Candle.

Move it!

[DICK]: Move it? Won't anybody listen?

[GREG]: We've listened to you enough, bug! - Anybody?

[JANE]: He's telling the truth!

Please, you've gotta listen to him!

Please!

What in the Good Lord's Name?!

These are the kidnappers, Pastor,

it was the Applegates all along.

Is that true, Richard?

Well, yes and no, Mr. Withers.

Damn right, it's true!

Not only that... they're bugs. The whole bunch of 'em.

Sex maniac bugs!

[BOTH]: They stung us!

There's some rope backstage.

Let's string 'em up and teach these bugs a lesson. - [ALL] Yeah!

You can't take the law into your own hands.

I sure as shit ain't putting it in your hands,

bug-lover. - [ALL]: Oooo!

Got any last words

before we string you up

like a side of beef, insect?

Yes...

yes,

I do.

I know how repulsed you must be by us insects.

I understand,

because we felt the same way about you humans at first.

After all, it was humans who drove us from our home.

You talk about the trouble we've caused here. My God,

look at yourselves.

Greg,

you like to spray all your nasty chemicals

so you can kill us bugs.

Well, you just keep spraying 'em

till you wind up poisoning your own family

and finally the whole goddamn town.

It's not bad enough what you do to yourselves,

look what you've done to us, to our home.

You clear-cut the tropical rain forest

hundreds of acres a day.

Why?

So you can have beef patties for a nickel cheaper.

Don't you see? We came here because we had to.

Because the future of our kids was at stake.

Then I saw you people and I realized you're worried about your kids too.

And, that gave us doubts about our mission.

I�ll admit we got confused

and we took hostages,

but you think about it.

Is there any one person here who hasn't stepped on a bug?

You see, we're all guilty of intolerances now and then.

So why don't we all just join hands together,

and work on our problems.

Hey, let's let bygones be bygones, okay?

It's a trick. Nobody touch him.

Let's string him up right now.

[AUDIENCE TOGETHER]: Yeah!

( BANG )

Where are the Applegates?

( AIR RAID SIREN WAILING )

( POLICE SIREN WAILING )

( BELL RINGING )

( EXPLOSIONS )

( KLAXON SOUNDING )

You got a light?

Uh, I don't.

Do you have anything?

No, I don't have anything.

( EXPLOSION )

( MAYHEM- SCREAMS )

Don't go in there.

There's a giant bug in the plant! [ SCREAMS]

In here.

Oh, we're too late.

I'm going in there.

I�m going with you.

You can't take the radiation.

I got to go and try and stop the meltdown.

( SCREECHING )

( KLAXON SOUNDING AMIDST THE MAYHEM )

[ RASPY CHIRPING ]

[RASPY GROWL]

She's headin' for the control room.

( EXPLOSIONS )

( SPRAYING )

( CRASH - SQUISH )

( SPEAKING DIALECT )

Are we there yet?

( SPEAKING DIALECT )

[HEIDEGGER]: We came here to see the Applegates.

Tell Jane Opal's here from Ohio.

( CHIRPING )

Fancy seeing you here, neighbors.

Anybody thirsty?

I love what you've done with your home, Jane.

You can call me Queen Jane now, Opal.

That's not all.

We're grandparents.

Oh, can I hold one?

[JANE]: Just don't drop it.

Hi, everybody.

Meet my new drone, Ray.

Hey, guys!

( WHISPERING: ) Johnny just got out of detox. [TOGETHER]: Oh!

Yeah, I've been straight for three months.

We've all got our heads on straight now.

When we got back to the forest

we mobilized our friends in the insect community

into a campaign of nonviolent civil disobedience.

We're called the B.L.O., the Bug Liberation Organization.

Want to sign a petition?

It's a struggle, but we've already saved thousands of acres through our protests.

We heard,

that's why we're here.

oh!

[OPAL]: We owe you big

for saving our town

from nuke-u-lar destruction.

Even though a little radiation did slip through the cracks,

We still want to help you save the forest.

It's a shame all humans aren't like you guys.

Put her there!