All language subtitles for Meet The Applegates 1990

See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

Dee kran.

See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

Dee kran.

See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

Again. See Dick run.

Jane watches Dick run.

See Dee kran.

Djenn wotch Dee kran.

That's very good.

Okay, um,
let's continue.

Spot barks.

"Down, Spot," says Sally.

Spot barks.

Down, Spot.

Okay, gang.

Let's break for lunch.

God, I'd die
for a pepperoni pizza.

In six months

you'll probably be able to buy one here.
- Huh!

Those jerks.

The largest forest in the world
reduced to a cow pasture.

Tell them not to be afraid.
It's only a tractor.

Dageem kawa naho.

Gwandana maha.
Okim da cocorada!

What did he say?
Well, what did he say?

I think he said that
giant bugs are attacking.

Is he serious?

Oh, my god!
It's coming for us!

Okay, bud,
pass that to your sister.

Everyone have a balanced load?

Okay.

Down, spot.

No! Olaf!

Sorry, new neighbor.

He's usually
a sweet, little pup.

No harm done.

Dick Applegate.

Greg Samson.

I'm in the single family
ranch house across the way.

Umm, where you folks from?

The South.

Umm, this is my wife, Jane.

My kids,
Sally and Johnny.

Guys, meet our neighbor,
Mr. Samson.

It's nice to meet you,
Mr. Samson.

Olaf, you got
a bug up your butt?

Sorry, ma'am.

Somebody's got
a sweet tooth.

You know teenagers.

Oh, yep.
Got one of my own.

Well, I better get my pooch home,
before he eats one of your kids.

Great meeting you, Greg.

Creature seems harmless.

Yes...
but the dog could be a problem.

Canines disappear
every day,

and no one seems
to notice.

Swordfish.

Most housewives prefer...
Tide.

You make my daughter out
to be a criminal

and I�II see you lose your license.
- The doctor's only doing his job.

Since when does his job include
ruining a young girl's life?

Ah.

We're official!
Census bureau records
now list the Applegates

as an average American family, hitting
every statistical norm right on the nose.

Understood? Good.
Now, drill!

Applegate, Jane. Age 38.
Occupation, homemaker.

I met my husband at Maryland University,
where I majored in Home Economics.

Applegate, Sally.
Born Baltimore, 1971.

Scorpio, I enjoy swimming, Chicken McNuggets,
gymnastics, kiss on the second date.

Applegate, Johnny.
Hobbies include science, baseball, and ah

Heavy metal music!

and heavy metal music.
And I�m 15

At ease.

Study these statistics.

They'll help us
determine what's normal,

even if we do
find it repulsive.

It's imperative that we maintain
a believable cover.

While I infiltrate and sabotage
the nuke-u-lar power plant.

That's "nuclear," Dad.

Lesson number one
most people say "nuke-u-lar."

Next time, get it right.

You come glowingly recommended,
Richard.

We're lucky to have you
at Tate-Lawrence.

I worked with the same system
in Baltimore for seven years.

I can debug anything.

Yes, but this is a nucular
power plant, not a rent-a-car firm.

Do you realize the danger of letting
so much as one glitch slip by?

I understand
that a reactor catastrophe

can kill a minimum
of 50,000 people,

injure another 1 to 500,000, and render
uninhabitable a land mass the size of Delaware.

Good!
You'll start tomorrow.

Yeah, Yeah, come-on, listen

Come on, come on,
come on.

Tuck your shirt in.

Strictly average,
ladies.

Good enough
for me.

You'll sing a different tune when your
parents get your report card, sweetie.

Coach Himler always rags
on Mondays.

She doesn't scare me.

Wait till she
corners you in the shower.

Hi, boys.

Don't pop a chubby
on our account.

Hey, Courtney,
who's your friend?

Vince Samson voted best
hair in the senior class.

I�m Sally Applegate.

Whoa, time out! You guys moved into the
house across the street from us, right?

I guess so.

Then you met
my dad already.

He didn't tell me that we had
such a tasty new neighbor.

Keep it
in your pants, Samson.

We got to go.

So, what's
the new girl like?

I think she needs
her temperature taken

with an all-beef thermometer.

He's kind of cute.
- And he knows it!

Too bad
he's such a worm!

watch him squirm.

That's really neat,
Junior.

Heads up!

That's a warning,
Cartwright.

The next time you fink
on us, we knife you.

Gosh, I didn't tell.
- Smoke?

Ah, come on, Appleseed,
everybody smokes,

Except for dorks
like Cartwright.

Actually, only 2.3%
of all 15-year-olds smoke.

You said you
were into metal.

Yo, get hip!

Dipshits.

Stay away from
Kevin and Kenny.

They're hooked
on Jerry's kids.

What's that?

Some kind of dope that
makes you act like a spaz.

Mmm.

Dick Applegate.
Ma'am. Yes, ma'am!

It's Aunt Bea.

The lines are tapped, so we'll have
to speak English. Give me an update.

The first infiltration is successful.

We'll be ready to blow-up the nucular
power plant by the time you get here.

Now, they don't suspect that
you're different at all, do they?

We have taken every precaution
to suggest normalcy.

They're all convinced
we're a typical American family.

Okay, well, just keep up
- Un donna bova

You homo sapien scum!

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing, nothing...
it's just some asshole tried to rape me.

Look, ah, just keep up the act,

and we'll buzz up there in about
3 months and finish the job.

Check.
- Oh, oh and Dick...

...one more thing.
- Yeah?

If you screw up,
- Yeah?

I will personally suck the
juice from your exocranium.

comprende?

Yes, ma'am.

Wshew!
- How's Aunt Bea?

Her usual cheerful self.
- Those darn queens!

How's the pie coming?

You know, cooking
is a lot easier than I thought.

Another slice
of chocolate coming up.

So, how was
school today, Sally?

I tried out for cheerleading.

who gave you
permission?

All the girls are doing it.

Now, you know fully well

that only 5% of all high
school girls are cheerleaders.

And the rest are lepers.

Your mother is right, Pumpkin,
none of us can risk that kind of attention.

I detest this place.

I miss my friends.

Yeah, me too.

Johhny, eat some more sugar,
you're still growing.

I�m already full.

If you don't eat dinner,
you can't have dessert.

Did someone say "dessert"?

I happened to find
a pile of rancid trash

in the dumpster behind the 7-11.

Mmm!

Dick, do you think we're
jeopardizing the mission

by bringing
the children along?

No, they're good
for image, Jane.

Well, what if they slip up?

We're all highly
adaptive creatures, Honey.

Besides, all we have to do is lay the
groundwork until Aunt Bea gets here.

It's not like we're asking them
to dig tunnels or anything.

Oh, Dick,
you changed without me.

I always forget
how handsome you really are.

Okay, crawlers,
rise and mutate.

For protection, many insects
have chameleon-like qualities,

able to take on the form
of plants, or even small animals.

And, as everyone knows

insects would be
the Earth's sole survivors

after a nucular holocaust.

Did you know that there are
more species of insects

than there are
individual humans?

Entomologists speculate that
millions of undiscovered species

exist in the forests...

Kevin? Kenny?

Shut that off!

All right.

Who learned something
from the movie, huh?

Ah... John Applegate.

Well, I learned that insects do lots
of good things for the environment.

Please. bugs are sickening.

They eat dog doo.

Yeah, well, at least they don't
go around tearing down forests.

ruining
the ecological chain,

perforating the ozone layer, and
obliterating other species.

Very good.

That brings us to the next class assignment,
which is...

to make
a bug collection!

What?

and Mr. Applegate, I expect

a very thorough collection
from you.

Dottie, I need a full set
of schematics for the control room.

Can you track them down for me?

I�II see what I can do, Mr. A.

Hold still, fella.

I�m not going to hurt you.

This is for
your own good, pal.

Mr A? Mr A?

Oh.

I've got a fly trapped in here.
Can you lend a hand?

You want me to squash it
for you?

No!
Just grab that piece of paper to trap him!

What's this about schematics
to the control room?

Oh, I just wanted to
take a copy home

to work on that system analysis
you asked for.

If I knew that Dottie was
going to bother you about it

Sorry, Richard, those documents
are highly classified.

And, what are you doing
on top of that desk?

I've got a fly
trapped in here.

Well,
squash the damn thing and get back to work.

This is a nucular power plant,
not a wildlife preserve.

Ooh! Sorry.

Bingo.

Grow a backbone already.
Geez!

How am I supposed to study
Romeo and Juliet

with you blubbering
like a day-old larva?

Well, let's see you
kill it.

I would if I had to. It's not
so hard to act human.

Why, Mrs. Applegate,

how kind of you to come
to our church picnic.

Thank you Pastor Cooter, we were certainly
impressed by your sermon this morning.

And I am impressed
by your chocolate delicacy.

Is it homemade?

It's an old family recipe.

Steer clear of the deviled eggs,
my mom made 'em.

I�m sort of on a diet
anyway.

Let's go eat out
in the cemetery.

What do you think I am,
an idiot?

I know about your rep.

Come on, I'm not
going to do anything!

This is church.

What line of work
you do, Dick?

Computers.

Richard here is
an expert in debugging.

Well, how do you like that?
I�m a debugger myself.

You work with computers?

Hell, no,
I�m an exterminator.

In order to kill bugs,
you got to think like a bug.

They know,
if you catch them

they'll end up on the bottom
of your shoe all crushed.

So what do they do?

They try to blend in
with the furniture.

Funny, I never
thought of that.

Well, that's why you
need an expert.

I could sniff out a bug through
a cloud of french perfume.

To me, it's not
just a job.

It's like religion or great sex.

Know what I mean, Jane?

Right.

By the way, my rates
are also very reasonable.

I�II beat any
advertised price in town.

Thank you, Greg,
but I keep a clean house.

You'd be surprised.

Some of the best-kept,
most richest homes

are outright infested.

Hey, these deviled eggsare mighty tasty.
Did everybody try one?

Looks like Pastor Cooter isn't
stopping with your eggs, Nita.

My God,
what a porker!

I don't think I can commit
to a relationship.

I'm not asking you
to go steady.

Don't come any closer.

I�m sorry,
but you asked for it.

That's okay.
I like rough trade.

Aren't they cute?

Oh, damn! those bugs
have been chewing on me all day.

Time to bring out
the latest in high tech.

What'cha got there Greg?

Sonic bug repeller.

This puts out a sound

you and me can't hear,
but, sweet Jesus!

It drives those
little creatures bonkers.

You can take this out...

Wherever you are
that bugs are bothering you

you can get these things
turned on...

You just set one of these things
down beside you wherever you are...

Works great!

Them bugs are going
to drop dead.

They're not biting me!

Nothing spoils a nice day more
than a human-infested picnic.

How was your day, Sally?

It was okay.

She spent the whole time rolling
in the mud with that Vince person.

Sally, you keep away
from that boy.

His father's a killer.

I�II break into the records room,
here on the main floor of the plant.

Then once I
get the schematics

this will be
our line of attack.

Off to the mall...
be back later.

Why don't you take
your brother along?

Mother, please!
He's so immature!

Do as your mother says, your brother
spends too much time in his room.

Okay, get lost.

What about the mall?

Where are you
really going?

None of your beeswax.

Well, how am I
going to get home?

Well, you should have thought of
that before you came along. Scram!

So I guess you play
a lot of sports?

I go in for all kinds
of extra-curricular activities.

What happened
to your neck?

I must have got bitten
by a mosquito at the picnic.

All right!
More rough trade.

No, listen, I have
to pick up my brother.

Don't worry
about that little twerp.

Watch it, dude.

Human trash!

Wait a minute.
What are you doing?

I don't want to do this.

You do and you know it.

Stop!

Oh, Sally...

Stop or
I�II make you stop.

It's... too... late.

Mommy! Mommy!

She dumped me off in the middle of nowhere.
I had to walk home.

Sally, I want an explanation.

He's lying.

When we got to the mall,
he ran off.

I met some friends
and we shopped until 9:00.

I waited around 2 hours
before I left.

You did not!

Why would I
leave you there?

I was worried sick
that something happened to you.

She's making it up.

I�m disappointed
in you, Johhny.

You exercised poor judgment
in walking home, now I'm going to
have to ground you for 2 weeks.

What?!
- Now, apologize to your sister.

I hate all of you!

Sally, keep an eye on him. If he slips,
we could all wind-up in the ant farm.

Dick Applegate.

Hello there.

What?

Oh, my God!

No, no. I haven't.

When? Tonight?

Yes, of course we'll be there.
Bye-Bye!

Something terrible has happened.

What?

the Samson boy's been kidnapped.

He didn't come home
last night.

Wow! Jesus H.

Is there no one safe from
the human crime element?
- Even our own children!

Greg Samson called for a meeting at
the town hall tonight. We should go.

And now, no one
is safe in here in Median.

because if this could happen
to a good kid like my Vince,

it could happen
to any of your children.

Oh, dear God!

Bring me back my little boy.

He never hurt nobody.

Sheriff Heidegger

Might you have
something to add?

I think the most
important thing

is not to become hysterical.

This is an isolated incident,
so there's no reason to panic.

How can you say that?

No one's seen Vincent
for 24 hours.

Isn't that a good reason?

There's no ransom note.
He might have simply run away.

Or, he might be at the bottom
of the Chiquitahoochee river!

If some butthole tried to kidnap me,
I'd cut off his dick with my shiv.

This is bullshit, man.
Vince probably skipped to Columbus

for some big-city poon tang.

Yeah!

Hey, Appleseed,
your family's loaded, right?

Well, yeah my dad makes
an average salary.

If you want,
we can invest

some of your bread.

We'll double
your dough, man.

Really? Well, how much
do you need?

At least two �C�s.

Two what?

$200. Dipshit!

I don't know.
that's a lot.

Filch it
from your old man.

No way! If he found out,
he'd excrete a brick.

Besides, I�m already
grounded for 2 weeks.

Parents are pigs.

Since the Sheriff doesn't
want to get involved

it looks like we're gloing to
have to protect ourselves.

Now, hold on a minute!

Hold your own Goddamn minute!
- Gentlemen, please!

Where's Johnny? Johhnny! Johnny!
Johnny? Any one seen Johnny?

Four weeks?!

I�II ground you permanently if you
continue to jeopardize our mission.

You people are pigs!

40, 60, 80, 200.

Not bad, Appleface,
where'd you get it?

I stole it
from my old man.

So. how are you going
to invest it?

The drop's tonight
at der Wienerschnitzel.

700.
Be there.

I can't.
I�m still grounded.

Bummer, dude!

Aah! It's my bitch sister.

I got to go. Later!
- See ya!

Hey, Sally.

Can you believe that shit
about Vince?

What about it?

I bet some pervo's got him
tied up with barbed wire,

juicing his testicles
with an electric cattle prod.

If he hasn't
wasted him already.

Who cares anyway?

Hunting for bargains,
Jane?

Ugh!
Oh, hi, Opal.

Hey! You want to go shopping?

Umm, no, I've really got a lot
of errands to do, and umm. I

Where's my car?

It was here
a minute ago.

Honey, don't they tow cars
where you come from?

Tow?

Come on. Get in the car.
I'll take you to the garage.

You really don't mind?
- No problem. I just have to
make a few stops first.

I'm not really much
of a consumer, Opal.

Oh, really Jane,
that sounds so un-American.

Oh! What do you
think of this?

It would look great on you!
- Oh, I'm sure that dress would cost a fortune.

So? put it on plastic.

Plastic?

You know,
credit cards.

You did bring yours,
didn't you?

No, we don't...

Dick, ah, doesn't
let me have any.

Janey!

Never let a husband deprive you
of life's basic necessities!

Now, where it says "occupation"

Do I say housewife?

Hell, no! Say you sell
Mary Kay cosmetics.

But that's a lie!
What if they check up on me?

Put my name down
as your boss.

and I�II tell them you earned
$50 grand last year.

Oh look, this bracelet
goes perfect with the dress.

You know, Opal, I really should check
with Dick before I spend all this money.

What is the point of instant credit
if you've got to wait to use it?

At least get it
on approval.

This poor plant is dying.

Oh, yeah.

They all dry up here.
It's the radiation.

You should see
what it does to my cuticles.

What a shame! These roses are so
beautiful when they're in bloom.

It still looks
okay to me.

I suppose even a fading flower
is still a flower.

that's very poetic,
Mr. A.

What I meant to say is

some flowers look their best
just before the petals drop.

Sort of a last burst
of beauty.

You're a very sensitive man,
Mr. A.

I might as well tell you, Dottie,
sensitive or not, I-I'm ah, a married man.

I didn't mean it that way.

I know.
- Do I look like a homewrecker?

No, of course not.
I�m sorry.

If you ask me

you're the one
with sex on the brain.

What did you say
this drink was called again?

Grasshopper.

It's too sweet
if you ask me.

No, I don't think so.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Withers,
but this one didn't go through either.

Okay, Sugar,
pick one of these.

Those bastards
at American Express,

they never give an inch.

So, what do you think of it
here in Median?

I�m not really used to being alone
in the house all day, but

You can go shopping
with me anytime.

That's very nice of you.

Would you excuse me
for a moment.

When she comes back,
I�II have another.

Hi!

Honey, I�m home.

Where have you been? I've been chewing
the carpet waiting for you to get home.

It was awful!

Opal Withers made me wallow
in decadent consumerism.

Why didn't you call? There's a kidnapper on
the loose. For all I knew, you were dead!

Oh, I�m sorry.
The car was towed.

Not to mention dinner. There's not
a speck of trash around the house.

The kids and I had to eat
the morning paper.

I said I was sorry.
I don't know what more I can say.

What is that you're wearing?

You like it?

No.

What is all this junk?

God, humans do such repulsive
things to their bodies.

Wait a second.

How did you pay for this?

I put it on credit.

Another vile human custom.

Just make sure you take it all back.
We're not made of money, you know!

Open up, Applesauce.

Hey, keep it down,
you guys.

You guys got my money?

No way, man. We got something better.
Check it out!

Righteous poona, dude.

Augh! No!

No. You don't eat it,
moron, you smoke it!

Gee, are guys sure that's safe?

We do it
all the time.

Look at us.

All right.

One more puff.

Hand me that
roach, man.

What?

The roach.

Wha..?

Are you loaded or what?

Augh! Everything's spinning.

Hey, hey, don't ralph
on that doob.

Yeah, give it here!

Dude!

This pot must be dusted.
He looks like a mutant.

Man, this is some creepy shit!

What happened to Johnny?

I think that fucking
mutant ate him.

Oh no, man!
He's going to fucking eat us! Noooo...!

Now, I�II admit I underestimated
the problem at first.

So, I now advise

all of you to keep watch
on your neighbors,

and let me know
if you suspect any foul play.

You're right, Sheriff...BUT...

...it's going to take more than
vigilance to lick this problem.

It's going to take...
money too!

Now, how do we
raise the funds

to put the pictures
of God's little lambs

on milk cartons?

We could have a bake sale.

Nobody wants to buy
your old moldy cakes, Martha.

I have a better idea.

Let's put on a musical.

Dinky wrote a show.

What's it about, Russell?

It's a revue!
- Now, Opal, don't embarrass me.

The show's called
'People are Neat.'

And it's about peace,
love, brotherhood...

and the free market system.

That sounds dandy.

Amen.

Let me add that if I catch
the kidnapper of my poor son

I�II offer him
Christian forgiveness,

then I�II skin his honkers
and use them for chamois cloths.

Amen!

According to the E.P.A., the greenhouse
effect has been greatly exaggerated

Dick?

What?

What do you
think of this?

Think about what?

A greenhouse.

We could put one
in the backyard.

It has Tropical foliage,
climate control,

automatic mist regulator,
only $12,000.

The kids would love it.

What do you think about
putting down that brochure

and doing
a little mating?

You know we're
not in season.

Come on,
just for the heck of it.

You know, I don't think you're taking
this greenhouse thing seriously.

We've been here 2 months,
all you've done is spend money.

I�m just trying to act like
a normal American housewife.

Yeah, well, you've nearly depleted
our bank account in the process,

besides, normal housewives
have sex with their husbands,

and not just for procreation.

Not according
to my research.

Yeah, yeah,
your research!

Have fun sleeping alone
tonight, Dick.

You want to join in
with the fun and the action

It's past your bedtime!
- What are you gonna do about it?

Would you go to your room and for
Christ's sake, would you clean it up,

not even humans
are that filthy.

Again, the design is that the machine
does all the work.

It weighs 8 pounds and
balances itself on the 4 corners.

And it has a heavy-duty motor
built for a long heavy-duty use.

How is it on the feet?
- Well, if you're treating someone else,

what you do is just
face...

Oh, that's gotta feel great!
Oh!

Absolutely, if I was to put it
on one part of the body

Hello. I�m calling in regard
to the wellness thumper.

Shit.

Well, I don't understand,
I have $1,000. as my limit.

I just got the card today.

No, I�II have you know that over
300,000 businesses in this country

accept the Discover Card.

So anyway, we went shopping
for this baby furniture

and I found the most incredible
antique baby crib

at a steal for $2,000.

Even though Jeffrey
prefers the mahogany one

he feels so guilty
about being sterile

I think he's gonna
get it for me.

Despite the fact,
you know, that I'm

Sally, how long
have you been pregnant?

Uh, almost three months.

Well, you're hardly showing.

Are you kidding?
Look at this.

Wow. is your husband
excited?

What husband, pinhead?

The jerk skipped town
and took his trailer with him.

How does that make you feel?

I feel bitter, Gail.

I hate men.

Right on, sister.

Going to Rio, amigo?

You cocksucker.

Well, we'll never get
to Ohio at this rate.

Maybe it's your dress.

Why, you little...
- There's another boat coming!

Jorge!

Look, I want you to wade out in
the river and flag that boat down.

There are piranhas in there.
- So?

I'm not going in that water.

Jorge, a big bug like you
is afraid of a few little fish?

They're piranhas.
They're about that big.

That boat is not gonna stop.

It might.

Aaah!

Help! Help!

My baby's drowning.

Help me, please!

Help!

My child!

My child is drowning.

God bless you, sir.

My baby just dropped
into the river by mistake

and God bless you,
please save him.

Okay, everybody.

Load up! Let's go.

Move! Move out!

Can't you drones make this boat
go any faster at all?

We're still 600 km from Rio.

I hate doing this.

I heard that, Hector.

Those courageous Applegates,

risking their necks
to save our species,

and all you can do
is think about yourself?

So self-centered!

Mrs. Applegate?

Yes, Sheriff?

Is your daughter home?

Has she done
something wrong?

She hasn't been
in school for a week

and I need to ask
a few questions.

Well, won't you
come right in?

Why are you asking me?

Some of your friends
at school said

they saw you with Vince
the night he disappeared.

That's a lie!

He asked me out, but I said no,
based on his behavior at the church picnic.

What did he do
at the picnic?

He tried to
get me drunk.

He got some beer in Akron.
- In Akron?

Yeah, he-he met

some older guy there who got
it for him after the game.

Who was this guy,
did he say?

I don't know.

Larry somebody...
it started with a "K."

What else did Vince say
about this guy?

Nothing.

Just that he was real friendly,
you know?

Do you think there might have
been any homosexual activity?

Beats me.

Well, Vince didn't seem
like that type.

Maybe he was in the closet.

You didn't see anything, Spot.

How come you never mentioned
this man Larry before?

I forgot about it.

What happened that night
you took Johnny to the mall?

I met some friends.

You didn't see Vince,
did you?

What is this, Nuremberg?

Answer my question.

Lay off me, mom.
I feel sick enough already.

You look
plenty healthy to me.

Does daddy know
you bought all this stuff?

Don't change the subject.
When are you going back to school?

I�m never going back
to that hellhole.

Young lady, you better
drop that attitude

or we're shipping you
right back to Brazil.

Huhhh!

Oh, for crying...

Damn rats!

Aoooh!
Whewww!

Dottie, Hi

Well...

I, uh... figured
you'd come looking for it

sooner or later.

Looking for what?

Are you playing games
with me?

No, not at all.
This isn't what you think.

Well, then, ah,
where are your clothes Mr. A?

You're right, Dottie.
I can't control my lust any longer.

Hi.

Boy, oh boy, some traffic
on the way home from work.

Glad you started without me.

Had a good day
at the office, dear?

No, it was exhausting.

By the way, there was $200
missing from the drawer upstairs.

Did you take it?

You calling me a thief?

I�m done.

Me too.

Are you wearing cologne?

Oh, excuse me, Spot.

Hey, what's up, dudes?

You guys weren't kidding.

This is a pure high.

But my dad's found out about
the missing cash.

You two don't mind if I sell your
half to pay it back, do you?

I didn't think so.

Oh, I�m peaking.

Spot, come here.

Whoa...

Down, Spot.

Oh, fuck!

Spot?

Spot!

Spot!

Morning, Jane.

Say, what's this
your daughter's been saying

about Vince and some h-homo
in Akron?

Oh, I'm sure it was just
something Vince said to Sally.

Have you seen Spot?

No.

Don't worry.
Pets always find their way home.
- Hhhhhah

Greg, I�m really sorry
about your son.

I'm sure he'll turn up.

I'd give anything
if I could believe that.

I just ran into Jane Applegate.

Did you ask her why Sally
called Vince a fag?

No,
she's all bent out of shape over their dog.

Something really weird
about that family.

Just can't figure it.

Olaf?

What you got there,
boy?

My God! What is it?

How the hell
should I know?

Look, it's got
Spot's collar on it.

Damn it, Greg.

I just mopped the floor.

I never seen a bug
that big before.

Come to think of it

I never seen no bug
wearing a collar before.

Oh!

No, no, I quite understand,

and from now on,
I promise to pay on time.

You've already refinanced the house and
the cars. There's no collateral left.

In fact, payment pending,
we start repossessing next week.

Can I at least have
my Mastercard back?

Credit is a valuable commodity.

I'm afraid you've abused it.

Pretty please?

Good day, ma'am.

Asshole.

That little remark goes in your file,
Mrs. Applegate.

You just put this in your file,
you petty functionary

Could I have
some assistance, please?

Do you think you're
the only bank in town?

I mean, I don't need
your money, anyway.

I mean, Plenty of banks
would be delighted

to have me as a customer.
Thank you. Thank you!

Is your mother here?

No.

I think I found out
what happened to Spot.

It ain't pretty.

What?

You're not gonna
believe this.

But, Spot's collar was on a
big bug that Olaf dragged in.

It looks like the bug ate Spot
before Olaf got there.

A big bug?

Bullshit! Where is it?

I sent it over to the college
for some tests.

Can't I come in?
- No. I'm sick. You can't come in right now.

How come you never told us
about that Larry guy in Akron?

I said, I�m sick.
Now fuck off!

No, not within 40,000 miles.

The line is busy again. How are we
going to tell them we're on our way?

Those assholes.

We'll just surprise them, that's all.
That's their problem!

Nope. Come on, next.

Ah, now this I hate.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, now we're talking.

Passport, please.

This you?
- Yeah.

Bea cocorada
- Right.

That's a woman's name.
Says here you're a female.

You got a problem
with that, pal?

No, sir.

Have you got anything to declare?
- No.

Taxable items? - No.
Fruit? - Nothing.
Bananas? - Nothing at all.

What's that
in your pocket?

Nothing, just glad to see you.

As much as one strange fruit fly
crosses this border...

could cause an
ecological catastrophe.

Ooh!

Hand it over!

There you go.

Well, Dick works overtime so much overtime,
we hardly see each other anymore.

Oh, believe me, Jane,
You can't do enough to keep a husband.

Especially with all those hot-blooded
secretaries wiggling around like bitches in heat.

Well, luckily for me, Dick's more
the cold-blooded type.

Ah, please! Put a man in a private office,
give him a swivel-hipped heifer

to asnwer the phone,
and it's just a matter of time.

Teal. Janie, it's your color.

Oh, huh, thanks, Opal But I really
am trying to curb my spending.

Well, I think I�II try
this one on in blush.

Yeah, I�II be back
in a flash.

I want you to know how much
I appreciate your efficiency, Dottie.

You can expect a big bonus
come Christmas.

Mmm, feels to me like Christmas
came early this year.

You can tell your chiefs at the N.R.C.
that Russell Withers

runs the tightest ship
in the industry.

Take me now, Dick!
Slam it to me! Ride me on the desk

I�m the baloney pony, baby.

I�m going to splay you
like a Cornish game hen.

Ooh, Dick! Don't stop!

What's going on in there?

With you in a second,
Mr. Withers.

Hard at work, huh?

I can explain.

Tell it to the unemployment office,
Applegate, you're both fired!

He made me do it.

Put a lid on it slop,
this is a nucular power plant

not a cathouse.

I want you off the premises...now!

Look what you've gone and done.
- Me?

Thanks to you,
I�m going to be on welfare.

Well, what about me? How am I gonna get
another job with this on my resum�?

That's your problem.

Eat and run?

Is that it?

Sorry, Dick

This meal isn't free.

I want severance pay.

Talk to Withers.

Or maybe I�II talk to your wife.

You wouldn't dare.

Try me.

On the other hand, a small monthly
allowance would buy my discretion.

How about 50 bucks?

Try four digits.

You can't wipe your hands
that easily.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh...

What are you doing home early?

Thought I'd take
the afternoon off,

watch some curling.
Where have you been?

Back off.
I haven't spent a dime.

What else
did you do today?

Nothing.

Lying, unfaithful scum!
- Oh!

W-what did I do
you crazy bitch?

You're a disgrace to your species.
Look at your face!

It's not what you think.

You're a miserable failure,
Dick Applegate.

We came here on a crusade
to fulfill our manifest destiny!

and all you've done
so far, is screw up.

I had to do it,
you've gotta believe me!

Take your hands off me!

Who knows what filthy
human diseases you've picked up?

Who knows
what filthy bug diseases

this thing has spread?

What the hell is it?

Some kind
of South American beetle.

Dr. Fishpaw said
he'd never seen one so big.

Now, you don't expect me to believe this
thing was wearing a dog collar, do you?

Not just any dog collar.

Spot Applegate's collar.

You'll be happy to know that I got a
lead on three 'Larry K.'s in Akron,

All with records.

Look, the way I figure it

the Applegates, they brought
a bunch of these bugs

up here with them
from Baltimore.

Now, maybe
it's some Satanic thing

with human sacrifice
and backwards rock music,

or maybe
they're just Communists.

Whatever it is, they're evil.

I know it.

Greg, would you please stop
persecuting these poor people.

Now, you and I both know

they wouldn't harm a fly.

Fives, tens, and 20s,
and don't Dick around with the ones!

Yes sir!
- Hurry it up! Your brains are slushy!

And while you're at it,
throw in one of those.

Was I speeding, Sheriff?

Yeah, about 40 miles
over the speed limit.

I didn't see the sign.

Have you been drinking,
Mrs. Applegate?

I had a cup of coffee.

What's this all about?

Someone in a car like yours
just held up a convenience store.

What a coincidence.

Mmm. I�II gonna have to ask you
to step out of the car.

Certainly.

I�II eat the hind end

out of a rag doll.

I never in a million years...

Ow. Ow.

Ooh.
Come on!

Oh! Oh!

Whoops!

Oh, God.

Yo, I got spooked
you guys were moving around.

What the hell is going on?

Dad.

So you're the one.

How dare you
take captives?

Well, I didn't want to,
but they found out.

Oh, so you panicked and risked
everything we've worked for.

How could you be so weak?

It wasn't my fault.

They made me try drugs
and I couldn't stop.

Ow!

What's that,
under the quilt, Johnny?

If that's Vince Samson,
so help me...

Mom?

The Sheriff?

What are you looking at?
I had my reasons.

Name one.

I will,
once I've had a drink.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Great.
Turn to the bottle.

Shit.

Would you get out of my way?
- No.

Oh! Ah! Umm!

I was waiting for the
right time to tell you.

Later, Gail.

Bye.

How's tricks?

You tell us, Butch.

Eat shit and die.

Stop it, you two.

Sally, what happened
to your stomach?

What does it look like?
I've got a bun in the oven.

Who did this to my little girl?
- Vince Samson.

Shit!

I might as well 'fess-up,
I bagged that Dickhead after he porked me.

I've got him cocooned in
the basement right now.

You mated with a human?!

Oh, gross me out!

What was going through
your mind young lady?

Didn't you think by taking a hostage
you might arouse suspicion?

What was I supposed to do,
let him fuck me so he could tell his friends

what a great piece of ass I am?

When did you learn
to be such a potty mouth?

I've learned plenty
in the last few months.

Like what?

Like all men care about
is pussy.

Isn't that the truth!

What he hell do you think you're doing,
Johnny?

It's the only way
I can cope, dad.

Huh! Meet the Applegate kids,
a couple of losers!

That's right,
blame the kids.

You set such
a sparkling example!

Yeah, you're
the one that got fired.

How did you find out about that?

One of my dope customers
works at the nuke plant.

Fired?

You're not so much
prettier, mom.

What are you trying to say?
- The bank called a couple of hours ago,

they're coming tomorrow
to repossess the furniture.

Not my furniture!

Shut up, all of you!

I�m getting a migraine.

You'll have to get rid
of that thing, Sally.

No. No!
I�m keeping it,

I don't care if it is a half-breed.
It's still my baby!

Gail and I are gonna
raise it together.

Yeah, well what's Gail going to say

when a kid with a shiny black
exoskeleton calls her "daddy"?

Hey, hey hey hey!

Fuck 'em.
Let them fight.

I don't care anymore.

Fight! Let them
kill each other!

I'm sick and tired too.

The hell with you all!

There goes
the neighborhood.

that's it, strangle him!

Here, let me help you.

Ah, shut up yourself!

We're sorry.

You have reached a number
that is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached
this recording in error

All right, let's go.

Are you Richard Applegate?

What did I do now?

Everything right,
Mr. Applegate.

Congratulations.

I don't understand,
who are you?

I'm Rich Block,
this is Glen Shedd.

Family Bazaar Magazine.

You and your family has been
chosen by our publication

as the most normal family
in America.

Surely you've
been notified.

No, I didn't
hear a thing.

Why us?

Well, every year,
Family Bazaar consults

the U.S. Census update.

This year, your family hit every single norm,
right on the nose.

What are you going to do to us?
- Shh! Shh! Shh!

Well, you'll receive
many fabulous prizes,

including half-a-million
dollars in cash,

and a brand-new,
three-story dream house.

You can drive there
in your very own motor home.

Hey, who are these pods?

What else can they take?

Uh, who's he?

The gardener,
don't mind him.

Oh, bogus, dad,
totally bo-g.

Hey,
how come there's no furniture in this house?

We're redecorating.

Mom, I feel sick.

If that's
your daughter

and she's as ripe
as she looks,

the deal's off.

What's going on here?

You guys are supposed
to be normal,

not a bunch of weirdos.

Would you like a fat lip, mister,

to match your fat ass?
- Hey!

Get lost.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh my God,
she's going to blow.

Get out of here,
both of you.

Johnny, Johnny! Come here!
I want you to get me some warm mud,
and a bag of fertilizer OK?

I can't believe this.
I�m too stoned.

Do as your mother says.
Run! Run!

You're right.

We'll be off now.

Yeah.

Sorry to bother you.

What are we going
to do with them?

Kill them.

They murdered my baby.

No!

Let's split before
the pigs drop on us.

We can't do that.

Bea's counting on us.

If only we could just...

go somewhere and think.

Hey, man,

those geeks
left us an R.V.

We could go camping.

That's a stupid idea.

Why not?

Bea won't be here for a few weeks.
We could use a vacation.

Fall in.

Move it. Now, give me
a straight line here!

Now, listen up.

From this point on,
we become a machine,

a tight military machine.

You understand that?
Yes, sir

Can't hear you!
- Yes, sir!

Move out!

This is a gas Jane! We haven't
had so much fun in years.

Look at the kids!

Marco!

Polo!

Tag, you're it!

Oh, Jane, this is just like
the old days back home.

Last one back to camp
is a rotten egg.

That's not funny, Johnny.

Oh my God.

Humans!

So, we'll write Aunt Bea and tell her
we couldn't nuke the power plant.

What if she doesn't belive us?

She's still in Brazil,
she'll never know the difference.

�...six bottles of beer
on the wall �

� if one of the bottles
should happen to fall, �

� five bottles of beer
on the wall. �

� Five bottles of beer
on the wall... �

Paco, Miguel, cousin Hector.

Great to see you guys!

Sonya, Consuela.

Can I get anybody
anything?

Aunt Bea, is that you?

You've got it.
- You look so...

virile.

But I like it.

We'll talk hormones later!

Right now, I think we ought
to have a little tete-a-tete.

Sure, sure.
What can I tell you?

Correct me
if I�m wrong, private,

but from what I've seen around here,
none of your mission has been accomplished.

That's not precisely true.

Where are the blueprints?!
the reconaissance? The strategy?

I'm hours away
from all that stuff.

You were given a mission,
and you fucked it up, mister!

I'd say you're all
in deep shit right about now.

It's not that simple to blow up
a nuk-ular power plant.

Maybe not for a pea-brain,

but it didn't take me long
to devise a plan.

We have started a tunnel from your cellar
directly to the core of the plant.

I estimate meltdown
in about 24 hours.

Maybe then, the world
will be safe for the insects again!

Now, take them
to the attic!

Everybody else,
back to work!

The attic?

Well, well, well...

everybody comfy?

Gee, I hope so.

Okay, Dickie boy,
it's check-signing time.

It'll bounce.

Like I give a shit!

Ah, by the time those things
turn to rubber

I�II have
all the dynamite I need.

Be realistic! One nucular accident
won't end the human race.

oh, Dick, Dick, Dick...

what happened to you?

Don't you understand?

With human beings

it's every man
for himself,

and with us,
it's just like a little team,

working for the benefit
of the species.

Oh, please.

Insect socialism is for
the benefit of one person you!

The rest of us
get jack shit.

Well then, why don't you just
crawl back to Brazil.

Why don't you just throw out a
welcome mat for those assholes.

Let them just obliterate
the rest of the rain forest.

As for me, I�m going to stick
around here and kick some ass.

You know,
I used to think you had queen potential.

You little pissant.

But if we just
give them a chance.

Hey, I don't want any lip out of you OK?
Just sign the goddamn checks!

Today the eighth?

Exactly.

I think the drones ought to be
through with the tunnel by now.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, thank you very much.

Bid you adieu.

Oh, uh, one other thing, Dick.

As soon as I pick-up
the dynamite,

I�m going to come back here and
pull your legs out one by one.

Bitch!

Dig, you morons!

Dig! Dig! Dig!

I've seen aphids work
faster than this!

We're hitting the core now,
Aunt Bea. Jeez.

Wait a second.

I think Bea opened me up
a little.

I think I can move.

Nice going, Dick.

Greg!

Nita!

Help us!

Oh, no!
Not that asshole, Dick Applegate.

Looks like he
wants something.

Sorry, Applegate, we take Sunday off
to honor God and the baby Jesus.

Besides,
we're in the matinee for "People are Neat."

No, don't leave us here!

Giant bugs
have us trapped!

Your son, Vince, is up here too.

Vincent..?

You stay here.

But...

Where's my boy?

He's under there.

Get me loose,
and I�II give you a hand.

My butt!

Well, cut me another slice
of crow pie.

We'll give these insects
a taste of human justice.

Greg, let me handle this.

I got the gun, Pancho,
so shut-up and let me give the orders.

I'm telling you, you have
to get to the power plant.

I thought I told you
to keep quiet!

If I don't get there, before Aunt Bea,
the place will go up like a Roman Candle.

Move it!

Move it? Won't
anybody listen?

We've listened to you enough, bug!
- Anybody?

He's telling
the truth!

Please, you've gotta
listen to him!

Please!

What in the Good Lord's Name?!

These are the kidnappers,
Pastor,

it was the Applegates all along.

Is that true, Richard?

Well, yes and no, Mr. Withers.

Damn right, it's true!

Not only that... they're bugs.
The whole bunch of 'em.

Sex maniac bugs!

They stung us!

There's some rope backstage.

Let's string 'em up and
teach these bugs a lesson.
- Yeah!

You can't take the law
into your own hands.

I sure as shit ain't putting it
in your hands,

bug-lover.
- Oooo!

Got any last words

before we string you up

like a side of beef, insect?

Yes...

yes,

I do.

I know how repulsed
you must be by us insects.

I understand,

because we felt the same way
about you humans at first.

After all, it was humans
who drove us from our home.

You talk about the trouble
we've caused here.
My God,

look at yourselves.

Greg,

you like to spray
all your nasty chemicals

so you can kill us bugs.

Well, you just
keep spraying 'em

till you wind up poisoning
your own family

and finally
the whole goddamn town.

It's not bad enough
what you do to yourselves,

look what you've done to us,
to our home.

You clear-cut
the tropical rain forest

hundreds of acres a day.

Why?

So you can have beef patties
for a nickel cheaper.

Don't you see?
We came here because we had to.

Because the future
of our kids was at stake.

Then I saw you people and I realized
you're worried about your kids too.

And, that gave us doubts
about our mission.

I�II admit
we got confused

and we took hostages,

but you think about it.

Is there any one person here
who hasn't stepped on a bug?

You see, we're all guilty of
intolerances now and then.

So why don't we all
just join hands together,

and work on our problems.

Hey, let's let bygones
be bygones, okay?

It's a trick.
Nobody touch him.

Let's string him up right now.

Yeah!

Where are the Applegates?

You got a light?

Uh, I don't.

Do you have anything?

No, I don't have anything.

Never mind, I've got my own.

Don't go in there.

There's a giant bug
in the plant!

In here.

Burn, humans, burn!

Oh, we're too late.

I'm going in there.

I�m going with you.

You can't take the radiation.

I got to go and try
and stop the meltdown.

She's headin'
for the control room.

Radiate! Radiate!

Back off, Bea,
you miserable stinkbug.

Dick?

I knew I should have squashed you,
you fucking flea.

Come on baby, cool down!

Are we there yet?

We came here
to see the Applegates.

Tell Jane
Opal's here from Ohio.

Fancy seeing you here,
neighbors.

Anybody thirsty?

I love what you've done
with your home, Jane.

You can call me
Queen Jane now, Opal.

That's not all.

We're grandparents.

Oh, can I hold one?

Just don't drop it.

Hi, everybody.

Meet my new drone, Ray.

Hey, guys!

Johnny just got out of detox.
Oh!

Yeah, I've been straight
for three months.

We've all got our heads on
straight now.

When we got back
to the forest

we mobilized our friends
in the insect community

into a campaign of nonviolent
civil disobedience.

We're called the B.L.O.,
the Bug Liberation Organization.

Want to sign a petition?

It's a struggle, but we've already saved
thousands of acres through our protests.

We heard,

that's why we're here.

oh!

We owe you big

for saving our town

from nucular destruction.

Even though a little radiation
did slip through the cracks,

We still want to help you
save the forest.

It's a shame all humans
aren't like you guys.

Put her there!