Original subtitles

Come on, Phyllis

Where are we? I thought you were taking me home?

Evening. What can I do for you?

We'd like a double room

With shower and toilet? - Yes

Room 308. - Thanks

Come on - But...

Hello, Rebecca !

Hi, Robinson

Got a room? Lover boy wants to show me his dick

Excuse me for asking, but is there a...

Where in this hotel...

is there a contraceptive dispenser?

There are rubbers on every bedside table

It's part of the service

How thoughtful

I'm sure you're wondering what all this is about

You see, my dear...

I'm afraid I was lying this morning when I said you'd passed your exams

Lying? - Yes, Phyllis

You're 9 points short:

4 in sociology and 5 in psychology

- But that's terrible! - No, it isn't

You know why? Because I'm your examiner

You're a hard-working girl, Phyllis

You deserve to graduate

I'll just add 9 points to your grade. Nobody will know.

It'll be our little secret

But you have to do something for me

I'm crazy for you - Vice-principal!

I've worshipped you for years. Please take your blouse off.

You can't imagine how long I've waited for this moment.

The years of suffering...

Don't touch me!

Very well.

I don't want to force you,

but under the circumstances I can't help you either.

You're parents will be very disappointed. But you wanted it that way.

I see you're being sensible. That's good, Phyllis.

Don't cry. Please.

Hey, did you know that hotels give out free condoms?

What?

This safer sex campaign must be costing the government billions

There... Now just lie down and relax.

But...

What... ?

The Killer Condom

This is a non-smoking elevator, you jerk!

Stinks like an ashtray

Morning, Detective!

Hey, Macaroni! Some pimp over on 42nd Street put his mother in a clothes dryer

and threw it out the window. You want the case?

Give him a bottle of aspirin and a coffee first.

That isn't my department. You think I'm a fireman or something?

Damn right! Precisely!

Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr Macaroni!

Morning, Captain - Don't change the subject!

If I send for you, you're to move your ass getting here.

Is that clear?

It's my day off, sir.

See them?

I thought I'd seen everything but this takes the cake!

- Any motive? - No. One had a little coke,

one stinks of advocaat. Nothing major

Fact is, they bit off their clients...

... genitalia

There's a line of four pricks down the lab

but these girls are playing dumb.

- You said four pricks? - There's a fourth girl

She's no whore, mind. A clean kid from Oklahoma.

There was... all that blood...

and the p... p... penis...

jumped on the floor... and ran under the bed.

It's your case, Macaroni.

I want a report on my desk by this evening, OK?

Is sex always like that?

Look, we've been waiting for over half an hour.

Why are you holding our daughter?

We're not really sure what happened.

Oh my god...

Is she hurt? - Don't worry. Phyllis is OK.

It's just that the whole thing is a little delicate. You see...

Get to the point! What happened to her?

I don't want to worry you but... - Listen, Detective:

We didn't fly in from Farmville Oklahoma to listen to your lame excuses.

Either tell us what happened to her or let me speak to your superior!

In a sleazy hotel in one of the worst areas of New York,

your daughter bit off her college professor's penis.

Cigarette?

What was that?

It's a clear-cut case:

When we broke the door down to get in, Phyllis was on the bed screaming.

A man was found unconscious on the floor.

His penis was found under the bed.

There must be some mistake.

That isn't possible... Detective!

It might interest you to know that this isn't anything unusual.

Four penises bit the dust in that hotel last night.

And a guy out on 42nd Street put his mother-in-law in a clothes dryer

and threw it out the window.

This is New York, sir.

Things are a little different than in Farmville Oklahoma.

Take Phyllis home with you. She'll only pick up bad habits here.

You know what kids are like. They have to try everything.

What is it people like about this city?

I mean, some people go starry-eyed just at the mention of "New York".

New York: The city of cities, the ultimate metropolis.

Then they'll tell you about shitty museums and restaurants.

I spent my childhood in Sicily on my family's run-down plot of land.

It was quiet and peaceful and the wind blew through the trees.

I often think about those days when I'm stuck in traffic in New York,

caught between the pedestrians, the fumes and the busy streets.

The streets are a stinking cesspool, a playground for perverts.

Even good girls from Oklahoma end up biting off some guy's dick.

As a cop, you lose touch with reality.

You see nothing but filth and scum.

There may well be good things in this city,

but it's my job to rummage deep down in the dirt.

- Hi, Luigi. - Hi, Robinson.

Where did it happen?

Room 308. What's with these whores,

biting their Johns' dicks off? They live off those dicks.

OK. Give me the key to 308.

You'll find nothing but blood.

There's blood everywhere. It's going to cost me a fortune.

There's a trail of blood

from the bed to the bathroom, and there's gobs of it up the wall!

I can't leave it like that, can I?

I've seen a lot of things in my time,

but this really beats everything!

You've still got one, haven't you?

I'll send the D. A. the bill. What d'you think?

Who's the boy? - What boy?

That's Billy. Quite a good earner, that boy.

Brings in a lot of customers.

By the way, have you found the prick yet?

I looked everywhere: Under the cupboards, behind the toilet.

Quit yacking, Robinson. Give me the key.

What do you want in there, Luigi?

I already told you...

Did you know the little dick-chomper was under age?

If she hadn't bitten down so hard I'd have thought she had baby teeth.

Loogi!

Hi, Bob! What are you doing here?

I'm singing.

And I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette now.

This isn't exactly Broadway, but I heard that a famous producer screws here

He'll discover me, take me to Hollywood and I'll end up bathing in champagne.

- Good luck. - Loogi!

Don't call me Loogi. It's Luigi!

- Loogi doesn't exist anymore. - I always call you Loogi!

In our night, it drove you wild.

But you want to forget all that.

Exactly. And so should you, Bob.

Don't even think about it.

But I do! Loogi, we've got to talk!

I didn't know we had anything to talk about.

I'm in therapy.

Good. And I'm on duty.

Is that all you have to say?

Look at me, Loogi. You made me what I am.

My therapist says you need me.

That you love me, but you're too proud to show me your real feelings.

He says I remind you of your mother

and that you are plagued by the thought of having slept with your mother.

But Loogi...

I'm not your mother!

- Really? - I'm your boyfriend,

your girlfriend, even your mother, if you want.

Many men have sexual fantasies about their mother.

That's Psychology 101

- What sort of a therapist is he? - Remember how wonderful it all was...

What are you talking about, Bob? - You showed me what sex really means.

It was euphoria, ecstasy, passion, lust, pain and happiness!

It was the meaning of life!

It lasted 3 minutes maximum. I fell asleep halfway through.

I was wrong, Bob.

I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette.

And I love you.

Listen, Bob...

Babette!

OK, Babette.

Whatever happened that night,

I can't remember it, and I didn't want it to happen.

You should just forget me and try to get your act together.

You're not a transvestite...

I look like you mother and you love me.

My therapist told me that and it's true!

I've got work to do, Bob. See you.

Loogi! Who is that?

Leave me alone.

Are you having an affair with him?

- I pity you. - Oh, yeah? Well I pity you!

You're just afraid of your feelings!

Stronger personalities intimidate you!

You're nothing but a little Sicilian faggot!

if you call me a faggot again,

I'll squeeze the artificial hormones out of these pathetic tits, got it?

Go on, hit me!

I know you love me.

Who was that?

My mother. Didn't you hear?

Are you a cop or something?

Why?

Don't you screw cops?

Don't know. Never been asked before.

So are you a cop or not?

I have a dick like a cop, I screw like a cop, maybe I am a cop.

Imagine I'm an insurance salesman if it turns you on.

That's...

That's...

Exactly 32 centimetres.

Hey, can we get started?

- That's a real turn-on. - What?

Getting laid by a cop.

That rubber moved.

- I swear it did! - Bullshit!

Wait,

I've got some myself.

Black ones are sexier anyway.

Does it matter? You can't feel the difference.

I just don't trust these hotel ones.

What was that? - Some kind of bug.

- Really? - Yes.

A bug? That was the rubber. It hissed at us and ran away.

- You saw it too! - I didn't.

- I'm not stupid. It was the rubber. - Give me my lighter, will you?

- Where is it? - In my pants: right pocket.

- Here. - Thanks.

Hi Luigi.

Hi, Sam.

How's it hanging?

Crookedly.

The beast bit off my right ball.

What? That gay guy?

No! It was a condom, Sam.

There is a prick-eating rubber up there in that hotel room.

Really?

Well it looks like one anyway. The moment you roll it on, it bites you.

OK, Luigi. I'll tell you what I think:

You've got involved with a drug-crazed criminal call-boy again

who took a good bite in his frenzy.

Or else it was some sick sado-masochistic game.

- Something like that. - No!

No?

Robinson saw him running half-naked out the elevator into the street.

He panicked.

Have you ever seen a carnivorous condom?

It was hell Sam. You'd have run too.

OK, Luigi.

Oh, sorry. I just wanted to...

Detective Macaroni, smoking is not permitted in here.

If you do not put it out immediately, I shall get very unpleasant.

And that's a pill-box, not an ashtray.

Take the blue ones this evening and the red ones in the morning.

You've passed water. That's a good sign.

It means you're over the worst. - Thanks, Dr Riffleson.

That's what I'm here for.

No, I won't! And definitely not without a rubber.

You're so drunk you won't get a boner anyway.

Oh yeah? I always get a hard-on.

Are you serious? D'you really think I'm going to touch your filthy cock?

13 pricks, Sam!

When I was in hospital, 13 guys lost their pricks in that hotel.

- What d'you think is going on? - How do I know? Could be anything.

We've searched the entire hotel. There's nothing there!

It's a condom, Sam. I'm telling you it's a goddamn condom!

The place is full of them!

I refuse to talk about man-eating rubbers.

We have to talk about it, Sam! I saw it!

It's because of that condom that I'm missing my right nut!

And I was damn lucky too!

There's no such thing as killer condoms.

Really?

Then look at this.

What are you doing?

Look at it, Sam.

I've had a hard day, Macaroni.

Spare me the sight of your genitalia.

What do you think did this? A dust mite?

That boy...

It wasn't him!

It was the condom, Sam! The condom!

It's got 13 pricks on its conscience.

13 pricks and one ball.

What do you think I should be doing?

Sending officers out to frisk condoms?

I can see the headlines now:

"Police Hunt for Crazed Contraceptive. "

That's OK, Sam. You keep on doing what you always do: nothing!

I'll just have to deal with this psycho myself.

That's not bad:

"One on One: Cop vs. Condom. "

If someone had told me about biting rubbers 3 weeks ago,

I'd have said he was nuts. Now I have no problem with the idea.

We are constantly being confronted by new concepts:

"Internet", "cyberspace",

"BSE", "high-risk groups", "Take That".

Why not "killer condom"?

I order them from a wholesaler in Queens.

Why? Is there something wrong with them?

These rubbers aren't wrapped individually.

That's why they're so cheap!

Did all the incidents happen in the same room?

It began in 308.

But after the sixth guy lost his pecker

I stopped giving the key out.

And it moved to 309!

That boy I was with...

- The one who bit your ball off? - He didn't!

- But the cops said... - Bullshit!

Have you seen him again?

He hasn't come back.

Loogi! You're out of the hospital!

Looks like it.

I was so worried about you

- Please, Bob... - It's Babette!

What did that little bastard do to you? Is your dick OK?

It's gone.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

That's OK. There's more important things than sex.

Sam said it was one ball...

It bit the dick too. Now it's in some hospital trash can.

That's terrible...

I feel so sorry for you...

It must have been horrible...

You're lying. What's that in your pants?

The bandage.

Very funny! But you won't get rid of me that easily.

See you, Bob.

It's Babette. Babette!

For a moment I thought about going to see Billy.

I couldn't get him out of my head,

Even though I'm not sentimental.

I don't kid myself about love anymore.

I mean, what is love? It all boils down to sex anyway.

It's not about me,

but this enormous thing between my legs.

Still,

I sometimes long for something else.

A little warmth.

Someone who's there when you come home.

Am I disturbing you? -What?

No, I...

I'm a little...

- I can go if you like. - No, it's OK. Come in.

So why are you here?

If we... I mean...

If it hadn't been for that condom...

and we'd... well, you know... - What then?

- I wouldn't have charged you. - Oh yeah?

I don't charge if I enjoy it.

It's your job. You live off that shit. I'd have given you a few dollars for it.

If you want...

I'd like to see you again sometime.

Well...

My nut needs R&R at the moment.

I don't mean sex. We could... - Do what?

Go dancing? Hold hands?

Exchange perfumed love letters? - Well...

Listen, kid:

I'm too old for this sort of thing.

I've given up on great love stories.

- But I only wanted to... - Precisely!

You're hot stuff, Billy.

But I'm tired of burning my fingers.

We can have another go when I'm better.

But that's all, OK?

OK...

I'm out of here.

You're pretty cool, aren't you?

I've been through too much shit.

I'm sorry.

Now go.

How d'you like that, you filthy queen? - Not bad. I've had better.

I don't want to watch two psychos getting it off.

What's the point? - Shut up, I�m trying to concentrate.

I want to hit you. How much is that? - A dollar per slap with the hand,

2 dollars with a belt or whip, and it's cheaper by the dozen.

Damn!

That's Bob! - That's Babette.

Babette?

Do you see that? It's Bob!

What's he doing?

That's disgusting! I don't believe it!

This guy used to be a cop, and now...

That's gross! - The rubber moved.

- Is that all you can say? That's Bob in there!

Pull yourself together, Sam! Yes, it's Bob alright. But so what?

I bet that condom on the bedside table is about to show us it's teeth!

How do you like that, slut?

Let me down. I can't put the rubber on from up here.

I'm a pig! A filthy piece of shit!

OK, forget it.

You chase rubbers.

I'm going to solve this my way: In the office.

Hey! I just got a new delivery of rubbers.

You want to check them? - Shut up!

Bye.

I'm a lowdown little faggot!

Say I'm a lowdown little faggot!

- I'm a lowdown little faggot. - Not you, me! I'm the lowdown little faggot!

Say it!

You're a lowdown...

Now get on with it!

I'm a pig! I'm a pile of shit!

I'm a filthy pig!

Take it off!

- What? - Take the rubber off your knob! Quickly!

- Don't shoot. - Shut up!

Good, now drop it. C'mon!

Shit. Must've been a normal condom.

Sorry to disturb you.

Do carry on.

And don't use that one. There's a hole in it.

Are you nuts? Are you completely out of your mind?

I'm doing my job! - I'm a filthy pig...

- A dirty pig. - Shut up!

Where is it?

Out of the way!

That's a cock!

Congratulations!

Great job! I'm dead impressed with your work!

Maybe they got the story from Robinson or some whore.

I know who tipped the press off: A former policeman called Bob Miller.

who works in that brothel

as a bar slut and curbside hooker! - I've seen it, sir.

It's some kinda goddamn animal. We should take the hotel apart.

I didn't hear that!

I think we've made big enough fools of ourselves as it is

Dick McGouvern's visiting us tomorrow.

I don't want him to see a police force,

that nobody takes seriously anymore

because it's looking for a killer condom!

Then give me permission to investigate on my own, sir.

No, Macaroni.

Forget it! You're to keep your hands off it!

- I can't. - What?

I come from an ancient Sicilian family.

Nobody bites off a Macaroni's jewels and gets away with it.

Nothing and nobody.

I'm warning you, Macaroni:

If you chase rubbers in that hotel one more time

I'm taking your badge away.

Is that clear?

If this costs me my promotion,

you won't need a killer condom to get castrated!

What�s that?

I'm talking to you.

What does this mean?

I've issued an arrest warrant.

He chewed your plums.

Who knows what he'll do to his next client.

Are you all deaf or something?

Billy's clean!

And you can let the hookers go too.

That damn condom is out there somewhere,

and if someone doesn't do something we'll have more pricks on our hands!

OK, OK...

I'll...

Fine...

I'll...

Maybe they were right.

Maybe I do need a vacation.

So what if this thing strikes again. It's not my problem.

And Billy? What do I want with a call-boy?

A guy who bares his ass to anyone for a few bucks?

- What's going on here? - Hello, detective.

Well?

- We're looking for the boy. - But he isn't here.

Seems to have left in a hurry.

Did Sam Hanks order this search?

Yeah.

Sir, he said we should find that hustler... The one that bit off...

your ball.

It's been sorted out, now clear off.

- But we're not finished. - Clear off! I'm dealing with it.

Hi, Billy. It's Jack. You know, from the newspaper ad.

I just wanted to say you were great. Give us a call.

But not on the weekend because of my wife. Bye!

Hi, This is Robert. Can I see you again? I really fancy your sweet ass.

Hi, Billy, it's Carl. How are you doing?

Like to go for a coffee some time?

I've thought about my sexual fantasies. Can we meet?

I've bought myself an army uniform. Give me a call. Bye!

I felt like an idiot. What the hell did I want with the boy?

Instead of dreaming about romantic love I should be out there solving the case.

Sure, New York can get damn cold sometimes.

But I'm Sicilian. I don't need this emotional crap.

If I think about it, I don't even need sex.

I watch a porno video, have a relaxed jerk-off and take a shower.

What more do I need?

That's all I need.

Come out, Macaroni!

Are you nuts? What do you want?

I want you to get out of the bath and sleep with me.

Are you out of your mind?

Throw the goddamn knife away!

No!

You want to kill me or something?

- Throw the knife away! - Shut up!

OK, OK. Listen Bob...

Babette!

Listen, I don't know what your therapist said...

Bullshit! I know what I want.

I want you, and you want me.

Do you really believe... ?

What was that? - Don't try it.

You've brought the goddamn condom!

Of course I've brought condoms.

- Where did you get them? - The hotel. They've got plenty.

Babette, you've brought the killer condom!

Now stay cool.

Forget our affair. Let's deal with this first.

I don't believe you.

Stay cool, Babette.

Are you crazy? That's real crocodile leather!

Damn!

- What was it? - The killer condom.

My God, it was after your prick! And it was in my handbag!

Shut up and help me.

It was all so terrible... Forgive me...

I only wanted...

Come here, you bastard.

Are you there, Bob?

The name's Babette.

OK, Bob... Babette. You've got to help me.

- Give me that hose behind you. - What hose?

The hose behind the stove. Connect it to the gas and give it to me.

What are you waiting for?

- I'm sorry. - Forget it.

Just help me.

You know... I thought about you all night and...

That's touching,

but if you don't hurry, we'll never get this thing. Understand?!

Don't shout at me!

- You got it? - Yes, I've got it.

OK, get in position.

Ready?

Ready.

Come on.

Time for din-din.

I'd get castration anxiety if I were you.

I'd penis envy if I were you.

Come and get it.

Nice penis...

Yum, yum!

Turn it on!

Turn it on!

OK! It's coming.

Right, that's enough.

How d'you like that, you bastard?

I said that's enough, Bob.

It won't go off!

Turn the damn gas off, Bob!

- Turn the gas off! - You'll have to fix the faucet first.

- Look at it, Bob ! - I can't help it...

So what is it, Wilma?

It's made of human epithelial cells

underlaid with peritropic membranes.

Although it looks like normal rubber,

it's actually a complex organism

with a subcutaneous layer of chitin.

It has everything it needs:

Microscopic nerves...

a mass of brain tissue spread evenly throughout the body...

That's disgusting.

It's teeth...

are sharp as razor blades, but apparently flexible.

So what does it mean? Is it some kind of animal, or what?

Hard to say. it isn't really an animal because it doesn't eat the dicks.

No guts.

It gets the energy for forward motion from its own body cells.

It's artificial.

Artificial? You mean someone made that thing?

Probably.

I'd say it was a cross between a giant worm, a jellyfish and a piranha.

Geneticists make a new discovery every few weeks.

Only recently an ancient professor

won the Columbus Prize for his work.

All I can say is: Consult an expert.

I prefer conventional cases like the guy behind you.

His 400-pound girlfriend suffocated him when she sat on his face.

Was it sex or murder? She's playing innocent.

But luckily he got some pubic hairs in his mouth.

Thanks for your help, Wilma.

Look at this! It's full of pubes!

We should show it to the professor.

Luigi, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

That's OK. I wouldn't have either.

- But I don't like how you treated Billy. - The boy's a hustler!

He steals and he does drugs.

- A little grass... - Was he really so good that you want to marry him?

You can do a darn sight better than sticking money up his ass.

You're a real man!

Women adore you! You should give it a try.

Quit bugging me, Sam! I'm not interested in women.

I like firm male asses, not pissflaps.

And let's get this clear: I want to be tolerated!

To be accepted and understood! Got it?

OK, OK...

Serious? You'll never say that shit again?

I'll never mention it again. Promise.

OK.

I've lived in this town for 20 years. I still don't know if it's right for me.

Sure, I had to leave Sicily back then.

If I'd stayed, I'd be the Macaroni family butcher now

spending all my days turning donkeys into salami.

My only leisure activity would be shooting birds with a shotgun.

Mama!

She really wants a Sicilian wedding. Of course the bride must be a virgin.

OK, so I've got myself a career in New York.

I've worked my way up to detective.

Even so, Mama wouldn't be very happy if she knew how I live my life.

And me? Am I happy?

America

must regain its values,

it's belief in God

and it's morals.

I want to take office

to heal our society again.

I want people to realize

what a wonderful country God has given us.

In order to thank him for this

we must make this country strong again.

Each of us who has healthy hands

is called upon to do his share.

We've had enough!

Enough of scandals, drugs and perversity!

We stand for the politics of order

and of peace.

United!

For a clean America!

- What is this? - Buy your own!

I don't see why everyone here should help themselves to my make-up.

Look what you've done! I'm on in a moment.

Hi, Babette.

I was just passing...

So I thought I'd stop by...

See how you were doing after that nightmare.

We've both seen a lot as policemen... I mean we've been through things...

But that was something else!

And I... I just wanted to thank you. You were real cool.

- Is that for me? - Yes...

Tamara, darling: Would you open it? My nails aren't dry yet.

You know what used to be here?

- What? - A church.

- And what does that mean? - Don't ask me. You're the cop!

It's a travel iron.

You have so many clothes now. I thought that if you ever went on tour...

Thanks.

I hadn't expected such a romantic present.

- I can exchange it... - No.

It's really lovely.

Honestly.

Now my stuff won't get wrinkled. Thanks a lot.

I'll be off, then.

Well I'm busy too. I'm on in a bit.

- See you, Bob. - Babette!

Of course: Babette.

Hey Luigi! Did you see?

That boy that bit your ball off...

- What room is he in? - 302. Should I call him?

Hi, Billy! Are you guys still following me?

I'm not following you. I just want to talk.

I'm busy.

- Wait downstairs for me. - Not now!

OK. I'll be down at the bar.

Hey, what are you playing at?

Damn place is full of crazies!

Now it's going up again! - Up, down... - I wish they'd make up their minds.

- Yes, here in the elevator! - How do I know?

It isn't coming down anymore! I'm damned if I'm walking!

What's going on?

- Hey, Robinson! Your brothel's falling apart, man! - Shut up!

Well done.

Yeah. Well done!

It gets worse every night. I hardly know where to put them all,

but you can see that yourself.

- Detective Macaroni? - Bulowski. Frank Bulowski.

I was tired. I couldn't work it out. Couldn't put the pieces together.

Every morning when I wake up, it all seems like a bad nightmare.

But then I reach for my groin and face the absurd facts once more.

I now realize just how lucky I am that the condom only got my nut.

I mean, what can a man do in New York

if he's lonely and hasn't got a dick?

When my baby's President,

will he still have time for me?

When your baby's President, he'll take you on every state visit.

What's that?

Isn't it cute?

Maybe it's one of those things

we read about in the newspaper.

Read all about it!

Killer condom strikes again!

This time it's McGouvern!

Morning, Luigi.

You look terrible.

I've got a foul taste in my mouth.

Here, smell this.

- Anything new? - I'm working on it. Give me 10 minutes.

OK.

- Hi, Sally. - Luigi!

- What brings you here? - The captain asked me

to come over and have a chat with our mutual friend.

Isn't that right, Porky? You love talking to me.

I'm not saying anything.

I don't rat on my friends.

OK! OK! It was Jack Collin's idea, but he wanted to work with Rich Bitch.

So Bruce Winnegan shot Frank Collins.

Killer Angel's also in on the deal.

Only he's working for Larry King.

They're packing the stuff in bags...

Went quicker than I thought.

I hear you're chasing contraceptives.

Would you do me a favor before you go?

- You know I don't touch condoms. - I know.

There used to be a church where the Hotel Quickie now stands.

- Really?

- I need to know how long it was there, who had it bulldozed and why.

- And get me a photo of the church. - Sure, his balls were pretty fat,

but his weenie wasn't all that big.

In fact, it was pretty small.

He once confessed that was the reason he was running for President!

Isn't that funny?

Good idea. Ciao!

What is this?

You mean you don't know?

What don't I know?

Fear of castration is growing among the people of New York.

In the past few days a number of cases have been reported to the police.

All the male victims speak of contraceptives

that turn out to be unknown and dangerous creatures.

Eye witnesses say they initially look like condoms.

They can be rolled on like a condom.

It's now come to light that the police were not surprised

by the recent attack in the hotel room of Republican candidate McGouvern.

McGouvern lost almost all his genitalia

under unknown circumstances.

You knew about it? You knew about this killer condom?

Well, not exactly...

We've had a few cases like this...

But they involved queers and hookers...

I never thought...

I mean...

- It won't affect his campaign, will it? - Campaign? What campaign?

Do you think

that the people will elect a man without reproductive organs

as the President of the United States?

What have you found out about these little monsters

that apparently look like condoms?

Well...

They're made of a sort of rubber...

But of course it isn't really rubber...

And they...

They've got a very thin skin... And they're...

Lubricated?

And banana-flavored!

What's the police doing at the moment to tackle these killer condoms?

Professor Boris Smirnoff

was born in 1923 in Vaclavitiv, Russia.

He immigrated to the US in 1943 and studied natural sciences here.

In 1956,

he was awarded an honorary doctorate for his work in biochemistry.

3 years later he became the head

of a rubber and plastics lab.

In '62 he won the Science Academy Award for developing

a special rubber solution

used mainly to produce false limbs but also for contraceptive sheaths.

For several years, he's been concentrating on genetics.

His family doesn't know where he is.

Publishers wait in vain for his papers. He's failed to turn up at lectures.

He's sent postcards from the Bahamas.

But they just say that the weather's nice and he's feeling good.

His daughter says he always hated nice weather

and only felt good when he was working.

Look at that.

- So? - Look at the guy behind him.

- Who is he? - Exactly.

Nobody knows, but he's always behind Smirnoff.

- Bodyguard? - Negative.

Smirnoff's daughter thought he was the cook.

The party guests thought he was a colleague.

But nobody knows this man.

What is this?

- There's this professor who may have been kidnapped... - Really?

And you play Cluedo?

A presidential candidate got his dong bitten off

and you're watching videos!

- Sir...

- We had a total of 18 cases last night.

Some in brothels, but most on the gay scene.

that means the knob-eaters are multiplying.

Before they get someone on the Upper East Side

I want you to get to grips with it! - That's what we're doing.

Starting tonight I want a plant on the gay scene

checking out what's going on. That's your job, Macaroni.

- That's not a good idea. - Really?

And why not? You know your way around.

That's the problem: I'm well known. Everyone knows I'm a cop.

Then you do it, Sam. - What?

You get dressed up like a homosexual and check the scene out.

Or are you well known too?

- No, sir... - Good!

I don't want to see any more hookers or drug addicts.

I want reliable witnesses. Is that clear?

Macaroni, get him dressed up.

- The boys will love you. - I don't want anyone loving me.

This is ridiculous!

You want me to walk around dressed like this and ask:

"Excuse me, have you seen a rubber that bares it's teeth from time to time?"

Be careful who you have sex with

and always check the condom first.

- What? - It happens faster than you think.

Won't they ask me if I want to?

If one of them wants you, you haven't got a chance.

Haven't got a chance? What do you mean?

Gay men are still real men. They know what they want, Sam.

Here, take this hanky.

Leave it hanging out of your right back pocket.

What? Why should I?

It's code.

It means, "I don't want sex tonight, so leave me alone."

And that works?

It's the only thing that works, Sam.

Holger, darling!

I'm a pig...

Sometimes this city is like a cancer

that grows and grows, ever nearer to its own destruction.

Maybe I'll always be a stranger here because I spent my childhood in Sicily

right by the sea

with my loving Mama singing sad songs by the fire...

Where are you, you Sicilian faggot!

Yellow hanky in the right pocket, eh?

That perverse gorilla pissed up my leg because he thought that's what I like!

I'm married! I have a kid!

I'm not used to that shit!

Stop laughing, damn you! It isn't funny!

Calm down, Sam!

I'm sorry.

It was a joke. How was I to know it would really happen?

Thank God I didn't give you a red hanky.

- A red hanky? What does that mean?

- Fist fucking.

Let's get a coffee. - I don't want any!

You can solve this case by yourself.

This scene is too...

Damn, I want out!

You can't leave me now!

And whatever you think of those boys, they only want to have fun.

Now they're being attacked by rubbers

and we have to stop it!

I need you, damn it!

OK, but no more yellow hankies.

- No more yellow hankies, OK.

And no red ones either. No hankies at all!

OK, no hankies at all.

What are you all staring at?

Never heard of male bonding?

Nobody pisses up my leg. Nobody!

I know.

What's wrong with her? - Can anyone translate this?

Something about a condom.

Where? Where? Where?

Where condom, Senora?

Listen to me! Where condom?

Hospital?

Condom in hospital?

Show me where it is, Senora. Come on, get up!

I'm going over there. - But why?

- I've got a strange feeling.

Can't anyone here translate what this woman is saying!?

What's she saying?

Detective Macaroni.

Even dedicated policemen have to sleep now and again.

It isn't good for their health if they don't.

Is Cop here?

- Who? - You know who I mean.

Detective Macaroni just left. And he won't be back for some time.

Where did he go?

Listen, boy. Your cop's already got his hands full

without you waving your ass in front of his nose.

What is it? What about this man?

What about the man?

Doesn't anyone here understand her?

She says she saw the Asian man in the hospital chapel.

He had one of the condoms with him.

Right, come with me.

O'Brian! We're going to the hospital.

Come on!

And you're coming to translate.

Ellie, make us two coffees, please. Take a seat.

Sorry to disturb you at this hour,

but that woman

whose nose was bitten off by a condom...

Yes?

She turned up at my precinct office this evening.

She was very upset, so I thought I'd come by.

What did she say?

I'm not really sure. I think she saw a condom.

Here?

In the chapel, if I'm not mistaken.

Detective, every night this woman dreams about condoms jumping in her face.

She desperately needs her medication and tranquilizers.

Where is she?

Does an Asian man, a Chinese man, work here?

Not that I know of. Why?

Nothing special.

I just thought I saw a Chinese person.

There are over a billion Chinese living on this planet, Detective.

You may well have seen one of them.

She says we should go to the chapel.

How can you understand her?

Are you married?

Me? No.

Maybe you should consider getting yourself a wife.

It is very important for a man like you to have someone who cares for him

when he comes home at night.

I prefer to live alone.

But the good Lord created two types of being

that they may find one another and share their lives.

That may well be.

I have to go.

You're very lonely, aren't you?

Good night, Dr Riffleson.

I'll accompany you out. I have to go that way anyhow.

I'll send the woman back to you.

But don't let her escape again. - Don't worry, it won't happen again.

What was that? - What?

- I heard a shot. - A shot? I didn't hear anything.

- What's that screaming? - Probably the woman on the first floor.

Whenever the pain is too much...

Professor Smirnoff?

You've arrived at last!

Have you brought me my red jelly?

Red what? - Red jelly.

Don't pretend you don't understand.

You're a policeman, aren't you?

Promise me you won't harm her.

I need my red jelly. I can't live without my red jelly.

Who shouldn't I harm?

Want to know what I do here?

I'm all ears.

I'm Professor Smirnoff!

I know.

Tell me, who's keeping you here?

I created all of this!

Look:

This trusting little creature.

Bon voyage, Boris!

Want to know how

- I created it all? - Yes, Professor.

I simply crossed larvae of the species Psammechinus Miliaris, Cetalia Simplex

and an extremely halophilic Ikosaeder virus.

When their pronuclei fuse,

the strongly acidic phospho-ribosilic

formimino-amido-imidazol carboxamide

phospho-ribosilic isomerase...

...and centripedal laticin filaments, thus producing artificial beings

capable of independent, deliberate movement

and, just like human beings,

enjoy taking in food such as red jelly.

By biting off the genitals of innocent men. Why, Professor?

They give me red jelly for it.

Who does? Who gives you red jelly, Professor?

I give the professor red jelly!

Any other questions, Detective?

- Dr Riffleson! - Precisely. Now give me your gun.

If you don't give me your gun he'll blow your sick little brain out!

Search him!

The game's over!

The police have come to rescue me!

- Shut up and get on with your work! - No, I won't carry on!

They'll rescue me

and then I, Professor Smirnoff...

back to work, or there'll be no red jelly!

Over there. And no funny business.

Go! Go! Go!

I'm very pleased you've come to visit us, Detective.

- May I ask what this is all about? - I'm preparing for His arrival!

- Whose arrival? - The arrival and return of the Lord!

- I don't understand. - How could you?

The Lord doesn't speak to the fallen.

He will arrive on December 31st 1999

together with His earthly counterpart

on the 11:30 flight from Rome to New York.

He's coming to pass judgement on

the greatest, most sinful Babel in the world!

This city is Sodom and Gomorrah!

I have the sacred duty and divine honor of preparing the way for Him

by judging and punishing the most reprehensible of all sinners

in advance of His coming!

- Well... - Don't deny it, Detective!

I know everything about your unnatural activities!

The Bible says:

"Man shall not lie with another man. "

But you know that, don't you? It also says: "Be fruitful and multiply."

Not: "Give in to lust. "

There's nothing in the Holy Scriptures about condoms or contraception.

Nothing about useless ejaculations

or those disgusting orgies you engage in with your perverse friends.

Go on, Detective. Go on, have a look.

A nice little group, don't you think?

Brothel owners, pimps, men who wear women's clothes,

policemen who let evil men go free,

and tourists who stick their noses into other people's business...

I shall conquer evil!

I will not rest

until every last sinner out there has been judged!

So that was it.

A neurotic, man-hating religious fanatic had transformed a brilliant scientist

into an instrument of her deranged plan.

Smirnoff's new method

for binding silicon latex with centripedal lacitin filaments

is a sign from God

that we must put an end to all these perverse sinners!

Come here, Detective.

Come! Come! Come!

You're so fond of boasting that you need extra-large condoms.

Detective Macaroni:

this model's especially for you.

- It's nice of you to think of me. - I've waited for this moment for weeks!

Now pull out your sinful Babel penis!

You're insane!

Move it.

Get it out.

- Come on Detective: It's feeding time. - Listen, Dr Riffleson.

I'm sure the creator wouldn't approve.

After all, He gave me this lovely big penis...

To be fruitful! To marry a woman and bring children into the world!

But what do you do? You stick it in young men's behinds!

No, Detective. That's not what the Lord intended

when he gave you this penis.

Now pull it out!

I'm free!

Professor Smirnoff is free!

- Red jelly! - What do you want, Professor?

Everyone dies unless I get red jelly!

- Not now, Professor! - I can't go on without red jelly!

You stupid old man!

- I guess you saved my pecker. - I love you, Cop.

Here...

Use this to bandage your hand.

Excuse me, you love-birds!

- Get me down! - Please, Macaroni!

Get us down from here!

Watch out, Luigi!

Macaroni, do you have a moment to spare?

The game's over, Riffleson.

How wrong you are! God is on my side! Come! Come! Come!

What do you hope to achieve? Let the boy go.

The Lord's will must be obeyed!

And the Lord wants you to jump into the condoms!

Anybody there?

Jump!

No.

I won't jump.

Look around you.

This is your work.

Do you really think that God will forgive you?

You've created a hell full of creatures that could never be the work of God.

You talk about sin and depravity,

and you may be right...

But look at the boy you're pointing a gun at.

He's young and deserves the right to live.

There aren't any condoms in heaven, Dr Riffleson.

Nor any that bite.

You speak of a God who will judge all of mankind.

I say God will protect all lovers.

He doesn't care of its two men or a man and a woman.

He doesn't care if a man dresses like a woman and sings in a bar.

It's quite possible

that these people haven't always done the right thing,

but we're all human beings.

We're all responsible for the way we live our lives.

If God does ever pass judgment over us,

He won't need anyone to do it for Him.

Each and every one of us here, whether homosexual or heterosexual,

whether transvestite or atheist professor,

brothel owner or policeman, Serb, Croat or Chinese...

I don't know where the words came from.

I was giving a sermon and realising my words were having an effect...

May he who is free of sin cast the first stone!

Only the strange light bothered me.

That and the angels singing around me.

It's all so...

dirty!

You're all... so... dirty!

It's all over, Doctor.

You're all alone.

you know, Loogi...

I'm fed up playing your mother. The job's much too tiring.

- You kept your cool, Babette. - I was a cop once. I know the score.

What will you do now? - Dunno.

My bra is killing me, my wig itches and my balls are still tight as a fist.

You were great!

- Just like old times! - Except you weren't so pretty then.

I think you've earned yourself a break, Macaroni.

I don't want to see you at work for at least 4 weeks.

I won't be back at all, sir.

I've had enough of this job. - but you're the best man I've got.

You just have to know when to stop.

Has anyone told you how sexy you look hanging over a condom-filled pool?

- Don't give me that, Bob. - Sorry, I forgot you're homophobic.

- Homo what? - Homophobic!

After Luigi's sermon on the Mount, nobody can have anything against gays.

We should all be happy to have something between our legs, whatever we do.

Take a few days off and we'll talk about it then.

Look out, sir!

You're a cop through and through!

You'll be back.

Who knows, sir?

Either way, I'm outta here. I could use a relaxing bath.

Great idea!

I have an enormous bathtub at home and pine-scented bath oil.

What now?

I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

OK, but not Italian.

But I know a great place to eat, with the world's best pasta and sauces.

Really? - Yes, it isn't far from here. Just straight across the ocean.

Sicily is closer than you think. - Are you serious?

Sure I am.

We have enough time.

Ever been to Europe before?

- No.

There you go. I'll show you my home.

I'll show you Etna

and my mother.

Will she like that?

No.

But we needn't tell her you're not a virgin anymore!

You really wanna resign from the force?

I'm not sure.

It would have one disadvantage, though. - What's that?

You'd never call me Cop again, and I like it when you do.

I promise I'll always call you Cop.

Really?

Say it again.

Cop.

Again.

Cop.

Again!

Cop.

Again.

Kiss me, Cop!