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Dear friends...

Think it. Think it. It's all here.

The triumph of mind over matter.

What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

It's THINKING that counts.

Your way to health and to happiness.

Now my friends...

I want you to look... at this woman.

You won't believe it, but for many years this poor creature...

has suffered from loss of hearing.

Or in technical terms, mutt and jeffness.

Medicine could do nothing for her. The doctors gave her up.

That's right, dear, isn't it?

Chloe...!

They - gave - you - up. ..Yes.

Not surprising.

For years I had suffered from loss of hearing.

The doctors could do nothing for me. That's right, dear, yes.

Then I had the good fortune to meet Mr Bigger.

He taught me the power of thought.

He showed me that the mind was stronger than the body. That is enough!

And now, while my assistant passes amongst you with the collection box...

for purely travelling expenses, of course... No cheques, please...

I will deliver my final message.

You will be amazed!

Look at me. I don't need doctors... or medicine. And nor will you...

if you just think...nothing! Nothing can happen to me. And believe me...

Nothing will.

(GROANS)

Hurts, does it, sir? Oh, no! I'm just doing this to while away the journey.

Oh, no, no!

Oh! Ah! Oh!

Blimey, he's in a hurry!

Come on, nurse. Just a quick one, while Sister's out of the ward. Dr Tinkle says it's bad for you.

But I've been smoking for years. Give us a kiss then. That's even worse for you!

You can take your medicine. I bet you can too.

Again? I've never known a bloke go that often! You're just jealous.

Fosdick Ward, Nurse Clarke... Bed 3.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Aren't I going to see a doctor? We must get our clothes off and get into bed first, mustn't we?

We? Madam, I have an affliction!

That will do, nurse!

Sister's coming!

Evening, Sister.

All right. On to the bed, please, Mr Bigger. I can't! Every movement is agony.

Come along.

Be a big, brave boy. I've got a painsy wainsy in my botty-wotty.

Come along. What...mind...wh...och... Leave it alone. I'll do it myself.

Ooh...eh...

More comfortable? No. Oi, there's something moving about under my... It's trying to...ohh...

He's on my hand, Sister. Thank goodness for that. Get his things off, nurse.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I don't want my things off. Get Matron... What are you doing?

I'm not being exposed by you! So now then.

Mr Biddle. Oh, evening, Matron.

WHAT are you doing out here?

I've just been to the whatnot. I can go myself now. Yes...

But three times in an hour! I didn't know you was keepin' the score.

I think we'd better look at Mr Biddle's bladder. Oh...it was the other.

I couldn't go.

Then we must make it easier for you. Double the dose, Sister.

Oh, no!

Back to your ward. Hurry along.

Ooh, you might've cut your nails.

Well, will you take them off then? No, I will not. Don't.

Don't be a silly boy! I'm not! What's going on here, Nurse?

He won't let me take his underpants off, the silly boy. I'm not a boy, as you'll find out.

Come now, we don't want to lie with our nasty old pants on, do we?

Madam, what you do in your bed is your own affair.

Mr Bigger, all patients MUST wear pyjamas.

Look, I'm not letting a chit of a girl...

ME...a fully mature male animal.

Mr Bigger... All right, Sister.

I'll handle this.

I'm not a chit of a girl, Mr Bigger.

Well, YOU said it.

Very well then. Aaaeeow!

Eeeugh...

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Well...they were a present.

I can understand your reluctance to part with them.

All right, nurse, put his bedgown on.

I understand you have an acute pain in the region of the posterior.

Ooh, yes.

Could you be a little more specific, Mr Bigger? Where, exactly?

It's in the same place as everybody else's posterior. I was referring to the pain.

All right. It's down here... Oh, gawd!

That's far enough. I'll take it from there, cheeky.

Has the Houseman seen him yet? No, Matron. Why not?

Who's the Houseman on duty? Erm... It's Dr Kilmore, Matron.

That explains it.

Would you like me to go and fetch him, Matron?

You may as well. Dr Tinkle will see him tomorrow. No experiments now...

I'm not a guinea pig. No, Mr Bigger. More like...a hamster.

Oh...hmmm...

Have you been smoking, Mr Roper?

'And so a great hospital swings into action.

'Doctors, nurses and orderlies working round the clock.

'Dedicated, and apparently without any emotions.

'But appearances can be deceptive.

'There is high drama beneath the placid surface.

'A thousand passions and loves surge and tremble beneath the starched bosoms.'

(THINKS) Please, please, don't let me blush.

I can't think of anything more perfect than this night... and you and me. You look stunning.

Breathlessly beautiful.

I've never seen such a lovely...

Not bad.

Not bad at all. Now what do I say?

Ah...yes. I don't know what it is...

but somehow you're different to all the other girls.

May I?

May I take your coat?

Ah... What a beautiful neck.

Quite irresistible.

Forgive me. I just had to do that.

Doctor? Please, darling... Just call me Jim. Dr Kilmore? Oh...Nurse Clarke.

A casualty in Fosdick. Good.

Doctor will be here in a moment. I should hope so.

I could be lying here with my life ebbing away. You never can tell.

One moment you're here, the next...phutt!

I think he's phutted already.

What you in here for?

Just a pain in the back. Ohh...cor...dear!

The last bloke in that bed had the same thing. Did he? Right up to the end. That's cheery.

One thing...it's a nice warm bed.

Should be. They only took him out half an hour ago.

This must be where they keep the coal.

Ah-h-h.

Ohhhh... How do you do?

So you're still with us. Well... don't let me keep you conscious.

Is this your first? Pardon?

Is this your first? First? First what?

Baby. Eh!

It's the first time for me.

Never again, though. Never ag...

(Is he really going to have a baby?)

No, his wife is! When she told him, he collapsed, and he's been here ever since.

Don't let them tell you having one is easy.

I'm having a terrible time. Terr...

He should be in the Paternity Ward. It's a madhouse! You'll get used to it.

You're lucky. You've got Kilmore.

Yeah, but wait till old Tinkle comes round. Cor! Tinkle? The Registrar.

He's a B. Knows his job, though.

So does the hangman.

Ha-ha-ha (!)

Oh! I'm terribly sorry, Matron.

That's another thermometer gone, Doctor. You can use it on people who are a bit round the bend.

This hospital isn't big enough for both of us. Oh, you're not THAT big, Matron.

Oh! Er, you have a casualty for me? Nothing serious, or I wouldn't have sent for you.

She doesn't like me. She doesn't like anybody. I didn't bump into her on purpose.

What's your trouble? My appendix.

Appendix? What about your leg?

Oh, that happened when I fell off the operating table. Cheers!

Did you wish to go somewhere, Mr Biddle?

I did, but you frightened me out of it.

Doctor, Mr Biddle keeps wandering around the corridor. It's good for him to get about.

So long as he keeps well away from other wards, of course. I will, doc.

Right. Good evening, I'm Dr Kilmore.

And about time too. If this is the NHS, take me back to the leeches. I'm sorry, Mr...

Bigger, Doctor... Mr Francis Bigger. Francis Bigger?

You must be the chap who goes around saying doctors are unnecessary!

Well, I didn't exactly say that!

You see, I deal with the mind.

Yes.

If one thinks that nothing will happen to one... What went wrong?

I must have stopped thinking for the moment.

Let's have a look at you. Turn over, please. I can't! Help him, Sister.

Ohh, hang on a sec. My thing's caught. Pardon ?! My stethoscope is stuck. Oooh!

Hurts, does it? Just a whimsy.

Mmm...yes, there's quite a bit of bruising there.

You landed on your coccyx. I fell on my back! It is at the base of your spine.

Really? I don't think it's fractured.

We'll X-ray it tomorrow. X-ray?

Why? It's just a precaution, Mr Bigger.

I bet you say that to all the girls. Will you be able to sleep? Of course.

I'll give you a jab to kill the pain. If you'll just turn over... Not again!

Thank you, Nurse.

Sorry, Sister. Now, this isn't going to hurt.

Aaagggh!

Ohhhh...

What...? Who? Good morning.

Oh, good morning. I'm afraid I've overslept.

What time is it? Six o'clock.

Six o'clock...in the morning?

Yes. Did you have a good night?

I'll let you know when it's over. Under the tongue. Mouth closed.

Nurse, have you any news?

No, your baby hasn't arrived yet.

Oh, no! It should have done. I've been having the vapours.

Don't tell me: wet and windy.

You're quite normal, Mr Bigger.

Well, I shan't be much longer. Is it all right if I finish my sleep?

By all means.

Sleep's good for you.

Tea up!

Tea.

Eurghh! That's not what I would call it.

Washie time! Look, I don't want washie time.

I wouldn't put that in my mouth. It might explode.

I hope not. Matron doesn't approve of banging.

Right, Mr Roper.

Don't tell me it's gone up again. Oh, I'm afraid so.

I don't understand it. I just don't.

There. That's better. Yes. I've been looking forward to that all night.

Good morning.

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS)

Cow!

I dreamt about you last night. Did you?

No, you wouldn't let me.

Morning. Ooooh!

Try and use it, Mr Bigger. Thank you. It's just what I needed.

No! Stop messing about! I beg your pardon?

We must do this again sometime.

I must congratulate you, Hardcastle.

You did a beautiful job.

The chap might even live, providing you took the right one out!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Dr Tinkle.

Thank you for doing the sewing up for me.

Quite a neat job, that. Yes, it was. I used a running chain stitch.

Really? Hm. Much more decorative.

Is that so?

I just don't seem to be able to handle a needle myself. I don't know why.

Allow me. Oh, that's very kind of you.

Thank you very much. I'll get changed now, then.

Yes. Get the old butcher's apron off, eh?

Oh. Good morning, Dr Tinkle. Matron, how are you?

Very well, thank you. And you? Fine. But don't let's talk shop!

Anything interesting come in?

Only a man with an injured back.

Dr Kilmore had to treat him. Never mind, we may save the poor chap yet!

I'll see him later, after I've cleaned up.

I didn't know you were assisting Mr Hardcastle.

You know how it is. Surgeons are all right for a quick slash and a fast grope round,

but a doctor's needed for the cleaning up.

Oh, how right you are, Doctor.

(THINKS) What a wonderful man you are! Oh, I love you!

(THINKS) Oh, how I love you!

Well, I'll be off now. Have you the right time, Doctor? Yes, it's...where's my watch?

You must've taken it off. No, I had it on when I started to sew that fellow... Oh, no!

It was an alarm too. All right, Sister. Wheel him back.

Morning, all. Did you hear about the pregnant bed-bug? No.

She's having a baby in the spring. What happened to Mind Over Matter? It was too noisy for him in here.

Couldn't hear himself think, eh? Hello, Ken. I'd like a word, doc... Alone, if you don't mind.

Oh, pardon me. Have you done with the bottle? Yeah, get the money back on it.

What's the problem? Well... Do you have anything to do with the women in here? Never mind!

I mean in the women's wards. Oh, I see. No, no. Why?

Could you slip a little note to one of them?

Mr Biddle, you're asking me to break hospital rules. "No fraternisation..."

I don't want to get fraternal with her, doc. All right. Thanks, Doc.

End of the corridor... third bed on the left. Right. No, left. Right.

Why do I have to be moved, Matron?

I understand one of the male patients has been bothering you.

It doesn't bother me, Matron. It bothers me. This is a hospital.

Well, well, and how are we this morning? Excuth me...

That's better. Yes, it is.

Did you want to examine me, Doctor? Oh, no, no.

I just brought a note in for you. A note? Oh, I say.

Fancy someone sending me a note. Yes, fancy.

Ooh, yes! That's a very good one.

Wouldn't you agree, Matron?

I've seldom seen a better appendectomy scar.

There's one thing I don't get. Why have I got two other scars?

An appendix is smaller than a golf ball. You know how difficult they are to find sometimes!

The stitches can come out today.

How long's that cast been on? Eight days. Then it's high time you had it off.

I've been lying here thinking the same thing.

Well, Mr Smith, how is it today?

Still very sore, Doctor.

You should have had it done years ago. Ooh!

Hello. Hello.

Ooh! Oh, I thought you were a man.

Sorry to disappoint you. I'm Nurse Clarke. This is my room.

I've just arrived...Sandra May... and I've to share with you. Glad to have you.

Are you a trainee? Yes, I've to report to Fosdick Ward.

Will Dr Tinkle be there? Do you know him?

Know him!

Just look. "To darling Sandra, my first case." That's me. How nice.

He saved my life. He's terrific. He's a life-giving doll.

Temperature 106? Have you been reading Playboy again?

I'm a sick man. Rubbish. In ten weeks, I can find nothing wrong with you.

If you don't know your job... Ridiculous!

With a temperature of 106, you're dead. Well, bury me!

It's a very puzzling case, Doctor. It's an enigma, Matron. An enigma.

I am not having another one of those!

I am determined to kill it or cure it.

I want a blood pressure test, a barium test, brain scan,

chest and stomach X-rays,

saliva, blood and urine analyses.

What was all that?

And syringe his ears out.

Is nobody in that bed? That was Mr Bigger. He's in X-ray. Oh.

Thank you.

Right, Nurse. Undo his gown, please.

Right, smile, please!

Smile? What with?

Oh! Sorry. Force of habit. I was a top portrait photographer.

Did you? Well, you've reached the bottom now.

All right. Let's see those dimples.

Aaarrrggh! Urgh!

Oh, dear. There goes another tube.

What about that then? What?

Cor!

Aaagh!

Ohhhhh!

What are you doing down there?

Waiting for a number seven bus.

Not now!

Cor!

I'm Nurse May. I was told to report here, Sister.

Hi!

(EXPLOSION)

Oh, no, you don't! I saw that film.

I thought you'd like to smell it. Mm! Lovely!

That's different. You have to be careful. They stuff you full of everything.

A lady just brought them for you. Would you like to see her?

Oh, all right, I might as well. Come on, then. Up you sit. Ooh! Arrgh!

You can come in now, Miss Gibson. Huh!

Hello, dear. Nice of you to come.

Nice of you to come.

Sit down. Sit down!

I thought I'd just pop in to cheer you up.

Yes, it was a nice thought, dear.

Nice thought! Yes.

Oh, Mr Bigger! Oh, blimey!

It's all right, dear. All right.

Oh, Mr Bigger!

Uh, that's all I need!

(WAILS)

This is Mr Bigger, Doctor.

How do you do? I'm Dr Tinkle, the senior physician.

I'm glad you've come. I am in agony, what with my back and her.

(SOBS)

Oh, shut up! I'll examine you and we'll soon find out what's wrong.

Would you wait outside?

I'm afraid she's a bit mutt, Doctor.

She'll have to go. I've been saying that for years. Chloe!

You'll have to wait outside. Outside, wait! This way.

I'll see if Mr Bigger's X-ray is ready.

Turn over. Much more of this and I'll have the best-known backside in town.

Slight bruising. No bleeding. Good.

Just like the service round here.

Aaargh! Did that hurt? Course it did! Good!

Here is the X-ray of the posterior area.

It's a bit fuzzy, I'm afraid.

So would yours be if a contrivance had exploded all over it.

No spinal damage. Slight curvature, perhaps. Mr Bigger, did you have any weaknesses as a boy?

Pardon? Did you have any weaknesses? Er... Do I have to answer that? Yes.

Well... I used to like pinching little girls' yo-yos.

With your back, I meant. Oh... Ah... Why?

A slight curvature, that's all. That's all!

It's too late to do anything about it. Too late?

It's past treatment. You might as well go home. Go home? With my poor back!

There's nothing we can do about it, Mr Bigger. Nothing?

Dr Tinkle is a brilliant physician. If he says nothing can be done, you can be sure he is right.

But there must be something! We can't waste time on idiots with simple bruises on backsides.

I quite agree, Doctor. Is Mr Bigger all right?

Are you his next-of-kin? Pardon?

Are you his NEXT-OF-KIN? Not yet. What do you mean?

We've had a sort of understanding for the past 11 years.

I'm kind of on the verge, you know.

I have a right to know what's wrong.

I'm most glad to know that everything's all right. Could he stay for a few weeks?

Sorry, Madam, we need the beds. Yes, but poor Mr Bigger has been working so hard...

He needs the rest. And he would be paying for it. All right.

But, Miss Gibson, I can only give him a week at the most.

Only a week! I'm very sorry, but that's the way it is.

A week!

A week at the most!

Oooooh...

The trouble nowadays, Matron, is we're breeding a race of weaklings.

No emotional stamina. Fortunately, there are one or two of us left who can still c...

That girl! What is she doing here? Which girl?

The nurse in the sluice room.

There's no-one in the sluice room, Doctor.

Are you all right, Doctor? Am I all right? Of course I'm all right.

All right? Yes. Why shouldn't I be all right?

Yes. I'm fine.

Doctor! Doctor!

Crikey! What have I done?

Here comes the poor bleedin' visitors.

I don't know who to feel more sorry for. Them or the poor muckers they're visiting.

Wotcher, Ken. Hello, Fred, mate.

How's it going? I got the old plaster off. Oh, good.

Well... Well...

So, you're all right then, eh? Good.

Well, here I am again, dear.

How are you feeling? Not too good, Mildred.

I can't seem to keep anything down. Oh, what a shame.

Never mind, dear, it won't be long now. Oh, Mildred...

I WILL be all right after the baby comes, won't I? Of course, my dear.

I've brought you a nice bottle of Eau de Cologne.

I'll rub some on your forehead. Thank you, dear. It might help.

Well... So you're going on all right then. Good...good.

Well, mustn't overstay my welcome.

Fred, will you do something for me? Sure.

There's a bird... Ho! You ARE feeling better, aren't you!

She was in the third bed on the left, but they've moved her.

What does she look like? She's got close-cropped hair, hazel eyes...

A fair complexion... Very fair. Leave it to me.

The expert in cherchay la femme.

Hello.

You're late. I got you some lovely grapes. Aah!

Blimey, not again! I don't like grapes. They're good for you.

How's it feel? It's sore as hell.

I shouldn't have had it done, not at MY age. But that lump!

It was getting bigger and bigger all the time...showing through your clothes!

I found her! Right down the end, on the right.

Will I give her a message? No, I'll talk to her myself.

Get them to move you into the next bed. Highly comical.

'Ere, did she have any visitors? No.

I got an idea. Pull them curtains across, Fred.

Well, how long ARE you gonna be here? I said I don't know!

They don't know what's wrong with me. I know. You're bone lazy.

You're supposed to cheer me up. What do YOU need cheering up about?

Being waited on hand and foot.

Look! I'm all run down. I've been working too hard.

You haven't done a stroke of work for three years.

Is it my fault the Labour couldn't find me a job? As a hansom cab lamp-fitter?

Well, I'm a craftsman. What about me and the kids? You never give a thought to us.

How you expect me to cope on the money you bring home from the dole, I'll never know.

I've hardly been able to go to the bingo at all this week.

Only three times, that's all.

Oh, Nurse, it is all right for me to visit Mr Bigger? Certainly.

Would you like me to put those in water for you?

Thank you. Mr Bigger's very fond of chrysanthemums. He's never without a pot by his bed.

Hello. Have you been discharged? No. But I had to get to talk to you somehow.

Just say I'm your husband. I haven't got a husband. Neither have I.

..A wife, I mean. Oh, I brought these for you. Oh, thank you.

They're lovely. Not bad.

They're the best I could knock off, anyway.

My name's Ken...Ken Biddle. Mine's Mavis...

Don't laugh... Mavis Winkle. I should've brought a pin.

Do you like it here? Well, it's very nice, really.

Yeah, it's not too bad, I suppose. Do you come here often?

Wait a minute! Dear Chloe...poor old soul.

Chloe... I haven't treated you very well over the years.

You mustn't say that, Mr Bigger. I told you at the start I would not accept a salary.

I could have offered you one. I'll come back tomorrow.

Chloe, I'm going to make it up to you somehow, if it's the last thing I do.

Oh, Mr Bigger.

Chloe, would you give me a kiss?

Why, Mr Bigger... You've never asked me to do that before.

Mr Biddle? No. I mean, yes. Sister says you've got to have this. What is it? Castor oil.

All of it, Mr Biddle.

There's a good boy.

Enjoying yourself?

Sounds like you had an accident.

What with her stayin' out half the night...comin' home smellin' of drink...

Not that you care. Oh, no. Just so long as you get your beer.

(BELL)

Well, time's up. I'd better go.

Will you be able to come again? I don't have anybody to visit me.

Just try and stop me. Look after yourself. And you. Bye.

Bye.

Mr Biddle!

All visitors out, please.

Come on, Fred...quick, out!

..overflowed again and come right through the ceiling.

I've begged you to fix that flush... (BELL)

But the house could fall down... Time's up.

Already? I haven't told you about... It'll keep.

You'll be back tomorrow? No, I'm going to the dogs. You can say that again.

I'd better be off then. Ahh.

We got through them grapes, didn't we? We did.

I'll bring you some more tomorrow.

Is it time, Sister? Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Too bad. Looks like you'll have to go, Fred. You're not kidding!

Good evening.

Oh, hi!

Oh, what a lovely-looking pear. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh!

I'm most terribly sorry. That's quite all right. It was my...my...fault.

No, I wasn't looking. Is something the matter?

I was looking for Dr Tinkle's room. Oh, that's the second floor up.

It's the second door on the left.

Oh, thanks.

You're so sweet. Yes, I am.

Wait a minute! You're not allowed up there.

Female staff must not enter male staff rooms.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) What is it?

Oh!

Kenneth, darling, are you all right? Yes. YOU! Then it WAS you in the sluice room!

I was hoping it was hallucinations. Lucy who?

You must get out of here at once. But I only just got here.

It's not safe. Somebody might come in. You always think of everything.

No, no. You can't stay here!

But I came to repay my debt. What debt?

'You saved my life.'

You only had tonsillitis. You can't kid me.

You visited me every night for months! That was professional courtesy.

You kept giving me the kiss of life.

But, even so... You don't OWE me anything!

You get it for nothing!

Well, what about my "cute little tibia" and my "beautiful enlarged glands"?

Dr Kilmore... Dr Kilmore...

Dr Kilmore, why are you listening at Dr Tinkle's door? What was that?

Why are you listening at Dr Tinkle's door? I...er... heard a deathwatch beetle.

We'd better inform him, then. No, no.

Will you kindly open that door and leave my room! No. Not till you say you love me. Very well.

Stand aside, please. No.

Very well.

Ohh!

Dr Tinkle! I'd never have believed it! Matron, let me explain.

She's crazy! That's not true! I love him. You do? Yes. She must be crazy.

I'll deal with you in the morning.

I don't care what you do. Without him, I don't want to go on living.

See? She's absolutely crazy. Bluebeard!

Doctor, you'll back me up, won't you? What is it?

What a cute little tibia you have.

(SIREN)

Here we are, sonny. I've told him a thousand times.

They was playing soldiers.

He must've been a Jerry!

Poor little fellow. What about his poor grandad? He's bedridden, and relies on that.

Morning, Matron. Good morning. Er...about last night.

I don't think we should discuss that, Dr Tinkle. I agree. It's best forgotten.

I have suspended Nurse May, and confined her to her room. Perhaps you should dismiss her.

The Hospital Committee will decide. Oh, we don't need to bother with them, do we?

They will want to know what she was doing in your room.

Oh, come on. Can't it just be our little secret, eh?

Dr Kilmore saw it too, remember?

Yes, but I'm sure we can find a way of fixing him... Well, I don't want to jeopardise your position, Doctor.

Of course not, Matron. Perhaps we could discuss this over dinner tonight?

Oh, that would be rather nice.

The pleasure would be all mine, Matron. Well, I am sure you won't be disappointed.

Young chickens may be soft and tender, but older birds have more on them. True.

And take a lot more stuffing.

Thank you, Doctor. It won't happen again. Here's your helmet.

We've got to get that back to his poor grandad.

Ah, Nurse Clarke. Just the person I wanted to see. Oh? What about?

It's about the girl you share a room with. Nurse May?

Could you keep an eye on her? There are enough people doing that!

Last night, she was very emotionally upset.

She seemed all right when I left her. She may do something silly.

You don't mean...?

Surely not, Doctor. Anything can happen in a hospital, Nurse.

You done it on purpose!

Oh, no.

Little swine! He dropped it just as I stepped off the kerb.

I don't really need that, Nurse.

Please, Mr Roper. Dr Tinkle wants a specimen for analysis.

He does, does he?

Some of these patients, Matron... We're being far too easy on them. I quite agree, Doctor.

Still tripping down the corridor, Mr Biddle? Yes, Doctor. I'm enjoying...

You're not here to enjoy yourself! He is confined to bed!

Good morning, Mr Smith. Doctor... Ah, yes. We'll have those stitches out today.

Will I have an anaesthetic? Certainly not! Won't it hurt?

Yes. Next time you consider having a lump, think twice about it.

Mr Roper... Temperature 4 degrees BELOW normal today. I can't understand that at all.

Perhaps the tea was cold this morning. What?

We must endeavour to keep it down with ice-water baths... every four hours.

Ice-water? Day and night!

Ah, Mr Barron... The psychologist thinks you're suffering from a sympathetic pregnancy.

No, Doctor, I'm just having a baby.

He says you're feeling all the ill-effects of a mother-to-be. Yes.

Since you've insisted on assuming the role of a mother,

I'd like you to attend all the pre-natal exercise classes.

I'd better see Mr Wrigley. Very well, Doctor. Sit up, please.

I still don't like the look of him.

Eeuch!

How are you, Mr Bigger? Doctor, I've got a green tongue.

Oh, how are your bowels? I haven't looked. A good big dose for you this evening, Mr Bigger.

Back still painful? Oh, yes. Never mind, it's only a question of time.

Well, you're not going to be with us for long.

You'll be measuring me up for my coffin next. Oh, I don't think so.

No. I shall be lucky to get an old tea-chest.

Matron, I think we'll try a bit of traction on Mr Bigger.

A bit of what? Just heavy weights designed to stretch you.

Is this the Spanish Inquisition? I'd rather lie here and shrivel.

It's a very effective treatment.

Look, I don't... Effective?

You mean...I might even live?

I'm sure you will. Nobody's died of it yet. Well, get your tractor out!

It's Mr Roper's. Ah, the temperature king. Let's see.

I may be wrong, Nurse, but I think Mr Roper is producing neat Scotch.

This is very interesting.

Dr Kilmore!

What is it? Look! Where?

Oh, good grief! No, Sand... Don't shout at her.

That's the worst thing you can do. What, then? We must reason with her. Come on.

Which room? That one.

It's locked. The roof...quick!

Aaaggh!

OK. It's only me.

Go away, you dirty Peeping Tom!

No, no, you see... I thought you were going to jump.

Aaaggh!

What's all the screaming? I dunno.

Oh, look! A roof-top drama.

Cor! Have a look at this! What is it?

Get back in your beds at once!

And miss this? Not on your nelly! What's going on in here?

Kilmore!

Come down at once! He must be mad. I always suspected he was unstable. Unstable's the word. Look at him!

What's happened?

It's all right. I'm coming back now.

Ooh! Oh!

Aaaggh!

Ohhh!

Hold on. I'm coming.

Oh...oh...

Aaaggh!

HELP!

Don't move! Don't move? I can't move!

I'm here! Hold on!

I can't reach.

Wait!

I'm not going anywhere.

I hope.

Grab hold of my leg.

Got it!

I'm OK. Climb up me.

Oh!

Aaaggh!

Oh, dreadfully sorry. I didn't know that you...

I was outside, and I didn't know that you were here.

Would you like to try those on?

Aaarghh!

No, well, I'm sorry. You see, I came in...

I'm terribly...

He peeped at a nurse sun-bathing in the semi-nude, half stripped another,

and attacked a third one in her bath.

That's a load of rubbish. Doc Kilmore's not like that.

We saw him rip her skirt off!

Not on purpose. It was an accident.

That's what I try to tell my old woman.

He tried to stop himself falling off the roof.

Ah, but what was he doing on the roof? Argh!

Bath time, Mr Roper.

Oh, but my temperature's normal now.

I can't help that. Dr Tinkle's orders - every four hours.

You'll get shot if she sees you.

She won't if she's getting his bath ready.

Mr Biddle, is that what you want?

Yes, thank you.

Just ring for it. Oh, ding-dong.

Come along, Mr Roper. All right.

Where's Mr Barron?

Still at classes.

Right leg. Raise, two, three. Lower, two, three.

Both legs - raise.

Come on, Mr Barron. You're not trying.

Aaarghh!

Lower, two, three.

Right leg - raise, two, three.

Now, sit up, ladies.

Arms above the heads.

Breathe in, two, three.

Out, two, three.

Let me go back to bed.

Here's the ice. Put it in the bath.

I'm not having that again! In you go.

Excuse me, Sister.

I'm from Cox & Carter, about the new rubber sheets.

I don't need to bother you. I only want to measure the beds.

Oh, they're all the same. Use one of the private rooms.

Don't be a baby, Mr Roper. It's only ice.

I know it is! I just sat on a lump.

Never again. From now, it's the Pill.

Morning, sir. I didn't mean to disturb you.

You fiend! You might have waited till I'd gone.

They wanted me to do it now, sir.

I shall do YOU now, if you don't get out. Now, get out.

I only want to make my living.

You grave-robber. If I get my hands on you...!

They don't want rubber sheets. They want straitjackets.

Good luck. I think I'm going to need it.

Maybe this will help.

When you're quite ready, Dr Kilmore... Right, Matron.

Nurse Clarke, you may return to your duties.

Ah, Kilmore... Sir Edmund Burke... Yes, we did bump into each other once before.

"Bumped" is right. Into the back of my Jag.

Oh...

I'm sure that won't influence your decision in this case. Of course not.

..THIS time.

Do sit down, Kilmore. Thank you.

Well, I'm a fair man, and I'll conduct this inquiry in a fair manner. Thank you, sir.

Are you a ruddy sex maniac or summat?

What? That's h-hardly fair, sir.

Peeking at girls... mucking about in baths... What would that make me? A wishful thinker?

Kilmore, rudeness will get you nowhere.

I'm sorry, but I want to explain.

What were you doing on the roof?

I saw Nurse May climb through the window. I thought she was going to jump.

But why? Because of the night before. What did you do?

I didn't do anything. It was...

Go on, Kilmore. I want Sir Edmund to hear your story. All right. Dr Tinkle had a row with her.

She got very upset! A row? I mean, really! Yes!

Matron was there. She can tell you. Matron?

I don't know what he's talking about.

But...this is absurd! Nurse May... Get her in. Ask her!

Oh, yes, I'd like that. I've heard she's qu...

I'm afraid Nurse May has left. She was so upset by Dr Kilmore's conduct.

I don't blame her. Bu... Nurse Clarke! SHE thought Nurse May was going to jump too.

Matron?

I'm sure she'd back him up. She has what is commonly known as a 'crush' on Dr Kilmore. Really?

They were kissing outside the door.

He IS a sex maniac. Don't you ever have enough?

Yes! I've had enough of this farce! And don't bother to sack me, I'll resign.

You resignation is accepted. And don't ask me for a reference.

I wouldn't ask you for an aspirin, you old poop face. What did you say?

Poop face! P-O-O-P, poop!

Poop face? That's what he called him. Excuse me.

Poop face! I beg your pardon?

Sorry, Chaplain. Where can I find Mr Francis Bigger?

He's in the privates. Pardon?

In the private wards! Through the door, and turn left.

Thank you.

What's he want him for? He's getting married.

Here's the Chaplain, Mr Bigger.

Ah, how do you do? How do you do?

Have you got the licence, dear? The LICENCE!

No, dear, that's for the dog. The one for the other thing. The licence!

Now, have you got the ring? The RING?

Gold! You didn't have to go mad, dear. Oh, no. It didn't cost me anything.

It was my mother's wedding ring.

I didn't know she was married.

You still want me as bridesmaid? Yes, please.

And someone should give Miss Gibson away. They'd have to. Oops!

I'll find someone.

I haven't conducted a wedding in a hospital before. Well...

We just want a simple ceremony.

Nothing expensive. Just the "do yous"... No organ, and no sex chat.

Pardon? My battery's a bit low.

I can certainly pick 'em.

Sorry, Fred, but I did promise I'd visit her again.

I know, but if they bring any more of that medicine, I'm off.

I must have broken all running records.

Mr Biddle!

What do you think you're doing?

HE DISGUISES VOICE: Very sorry, no speak English.

Just a moment, Mr Biddle. Oh, Nurse, please!

I only want to visit somebody. I have a job for you first. But there's only 10 minutes left.

It won't take long. In here.

Oh, Sister. Will you tell my husband I won't be able to visit him this evening, only...it's started.

Do you, Francis Kitchener Bigger, take this woman...

I do.

I DO!

Do you, Chloe Gibson, take this man to be your lawful...

wedded husband? I do!

He's asking you!

Do you etc. etc.? Oh, yes. Don't tell me, tell him! I do.

She does! I DO!

Come on. I shall be too tired for my honeymoon. Yeah, hurry up.

Have you got the ring? The ring! What ring?

Where's the ring? No, dear, give it to the referee.

No, the best man should have it!

Right, now what happens next?

The best man hands it to the bridegroom.

Thank you.

Now, repeat after me... Will you speak up! She can't hear!

With this ring I thee wed. Louder!

(SHOUTS) With this ring I thee wed.

Now you, dear. With this ring, I thee wed.

Speak up, dear.

(SHOUTS) With this ring I thee wed.

(VISITING BELL RINGS)

By giving and receiving of a ring, and by joining of hands.

I pronounce that they be man and wife together.

Congratulations. Good luck.

Good evening, all. Evening, Doctor.

Just looked in to say goodbye. I'm off first thing in the morning, up north.

We know, Doc. We've heard all about it.

Oh! Oh, I see.

I told them. It wasn't fair the way they treated you.

Well... Can't be helped.

Well...

Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed half-a-crown?

No. Two days later, his mother was told, "There's still no change."

Ah, well... Bye. Ta-ra, Doc. Goodbye.

Aw, now, come on. That's enough of that. Look at all the smudges there.

Cheer up, Nurse. That won't do any good.

I bet Florence Nightingale never cried.

It would've put her lamp out.

It's all so unfair.

You tell them what happened.

They'd never believe me.

They've got him by the aniseeds.

If I got hold of that Dr Tinkle, I'd shove a catheter up his nostril!

Hey, why don't we all go and have a talk with Tinkle?

What about Matron?

The women patients could do that. You see that bird of yours.

Oh-oh!

I'll never get past her!

There must be some way of getting you into that ward. ..Nurse Clarke!

We can't involve her! Wouldn't be her fault if somebody used her uniform.

It's all clear. Come on.

Hey, Nurse...

Pull your knicker up.

Nurse, give this suppository to Miss Morrison in bed three.

(SQUEAKY VOICE) Good evening.

Ken, what on earth... Sh! I had to see you.

You know about Dr Kilmore? Yeah, it was rotten. Will you help us do something?

Get all the women who can walk ready for action, and wait for my whistle.

Nurse. Yes. What is it?

You want to what?

Oh, very well. I'll go and get it for you.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) What is it?

Hello, Kenneth. Hello, Matron. It's only little me.

I thought you'd be surprised. Matron! What is it? What do you want? Don't you know?

No. Are you not feeling well? Oh, I'm feeling wonderful.

I just thought we'd have a drink, to celebrate. To celebrate what? We got rid of Kilmore and the girl.

Oh, that, yes. Well, I appreciate your help there, Matron, and sometime... No, now!

Kenneth, I'm in the mood. And don't call me Matron, naughty boy. It's Lavinia!

But someone might come in. You must leave my room at once. Really, Matron...I mean, Lavinia.

Wouldn't it be awful, Kenneth, if someone found out Dr Kilmore was right.

Not that I'D want to tell anyone, of course.

Not unless I HAD to. Well, perhaps just a quick one.

I'm glad I'm out of that lot. I was just beginning to fancy you. Oh, shut up!

Thank you, Nurse. Where will Tinkle be now? In his room, top floor.

Wait for me. No, you'd better stay put, Mr Barron.

After all the pre-natal classes he made me go to?

What are you doing?

Get back to your beds at once. (PIERCING WHISTLE)

At once, do you hear!

What is the meaning of this?

Having trouble, Ken? Maybe you can persuade Sister to help.

It'll be a pleasure! Come on, girls.

What the devil's going on?

Fancy wearing red ones under all that! You keep quiet.

Oh! What is this? The revolt of the slaves? We got some business to settle with Tinkle.

Tinkle? Count me in. Up the rebels, and to hell with Burgundy. Where? Bur-gun-dy.

She won't give you any more trouble.

Nice work, love. Right. Forward...company.

Here, what's going on? Where are you lot going to? You should be... Here!

Matron, please...! I'm not that kind of doctor.

Kenneth, we've wasted so many years. This is our moment of fulfilment.

But I don't want to feel full... full feel... This could ruin my training programme. Forget it.

It's my duty to keep myself fit and strong. I was once a weak man.

Once a week's enough for any man.

Kiss me, Kenneth. Send me. You don't know what agony it's been. Yearning to give you my all.

I don't even want a little bit. I will not be put off.

Not after all I've done for you.

Matron, no, please! Ooh, your hand!

Well, I've heard of a bedside manner, but this...!

What do you think you're doing here?

Not what YOU thought of doing!

Matron and I were discussing business...some cases. How dare you! Back to the wards, all of you!

Mavis! Get this old battleship out of here.

Battleship!

Come on, girls.

What is it? What do you want?

What we want is a signed confession.

But the Matron and I weren't doing anything! We didn't mean HER.

You and the little nurse - with the big glands. You can't MAKE me do that! No?

You'd better get the Doctor's bath ready, Mr Roper. A pleasure.

No, wait a minute! Now, look here!

Tell the truth about Dr Kilmore, Matron.

No, never! You'll regret this.

All right, girls, get the stuff. We'll give you one of the most diabolical tortures ever devised...

A blanket bath. No! No!

All right now, Mr Roper? Enough to freeze the barnacles off a brass dinghy.

Take your hands off me! All right, Mr Smith, hold him over it.

Now will you sign, Doctor? Certainly not! You wouldn't dare!

Mr Smith! I'm sorry, he slipped.

You fools! Idiots! It won't work. I take a cold shower every morning.

That's it.

Luke-warm water, lovely rough flannels...

Girls, let's get her things off. Don't you dare!

We can't take a bed bath with our clothes on, can we?

Hey, look at that!

Miss Bedpan 1968.

RAUCOUS SHOUTING

Are you ready to tell, Matron? No, no!

Right! Here we go!

MATRON SQUEALS

Oh, poor old Matron! That's going too far.

MATRON SCREAMS

No, no.. I'll never sign! Never! Sam, Henry, stop them!

Do something!

The wind's getting up again.

Maybe we ought to do something. Yeah... Another quick look first!

No, no! I'll sign! I'll sign!

Here, where've they gone? You won't get away with it, d'you hear?

Don't tell me they're going to... HE WHISTLES

Where are you? I know you're here.

All right. You've had your fun. I'll make a bargain with you.

Let me go and I'll say nothing about your conduct tonight. That's fair, isn't it?

Answer me!

Aaaggh!

What are you doing?

All right, you've had your fun. Let me go. Answer me!

D'you hear?

Answer me! What are you doing?

You wouldn't dare! Now, come along.

Ohh!

You wouldn't dare!

Let's be reasonable about this.

Oh! All right, come on. You've had your little joke.

Let me go now, and we'll forget the whole thing.

Wait! So you'll sign then? No, I'll forget about all this.

Looks like we'll have to proceed with the removal as planned. Yes...

What removal? Cor blimey! Have you ever seen such a horrible one?

How long have you had this lump? Are you mad?

Oh, dear. Looks like a severe case of water in the lower bowel...

aggravated by wind in the upper Nile. We'll have it off. You mean out?

And off.

Right... Scalpel. Scalpel. Sharpener... What about the anaesthetic?

No, we want him to enjoy it. Aaarrggh! Wait! We forgot to shave him. Oh yes!

I used to be a barber. Brush...lather...razor...

No, no. Not up there! Down here, where his trouble is.

Tinkle, it's your last chance! Will you sign? Of course not! You wouldn't DARE do anything to me.

Oh, yes I would. I've only got a couple of days to live, remember?

There's nothing wrong with you, you fool!

Oh? You only gave me a week, don't forget.

I said you could only stay in the hospital for a week! Eh?

Dr Kilmore told me there was nothing wrong with you, just a few bruises the day they brought you in.

(HEARS WEDDING MARCH)

Are you telling me I married that old bag for nothing?

Yes. Now perhaps you'll stop all this nonsense and let me up!

Not on your nelly! I'll cut his two-faced pancreas out! It's no good. He'll never sign.

There's just one more chance.

You're wasting your time. You can't frighten me.

Come on then. Turn him over on his side.

No, no, no! I'll sign! I'll sign!

Doctor...

It's poor grandad. That little devil. This way.

You'll soon have it off, Grandad.

Oh, Doctor... Yes, Dr Kilmore?

A casualty for you. Oh, yes. I'll attend to it right away.

Carry on, Doctor. And you.

Goodbye, Mr Barron. It's a wonderful baby. Isn't he?

I really think it's been worth all this suffering, don't you, dear?

We could have another one if you like!

We'd better get home first. I have to feed baby in an hour.

Goodbye, Mr Barron.

I do not want a nice little flat in Eastbourne.

I know what's best for you. Oh?

No more giving silly lectures. Silly lectures?

Yes. Rubbish. Rubbish? Rubbish, and you know it.

No! A good steady job, that's what you need. (I know what you need.)

What? Nothing, dear.

What? NOTHING! Why shout?

I'm sorry. She will definitely have to go.

CLATTERING AND SCREAMING What now?

Oh, my back! It's agony! It is agony! I told you to mind the step.

Hurts a bit, Mr Bigger? Oh, yes. It's agony!

I shall be here for months...

with any luck.