All language subtitles for Bill Burr - 2008 - Why Do I Do This.English

Alright thank you

Thank you very much

Alright, Jesus

Alright, alright

Settle

Settle, we're going to build

We're going to build

Alright thank you, thank you

Thank you very much

Thanks a lot

Look at this

Not bad. Alright, alright, OK

Thank you, thank you. Jesus Christ

Give out some free tickets everybody shows up huh!?

"It's like this guy fucking rocks man!!!"

"Free tickets! I like this guy"

Alright, well it's good to be here. It's nice to be back in town here in New York

I didn't do shit today

I didn't. I'm a loser man. Just sat around watching TV

And all that type of stuff and...

Let me tell you something man. You know what?

I'm sick of paedophiles

I am

Sex offenders

Dude their on every channel, everybody is doing something

On sex offenders you know

It's like dude, I got it

There's people out there touching kids

You know?

But it's not everybody

It's a very small portion of the population

So you know take it down a few

Because you're making it fucking awkward out there

Dude you can't say hi to kids anymore

I love kids

I love kids

I like making faces at them on the airplane

Making them laugh

Now parents are like "is that a sex offender?"

They start huddling their kids in

Making me feel like a freak, you know?

I'm terrified of kids now

Remember back in the day when a kid would come walking up to you

You could pat him on the head

"Hey there Rusty, how you doing? Right?"

Now the kid comes walking up to you

"Dude! Get that thing the fuck away from me"

"Get it away from me! Serious dude. Get it away from me!"

"Hands are up high, not aroused"

"Just terrified"

"Please, for the love of God"

"Get that thing away from me, alright"

The FBI

Have to catch a predator guy come walking out

"What you doing here? Huh? What are you doing here?"

"Nah, nah, sit down"

That show that is horrible PR for white people huh?

Jesus Christ

Can they move that show to an urban area every once in a while

Just to catch a couple of

R Kelly's peeing on some kids

Just balance it out a little bit

Does every dude walking in that house gotta look like me?

"Yeah, gonna fuck an 8 year old! How are ya?"

No, but it's unbelievable

Everybody is talking about paedophiles and all the types of stuff

I don't know

Maybe it's because there's more of them nowadays

Is it easier now?

Because of the Internet? You know?

Because back in the day you had to work for it, right?

You had to get an ice cream truck. You had to buy some fudgsicles

You gotta figure out when the kids got out of school. You pick a straggler, you know?

Now you just go on the Internet and you just Google:

'www. 8 year old who's parents have fallen asleep', you know you're in there!

Nah, it's unreal

When was the last time you saw a kid riding a bicycle down the street?

Dude, you never gonna see that shit again

Never see them playing outside

Parents have them inside now

Just feeding them and feeding them you know?

Just making them fatter and fatter

Trying to make them unfuckable

That's what it is

That's why you see

450 pound 8 year olds just come waddling out the house

You can't get that kid in the car

I'm serious paedophiles in general are very skinny people

They gotta start chalking up their forearms

Fucking blowing out their backs

It's just a theory people, seriously.

Don't take this shit too seriously

"Does he really think that? Does he think that's why there's..."

I rented that movie recently

Have you guys seen that movie? Anybody seen that?

It's about the the first "All Black" swim team

And the difficulties they had to go through being the first 'All Black' swim team

Let me ask you a question

How many of those 'White people are EVIL' movies are they gonna make?

It's like it's all the way down to swimming

I'm starting to run out of 'White guilt' you know?

It's like those movies they started off unbelievable. Started off with right?

White guilt was at an all-time high. I could barely even watch it

I'm like dude, I got it. My ancestors were evil OK. Please

Please turn the channel dude. Please turn the channel

Are they still hitting him? FUCK! Turn the channel!

This is going to on all week? Jesus Christ! Turn the channel

Then in the 80s there was like a football movie

Cuba Gooding wanted to be a scuba diver. Remember that shit?

And now its all the way down to swimming. And I gotta admit...

I don't think I give a fuck!

I'm not trying to be a dick

But its all recreational activity

Plus I've been in pools

And there's been Black people in the pool you know

I never saw any White guy like trying to prevent people

From getting into the pool

Are they just making this shit up?

I'm not being a dick here either OK?

Just to clarify...

I don't want anybody coming up to me after the show

"You know I was thinking it and you fucking said it""

I'm not saying...

I dont't think Black people should be allowed

To put on some speedos and go for a dip. I'm not saying that shit

I'm just saying...

These movies, the characters aren't even believable

They always have to have like that 'over-the-top' uninhibited White racist character

You know? You know that guy?

He's like the guy that's suppose to represent all the white evil

He's like the dude they always have screaming during the movie trailer. It'll be like:

"They were the first All Black swim team"

"GET OUT OF THE POOL!"

He's got like a big vein on his forehead

He's just like screaming shit. Not even looking around.

Dude, it's ridiculous. Real racism is quiet

It's subtle. People look around first

They make sure the coast is clear

There's disclaimers like, "Dude, you know I'm not racist"

"But er... [insert group name] followed by fucked up conversation right?"

That's how it goes down

Not just some guy

Just standing up, "There's negroes in the pool!"

"Do you approve of this"

"I work at the bank. Could I be fired immediately please"

I'm just saying could you just make the shit like believable

You know what these movies are starting to give me a complex

You know cause any time they do a movie about a group of people

That thinks dumb shit about another group of people

It's always like white dudes

So it's like are white dudes the only ones who think ignorant shit

About other people?

No Mexican guy ever walked up to someone from India like

"Dude, what the fuck is that?"

"Is it like itchy? Does it bug you?"

White dudes are the only ones walking around: "What you guys dont eat cows?"

"What are you a bunch of fags!!!"

"Well then why are you wearing sandals?"

"This guys wearing sandals! This guy's a fag!"

Nah, I'm just saying, you know

Just balance the movies out a little bit like just have some

Of the evil shit that black people say about white people

You know when we're not around? You know like...

Like what are some good examples, you know? You know like...

Do you know what I mean? You know, you're hanging out. You had a rough day

What are some of the classics?

You smell like wet dogs, right?

You got headlice or something like that right?

Just slip some of that shit in there

"Get out of the POOL!"

"WASH YOUR HAIR MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

Make it seem a little more

Dude, I'm just say it's all went down to swimming

Where the fuck do you go from there?

Ping Pong?

"They were the first 'all black' Ping Pong team"

"They're gonna steal the paddles"

"Denzel Washington"

"My daughter's not playing Ping Pong!"

"You got to go out there and show the
white man you're good at Ping Pong"

No, I'm not saying er...

Nah, it's always weird bringing this shit up

Nah, I'm not saying white people are not evil either

Because I know we're evil.

I got that evil in me

I do, that's why I can feel it. That's why I try to suppress it

Try to dress casual, you know what I mean?

I'm serious. I tried a suit on the other day and

Felt it coming up like fuck man

I want to take over some shit, right?

I'm gonna start telling people what to do

I'm gonna pollute a lake

Blame it on my secretary, you know?

I don't even like those movies when they make black and white people get along

Even those one's seem ridiculous you know?

Because there's always has to be like some sort of lesson

In those movies is like, "You know I never look at it that way"

It's like that never happens, you know

Anytime I hanged out with a black dude

At no point during the evening has he tried to teach me how to dance, you know?

That interracial moment they always have to have in those movies

And I never go to his neighbourhood

To try and like save a school, you know?

How many times are they gonna make that movie?

You know that movie?

White person goes into the projects

They just have to make a difference

You know they just made that movie again with Hilary Swank

It's like did you even need to go see it?

It's like let me guess:
she shows up and they don't accept, right?

And she goes home, she cries to her effeminate boyfriend

And he's wearing sweatpants

And he's cooking something for some reason, right?

And he convinces her to give it one more chance, right?

When she goes back down, she starts drawing out their inner beauty

Next thing you know they put a do-rag on her

She's starts fucking dancing

And it's just embarassing for all races involved

For the love of God! Stop making that fucking movie!

Dude the amount of times they made that movie

I would think I would know somebody White

Who actually did that shit, you know? Just be like:

"Yeah, that's Mike he saves ghettos. That's what he does, you know"

"Sit around and watch sports center. He's in the projects every weekend"

Writing his name on the blackboard, "My name's Mr Michael..."

"ALRIGHT! WHO THREW THAT!? WHO THREW THAT!?"

It's just annoying after a while

And it always fucking works out too

Anytime a white person goes down there

I wanna see a movie where it doesn't work out

Like the white guy goes down there. On the first day

Just gets the shit kicked out him

Just leaving all negative

"You can't fucking help these people you know!!!"

"You go down there"

"You try to do something nice. I couldn't get a goddamn word in"

"That's a $300 perscription!"

So here is something I saw the other day

I have not seen in a long time. You know what I saw?

I saw BALLS on a dog

Hey you remember that shit?

Dude, I have not seen that since like the late 90s

I was just sitting there looking I remember that shit!

Dogs use to have balls! I remember that

Remember that? You hit your friend

Hey look at his balls!

And everybody would laugh

No, but somewhere along the line

It became socially acceptable to cut your dog's balls off

Whether there is anything wrong with them or not

Under the whole fear of

"If we don't do it he's gonna fuck another dog"

"Their gonna make more dogs"

"And what are we gonna do with all these dogs?"

"They'll not have any homes. What are we gonna do?"

I love that shit, "What are we gonna do?"

It's like dude their animals. Just let them go

They'll be fine. They got fangs, they got claws. They'll form packs

They'll help with the obesity problem in this country

You come stumbling out of a Cheesecake factory

Then just like I herd of fucking rottweilers

You gotta run to your SUV. Dive in dukes of hazard style right?

No, I'm "pro-dog balls"

I am

I don't really think there's anything wrong with it

Dog should be able to fuck who he wants to

It's ridiculous

Nah, I wanna get a dog

I've been dying to get a dog

And my girl's immediately

"Well, if we get a dog, we have to get him fixed"

I'm like why do we have to get him fixed?

"Well, that's what's you're suppose to do"

[Speechless]

I'm like you're not a veterinary and she's like neither are you!

Great! Well then it's a stalemate

Neither one of us knows what the fuck were talking about

So let's not start cutting anything off the animal, alright?

So of course she's a female, she's gotta go out prove me wrong

Goes out gets a book

"See! It says right here:"

"If you get your dog fixed, he's less likely to be aggressive hmm? OK?"

"No, no, listen. God, you're such an asshole! Just listen"

"Then it says..."

"He's less likely to rip up the furniture, you know?"

I was like, 'Sweetheart when we were a kid'

'We had a family dog alright?'

'He had his BALLS'

'OK, sure ocassionally he humped your leg'

'But generally speaking, he just laid around, he begged for food'

'You came home, he was all excited'

'But he wasn't wearing a raincoat like jerking off or something'

'He lived for 15 years, without incident, with his BALLS!'

'No sexual harassment! Nothing!'

No, I think it's weird, how like as human beings

We're trying to control the population of animals you know?

Like any time the deer population gets outta control

Some dude will literally get on TV and be like:

"Alright, the deer population is up to about 17-18 hundred"

"Realistically, we need to get that number down"

"to about 5-6 of them, alright"

"So starting tomorrow if you gotta gun"

"FUCKING SHOOT ONE IN THE FACE!!!"

Just sitting at home, what are the deer doing that so bad for the environment?

"Their gonna eat all the fucking grass"

"Coming up the trees, just nibbling!"

"JUST NIBBLING!"

Dude, the deer didn't put a hole in the ozone layer, alright?

That's not a bunch of dogs clogging up the freeway

It's us! Right?

But we can fuck all we want

No one's gonna stop you

You could have 15 kids, have a 16th on the way

No one's gonna get on TV and be like:

"Alright, Paul is still..."

"FUCKING"

"Starting tomorrow if you got a gun"

"FUCKING SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE!!!"

"Do what you gotta do. This guy is out of control"

No, it's great

It's great man

You can just keep banging away

Just keep banging away

Making one useless

Mediocre 'not going to invent shit' kid after another

Nah, I don't understand people like that

Don't you realise after your third loser kid

You don't have the DNA to make somebody special [any more]

It's like what are you doing?

All you're doing

You're just making more 'in-the-way' people

Just walking around, looking up and shit

As you're trying to get down the sidewalk you know

Or you know that dude whenever you go into the deli

There's always that guy in front you

Doesn't know what he wants

"Er.. What kind of bread is that?"

It's like dude! Stop making that fuckin guy

Jesus Christ! That dude is everywhere

That's why I love old people

I love old people, they're always with their family photos

Cracks me up

They're all proud:

"Well, we had 5 kids, and they all had 5 blablabla..."

It's like yeah, none of you did shit

I don't recognize anybody in that photo

You just make 30 people

Who are all taking a shit every day that ends up in a river

It's not a family photo

It's an environmental disaster and you framed it

No, that's my solution for global warming

Everyone's talking about cars and oil. That doesn't matter

It's just too many people... you know...

Just too many people doing it

You know you want to help the environment

Just stop fucking

Right? I'm not saying stop fucking but you know...

'Pull out'

You can still have your fun right?

But you gotta stop looking at babies like they're these cute things, alright?

They're not!

They are cute but most of them are just going to grow up

And end up being another shit head

And like an SUV that doesn't pull out far enough into the intersection right

Now you gotta wait a whole other light to make a left

And your just sitting there losing your shit!

Screaming at your wind shield

To this dude who didn't need to exist

It's like there's no reason for that guy!

We got that guy!

I don't know

That's my plan

They should just make babies illegal

For the next 25-30 years, right?

Wouldn't that be great?

Think about it...

3 people are born every second to 1 person dying

Right, so if your not making any body

It's like BAM! Somebody just died

Right?

Somebody just fell down some stairs

Somebody just tripped over skateboard

Right and you know what?

Just fucking lanes just opening up on the highway, right?

You know, you get to work a little sooner

You're in a better mood

Dude you get it down to like 30,000 people

30,000 people would be the shit!

Right? Super Bowl comes around, everybody can go

Everybody can go

22 of you get to play

The odds of you making it in NFL

Is ridiculous

Dude, even if you suck, you can still do a block on punts

You can be like a 'wedge breaker' or maybe that guy

Who holds down that first down marker

Going yeah, I'm fucking doing something

You wouldn't have to recycle

Dude, if there was like 30,000 people

Everybody here could literally drive your own tank

Drive a tank, throw toxic waste out the top

You could shoot a bald eagle right in the head

Nah! There's plenty of them!

There's plenty of them!

Dude they're shitting all over my tank

What the fuck am I suppose to do?

Look people... I don't read OK?

Seriously, none of my shit is researched. You know

But out of all the bullshit I'm talking up here

I think I'm on to something with this you know

It's like I'm eliminating people

But no one has to die

That's it just to stop making [babies]

Or we're going to end up like China

They got like over a billion people

Just jam-packed. Everyday's just like the subway

You stand there. You can't even fall asleep

"Oh shit, sorry about that"

Just jam-packed

You don't think about that shit?

Just standing there, sitting there

First of all, how easy is it to get away with a crime over in China?

You know?

First of all, you pick somebody's pocket

You don't even have to run away

Just fucking weave your way back into the crowds

Stand over here

Guy standing like:

"Dude! Somebody just took my wallet"

"Dude! He's right over there"

"He's right over th... He's right there [...]"

"Dude, he's got black hair and he's 5'5" Foot "

"Dressed like he's in "

"He's right over there"

No, that's where we're going to be headed

How many more strip malls can you make?

Place to get donuts and people just...

Get their nails done

Everybody's all excited

"This area's really sweet"

"Exploding, it's really exploding"

It's like no dude

People are FUCKING

And then they're just building more shit

I don't know

I gotta get my act together man I'm really ah...

I'm really at a critical point in my life you know?

I am

I'm serious

I'm a fucking psycho man. I have realized this about myself

You know I'm are not married, you know?

I'm really getting to that critical age where pretty soon I'm just you know...

I gotta pick a street

Either I'm gonna get married, you know?

Or I'm just gonna end up being that creepy old guy

Hanging out a bar you know

With red chest hair hanging out

No seriously, I don't know what's wrong with me

I just think I stayed single for too long. It's just brutal

There's a critical point when you stay single too long

When your brain switches from ah... you know like

"You know, don't say that"

To: "Fuck it! Say it. See what happens"

And once you cross that line...

The evil that just opens up, its just, you know?

I don't know, I just find women they're like ah....

I think they're great and I don't want this to come off like

I'm up here like I'm some women hater, you know

Cause you know

I know I'm a psycho but it's just like

I just find them to be like relentless

Just every day, they just gotta

Come at you

They just wake up. They have an agenda

They're like these psycho robots

That never run outta battery and everyday just

[...]

Just keep coming at you

[...]

Right?

You gotta deal with that every single day

"Hey honey, do you want..."

And you literally you know

Every day is like waves hitting a beach

Every day just eroding a little more of your life away you know

Just waking up inch by inch, every day just

[...]

"Why are you hanging out with him? He drinks too much"

[...]

"Where did you buy that? That's ugly"

"Throw it out"

[...]

So one day you just hang out in the middle the lagoon

Just floating there with your baseball cards

Waving to your friends back on the shore

"Dude! Get me tickets I still like sports"

"Oh here she comes, here she comes"

"Oh hey honey, how you doing?"

No, I'm trying to learn how to pick my battles with my girl

You know

I used argue all the time

I just trying to pick the battles

Somedays [...] they come at you

You just gotta let them go

Just let them go

Follow them to whatever dumb shit they want to do

"Let's have a picnic. We'll have a picnic"

On other days

You just gotta get your hand out

Just create this perimeter. Something for them to bounce off

[...]

You just send that psycho energy in another direction [...]

Find yourself a couple hours for freedom

Before they bounce off something else [...]

"Start coming at you"

"Let's go see my parents"

No! They're relentless. They never stop

And there's no reason for them to stop

You know why?

Cause you can't hit them

That's what it is

Think about that

There's no ...

Physical ramifications for being an asshole

When you're a women! Do you know how much of a...

Do you know how much of a dick I would be

If it was socially unacceptable to kick the shit out of me

Dude, I would be trashing everybody I saw

See some big muscle bound guy

"Hey! I go to the fucking gym"

Slap his protein shake down there

'Hey! Go fuck yourself! Right?'

But I can't do that right?

Every guy has a line

And if I cross the line...

I get blasted in the face

Totally acceptable right?

But with women there's no line. They can just keep fucking

[...]

Just keep coming at you

Dude they can do stuff worthy of like a suplex

And they'll just stand right next to it

They don't even have the decency to run away

They're like lighting your clothes on fire. They're like:

"Tada! I did that shit"

"Oh yeah :)"

"And I was so proud of my work"

"I stuck around to see your reaction"

"I invited a couple of friends to heckle you"

"As you try and stomp is out with your bare feet"

Oh yeah, they like key your car, signing their name

SUSAN DID THIS SHIT!!!

You're sitting like: 'Now? Can I at least put her in a headlock?'

'Give her a couple of...'

I feel bad for women that you never get to feel that

You guys should...

Should do it to each other. Every once in a while

Just hall off, just blast one of your friends in the face

It's good for you

No, I know. Yeah it hurts.

You can't feel your nose. Your ears are ringing

But I'm telling you man it...

It clears your head

And it causes you to evaluate yourself

I swear to God

Everytime I ever got punched in the face

I was always pissed but at some point during the drive home

I'd always be thinking like:

"You know, I was kinda being a dick back there"

"I really think about it, I probably shouldn't have said that last shit you know"

You like make that adjustment

"This guy's an asshole. I can't believe he's just gonna say this kind of..."

Actually my girl punched me in head on Valentines Day a few years ago

Yeah, you wanna hear this story

This is a great one

This is how much of a dick I am

That I can actually

Tell a girl I love her, give her a card

And somehow at the end of the night

She still blasted me in the head you know

I can't even remember what happened

All I know is she said some shit

Then I said some stuff

Then she said some more stuff

And I said fuck it, I'm going for big air

I said the last shit

And next thing you know she just came flying at me, right?

Fist balled up

OK, at first she was just hitting me all in here which is acceptable, right?

It's a holiday, let's fucking keep it nice, you know?

Let's keep it nice, right?

I gotta admit I was blocking most of it at first, right?

I was doing the 'rope-a-dope'

I was leaning back, pulling her head in, I was leaning on her

Talking shit. Trying to tire her out, right

And then all of a sudden she just went up top

Fucking WHAM! Hit me right on the side of my head

You know what hurt the most? Was not that she hit me

Was that after she hit me

She didn't have the decency to hop back like maybe something was going to happen

She knew nothing was gonna happen

It's against the rules

So not only did she get to blast me in the head

She then got to do like this UFC

Talking shit thing in my face. Just pointing

Oh, it was brutal

Then she started like breaking up some stuff, you know

Of course it was all my stuff. I'm just standing there

OK don't look her in the eyes. Stand as still as you can

Let her calm down. Oh that's great

That's something of mine from high school that meant a lot to me

Evidently not to you

It's funny. If I was doing that shit
I'd have a cop with his knee in my back

But evidently you have a vagina, so that makes it OK

I just have to stand here

As you break all my shit

I don't know

It's gotta be me, it does

You know I get into too many arguments

I do, I got into this argument with this girl the other day

You ever meet somebody like within the first couple of minutes of meeting them

That they feel like they can like sum you up?

"It's like do you know what your problem is?"

Then you like have this unbelievable urge to take their head

And just mush it into whatever they are eating you know

And really hold it there for a second

Like feel the panic in the back of their heads

As like the air bubbles become like less and less frequent

Do you ever have weird thoughts like that?

Random violent thoughts you know?

Like I actually had the urge to elbow an old lady in the face the other day

No, it was unreal

I swear to God man, I was going to get off a plane, right?

You know the rules when you go to get off the plane

It goes row by row by row right

This old lady is like OOOooo I'm 90

I get to cut everybody right?

So she started woddling around me you know

I'm competitive. I start boxing her up, right?

I swear to God I did this

I'm literally taking up the whole aisle

And all of a sudden

"Oh! I'll just go around him". She just starts waddling all around me

And then I just hear my elbow like:

"Dude, are you gonna take this shit? I mean come on!"

"Dude, you got a wide open shot you know"

"Just give her a quick one 'bump' she's not gonna feel it"

"She's gonna go down and then you can play it off like"

"Oh, was she with you? Er... how did that happen..?"

But I didn't do it. I got my body under control

"Like come on man, we can't do this shit. This is wrong"

And I thought I was in control

And then she got like right about there

And I felt like my foot going:

"Dude, we can still trip her.., we can still trip her man"

"Just throwing that out there"

All the time [bad thoughts] I didn't do it

Somebody just went: "OOOoooh!" I didn't, I didn't

It just...

You never think shit like that? You never just walk down the street

See somebody up on a ladder, you just wanna go over...

[...]

Just shaking it?

Just to do it?

You see people like eating?

You know sidewalk cafe?

"Yeah yeah yeah, having a good time. Like yay yay"

[...]

Knock all their shit off

That's all I'm saying

It was just one those moments

This girl was annoying me

She was eating something

And I was envisioning plunging your face right into it

Alright, this is basically what happened OK?

She tried to say I was homophobic

I think she's full of shit and this is the story, alright?

We were in a diner, right

We just got done eating. OK, I came out looking down at the ground and

When I looked up there was like these two dudes like

Hardcore 'making out' you know

It's like I wasn't fuckin ready. You know what I mean?

It was all it was. I wasn't ready. It's like you know

If you rented and
I'm walking through the [Gay] village

I can get my brain prepared

For what I might see, but like I wasn't fucking ready you know

I just eaten these fries. Ah! You dumb shit! You gotta go to the gym you know

I was in my own head

When I looked up these two dudes

One guy had a beard just...

[...]

Just going at it

So the second I looked up, I just went...

[...]

I just looked away

That's all I did. Real quick just:

[...]

Then this girl was just glaring at me

"Oh my God. What was that all about?"

"What was that all about? What are you homophobic?"

"Are you homophobic?"

I go 'No, I'm not homophobic'

I got no hatred you know... I got no hatred in that area. She goes:

"Well then, what was all that about?"

I don't know. It was just like a visual thing. It was just you know

She goes what are you talking about?
Well put it this way:

The first time I ever saw a porno, I was like 14 years old

I had no idea what 'doggy style' was

But the second I saw it my brain was just like:

"THAT IS THE SHIT! I WANNA FUCKING DO THAT"

"At some point in my life I want to convince a woman to do that with me"

My brain was like YES! My dick was up. Everything was in agreement

That this was a wonderful thing and I had no idea what it was

But at the same token if at any point during that porno

Somebody started like kissing somebody's feet

Or like sucking on their toes

It was just gross to me

But that doesn't mean I hate feet and
I don't want them in my neighbourhood

That just means I'm not into that shit

It's the same thing with the gay dudes

I have no hatred in my heart for gay people alright?

They're cool. They're funny

Generally speaking they're neat you know

I got a lot of positive things to say about them you know

They move to your neighbourhood, the property value goes up

Cause they make it FABULOUS! Right?

They can't reproduce so they're not making more

'In the way people', walking around looking up and shit

Yeah!

They're wonderful to the environment. God bless them

But how far does political correctness go

That I gotta look at some shit that's making my brain go like:

[...] Fucking look away! Right?

I'm suppose to overide that, start cheering on their relationship like:

"WOOOooo! Grab his ass!!!"

"Yeah! Run your fingers through his chest hair!"

Dude, it's ridiculous

You're gonna tell me some Gay guy never walked down the street

See two straight people just going at it?

And never just thought like:

"Oh God! Why would you? Just eugh!"

Had to like walk it off, eugh!

[...]

You can't help it. That's just how his brain is wired right?

He's just like 'pussy' = eugh!

And I'm like 'dick' = eugh"

But there's no hatred in that

I don't know. I just couldn't fucking explain it to this girl

She's like "Oh, you're homophobic"

It's like no [...] it's on the same level

You ever seen a big guy eating a sandwich, right?

And he gets a little mustard on the side of his face, right?

You fucking look away

But that doesn't mean you want him to choke on the sandwich and

You wanna get a bunch of friends

To beat the shit out of him for eating the sandwich, right?

Dude, whatever you put your mouth on is the most intimate thing ever, right?

There's no middle ground

It's either like 'YES' or 'FUCK THAT'

There's no middle...

"Hey, you know... BALLS! Right?"

And you just insert yourself into the situation like

When you watch a porno there's a guy and a girl

But you're not looking at the guy, even though he's right there

You're just looking at the girl

And you're just thinking yeah, that's what I would be doing to her right?

But if you took the girl out and there was just some guy

Just sitting there just 'dry humping'

You'd be like 'this shit is horrific', right?

So when I'm looking at 2 dudes kissing

It's like a stalemate. There's no place for me to insert myself into that situation

It is horrific right?

Does that mean I'm fucked up you know?

You know what I loved about that joke?

You guys got it after like the first example

Yet, I felt the need to give you 58 more examples

So...

Just gotta to get my shit together man, that's basically it

Started going back to therapy again. I just can't...

I just can't do therapy. I try

I start telling my stories, I start fucking laughing

And then the therapist is always looking at me like:

'I'm like come on man, it's kind of funny right?'

"Nah, nah. It's really horrific"

So he's really trying get me to bring the 'walls' down, so you know...

I finally one therapy session start getting a little emotional...

And then all of a sudden he goes:

"OK, OK, just breathe"

And in a second my brain is going:

'Oh, what a duche!', and I just immediately...

And the 'walls' just came back up again you know

I don't know. Maybe I'm just fighting it?

This is who the fuck I am. I like corvettes. You know?

Maybe I should just be this...

Just start making some more money, you know?

You never think about this shit? I don't how you guys stay married?

How the FUCK do you... do you do it?

I know you take the happy family photo

[...]

You're just sitting there, you know?

You never just think of that?

Just someday you know? Just...

Slamming the garage door on your head & put yourself in coma for a couple of...

Just all happy?

OK, evidently this is a happy crowd

I'm the only one who thinks this shit? Alright

I don't know

I like fucked up shit. I like it when crazy stuff happens. I like stuff in sports

I love watching sports. I love all that stuff like people cheating

Like with steroids, you know?

I am so 'pro-steroids' it's ridiculous. I couldn't give a shit

I could really give a shit. I don't know what Barry Bonds is doing

But whatever he's doing? I hope he keeps doing it

I hope he comes out as like one big chest muscle with like a bat sticking out

[...]

Just keeps cranking them over the fence, you know?

Who gives a fuck? Dude, people have been cheating since the beginning

Since I was watching baseball in the 70's. Half of them were on 'coke'

You don't think that that helped you see the ball better?

Like you're wired out of your mind

"Dude! I can see every stick! Come on! I'm gonna fucking bite it!"

12th inning, you're all fucking amped up

"This is the shit man!"

No, I love all that stuff

I like it when people fall out of the upper deck

When an athletes... punch people in the stands.

That's just like what entertainment is for me now

I like that 'Jimmy the Greek' moment that happens in sports, you know?

Like once every 4, 5 years some 50, 55 year old white dude

Tries to explain why Black people are kicking the shit out of
White people in practically every major sport, you know

And it always goes down the same way, right?

There's always like 3 white dudes and the one white dude in the middle

He's always like the guy with the theory, you know? He's like:

"So it seems like these African-American athletes"

"They seem to have this er... 'quick-twitch muscle fire"

"You know, there's this er... 'slow-twitch' and there's er... this 'quick-twitch'"

And the second the dude says that:

Like the other two white dudes start sliding out of frame like:

"This guy is getting fired and I'm not going to be part of this highlight.
Nice knowing you Ned. Keep that seat warm." Right?

And the dude in the middle

He's just like hell-bent on getting fired. You know he starts bringing up slavery:

"And evidently they would breed the strongest man
with the strongest woman and 'quick-twitch' blah blah blah"

And literally 20 minutes later that dude's on TV like fired, right?

He's crying, his family's there. He's got like a box of shit from his desk.
With like an Emmy sticking out. He's like:

"I didn't know what I said? I was just talking about the
'quick-twitch' and the 'slow-twitch'. I was just trying to make a point"

No, I love that. I love seeing people mess up their careers like that

It's just funny to me. Plus I gotta admit as a white dude

On some level, I have to believe in that theory

Cause are white dudes that bad at basketball?

I can't even watch the NBA anymore. Man, it's like every highlight:

The White dudes like that [...]
The Black dude like has his nuts in his face like "FUCKING BAM!!!"

I'm just sitting at home like:

'For the love of God tackle the guy!"

'Jesus Christ! Get out of the way!'

'Do you ever get tired of those two nuts flying over your head?'

'You know you're gonna be on !
Just get out of the way'

Dude, I'm telling you there's gotta be something to that theory

I was watching this show one time on runaway slaves

It was one of the most amazing programs I ever seen in my life

Dude, when you ran away as a slave,
you didn't just run to the end of the driveway and be like:

"Hey! Fuck that job. Just start walking down the street"

Dude, you had to run like through whole states

There's dogs chasing you. You're hurdling shit. You're swimming

Those were the first fucking Tri-Athletes

And there was nobody helping them out.
There was no dude on the side of the road like:

"Come on man! Two more states, you're in Ohio.
Suck it up, you're looking good. Looking good"

Yeah, you...

Dude, you are on your own. Is it any wonder..?

250-300 years of that shit and then
I'm going to D you up in Gym class? It ain't happening

I come from 100s of years of alcoholics

I got like half a liver, you know what I mean?

You know what's funny to me about that stuff?
You can't even like...

I obviously know that theory's crazy.
You can't even bring up

How well black people are doing in sports.
Everybody gets all weird about it

Which I don't understand cause it's like a compliment, you know?

Like feel how weird it is right now. I just brought that shit up...

I'm saying something good, right?

I saw a coach get in trouble for that shit

His team was like owing 6 or something. They just couldn't win

And every week the Press was just
getting on them more and more and more, right?

And the dude was just like flustered. He had like a moment of honesty

'Why can't you guys win a game?'

"Well, you know..."

"Well, the offense isn't getting it done. You know defense..."

"They're too slow. They just run out..."

"Telling you we got some more Black guys in this team! I'm telling ya..."

And immediately everyone was like:
"what? What? WHAT?"

Everyone started freaking out like
they had no idea what this dude was talking about?

It's like are you watching ?

Or did you see the Olympics like...

I love the 100 metre dash, right?

There's always like 9 Black dudes and
that one token White guy in like lane 8

I'm just sitting there going:

"Come on there man! One time! Just one time!
Just win the bronze. Just do what you gotta do"

The White dude's always stays with them till like the first turn

Then he fucking like blows out his hammy

Those other 8 Black dudes are like [PHhhhhhh!]

Where's that White dude the next Olympics?

He's like up in the broadcast booth.
His career is over. He's like a commentator

"Yeah, it's going to be a great race"

"Still can't feel my fucking toes, but I'm telling you..."

Nah, I don't get it

It's like a compliment. We're saying you're fast

That's a good thing, right?

People start all freaking out

"Y'all acting as if that's all we can do!
You're saying we can't be scientists"

No, we're not

All we're saying is if there was a race to the microscopes
you fuckers would win!

We're just saying...

That you're fast. You'd get there fast.
Your labcoat would be flapping in the wind

I'd get there 3 minutes later all cramped up

'What you looking at? Bacteria?
No, you go first. You just go first'

'Jesus Christ! That was a volvo!
The guy ran pass a Volvo in street shoes'

'I've never seen that before in my life'

No, I get into those arguments all the time

All the time

Friends of mine will be like, well how come any time a
Black athlete does something, they say it's an athletic move.

Any time a White athlete does it, they say its an intelligent move?

And it's like... well fair enough just...
depends on what you're doing. You know what I mean?

It's like if you read a defense, White or Black,
That's an intelligent move, right?

But if you take off from the foul lane

Jump over 9 other dudes and throw the shit down.
Those other 9 guys aren't standing there like:

"Fuck! Why didn't I think of that shit?"

"Here I am dribbling around guys"

"That's some superhero shit!"

"You should have cape flapping in the wind
with like a big 'S' on your chest"

I'm tell you man, that's the funny thing about Hitler

Just let me finish. Let me work my way

Let me work my way through this idea

That's like my favourite... my favourite...

Sports clip is that 'Jesse Owens' shit

I just love it because...

Their whole angle...

Was fucked up! He made Hitler leave like in the third quarter, right?

He's putting down his number one finger
just fucking walking out the stadium, "Jesus Christ!"

Their whole thing was like:

"We are going to create a superior RACE!"
[German accent]

It's like, 'Dude, I think we accidently already did that'

We sent a select group of people
to the gym every day for a couple of 100 years

It's paying dividends! They're fucking dunking on is every day

Dude, how quiet was that limo ride with Hitler?
You know what I'm saying?

You know he was talking crazy shit
when they were on the way there

They were all amped up:

"We are going to DOMINATE! SIEG HIEL!"
Just going off!

The whole ride home, they're just all sitting there, all quiet...

You're sitting next to an even angrier Adolf Hitler

Trying to make some sort of small talk like:

[...]

"It one nice day, isn't it? You know? Nice. Gut"
[German accent]

I got to admit I'm fascinated with Hitler. I am

Just how the fuck that guy ever came in power

Cause does he ever look like he's in a good mood?
In any of those clips?

Every one just "Raaa! Raaa! Raaa!"
Fucking hair's flapping around

There was nobody even in the beginning to be like:

"Dude, is it me or this guys..."

"This guys a little crazy huh? This guys kind of a spaz"

Total cock block.
You can't even have him around women or nothing

You know what it is? Crazy people can take over shit.
That's what it is

Like regular people we just never say shit.
You ever notice that?

Like you can be on a bus

30 decent people, one crazy dude can take over the whole bus, right?
Everybody's just sitting there...

Everything's great. Then one crazy dude

"Raaaaaaaa!!! Fuck it!!!" Just starts screaming

And the second that happens, all 30 people go...

"Oh my God!" He's against the wall

"Has he got hepatitus?"
Everybody's freaking out

It's like why doesn't everybody just pounce on the dude?

I think every regular person should just have
a chloroform rag right in their front shirt pocket

And the second in crazy shit happens

If you're behind it, its on you. You just pull it out. Take the guy down

Everybody jumps on him. You tie him up

Then you tattoo 'Possibly the next Hitler' across his forehead

You keep an eye on him, right?

No, but it's so hard...

It's just hard to speak up. That's the shit, you know?

Like I was in a 'Target' the other day, right?
Not bragging, you know?

I was

And I'm standing there with a buddy of mine. He's a bouncer

In this really like crazy bar. So he know's like these scumbags.
And it just so happens that one of them...

Just so happens to come walking through the 'Target'.
So my buddy goes to wave at him...

"Hey man, how it going?"

And rather than this guy being like,
"Hey, you know it going pretty good"

He just launches into this tirade about... like... immigrants

Right in the middle of 'Target'

"How's it going? I'll tell ya how's it going"

"These Goddamn Mexicans keep coming
to this country taking all the fucking jobs!"

Immediately everybody in line like:

"OOOooo! M&Ms let's read the back of these for a while"

"Wow! Look at that glucose. Is he still there? I'm not looking."

"I looked last time. It's your turn to look.
I am not looking. You just look"

This guy was going off. Nobody did shit. Including me

I wasn't looking at the guy. Even people who worked at target...
They just kept ringing stuff up like:

"OOOooo! 3 socks for a dollar. That's amazing.
Don't you think it's going to rain? FUCK!"

It was a classic chloroform moment

This guy, he was doing a fucking Hitler 'open-mic', you know?

He was just going off!

He was learning how to put thoughts together, right?
How to speak in front of groups...

Somebody should have just came up and

[...]

Threw some skittles on the ground. You take him out. That's it

It's over

But nobody did shit. You knew that was like one guy working at 'Target'.
Like some crazy dude peaking out from the back like:

"I like this guy. This guys making a lot of sense", right?

And he follows him out to the parking lot. They jump in his El Camino.
Now's there's two of them right?

I don't know. I'm into conspiracy theory man. That's my thing

You guys into that shit? You read that stuff? I do

I think fast food is like a conspiracy, you know?

I think that's how they just keep us dumb. You
can't even think after a while. You ever notice that shit?

Have you ever had your whole day planned out,
Eat one Egg McMuffin and you're just on the couch

"Ahhh you know what? Fuck my dreams!"

"I'm just gonna lay here for a while.
Gonna stretch out have a good time"

It's unbelievable

Healthy food you can't even smell it

You have a bag of apples right in front of my face.
My eyes are closed, I can't smell it

200 miles away:

"Oh Fuck! Is that KFC? Hey you wanna get some chicken?"

Go there and you get a bucket of it

I'm telling you, you never notice that? Whenever the government
fucks up, all of a sudden McDonalds has like a new sandwich, you know?

You just sitting there, screaming at your TV:

"How can they pardon all these CEOs?"

"New McRib! Oh! I'm gonna fucking try it"

Shove it down your face

So anyways, yes I have a lot of fucked up thoughts man. I do

This is the most recent one I had

You ever drive down the street and
see like 30 people up on a sidewalk and you just think...

[...]

Right?

You don't do it. You just think it

That's what separates the 'psychos' from the 'functioning psychos', right?

Psychos think 'fuck it', they do it

[...]

They get the wipers going. They make a day out of it, right?

But as a 'functioning psycho', not only do you not do it

You actually analyse it like:

"Man, if I leave my hand right here. Nobody knows who I am...
I move it 2 degrees over here"

"I'm on the cover of 'Newsweek'. I am instantly famous", right?

"Right here, nobody knows me. Just a regular jackass like:"

"Hey Bill, wanna come to the cook out, you know?"

"Maybe you can bring that potato salad that such a big hit last year?"

'One of the most horrific scenes we've seen in years'

'Bodies just strewn about'

"You should really go there"

"Amy's going to be there. Maybe you can
strike up a conversation? Maybe hook-up with her?"

'No indication he even tried to stop'

I have those thoughts all the time

Like recently my girl took me to a street fair, right?

You guys ever been to a street fair?

You know they close off the block... There's like shwarma

There's like shit made out of buttons, right?

People with no teeth are making key chains, you know?

It's a typical girlfriend idea. It sucks

And its going to take all Saturday, right?

Right?

She's like all excited. She's like swinging my arm like:

"Oh my God! This is going to be fucking great, right?"

I'm like praying for lightning

Some sort of scaffolding to fall down on my head, you know?

So she she comes up, first place she comes up to

Is this big table with nothing but homemade jewellery, right?

Homemade jewellery OK! It's got twigs in it, macaroni

IT'S SHIT! IT IS A TABLE OF SHIT! RIGHT?

But she loves it. She's like:

"Oh my God! That stuff is so funky, right?". She like trying on the earings

"Do you like these? Do you think these are nice?"

I want to be like, 'NOOOooo!!!'

'If they were nice, there'd be in a store!'

'There'd be a roof. Some sort of structure would be built around this'

'THIS IS SHIT! THIS IS A TABLE OF SHIT! RIGHT?'

Oh it's brutal

It's brutal, right? But...

But I don't want to be a dick, so I'm like:

'No, honey that's great. You know what? I'm going to get some air, OK?'

'Even though, we're outside. I think there's more air to be had...'

No, because I felt it. I was gonna snap

I literally walked about 2, 3 tables away

And there was this lady standing there with this big table with nothing but muffins

Homemade muffins! It's like 85 degrees out

She's standing there, with this big table with nothing but muffins

She's got this big stupid 'Hey! Look at the muffins I made' look on her face

And the second I saw that shit, that part of my brain was just like:

"Dude, what would happen if you just came up to her and just said:"

'Hey lady, are these your muffins?

'Oh yeah?' And just started going fucking:

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Like how many of these muffins could I mush...

Before anybody did anything?

I mean realistically I think I could have got the whole table

Cause even if you saw me doing that shit

It would take at least 5 to 6 seconds to process like:

"Did he say he could do that? Is it...

"Is it like a game? Do you eat the muffin off your fist?"

"It just seems like a waste of pastry"

You know there's no security for shit like that. There's no dude standing there:

'He's mushing the muffins. OK I'm on it.'

'Sir! We're going to have to ask you to leave!' and they just choke me out

So I just started thinking of the horrified, fucked up look on this lady's face

As I started slamming these muffins

And out of no where, I just started laughing like a maniac

I'm like slumped this fried dough cart. I'm dying!

My girl looks at me, she's like:

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

And like an idiot, I actually tried to explain this fucked up thought to her

Like she was gonna get it on some level. I'm just sitting there like:

'I was just thinking, what if I started punching the muffins'

'You know what I mean? I just started punching them'

She's just looking at me like:

"Why do I go out with you?"

No, but I swear to God, if I never broke eye contact

The second I started hitting those things

That girl wouldn't even have been able to call for help

I would have been in her head. It would have been too personal. She'd be like:

"Did I go to high school with this guy? Why would you do that?

"Muffins are a happy food, I don't understand it"

Alright listen, I'm out of time. You guys are so much fun

Thank you so much for coming out

I really appreciate it thank you

Thank you so much

Thank you, thank you