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♪ Men, men, men, men ♪
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♪ Men, men, men,
men, men, men, men. ♪
3
00:00:07,304 --> 00:00:08,303
Hello.
4
00:00:08,305 --> 00:00:10,589
I'm Charlie's brother Alan.
5
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I want to thank you all
for coming.
6
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I know this is
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a very sad day
for all of us.
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Speak for yourself.
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Okay.
10
00:00:20,317 --> 00:00:25,854
Uh, I understand that some of
you have "mixed feelings."
11
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Um... but I think
we can all agree
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that Charlie lived life
to its fullest
13
00:00:31,862 --> 00:00:34,062
and-and gave it
everything he had.
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Gave me herpes.
15
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Chlamydia.
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Vaginal warts.
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Excuse me, this is my dead
son we're talking about.
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I loved him and I'm
devastated that he's gone,
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leaving me with nothing but
my memories and my regrets
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00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:55,467
and the listing for his
beautiful beachfront
21
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Malibu getaway
with three bedrooms
22
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and three and
a half baths
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and a beautiful
panoramic ocean view.
24
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Help yourselves to brochures
out by the coffee urn.
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Thank you, Mom.
26
00:01:08,815 --> 00:01:10,231
Um, anyway...
27
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Open house is Sunday,
1:00 to 5:00.
28
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Okay.
29
00:01:16,439 --> 00:01:20,825
Um, I'd like to take a moment
to talk about my brother,
30
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um, and his incredible love
for life.
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He also loved being spanked.
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While wearing
my panties.
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He used my panties to make tea.
34
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M-My point is, um, that Charlie
lived life on his own terms
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and-and never apologized
for who he was.
36
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Yeah, blah,
blah, blah.
37
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Why can't we
see the body?
38
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Yeah, I didn't come all this way
to spit on a closed coffin.
39
00:01:52,192 --> 00:01:54,142
Okay, I understand how you feel,
40
00:01:54,144 --> 00:01:57,412
but unfortunately due to the
circumstances of his passing,
41
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the remains aren't exactly...
spit-able.
42
00:02:01,334 --> 00:02:03,835
I have a question.
43
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O-Okay.
44
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Uh, I wasn't planning on
doing a Q and A,
45
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uh, but go ahead.
46
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Thank you.
47
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Charlie owes me $38,000
for some,
48
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let's say, pharmaceuticals.
49
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Who do I talk to about that?
50
00:02:19,102 --> 00:02:21,603
Uh, well, I think
that's something
51
00:02:21,605 --> 00:02:23,271
you'll have to discuss
with the lawyers.
52
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:24,305
Yeah.
53
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I'd rather not involve the law.
54
00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:31,062
And now, uh, I thought
we'd take this moment
55
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to hear from the person who was
with Charlie at the end.
56
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Thank you, Alan.
57
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Charlie Harper was
the love of my life
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and a wonderful, wonderful man.
59
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Selfish pig.
60
00:02:56,555 --> 00:03:00,141
Sure, our relationship had
its ups and downs
61
00:03:00,143 --> 00:03:02,260
and the occasional
restraining order.
62
00:03:02,262 --> 00:03:03,812
But at the end,
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00:03:03,814 --> 00:03:08,917
we ran away together to Paris,
where he asked me to marry him.
64
00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:10,785
I said yes.
65
00:03:10,787 --> 00:03:14,656
And the next few days
were the happiest of my life.
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Nothing could spoil it.
67
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,243
Not even when I came home
from shopping
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00:03:18,245 --> 00:03:21,012
and found him taking a shower
with another woman.
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That's our Charlie.
70
00:03:26,735 --> 00:03:29,237
But I forgave him
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00:03:29,239 --> 00:03:32,474
because I loved him
unconditionally.
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00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:36,077
So you can imagine my horror
when, the very next day,
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he slipped on the Metro platform
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and fell in front of
an oncoming train.
75
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,968
Never cross a
crazy woman.
76
00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:48,273
I just want you all to know
that Charlie didn't suffer.
77
00:03:48,275 --> 00:03:52,627
His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.
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00:03:53,762 --> 00:03:56,381
Thank you.
79
00:04:00,703 --> 00:04:01,903
I'm hungry.
80
00:04:01,905 --> 00:04:04,272
Anyone else hungry?
81
00:04:04,274 --> 00:04:07,108
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
82
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪
83
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♪ Two and a Half Men 9x01 ♪
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Original Air Date on September 19, 2010
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
85
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♪ Men. ♪
86
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Charlie was the best boss
I ever had.
87
00:04:19,328 --> 00:04:23,063
I needed a day off,
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
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I needed a couple
89
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extra bucks,
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00:04:25,768 --> 00:04:28,302
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
91
00:04:28,304 --> 00:04:31,222
All he ever asked in return
was clean sheets
92
00:04:31,224 --> 00:04:35,643
and hosing the vomit off the
occasional drug-addled hooker.
93
00:04:39,181 --> 00:04:40,831
What a beautiful story.
94
00:04:42,017 --> 00:04:44,735
Can I count on you to keep
the house clean till I sell it?
95
00:04:44,737 --> 00:04:46,887
Can I count on you
to keep paying me?
96
00:04:46,889 --> 00:04:49,456
Well, there's virtually no money
in Charlie's estate,
97
00:04:49,458 --> 00:04:51,909
but I'll be happy to pay you
once the house sells.
98
00:04:51,911 --> 00:04:53,961
Then that's when I'll clean it.
99
00:04:54,863 --> 00:04:56,614
I still don't see
why we have to sell.
100
00:04:56,616 --> 00:04:57,898
I mean, he left it to me.
101
00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,233
Obviously, he wanted me
to have it.
102
00:04:59,235 --> 00:05:00,518
Can you make
the mortgage payments?
103
00:05:00,543 --> 00:05:01,436
No.
104
00:05:01,437 --> 00:05:03,237
Can you pay the property tax?
105
00:05:03,239 --> 00:05:05,405
Not per se.
106
00:05:05,407 --> 00:05:07,458
But I was kind of hoping
you'd help out.
107
00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:10,177
I mean, after all, your grandson
lives here part-time.
108
00:05:14,099 --> 00:05:16,767
Good job raising him.
109
00:05:16,769 --> 00:05:20,771
Uh, darling, I can't afford
to maintain my house
110
00:05:20,773 --> 00:05:22,723
and your house
at the same time.
111
00:05:22,725 --> 00:05:24,308
But you're my mommy.
112
00:05:24,310 --> 00:05:27,895
Good job raising him.
113
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Once I sell this place,
you can come live with me.
114
00:05:32,151 --> 00:05:33,433
But why would I have to?
115
00:05:33,435 --> 00:05:35,486
I mean, won't I get
a lot of money from the sale?
116
00:05:35,488 --> 00:05:38,789
Oh, please. Charlie had
three mortgages on this place.
117
00:05:38,791 --> 00:05:41,408
Once we deduct closing costs
and escrow fees
118
00:05:41,410 --> 00:05:43,627
and my commission,
you'll be lucky to break even.
119
00:05:43,629 --> 00:05:45,579
Wait a minute, you're planning
to take a commission?
120
00:05:45,581 --> 00:05:46,747
She doesn't work for free.
121
00:05:46,749 --> 00:05:48,215
Why should I?
122
00:05:51,386 --> 00:05:55,589
Don't think those silent ones
are fooling anybody.
123
00:05:55,591 --> 00:05:56,840
♪ Men. ♪
124
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Hi. I'm here
for the open house.
125
00:06:01,564 --> 00:06:02,980
Of course. Come right in.
126
00:06:02,982 --> 00:06:04,265
Thank you.
127
00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:07,134
Three bedrooms,
three and a half baths,
128
00:06:07,136 --> 00:06:09,820
60 feet of prime
Malibu oceanfront.
129
00:06:09,822 --> 00:06:12,072
Wait a minute, I
know this place.
130
00:06:12,074 --> 00:06:13,524
This is Charlie Harper's place,
right?
131
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It was.
132
00:06:14,493 --> 00:06:15,609
Then I can't buy it.
133
00:06:15,611 --> 00:06:17,278
Uh...
134
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,262
What? Why?
135
00:06:18,264 --> 00:06:19,446
Bad memories.
136
00:06:19,448 --> 00:06:20,748
Charlie and I had this
137
00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:23,483
drunken threesome with a crazy
chick right on this couch.
138
00:06:23,485 --> 00:06:25,002
Sounds like a good memory.
139
00:06:25,004 --> 00:06:27,121
Yeah, well,
unfortunately she passed out
140
00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:29,273
and Charlie and I
kept going without her.
141
00:06:30,592 --> 00:06:32,492
Bad memory.
142
00:06:33,278 --> 00:06:36,263
Oh, the feng shui is great.
143
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:39,283
I mean, the place just
oozes positive energy.
144
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,138
It's not practical.
145
00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:46,106
The commute downtown
would kill me.
146
00:06:46,108 --> 00:06:47,441
Don't worry, sweetie.
147
00:06:47,443 --> 00:06:48,726
Just let the universe provide.
148
00:06:48,728 --> 00:06:50,677
The universe doesn't provide,
I provide.
149
00:06:50,679 --> 00:06:52,963
I bust my ass 80 hours a week.
150
00:06:52,965 --> 00:06:54,365
Uh-oh.
151
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:57,034
Sounds like somebody
needs to meditate.
152
00:06:57,036 --> 00:06:58,152
Uh-oh.
153
00:06:58,154 --> 00:07:00,454
Sounds like somebody needs
to file for divorce.
154
00:07:00,456 --> 00:07:01,622
Really?
155
00:07:01,624 --> 00:07:03,023
You want to play that card?
156
00:07:03,025 --> 00:07:05,525
'Cause I will take you and
your uptight bourgeois family
157
00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:07,745
for every penny you've got.
158
00:07:07,747 --> 00:07:08,962
Bye-bye!
159
00:07:11,466 --> 00:07:13,717
Bye-bye!
160
00:07:16,521 --> 00:07:18,222
What a fun couple.
161
00:07:19,808 --> 00:07:21,041
♪ Men. ♪
162
00:07:22,428 --> 00:07:24,878
Sorry, the open
house is over.
163
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,648
I got a package
for Alan Harper.
164
00:07:27,650 --> 00:07:28,882
Oh, uh, that's me.
165
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Sign here.
166
00:07:29,735 --> 00:07:31,935
Ooh, how exciting.
167
00:07:33,738 --> 00:07:34,888
Wonder what it is.
168
00:07:34,890 --> 00:07:37,074
It's from a crematorium,
169
00:07:37,076 --> 00:07:39,443
so that kind of
narrows it down.
170
00:07:39,445 --> 00:07:42,696
That's, uh,
that's my brother.
171
00:07:42,698 --> 00:07:46,166
Berta,
Charlie's here!
172
00:07:46,168 --> 00:07:47,501
Thank you.
173
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Enjoy.
174
00:08:19,984 --> 00:08:22,035
Well...
175
00:08:22,037 --> 00:08:24,104
here we are, buddy.
176
00:08:25,907 --> 00:08:28,392
Just like old times, huh?
177
00:08:28,394 --> 00:08:31,628
I'm talking and you're
in a bottle ignoring me.
178
00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:41,288
I, uh, I wanted to tell you,
uh, that I loved you,
179
00:08:41,290 --> 00:08:44,791
and I will miss you,
180
00:08:44,793 --> 00:08:50,264
and I will always be grateful
for you taking Jake and me in,
181
00:08:50,266 --> 00:08:53,417
letting us live here
all these years.
182
00:08:55,270 --> 00:08:59,306
So, now the question is...
183
00:08:59,308 --> 00:09:01,825
what do we do with you?
184
00:09:01,827 --> 00:09:05,329
I know what you said
you wanted, but...
185
00:09:05,331 --> 00:09:07,448
I really don't think
Pamela Anderson will agree
186
00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:09,649
to swallow your ashes.
187
00:09:12,370 --> 00:09:15,622
Um, I-I could take you with me
to live at Mom's,
188
00:09:15,624 --> 00:09:18,392
but that's how
horror movies start.
189
00:09:21,963 --> 00:09:23,847
Hey.
190
00:09:23,849 --> 00:09:27,017
Maybe I could sprinkle you
on the beach.
191
00:09:27,019 --> 00:09:29,503
I mean, it's simple,
it's dignified,
192
00:09:29,505 --> 00:09:31,355
and pretty girls
covered with oil
193
00:09:31,357 --> 00:09:34,858
will be sitting on you all day.
194
00:09:34,860 --> 00:09:37,027
Kind of like your life.
195
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,031
Except for the dignified part.
196
00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:46,353
All right.
197
00:09:47,873 --> 00:09:50,040
Well...
198
00:09:53,028 --> 00:09:56,213
I guess now is
as good a time as any.
199
00:10:09,344 --> 00:10:10,928
I ain't cleaning him up.
200
00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:13,180
♪ Men. ♪
201
00:10:15,430 --> 00:10:16,863
♪ Men. ♪
202
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,234
Can I use your phone?
203
00:10:19,236 --> 00:10:20,485
Sure.
204
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,736
I guess.
205
00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:24,339
Are you okay?
206
00:10:24,341 --> 00:10:25,724
Yeah, I'm fine.
207
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:28,426
I was just trying
to drown myself.
208
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,562
Wait, you-you tried
to commit suicide?
209
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:34,432
Yeah. But I had no idea that
the water would be that cold.
210
00:10:35,851 --> 00:10:37,152
Suppose I could've
worn a wet suit,
211
00:10:37,154 --> 00:10:39,554
but who tries to commit suicide
in a wet suit, right?
212
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:41,907
That phone right there?
213
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:42,941
Oh, yeah, yeah.
214
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,160
Thank you.
215
00:10:45,162 --> 00:10:46,912
Uh, you got a towel?
216
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,313
Oh, sure.
217
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,648
Thanks.
218
00:10:54,486 --> 00:10:56,671
Hi. It's me.
219
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:01,009
I want you to know that I just
flung myself in the ocean
220
00:11:01,011 --> 00:11:03,211
'cause I can't live without you.
221
00:11:04,513 --> 00:11:07,716
No, I'm not calling you
from the ocean.
222
00:11:08,684 --> 00:11:10,835
Because it was cold.
223
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,355
I don't...
I'm in some guy's house.
224
00:11:13,357 --> 00:11:14,672
Um, Alan Harper.
225
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,025
I am in Alan
Harper's house.
226
00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:20,312
How about it?
Will you take me back?
227
00:11:20,314 --> 00:11:23,114
Are you sure?
228
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:26,284
You heard what I said
about the ocean, right?
229
00:11:28,404 --> 00:11:30,538
Okay, fine.
I'll stop bothering you.
230
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:33,992
But I want you to know that I
will love you forever and ever.
231
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,127
Really?
232
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,612
That bothers you?
233
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,584
Okay. Bye.
234
00:11:44,536 --> 00:11:46,137
You got a wet suit?
235
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:48,757
Oh, come on.
It... it can't be that bad.
236
00:11:48,759 --> 00:11:50,775
It could be.
You don't know.
237
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,544
No, no, I do.
238
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,230
Come on. Come on.
Sit down. Sit down.
239
00:11:55,232 --> 00:11:57,015
Listen.
240
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,734
I have been
where you are--
241
00:11:59,736 --> 00:12:02,570
uh, rejected,
friendless, broke.
242
00:12:02,572 --> 00:12:03,772
I'm not broke.
243
00:12:03,774 --> 00:12:05,556
I'm worth, like,
a billion dollars.
244
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,443
Beg pardon?
245
00:12:08,445 --> 00:12:12,063
1.3 is what her lawyer says,
but I would give up every penny
246
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,948
if she would take me back.
247
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:17,419
No, no, no.
You don't want to do that.
248
00:12:17,421 --> 00:12:21,589
Uh... I think you can find a lot
of girls for way less money.
249
00:12:21,591 --> 00:12:22,924
I don't want other girls.
250
00:12:22,926 --> 00:12:24,242
I want Bridget.
251
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,910
Right. Right.
252
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,679
Um, just to clarify, um,
253
00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:31,132
did you say "billion"
with a "buh?"
254
00:12:32,302 --> 00:12:33,802
Listen, trust me.
255
00:12:33,804 --> 00:12:35,804
Money does not
buy happiness.
256
00:12:35,806 --> 00:12:38,656
I wouldn't know.
I've never had either.
257
00:12:39,475 --> 00:12:41,393
Come on.
You're doing all right.
258
00:12:41,395 --> 00:12:43,395
You're living in
a beach house in Malibu.
259
00:12:43,397 --> 00:12:44,479
I have to sell it.
260
00:12:44,481 --> 00:12:46,181
And it's not even mine;
it's his.
261
00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:50,402
His?
262
00:12:50,404 --> 00:12:52,320
That's my dead brother.
263
00:12:52,322 --> 00:12:53,738
Oh.
264
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,408
I'm sorry I made you spill him.
265
00:12:56,410 --> 00:12:57,959
That's okay. That's okay.
266
00:12:57,961 --> 00:12:59,777
I'll DustBust him later.
267
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,162
You know what?
268
00:13:01,164 --> 00:13:02,464
I'll get out of your way.
269
00:13:02,466 --> 00:13:04,132
Thank you for letting me
use your phone.
270
00:13:04,134 --> 00:13:06,000
Wait, hang on.
You sure you're okay?
271
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,720
Yeah. I'm just going to go back
to my hotel room
272
00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:11,673
and update my Facebook status
to "not dead yet."
273
00:13:11,675 --> 00:13:13,842
Wait, wait, wait. I...
I just went to one funeral.
274
00:13:13,844 --> 00:13:15,810
I-I don't want to be involved
in another one.
275
00:13:15,812 --> 00:13:19,931
Why don't you and I go out
and have a drink and talk?
276
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,966
About what?
277
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,468
Oh, I don't know.
278
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,969
The weather, politics.
279
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,905
Why somebody would want
to kill themselves
280
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,441
when they have
a billion freaking dollars.
281
00:13:29,443 --> 00:13:31,359
Come on.
282
00:13:31,361 --> 00:13:34,145
We'll, uh, put your clothes
in the dryer.
283
00:13:34,997 --> 00:13:36,314
All right.
284
00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,584
Oh, by the way...
285
00:13:40,419 --> 00:13:42,871
I'm Walden.
Walden Schmidt.
286
00:13:42,873 --> 00:13:44,923
Well, it's nice to meet
you, Walden Schmidt.
287
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,258
Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose
there's no reason
288
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,794
you can't undress right
here in the living room.
289
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,296
Oh, Skivvies coming off, too.
290
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,848
Okay. Okay, well, uh,
no body issues.
291
00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:56,017
Lucky you. That's...
292
00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:58,336
You're a good guy,
Alan Harper.
293
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,171
Oh, and he's a
hugger as well.
294
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,773
Okeydokey.
295
00:14:01,775 --> 00:14:03,942
I'll be right back.
296
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,513
$1.3 billion,
297
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,733
and he's hung like an elephant.
298
00:14:11,735 --> 00:14:14,352
♪ Men. ♪
299
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,371
Uh, I will have
an appletini.
300
00:14:16,373 --> 00:14:18,206
Uh, and, um...?
301
00:14:18,208 --> 00:14:20,909
Oh, uh, ginger
ale, please.
302
00:14:20,911 --> 00:14:22,494
Really?
303
00:14:22,496 --> 00:14:23,878
Fresh off
a suicide attempt,
304
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,413
and you're ordering
a ginger ale?
305
00:14:25,415 --> 00:14:28,032
Yeah. I don't like
the taste of alcohol.
306
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,667
Nobody likes
the taste of alcohol.
307
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,669
We like the effects
of alcohol.
308
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,539
How it makes you feel tall,
good-looking and smart.
309
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,392
I am tall, good-looking
and smart.
310
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,214
Give him an appletini.
311
00:14:44,266 --> 00:14:46,768
So, just out of curiosity,
312
00:14:46,770 --> 00:14:49,988
how does someone get
to be worth so much money?
313
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:52,190
Oh, it's pretty
simple, really.
314
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:54,225
You ever hear of
Blungogo.com?
315
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,493
No.
316
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,727
And you never will,
317
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,446
because Microsoft
bought it from me
318
00:14:58,448 --> 00:15:01,783
for $1.3 billion, and
then they bundled it
319
00:15:01,785 --> 00:15:04,419
with their iPod
killer, the Zune.
320
00:15:06,288 --> 00:15:07,939
Really?
321
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,008
I don't think it
came with my Zune.
322
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,277
You bought a Zune?
323
00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:14,913
I had a coupon.
324
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,080
Cheers?
325
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,799
Oh. Cheers.
326
00:15:23,105 --> 00:15:26,724
So, don't take this
the wrong way,
327
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:30,545
but I can't get the image
of your penis out of my mind.
328
00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:35,450
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
329
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:39,120
♪ Men. ♪
330
00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:41,906
You don't understand.
331
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:44,775
Bridget was my
high school sweetheart.
332
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,412
She was the love
of my life.
333
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:48,830
So why'd she leave you?
334
00:15:48,832 --> 00:15:50,381
She catch you
with another woman?
335
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,283
- No.
- Sex no good?
336
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,468
No, it was great.
337
00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:54,752
Are you sure?
338
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,221
'Cause sometimes they'll
tell you it's good,
339
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:57,455
and then you
find out later
340
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,057
they hated
the very touch of you.
341
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:04,646
Happened to a guy I know.
342
00:16:04,648 --> 00:16:10,318
Well, she said that I was
emotionally immature.
343
00:16:11,153 --> 00:16:12,487
You mean like
threatening suicide
344
00:16:12,489 --> 00:16:14,105
unless she
takes you back?
345
00:16:14,990 --> 00:16:17,642
That is not immature;
that's romantic.
346
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,645
Shut up.
347
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,864
Well, regardless, I-I know
what you're going through.
348
00:16:22,866 --> 00:16:24,815
I mean, I married
my college sweetheart,
349
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,984
and when she divorced me,
I was devastated.
350
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,319
Why did she leave you?
351
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,172
Not a clue.
She's a crazy bitch.
352
00:16:31,174 --> 00:16:34,509
The point is,
when life serves you
353
00:16:34,511 --> 00:16:36,994
ball breakers
who rip your heart out,
354
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,181
you have to make...
355
00:16:40,183 --> 00:16:42,600
ball breaker-ade.
356
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,835
Bridget never
broke my balls.
357
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,221
If anything,
she treated them
358
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:49,840
with tenderness
and respect.
359
00:16:50,726 --> 00:16:52,843
Okay. Okay,
just for tonight,
360
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,562
will you... will you
forget about Bridget
361
00:16:54,564 --> 00:16:56,347
and-and just try
to meet somebody new?
362
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,982
Like who?
363
00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,784
I don't know.
364
00:17:01,070 --> 00:17:03,621
How about...
how about her?
365
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,073
Really?
366
00:17:05,075 --> 00:17:06,491
What would I say?
367
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:11,162
Uh, well, I would not lead
with the testicle anecdote.
368
00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:15,049
Just... just say hi.
369
00:17:15,051 --> 00:17:17,001
Okay.
370
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,720
Hi.
371
00:17:18,722 --> 00:17:20,171
Hi.
372
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:23,224
- I'm Walden.
- Kelly.
373
00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:31,649
So, Kelly...
374
00:17:37,106 --> 00:17:42,727
My... wife dumped me,
and I want to die.
375
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:46,848
Oh, you poor baby.
376
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:52,837
I love her so much.
377
00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:55,673
I... I don't...
378
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,959
Whew! I don't know...
379
00:17:57,961 --> 00:18:00,928
if I can ever
love anyone
380
00:18:00,930 --> 00:18:03,431
the way
that I love her.
381
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,887
That's the most beautiful thing
that I've ever heard.
382
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:14,759
Oh, it'll be okay.
383
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:28,206
Oh, God, I miss my wife!
384
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,241
♪ Men. ♪
385
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,127
Here is where I live.
386
00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:34,445
Oh.
387
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,913
Nice.
388
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,733
Just me and my broken heart.
389
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:42,887
Alan, I... I think
I should go back to my hotel.
390
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,389
Are you nuts?
391
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:45,890
We're doing great.
392
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,760
This crap about loving
our exes is gold.
393
00:18:48,762 --> 00:18:50,561
My brother
would be so proud.
394
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:53,431
What, the dude in
the DustBuster?
395
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,149
Yeah.
396
00:18:55,151 --> 00:18:58,302
Ah. Uh, ladies, uh,
who's up for a libation?
397
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,654
- A what?
- Huh?
398
00:18:59,656 --> 00:19:01,656
A... a drink-- alcohol.
399
00:19:01,658 --> 00:19:03,274
- Sure.
- Great.
400
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,827
Oh. Be right back.
401
00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:13,501
What's upstairs?
402
00:19:13,503 --> 00:19:15,986
I don't know.
Probably a bedroom.
403
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:18,423
Why don't we
go find out?
404
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,024
Uh... okay.
405
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,994
Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan
where we're going?
406
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,847
No.
No.
407
00:19:27,850 --> 00:19:30,000
Who's ready for margaritas?
408
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,169
Wow!
409
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,690
One at a time, ladies!
One at a time.
410
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,344
Well, this is depressingly
familiar.
411
00:19:42,531 --> 00:19:44,198
Shut up.
412
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,200
♪ Men. ♪
413
00:19:48,115 --> 00:19:49,348
♪ Men. ♪
414
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,832
Morning.
415
00:19:55,169 --> 00:19:57,170
Oh, good golly.
416
00:19:58,005 --> 00:19:59,506
Oh, uh, I'm Walden.
417
00:19:59,508 --> 00:20:02,342
I'm impressed.
418
00:20:05,179 --> 00:20:06,613
Oh. Alan.
419
00:20:08,799 --> 00:20:10,050
Guess what.
420
00:20:10,052 --> 00:20:12,752
I had sex with two girls
last night.
421
00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:17,190
Great. Um, I masturbated
and cried myself to sleep.
422
00:20:18,059 --> 00:20:19,693
I like my night better.
423
00:20:20,611 --> 00:20:21,861
Oh, hey.
424
00:20:21,863 --> 00:20:24,097
I dig your house,
so I'm going to buy it, okay?
425
00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:25,615
Oh, okay.
426
00:20:25,617 --> 00:20:27,150
Thanks.
427
00:20:27,152 --> 00:20:28,234
You're the best.
428
00:20:28,236 --> 00:20:31,071
Oh... ah.
429
00:20:31,073 --> 00:20:33,039
Whoa.
430
00:20:38,913 --> 00:20:41,064
Um, this is Walden.
431
00:20:42,216 --> 00:20:45,001
He's going to
buy the house.
432
00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:47,954
Welcome
to my humble abode.
433
00:20:53,928 --> 00:20:56,096
I like him.
434
00:20:56,098 --> 00:21:00,098
== sync, corrected by elderman ==29680
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