Original subtitles

[rock riff plays]

Mom? What are you doing here?

Is this about the clocks? Fine. Last night I turned them all back

so I wouldn't get busted for staying out past curfew,

but I never changed them back, and now we're living in the past.

Hi, Lele, good to see you.

Thanks for the unnecessary low-stakes confession.

Sit down. I have news.

Hang on. Hang on.

What time is it? Do I take my pills now or not?

-You took it at breakfast. -That was yesterday.

-Oh no, did we have breakfast today? -Yeah, you had toast.

On a Tuesday? That doesn't sound like me.

Just tell me. This could go on forever.

So, your dad was offered his dream job.

He's on his way to Skywalker Ranch to shadow George Lucas

and write a book about the making of the new Star Wars movies.

-What? -I know. It happened really fast.

He got the call, packed his bag, and said goodbye to me in Wookiee.

I knew what I was getting into.

Skywalker Ranch? Is that in space?

Well, his tummy could never handle that.

No. It's in California. Did you think he was gonna live in space?

Well, I didn't think he was gonna live in Chicago

until you came along and took him away.

So now, I ask.

Mom, do not say we're moving to California.

They don't have basements there. How am I gonna make any friends?

That's one option.

Or you and I stay in Chicago, and your dad visits as much as he can.

Or he could get a job

that's not embarrassing for me to talk about at the barbershop.

Or... and don't get too excited... you move here for the school year.

[both cheering and shouting]

And I go back and forth between you, your dad, and my work

'cause I'm part of this equation too.

Mom, I get that.

But you know how you always say you'd do anything for me? Prove it.

I know how much you want this. But there's a lot we need to figure out.

Where we'll live. Where you're going to school.

Point Place. Point Place High. Why are we still talking?

Hang on.

The only reason I allow this house to be full of dumbasses every summer

is because I know when it's going to end.

Now, don't make it a life sentence.

Oh, don't listen to him. He doesn't even know if he took his pills.

You force me into this, I'll take all the pills.

You could have just said no.

I'm flying out tomorrow to get your dad settled.

I wanna make a decision before I go.

All right? I just... I have to consider all the pros and cons.

Donna. Donna.

I found your old high school gym shirt.

I made an appointment at Penney's to redo our family pics.

I hope you can still fit on my lap.

Dad, that is incredibly weird.

Come on. If you lived here, we could do stuff like this all the time.

If you end up in California, take me with you.

[theme music playing]

♪ Hanging out down the street ♪

♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ But talk to you ♪

♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

There's a chance you're staying for the whole year?

Bro, are you hearing this?

Yeah, that's awesome.

Nate, he's talking to his dong.

Me too.

I am so happy for you.

Can you three please focus? We have one day to make this happen.

It's gonna be hard to convince my mom to move back here.

Is it because of that deer that keeps chasing people into the lake?

You should've been there when it got Gwen. She runs like Kermit.

[shouting like Kermit]

[laughing]

I hope you enjoyed telling everyone that because now I'll ruin your life.

[imitating Kermit] Oh no!

[both laughing]

Leia, I need you here. You've got to talk your mom into it.

It's complicated.

As soon as she got back, she was reminded of the reasons she left.

Well, we gotta get rid of all that noise so you have a chance when you talk to her.

There's one more thing, and I probably should've led with this.

My grandpa Red has already said no.

Well, I can talk to Red.

He really respects me.

Cool. I'll talk to Red... and see if I can get a yes out of him.

Jay and I will deal with your grandma.

That leaves us with Bob, who's been lonely, which is sad,

but right now he's nothing but a loose-lipped,

curly-haired pain in my ass.

Sounds like Bob could benefit from my men's support group.

Hey, what do you need that for? I support the hell out of you, bro.

You do.

But I was shooting hoops at the rec center and found this room with donuts in it.

And I thought, "How could this get any better?"

All of a sudden, the room was just filled with super supportive men.

So, I just sat down.

All right. Sounds like we have a plan.

And some information about Nate we should be sensitive to.

[mouthing] Thank you.

[rock music playing]

[soft chords playing]

Nikki, how are you?

I'm all right. Thanks for checking on me.

Since I broke up with Theo, I'm just so over relationships.

-Maybe my... -You done?

I'm done listening, if that helps.

You know the ring Isaac gave me the night we made things official?

The one I swore I'd never take off?

Must've took it off, 'cause it's gone as hell.

You lost it?

Oh man, he is not going to like that.

If we're pointing out the obvious now, you need to blend your foundation.

-Dude. -Sorry.

I'm freaking out, and I don't have the energy to pretend to be nice.

Okay, calm down. When's the last time you remember having the ring?

Last week, maybe.

Why is my memory so foggy on this whole thing?

[chuckles softly]

Hey. Hey, you guys.

I'm Mr. Peanut.

[chuckling quietly]

You know what I've always wanted to ask you, Mr. Peanut?

How do you feel about peanut butter? I mean, is that you when you're dead?

Or is that what comes out of you?

What you should be asking is why you've never seen Mrs. Peanut.

It's because I'm dating Mr. Potato Head,

and I'm thinking about popping the question.

I don't trust you, Mr. Peanut.

You're a peanut, but your goal is to get people to eat peanuts.

That's messed up.

You guys,

he said yes.

What is it, baby?

Why so grumpy?

That's my man.

You remember where you put the ring after you married the potato?

The rest of the night was a whirlwind. You know how weddings are.

-Oh. So it's probably in the basement. -No shit, cake face.

Please help me look for it.

[rock riff plays]

Eric, I don't care that the urinals are shaped like R2-D2.

Where are we gonna we live?

In California?

Probably on top of an earthquake fault next door to a sex cult.

Meanwhile, here, I make biscuits from scratch.

Mrs. Forman, could you come out here? It's kinda urgent.

Eric, you'll be fine out there on your own.

You'll sleep better without her drooling on your chest.

He tells me things.

What's going on?

Jay has something up his butt, and he can't get it out.

What are you doing? I thought we were taking her to the fabric store.

Not with that thing in your butt.

Good thing you're a nurse and know what to do.

Well, this could be serious.

I'm gonna call my doctor friend, see if we can get you in right away.

I really don't wanna go to the doctor.

Well, what you want got us into this situation.

But I will be there with you. Let me get my purse. I'll be back.

What the hell, Gwen?

Have fun!

Haha!

I wanna go to the fabric store!

[rock riff plays]

These guys always cheer me up 'cause they're more messed up than me.

Like, Earl over there?

Each of the last three houses he's lived in burned down.

Welcome, friends!

You think he did it?

Mm. I think so, I do.

All right, men, who needs support?

It's a trick question. We all do.

Women have bras. Men have bros.

Mitch is awesome.

He's seen every episode of Montel Williams and read his book,

"Mountain: Get Out of My Way. Life Lessons and Learned Truths."

[sincerely] It changed everything for me.

I like to start every meeting with an inspirational quote from Montel,

but I left my notebook at home. So today, is a Mitch original.

"It doesn't matter how tall you are."

That's it.

Told ya. [chuckles]

I see a new face. Why don't you introduce yourself?

I'm just a lookie-loo. I... I don't want to talk.

Oh, give it a try. We're all here for you, boss.

You take as much time as you need.

Okay. Well... my name's Bob Pinciotti.

Stop talking.

Pinciotti?

Like Donna Pinciotti?

Yeah, she's my daughter.

She's actually in town.

Really?

Well, that's... that's dope, man.

Is she, uh... is anybody... do you, uh... Which I'm just gonna, uh...

Anybody need anything from the vending machine?

[rock music playing]

There he is. Favorite color, favorite grandfather.

It's Red.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could see this face all year long?

Your grandma has pictures of you everywhere.

Even in my crapper.

I'll be fine.

There must be some part of you that wants to say yes.

My friends are here. My boyfriend's here. Do you wanna take that away from me?

I would love to.

I don't think I have ever complimented that fish.

Did you catch that?

Are you accusing me of hanging another man's fish?

1959.

Key West.

That S.O.B. fought like the devil.

But one of us had to win.

And it was me.

How about this? Can I get you to say you love me?

[sighs]

Fine.

-Are you gonna say it? -I just did.

So, to sum things up, I didn't hear a no.

Thanks, Red.

You can stay here forever.

[rock riff plays]

Oh, don't be ashamed.

It's perfectly natural to want to explore your body.

Mrs. Forman, can I please just read my magazine?

Okay.

But just remember for next time, what goes up doesn't always come down.

And don't worry, I won't tell Leia about this.

Your friends will.

Jay Kelso?

Promise me you won't leave.

I need your face to be the first one I see when I wake up.

Oh, honey, they don't put you under.

-There's nothing in there. -Uh-huh. That's what they all say.

[rock music playing]

So, yeah, I've been struggling a little lately.

Had a bit of a breakdown in my neighbor's attic.

[man] Yeah.

Looked at some old pictures, peed in a pickle jar.

I think I scared some people. [chuckles]

You know, people are scared of what they don't understand.

Like an open flame.

How does it work? And... And why is it so, so beautiful?

Earl, don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to uninvite you to my house.

Thanks for... for listening, guys. I...

I think I feel a little better.

That's what's awesome about sharing your problems.

You don't have to do this alone.

That's what's called an epiphany, brother. Father Montel talks about it in his book.

Actually, could I get that back? I drew a bunch of weird stuff in there.

You're gonna want your own.

[rock riff playing]

Nikki, you're not even trying.

Not caring about other people's problems is my thing.

Get to lookin'!

Maybe you're better off not finding the ring.

Isaac will break up with you,

and you won't suffer through some pointless relationship

as if it means something.

But you guys are cute together. Let's keep going.

So, why did my grandma go with Jay to the doctor?

Don't worry, it's hilarious.

And Nate's off somewhere with Grandpa Bob.

This is the perfect time to talk to my mom.

-Before you go up there, run it by us. -Okay.

Nikki, you're like the closest thing we have to a mom

'cause your jeans go up high, and one day we thought you were pregnant.

That is not a chit-chat story.

Okay, check it out.

Mom, you made lifelong friends here, and I want to walk in your footsteps.

I don't say this enough, but you're my hero.

That was so bad I don't want to live here anymore.

-Gwen? -Just keep it simple.

Thanks to us, she has no reason to say no.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Donna Pinch-me-hottie.

-Mitch? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. -Mmm...

I'm not seeing Eric. Is he dead?

Are you divorced? He's dead.

We're still happily married.

-Took you a while to answer. -No, it didn't.

-What do you want? -I have a proposal.

It's an indecent proposal.

I'll give you a million dollars to spend the night with me.

[sultry music playing]

[sultry music fades out]

You better not have been thinking about me.

Oh dammit! I should've been thinking about you. Hold on.

[sultry music plays]

[music stops]

Don't you dare.

-Mom, I... Oh no. -What are you doing here, Mitch?

Shouldn't you be at Hot Topic scraping the deodorant off the returns?

Shut up, Gwen. Say something cool about me, right now.

Grandma?

-What are you doing back so quickly? -I promised I wouldn't say where we were.

But make sure he sits on this for the next few days.

Never doubt my love for you.

-See, that could be us. -Okay, I'm done with you. Get out.

What? No, hold on.

If you're worried that I don't have a million dollars,

you're right, so let's take the money out of this.

Right? Like, I'd do it for free.

Out.

God, he is so annoying.

Oh. Donna, I got you some new underwear.

Yours is just a little too trampy for a married woman.

Donna, I have so much to tell you.

I've been to a support group,

and Montel Williams gave me an episiotomy.

And, uh, I helped.

[chuckles]

Why the hell is half the town in my kitchen?

-It's okay. I'm leaving. -Mom, wait.

Look, I know how much you want to stay, but this is all too much for me.

I can get rid of them.

Everyone, let's go look at the fish my grandpa caught.

Oh. I bought that thing at a flea market.

Kitty!

You swore.

[rock music playing]

Hey.

-Mind if I join you out here? -Sure.

You know, I used to watch you and Eric sit out here and talk.

Oh, you're coming up here with me.

Yeah.

Just pretend I'm him and tell me what's on your mind.

I'd rather not do that first part.

[sighs] Dad, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

And it's scary.

Sounds like it, kiddo.

I thought about calling Eric and telling him to come home.

But I don't wanna take that away from him.

And Leia really found herself here.

But there's a reason why I moved three hours away to Chicago.

The deep-dish pizza.

Yeah, Dad. That's it.

Whatever. It's not a big deal.

I'll figure it out.

Hey, it's a big deal to me.

You're my daughter. It's my job to look out for you.

And I think the reason you're feeling scared

is you think you got to do this all on your own.

Wow.

-Where did that come from? -It was what my episiotomy was all about.

I promise you did not have an episiotomy.

Listen. You have a tough decision to make.

We're all here to support you.

And no matter where you end up,

if you ever need me, I'll be on the next flight.

-You want to go inside? -I do.

But I think I pulled my ass getting up here.

[breathing shakily]

Maybe you did have an episiotomy.

[rock riff plays]

-Nikki! -Oi!

Good, you're awake.

I remember where the ring is.

I dropped the ring in here.

I'm gonna eat my way to the bottom and find it.

Good luck, man.

Do you guys know what happened to my Doritos?

I don't know.

I blinked, and I forgot to open my eyes again.

I gave one of those heart rings to Nikki on our three-month anniversary.

But what she doesn't know is I bought it right after our first date

'cause I already knew how special she was.

I know it's too late to say that to Nikki, but you got to say it to some chick

because that's a first-class ticket to Bang-la-desh.

[chuckles quietly]

I swallowed the ring.

It's where my food is now.

Nate gave you the exact same ring.

So... give me yours, and then I don't have to tell Isaac I lost mine.

Hold on. Nate really said all that about me?

Ring.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

Uh, I got rid of all the stuff he gave me after we broke up.

Bummer.

I guess I have to wrap my finger in gauze and say I got it caught in a blender.

He'll believe that. He knows I juice.

Fricking Nate.

[sad music plays]

This sucks. I don't want to leave.

California's not that bad.

Snoop Dogg's always saying, "West Coast, best coast."

It's gotta count for something, right?

Who's Snoop Dogg?

Here. You're gonna need this.

Your old Point Place gym shirt?

Oh God. Do I have to sit on Grandpa's lap at JCPenney's?

I think she's telling you that you're staying.

You're telling me I'm staying?

-We did it! -I know! I never believed in you!

You're very welcome from over here.

Mom, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Are you sure this is okay for you?

Yeah.

I'll be splitting time between you and your dad.

So don't give your grandparents a hard time, and stay out of trouble.

I'll keep an eye on her for you, Mrs. Forman.

Oh, thanks, one of my main concerns.

What's happening?

She letting you stay?

There is nothing like a fresh pair of underwear

to help you make the right decision.

[shouts happily]

[rock music playing]

I know I give off a rock star vibe,

but today I feel like a cigarette butt in a urinal at CBGB's.

I lost my one shot with the lady of my dreams.

On the other hand, I did save a million dollars.

You wanna start us off, new guy?

[clears throat] Well, uh...

I'm here today because... my grandkid

and my daughter-in-law have decided to stay in town.

Also, I want everybody here to know

that I have a big fish on my wall at home that I caught myself.

Donna is staying?

Haha!

I knew she would see the Mitch and get the itch.

Up high. I mean, like... Never mind.

Somebody ought to hit you.

-Red! -Earl!

Well, I haven't seen you in a while.

I was away for about 12 years.

Moved out of town?

Something like that.

All right, gang.

Why don't we practice our trust falls? Not you, Earl. I do not trust you.

All right, then. Here we go.

[closing theme music playing]