Original subtitles

[rock riff plays]

Gwen, your bell-bottoms.

You look so good in those. I forgot I was gay for a second.

I found 'em in my attic. There's all kinds of cool crap up there.

Also...

And this is going to blow your mind.

We have an attic.

That explains a lot.

One time I put my hand through the ceiling when I was dance-punching to Billy Idol.

I came down with Pop Rocks and a thong.

I thought that's what houses were made of.

How are you this okay?

Yesterday, I watched you humiliated yourself in front of the woman you love.

I heard it was next-level embarrassing.

Like, worse than when I double-puked at my holiday concert.

I had to buy the school a new mop.

I don't know. I feel pretty good about it.

Now Nik knows how I feel, and her boyfriend was pissed,

which means I looked cool as hell.

You know who else is cool as hell?

[both] John Rambo.

There you are, you dumbass. What the hell is wrong with you?

You love me? [scoffs]

You're so full of it,

you just can't stand to see me with someone else.

Nik, this is real. Look at my face.

That's the same face you make when you pee in the woods.

And you know I love that too. You're proving my point.

I have no reason to believe anything you're saying.

You almost kissed Leia, you dumped me in front of my friends,

and you tell me you love me just so you can break up with Betsy.

This summer's been so crazy, I forgot he kissed Leia.

Almost. Almost.

You know what? I can't even be in the same room as you right now.

The memory on that one.

Sexy, right?

[theme music playing]

♪ Hanging out down the street ♪

♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ But talk to you ♪

♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Kitty! I just found another one of your speeding tickets

hidden in the crisper.

Well, I can explain.

I got another speeding ticket and hid it in the crisper.

This is your third ticket this year.

They're gonna jack up our insurance rates.

And now, I have to go and call our agent and use my nice guy voice!

[fake laughing] "Hi, Marsha."

"How's the hubby?" Kill me!

Third ticket, huh?

-That's when they take your license. -What?

No, I can't lose my license.

School is starting soon. How will I get to work?

[gasps] And bingo!

It is the only place left where a gal can scream.

Maybe you'll get off easy. How fast were you going?

"Celebrate" by Kool & The Gang came on, and I followed directions.

[laughing]

That is what I get for taking Leia to the bead store.

She thinks I love these homemade bracelets.

I must have thousands.

They look like little dead teeth on a string.

Hang on, Leia was in the car?

Have her tell the judge whatever crap you need to get out of the ticket.

You mean ask her to lie?

Oh...

She is so sweet. I could never.

Ah, my kids do it all the time.

They got me out of a public intoxication, a public urination,

a public frenching a cop.

I love St. Patty's Day.

[rock riff plays]

Can you believe Bob left all this stuff up here before he moved?

It's a fricking '70s time capsule.

Clothes, records, and a bottle of "Quay-lloyds"?

I'd be weirded out that Bob and I have the same body type

if this didn't look so damn good on me.

Do you really think I still have a shot with Nikki?

Ah, totally. She wouldn't have gotten so worked up if she didn't care.

She didn't say that she didn't love you.

She said she didn't believe that you loved her.

-You gotta make her believe. -I can do that.

I mean, I once convinced a horse that I was also a horse.

Found the shoes.

[lock rattling]

Damn, it's locked.

You don't lock up shoes unless they're fricking fantastic.

What if I did something epic?

Like... like holding a boom box over my head

or filling up a bathtub full of shrimp?

Yes. Do that. That's a good one.

Don't do that, but a grand gesture is the way to go.

Bro, she has a boyfriend. She's not gonna like that.

-Then why is it in every romantic comedy? -Because men write those movies.

And who knows women better than men?

[lock rattling loudly]

I'm cool. I'm cool.

[lock rattling]

[rock music playing]

Banana bread, peach pie, chocolate chip waffles,

mac and cheese, cheese and mac,

two very different things, both delicious, dig in.

What's going on, Grandma? Are you practicing for Thanksgiving?

I only do that at night when everyone's asleep. This is for you.

Unrelated.

Remember last week

when Grammy was speeding and got that pesky ticket?

When you were racing home to catch the end of America's Funniest Home Videos?

Oh, I had to see if "Kitten Sneezes on Birthday Cake" makes it another week.

I was hoping you could come to court with me and fudge a few details

so I could stay out of trouble.

You want me to lie?

Not lie. Fudge.

Which I also made.

Because I do things for you without asking so many questions.

Doesn't this go against everything you ever taught me?

Oh.

Now you're a good girl.

I hear you in your room having those tickle fights with Jay.

Come on, Grandma. Lying in court is a big deal.

I can't do it.

Oh please, this is traffic court, not the O.J. trial.

[rock riff plays]

Now, this is a grand gesture.

It kind of makes sense like this 'cause I am way bigger than she is.

What the hell, man? Nikki's my girlfriend. Why would you paint that on here?

It's called freedom of speech.

If you don't like it, you can take it up with the Pledge of Allegiance.

My boy knows his shit.

Take it down, or we're gonna fight.

Careful. Those are fightin' words.

Exactly.

Fine. Let's do this right now.

Oh, it's on!

I was on my way to rehearsal, so I can't fight you right now.

-How about four o'clock? -No can do.

I'm going back-to-school shopping with my mom.

Yeah, he is.

The shoes I pick out today, they'll be with me the rest of the year,

so I can't blow that off.

Let's push it to five.

Depends how fast we go through the third act. Not everyone's off-book.

Even though they've had the script for a month.

What about 7:30?

-Done. -Done.

-Done. -Done!

-I got the last "done." -That worked out perfect.

Dude, you're gonna kick his ass.

And I'm gonna make sure Nikki sees this sign.

Okay, all you have to do is wait for her to run into your arms.

No one handles stuff like you.

Mess with the best, and die like the rest.

-Oh... -[branches snapping]

You okay, dude?

[Jay] Uncle Ron?

Take a minute.

[rock music playing]

Man... I forgot all this stuff was up here.

Back when we were packing up the house, I couldn't fit up the attic hole.

-You let yourself go? -Other way.

I was a gym rat. I'd started juicing.

Steroids, HGH, horse testosterone.

They turned the grapes into raisins, but my shoulders were like cannonballs.

Fascinating.

Do you remember the combination to the trunk or not?

-Sure. -32, 27, 36.

Midge's measurements.

Oh, wait. That's before we bought her new rack.

Aw...

It's full of family memories.

Where are the shoes, old man?

Aw, Donna's dress she wore when we took her to Disneyland.

Actually, it was just a little horse ride outside the grocery store.

But, you know, kids... they're stupid.

Midge's before and after pictures!

What an angel.

Look at those torpedoes. [chuckles]

[rock riff plays]

[TV host] And the winner of the $10,000 is "Kitten Sneezes on Birthday Cake."

Yes, because it is the funniest, the funniest home video!

[laughing happily]

It wasn't funnier than "Granny Loses Top on Slip 'N Slide."

Now, that was a series of bad decisions.

The three of us need to talk.

Grandpa, Grandma has been pressuring me to lie in court.

No, I wouldn't call it pressuring.

I found this note under my pillow.

"Do the right thing. I know where you sleep."

Really, Kitty?

Your plan is to drag our granddaughter into all this mess?

I like it.

You want me to lie too?

If that ticket sticks,

our insurance rate goes up 200 bucks a month.

Now, I don't know how much you think your morals are worth,

but it's less than 200 bucks a month.

Who are you people?

["Jungle Boogie" by Kool & The Gang plays]

♪ Jungle boogie ♪

♪ Jungle boogie ♪

♪ Jungle boogie... ♪

I love when we match outfits.

[gasps] We should pull over and take our Christmas picture.

We're on the job, Kitty.

Right, rough stuff.

You know what I loved about Paris?

The little differences.

Like McDonald's,

remember what they called a quarter pounder with cheese?

Royale with cheese.

How did they come up with that? [laughs]

Europe is so clever.

They're on the metric system there.

They wouldn't know what the **** a quarter pounder is.

Next time we're in Europe, I want to go to Holland.

Know what they put on their french fries instead of ketchup?

What?

Mayonnaise.

[both laughing]

I saw it on TV.

They **** drown them in that shit.

[both laughing]

["Jungle Boogie" fades and ends]

-You guys are freaking me out. -Well, just think about it.

Really think about it.

[rock riff plays]

Hey. Let's take a ride.

I've seen the water tower, Jay.

Did you see the part where he wrote "Nate loves Nikki" on it?

Come on, Nikki. I mean, I've been with Nate every step of the way.

He really loves you.

If that was true,

he'd think about how all his crap always leads to me getting hurt.

I'm in a mature relationship now with someone at my level.

What if I teach him how to be mature like me?

You think the Power Rangers are real.

One day the Megazords are gonna attack us, and you'll be kissing their ass.

-I'm done with you. -Hey, quick question.

What's your stance on two dudes fighting over a girl,

and then the winner gets to keep her like a stuffed bear at a carnival?

Wait, what? Is Nate going to fight Theo?

Tonight at 7:30.

Why so late?

Don't even ask. It was a complete scheduling fiasco.

[rock music playing]

I got nowhere with Leia.

We raised her right. Now we're paying for it.

Either gotta sleep with the judge or find a way to get some sympathy.

Both work. One's more fun.

Well, why would the judge have sympathy for me?

This hair, this skin. Look at me. I'm glowing.

How about you put on that walking boot and ham up the old ankle injury?

Go all out. Make up a backstory.

-The key is you really gotta commit to it. -I don't know if I can pull that off.

Here we go, honey.

Thank you, honey.

Whoa.

Yikes!

This has...

This has a lot more pep than the old one.

Whoopsie.

Right over here.

Sorry, so sorry. Here we go.

Red, something's stuck. Something's stuck.

[rock music plays]

I can still smell your hairspray, Midge.

I can't say it for women, but... I used it all the time.

What we're witnessing here is the long-term effects of steroids.

Hey, Grandpa Bob.

Why don't you come downstairs?

You've gotta be hungry, or thirsty, or have to go to the bathroom.

I'm good.

I found an old jar of pickles up here, so it took care of all three.

Come on, Grandpa. You can't stay up here forever.

Your ham guy at the deli is gonna miss you.

Being around all this old stuff

brings me back to the happiest times of my life.

If I go downstairs,

that's gone.

The only reason I'm still here is because I really want that scarf he's crying into.

You know, life can get crazy and pull you in different directions.

But that's just noise.

The most important thing is family.

You've got to stick together, no matter what.

No matter what?

Always.

Ugh... It's so wet.

[rock music plays]

That's right. I'm a few minutes early.

'Cause it was the best rehearsal we had all year.

Let's do this.

Hey. I'll even let you have the first punch.

Come on.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

-One, two... -What are you doing?

[babble, groans harshly]

I'm waking up my extremities.

I'm trained in stage combat.

You may know this move from Merchant of Venice.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

[exhales]

Did you say Dennis the Menace?

How about a little West Side Story?

Bro, now you're doing Popeye crap?

Can we fight now?

That's my cue.

Whoa. [grunts]

What the hell is happening?

Why are you holding my boyfriend so elegantly?

[rock music plays]

Case 526, Katherine Forman.

Right here, Your Honor.

And now here.

[laughs]

You've been cited for speeding.

Seventy-five miles an hour on a surface street?

Your Honor, I would never speed.

Every day is precious to me since I... I almost lost my foot.

I don't want to go into what happened or how many lives I saved.

-You're not supposed to be talking yet. -It was five. Five lives.

I'm here. Can I have a minute with my grandma?

Of course, sweetheart.

-Absolutely not. -I don't know who to listen to.

This is my courtroom.

Objection!

She is my granddaughter.

Well, can I talk to both of you at the same time?

I will allow it.

I realize that being here for you is the right thing to do.

Family should always come first.

Oh, honey.

Something's wrong.

That's Kitty's regretful face.

I see it every time she gets stuck in a conversation with you.

I should never have asked you to do this.

I'm sorry.

I am... I am sorry about everything.

Let's move this along. Guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

Guilty of speeding. Guilty as a grandma.

And when I return videos, I am not kind, and I do not rewind.

You know, I wasn't going to do this, but that last one really pisses me off.

License suspended for 60 days.

[wails] No!

That's two months.

Oh, that's nothing.

Did you want more?

-Grandma, stop talking. -Okay. Hop on, honey.

Sorry, Your Honor. Sorry. Sometimes it gets a little...

-[chair scraping] -Oh. Sorry. So sorry.

Oh, that was unplanned. That was unplanned.

Okay. Bye.

I better go make sure she doesn't go down the stairs.

Yeah.

-Bye, Judge Jezner. -Always a pleasure, Sherri.

[mouthing]

[rock music playing]

Seriously, Theo, I thought you were gonna be the mature one.

Me too.

I'm shocked.

This is so disappointing.

I had high hopes for you, but you are just another man-baby.

He's the man-baby. His mom dressed him.

You shut up about my mommy.

At least he's open about it.

You're worse. You're like a secret man-baby.

-You just act like someone who's mature. -Wait. Did you compliment my acting?

Thank you. It's so nice to have my work recognized.

Ew. No, we are definitely breaking up.

I can't believe you're picking him over me.

Well, that's what's happening.

You'd know that if you'd ever seen The Merchant of Suck It!

-[chuckling] -[scoffs]

-That is what's happening, right? -Just stop.

Nik, I really do love you.

I know.

That's not where I'm at.

Like, right now or forever?

[breathes deeply]

-Got it. -Yeah.

Wow.

You'll be okay.

-You know I could have kicked his ass? -I could have kicked his ass.

-[chuckles] -[rock riff plays]

What the hell, Bob? Do some laundry!

I got plenty of clothes.

But these are the only ones making me happy right now.

Are you okay?

I think it's fair to say I'm not.

Bob, did you hear?

I lost my license through no fault of my own.

So, I'm gonna need people to help drive me around.

It'll be fun.

[classic theme music playing]

♪ Hanging out ♪

♪ Down the street ♪

♪ The same old thing ♪

♪ We did last week ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ But talk to you ♪

♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

[song fades out]

["That '70s Song (Previously Unreleased)" by Cheap Trick plays]

♪ I've seen her car ♪

♪ Drive on down ♪

♪ Pick you up ♪

♪ And we'll drive around ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ But talk to you ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[song fades out]