Original subtitles

(Clicking)

(Mirror ticks)

(Rustling)

(Yells)

(Groans)

Help! Help me!

(Groans)

(Grunts)

Help ... me.

(Groans)

That.

Like that.

Shoulder under.

Now back straight.

And ... Steed!

You're supposed to throw him through a plate-glass window.

- Why? - Accepted agent's practice.

You should always try to toss your opponent through the nearest window.

Double-glazed preferably.

It's more effective and much more spectacular.

I'll remember.

You may have a chance to prove the theory.

- Action? - One Mr Grant has gone missing.

I'll get my coat.

And the disguise.

- Disguise? - I want to try it out.

Like it?

- Yes. - Good. Now, where are we off to?

The trail starts where Mr Grant stopped. At a small country hotel.

Your friend, Mr Grant, certainly travels light. Not even a change of clothes.

He's not a friend. A colleague.

What was your colleague doing?

I don't really know.

He's a very odd character. He's certainly lax about sending reports.

Even so, a three-week silence is unusual even for him.

I checked that.

- What do you think's happened to him? - I think he's dead.

Just a feeling you get.

Ah.

Sorry.

There's no reason why you should know. Regulations.

- What is it? - A prospectus for Alpha Academy.

That symbol, it's on a Land Rover outside.

Are they watching us or the room?

The room I imagine.

Let's go out to Alpha Academy. English education astonishes me.

And so it should.

(Engine starts)

The Land Rover is following us.

Maybe they're just going back to the academy.

Let's find out.

Deserted, isn't it?

It's like the other side of the moon.

They're not getting out of the Land Rover.

Well, let's ring for service.

(Horn toots)

Friendly little group, aren't they?

(Toots horn)

Yes?

That's the answer. Perhaps you'd like the question.

- What do you want? - A word with your headmaster.

Have you an appointment?

No, no. We just dropped by on the off-chance of seeing him.

Advise Control we're escorting visitors in.

Gate Security to Control, visitors entering.

(Man over radio) 'Very well. Proceed with escort.'

Over and out.

Visitors to see the Commander.

- By appointment? - No.

Very well.

If you wait in the Commander's office, I'll inform him you're here.

Very kind.

Kind of makes you feel wanted, doesn't it?

(Yelps)

It gave me a bit of a shock.

(Buzzes)

The whole thing is electrified.

Good evening. I'm Brigadier Brett.

Good evening.

You were having some difficulty with the lock.

The door was ... stuck.

I hate locked rooms. The war, you know.

Yes, of course. You wanted to see me, Mr ...

Colonel. Colonel John Steed, 8th/9th Lancers. My wife.

- Ma'am. - I'm afraid I'm in the civil service now.

Yes, it does happen. Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

What can I do for you?

It's about our little boy, isn't it, my dear?

- Oh, yes. Our little boy. Aubrey. - (Steed) Neville.

- Aubrey Neville. - (Tara) A delightful child.

- How old is he? - 18 in June.

- By John's first wife. - Ah.

We're going to be shifted to the colonies. Or should I say the Commonwealth?

John doesn't want the child to be exposed to foreign influences,

so we've decided to leave him in England.

- You do take them from 18 years. - From 18 to 20.

You're running a military academy?

Not at all.

The discipline is strict of course, but ...

Well, you must be the first to admit, Colonel,

there's little future in today's world for a soldier.

More's the pity.

But I'm glad to see that you're putting some backbone into today's youngsters.

Today's youngsters are tomorrow's people.

Perhaps you'd like a copy of our prospectus.

- Or have you already seen it? - No. How?

Mr Grant, who's staying at the same hotel as you,

I gave him a prospectus three weeks ago.

- I thought you might have met. - No. We just arrived today.

Not even booked in. Just had time to look around the rooms.

I see.

- Wasn't this the way out? - Hey!

Sorry, sir!

I tripped.

I think you've taken the wrong turning.

Oh, not at all. I have a splendid sense of direction.

It's the homing pigeon in me, you know. We'll go through ...

No, sir! That way.

(Steed) Well, that's most peculiar. I'm quite certain we came this way.

Let me see. When we came into the house we turned ... right, then first left.

Or was it the second ...?

What happened?

The lady must have stumbled, sir. Hit her head.

Shh.

How's the head? The brunette one?

Still there. Just.

They said you stumbled. Did you?

Possibly on to something important.

What happened?

Well, I recall seeing stars.

Heh, heh! That's not surprising if they'd thumped you.

No, before they hit me.

And then there was Humpty Dumpty.

Sitting on a wall?

No. Bobbing about in mid-air.

You really were hit.

Steed, I'm not making it up.

I really saw an inflated astronaut that looked like Humpty Dumpty.

I saw him through a window.

- But there weren't any windows. - There was one behind the blackboard.

- Very strange place to put one. - Exactly.

Perhaps your Mr Grant stumbled on the same thing.

I think that Alpha Academy warrants another visit.

Mm. This time unescorted.

- We already are escorted. - What?

- Right behind us. - (Tuts) Oh.

This is becoming a habit.

Then let's break them of it whilst they're still young.

(Engine revs)

- They're still with us. - Hold on to your hair.

(Tyres screeching)

(Tyres screeching)

- You've lost them. - Yes.

Now let's get back to the academy ...

- Later. - Later?

Much later. When the hue and cry has died down.

I'll pick you up at 10:30.

(Engine starts)

(Man over radio) 'We've lost them, sir.'

Very well. Return here immediately.

Colonel and Mrs Steed have alluded our escort.

Security condition yellow.

Miss King?

(Tara) Come in!

I already am.

Oh, Steed, I hope you've come prepared

to go and investigate our son's future school.

Heh. Adequately.

Me too.

Look in the case.

Why the running shoes?

For beating a hasty retreat.

Have I overlooked anything?

- Yes. There is just one thing. - What?

A porter to carry it.

You know it's after 10:30.

I know. Exactly two minutes after.

I hate to remind you, but punctuality is the first requirement.

Suppose Wellington had been late for Waterloo.

He was, wasn't he?

Ah, well. There you are then.

I'm sorry. I'm almost ready, Steed.

Good.

I've only got to wash my hair, have a shower, paint my nails and get dressed.

(Sighs)

Of course, you could speed things up for me.

- How? - You could do my hair.

- Night survival as usual, sir? - Of course.

(Bleeping)

(Bleeps)

Perimeter wire, west sector, sir.

That'll be Steed and his wife.

I do hope so, sir.

We must be near to the school building.

It's over on the right I think.

This quarry almost encircles the entire place according to the map.

Incidentally, watch how you go. There's been a lot of mining around here.

Look out for big holes.

Steed ...

(Steed) That's interesting.

- What could have made it? - I don't know.

- It's certainly big. - Bigger than both of us, Miss King?

Shh!

What was he doing?

I don't think he was a guard. He wasn't armed.

I wonder what that jump was for.

- It's just a rabbit snare. - Let me see.

That's no way to catch rabbits.

There may be more traps around.

I'm sure.

(Bird caws)

(Chirping)

I better try a get inside the building.

I could check the grounds for you.

All right. We'll meet back at the car in an hour.

- OK. - I make it 11:09.

Synchronise watches.

Oh. Erm, 11:07, 30 seconds.

Make it 11:10.

Good luck.

Thank you.

(Bleeping)

(Bleeps)

(Bleeps)

(Machine bleeps faster)

(Bleeps faster)

(Bleeps slower)

You are the only ones from your course who have not completed night survival.

You will stay out in the survival area until dawn.

You know there are dangers, traps everywhere in these grounds.

But you don't know where they are.

You also know somewhere out there in the darkness is an enemy.

You will seek him and destroy him.

Exactly. You are enemies and only one of you must return.

Any questions?

Sir, there's a yellow alert.

Yes. Everyone you meet is an enemy and must be destroyed.

(Door creaks)

(Whirring)

(Shouts) Look out!

(Gasps)

(Shrieks)

We have the intruder, sir.

Well done.

- Any sign of Steed? - No, sir.

- Security condition red. - Sir.

- Take the prisoner inside. - Yes, sir.

Welcome back, Mrs Steed.

It's not important, but it's Miss King.

- It's not important. Where is Steed? - I don't know.

Well, I imagine we'll find him soon enough.

Now, Miss King, you must have been out there for an hour.

I congratulate you on your powers of survival.

They're instinctive.

Did you meet up with any of our ... pets?

- A boa constrictor. - There are several.

One isn't enough.

Well, they are incurably lazy after a meal.

And for example, Mr Grant.

Steed's colleague.

The boa constrictor Mr Grant encountered will sleep for at least three weeks.

- There was a scorpion as well. - Oh, really?

I didn't know there were any left. They don't do well in this climate.

Two of your young men seem to be hunting each other.

- They are. - Why?

The quarry figures in only a small part of our curriculum,

but an essential part.

The survival course.

The quarry is our survival area.

There it's kill or be killed.

(Grunting)

There is the future, Miss King.

The new worlds of space.

Hanging like ripe plums in the sky

waiting for the first men who have the courage to snatch them.

Earth. Overpopulated, underfed.

Its wealth sucked dry.

And how do you plan to reach the stars?

Just by waiting, Miss King.

East and West are competing like schoolboys

to create methods of space transportation.

I shall lead my armies into these new worlds and colonise them.

Your army?

My army of astronauts.

The young men and women here?

You're training astronauts.

Astronaut soldiers to be precise.

To wage war on other astronauts?

To wipe them out, Miss King.

I will invade the new territories out there

while this world makes formal protests and looks at the rule books.

It's happened before.

(Commander) Exactly, Miss King.

But it may be 50 years before space travel is made that easy.

Your army may be old by then.

Cryobiology, Miss King.

We have perfected the deep freezing of human tissues.

Already I have 80 young men and women

fully trained at their mental and physical peak who will grow no older.

Their lives suspended until the moment of reactivation.

In two years' time, I shall join them.

(Shrieks)

Your instinct for survival interests me, Miss King.

What other equipment is there?

Laboratories, test chambers, gymnasiums, physical and psychological units.

Everything.

And what's the tunnel?

We only go there towards the end of our training. When we're conditioned.

(Screams) There's a series of tests to find out ...

The brigadier says everybody has got a secret fear.

In that tunnel, you come face to face with that fear.

This unit is under survival course at present.

I will release you.

60 seconds later, they will start after you.

Their objective: to kill you.

I know I can rely on you, Miss King, to try to survive for as long as possible.

Ten seconds.

You may run anywhere you wish, Miss King. Do try to give them good chase.

Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

30 seconds.

Ten seconds.

Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

(Grunts)

(Thudding)

(Whimpers)

(Pants)

Why didn't you kill me?

There's a security condition red. Steed's the enemy now.

(Yelps)

(Bleeps)

(Bleeping stops)

Try that door.

It's bolted.

Right, I'll cover you. Check the bushes.

(Banging)

(Door slams shut)

Lock her in. I'll report to the Commander.

(Water dripping)

(Gasps)

(Squealing)

(Groans)

(Gasps)

She's in the tunnel. I want sections B and C to the quarry exit.

(Bleeps)

- You want to watch. - Thank you, sir.

She's coming to the tube.

The tube?

(Water dripping)

(Door slams shut)

(Exhales)

(Door slams shut)

(Banging)

(Whirring)

(Gasps)

(Bleeps)

There's someone in the quarry end of the tunnel.

Steed. Using the tunnel to get into the school.

(Clanks)

Might as well have it all.

(Hissing)

Over the hurdles.

We are going in after them. I'll send in sections B and C from the quarry end.

You take in the group at the southern entrance.

Yes, sir.

This is Brigadier Brett. B and C sections go in after them.

'Carter's group is the other end, so they can't escape.'

Right away, sir. Out.

Now let's make sure it's our group that gets them first. Inside, all of you.

Inside and fast!

(Woman) Into the tunnel, everybody. They're trapped.

(Screams)

Miss King ... I thought this was one way.

Oh, Steed!

Yes, it is a trifle harrowing, isn't it?

(Tara sighs)

Can we get out that way?

No. There's a hunting party not far behind.

There's one coming this wall, so we're caught in the middle.

- Exactly. - Well, what are we going to do?

- Miss King, have I ever let you down? - There's always a first time.

Telling the truth can be destructive to a relationship.

Now, as you can see, I've developed this plan.

Note particularly that feature.

Steed, you're marvellous.

Thank you.

- Where are they? - You let them past you.

Nobody went past us. You let them get back.

We never saw them.

Then they must be somewhere in the cavern.

Spread out, all of you! Find them!

Give us a hand.

Over here!

Ventilator shaft. Get after them!

I'll join you as soon as I can.

Isn't he out yet?

He's says it's closed off. There's a rock against it.

Get your shoulder to it! Move it!

(Man 2) I can't shift it! It's solid!

Then they've got out into the grounds.

- While we're all in here! - Both exits, move!

(Grunts)

(Knock on door)

- Yes? - Trump here. Intruders have escaped.

Tunnel entrance door has been locked, sir. Request orders.

I'm coming down.

Don't move.

(Whispers) Above you. A big snake.

Oh ...

(Crashing)

(Steed) Stars in his eyes.

Head in the clouds.

- Feet apart. - Mm-hm.

I get my right leg between your feet.

I get my right shoulder under your right arm.

I keep my back straight. Feet parallel.

And put the opponent off balance and heave!

- Woo! - Get it?

Yes. (Grunts)

- Good. - Right. Now, feet apart.

And bring my shoulder under you.

Right, back straight.

Back straight, feet apart,

opponent off balance and ... heave!

Heave!

Oh, I'll never get the hang of it!

Yes, you will. You didn't get your opponent off balance.

- Oh! - Heh, heh.

(Steed gasps)

(Exhales)

I'm sorry, Steed.

That's what I call devious, Miss King.

At least I didn't break the plate-glass window.

Thoughtful.

Ah!

Well ... what'll it be?

A quiet tête-à-tête,

dinner in the country or a ride in the park?

Practice.