Original subtitles

I see that the meaning of the word punctuality hasn't

yet sunk in with certain members of our class.

You see, Max, I told you we'd be here before professori.

Better sit down before he comes. OK, OK.

Good evening. How did you get in? Through the window?

You're late. Too busy drinking in the pub to notice the time?

Have we not been in a pub? Have we, Max?

Sure we haven't.

Look, we were coming to the school,

and we see this old lady trying to cross the road. That's right, she was very old.

A hand very blind. Yeah, pushing a pram.

An old blind lady pushing a pram.

Well, maybe she wasn't exactly blind. Maybe she wasn't exactly there, either.

Sure is true.

On Max's life, we have not been in that pub. Honest. All right.

Hey, you left your books in the pub.

What's the matter?

Look behind you.

Not been in the pub, eh?

Now I remember. We were there just for a minute.

Come on, sit down, all of you.

Hey, why you not tell me the teacher's behind me? You Italian macaroni.

Why?

You lump of Spanish omelette.

All right, come on, sit down and be quiet. Teacher

is right. You sit down. Sit down, be quiet.

Go, sit down, go.

Yet one man includes you. Por favor.

You heard. Sit down. I'm getting rather tired of this

continual habit of certain people being late.

7.30 is the time class commences, and you should all be sitting at your desks,

ready to begin work. Now, I shall tell you again, in future,

anybody who comes late will go straight home.

Good evening, everybody. Good evening.

You're late.

Eh?

Oh, no. Look, please, I am being early.

It is only 20 minutes past the 7 o'clock. Correction, it is 25 minutes to the 8.

That clock is not being right at all. Oh,

and I suppose my watch is not being right also.

Yes, please.

Has it occurred to you that it might be your watch that is wrong? Oh, blimey,

this watch is guaranteed never to be wrong.

It is 21 Julies.

Jewels.

Yes, please. I'm buying it today from the marketplace.

You bought that watch from a stall on the market? Most definitely.

The man is telling me it is jolly good bargain. 21 jewelies

and a real gold case. 18 turnips. 18 carats.

Sorry, please.

Well, how much did you pay for this 21-jeweled, 18-carat gold timepiece? 2.50 pence.

I think he saw you coming, Ali.

Ah, most definitely. He was seeing me coming before I was seeing him.

What I mean is you were swindled.

Oh, no. You can't buy a watch for £2.50.

Ah, but the man is telling me it is being so cheap because it is bankruptured stock.

Rupted.

It's not going, Ali.

Perhaps it needs wind up? There's nothing to wind up. Look, it's empty.

Oh, blimey, I am being jittered.

Excuse me, please, I go to find the crooked man. He won't be there now, will he?

What about my money? You just have to put it down to experience.

Now sit down, we've got a lot of work to do.

How are you coming along?

Have you learnt any more English?

More English? Yes. Bloody foreigners. Yes.

Well, that's a start.

You'll just have to follow the lesson as best you can, yeah?

And I'll explain later. Do you understand?

Well, never mind. Sit down and do your best.

Right. Now, tonight, we're going to look at sentence construction. Now,

can anybody give me a definition of a sentence, please?

Me, please.

Yes, Su Li.

A sentence is a group of words that makes complete sense.

Very good.

For example, communism is only clue way of life. Thanks.

Or capitals are enemies of peace-loving people.

Or China... Yeah, I think you're way too... LAUGHTER

Right, now a sentence contains eight parts of speech.

Can anybody tell me what they are? Come along.

Noun.

Good, excellent.

Pronoun.

Very good.

Hey, why am I very good and she's excellent?

Well, all right, you're both excellent. All right, anybody else? Affirm. Good.

Adverb. Well done.

Adjective.

Yes.

Perversational. Good, yes.

Well done. And one more.

Come on, doesn't anybody want to know what the other one is? An interjection.

Right, can anybody tell me what an interjection is?

Si, senor.

Yes, one.

Needle.

See, like a doctor.

Interjection.

Now, that's an injection.

Ah, so right.

An interjection is a word put into a sentence to express some emotion, such as oh,

ah, or hush. Right, we will now construct a sentence starting with a noun. Ranjeet,

can you give us a noun, please?

Idiot.

Idiot? Surely you could have thought of something else. I could have said Muslim.

If you go to the right, that'll do, Ranjeet. You're here to learn English. Now,

kindly keep your personal prejudices to yourself. A thousand apologies.

Now, give me a noun, please. A waiter. A waiter. Good.

Now, Max, an adjective.

Come along.

Look, Ranjeet gave us a noun, waiter. You describe

him. Is he old, tall, short, thin?

How do I know? I never met him. LAUGHTER We're not talking about an actual waiter,

Max. Ah, he's a part-time waiter.

We are trying to construct a sentence. Ranjit has given us a noun, waiter.

I want you to give me an adjective that describes him.

OK.

A hold waiter. An old waiter.

With a moustache.

Just old will do. OK.

Right, we'll put a definite article in. The old waiter. Now we need a verb,

something he was doing. Danielle?

Ooh, making love.

Can't you think of something better that he could have been doing?

But I can't think of nothing better than making love.

Yes, but something more appropriate to a waiter in a restaurant.

Bon, alors.

He served.

Served. Good. The old waiter served.

Now we need an adverb.

Tarot.

Arthur.

Yeah, an adverb, please. Modifying the verb, serve.

Carefully-o. Carefully-o. They're careful. Served carefully.

Right. Now, can anybody add anything to that?

The old waiter carefully served fish and chips.

Two more nouns and a conjunction.

Okey-cokey.

The old waiter, carefully served.

Two more nouns, and I come... All right, first time, Giovanni.

Mr Brown? Yes, Sid. There's a geezer out here who wants to see Miss Courtney.

What's that got to do with me?

Well, I can't find her anywhere. Will you come out and have a word with him? Yes,

all right. Now, I want you to complete the sentence using an interjection,

a preposition and a pronoun, and I shall be back in a minute, all right?

All right. All right.

Are you Miss Courtney?

Do I look like Miss Courtney?

Well, I asked to see you, Miss Courtney.

Ah, well, who are you?

My name's Forbes Fortescue. Pardon?

Forbes Fortescue.

Oh, Jeremy Brown.

My card.

Oh.

Oh, you're an ATC, an assistant town clerk. Quite so. Ah, I see. Ah, Miss Courtney.

Mr Brown.

Is this another of your foreign students?

No, he's an ATC.

I don't care what nationality he is. It's time you were in the classroom.

Madam, my name is Forbes. He's hyphenated.

How unfortunate.

I'm here from the town hall. We have some news from the palace.

Victoria or Crystal?

Buckingham.

I'm here in connection with the royal visit to the borough next week,

and as the Duke himself laid the foundation stone of this building,

it has been suggested that Her Majesty and His Royal Highness

pay a brief informal visit to the school.

The Queen and Prince Philip coming here.

Next Tuesday.

Did you hear that, Mr Brown? They're coming here, the two of them, together,

in person. Him and her, together, in person.

Calm down, Miss Cockney. Don't overexcite yourself.

Who's getting overexcited? I'm being incredibly calm about the whole thing.

LAUGHTER

I've seen some strange things on toilet doors, bucks and does, lads and lasses,

setters and pointers, but I have never seen dukes and queens.

Oh, it's not for them to use. What's it for? Well, it's Miss Corkney's idea.

You see, she didn't want to offend the royal

family by letting them see toilet doors.

So I've done the best thing, I've disguised them. Oh, very diplomatic.

Right, what a waste of time it is, though, Mr Brown.

They must have loosed in Buckingham Palace. Absolutely. Is the old bat lax in yet?

The old battleaxe is here.

Well, I wasn't meaning you, Miss Courtney. Well,

I trust you are not referring to Her Majesty. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was referring to Gladys, the tea lady.

Here.

What's this for?

Well, it is not for sticking in your buttonhole.

It is to wave at the royal personages.

Are you going to change? Into what?

Well, you surely don't intend to greet our distinguished guests in that jacket.

Haven't you anything a little more formal?

I've got a black tie I wear for funerals. Here.

Well, that's better.

It's as if I'm going to a cup final.

Sidney, go and sweep the schoolyard. I swept it up once.

Well, sweep it again.

You wouldn't like me to go down on me hands and knees and scrub it, would you?

Don't be ridiculous. It wouldn't dry before they arrive.

I think I'll go and polish the silver.

What silver?

Well, I brought my silver tea set in case they wanted a drink.

Oh, perhaps the Duke would prefer a tot of rum being an ex-naval man.

Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that. Oh, well, he'll just have to make do with Sherry.

Shall I ask Gladys to make up a couple of ham rolls in case they feel a bit peckish?

Ham rolls? You can't give royalty ham rolls. This is a very special occasion.

Tell her to open a tin of salmon.

They won't want anything to eat. It is better to be prepared.

I wonder if we should have got a red carpet.

Look, why don't you go the whole hog and ask the music

class to play the national anthem as they enter?

This is supposed to be an informal visit.

I don't think you're approaching this special occasion in the right attitude.

I think you're being carried away.

Nonsense!

This is an opportunity for all the staff and students

to show their loyalty and devotion to our sovereign.

It's up to the entire school to make a good impression.

One never knows where it may lead. The New Year's honours list isn't far away.

Honours list?

Yes. A knighthood could be within your grasp. A knighthood?

Arise, Sir Jeremy.

Mr. Brown?

Yes, Your Majesty.

I beg your pardon. I thought you were the Queen. Have

you been drinking? No, just daydreaming.

Well, you had better wake up.

They are due to arrive in half an hour. Now, where are your students?

They're in the cloakroom, changing. Changing? Yes,

they insisted on wearing their national costumes.

Granice?

Granice, are you there?

What?

Oh, blimey, roll for it, can you? Well, don't

you like it? Do what? Don't you like it?

Very patriotic. I don't know whether to salute you or run you up the flagpole.

I've got a surprise for you. Yeah?

Look. Oh, boy.

That'll surprise the Duke. Surprise him? You'll paralyse him.

You're supposed to curse, you're not flatting your underwear.

Any of my stupid... Good heavens.

Hey, don't speak to her, she'll flat you her knickers.

Yeah, they will come up here, won't they? Oh, yes, I expect so, Gladys. Oh,

I do hope so. I think Prince Philip's lovely, and I've always been fond of sailors.

Hey, don't forget he belongs to the Queen. Yeah, have

you seen any of my students? They're still changing.

Ah, well, go on, tell them to hurry up, Sid.

All right, yeah, I'll get them.

Yeah, and I'd better get tidied up, too. The Duke might want to inspect my utensils.

I think this looks better on you.

Oh, my God!

All ready for your inspection, sir.

Carry on, sir.

Miss China!

Is that your national costume?

This is uniform of People's Army of Rehabilitation as prescribed by Chairman Mao.

You're not like it.

Well, I think it lacks a certain finish, a belt of ammunition,

a couple of hand grenades.

Miss India!

Very nice, Jamila. It is Jamila, isn't it?

Miss Germany! What do you think?

Very teutonic. Danke.

Miss Sweden!

Beautiful, yes. Beautiful, very. And close to? Well, I was referring to you.

Miss France!

What do you think?

Don't take a nick.

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Grease.

Are you comfortable in that, Max?

Shabid call, boss. Mr. Pakistani.

God bless Queen Elizabeth.

And not forgetting the Duke of Edinburgh.

Duke of Edinburgh?

Him also.

Mr. Italy.

Are you representing Italy or the Mafia? I represent Sicily.

Mr. Punjab!

Oh, most endearing, Ranji.

Thank you very much. Mr. Hungry!

Very pretty, Zoltan.

Thank you.

Mr. Japan!

Thank you, Pooh, I presume?

Ah, sorry.

And last but not least, Mr. Spade!

All right.

Ah.

Professor, there's still nobody. Come in. Well,

any minute now. Come on, any places, everyone.

Um, where's Sultan?

He's gone to try and find the toilet. Ah, well, that may take him a while. Now,

I'd like to stress that this visit is informal,

so that Her Majesty may not necessarily come into this classroom.

You mustn't be too disappointed if she doesn't, but if she does,

I want you all to behave just as if she weren't here. Understand?

In view of the occasion, it would seem appropriate to tell you a little of the history

of our British kings and queens. Now, it all started with the Norman conquests.

I have seen that on the television. Very funny English play.

I'm referring to the actual invasion of England by William of Normandy. It was 1066.

Wrong.

I beg your pardon?

10.66. Maybe 10.56.

It was 10.66.

60 minutes, one hour. 6 minutes past 11.00.

1066 was the year. Ha, ha, ha.

So right.

Right.

Now, William of Normandy, by the way,

does anybody know what other name he was known by?

William the... Conqueror?

Conqueror.

Hockey.

Now, he was succeeded by his third son, William Rufus, the Red King.

Oh, blimey, you are having a communist king?

No, no, he was called the Red King because of his red hair.

Jolly good.

Now, William Rufus died in 1100 after being struck by an arrow in the woods. Hey,

maybe it was Robin the Hood.

No, Robin the Hood wasn't...

Robin Hood wasn't born then. He was in the Middle Ages.

How can he be in Middle Age if he's not yet being born?

Never mind about Robin Hood, all right?

Oh, yes, very accountable. Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Brown,

but they will be here any moment now,

and I thought it would be rather nice if one of your

students were to present this to Her Majesty.

I'll do that. It is usual for a bouquet to be presented by a lady.

With that skirt, who's going to know the difference?

Come outside and I'll show you. All right, sit

down. Who do you suggest, Miss Courtney?

Well, how about Jamila? Yes. Jamila, dear, will you come here?

And for goodness sake, girl, get rid of that knitting.

Now then, Jamila, I want you to wait with me

in the hall until their majesties arrive,

and then you can present this to the queen. You curtsy first,

and then you give it to her. Now let's try that.

I am the queen. Who's got me?

No, no, no, Jamila, come on, she's just pretending.

Oh, ha, I am understand.

There you are, Queenie.

You do not speak until you are spoken to, and then

you address her as ma'am. Now, let's try again.

Ah, there you are.

Ah, er, Superintendent, I assume the wrong

couple were here. They're not coming. What?

We've had to rearrange the schedule.

Oh. They're going straight from the hospital to the town hall.

We're cutting out the visit to the school. Well, I better go and tell Miss Courtney.

There isn't time. You must come with me now. You men, follow me.

Excuse me.

Please.

My name is Mrs. Baxter.

Mochanot.

My name is Mrs. Baxter, and my husband has just joined your woodwork class.

Do you think I could have a word with him?

Uh... Hey, sit.

Now you can't! Sit, sit. Blimey! Hey, stop!

Hang on, hang on, don't go away. Try it again. Mr. Brown, she's here,

she's arrived, she's outside.

She can't be. She must have come in by the back entrance.

But don't leave her standing outside. Sydney, show her in.

So pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Where is your husband?

He's in the woodwork class.

I do hope we shall have the pleasure of meeting him later on.

This is Mr. Brown, our English teacher.

How do you do?

Ma'am.

Jamila.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, how kind.

And in this class, we are endeavouring to teach English to foreign students.

Excuse me, Miss Courtney.

Don't interrupt, Mr Brown.

Mr Brown!

All right, please yourself. Would you care for a cup of tea?

It's not too much trouble. Oh, it's no trouble at all.

You must come round and have a cup of tea with my husband and I sometime.