Original subtitles

Good evening, Sidney.

Good evening, Miss Courtney. Just giving your door a bit of a touch-up.

Did you have a nice holiday?

I had seven days in sunny Spain. Pardon?

Sunny Spain. Oh, that's nice. It rained.

Oh.

Still, I suppose you enjoyed those exotic Spanish dishes. I got food poisoning.

Oh, sorry.

Did it rain every day? Oh, no. When I got food poisoning, the sun came out.

When I got better, it went back in. Apart from the day before we left,

that was absolutely glorious. Well, at least you had one good day. I got sunburnt.

Oh, what a pity.

Oh, hello, sir. Ah, Mr Brown, welcome back. Oh, Ty, is she in? Oh, yes,

I've cleaned out your bin.

No, no, no, is she in?

Oh, oh, yes. She's in a shocking temper. Oh, well,

I'll see you later, then. Are you glad to be back?

Oh, yes, I shall miss my old class,

but I'm looking forward to the challenge of starting again with fresh minds.

I wonder how many different nationalities I'll have to deal with this term.

Pleased to meet you. Ah, well, thank you.

Do you speak any English? Hungry. Hungry? Do you want something to eat?

Hungry. Oh, Hungarian. I'll put you in my register.

What is your name?

Your name?

Name, what is your name? This is yes, and this

is no. Right, I am Mr. Brown, your teacher.

Well, I hope that was complimentary. Never mind. Do you know any English?

Good shave the queue in.

Good shave the queue in.

God save the queen.

Yes, more.

More, some more English.

Please, thank you. Good. Stones.

Stums?

I can't get no selfies back home!

Rolling, Stums. Yes! Good.

Well done. Guten Abend, Herr Braun.

I'm most happy to be seeing you again. Anna, Ranjit, what are you doing here?

We failed our exam, but we're coming back for more lessons.

That is correct. Like Robert E. Bruce said,

if at first you're not succeeding, try, try.

If at first you're not...

Never mind. Were you not expecting us?

No, the authorities don't notify the individual teachers of the results,

and as usual, Miss Courtney has kept me in the dark. She switched the lights out.

No, she never told me.

This is Zoltan.

Ranjeet.

Delighted to be making your acquaintance?

Ah, what a nice man.

He's giving me a present.

No, no, he wants you to read out something from his phrasebook. Thousand apologies.

Waiter, my soup is cold.

On this page, Ranjit.

Ah, pleased to meet you.

Thank you.

And this is Amber.

How do you do?

Yes, thank you. Would you both like to sit down? Yeah,

this time I sit at the front. Then I shall be learning quicker.

Good. I will be sitting in my custom place.

Good.

Yes, well, I was hoping for a 100% pass record, but still,

two failures out of ten is not bad.

Four failures out of ten.

Jamila, you failed.

Sorry, Masterji, but maybe next time I am whining, huh?

I'm sure you mean winning.

And you, Taro? Arsehole!

Close your face!

Not good for Japanese.

First, consider Harry Carrier.

Then decide to come back for more lessons. If no pass next time, I'll be!

Just make sure you don't do it on the classroom floor.

Well, as you can see, you are not alone. This is Zoltan, Jamila, and Taro.

Pleased to meet you.

Good evening.

Jamila, you want your place back here? No, no, I sit at backside with tarot.

No, Jamila, you will sit at the back. Backside is what you sit on.

No, Master Ji, what I sit on is chair.

I can see why you failed.

Juan, don't tell me you failed.

Sorry, I not tell you.

You don't need to tell me, I know.

Ah, you plenty smart.

It's more than I can say for you.

Por favor.

Never mind. Oh, this is Zoltan, this is Juan.

How you do? For me, eh?

He's just trying to say that he's pleased to meet you. He doesn't speak any English.

Ah, sorry, I taste it.

That would be like the blind leading the blind. Blind?

He don't see.

You feel, you feel. No. He's not blind.

I was just using a... Oh, never mind.

Sit down.

Okay.

I sit here.

Good afternoon.

Good evening.

I here come to English learn.

I come here to learn English.

We together sit.

We can't do that.

What is matter? There's wrong something with me?

No, there's wrong nothing with you.

I'm very much like you.

Yeah, well, I am your teacher.

Teacher? You're too young to be teacher.

Oh, thank you.

Is that your name?

Ja.

Ingrid Svensson.

Ingrid Svensson. I take it you're Swedish? Ja.

Where from?

Stockholm.

Stockholm.

And what is your job?

Au pair.

Which pair?

Oh, no. Well, where shall we sit you?

Let's sit here with me.

There is also a place here beside me.

Here, please. Well, I think we'll sit you at the front for the time being.

Here, thank you.

Well, you're sitting next to Juan, and behind you is Ranjit.

At the back are Taro and Jamila.

She is Anna, and he is Zoltan.

And I am Ali.

Charlie, not you as well. As well as what, please? You failed. Oh, yes,

but I'm getting 20 out of 100.

Well, it's nothing to be proud of. You should get at least 50 marks to pass 20.

It's disgraceful. Oh, no.

Last year, I'm not getting anything at all.

I'm getting more and more better. I see it.

Squeeze, please.

Pleased to get up.

What for?

That is my seat.

I not see name in seat.

Get your big Spanish bottom out of my chair.

You talk to me like that, I punch you.

No, that's enough. Seats are not reservable. Sit somewhere else, Ali.

Okay, I sit at the back.

You big Spanish bull. Come on.

I will just wait a few more moments in case there are any more new students.

Buonasera! Buonasera!

Buonasera!

It's just like old times. Yes, a big surprise, eh, professore? Well,

let's say it's more of a disappointment.

Oh, but I'm not disappointed to be back.

Who's that?

This is Ingrid. She is Swedish.

She's also sitting in my seat. You will move, yes? I will move, no.

You can come and sit next to me. No, you're sitting next to me.

That's right. You sit next to Giovanni and Max, because I want to sit here.

I'm sorry, Danielle, but I think it's important

that new students should sit at the front.

I don't like you.

Sir Barry?

You can come and sit next to me. Hey, sit between us.

Okay.

Well, I must say that I am extremely disappointed in you all.

It's not your fault, professore.

We not pass because we're stupid.

And what does that make me?

More stupid.

Exactly. Out of ten students, I have nine failures.

Very sorry, I'm late.

Congratulations. You're getting ten out of ten. Well,

I really don't know what to say.

Oh, blimey.

If you're not knowing what to say, how are you going to be to Jess?

I'll ignore that stupid remark.

Jolly good.

Because you have all failed, I have failed. It's perfectly true. Now, this term,

I want much more effort from all of you. You must all pull your socks up.

No, I was speaking figuratively. Never mind.

We must all concentrate much harder this term. Now,

we shall start at the beginning again. Only this term,

I shall be giving you twice as much homework as last.

And I want 100% effort from all of you.

Right.

Now, tonight, I thought we'd start by you each telling

me what you've been doing during the holidays. Please. Yes, Sultan.

I do not understand what you are saying.

Yeah, well, never mind. Just keep quiet and listen.

Never mind. Eh, un momentito, un momentito.

I speak.

No, Bocciano. No, speak.

Thank you, Wanda. Sorry.

Right, now, what have you been doing with yourself, Jamila?

Ahem.

Masterji, I am went on holy days to visit all my family.

Ah, you went to Bombay?

Bombay? Nah, Birmingham.

Birmingham, the Mecca of the Midlands.

And you, Taro?

Ah, so.

But what did you get up to? I went on a fishing

holiday. Oh, good. Did you catch anything?

Catch heavy cold.

Did you enjoy your break, Ali?

I'm not breaking anything.

You're on holiday.

Oh, jolly good. I'm learning how to be driving

a motor car. Good. That's very useful.

When do you take your test?

Oh, blimey. I'm already failing my test.

The examiner man was jumping out of the car. And I was going down a hilly.

I expect you were going too fast.

Oh, no.

I was going backwards.

Right.

What did you do, Suli?

Spent time lighting.

Lighting what?

Lighting book.

Oh, book.

What sort of book are you writing?

It's called The Democratic Way of Life, all about Grawlier's freedom-loving Chinese.

I see, a work of fiction.

Tell us what you did with yourself, Ranjit.

I have been looking after my cousin while her husband

has been away. Oh, that's very commendable.

He is being discharged this week. Discharged? Has he been in hospital? No, prison.

And he's been sent to prison for something he didn't do. Really? What didn't he do?

He didn't run fast enough.

Tell us what you did, Giovanni.

I went to Marsgate.

Excuse me.

I met this fantastic girl.

She had the biggest... Shall we all get your meaning?

Every day, we used to go on the sands for a bit.

For a while.

Excuse me? To go on the sands for a while.

To say that you went on the sands for a bit could imply

that you were doing, well, something naughty.

That's right, we were very naughty on the sands.

Mr. Brown, Miss Courtney wants you straight away. Oh, thank you, Sid. Well,

I suggest you all take an early tea break and we continue with this later.

Please.

Yes, Sultan.

Look, no, you really must start to speak.

Speak!

Yes, please.

You're not a girl.

You... Ah, you have a girlfriend.

Girl, English. An English girlfriend. You.

Me, right. Oh, you want me to write a letter to your girlfriend? Please.

Ah, what do you want me to write?

Bociano.

Yes.

What...

I write.

I think I get the general idea. Sidney!

Yes, Miss Courtney. Did you tell Mr Brown that I wished to see him?

Oh, yes, definitely.

I think this should be all right.

Dear Miss, I'm writing to tell you of my feelings for you.

I think you are beautiful.

I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you.

Please say you feel the same about me.

All my love...

Thank you.

What is going on in here?

Oh, nothing. Well, it certainly doesn't look like nothing. Ah, well,

I was just writing a letter for Zoltan to his girlfriend,

and he was showing me his appreciation in Hungarian.

Kindly leave us.

Bočanot.

Go.

I said go. Go.

Now, Mr Brown, I understand that none of your previous

students passed their Lower Cambridge certificate.

Ah, well, I think there were a few near misses. That is not good enough.

Obviously, Mr Brown, you are sadly lacking in the

necessary qualities required to teach English.

Ah, just a moment.

Don't interrupt.

I shall be keeping a very close eye on you this term, Mr Brown,

and unless I see a marked improvement, out you go.

Well, it's not necessary... I have no wish to listen to your feeble excuses.

Compass or cow?

What was that?

Oh, I said, I'm just going now.

Hey, you not speak nothing?

He's not knowing the English as well as what we are knowing.

I speak with him.

Oh, blimey. He speak Hungarian.

Sure I speak a darn Aryan.

You see, I told you I speak the language. Yeah.

You like England, no?

Yeah, I also very much like it, yeah.

You not make the eyes at Mr. Brown.

If I want, I will.

Mr. Brown does not like the blonde ladies. Swedish girl are the beautifulest.

Trouble with Swedish girl, they are too big in the bosom.

French girls are too big in the mouth.

In China, rules are not important.

It is planes and interact that matter. Absolutely. Yeah, Su Li is right.

We women are not symbols from sex.

You agree, Jamila?

I no understanding. We women are not here to give the men the pleasure.

I like give men pleasure.

Trying to find a few winners?

Ah, no, Mr Brown, just trying to find out if I can afford to leave the wife. Pardon?

Premium bonds. I could be lucky.

Somebody's got to win it. How many bonds have you got? One.

You're as bad as me. I've only got one. 1-double-F-2-3-2-3-2.

You've got a good memory, haven't you? Ah, it's not a difficult one.

1-double-F-2-3-2-3-2. That's right.

Hey, that's it.

That's what? 1-double-F-2-3-2-3-2. I don't believe it.

Here, you sure you've got the right cucumber? Cucumber?

The number!

Yes, I've got my bond here. I'm positive. Look, 1-double-F-2-3-2-3-2. That's right.

Under £1,000. What are you going to do with it?

What am I going to do? Celebrate, of course.

Gladys.

Yes, Mr Brown?

Coffee's all round.

Right, quiet, everybody, listen. I want to read you all my letter of resignation.

No, no, I am definitely resigning. With £100,000, I no longer need to teach English.

That's true.

Right, dear Dracula... This is to inform you that I think you are a rude,

obnoxious and self-opinionated old dragon.

And if ever I see you again, it'll be too soon.

Yours disrespectfully, Jeremy Brown.

Right, Alan. Yes, please.

Do me a favour and see that Miss Courtney gets this straight away. Jelly good.

Thank you.

Please.

Oh, yes, Zoltan, your letter. There we are.

Wait, Gladys, where's Sid's paper?

Oh, he went with it, took it with him. Took it with him? I got a paper, Mr Brown.

Oh, great, Max, thank you.

There we are.

Ernie's lucky winner, £100,000.

And today's number is 1EF2323... Wait a minute, that's not right.

1EF, it was 1 double F in the other one.

We apologise for the misprint in our earlier edition.

LAUGHTER I haven't won anything.

So you will not be resignating after all?

Resigning.

That letter to Miss... Hello, please.

Ali, the letter to Miss Courtney. She's not in the office. Oh, thank God.

Mr. Brown, Mr. Nadine, would you wish to see me?

No. Oh, yes, please. This is for you.

Thank you. I want another word with you, Mr. Brown. Come into the office.

Close the door.

I'll just see what this letter is first.

Oh, I shouldn't bother if I were you. You never know where it's been.

It could be full of jokes.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous.

You know, I seem to recognise this writing.

It looks remarkably like yours, Mr Brightman.

Oh, it's nothing like mine. It just looks like mine.

Oh, well, I'd better open it.

I think I'll go.

I haven't finished with you yet.

You will have when you've read that letter.

I beg your pardon?

Nothing.

Miss Courtney.

I have never read anything like this in my life. I can explain. Just listen to this.

I'd rather not.

Dear Miss, I am writing to tell you of my feelings for you.

You see, I thought I'd want to... I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you.

You did write this letter, Mr. Brown. Oh, yeah, well, not to you. Well,

you picked the letter you were writing for that Hungarian student.

Yes, you see, what must have happened... You don't need to go on.

I mean, it's obvious he's been smitten by my charm and beauty. Pardon?

I have told you before, Mr. Brown...

That I do have this strange fascination for the opposite sex.

Oh, yes. Very strange.

You may not believe this, Mr. Brown, but when I was a young girl, I was very plain.

A cup of tea, please, Padders.

Everything hockey, Mr Brown? Yes,

I must have put Zoltan's letter to his girlfriend in my envelope to Miss Courtney.

Hey, he's not going to be very happy. Why not?

He's just gone to give the letter you write to Miss Courtney to his girlfriend.

Oh!