Original subtitles

Good evening, all.

Oh, hello, Seed. Hey, how you doing? Do what? How you doing?

Oh, thanks very much. I'll have a pint.

I said, how you doing? Not what you're having. Do what?

Never mind. Come on.

Oh.

Hello, Curly. What can I get you?

How about excited?

You are the 500th person to say that tonight. You win our star award, a beer mat.

Oh, thanks.

And a pint for Sid. Thelma Ritter.

Thelma Ritter, eh?

I'm Giovanni Cabello.

Oh, that's not a name. Thelma Ritter means a pint of bitter.

It's cockney rhyming slang.

Ah, sure, I remember.

Forty-two pence.

And a packet of salted peas nuts, please.

Cheers. Thanks a lot.

Hey, how's the Las Vegas kid doing, huh? Terrible.

You never win nothing on this machine.

I tell you, he's fixed.

Oh, no, lady behind bar telling me it is nearly time

for somebody to be winning in the jack-in-the-putt.

I try again.

But this time I'm not looking.

See, I tell you, you not win nothing.

Ah, yes, but I'm getting three bars, look. If I'm holding them,

next time I'll be winning.

You have already spent one pound. Yes, but if I'm getting another bar,

I'll be collecting five pounds.

Oh, dearie me, I'm not having any more tenpies.

Could you be changing this, please? Sorry, Ali, I spent all my change. Maxi.

I ain't got any tenpies.

I'll be losing the jack in the pot.

Ah, professore! Good evening. Good evening, Mr. Brown.

Hey, you want to tell me ritter? Pardon?

Tell me ritter, bitter.

You've been talking to Sid the caretaker again. Good help.

Sure, he's teaching me more of his cockeyed slanging rhyme.

Cockney. Ah, scusi. Flax.

Yes, Mr. Brown. It's a point of interest.

Do you happen to remember what a cockney is?

Sure.

He's someone who was born near the sound of Bo's bulls. Bells.

OK.

You want a drink? No, thanks. I just called for some cigarettes.

Excuse me, please, Mr. Brown.

Would you be having changes for a pound to be putting in the machine? Oh,

you're wasting your money, Ellie.

Oh, no, I'm sure to be winning. I'm holding three bars.

Oh, well, it's your money. Let's have a look.

Good evening, everybody. Excuse me.

Hey, what are you doing, you damn fool?

I'm having a go on this machine you've picked.

That is my winning. How can they be your winnings?

I am putting the money for 10p in. Here is your 10p.

That is my money, you bearded bandit. Why don't you share the money?

That's a good idea if there's five of us.

That's one pound each.

I meant between Ali and Ranjit, then you've both won.

You are as wise as a holy guru. Thank you.

Actually, it's time you're all back at school. It's your exams tomorrow.

You should take every opportunity to study. I know.

Okie-kokie.

Come on, Ali, you too. Call it all.

Waiter!

Pardon?

Gin and tonic and a lager, please.

I'm afraid you're making a mistake.

Ridiculous. I know what I want.

Gin and tonic for me and a lager for my husband. He's just parking the car.

Now, look, madam, you don't understand. I am a schoolteacher.

Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it's quite commendable that you should supplement

your income by working in a public house.

Look, I'm not what you think I am. No,

I'm not interested in your personal problems.

I just want a gin and a tonic and a lager. Yes.

Now.

A gin and tonic and a lager.

Hello, Mr. Brown. Hello, Sid. How are you?

I'll have a gold watch. Pardon?

Scotch. I wasn't offering you a drink. Do what? Oh, never mind.

Scotch for Sid. 20 cigarettes for me and a gin

and tonic and a lager for that lady over there.

She thinks I'm a waiter.

You're a what? She thinks I'm a waiter.

Oh.

How long you been doing it, then? What?

Just waiting on luck. I don't wait. I'm not a waiter. Do what?

Never mind.

Um, £1.60, please.

Yeah, well, actually, these two drinks are for that lady and gentleman over there.

Yeah, they've still got to be paid for, haven't they? Yes, but...

All right, well, I'll pay for them, and they can pay me later.

How much is it just for the gin and tonic and the larder?

72. All right.

Cheers. Good health. Ah, good health.

Here we are. 72p, please.

Didn't I say you'd take a drink of my lager?

Yeah, but it was only a sip. Oh, yes,

I suppose you were tasting it to make sure it was fit to drink.

No, no, no, it was purely accidental.

I have a good mind to report you to the brewery.

Frankly, I couldn't care less what you do.

Your attitude is typical of the working-class mentality.

It's people like you that are ruining the country. You're nothing but a peasant.

And you, sir, are a bourgeois snob.

72p, please. I refuse to pay for a drink that has

been contaminated by your lips. Sir? I see.

Well, all right, don't pay.

You have it on me.

There you go. Silence! This is disgraceful.

Ten minutes past seven and Mr Brown has not arrived.

Oh, but you're mistaken. He's here.

Isn't he, Anna? Yeah.

That's right. He's always early. Yes, please.

Tonight he was here so early that he was here ten minutes before he arrived.

Who?

He's just gone out.

Oh, and where has he gone out to?

A toilet.

I beg your pardon?

A tea room.

Would you like to try again? What they mean is, first he goes to the tea room,

then the toilet. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Miss Cockney, sorry I'm late.

Oh, but you're not.

Really?

According to your students, you were here all the time.

Ah, yes, well... Well, where exactly were you?

But we told you... I am asking Mr Brown.

Well?

Ah, yes, um... LAUGHTER And what is going on?

I don't know, but from their sign language,

I think they're trying to say that I was having a cup of tea in the toilet.

LAUGHTER Actually, Miss Courtney, I'll tell you the truth. I am late,

and the reason is this. I just popped across to the pub for some cigarettes,

was mistaken for a waiter,

bought two drinks for two people I'd never even met before, was called a peasant,

and finished up by pouring a glass of lager over a gentleman's head.

You're an even bigger liar than your students.

I would have thought that you would have made an effort to be early this evening.

After all, it is your last chance to teach them

something before they take their exams tomorrow.

Yes, Miss Courtney, you're quite right, as usual.

Not that I think any of them have the remotest chance of passing.

Come on, sit in your places, please.

She thinks we're all stupid. Well, I think she's got a point.

Yes, one.

What do you think about this exam? You think we pass?

Do I think you'll pass? One, for the past 13 weeks,

you've all been coming here to study, right?

13 weeks of hard work, diligence and application, 13 weeks of blood,

toil and sweat. Slowly, little by little, you have improved.

When you sit down to take your examination tomorrow,

I have no doubts whether you'll pass or not.

You haven't a cut in hells, Charlie.

LAUGHTER Quiet, quiet.

Blimey, you're not giving us any confidence.

Maybe some of you may manage to scrape through,

but I shall be most surprised if you all pass.

I shall pass to prove superiority of Republic of China.

Yes, well, we'll see about that. In the meantime,

I want tonight to talk about the exam, and afterwards,

if you have any questions about any points you're not sure of, then just ask,

and I'll do my best to answer them.

Excuse, please. Not yet, Taro. I want to talk about the exam first,

and then you can ask a question.

Ask off.

Now, the first thing is, I shall not be taking you.

Excuse, please, Masterji.

Where will you not be taking us to?

I mean that I shan't be here tomorrow when you take your exam.

Oh, jolly good. We can be reading all the answers from our books.

There will be somebody here.

Oh, dear.

I am thinking I am going to be up a gummy tree.

In any case, you're not supposed to cheat.

It's customary for another teacher from another

school to take an examination of this kind.

Excuse me, please. Later, Taro, please.

Okay. Now, when you take your examination,

the Lower Cambridge Certificate isn't too difficult.

The exam is divided into three parts, right? First there's an oral examination,

then a written one, and then comes dictation.

Is that his name?

Is that whose name?

The man who is going to be taking us to be doing

the examination. Dictation. Dictation.

Dictation is when a person reads something out

aloud and another person copies it down.

Ah, like the short finger typist.

Or hand typist.

Yes, please.

Excuse me, please. You can ask your question in a moment, Tara. All right.

When you've completed your examination, the papers are taken away to be marked,

and you'll be notified of the results by post,

so please make sure that you write your names clearly on your papers.

A Christian name and your surname.

I cannot do that. Why not? I'm not a Christian.

If you want to be pedantic about it, Ranjeet, write your surname and forename.

I'm not having forenames also.

The prefix for in this case is spelt F-O-R-E

and means first. For example, forefinger.

Un momentito, un momentito.

Forefinger, one thumb.

No, not forefingers. Si, si.

A one, a two, a three, a four.

This is my forefinger.

No, that's only one finger.

I wonder if I should cancel tomorrow. Never mind.

Excuse, please. Yes, you can ask your question now, Tara.

Requests permission to visit.

Thank you.

Right, has anybody else got a question? Yes.

After tomorrow, will we see you again?

Well, that depends on so many things,

whether I'm engaged for another term or whether any of you decide,

whatever the results of your exam, to come back for a further course.

I will give you my address, and you can come and see me any time.

Quiet, quiet.

Mr. Bryan, can you spare a moment, please?

Certainly. I suggest you all study your verbs until I return.

As you know, another teacher will be taking the exams tomorrow.

Yes.

Now, the gentleman who used to be the principal

of this college will be supervising your class.

He's in the office now, and I thought it might be a good idea if you met him.

Oh, I'd like to.

Do try to make a good impression.

It does no harm if he is favourably disposed towards you.

This is our English teacher, Mr Brown.

Oh, gee. Small world, isn't it?

Good evening, Mr Capello. All ready for your examination?

Sure. Everything's going to be okey-cokey.

Buona sera, everybody. Has anybody got a pen?

Here, but please remember who it belongs to.

Sure, I remember. Hey, Ari, what are you doing?

I tell you, I've just been studying my verbs,

so I'm going to write them down on my hand so I don't forget.

Typical of Western dishonesty. No, I think it's a good idea. Hey,

you want to write verb tenses too? No, I'm hokey on verbs, but no good on pronouns.

So write the pronouns. No need.

I already write them on handkerchief.

Smart.

It is wrong to cheat. Don't you agree, Ali?

Not at all. I am also cheating.

You also have got something written on your handkerchief?

No, it is in my head.

This is terrible. If you're found out, you'll be disqualified.

Old Japanese philosopher, he say, man who deals from bottom usually end up on top.

You as well?

Terror not good.

Adverbs.

So, have some written.

Ah, good evening, everyone.

Nice to see you all bright and early. I expect you're feeling a bit nervous.

I am not nervous. Oh, good.

I am putrefied.

Petrified.

Yeah, well, do your best.

Listen, I'm not supposed to be here, so I shall be in the pub, all right? Ah.

But if you all call in when you've finished your exam,

I'll buy you all an end-of-term drink. Well, good luck, Taro.

Thank you.

You must be nervous. It's the first time you haven't stood up and bowed.

Good luck, Juan.

Muchisimas gracias.

Good luck, Giovanni.

Thanks, professore.

You're not too nervous to shake hands, are you?

Ah, si, I'm very nervous.

Oh, nonsense. Come on, there, that didn't hurt, did it?

Not a lot.

Ranjit, that's funny. Where did that ink come from?

Maybe your pen has got a leak.

Let me see your hand, Giovanni.

There's nothing there, professore. The other one.

There's nothing there either.

But there's something there, though, isn't there?

Oh, no!

My pen's got a leak as well.

I suppose while it was leaking, it just happened to write a few verbs down.

Sorry, Professor, my verbs is a bit bad. Yeah, well,

I suggest you clean all that off. I don't seem to have a handkerchief myself.

Max has got a handkerchief. I don't have a handkerchief.

What's that sticking out of your top pocket?

Oh, that?

That's not a proper handkerchief.

Maybe Ali's got a proper handkerchief.

Let me see that handkerchief, Max.

I see. Pronouns are your weak point. That's right.

I'll keep this.

What other little tricks have you all been up to, Ellie? You're very quiet.

Are you keeping something under your hat?

Oh, blimey!

How are you guessing that?

I didn't.

And while I think of it, Taro, would you like to stand up, please?

Very ingenious.

All right, Juan, where's your... Where's your little crib hidden?

Por favor.

Never mind, por favor. I know it's somewhere. It's written all over your face. No.

I'm writing, I think. This is no laughing matter. Come on, Juan, where is it?

Eh, on the table.

We're not cheap.

Prefer to pass exam on old mallets.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Glad to hear it.

Some last-minute coaching, Brown? No, no, I just came to wish them good luck.

They're going to need more than luck. Goodbye, Mr Brown.

Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday.

Goodbye, Mr Brown. Goodbye.

Now, I want absolute silence during this examination. Understand? Same again.

Don't you think you've had enough?

How could I have had enough? I'm still standing.

Yeah, you've been to the loo twice.

Ah, that doesn't mean anything.

Oh, yes, it does. Last time, you went in the ladies. Ah, you're making that up!

Oh, hello, Sid. Same again. Thank you.

I'll have a bit of Please Mavis and whatever Sid's drinking.

Sid tells me you're not married.

That's right, I'm not.

I'm not married as well.

Oh, congratulations.

I haven't even got a boyfriend. Really?

How about you?

No, I haven't got a boyfriend either. I'm not a regular one, anyway. Look,

have a drink with me, all right?

Here's a quid.

Here, I'll sit. There's your pigs out. Pigs here. Here.

You're learning, aren't you? Good help.

How's your Lil?

She's still living.

You don't mean that. Do you know, when I was courted,

I used to worship the ground she walked on.

Now I worship the ground that's coming to her. That's

not a very nice thing to say. No, it's more sincere.

You take my tip, son, you stay single. I've got no choice at the moment.

I can't afford to get married. Still, I've got Josephine.

Who's Josephine? Is that your beer crumpet? No, my Siamese cat.

Well, my students will be hard at it by now. Yeah, there is a lot of it about.

I was talking about the exam.

Oh.

I'm going to miss them next term.

Yeah, well, cheer up, son. What you want is another drink. What a good idea. Yeah,

and this time I'll have a pint.

Penny for them.

I was just wondering how my students were getting on with their exam.

Oh, I expect they'll be all right.

I hope so. I wonder what to do with myself now that term's over in the evenings.

Yeah, it must get a bit lonely for you, living on your own.

Oh, I don't live on my own exactly. I've got Josephine.

Oh.

Yeah, she's a marvellous... I mean, I wonder what to do without her.

She's very affectionate.

Every morning she wakes me up by nibbling in my ear.

Oh, that must be nice for you.

I didn't allow her in the bedroom at first.

She wasn't as clean as she might be. She used to sleep in the bathroom.

Oh, that sounds a bit uncomfortable.

Oh, no, she was quite happy on the floor.

She must think a lot of you to put up with that.

Oh, she does. Every evening when I come home,

she runs up to me and rubs her body against my leg.

Oh, he does?

She's Siamese.

Oh, well, that explains it.

Trouble is, like most Siamese, she's inclined to be a bit oversexed.

Yeah, she sounds it.

I'm thinking of having her doctored.

Why are you such a nice fellow? Pardon? Oh, never mind.

Where's Sid? Oh, he's gone back to the school. That is, if he can find his way back.

Sid?

Oh, yes, Miss Chapney?

You reek of drink. Are you pardon? Drink. If you insist.

Don't we do a sherry?

You've had more than enough already. Oh, thank you.

Oh, have you finished?

Yes, please. How do you do? Oh, I'm very well. How do you do?

I mean, how did you get on with your exams?

Oh, but we hope we haven't let Monsieur Brown down.

Ah, Miss Courtney.

Would you care for a sherry before you go?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

I do sit down.

Oh, it takes me back, you know.

Here in the old office.

I expect you miss the hurly-burly of school life.

Yes, I sleep nights now.

There we are.

Oh, thank you.

You know, Miss Courtney, I didn't know that you indulge.

Well, I don't really. Just the occasional sherry.

Oh.

Ready for another?

Well, have you all got a drink?

Well, I'd just like to say I wish you all every success.

It's been great teaching you, and, well, I shall miss you.

You have been giving us much wisdom.

I am so sad.

You are a wonderful teacher.

We never forget our English teachers.

You are nice as impiliar as I've met.

Professor, it's been a real pleasure.

You see, it won't be the same next time.

We owe you big debt over there. Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Good health.

Ah, well, I really must be going. I'm meeting my wife.

Oh, just one moment before you go, Mr Short.

How do you think the foreign students got on with their exams?

Terrible.

How do you think you got on with your exam? Fantastic.

In answer to the question, what is a sentence, the chappy in a turban answered,

a sentence is what you get when you're sent to prison.

The questions are being very easy to answer.

To the question, what is the past participle of I write,

the Spanish fellow answered, I have rotten.

I answer, everything OK.

And the Chinese lady was writing backwards.

Of course, I don't know how they answered their other questions,

but if what I saw is anything to go by,

then I should be very surprised if any of them passed.

Goodbye, Miss Courtney.

Well, I'm very proud of you all. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Right, shall we have another drink? Yes!

Whose round is it? Yours!

Yours!

Waiter?

What are you doing with my wife?

Nothing, I was just... You stupid fool!

Let me buy you both a drink.

Oh, no, no, no, please, please, please, have this one on me!