Original subtitles

What are these?

Seek underwear from Ranjeet.

Oh, well, I suppose we can always ask the needlework class to sew up the flies

and take a bit off the legs and put them in as a pair of football shorts.

Swords of Chairman Mao. No need to ask where that came from.

Nope.

Danielle?

Max.

I beg your pardon? He swears he found it in his pocket.

There's no idea how it got there.

Likely story.

Well, you better bring this along to my office later,

and we'll lock it up with all the rest of the staff until Saturday.

Very well.

By the way, we've got one.

One what?

Don't you ever read the notice board? I don't get a lot. Obviously not.

There has been a notice on the board for the past two weeks to the effect

that we were hoping to get a celebrity to open our school fates.

Oh, yes, I remember now. Who have you got?

Robert Dougal.

You remember? He used to read the news.

I've got the art class making stickers with his name on to put across the posters.

Buenas noches, señora.

Ah, good evening, Mr. Cervantes. How's your English?

Por favor.

Your English?

Yo English. Mi Spanish.

I'm sorry I asked.

Everybody's coming pronto. I come first to talk how you say ombre tu ombre.

Man to man. Eh, so right.

I have met a beautiful senorita.

No, no, no. I have met a beautiful girl.

Eh, just like me.

What's her name?

No, no, no. I haven't met anyone. I was merely correcting your English. Eh, Spanish.

Yep. Why?

Eh, so right, so right.

Well, I want to take Rita, that's her name, away for the weekend holiday.

But she lives with her mother,

and she think maybe her mother not let her come away with me. What can I do?

Why don't you ask her mother? I don't want to go away with her mother.

Ask Rita's mother if you can go away with her on holiday.

You think she'd say yes?

I've no idea. What are your intentions?

Por favor.

I'll be blunt. Are you hoping to get Rita into your room?

No.

Good.

Not my room. Her room. Only move one.

Yeah, well, in that case, I can't help you. You just have to make your own decision.

Yes, all right.

Yes.

Squish, please.

I'm buying you a cup of tea. Oh, thank you, Ali.

I am buying you a chocolate biscuit. Oh, thank you, Ranjit.

Unfortunately, while I'm coming from the canteen, I am eating it. Oh, well,

never mind. It's the thought that counts.

Cheers.

That's funny.

What is it? This tea tastes like coffee.

Excuse, please.

It is tasting like coffee.

Oh, blimey. That is explaining it.

Explaining what? All the time I've been in the canteen,

I'm thinking my coffee is tasting like tea.

Oh, never mind. I don't think I'll bother. Sit down, everybody.

Right, we've still got a lot to do tonight.

Um, Max.

Would you put that cigar out, please?

Sorry, boss. Right, now, before we go any further,

I want to talk to you about the school fete. We are looking forward to it.

Has he got someone famous to open it?

Yes, Robert Dougal.

Never heard of him.

I only see him on television, Master G.

Dougal, Florence, and 17.

That's a doggie sort of Dougal. This is Robert Dougal,

who used to be a newsreader, only he's retired now.

That's no good.

It's much better we get somebody who reads the news now, like that Angela Ripoff.

Ripon.

Scusi.

I am liking the other one better, Annie Minnie.

Annie Minnie?

She's reading the news on ITV. Anna Ford?

Wrong car.

Miss Courtney should have asked me.

What for?

You're not famous.

No, but I'm a big friend of famous men on television.

Another one of your fairies' tales.

It's true.

He's a big star of Celebrity Square Eyes.

And he's not Bob Monkeyhouse.

Willie Rushington.

No, the cockney man. Well, Arthur Mullard. Yeah, that's him. You know him well.

Like a brother.

He would have been very happy to come and hope on the fete.

Well, it's too late now. We've already got Mr. Dougal. Now,

what I would really like to know is what each of

you are doing to help the fete to raise money.

As you know, whatever we take goes to charity,

so we obviously want to make as much as we can.

It's what we think of. We make a fortune.

Good.

Tell me what you're doing, Anna.

Jamila and me, we bring some bathroom scales, and we charge 2p for one vein.

That's an excellent idea. Ali, what are you doing?

Oh, Ranjit and I having a very good game.

We are putting empty tins on a piece of wood, and for only 5p,

you can be throwing three bollies to be knocking them down.

Are there any prizes? Oh, yes, please. If you are knocking three tins down,

you are winning one pound. I don't want to worry you, Ali,

but you could lose money on that.

Oh, no, you are being mistaken.

Nobody is knocking down your one tint.

Well, why not?

We are nailing the tins to the piece of... Very ingenious.

What are you doing?

Ah, I make plenty money with Daniel.

Doing what?

Selling kisses.

Oh, so we have plenty fun.

How much are you selling your kisses for? 5p, 10p, and 15p.

Oh, what's the difference?

I show you.

For 5p, you kiss on the one cheek.

For 10p, you kiss on the both cheek.

And for 15p...

Hey, I'd buy one of them 15p kisses.

I don't kiss you. Not a you, Daniel, you great Spanish paella.

You don't speak to me like that, you macaroni face.

All right, what'll do, sit down and behave yourself. That means you. Right, Max,

what have you in mind for Saturday?

I tell you.

Then Bosch ask me to tell him.

We both tell him.

Okay.

We got a great idea. We got a great idea. Jam-a-jars. Jam-a-jars.

Jam-a-jars? That's right. That's right. You're beginning to sound like an echo, Max.

Do you have to repeat everything Giovanni says? Sorry, Bosch. First,

we get the jam-jars. First, we get the jam-jars.

You start.

Excuse me.

We put the jam jars on the floor. And people try to throw 10p into a jam jar.

If they miss, we keep the 10p.

And if they get one in? They win 5p. We cut the noise! Lemonade?

Yeah, I don't think you'll get too many takers. Taro?

Arsehole!

Are you doing anything? Yes, sir.

Swap or shop? Swap or what? Oh, swap. Shop.

Oh, yes. Mr. Brown, Mr. Courtney asked me to remind you to take your jambalaya.

Ah, thank you, Sid. I'll be there straight away. Right, I shan't be a minute.

In the meantime, would you turn to page 130 and study the chapter on claws analysis?

Max, would you clean the board? OK, boss.

Oh, no.

Well, how awful.

Are you sure? Oh, dear.

Yes, well, thank you very much for telling me. Goodbye.

Bad news?

Extremely.

Mr Dougal has flu. He is confined to bed.

Oh, great. There goes our celebrity.

Well, now what are we going to do? We've got nowhere to open the fate.

Just a minute. Max. Max?

The Greek?

Well, he's not a celebrity.

No, no, no, but apparently he knows Arthur Mollard. You know, that TV chappie?

Oh, yes, I think I know the one you mean. Speaks a bit like Sidney. That's him.

Oh, well, I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

You think Mr Papandreas could get this, Mr Mallard?

Mallard?

Mallard, yes.

Why don't we go and ask him?

What a good idea, Mr Papandreas.

Right, Max, I wonder why I'm with you.

I was telling Miss Courtney that you know Arthur Mollard.

Oh, come on, speak up!

Max, how many times do I have to tell you? Smoking is not allowed.

Well, never mind about that now, Mr. Brown.

You know this Mr. Mallard really well, do you?

We are just like that.

He'd do anything for me.

And you say he'd be happy to open our fate? Sure he would.

Oh, I expect he's far too busy.

For me, he'd drop anything.

Good. Then you can ask him to open our fate on Saturday.

I'll play.

I'll ask him to... What?

Tell him to be there by 12 o'clock.

We'll pay his expenses, of course. Oh, thank you, Mr Papadrias,

you have saved the day. Now come along, Mr Brown.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

You don't look very happy.

I'm not very happy.

Oh, blimey, I'm thinking he's dropping clinker.

Fair is tales, Max.

I did meet him once.

When?

Two years ago.

I shot next to him on a bus.

Hello, Greg. Here, have you heard the news? Eh?

They've got Arthur Mallard.

Why, what's he done?

Look at the paint. He's going to open the fate. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I think he's lovely.

He's down at the Red Line over the weekend pushing down a pile of pennies. Here.

Do you think I can get his autograph?

You'd fit to get somebody who could speak a bit better than him, wouldn't you?

Well, what's the matter with the way he speaks? He speaks just like you. Yeah,

he don't speak nothing like me. He's common.

What are you going to do, Max?

What about?

About your great big celebrity friend that you do not know.

Nothing?

You've got to do something, Max.

Don't worry.

I fix everything.

After class, I go to the pub and telephone Miss Courtney.

I tell her I just spoke to my good friend, Arthur,

and he will be delighted to come and hope in the fete.

Unfortunately, he's already engaged.

Why don't you tell the truth?

I don't think he knows what truth means.

Have you all been studying clause analysis?

Good, right, books away, please. Right, Ali, what is an adverbial clause?

Oh, blimey.

Anybody?

Right, well, then I suggest for your homework,

you all write out the chapter on clause analysis.

Right, it's time to go now.

See you all at the Fate on Saturday.

Max?

Yes, boss? When will you know about Arthur Mullard?

I go to phone him from pub now. Right.

Oh, listen, Max, use Miss Courtney's phone. I'm sure she won't mind. It's OK, boss.

Much better if I phone from pub.

Yeah, well, will you let Miss Courtney and me know as soon as you've spoken to him?

We'll be here for a while, yeah? OK.

What do you think of that, Nathan? That's very nice, Sid.

Going in for modelling, Sid? No, just trying on the jacket.

Miss Courtney said everything on the row was a fiver. And very reasonable.

Can I pay you now, cos I won't be at the fete?

That day is not until after the pub show. I don't see why not.

If we can't have first choice, who can?

Ah, well, there's my fiver. Right, I'll see Miss Courtney gets it later.

Will you be going to the fete, ladders?

Oh, I wouldn't miss Arthur Mullard for anything.

Steady now, Arthur. We don't want it knocked down before Sunday.

No, that wouldn't do, would it, Lil?

Are you ready for another pint?

Yes.

I'll be back in a minute.

I'm just going to the Watsit.

What you having? Half a pint.

OK, OK. Two halves, please, miss.

And I'll have a pint of pig's ear. I thought you couldn't hear very well, eh?

He hears what he wants to.

Two halves and some pinks ears, please.

Hey, you'd better go phone Miss Courtney, huh? OK.

Sid, you got Miss Courtney's number? Yeah. Well, what do you want it for?

I got a phone-er about Arthur Mullard.

Oh, him? Yeah. Do you know Gladys should I speak like what he does?

Yeah, that... Hey, wait a minute.

What? I got a idea.

Yes, come over here.

Bring the drinks, Giovanni. OK, OK.

Will you make me a favour, Sid? What sort of a favour?

What sort of a favour? It's worth a quid. Yeah? Who do you want knocking it off?

Nothing. No, no.

I want you to telephone Miss Courtney and tell her that you're Arthur Mullard

and that you won't be able to come and help on the feet.

I thought you were supposed to have fixed all that. He's not fixed nothing.

He doesn't even know he's Arthur Mullard.

Been opening your north and south again, have you?

Will you do it?

I'll go on for a quid, I'll do anything.

Hello?

Miss Courtney.

Maximillian Papandreou here. I got Mr Mullard to speak with you.

Hello?

Oh, good evening, Mr Mullard. It is kind of you to open our fate on Saturday. Yes.

That's what I was phoning you about.

We can't pay you a fee, but we will pay your expenses, of course.

Say, uh, 50 pounds.

50 quid?

Cash.

Oh, that's lovely. Uh, what time would you like me to be there?

2.30? 2.30?

All right. I'll see you there on Saturday, 2.30. Ta-da, love.

What are you doing?

Are you crazy? She's offered me 50 quid in cash. Wrong.

She's offered that to Arthur Mullard.

Look, everybody thinks I speak like him. All I need is a bit of a disguise.

And a big pair of stilts. It's not going to work, Sid.

You're not the fool. Nobody's. No. Well, at least I tried to help, didn't I?

Cheers.

I've got to get back.

I'm up the creek without a paddle.

You're up at the creek without even a boat.

Blue, blue.

What's the matter?

Without turning round, who does a man at the bar remind you of?

How can I see without turning round?

Just have a quick look.

No idea.

They're my lard!

Nothing like him. Sure it is.

I bet he fool a lot of people.

Especially Miss Courtney.

Hey, you might be right. Come on.

Scusi.

Yes?

Has anybody ever told you you look like Arthur Mallard?

Oh, for real?

He's on television. I haven't got a television. Well, never mind.

What are you doing Saturday afternoon?

Why?

We want you to impersonate Arthur Mallard.

What for?

It's just to open a fate. It's for a very good cause.

Oh, I don't know. It's only for half an hour. And you'll be paid.

How much? £2.50.

£2.50? Not bad, eh?

£2.50 for only half an hour's work.

Very generous.

Is that the sort of money this Arthur Mallard gets?

Well, maybe he gets a bit more. £3, maybe.

But you're just impersonating him. Do you think I could do it?

Sure. You look a bit like him.

Just speak a bit rougher. Rougher?

This Arthur Mallard, who is a very rough...

You see?

He speaks just like a slob. A slob?

That's because he's thick.

Right. I'll tell you something, Currie. What's that? I am Arthur, my lord.

That's good.

He's getting into the parts. Bill?

Yes, Arthur?

Tell these two books who I am.

Arthur, my lord.

He really is Arthur Mollard.

Slob, you call me.

He didn't mean it.

Well, I'll tell you something that I mean.

You're a loud-mouthed, ignorant, spaghetti-eating twit.

And it's only my good nature that stopped me from punching your head in.

Mr Mollard? What?

Does this mean you won't be coming to open our fate?

You must be joking.

Now look what you've done, you and your big mouth. Yeah, my big mouth?

What about your big mouth? You started it.

I tell you something, Harper is right. You are an ignorant spaghetti-eating twit.

Listen, Shorty, you get up off your knees and say that.

Don't you speak to me like that. And don't you push on me like that. Ah, push off.

Is it raining in the office, Mr Brown?

No.

I'm just checking it. I'm thinking of buying this.

You know that it is unlucky to put up an umbrella indoors?

Well, it's a good job I'm not superstitious.

How's that?

Oh, very nice.

Well, you can take those and hand them out.

Right.

Now, I think it's time that we were all going home. Oh, that's funny.

What is?

I don't seem to be able to find my coat.

Oh, I hope you look.

It's a sort of tweed mixture with fur around the cuffs.

And fur on the collar?

Yes.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I thought everything on this rail was for the jumble sale.

What have you done with my coat?

I'm afraid I sold it to Gladys for five pounds.

What? Don't worry, I'll get it back.

Sid, where's Gladys? She's gone.

Oh, great. Where does she live? 29 Cornwall Terrace.

Right. Wait a minute. If I know her, she'd be in the boozer.

Finished!

Good.

Now, you be more careful next time. Here are your drinks.

Cheers.

Oi, I shall have to go.

Tell our little senior, tell our boys... Hello, Gladys.

Hello, Gladys. Oh, Gladys! Mr Brown? Where is it?

Where's what? The coat you bought.

I need it back. It's Miss Courtney's.

The coat? Yeah.

Oh, well, I've sold it. Sold it? Who to?

Leo, behind the bar. Oh, excuse me.

Yes, sir, what do you want?

A lady's coat.

This may come as a shock to you, sir, but this is a pub, not a boutique.

No, I mean, the coat Gladys sold you. I must have it back.

Bit kinky, are you? Pardon?

I've heard about fellas like you dressing up in women's clothes.

I don't wear it. It's our school principles. I sold it to Gladys by mistake.

Oh.

Oh, all right, I'll go and get it.

Thank you.

Hello, Bosch.

What are you doing?

It's a long story.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you. And here's your five pounds.

Ten. Pardon? I bought it for ten.

Ta.

Hey, you want a drink, Professor? No, thanks. No time.

I've got to get this coat back to Miss Courtney.

I'll kiss the most beautiful girl in France for five feet and one kiss.

And I'll feed two kids of 50 fish food.

Is Miss Watson on the jumping stand? Jolly good. And be quick,

we might sell a few before the official opening.

Hello, Bush. Oh, Max, where's Arthur Mallard?

Well, it's like this, Bush.

Maybe he's had an accident.

Tell him, Maxie.

Well, darling, the base must have a gymnasium.

Very nice.

Oh, Mr Brown.

This is Mr Brown, our English teacher.

How do you do?

And you know Max, of course.

Yes.

Very good of you to come.

Well, it's all in a good cause, and I couldn't let a mate down, could I?

I told you he was a friend of mine.

Well, come along now, it's time we opened the face.

Oh, Mr Pavendres, I wondered if you'd be awfully kind and get my coat for me.

I think it's hanging on a rail in the office.

Oh, no. Now what's the matter? It doesn't matter. See you at the fete.