Original subtitles

Yes, Sidney? Oh! Hello, Miss Courtney.

Did you want me?

No, I was just giving your office floor a brush out.

How very kind.

Good evening.

Ah, Mr Brown, just the man I want.

You lucky devil.

Sorry.

Would you step into my office? Yeah. Not you.

Mr Brown. After you, Miss Courtney.

Do you have a nice weekend? Oh, very pleasant.

I spent two days in lieu.

In lieu of what?

Oh, in lieu, in Cornwall. Oh, yes.

I have brought something for you.

It's a tape recorder.

Here.

Yes.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Miss Courtney. Thank you very much.

I didn't expect you to buy me anything.

Well, that's good, because I hadn't.

Oh, but I thought this was a... That tape recorder belongs to the music class.

I thought it might be a good idea if you used

it to try to improve your students' elocution.

Oh, yes, that is a good idea. How does it work?

It is self-explanatory, Mr Browne.

Stop, start, wind, rewind, record.

Shouldn't there be a microphone?

It is fully built in.

Fully.

When you have finished it, perhaps you would return it to the music class?

Yes, certainly.

You may go.

Thank you.

Pompous old twit.

That old hen, she's such a pompous old twit.

Haven't you a class to go to? Yeah, I was just going.

Oh, just one moment. Something the matter?

Yes, it's still switched on.

Oh, my... My God!

I do hope you weren't being indiscreet.

No, no, of course I never said anything, did I, Sid? No, not a dicky bird.

Never opened his normal shop.

Well, we'll see, shall we?

I think I'll go sweep the floor.

Yes, I... Stay where you are.

Now, let's see what we can hear.

When you have finished with it,

perhaps you would be kind enough to return it to the music club? Yes, certainly.

You may go. Thank you.

Here we are. That's it. There's no more.

No, definitely no more. Just a moment.

She's a pompous old twit.

I see. I am a pompous old twit, am I?

That wasn't you. Really? Good Lord, no, was

it, Sid? No, no, we should never hold in.

Oh!

Then who was it?

Who?

Well, it was... Yes, it was the other old boy, Gladys the tea lady.

Yes, that's right, Gladys. I would hardly call Gladys pompous. Oh, wouldn't you?

She can be very pompous at times.

I see. Well, perhaps you would tell pompous Gladys that I am waiting for my coffee.

Right. Do you know, my horoscope was right. I was forecast to clash with authority,

ending in disaster. That wasn't disaster.

Yeah, well, the night is still young.

There you are. How are you liking it? You are very rude, Ranjit. Also,

he's not be spell very good.

Please, Ranjit, lap it off before Ali arrives.

No, you make Ali very mad. I am not carry. Yesterday,

Ali is calling me a monkey face.

He shouldn't call you monkey face. Oh, thank you, Max.

It's not your fault you look like that.

Have I missed something funny?

No, professore, he's still here.

You are liking flowers?

Scusi?

You are liking flowers. Answer yes or no.

Sure I like the flowers. Good. I'm sending some to your funeral.

Put your knife away. Giovanni, sit down. Come on.

What hope is there for a multiracial society if a handful of people can't

sit down together for a couple of hours without coming to blow?

We only make it a joke. Well, in future, let's have no more jokes.

They only seem to lead to arguments.

Who's responsible for this?

Come along, I'm waiting. If the person who's responsible doesn't own up,

you'll all stay behind and have extra homework.

It was Ranjeet.

I suggest you come out here, Ranjeet,

and rub it off before Ali comes in and sees it.

Before Ali comes in and sees what?

You are hiding something from me.

Yes, please, I can see my name on blackboard. We were just about to rub it off.

I can be reporting you to the monastery of education.

Ministry.

That also.

I'm being surprised at you. Me?

Writing naughty things like that. I didn't write it.

But you are standing with chalky in hand. That is circumstantial.

Oh no, that is most definitely chalky.

It was already written before I arrived.

Oh-ho.

Then I'm knowing who is writing it. It is monkey face. Sit down.

I'll kick you up the caiba.

Sit down.

Listen, if I have any more arguments,

those persons responsible will be sent home immediately.

Well, that's not safe. And that goes for you, too.

No more arguments. Me? Never argue.

Always argue. Never. Oh, yes, you do. Oh, no, I don't.

You're arguing now.

No, you always argue. Sit down.

Right.

Now, tonight we are going to concentrate on your elocution.

Heaven knows it needs concentrating on.

Right. Now, this is a tape recorder.

Eh, we're going to have the music while we work.

No, we're not. We're just going to have the work.

I'm going to ask each of you in turn to say something into this,

and we'll rewind it and play it back,

and we'll correct any mistakes or mispronunciations you may make. Right?

You first, Ellie.

Jolly good.

What shall I be saying? Well, just say anything at all that comes into your mind.

Anything at all that is coming into my mind? That'll do.

Yes, go on.

Here is the news.

And this is Maximilien Andreas Archimedes Papandreou speaking it. Today,

we not have any news. Maybe tomorrow we have some.

My name is Danielle Favre, 36, 21, 35.

I am French, au pair, and I like all kind of sports,

in the doors and out of the doors. Thank you, Miss France.

Tarot.

Awesome.

I am be speaking little poetries.

When first I come to school, I am sit here like a fool.

But Master Ji is teach me how to speech, and now I speak much more better.

Well, it didn't exactly rhyme.

Master Shakespeare no be rhyme.

No, that's true. He doesn't, not always.

Giovanni.

This is not a talent contest. Just say a sentence or two. OK.

I am in the English class to learn how to speak the English.

Now I speak the English.

And you still have a lot to learn.

Ranjit.

Greetings and salutations to all my friends.

Long life and much happiness be with you all.

Very nice. I mean, thank you. Well done.

Suli, and spare us the thoughts of Chairman Mao tonight, please.

Thoughts of Chairman Mao?

Wasted on crafts full of ignorant followers of imperialistic policies of oppression.

Only China can clue democracy's frolic. Thank you, Suli.

At least you're consistent.

Juan?

Yes, señor.

I tell you a little story.

My cousin from Madrid, his wife, she goes up to heaven.

Spiritus Santo Dominus.

And in the funeral, my cousin, he's very bad. So the priest,

he come to him and say, please, my son, don't worry. In six months from now,

maybe you'll find another beautiful senorita and you get married. My cousin,

he said to the priest, six months, what am I going to do tonight?

Thank you, Munch. I know plenty more. Yeah,

we'll save them for tea break. All right.

Right, now we'll rewind this, and you'll all hear how terrible you sound.

You've all got a long way to go. No, please.

The landlord man I'm staying with is telling me I am speaking

English much more better than what he's doing. Is he a Londoner?

No, he's from Turkey.

Well, I wouldn't let it go to your head, Ranjit. Right, now, pay attention.

But you first, Ali.

Jolly good.

What shall I be saying? Well, just say anything at all that comes into your mind.

Anything at all that is coming into my mind?

Um, I don't know.

Who was that? Who was what?

Who were you speaking to? That was you.

You were pulling my leggy.

That was not me. That is a foreign-sounding man. Exactly. That's how you sound.

Oh, blimey. And all the time I'm thinking I'm

sounding good like Sir Olivier Laurence.

Laurence Olivier. Yes, please.

You're late, Anna.

Yeah.

You feeling all right?

Yeah. You do not sound all right.

Look, if there's anything that's troubling you, you can tell us.

We're your friends. That's right. You let your hair down. Oh, blimey.

How can she be letting her hair down when it is not up?

Let your hair down means to get everything off the chest.

Oh, you are be want her to take off her clothes.

Holy ravioli, these foreigners are all stupid. Now,

why don't you tell us what's the matter?

For the last time, there's nothing the matter. You stop asking stupid questions.

I'm perfectly all right.

I'm returning the tape recorder. I took it back to the music class,

but they'd all gone home.

Oh, very well, you can leave it there. Have you finished now?

Yes, I've just got to give them their homework.

I think I've got a slight problem.

Oh?

Your class has one big problem.

I'm rather worried about Anna.

In what way?

She burst into tears when she arrived,

and so far she's refused to say what's troubling her.

Oh, dear, I do hope it isn't Miss Rowbottom all over again.

Pardon?

Needlework class, last term. Exactly the same symptoms.

Weeping all over her embroidery. Refused to say why.

Did you ever find out what was the matter?

Oh, yes. Was it something serious? As for Miss Rowbottom, she was pregnant.

Please, Anna, tell us what is the matter. I'm all right.

How can he be saying you are all right when you have been crying buckets of water?

You can do nothing to help.

How you know we can do nothing to help if you not tell us your problem?

All right, I tell you. I have to go back to West Germany.

Why you got to go back?

My visa has au pair's kaput. It's finished.

Two years is nearly up. Why not ask for her extension? Von work.

I have a friend from East Germany, Eva, also au pair.

She's been told she has to go back next month.

You now want to go back?

No, I want to stay here.

You can be staying with me.

I hide you. Nobody will be knowing you are there.

Thank you, Ranjit, but it won't work. Maybe you ask for diplomatic immunity.

Ah, Sully is right.

You can be a detector.

Defector.

Ah, that is what I mean.

People only defect from east to west. I'm already in the west.

You can go to Chinese embassy and join with Republic

of China in fight against Russian neglations.

I want to stay here in England.

I have answer.

Become British citizen.

Wife automatically take her nationality of husband.

Hey, that Taro's got something.

You must get married with an Englishman. Hey, how about Sid? He is an Englishman.

He's already being married.

We put something in the newspaper.

Wanted. Smart Englishman. Plenty money. Good looks.

To marry beautiful German girl. Very sexy.

I can't do that.

Sure you can.

When I marry, it must be Mr. Right. Is he English? Who?

It's Mr. Right. Haven't met him yet.

Oh, blimey. How can he be marrying someone he haven't met yet?

What Anna means, when she marries, she marries Mr. Right, not Mr. Wrong.

But he's be sound like a foreign person.

Who?

Mr. Wrong.

Don't take any notice of them, Anna. What I mean is, when I get married,

it must be for love. Why?

You don't have to live with him.

All you've got to do is get a British passport by getting married.

Then after a couple of months, you get a divorce.

Who's going to agree to marry me for a couple of months?

Plenty of people.

Hey, now let's think of something.

First, he's got to be English.

That's right.

And a little bit stupid.

Somebody simple, huh?

Who we can twist round our little finger?

It is impossible.

God will find a way.

Tell me, where is God going to find a stupid,

simple Englishman whom we can twist round our little finger?

Deo grazia.

What was that one?

Sorry, nothing, nothing.

Oh, about your homework... Eh, professore,

after class we invite you to the pub for a drink, eh?

Oh, that's very kind of you. Good.

But I'm afraid I've got rather a lot of work to do.

Ah, you must come, Bosch. We will be so disappointed if you do not come.

Ah, well, if you put it like that, how can I resist?

Now, don't forget, we give Mr. Brown plenty of the softer soap.

Eh, what is the softer soap?

The flannel.

Soft soap, flannel. Is he going to have a bath?

I think he means we are going to be getting Mr. Brown in a good mood.

Eh, why don't you speak the better English?

Hey, I think they're coming back.

Okey-dokey. Now, not to worry, Anna. We fix you up, huh?

Here we are, then.

Who ordered what shorts?

Eh, professori, you sit here next to Anna, huh?

All right, thank you. All right, now what shall we drink to?

To the future.

To the future. Salute. Cheers.

You ever think about the future, professoree? Sometimes.

You ever think of getting married, Bosch? Not really.

Every man should be married.

Especially to a woman.

Men are living by yourself?

Men, no.

Not mean to live by bread alone.

It is not natural.

Men and women are made for each other.

In China, we believe it is duty of every citizen

to marry and produce brittle citizens.

You are missing a lot of nice pleasures.

You're all very concerned to get me married off.

We are only wanting you to be happy.

Well, I'm quite happy as I am, thank you.

What about you, Anna? You haven't said anything yet.

Or are you against marriage?

Oh, no, I would like to be married.

I can't understand why she's not married already.

Such a beautiful girl, eh, professore?

Pardon?

That Anna, she's a beautiful girl.

One day she's going to make somebody a nice wife.

She's a wonderful cook.

Good with the house cleaning.

Kind-hearted.

Very careful with the money.

Always up to.

Faithful.

A man would be lucky to have such wife.

I smell something fishy. Oh, blimey.

It must be the curried prawn I'm having for lunch.

I'm not stupid.

This has something to do with you, Anna. Am I right?

Yeah.

Okay, we tell you the truth, professori.

Anna is in da big trouble.

Say, she's got to get married.

Got to. Sure, boss.

There is no other way.

Miss Courtney was right, then.

Miss Courtney knows about Anna?

Well, she suspected, correctly, as it turns out.

Can you no be help her, Master D? Well, I'll do my best. Now, listen, Anna,

do you know who's responsible for your condition?

Yeah.

Good. Who is it?

The Home Secretary.

I beg your pardon?

He is the one. You sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

You must be mistaken.

No, he is the one.

Well, I'm afraid he must have been lying.

Who was lying?

Well, this person who told you that he was the Home Secretary.

What person?

Well, the person who put you in the state you are in.

Yeah, the Home Secretary.

It couldn't have been the Home Secretary.

It was. My girlfriend, Eva, is in the same boat with me.

You mean your girlfriend is also in your condition? Yeah.

Both of you were in the same boat with the Home Secretary?

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

It's true.

Eva has written to him, but he says her visa cannot be extended.

And also his ending. That is why I must get married with an Englishman.

Just a minute. You mean you want to get married to

stay in the country? Yeah. And for no other reason?

Nein.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Kiki, Koki, when do we fix the wedding? There won't be a wedding.

Gosh, look, Anna, much as I sympathise with your predicament,

I can't marry you. It wouldn't be right.

I may be old-fashioned, but I believe that people should

marry for love and not merely as a matter of convenience.

Yeah, you're right.

Excuse me. I've got to fix my face.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, I'm surprised at you lot. Concocting a stupid idea like that.

We only wanted to help Anna. We feel very sorry for her.

Yeah, well, I'm sure you meant well. Oh, cheers. Come on, I'll get some more drinks.

Poor Anna. She is going to be very sad.

We have to fix something, Giovanni.

Hey, I got it, Maxie.

We get him drunk.

Oh, we get drunk.

Professore!

Then tomorrow we not remember anything.

And we tell him he agreed to marry Anna in here tonight, in front of the witnesses.

Anna will never agree to that.

Sure she will.

How you know?

We get her drunk as well.

Good evening, Mr. Brown.

Not particularly.

Feeling under the weather? Just a bit. I had a bit too much to drink last night.

Buona sera, professore.

How are you feeling, Moshe?

Terrible.

Last night you were a very happy man.

Was I? I don't remember.

You're not to remember dancing on the table.

I didn't.

You did, with Hannah.

Just after you asked her to marry you.

Well, I'm afraid I...

What did you say I did? You asked Anna to marry you. Oh, no. Oh, yes.

You say you felt sorry for her.

You now want her to go back to Germany, so you tell her you marry her.

Are you sure?

Positive. She's going to fix the date tonight.

You're a very lucky man. Trantantantan, trantantan.

Congratulations.

I don't want congratulations. Well, come to think of it,

getting splices is more of an occasion for mourning.

I am not getting married. Well, they seem to think you are. Well, they are wrong,

and I'm going to tell them so.

Oh.

Right, now, any places, everybody? Listen, please.

I've got something to tell you about...

Ah, Anna, just the person I want to see. Mr Brown, what can I say to you? Yeah,

well, I'd rather you didn't say anything.

What you did last night was wunderbar.

Yeah, well, it's about last night, Anna.

I will never forget it.

Anna, will you listen to me?

But I cannot let you marry me.

Yeah, well, I may have had one or two more... What did you say?

I cannot let you marry me. There's no need. You mean you found somebody else?

I telephoned Home Secretary.

He can't marry you. He's already got a wife. LAUGHTER Phone about my visa,

and he tells me I can stay because I'm part of Common Market. That is good news.

But how can I thank you for your kind offer?

Oh, well, that was nothing.

Would you have actually done this thing?

Yes, I mean, that's what friends are for.

Wunderbar. You will like Eva. Pardon?

My friend. She is from East Germany, so she's not in Common Market.

Eva!

Ditches, Mr. Brown? Yes.

Mein Liebchen, come to Abel!