Original subtitles

Enter.

I brought you some coffee, Miss Courtney. I shall be wanting it this morning,

thank you, Gladys. I have to be at the court in half an hour.

Jenny's court?

Magistrates.

Oh, my goodness, what have you done?

I haven't done anything.

I am on the bench.

I am a JP.

Oh, very nice. Any juicy bits? I beg your pardon? Well, you know,

like you read in the Sunday papers, husband finds wife in bed with lover.

No, Gladys.

Just the usual amount of football hooligans

and drunken disorderly, that sort of thing.

Enter. Thank you, Gladys.

I brought the stockroom keys back.

Well, you'd better hang on to them, Sidney. I shan't want them today.

She's in court. Court what?

Court.

Magistrate's court.

Have you been nicked?

Go on.

Nicked? I've got a friend of mine to defend you, and if he can't get you off,

he'll bang a few quid to the JP.

Most of them are bent.

I am a JP.

I was only joking.

I can barely hope you were. I'll see you two tomorrow.

Yeah, well, don't be too hard on anyone, will you?

Remember, a person is innocent until he's proved guilty.

Yes, well, I have often thought that should be the other way round.

Oh, you should know best.

Oh, I'd hate to come up before her. Me neither. With people like her on the bench,

no wonder they demolished the death sentence. Oh!

Case number one has been put back until after lunch.

Very well.

Let's get on with it.

Call case number two. Call case number two.

Good heavens.

Miss Courtney, what are you doing here?

I am the presiding magistrate.

Oh, blimey, we are being in luck. We are bound to be getting off escorting free.

I am in court.

Do you know these people, Miss Courtney?

I most certainly do.

Are you sure you won't be prejudiced in their favour?

If I am prejudiced, it certainly won't be in their favour.

Inspector, isn't it a little unusual for the police to

bring so many defendants before the bench at one time?

The dock seems a little overloaded.

The case is rather unusual, madam. The accused, though acting individually,

did in fact commit the offences collectively.

I see.

What are the charges?

Miss Chung Soo Lee and Mr. Taro Nagasubi inciting a riot.

I demand diplomatic immunity. Silence.

Mr. Giovanni Cupello and Miss Daniel Favre disturbing the peace.

Mr. Ranjit Singh and Mrs. Jamila Ranjha causing an affray. Please,

I'm not understanding what he's meaning.

And I am not understand also, Master Ji.

But he's reading out the charges. You mean we are having to pay for being here?

More than likely.

Will you please be quiet?

Sorry.

Mr. Ali Nadeem and Miss Anna Schmidt causing a public nuisance.

Mr. Juan Cervantes and Mr. Maximilian Papandreos assaulting a police officer.

He assault us first.

Say, he hit my fist with his jaw.

Another remark like that, I shall hold you in contempt.

What for?

Speak when you are spoken to. Why? Sorry, wrong number.

Carry on with the charges.

That's all.

What about Mr Brown?

Oh, I'm not charged with anything.

What are you doing in the dock?

I've come here to speak on their behalf.

He's our mouthpiece.

He's going to spring us.

You see, Miss Courtney... Stop.

You must come down onto the floor of the court if you wish to address the bench.

Oh, right.

You see, Miss Courtney, there are... Stop!

I am not Miss Courtney.

Funny. She look like Miss Courtney.

You will kindly address me as Your Honour.

Sorry, Miss Courtney. Er, Your Honour. But there are mitigating circumstances,

and I'm sure that when you've heard what the students have to say,

you will decide to act leniently.

We'll see about that after we have heard the explanation.

Yes. Well, it all happened last Friday evening after class.

As part of their homework, I decided to give the students various tasks to perform,

things to do, places to visit.

Suli and Taro, would you tell the court what happened in your case?

Take the stand, please.

Take the book in your right hand and read what's on the cart. Yes, sir.

I swear by almighty God that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth of it.

The whole truth, nothing but the truth of it.

Take the book in your right hand.

Are you saying that you are not going to tell the truth?

The Republic of China not great in Christian religion.

What do you believe in?

Chairman Mao.

Very well.

Do you swear by Chairman Mao that the evidence you give should be the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

In democratic Republic of China, there's no loom

for eyes. Truth is absolute. So say Chairman Mao.

I think we can accept that as an affirmation.

Proceed.

Task Mr. Blount, Eroquate, Tutalo,

and me is visit Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park to observe Olytus.

I say to you again, ladies and gentlemen,

do not be deceived by assurances of a so-called change of attitude in China.

They are still governed by dictators. The people are still oppressed. Lavish!

It is not lavish!

China is still an aggressive nation. It is Western imperialists who are aggressors.

China is still a free democracy.

Now who's talking rubbish?

You are.

If you don't like it over here, get back to where you came from.

Don't speak like that to my friend, though.

You are ignorant capitalist ratty, you are. Now

calm down. If you wasn't a lady, I'd jump you.

I have news for you. I am no rabid.

You see, it was a political act of self-defense.

Not our fault.

You may stand down.

Who's next?

Mr. Giovanni Capello and Miss Favreau.

Take the book in your right hand and read what's on the card.

Not the likely.

I'm not to swear on a Protestant Bible.

We are Catholics.

I swear by the Pope. Give him a Catholic Bible.

Okey-dokey.

I promise I'm going to tell all of the truth.

Me too.

Carry on.

Your Honor, it's like this.

Mr. Brown asked us to visit television studios

to see how television programs are made.

Oi! Yes?

Where do you think you're going?

We're going to have a look around. You're not allowed in here without a pass.

But I'm sure you can look the other way. Rules are made to be broken, no?

Not by me, no.

But it's for our own work.

Sorry.

Hey!

What's that down there? Where?

What do we do now? We have to look around.

Don't worry, nobody's going to find us here. Let's just wait! Santa Maria!

Good afternoon, and welcome to another edition of World of Sport.

This afternoon on our search for Sporting Nation... Excuse me.

But which way do we go? You mind, I'm on air. Hey, I've seen you someplace before.

You don't often look like that David Dickey. Dickey Davis is spaghetti. Ah,

that's right. But I am Dickey Davis, and I'm trying to do a programme.

I'm very sorry about that, but when the programme

is live, anything can happen, can't it?

As I was saying... David, can I have your autograph, please?

Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome.

My first guest tonight has flown across the Atlantic specially to be with us.

I think perhaps he's best...

Hey, I know you. It's a Michael Parkington. It's

not a primal name, Bruce. Oh, my God.

Your Honour, I rest my bag.

No, no, don't you bother. You rest your case.

Okie-dokie, I rest my bag and my case.

Silence. There is far too much levity in this courtroom.

We will now take a short break, and when we come back,

I shall hope for a little more respect.

Otherwise, the court will be clear.

Can we have the next defendants, please?

Mr. Singh and Mrs. Ranjha.

What do you swear on? I never swear.

It's against my religion.

He has been mean swear on holy book.

Thousand apologies. I'm swearing by the Guru Granth Sahib.

May Guru Granth Sahib...

No, I am be swear by Almighty God.

I am be swear to tell the obsolete truth, and nothing but the obsolete truth.

Carry on.

Master Ji is ask us for our homey work to be take boat on River Themis.

And we comply.

Then you know it's a sign for messing about on the river.

If you take my advice, there's nothing to worry about.

Well, that's very simple. It's forward to go forward and backwards to go back.

What about if you want to go sideways?

I think I am busy, sir.

Do you really want to hire this boat? Of course,

definitely. All right, switch on. I'll cast off.

Don't put it in gear. Now, I'm telling you...

It's a wonder the boat didn't sink. It did? Stand down.

Who's next?

Mr. Savanti, sir.

Take the book in your right hand and read what's

on the card. Sure, we tell the truth.

I tell you what happened.

No, no, I tell you.

No, no, no, no, no. I speak good, better English.

No, I speak better English than you speak better English.

Tell the court what happened, Mr. Cervantes.

Si, senora.

Mr. Brown, he tell us to go and see the wax, wax.

Wax, wax.

He say, I tell, not you.

Okay.

So we go to Madame Tussauds.

I tell you what we do. You take the photo of me with the British dress. Okay.

Which way we go?

We ask where we find the British dress.

I want the queen.

Hey, what's the matter? You there?

He's a wax man.

Looks like a real man.

Hey, look. Here's another.

He don't look very nice.

He looks like a dumb.

How they get this guy? I do it. Panayama.

You're a real man. Yes.

Including the moustache.

We are looking for the royal family.

I'm going to have the picture taken with the queen.

Members of the public are not allowed to touch the exhibits.

Thank you very much. Unfortunately, you are too late. We are about to close.

You will find the exit that way.

We go that way.

Ah, there they are. I go front, you take picture. Okay, but be quick. All right.

What's he doing?

Oh, just check in here.

That's all.

It's quite enough.

You may stand down.

Mr. Nadim and Miss Schmidt.

I swear by Almighty God that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

And what about you?

Oh, blimey.

I'm also swearing, but by the Holy Quran.

Oh yes. Proceed, please. Mr. Brown told us to be visiting the zoo.

We saw all the animals, and on the way out,

Ali decided he wanted to ride on the elephant.

Excuse me, please.

We are wanting to have a ride on elephant. Hard cheese.

Would you like a hearty dog?

What?

You are saying your cheese is hard, so I'm offering you my hearty dog.

Why don't we start again? We would like a ride on the elephant.

Well, you can't.

Why not?

You are not allowed on the elephant without a keeper.

We are wanting to be riding on elephant, not the keeper.

I have no idea.

You go for people.

No, I go for fun. You come to the zoo.

Hello, hello, hello.

Oh, it is an Indian elephant. How do you know that?

It has a bigger head and longer nose.

Oh, blimey. It is pinching my heart.

What are you doing?

We are going to be riding on elephants. No, we're going to keep her. Don't worry.

I know everything about elephants.

Please be getting up. It may be dangerous. Oh, no.

Indian elephants are most peaceful people.

We are only going to be sitting.

Climb, please, climb. Come on, Ali. Come on.

Oh, yes. When I was being a little boy in Delhi, I used to ride a little. Oh, yes.

To be going on left side, you're pulling left here.

To be going on the rightwards, you're pulling right here.

And to be stopping, you're pulling both here.

What about starting?

To be starting, you bang on head.

What happened to the elephant? It went for a bath in the lake.

Unfortunately, we are still sitting on it.

You may stand down.

Mr. Brown, have you anything to say before I give judgment?

Yes, Miss Corby.

Yes, Your Honour. I beg the court to show clemency in this case. These poor,

unfortunate people are guests in our country.

They have journeyed from their native lands

to our shores to learn our mother tongue.

Why?

Because they admire our English way of life,

with its long tradition of hospitality, free

speech, justice, and above all, fair play.

They have committed no offence in their eyes.

They were merely carrying out their duties as they saw them.

One only has to look at them to see that they are not criminals.

I'm sure the court will find them innocent. If anyone is guilty, it is I. Bravo!

Thank you, Petrocelli.

Well, having regard to your impassioned plea for mercy,

the court tends to agree with your remarks.

The accused are more misguided than mischievous.

Therefore, the court finds the defendants not guilty.

The court agrees with Mr. Brown that if anyone is guilty, he is.

To have sent out these poor,

unfortunate students on such foolhardy errands is highly irresponsible.

It is a pity that the court cannot punish you.

But be warned, Mr. Brown,

if you ever come before this bench again for whatever reason,

you will be severely dealt with.

The court will adjourn.

Is this your car, sir?

Yes.

Having trouble with your memory, are you, sir?

Pardon?

Your road tax disc has run out, sir.

Ah, well, I'm sure I've applied for it. What's going on, Constable Jones?

Another tax dodger, madam.

Really?

Well, while you're at it, Constable, why don't you check his lights and his tyres?

How about his insurance?

I shall be sitting again tomorrow.

That's all the classic comedy for this morning,

but don't forget we start every morning with a laugh here on Granada Plus.

And from this classroom, we go to the street next.