All language subtitles for The Cool Kids s01e01 Pilot.eng

Okay, boys, this one's for Jerry.

May he rest in peace.

One for me, one for
you, and one for you.

D-Do not peer pressure me. I
haven't taken my pills yet.

Do you know what happens when you mix

prescription drugs and alcohol?

Yeah, a good time.

I wouldn't do it. I once
mixed six tabs of acid

with some New England hard cider.

Long story short,

I can't eat apples with
my clothes on anymore.

Let's raise a glass. [CLEARS THROAT]

Jerry, what can I say?

You were the most ornery, foul-mouthed,

mentally deranged son
of a bitch I ever met,

and thank God I did.

- We're gonna miss you, old pal.
- Yeah, we are.

To Jerry.

- To Jerry.
- To Jerry!

[ALL EXHALING]

So, should we talk replacements?

Have you lost your mind?

Well, it is a prime seat.
We got to move fast.

Now, look, guys, you know
we can never replace Jerry.

The man was a legend. So
I say we honor his legacy

the way it should be
honored, with an empty seat.

Do you mind?

It has been a bitch of a morning.

Uh, hey, baby, you must be lost.

Don't start, flyboy.

I'm not in the mood and
I am not interested.

Look, lady, I don't know who you are,

but you can't sit there.

Why not? Who are you
guys, the cool kids?

Damn straight we are.

[LAUGHING]: You...

Really?

Him? Wow.

I don't know where you came from,

but you can't sit wherever you want.

You got to be invited.

He's right. You have to earn that spot.

Fine. I'll arm wrestle you for it.

- Fine.
- Wait, wait, S-Sid. Ooh.

Did better than I thought. [CHUCKLES]

Look, you gots to go.

That seat belongs to Jerry.

Is that right? Where is this Jerry?

ALLISON [OVER SPEAKER]:
Good morning, Shady Meadows.

I'm sorry to announce that Jerry Walsh

passed away yesterday.

There'll be free balloons
and a cheese plate

available in his memory.
Have a nice day.

Jerry?

What is your problem?

Why you want to sit at our
table so bad, anyway?

You know, honestly, I don't,

but then you told me that I couldn't.

So now you are gonna need a
hearse to drag me out of here

because nobody tells me what to do.

Nobody.

You want me to arm-wrestle her again?

I think I'm getting a second wind.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

That woman is violent.

I think she broke my elbow.

Times sure have changed.

I mean, in the '50s, a
woman wouldn't dare

just come sit at our table like that.

In the '50s, you wouldn't have
been allowed in the restaurant.

I'd have been allowed
in, but I'd have had

[DEEP VOICE]: to talk like this.

Plus, she disrespected Jerry.

And speaking of Jerry,

we need to talk about
his memorial service.

Why do we have to talk about it?

Aren't they gonna give him one?

A cheese plate and
balloons is not a service.

- Jerry liked to party.
- Yeah.

He would want something epic.

You know, like kegs and a DJ, fireworks,

people getting butt naked up in here.

We need to throw something
like a Burning Man.

You want to burn a man?

No, it's a sex festival in the desert.

I go every year.

Well, Allison is not gonna
let you throw a party.

She runs this place like Alcatraz.

Don't worry about Allison.
We gonna go around her.

Yeah, but a party like that's
gonna cost a lot of dough.

Money?

Oh, that's not gonna be a problem.

Well, why? You came into some scratch?

Well... I got this. [LAUGHS]

Is that Jerry's credit card?

How the hell did you get
Jerry's credit card?

Well, how does anything happen, Hank?

You're not the only one with good ideas.

Why is this still loose?

Hey, do you know where
the supply closet is?

No, nuh-uh. Do you know
how to fix a table?

Psst! Come on, over here.

Hurry up, man, come on.

Sorry to be so sneaky,

but you probably do this all the time.

Not really.

Okay. Can I get your credit card?

Yes, you may.

And, uh, I am Mr. Jerry Walsh.

Okay. And a photo ID?

Say what now?

I mean, obviously, you're old enough.

It's just company policy.
Is that gonna be a problem?

No, that's not gonna be a problem.

I mean, why would it be a problem?
[CHUCKLES]: You know.

I'm sure I got it here
somewhere... somewhere.

- [WHISPERS]: Run!
- Run? I haven't run in 30 years.

You can do it.

No, actually, I can't.
I've got three fake hips

'cause of a bet I lost to
that doctor in Costa Rica.

All right, look, on my
cue, we're gonna snatch

that credit card and
make a break for it.

- I'm sorry. Where were we, now?
- Just to let you know,

I could hear everything
you guys were saying.

Run!

You don't have to run.

I'm not gonna chase you.

What are you guys trying to do to me?

I mean, it feels like
it's becoming personal.

Is it personal?

Did I do something to offend you?

Well, you took our credit card.

You know, some of us
aren't retired, Hank.

Some of us are trying to keep our jobs.

That sounds like a "you" problem.

No. Actually, it's a "you" problem.

Actually actually,

it's a "you and you and you" problem.

Because of you three, I've
got higher blood pressure

than half the people in here.

That sounds like another "you" problem.

I'm sorry about Jerry.

But if we threw a rager
every time a person died,

this place would look
like Bourbon Street.

Bourbon Street's okay.
The best streets are...

few blocks over.

Bourbon Street's okay.
What I'm saying here, Sid,

is that people want peace and quiet.

Peace and quiet? I'm gonna have plenty

of peace and quiet when I'm dead.

I want to party. Jerry wanted to party.

And nobody wants to party with
balloons and a cheese plate.

What's so bad about that?

Jerry hated cheese. The man
was lactose intolerant.

I don't know what to tell you,
Hank. The rules are the rules.

You don't like them, you can leave.

You do realize you're
all here voluntarily.

What? We are?

Yes. It's a retirement community,

not an insane asylum.

My kids are liars.

Well, voluntary or not, the rules stink.

And what qualifies you

to come up with these
rules anyway, Missy?

I went to Harvard Business School.

I never heard of it.

You've never heard of Harvard?

[LAUGHING]: Oh, Harvard!

I thought you said "Barnyard."

I can't hear a thing today.

That's a great school.

All right, guys, time to
get out of my office.

Well, if you're not gonna
let us throw a party,

at least move what's-her-face
from our table.

Who? Margaret?

No, she can sit wherever she wants.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Oh, I get it.

So you're saying there's
nothing you can do.

- Right.
- So you want us to handle it.

That's what you're saying.

That's not at all what I'm saying.

Ah, it's cool. I hear you, baby.

I feel like you don't.

Ah, I got it. Say no more.

I feel like I should.

Mm. Let's roll, boys.

Walked right into that one, Harvard.

SID: You want me to flirt with her?

I don't think I can do this.

You want that woman sitting
at our table forever?

Trust me, this'll work.

But it should be you or Charlie
or at least somebody straight.

Sid, only a gay man can hit
on a woman these days.

If I so much as bump
into the side of a tata,

I could wind up in jail for six years.

I did six years in jail. Wasn't so bad.

- I was in the best shape of my...
- Charlie.

Now, Sid, your mere presence

makes most people uncomfortable.

Now, all you got to do is, is take that

and dial that up to, like, an 11.

She'll be running to
another table in no time.

Fine. Here goes nothing.

I'll take off my glasses
so I look more butch.

Well, hello, little lady.

Are you all right?

Do you mind if I join you?

How can I resist?

- Where are your friends?
- Well, they're not hiding,

if that's what you're asking.

I wasn't.

So, I know a man is not supposed

to say these things when sitting
with a woman these days,

but if you really want Jerry's seat,

I know a way you can earn it.

Through me.

Really?

What would I have to do?

Well, you know, uh,

man-woman stuff.

I don't know.

Why don't you give me the details?

Well, you know, when a...

man takes a woman and
unhooks things and...

... takes liberties with her person.

You know the rest.

No, still lost.

He puts his lips on things,

and-and his hands go everywhere.

Cheese and crackers, don't
make me keep saying it!

Well, all right.

Why don't we go back to my room

and you can show me instead?

No, I think I made
myself perfectly clear.

No, no, no, no, no, no. no

I want you to show me.

Come on, lover boy.

Get up.

Well, maybe this will
work out in our favor.

I mean, if you slept with Sid,

would you really want to
sit next to him all day?

[SIGHS] It's Sid I'm worried about.

If she goes anywhere near his
penis, his heart could explode.

I've seen a man's heart explode once.

It's not pretty.

When did you see a man's heart explode?

How you gonna see that?
It's inside his body.

Well, it-it came out!

Way out!

All right, all right, Charlie,

I'm gonna stop asking you questions.

[LAUGHS] So, three hours later,

I wake up on the floor

next to a longshoreman, with
a rubber tube in my hand.

And I'm thinking to myself,

"Did he get the enema or was it me?"?

- My God!
- [LAUGHING]

- I've been there! [LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS]

What the hell is this?

Oh, speaking of enemas,

look who just showed up.

You told her, didn't you?

I'm sorry, Hank. She
knew what I was doing

and she flipped it on me.

You were supposed to scare her away,

not swap booty stories with her.

She found my weakness.

Come on, Sid, let's go.

No, actually...

I want to stay.

You want to what?

I want to hear the end of the story.

Plus, I wouldn't mind hearing
the first part of that story.

I can't believe you guys.

You want to sit here eating
chips with this seat stealer?

Then you go right ahead.

I hope your guacamole
tastes like betrayal.

$75!

Do I hear $75 for a chance

to sit at the best table
in all of Shady Meadows?

$75.

Dudley? No, man.

You must be kidding me.

Hank, what's all this about?

Well, since you all are
disrespecting Jerry,

I decided I'm gonna
auction off your seats

so I can raise money to pay
for his memorial service.

What? You can't sell our seats.

$90.

$95.

$100.

- $110.
- $115.

$1 million.

That's too steep for me. I'm out.

You know you don't have
no million dollars.

Well, not on me. But
if you got a shovel,

we can go out to the desert. [CHUCKLES]

Who is this fossil?

That's Phillips. That's his chair now.

He paid $11 for that seat.

[FILTERED BREATHING]

[SQUEAKING]

[SQUEAKING]

I don't need this!

I'm out of here!

No refunds, Phillips!

Woman, you are working my last nerve.

Hank, maybe it's time to let it go.

We're not gonna have a big party.

We're just gonna sit here,

eat cheese, break wind,

and stare at Jerry's ashes.

Wait, hold up now. Ashes?

They can't cremate Jerry.

- Why not?
- The man is Irish.

And the Irish like their
dead bodies in a open box

in the middle of a bar.

Then they drink whiskey,

then they sing songs, then
they fight each other.

Sometimes they fight the dead body.

[CHUCKLING]: What the
hell are you saying?

I'm saying we got to hop in a cab

and go on down to that morgue

and get Jerry the hell out of there.

Have you lost your ever-loving mind?

We can't do that.

Plus, no cab driver will let
you transport a dead body.

I did it all the time when I was
a rickshaw driver in Bangkok.

Charlie, I'm gonna take my thumb,

I'm gonna push it on your eyeball

till it pops out your ear.

Now, does anybody here
have a... have a car?

I can drive you guys.

Ah, hell, no. Anybody else?

I can drive if you guys tell me

what I'm seeing out the windshield.

It's your life.

Okay, fine, but this
doesn't make us friends.

And I'm driving.

- Watch your blind spot.
- All right.

- She's braking.
- Mm-hmm.

Pull over...

Man, Sid, why you got to sit like that?

You're blocking my view.

Well, I can't see out the window

if I sit in the seat.

Margaret's blocking my view.

Do you have to see out the front window?

It's a car; they have
windows on the sides.

I get motion sickness.

I'm scared I'll spit up.

Don't you spit up on me.

You really have to slow down, Hank.

You're going too fast.

Well, it's too late for all that.

They're probably popping
Jerry in the oven

- as we speak.
- Oh.

And that said, how fast am I going?

Which one of these dials
is your speedometer?

I don't know.

You don't know how to read
your own speedometer?

It's not my car.

Well, whose car is it, then?

It's that Dudley guy's;
I swiped his key.

I thought you said you had a car.

I said I could drive a car.

I never said that I had one.

So I'm driving a stolen car.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

Oh, Lord, we're getting pulled over.

I told you to slow down. [GAGS]

Oh, this is no good.

A black man in a stolen
car with a white woman?

All right, everybody just relax,

act like we have Alzheimer's.

Well, the good news is they
bought your dementia story.

The bad news is,

Jerry has seen better days.

Oh, I don't know. I think
he looks good in red.

Woman, don't you start with me.

This is all your fault.

From the moment you came up in here,

ain't been nothing but trouble.

'Cause of you, Jerry will
never get his open casket.

Why don't you just flip the lid?

Eh, don't you touch him.

Don't you touch him.

Shoot, knowing you,
you're liable to drop him.

- [GASPS] No!
- [HANK SCREAMS]

Oh. [CRIES]

Boy, you don't see that every day.

Maybe I can find a broom,

we could sweep him into
a little zip-it bag.

The-the Dag zip-it?

They put the zip-it a thunda snug.

He's talking gibberish.

- [CRYING]
- I-Is he having a stroke?

He might be. I say it's
best we all just walk away.

We aren't getting the Jerry
pieces back in the bottle.

Get... Bring-bring... get-get the glue

with-with the thing on
it, man. Oh, Lord.

Okay, Jerry, I'm gonna rent a cannon,

then we'll tuck you inside,
then I'm gonna blast you

right upside that woman's head.

You know, Hank, I think
it's time to let it go.

You know, when I was in the Navy,

I had a little saying:

"When the sea gets choppy,
don't go on the boat."

Of course, the sea is always choppy,

so I got a dishonorable discharge

for dereliction of duties.

I had a whole different
saying about the Navy.

But now's not the time or the place.

Now, Hank, my point is that

I don't think you're mad at that woman.

And I don't think you're
mad about Jerry's party.

I think you're scared.

We all are.

'Cause one day it's gonna
be about our crappy party

and who gets to sit in our seat.

And just like that... we're forgotten.

You know, Charlie,

that's the most lucid thing
I've ever heard you say.

Thank you.

And you are 100% incorrect!

You guys remember when I lost my
wife to the big man upstairs?

I thought your wife left you.

She did... for the
retired football player

who lived in the penthouse.

See, that's when I moved in
here and I met you guys.

I tell you what, Jerry,
even at my lowest,

he showed me that life
could still be fun.

And if I'm scared, maybe I'm just scared

that it's not gonna be any
fun around here anymore,

now that Jerry's gone.

Well, maybe we don't
need Jerry to have fun.

Hell, we had one heck of
a day with that woman.

[ALL LAUGH]

Jerry never got us arrested.

Yeah, he never stole a
car, and that was fun.

Yeah, but that woman, she
just gets under my skin.

Well, Jerry got under everybody's skin.

He used to replace my beta blockers

with boner pills.

It was a joke.

Not to my poor little pecker.

Okay. Okay, Sid.

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]

What the hell is that?

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [MUSIC CONTINUES]

_

Oh, I'm sorry, you guys
can't come in here.

You have to be invited.

I'm just kidding.

[LAUGHS] Surprise. Here's your party.

This was you? You did this?

You're welcome.

How? What did you tell Allison?

Well, I said, [CRYING]:
"Please let me throw

"this party for the boys.

"I mean, I'm here all alone and
nobody likes me very much.

Please."

- And that worked?
- No.

So I slipped her a sleeping
pill and knocked the bitch out.

[LAUGHS] See?

She's way more fun than Jerry.

You know, I talked everything
over with the guys,

and despite their objections,

I think you should take Jerry's seat.

- Well, I accept.
- On a probationary basis.

Just as long as you know, I'm still

gonna be calling the shots around here.

Well, we'll-we'll see about that.

What-what do you mean by
"we'll see about that"?

- Never mind.
- What? No, I changed my mind.

- We shouldn't be doing this.
- Ah.

You know, I think I
might take your chair.

I believe it has a better view.

N-N-N-N-N-No. Nah. Uh-uh.

[STAMMERS]

She can't put the, put-put
the, put the thing

on the, on the moova.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

So there I am,

halftime at the Super Bowl
operating camera five,

and I... and over my headset I hear,

"Cut to Janet Jackson."

[ALL LAUGH]

Excuse me, Ms. Walsh?

Oh, you can call me Jerry.

I hate to bother you, but your
credit card has been declined.

Oh, no, there must be some mistake.

I've tried it several times.

All right. Well, hold your horses.

I'll get you a different c-card.

I'm gonna go, uh, get my...

I'm gonna... Run!

Sir? Oh! [GASPS]

That's pretty good.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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