All language subtitles for The Big C s03e03 Bundl of Joy.eng

Honey, why are you tagging
the living room?

I hate this wall color.
Always have.

- I thought you loved this color.
- No,

it was on sale,
which should've been a clue.

Thing is, I... I thought
I had lost the time, you know,

to be the kind of person
who could go out

and buy the colors

and try them out,

pick one and then actually
paint the room.

You know, it just seemed so...

clinically fucking insane.

No, something
that healthy people do.

But you see,
now I have the time.

I am lousy with time.

I mean, I might just redo
the whole house.

By the time I get to the attic,

I might figure out what to do
with the rest of my life.

Honey, we both
just cheated death.

Can't we just relax?
You know,

eat bonbons,
go to Disneyland?

Fucking Alec Baldwin.

Listen to this tweet:

"Tomorrow's Valentine's day.

Won't you help me get
my one millionth follower?"

How the fuck does he do that?

I have seven followers,

and I'm related
to half of them.

He is famous, Paul.

Yes, but was he clinically
dead for three minutes?

So this is your bigger purpose
in life,

to get more twits
than Alec Baldwin?

Tweets.

Maybe you should pick up
a paintbrush, start painting.

Gotta finish my blog.

Does Alec Baldwin have
a fucking blog?

I have no idea.

Mine's better.

What the fuck did you do
to the living room?

Happy Valentine's day.

Heart-shaped pancakes.

Retro-cheesy,
but a classic.

Can I stay out
till 11:00 tonight?

I'm seeing Mia.

Yes, but only because it's Mia.

Ababuo, that is
an awesome outfit.

Well, I'm not gonna let
getting left at the altar

by some Ukrainian dipshit
ruin my Valentine's day.

Inside I'm dying.

But on the outside,
I'm saying, "sequins."

You look like
a Christmas ornament.

Well, you're an asshole.
Ooh, sorry.

Those are my insides talking.

Yeah, well,

let's get to school, asshole.
We're gonna be late.

Happy V. Day, Mr. J.

And to you.
Happy V. Day, Mrs. J.

And to you.

I got you something.

You're gifting me
with adult braces?

No, no.

Who's this?

Joy Kleinman,

life coach, cancer survivor,
and joyologist.

Joyologist?
Is that even a word?

Unclear. I read up on her
on the Internet last night,

and...

She used her cancer
to completely change her life.

And I can't keep painting
the walls, Paul.

I need direction.

I-I want to be
a different me now.

And look,
she's a little woo-woo,

but, you know, maybe we need
a little woo-woo.

So I got a sub
for the next two days.

We're going to her seminar
up at the lake.

Could be fun.
Could be crazy.

But what the hell, right?

Honey, can we afford this?

I got a two-for-one
Valentine's special.

Okay, honey, but don't make me
interact with a crystal, okay?

Or go into a sweat lodge,

'cause people die
in sweat lodges.

They really do.
You're not gonna die.

Worst-case scenario,
we have hotel sex.

I'm gonna see your woo-woo?

Happy V. Day, Mr. J.

Yeah, you got me so hot.

Yeah, get in the tub, big boy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you like it in here
with Willy, don't you?

Yeah, you're getting hard.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?
You want me to suck it?

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, it's so big.

Oh, can't take it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, are you gonna come?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll come with you, big boy.

All right, I'm gonna come.

Oh, yeah, I'm getting ready.

I'm gonna come.
Here I go.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.
Oh, shit.

Ohh, yeah.

Ohh.

Yeah. Thank you.

Thanks for calling.
Have a hot day.

Did you just orgasm
with my syrup?

I'm running
a gay phone sex business.

Go ahead, judge away,
Judgerella.

Actually,
I'm too stunned to judge.

Well, while you formulate
your small-minded reaction,

let me just say,
I am exceptionally good at it.

I've found my calling, Cath.

I'm a phone sex worker.

Huh. I thought you were
a school janitor worker.

Garbage removal
keeps me centered.

Catering to the fantasies
of a few gay guys

feeds my creativity
and my pocketbook.

Wait, are you gay now?

No, I'm just talkin' the talk.

I ain't, you know,
suckin' the cock.

I have drunk from the pan-sexual
fountain in my day.

Turns out I prefer the pussy.

But the almighty gay dollar?
Still accepted here.

Are these scrotum-shaped
pancakes?

No. They're hearts.

Oh, sorry.
Long day at the orifice.

No, I'm bribing you
to look after Adam tonight.

I'm taking Paul away
for Valentine's day.

But now that you're into
sex trade,

I don't know if you should be
around a minor.

I'm just talking
the talk, Cath.

I'm just talking the talk.

Ooh, I better take this.

Sixth caller this morning.

I guess gay guys get really
lonely on Valentine's day.

And I plan on milking them,
literally,

for all they are worth.

Hello.

Yeah, hey, this is Willy.

Hey, you been to the gym, man?

No, no,
I'm not wearing nothing.

I just got out of the shower.

Yeah, take 'em off.

This crazy joy thinks
that dancing and juicing

cured her cancer,

yet she has 23,000 followers.

You promised to stay open.

Oh, I'm open.

I am definitely open...

To this delightfully large bed.

It's huge!

Oh, God, I love a good, big,
king-sized bed.

It's like being wrapped
in a cloud

that's strong enough
to have sex on.

Okay, don't get too
comfortable.

We have to be at a lunch seminar
in half an hour.

Gift bags!

Ooh.

"Dear voyagers, welcome.

"So excited to start you
on your journeys

"toward joy and fulfillment.

"Please wear these backpacks
at all times

"during your stay.

Get ready to meet
your joy."

Rocks.

This is a super crappy gift.

How come I have more rocks
than you do?

Isn't the real question

what are we doing
paying good money

to carry around
a bag full of rocks?

Okay, look.

Well, you'll feel better
after we have something to eat.

Ow.

Ho... holy moly.

Oh, my God.

23,000 fucking followers.

Hey, Ababuo.
Happy Valentine's day.

Hey.

Hey, Ababuo.

Uh, hey!

Hey.

Number one,
this is organic material,

and, as such,
should be composted.

Number two,
your attitude's for shit,

but your outfit is the bomb.

Thanks, janitor man.

Oop, rolling calls.

I'm sorry.
Better take this.

Long day at the office.

Happy hallmark-driven
holiday, my boy.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Adam.

You free tonight?
I'm going to a sick concert.

Uh, you know, actually,
I kind of have plans.

Ohh, you have
a girlfriend, huh?

How'd you know?

It's Valentine's day, duh.

If you have plans,
it's with a girlfriend.

But I'll have you home
by 8:00.

Wait, what kind of concert
ends at 8:00?

Ooh, see?
You're curious.

You can bring your girlfriend
if you want.

Uh, you know, actually,
I'll just see her after.

Cool. I'll drive.

Awesome.
Oh, hey.

Happy Valentine's day.

You don't want to save it
for your girlfriend?

No, no.
You can have it.

Juice is not food.

Well, at least it explains
the two-for-one pricing.

You know it's gonna look
exactly the same

coming out as it did going in.

You know that, right?
Exactly.

Hello, voyagers!

Hi, joy!

Well, now I see some of you
have been with me before,

and I see some new guys here.

So I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you
the cliff notes version of moi.

Eight years ago,
I'm jeri Kleinman.

I'm working away
as a mid-level accountant.

I know, snooze, boring.

Trust me, I hated it.

In fact, anybody asked me,

I would tell them
how miserable I was.

Then all of the sudden,
one day,

out of the blue,
I get breast cancer.

I mean, it shook me up,

physically and in my soul.

So you know what I did?

- You went to Sedona!
- That's right.

I went to Sedona.

And I hiked the red rocks,

and I breathed.

That's right, people.

I breathed.

For the first time, I breathed.

And I realized

that all of the fucking stress

and all of the complaining...

I had given myself cancer.

I mean, I had nobody to blame
but myself.

So I knew what I had to do.

I quit my job,
and I started juicing,

that gnarly stuff that you're
drinking right there...

thank you...

and then I walked
into Neiman's,

and I popped for these shoes.

Yeah, these aren't
from target, people.

And I wore these
to my first chemo session.

And six sessions later,
I was in remission.

Yep, they say it was the chemo,

but I know it was the shoes.

I mean, you might call these
my "fuck me" shoes,

but you know what I call them?

I call them
my "fuck you" shoes.

Fuck cancer.

I fucked cancer.

And now, I am fucking life.

And I wake up every morning
orgasmically happy,

and I'm making ten times more

than I ever made in my life.

It's ironic, isn't it,

that cancer would show me
that I can take control

of my life
and follow my dreams?

And now my dream is that
I want all of you

to find your joyful path.

Each one of us is born
with a certain number

of breaths.

How do you want
to use them, people?

That's the question.

All right, everybody up, out.

We're gonna go outside,
have a little fun.

Leave your juice
if you haven't finished it,

and we're going to grab
a bag, people.

Hi. Paul Jamison.

Oh, nice to meet you,
Paul Jamison.

Here you go.

Here you go.

And sacks up, people.

Go ahead.
Come on.

That's it, sacks up.

The race is to bettina
and back.

Ready?
Awesome!

On your mark,

get set, go!

That's it.
You're kids again, people.

Let's relax.

Have some fun.
Jump for joy.

Let's hear some laughter.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Laughter releases endorphins.

Gets rid of all those toxins,

and it beats the shit
out of crying.

Good going.
That's it.

Limited amount of breaths.

People, let's use it.
Ahh!

- You all right?
- Yeah. Go.

I'm gonna...
I'll see you inside.

- Oh, come on, let's go!
- No, I'll see you inside.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Good work. Oh.

Oh, come on, you can get up.

That's good.

Hey, hey, where are you headed?

Where are you going?

It's really cold out here.

This isn't your kind
of thing, huh?

You know, I signed up for this
on a whim,

and clearly I didn't read
the fine print,

or any print, for that matter.

So, no, it's not really
my kind of thing.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, don't apologize to me.

I mean, you're the one
that's letting yourself down.

You're the only one
that's gonna stop you

from your joyful path.

I'm pretty sure my path to joy

leads to the fireplace inside.

I know this sounds like
a lot of horseshit, doesn't it?

But, you know,

you came here for a reason,

and you should really listen
to that reason,

even if you don't want
to listen to me.

I get it, you know.

After you've had cancer,
it's hard to trust anything.

How do you know I have cancer?

I read your husband's blog.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, uh, I research all
my participants.

And, you know,
by the way, Paul,

your blog is inspirational.

Really.

You have a knack
for storytelling.

You gotta use that.

Thank you!
Thank you. I will.

And... and I do,
and I-I-I will.

Thank you.

Give me a chance.
You'll see.

You should know I don't think
joy can cure my cancer.

All right, well,
you should know

that that attitude's
probably gonna kill you.

And this is for you.

For giving up.

All right, people.

Very well done.

I don't get it.

Is this... is this church
or a concert?

Both.

Pants on!
Uncle Sean is in the house!

- Adam's out.
- Oh.

I told Cath I'd check on him,

but I got caught
on another call.

Having non-stop make-believe sex
on Valentine's day

is exhausting, depressing,

and surprisingly unfulfilling.

I have lonely man
cauliflower ear.

At least you get to have
make-believe sex.

These... these used to be
instruments of pleasure.

Now they're just
for picking up the phone.

Well, I've been online
for the last hour

looking for stories
to make me feel better

about my life.

Look. This is the best one
so far.

Man got stuck in a well
for two months.

Ugh, and had to saw
his own hands off.

And when they finally
pulled him up,

he finds out that his wife
is having an affair

with his brother.

Oh, that's rough.

He can't even punch him.

At least he got married.

You know what?
This is bullshit.

Why... why should
only happy people enjoy

this horrible, made-up day?

Get dressed.

We're going out.

I got some money.

And we both have our hands.

All right.

I say we flee at dawn
and find the nearest sizzler.

Let's stick it out.

Between the vision boarding
and the mindful yoga

and the juice dinners,
I'm starting to feel centered.

And slender.

The only reason you're into joy

is because she wears tiny skirts
and likes your blog.

Ha! Yes!

I like positive affirmation.
Crazy.

May I remind you,
it was your idea to come here.

"Hope you had an amazing
and enlightening first day.

"Now get joyful
with your partner...

Or yourself."

Ew.

No, no, no!

No!
They took the mini-bar key!

I know. I know. I can pick it
with my eyebrow tweezers.

That was an order
from joy herself.

Now show me your woo-woo.

- What the hell is that?
- It's a tattoo.

I got a tattoo.

It just... it felt good
to do something.

I just... I haven't known
where to put everything

that's happened,

so now some of it's on my back.

That's why I wanted
to come here,

to try and figure out
what it all means,

what's next.

Don't hate it.

Don't be provincial.

I think it's hot.

I've got a tatted wife.

Mm.

Tobleroooone...

Mm?

Oh, it's just I'm being
taunted by the chocolate

in the mini-bar.

- Mm.
- Keep going. Go ahead.

Mm.

Still thinking
about that chocolate?

Little bit.

Fine.
Go get the tweezers.

Oh, thanks.

Valentine's day.

What does it mean to you?

Flowers, chocolate.

Chance to get laid.

You know,
St. Valentine

used this day
to perform marriages.

Guess he didn't have
a date, huh?

Maybe he was onto something.

Maybe he knew
what really mattered.

Guys, what if today
we didn't get lucky?

What if we kept it
in our pants?

What if we stopped thinking
with our dicks

and started listening to him?

A blowjob lasts, like,
one minute.

What if we took our heads

out of the gutter and...
and put our eyes

to the sky?

How lucky would we be then?

Really lucky.

What?

Really lucky!

Yeah!

Yeah, come on!
Awesome!

Anyone who wants
to come up tonight

and take the sacrament,
please just come on up.

You coming up?

No, I'm... I'm good.

Figures the only restaurant
that can take us

last-minute on Valentine's day
would be the garlic house.

Yeah, but now we're safe
from vampires

for at least a week.

What if Myk was it for me?

Do you ever think that
about Rebecca?

Like there'll never be
anyone else?

Well, sure, sometimes.

But you can't let
that scrawny Ukrainian

make you into
a bitter spinster.

I mean, look at me.

I could stay home all day,

wallowing in my
post-Rebecca psychosis,

or I could enjoy a delicious
garlic panna cotta

with my friend.

Have you selected a dessert?

Got anything without garlic?

Just the chocolate mousse,
but those are our last two.

Well, what... wha...

how come they get them,
and we don't?

They were special-ordered
two days ago.

We weren't even a couple
two days ago.

I'll give you a minute.

Eat fast.

You don't have
to tell me twice.

- Mm.
- G...!

What the fuck?

Mm.

Holy shit, it's a ring.

- Wha...
- He's proposing.

Uh, Ababuo,

you are the...

the fire in my heart,

the light in my loins.

You... you make me want to set
my hair on fire with desire.

You... you complete me.

You make me feel like dancing.

You... you had me at hello.

Marry me, my African queen.

Yes!

Oh, God, did you just burp
in my mouth?

- Sorry.
- That's my ring.

Excuse me?

I bought that ring
to propose to my girlfriend.

Oh, Eric!

- Um, run. Run.
- Okay, yeah, okay.

Congratulations.
Best wishes to you both.

Mazel tov.

Okay, best
Valentine's day ever.

We owned it.

In fact, we should change
the name

to lonely person's day.

Totally.

Happy lonely person's day.

And to you, my fiancee.

Good night, lonely person.

Sayonara, sad sack.

Oh!

Here are our stragglers.

Good morning, you two.

It looks like some people got
a little too joyous last night.

Am I right?

Oh, we are full of joy.

Okay, people, so...

Music is the soundtrack
of the soul,

and to help you get
to the place

where you are open
to joyousness,

we are going to listen
and dance

to some sounds this A.M.

That I used to dance to
very late in the P.M.

okay, let's shake
your Booty, everybody.

That's it, move it.

Good. Oh, yes.
Shake your Booty.

Everybody dance.

Come on, even you, Cathy.
Come on.

That's it.
Shake it.

Everybody, up, up, up.

Yes, oh.

Feel it, people!

Paul. I'm worried...

I'm worried about your heart.
I'm not even jumping.

Just give me your backpack.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

Feel the music in your spirit.

Feel that music fill your soul.

You are invincible.

All right, Cathy.
What's going on, hmm?

What's going on
is I am calling bullshit.

The... the juice, the joy,
these stupid fucking rocks.

I've had it.
I'm done.

Blood sugar issues.

Cathy.

Good for you.

You got it.

You got it.

She got it, people.

All right? That bag
is your old baggage.

Why were you carrying it?

Because I told you to?

Because society made you?

I mean, you were ready
to carry Paul's bag.

You cannot move forward

if your shit
is still pulling you back.

You are not your past.

You are a limitless future.

Good for you.

Good for you.

Everybody take a lesson
from Cathy.

Come on.
Drop those bags.

That's right.
That's right.

Good. Now doesn't that
feel fabulous?

Don't you feel like
you could just fly?

Good for you, Cathy.

Thanks.

Well, let's all sit down
and close our eyes.

That's it.
Sit down, everybody.

Eyes closed.
That's it.

That's it.
There you go.

Everybody close your eyes.

I knew you would be
the first to get it.

Now the first step
towards finding

our new life path

is to find out
what makes us truly happy.

So I want you
to imagine a moment

of pure joy...

When you felt completely free.

Take a deep breath.

That's it.

And let your mind guide you...

And surprise you.

where are you?

How do you feel?

Mm. Shit, this is good.

Holy fuck!
Holy fuck!

What?
What is it?

I have 2,000 followers!

Joy just re-tweeted
my address.

"Check this guy out.
He's got a great message."

Holy shit!

She just handed me
her entire fan base

on a kale juice platter, man!

I don't know what that means,

but congratulations.

Jesus, do you know
what I was thinking about

when she asked us to meditate
on our happiest moment?

Ninth grade,
Dolly Madison high,

I'm standing on the stage,
accepting the award

for "most likely to succeed."

How about you, honey?
What did you see?

I want another baby.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0